Your Guardian Angel

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8619

Elijah dies and is sent to Equestria to keep nine ponies safe from harm.

Elijah was a normal boy, until he decided to eat rat poison. Then, he became a normal dead boy. Since Elijah didn't exactly lead the best life, he had a one way ticket to Hell. However, he is given a chance to redeem himself by being the Guardian Angel of nine lucky (or rather, unlucky) ponies.

Published 2012-08-27 21:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-15 01:38:14 UTC

Cereal Killer

Elijah awoke one fine morning, and went off to make himself a bowl of cereal. He started school up again in a week, so he intended to make the best of the remaining days of summer: By sitting in front of his computer and playing video games.

“I mean really, what else would I be doing?” he told no one in particular as he removed a bowl from the kitchen cabinet. Rustling around, he saw that his food supplies were running low.

“Hey, maybe there’s something under the sink, I might have put some stuff there without realizing it.” As you may be able to tell, Elijah’s hunger was clouding his judgment on where to find food, seeing as he hadn’t even checked the refrigerator yet.

Looking under the sink, he pulled up a box, and read the label aloud. “‘Rat Poison’. Huh, funny name for a cereal.” The hungry teenager poured the green pellets into his bowl. “I really need to go shopping sometime soon. This looks like gerbil food.”

Pouring the milk into the bowl, he left the kitchen and sat down at the table, spooning the “cereal” into his mouth. Chewing it, the pellets crunched unpleasantly. It also didn't taste quite that fresh. However, this boy was hungry, so he continued to eat.

“Man, this cereal is weird. It’s even staining the milk green.” Elijah finished eating the bowl, and then drank down the milk. Sitting at the table and staring ahead at the wall, something registered in his mind.

“Aw, fuck.” Elijah fell facefist into the bowl, and expired.

A bright light surrounded him, and he felt himself rising slowly off the ground, up into the clouds.

“Wow, I didn’t think I was going to make it to heaven!” Upon these words, he plummeted back to earth. A large hole opened up, and Elijah fell into a chasm of fire and brimstone.

“Of course.”

Screaming at the top of his lungs, the dead human flailed as he fell into a pit of sulphuric acid. Being a ghost, it didn’t harm his physical appearance, but it still hurt like a bitch.

“Ow ow ow ow!” Elijah pulled himself out of the pit and shook the acid off of him. In front of him was a fat devil behind a desk, eating a donut.

The devil was looking down at a magazine, but when he glanced up to see Elijah looking at him, he hastily put it away, swallowed the donut in his mouth, and began to speak.

“*Ahem* Here me mortal, or something like that, for you hath sinned, yatta yatta yatta, hell. Enjoy your eternal damnation.”

Elijah began to panic. “Wait! I don’t want to go to hell!”

The devil rolled his eyes. “Oh, well, since you don’t want to go, then I guess I’ll just let you back up to heaven.”

Elijah’s heart filled with hope. “Really? Wow, I didn’t think that would work! Well, ok then, how do I-”

The receptionist facepalmed. “Wow, you really are stupid. Wait, who am I kidding? You died because you mistook rat poison for cereal! Also, you used white paint instead of milk.”

“I thought that milk was a little thick...”

Elijah heard the devil sigh. “Look, I really don’t feel like dealing with you right now. So, I’ll offer you one of our ‘special tickets.’”

Elijah cocked an eyebrow. “‘Special tickets?’”

The devil nodded. “Yup. Here, come with me.” The fat otherworldly receptionist got up out of his chair with a bit of difficulty, and led the dead teenaged boy to a list of doors. They were marked, each indicating where they went. Elijah read them as they passed along each of them.

“‘You’re damned if you do’, ‘You’re damned if you don’t’, ‘Terrorists’, ‘Murderers’, ‘Rapists’, ‘People who were salmon colored socks.” Elijah looked down, and he was indeed wearing socks the color of that particular type of fish. He decided it would be best if he didn’t point that out to anybody.

Finally, the devil and Elijah reached a door that was labeled “Other Dimensions.”

“Well, here you are. You’re going to be a ‘Guardian Angel to nine individuals. Keep one of these individuals safe for a week, then move on to the next one. Once all nine weeks are up, you’ll get to be reincarnated as a flower or something.” The devil looked down at his papers. “Looks like you’re heading to... Equestria!”

Elijah laughed. “Woah... wait. Equestria? You mean, from ‘My Little Pony?’ That’s not a real place.”

It was the devil’s turn to laugh. “Sorry bud, looks like you’re wrong, although I guess you’re use to it, since you’re stupid and all that. Nah, most cartoon shows are actually other dimensions. Some, like ‘Family Guy’ don’t differ that much from your dimension, but others, like Equestria here, are a little further away from reality. Your reality, anyway. So now, here’s the list of ponies you’ll be protecting.”

Elijah was handed a list of paper. Reading over the names, he recognised all of the mane six, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, and Shining Armour.

“Wait, so I spend a week with each of them to make sure they don’t get hurt?”

“Or die,” the portly hell dweller confermered. Elijah swallowed hard.

“And if I fail?”

“Straight to Hell.”

Elijah scowled. “Lovely.”

The devil nodded, and opened the door. Inside, Elijah got a nice view of Ponyville. “Remember, they can’t see or hear you, so they won’t ever know you’re there. Good luck!” Elijah was shoved by the devil’s gnarled hands, and he fell face first into the grass. Brushing the dirt from his Nirvana shirt, Elijah glanced at the list.

“First up: Twilight Sparkle.”

Week One: Twilight Sparkle

Elijah walked through Ponyville, taking in the sights. “I wonder if they really can’t see me?” Testing this theory out, he ran up to a blue and purple pony and waved his arms in front of her. She didn’t so much as blink.

“Well... maybe she just has a slow reaction time.” Elijah tugged on her tail. The mare jumped, and looked around.

“Who did that?” The mare swished her tail, and blinked a few times.

Elijah chuckled. Picking up a potted plant, he flung it at the pony. It smashed against the side of her face, causing the mare to fall over. Elijah burst into laughter.

“GHOSTS!” shouted the mare, and she ran off screaming. Elijah wiped a tear from his eye, and then remembered his mission at hand. Jogging off to Twilight’s house, he thought of all the pranks he could pull with his powers. Upon reaching the library, he opened the door cautiously.

Inside, the purple unicorn was reshelving the books while consulting a large list. Spike was nowhere to be seen, which disappointed Elijah, because he wanted to mess with the little dragon. Having to be content with messing with Twilight, he went over to mess up some of her books. Removing one from its place on the shelf, it revealed a large time bomb that was slowly ticking down.

“Of course.” Elijah took the bomb and ran around panickedly for a few moments before remembering that it was on a timer. Slapping himself for being so stupid, he set the bomb on the table, and tried to think of a way to defuse it. In the meantime, the counter slowly ticked down from thirty seconds.

“Why the hell would there even BE bombs here? It doesn’t make any sense!” The timer cared not for inaccuracies, and slowly counted down the seconds until its detonation. Elijah sighed and tried to clear his head.

“Ok... I have to figure out how to disarm this thing...” Looking around, he saw a very thick hardcover book titled “A Simple Guide to Bomb Defusing.”

“How convenient!” Elijah grabbed the book, flipped through the pages, and then smashed the bomb with the book as hard as he could. The bomb fizzled and died.

“Crisis averted!” The human smiled. He had done it again.

The smile was quickly wiped from his face as the book he had used to “disarm” the bomb caught on fire. Elijah ran to the kitchen, filled a bucket with water, and threw the water all over the burning book.

Twilight Sparkle turned around, and slipped in the puddle. Elijah grimaced as he heard a sicken crack come from her front leg. Twilight winced in pain, and fell to the floor, smashing her head very hard against the ground.

At that moment, Spike opened the door, carrying Owloysius on his arm. “Hi Twi, Fluttershy said Owloysius is in perfect heal- Oh no! What happened?”

“Spike! Get me to the hospital!” Twilight passed out from the pain of her injury. Elijah winced.

“Jeez, did it screw her up that bad?”

Spike was panicking. “Oh no! How am I going to get her there? I can’t carry her! Oh my gosh, what if she’s dead? Ok, calm down Spike, I’ll just-” Elijah picked up a chair and smashed it over the panicky dragon.

“God, I can’t think with you blathering!” Elijah pondered the situation. Twilight was obviously still alive, as her chest still moved up and down. The Guardian Angel would need to move quickly if he were to save her, and by extension, himself. Picking her up, he checked outside to see if anypony was around. The street was empty outside, so Elijah ran as fast as he could, avoiding ponies when necessary, and finally reached his destination: The Hospital. Leaving Twilight outside the ER door, he knocked, and waited.

Nurse Redheart, who was on call at the moment, opened up the door. “You do know you can just come in- Twilight?”

The nurse called a few others to help carry the unconscious unicorn to a hospital bed. Elijah walked in after them, and once Twilight had been given a cot, sat by her and waited. Sure enough, her friends came after around thirty minutes, along with Spike who was sporting a bandage on his head.

Her friends crowded around Twilight, who awoke soon after being administered some adrenaline. The group talked, and once they left, Elijah continued to stare at her.

“You know, I wish you could hear me. I really feel like talking to someone.” Elijah fluffed the pillow a bit, and another time bomb fell from behind it.

“God dammit.” Elijah didn’t have time to deal with this one properly, so he through it out the window. A flash of light and a large noise came shortly afterwards, and so did the cries of ponies.

“Big deal, they’re near a hospital anyway.” Elijah reclined back on the hospital chair. Leaning back too far, he fell over and hit his head. “I hate this job...”

The rest of the week was mostly uneventful as Twilight healed. On the day of her discharge, she was walking down the hall when an exposed wire fell from the ceiling in front of her.

“Goddamn, this place must be underfunded.” Not thinking twice, Elijah grasped the wire and pulled it away from Twilight. You may think that this was an act of kindness, but really, it was elijah being so stupid as to not realize that he could have grabbed the rubber part of the wire, not the end which was shooting out sparks.

Elijah fell to the group, thoroughly freid. Twilight sniffed the air. “What smells like bacon frying?”

The human feebly crossed off Twilight’s name. “Next up... Fluttershy...”

Fluttershy

Elijah recovered from his shock injuries without any explanation, and went off to Fluttershy’s cottage. Looking inside the window, Elijah saw a sight he wished he could unsee immediately.

“You’re a good bunny, aren’t you, Angel?” Fluttershy’s voice came from inside the woodland house. Elijah felt sick to his stomach.

“Isn’t this supposed to be an innocent kids universe?” Elijah looked about for some brain bleach. Sadly, none was to be found, and thus, he was stuck with that memory forever.

“Oh god... why?” Elijah bashed his head against the nearest rock. “How could she do something so sick and twisted? I mean, who does that?” Elijah couldn’t help himself. He peeked inside to watch the event continue.

“Ugh... that’s nasty. I mean, his bows aren’t even in the right place!” Elijah said, pointing to the bunny whose fur was currently being put in bows. He had a bow on the side of his face, on his stomach, and on his leg. “Jeez, Fluttershy, leave the beauty stuff to Rarity.”

Something clicked in his mind. “Aw, that’s nasty, brian. Why would you even think of something like that? You’re perverted.” The human pulled out a cigarette, and lit it.

“Wait, I don’t smoke.” Elijah flicked the butt of the cigarette into the bushes in front of Fluttershy’s house, where they promptly caught fire.

Our hero(?) stared in awe as the fire spread abnormally quickly to the front of Fluttershy’s house.

“Fuck.”

Running to Fluttershy’s front door, he grabbed the doorknob. All the human got was a burned hand for this idiot move. “Crap, I’ll have to go through the window.”

Rushing over to the window, he saw Fluttershy cowering in fear behind her sofa as the flames creeped closer to her. Elijah pulled back his arm, and heroically punched the glass. Things broke. Not the glass.

Nursing his broken fingers, Elijah picked a large rock and punted it through the window. Glass shattered, and Elijah tumbled through the broken mess, cutting himself. “God damn, do I just fail at EVERYTHING?” Shaking this off, he rushed through the smoke to try and rescue the shaking yellow mare. Grabbing what felt a lot like Fluttershy, Elijah ran back through the smoke, jumped through the window again, and put fluttershy down.

It turned out he had grabbed a potted plant.

Elijah facepalmed, and cringed as his broken fingers mashed against shards of glass in his face. This time climbing through the window, he looked around for Fluttershy. Finding nothing, he assumed she died in the fire, and did the only logical thing.

He cried until he caught on fire.

Elijah moped miserably out of the burnt ruins, ignoring that his hair was ablaze. THen, he saw Fluttershy perfectly fine, checking to make sure all the animals were safe.

“Oh thank Jeebus.” Elijah wiped the sweat from his brow. “Hey, is it just me, or is it a little hot in here?”

After much screaming and head banging, Elijah returned to where Fluttershy was counting to see if all the chickens were still uncooked. What she didn’t notice was the very large bear slowly lumbering towards her, licking its lips.

Elijah did the right things, and selflessly flung himself in front of the bear. The bear was very confused when its teeth sunk into something in the middle of thin air. The bear looked around. There wasn’t anything there! Significantly befuddled, it waddle off back into the woods.

Elijah fell to the ground, tears streaming down his face. His left shoulder was now mangled. And this was only day one of helping Fluttershy!

“Yeah, about that...” the fat devil from before reappeared. “Look,a t this rate, you’re going to die by next morning, so I’m gonna change it to one day that you have to spend with each pony.”

“What? Only one day?”

“Do you want to die?”

Elijah shrugged his still working shoulder. “I’m already dead. It’s not like I can die again.”

The devil laughed. “Oh, you are wrong there. You can still die alright. And then you’ll go to Super Hell!”

Elijah swallowed hard. “Super Hell?”

The portly receptionist nodded. “Eeyup! Like normal Hell, only Super!”

Elijah thought about how awful that would be. “Fine. I’ll take the one day each then. This is going to screw with chapter naming though.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Say, can you heal me?”

The devil shook his head. “Sorry, nope! But you’ll heal automatically once each assignment is up. Look! The sun’s going down!”

“It’s been like 20 minutes-” Elijah’s wounds all miraculously disappeared.

“Good luck with Rarity!” The devil disappeared, and Elijah curled up in a ball on the ground for a goodnight’s sleep.

Too bad for him the pegasi scheduled a night time rainstorm.

Rarity

Elijah sneezed with such force it knocked him backwards into a woodchipper. Almost falling into the blades, he escaped with some minor cuts on his arm.

“Who the hell leaves a woodchipper in the middle of the woods? I mean, it’s not even a residential area, so there would be no pony to make use of it...” Elijah looked to see the thing wasn’t even plugged in. “Also, since when did ponies need woodchippers? I’m done with this dimension already. Even if I have to go to Super Hell...” Elijah thought of the insidious torture Super Hell would put him through. Forcing him to watch Jersey Shore while listening to Nickelback nonstop...

“Hey, I actually like Nickelback!”

You do? Jesus, what’s wrong with you, kid?

Elijah ignored this and headed over to the Carousel Boutique. Halfway there, he realized he had his iPod with hm. Putting it on shuffle, he listened to the first song in there.

“I got so high, I scratched till I bled, Love myself, better than YOUUUUU...” Birds flew in terror from Elijah’s complete butchering of the song.

“I’M ON A PLANE!” The boy’s voice hit an octave that shattered nearby windows. Ignoring this, our blonde hero pulled off an amazing air guitar solo. He wasn’t looking where he was going, however, and air guitared straight into a rose bush.

Picking the thorns out of his face, Elijah looked to see he was outside Carousel Boutique. Opening the door to the dressmaker's shop, he took a look around. Rarity was currently looking over a plain dress, contemplating whether or not to add several rubies to the mix.

Elijah smiled, and leaned up against a table, watch the white pony work. It was calming, nice, even. A good change from all the craziness that had happened in the past week and two days.

Looking down, he saw that he had left his hand to close to the sewing machine, and sewed all his fingers on his right hand together.

“Huh, just like in home economics.” Cringing in pain, Elijah grabbed one of the thread cutters and pried his fingers apart. Looking over, he saw that Rarity was no longer in the room.

“Crap.” Running around the house, Elijah checked everywhere from underneath the sink to behind the bookshelves. Almost giving up hope, he walked into the kitchen to see Rarity facehoofing at Sweetie Belle, who had come home from school and was giving cooking another whirl.

“Sweetie Belle, you’ve destroyed the kitchen again! Honestly, it feels like a running gag at this point!”

Elijah sniffed the air, a peculiar scent catching his nose. “Gas... I have to get to the stove!” Running over to the stove, he shoved Sweetie Belle and did the same to Rarity. He was about to confront the stove when he was hit in the face very hard with a frying pan. Dizzy, he fell over into the stove, mashing several buttons. Sweetie Belle was holding a frying pan in her mouth, and was swinging the cooking vessel all around.

“I think there’s a ghost!”

Rarity shook her head disapprovingly. “Sweetie Belle, there is no ghost, you’re just being paranoid. Just because something shoved both of us out of the way doesn’t mean there’s a- Oh sweet Celestia, there’s a ghost in here!” The dressmaker jumped up on the table, looking frantically around as if she expected the supposed apparition to appear from thin air.

Elijah, who had recovered from the smack, picked Sweetie Belle up, and threw her over at Rarity. Sweetie looked as if she were going to faint as she was levitated into the air by some unknown force, and Rarity actually did faint as the filly flew towards her supernaturally. turning back and examining the stove, Elijah frowned. He saw that all the burners had been left on, and the stove was set on 420.

“Hehe, that’s a marijuana joke.”The teen smiled just as the stove exploded, sending him into a world of blinding light. When he came too, he was by the table where Sweetie Belle was holding onto Rarity, crying.

“Shh, Sweetie Belle, it’s ok...” The filly cried harder. Elijah stood up shakily and looked down at himself. His shirt was burned, and his left arm was maimed, a large shard of the stove. Pain smashed his entire body, filling up his entire being. Looking over at the sisters through tearing eyes, he saw Rarity run her hoof through her sister’s mane.

“You’ll be fine, Sweetie... it’s over now. I’ll buy a new stove...”

The filly looked up at her sister. “Y-you’re not mad?”

“How could I be mad? I’m just glad you’re ok! I’d normally be furious, but given the circumstances, I’m just glad you’re ok!”

Elijah, despite the immense pain he was in, felt happiness from this scene of sisterly love. As usual, he immediately ruined this by throwing up all over Rarity.

Rarity was frozen in disgust, and Sweetie Belle picked up the frying pan and smacking Elijah straight in the face. For somepony who couldn’t see who she was aiming for, she sure was good at hitting targets.

Falling to the ground on top of all the debris, Elijah sincerely wished the humor here didn’t revolve around him getting hurt all the time.

A flash of smoke, and Elijah’s favorite devil friend appeared. “Jesus, you’re going to end up destroying all of Equestria! Anyway, next up: Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow Dash

“This is going to end so badly for me,” Elijah said as he wandered through Ponyville. “I can already tell. I wonder what’s going to try and kill me this time. Maybe an army of horny Diamond Dogs will mistake Rainbow Dash for a mate, and I’ll have to (shudder) ‘stop them’. Maybe a meteor will fall towards her and I’ll be crushed. Maybe I’ll-” Elijah walked right into a tree.

“You know what? I’ve stopped caring. I just don’t care anymore! Jesus, I’ve had to handle the relatively normal ponies so far, can you imagine what’s going to happen to me when I handle Derpy or Pinkie Pie?” Elijah sat down underneath the tree. “I’m just going to sit here until Rainbow Dash kills herself, then I’ll be off to Super Hell, which I’m now convinced is infinitely better than what I’m dealing with now.”

A sharp stinging sensation began to fester in Elijah’s back loins. Looking down, he saw he had plopped his ass right on a fire ant hill.

“Of course I would do that.” Elijah ran screaming around like a little girl, spanking himself until all of the insidious insects had perished.

Elijah, his ass still burning with the intensity of Satan’s piss, turned his attention off to the skyline, where he saw none other than Rainbow Dash herself soaring through the air. Twisting and twirling, she had her eyes closed. The human observing her guessed that she wanted to try eyes closed as a new feat of awesomeness.

Of course, she was now on a collision course for a very unique tree. This tree had been growing on the edge of the Everfree Forest for the last six hundred and sixty-seven years. It was leafless, had long, arching branches, and was covered in large thorns. And Rainbow Dash would see become a new addition to this very wonderful piece of Equestrian Flora.

“Good, she’ll fly right into the tree and die, I'll go to Super Hell, and spend the rest of my days watching Jersey Sh-” Elijah’s eyes widened. “Oh God, I have to save her!”

Elijah sprinted as fast as he could over to the tree where Rainbow Dash was currently heading for at full speed. His legs burned more than his ass, which was getting chafed from so much running. He had to save Rainbow Dash at all cost.

Just as Rainbow Dash opened her eyes to see that she was too close to the tree to stop herself, Elijah jumped in front of the cyan pegasus. Her bone-rattling crash was muffled by the soft fleshiness of the human. Elijah squeeked in pain as Dashie’s body smashing into his, breaking several ribs. Being flung back into the tree, Elijah winced in pain as three long spines drilled hard into his asscheeks.

“Please stop focusing on my ass so much. You’re causing me so much pain down there.”

I guess you could say you’re...

Butthurt.

YEEEAAAHH!

*Ahem* Anyway... Elijah fell off the tree, and landed on the ground, blood slowly pooling around him.

“Wow, thanks!” Rainbow Dash said gratefully. “You broke my fall!”

“You broke my spine...” Elijah gasped, then recalled something. “Wait, how can you see me? And hear me, for that matter?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I dunno. I drank from that fountain over there because I was thirsty, and now I've been able to see all sorts of things that don’t make sense!”

Elijah looked over to the fountain in question, which was labeled “Reverse LSD.”

“Why would they even have a giant fountain like that?” Elijah said to himself. “I guess Equestria is basically one big acid trip anyway.” Turning to Rainbow Dash, he asked her a question. “What are you seeing right now?”

“Industrial New Jersey.”

Elijah nodded. “Yup, that’s pretty much the exact opposite of Equestria. Come with me, I’ll make sure you don’t come into harm’s way.”

Stuffing some leaves into his pants to act as impromptu bandages, Elijah led the hallucinating pegasus inside a nearby cave.

“This seems like good place to keep a hallucinating individual until them calm the fuck down.” Elijah had not been paying the slightest attention at all during health class when they were talking about drugs, and still thought PCP was a type of robot.

Rainbow Dash lied down on the floor, cowering in fear of indescribable horrors she was witnessing. “Oh sweet Celestia... the school system! It’s so poorly funded! I don’t know why I care, but suddenly I do!”

“In the meantime, I think I’ll bounce this rock off the back of your head!” Elijah picked up the small rock, whom he dubbed “Tom Jr”, and bounced it off the back of Rainbow Dash’s head while he questioned her about what she was witnessing.

“So... what are you seeing?”

“Smog... smog everywhere! How do you people even live in that place?”

“Well, I wouldn’t describe living in New Jersey so much as ‘living’ there, but more of ‘dragging your feet through the days until you die of pure depression.’”

Rainbow Dash began to cry. “Oh the horrors! What have I done to deserve this? What have I done?” Sniffing, she wiped a tear from her face. “Hey, am I crying? That’s sorta hot...”

Elijah gave the pegasus a look, and the two stared at each other in an awkward silence. Rainbow Dash glowered back at the human. “What? Crying is a turn on.”

“Right. Well, you seem to be recovering from the drug, so I’m just gonna-” Rainbow Dash tackled the human.

Elijah was thoroughly pinned. “Start crying. NOW,” Rainbow Dash growled.

The human tried to squeeze away, but his squeezing technique left something to be desired. All it was was him flaining his arms, which were currently pinned under Dash’s hooves.“Woah, Dashie what are you- AAAAAHHH!”

“CRY, RIGHT NOW!”

Elijah began sobbing. “Oh Jesus... this is gonna- AAAAAAHHH!”

“You like this, don’t you?”

“Well, I suppose a novice writer could mistake your Must-Win Attitude for sexual aggressiveness- OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!”

I suppose this is a bad time, but this song fits perfectly

Pinkie Pie

Elijah crawled away from the cave, severely more molested then he had been before. Rainbow Dash, who had inexplicably acquired a whip and a dominatrix outfit, smiled evilly over the poor boy.

“I’ll be expecting you to come back for more...” Elijah began to softly cry as he escape the cave and ran back to Ponyville.

“Well, now, let’s see...” Elijah pulled out his list, and nearly had a heart attack upon viewing the next pony he had to take care of.

Pinkie Pie.

“Oh shit.”

Elijah sank to the ground, thoroughly defeated. He was going to die. There was no way around it. He was not going to survive the coming battle. He was, all in all, fucked.

“I’ve got to hide. It’s the only way around it!” Elijah grabbed a leaf, and put it on his head. “There! I’m safe!”

The wind then proceeded to ruin his plan, and blew away the leaf, leaving him exposed for Pinkie Pie to find him and do whatever joyful yet insidious things to him.

Something happened to Elijah right then. Some say he realized his actions. Some say he took responsibility. Some call it manning up. No matter what way you call it, the simple truth of the matter was: Elijah grew some balls and marched right towards Sugarcube Corner.

Unfortunately, he marched these newly sprouted testicles right into a low hanging branch.

After several moments of intense pain, far worse than being burned in lava, far worse than giving birth, and nearly as bad as getting your dick caught in the zipper of your pants, Elijah crawled his way painfully into Sugarcube Corner.

There, he saw Pinkie Pie smiling happily up at a giant cake monster that seemed hell bent on eating her.

“Fuck this. I quit.” Elijah closed his eyes, and waited to be carted off to Super Hell.

Yet nothing happened. Instead, when he opened his eyes, he saw a blond haired man with a guitar staring down at him.

“Kurt Cobain?”

The rockstar smiled. “Yes, it is I, dear child! What the hell are you doing, man? That pink pony things gonna die unless you kick that cake monster’s ass!”

Elijah began to tear up. “B-but... I’m so weak and pathetic!”

“True, you are... I mean honestly, you’re the worst piece of shit I’ve seen all day, and I was just near the Nazi section of Hell. But you’re you! And you don’t dare stop being you!” Kurt smiled encouragingly.

Elijah stared in wonderment at the former frontman of Nirvana. “Are you like, Jesus?”

Kurt frowned. “Um, that would be a no. What the fuck, kid?” The grunge pioneer picked up his guitar and handed it to Elijah. “Anyway, use this to attack the monster. Kick it’s ass hard!”

Elijah took the guitar, and looked up at the cake monster, who had since destroyed most of Sugercube Corner as Pinkie Pie gleefully dodged it. The boy felt pangs of doubt again.

“But it’s so scary! I can’t fight that!”

“Kid, don’t be a wimp and just kill the thing already! I gotta go, I’m having lunch with with Amy, Jimi and Janis in a few minutes. It’s a part of this club we all belong to.” Kurt turned to leave, then looked back. “Wait, can you answer me a question?”

Elijah, glad to do anything to avoid fighting the monster, said “Yeah?”

“How’s Axl Rose doing these days?”

Elijah snorted. “Oh, he’s fucking fat.”

Kurt smiled. “How fat?”

“I get diabetes just looking at him.”

The blond haired rocked laughed, and disappeared in a burst of smoke. Elijah smiled, then remembered the cake monster.

Elijah held the guitar over his head, and charged the baked baddy. “BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY KURT COBAIN, I SHALL-” The cake monster stepped on Elijah, snapping his spine and fracturing his pelvis.

The frosting and baked goodery slowly began to suffocate the already severely injured child. Elijah began to weep softly as he thought of all the Jersey Shore he would have to watch.

As his vision slowly faded, Elijah died for the second time. This one was much more painful than the last one.

“I always knew I would die buried in cake,” Elijah said sadly. “But I never thought it would suck so much!”

He waited for The Super Devil to drag his bony fingers across his face to begin his torment. Something did indeed drag over his face. It was wet, and slimy.

“Odd, I would think the fingers would be bonnier, not all soft and tongue like-” Elijah opened his eyes to see Pinkie Pie licking all the frosting off of him. She had eaten the entire cake monster while Elijah was incapacitated.

Elijah sighed as his back snapped into place, and his pelvis healed. Pinkie Pie sucked the last of the frosting off of Elijah’s eyebrows, and fell to the ground, her stomach bulging.

“Because, you know, fuck logic.”

Derpy

Elijah sat down on a tree stump outside of town, tired of it all. He knew that trying to quit would be pointless. This problem wasn’t like cancer, it wouldn’t just go away if he ignored it. Elijah had to go and face this problem and deal with it like a man.

The blonde boy stood up, and started wandering around Ponyville in no particular direction. Anywhere was better than just sitting on a stump, rotting away.

There was a slight sizzling noise, the smell of sulphur, and a pop! which signified the return of Elijah’s compatriot, the fat devil.

“Well,” the portly poltergeist said, snarfing down a lard covered twinkie wrapped in bacon, “Up next on your list in Applejack!”

Elijah put his hand up to his chin, squinted, and reflected upon this. “How about ‘no’?”

The devil gave him a blank stare. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“I don’t like Applejack,” Elijah said simply.

The devil was overcome with an abundance of cannot even. He was unable to even. He could not even. He was so unbelievably able to not even that he lost all ability to even.

“But... Applejack is best pony!”

Elijah shook his head. “Nope. Now, let’s see who’s next.” Elijah took the list from the befuddled devil and checked it. Instantly, his face fell. There was only one pony who could possibly be worse for his health than Pinkie Pie, and the name stared at him from underneath Applejack’s.

Derpy.

“Oh no...” Elijah fell to the ground, a face of utter despair. There were many things he could
handle. He had handled explosions. He had handled burns. He had handled Dashie’s dominance. Hell, he had even gone through the first chapter of Past Sins without his eyes bleeding too badly.

Derpy was a game-changer, however. This WOULD end in disaster, more so than any of the other disasters thus far created by him. He doubted that everything would end with Nicolas Cage and that nothing would hurt. In fact, things would most likely end with everything being Kristen Stewart and extremely painful.

Elijah wandered down the street of Ponyville, feeling like Christ going to the cross. This left him time to be alone with his thoughts.

“God dammit, I better get a religion based after me if I go to Superhell!”

Elijah cast his gaze to the sky, and spied a certain wall-eyed pony derping about the sky. Her mailbag fluttered open in the wind, and a horde of letters descending towards the human observing the scenario.

Elijah reached out his hand to grasp one of the letters, only to have his thumb cut neatly off by the razor sharp edge of the paper. Blood spurted erratically from the stump, and Elijah’s squeal of pain broke several windows nearby.

The rest of the paper flew down at the helpless teen, swooping in a deadly arc of lettery death. Elijah took the manly rout and curled up in a ball on the ground, whimpering. He would have sucked his thumb for added manliness, but that part of his anatomy was currently detached. He could have sucked the other one, but Elijah wasn’t very bright as you may have gathered.

Through some bizarre twist of good luck, all of the paper missed him by a few inches, tattering the edges of his shirt, slicing off a few inches of his hair, and sticking neatly into the ground behind him.

Derpy continued to fly on away like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Elijah stopped his manly display of cowardness, and looked after her. “Dammit, that poor Derpy, I can only imagine what sort of terrible things are going to happen to her. I must rescue her from such a terrible fate!”

Elijah stood up heroically, only to have his tattered pants fall to his ankles. This would have given the world a wonderful view of his Justin Bieber undies, if he were visible to the world.

Grabbing his severed thumb, the boy ran heroically down the street after Derpy in his undergarments. Derpy was now doing dizzying loop-de-loops, giggling as she did so. Elijah scratched his ass un-ignominiously as he watched her do so. Entirely by accident, the grey pegasus bumped her rump into the side of a nearby house, knocking a very large portion of shingles down towards the human below.

Elijah shrieked in terror as the shingles descended upon him, only to have them all fall around him perfectly, making him a little shingle house, complete with a bedroom and indoor plumbing.

“Well, that could have been a lot worse.” Elijah used the facilities quickly, and exited his shingle house, which collapsed into dust upon his leaving.

At that moment, Elijah became aware of the fact that he was still holding his severed thumb. He quickly popped into the nearest house, and raided the tool box for a roll of duct tape, a hammer, a needle, some thread, and a hammer.

“Now let’s see if I remember how to do this...” Elijah lined up his thumb to his stump, and after a few minutes of sewing, taping, hammering, and hilarious squeals of pain, he admired his handiwork.

His thumb was crudely sewn on backwards, and it was barely hanging on that. He tried wiggling it, and the appendage fell off. It landed on the ground, where it caught fire, accompanied by several sad trombone noises.

Elijah kicked the dirt, and angrily went off to find where Derpy had gone off to. He spotted her at a café, about to bite into a daisy and hay sandwich. A careless cook had left a chainsaw running the meal by accident. Derpy licked her lips, and was just about to bite into the delicacy as Elijah ran in super slow motion towards the table.

Derpy looked down at her sandwich. “Something’s not right here...” Elijah was about thirteen meters away from the table, still in super slow motion, when Derpy said this.

“It needs some salt!” Derpy grabbed the salt-shaker, and sprinkled the condiment all over the top of the sandwich. Elijah opened his mouth very, very slowly, and threw his hand out, even though he was still too far away to do anything.

Derpy primed herself to enjoy her sandwich, when she stopped dead again. Elijah was flapping his hands around hilariously, in super slow motion of course.

“Oh, Cook! You accidently left another chainsaw in my sandwich!” Derpy turned of the woodcutting device, and put it down on the table next to her. Cook “Cook” McCookson, the cook for café they were currently in, poked his head out and smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry about that, Derpy!”

Eventually, Elijah crashed into the table, at a very slow speed of course. Derpy had since finished her sandwich, and had flown off to pursue other things. Elijah lay on the table, exhausted and pantsless.

“God damn, this day is gonna end up biting me in the ass, I just know it. And I have a feeling it’s going to be very soon...”

Five hours later, Elijah came to the conclusion that he was wrong. “Damn, nothing of importance besides those three hilarious accidents earlier today that occurred right after each other in an ironic twist happened today!”

He had been following Depry all over Ponyville. Now, the sun was just about to go down, and Derpy was hovering in the air right outside of town, watching the sun go down.

“Ah,” the mailmare said to herself. “I do love watching the sun go down. It’s so peaceful...” Derpy inhaled deeply, a content smile crossing her face. Elijah had to agree with the grey pegasus on this one. This had been one of the nicer experiences he had enjoyed here.

The ground began to vibrate, and Elijah let a perplexed expression cross his face. What could that be?

“And there’s the Friendship Express, right on time!”

“Huh?” Elijah looked down to see that he was standing on a set of train tracks. Looking up, he was staring right down the grill of a train going at forty-seven miles an hour.

“You know, I’m not even surprised.”

CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKA!

Merry Fucking Christmas

Elijah’s experience with the train was less than ideal. Fortunately for him, after getting plowed rather painfully at extremely high speeds, he landed on a nice soft stack of pillows.

“Well, that was rather conv-” The velocity of his had to go somewhere, of course, and the force from his impromptu flight shook the trees above his, depositing a beehive upon the poor child’s noggin.

“NOT THE BEES!” After much screaming and clawing, Elijah landed himself safely in a thorn bush. The pain he was going through was intense, but if he just toughed it out he would be rewarded with more pain.

“Wait, now that I think about it...” Elijah picked a bee from his nose and flicked it out into the air. “That sounds like a terrible deal!”

The fart stench of Elijah’s least-favorite devil companion loomed towards him. “Ah, but don’t forget about Superhell!”

Elijah rolled his eyes. “Dammit, don’t remind me.”

The devil handed Elijah a smallish umbrella. “Here, take this.”

“Why would I-” Three feet of snow fell from the sky, smashing Elijah thoroughly into the frozen bush.

“Yes, it’s Hearth’s Warming eve, and you gotta be Santa for all these ponies!” The devil dumped a sack onto the poor boy. “Twilight gets a book, Applejack gets an apple, Rainbow Dash gets some rainbow watercolors, Fluttershy gets some chicken feed, Pinkie Pie gets a single balloon, Rarity gets a needle with no thread, and Spike doesn't get anything because he’s been a naughty boy.”

Elijah gave the devil a look of disdain. “Those all sound like really shitty gifts.”

“Hey, we didn't get funding this year, so we had to pull the gifts out from the Lost and Found box.”

Elijah shrugged, and headed on down to Twilight’s library. Winding his arm back, he chucked the book through the upper window. It smashed through the glass, hitting Spike on the back of the head. In addition to impairing glass into his head, it also knocked him flat on his face. Good thing he was holding a hot cocoa cup that was filled to the brim with the boiling liquid. It broke his fall, somewhat. The 3rd degree burns were a slightly unpleasant side-effect.

Elijah headed over to the Carousel Boutique and carelessly tossed the needle inside. Rarity walked in, tired from a day’s work. “Finally, I can get some rest!” The white unicorn did her dramatic little faint directed onto the couch, just where the needle happened to be pointing out at a 45 degree angle. They say that the screams were heard all the way in Canterlot.

Over at Sugarcube Corner, Elijah had run into some trouble. How was he supposed to give the balloon to Pinkie Pie? Deciding it would be best to tie it to something, he grabbed the closest thing to him and tied the balloon to it.

Poor little Pound Cake was carried away on the winter winds that day by the balloon. When he returned weeks later, he was donned in full armor and held the head of the Nemean Lion under his left front leg.

Our blonde protagonist, meanwhile, continued on not giving two fucks. He showed up at the apple family barn, where Applejack and Rainbow Dash were currently having a staring contest over who would get to eat the last slice of pie. Elijah threw the apple at the orange mare, and kindly set the watercolors in front of Rainbow Dash.

Both of the mares, of course, were freaked the fuck out by the floating watercolors. Well, Rainbow Dash was, rather, because Applejack was suffering a minor concussion from the apple.

Elijah was on the last leg of his epic Christmas adventure. As he went on to Fluttershy’s house, he wondered how long it would take until all the senseless violence that had happened so far would stop being funny.

“Probably never,” he mused right before he was attacked by rabid chickens who tore through his lower abdomen in a fruitless effort to get the to the chicken seed.

His demon pal showed up again. “Well, that looks like everything!”

“But wait, I didn't get Fluttershy her-” The devil stuffed an old newspaper into Elijah’s mouth to quiet the child.

“Shh... no tears. Only dreams. Oh, and you’re going to have to do Applejack next, you draft dodger.” Elijah’s eyes sparkled their perverted sparkle. “And not in that way, you sick fuck.”

Merry fucking Christmas.

Applejack

I lied, that last chapter wasn’t canon at all.

Elijah marched a slow and mournful march as funeral drums played in the background. He was, as they say in the business world, totally and completely screwed.

“I guess I’ll have to go check with... WORST PONY now...”

At that very moment, far away back on earth, a certain brony by the name of Shortskirtsandexplosions stopped typing the newest chapter of “The End of Ponies”, and turned to his master. “I just felt... a disturbance in the force... like a million bronies just shuddered in horror.”

His master, Bubbles the Chimp, put down his banana and spoke in a sage-like voice. “There is nothing you can do now... but write more pony words. Do it. Do it for Ponky.”

Shortskirtsandexplosions’ eyes teared up as he looked down upon a picture of his dearly departed. “Yes. Yes I shall.”

Bubbles the Chimp smiled. “Then have taught you all you need to know.” He turned his hairy back, and began to leave.

“Wait!” The brony shot his hand out, and the Chimp turned. “Don’t leave me... you’ve taught me so much in the ways of the written word, and the magic of friendship... but you could teach me in so much in the ways of love!”

“Um, I was actually just going down to grab some cheetos from the kitchen,” Bubbles said, initiating an awkward silence. “I kinda have to live here, I’m homeless.”

“Oh.”

“So what was that about love you were-”

“Aw, get outa here.” Skirts waved his hand at his mentor, who shrugged and headed down to grab some taste cheesy corn snacks.

Meanwhile, Elijah did not notice any of these events, and was instead focusing on the far more pressing matter of having to spend an entire day with Applejack.

“Her dumb hat... her unnatural work ethic...” Elijah mumbled as he ran over the list of bad things about Worst Pony. “And worst of all... HER ANNOYING ACCENT!”

Elijah had a friend who seemed to be the girl version of him named Tiffany. She was in love with southern accents. No matter how close he and his friend Tiffany were in terms of personality, he did not share her crazy fetish of the disgusting drawl of the south.

Elijah sighed, and looked up at the archway before him. “Well... here I am. Sweet Apple Acres.” He sighed, and headed into the property, passing by Granny Smith who was hiding in the bushes waiting to shoot anypony who would dare trespass.

Elijah put his hand up to his forehead and squinted, searching around for Applejack. Not finding her within the first ten seconds of searching, he did as any self respecting American did, and gave up.

Heading over to an apple tree whilst grumbling about the large quantity of illegal immigrants stealing all the work in this country, Elijah eyes the shade of the fruit foliage. It was a rather hot day, and Elijah could spare some free time. It wasn’t like he would go to hell or anything.

Elijah sauntered over to the tree with tons of swag, and leaned up against it. He sighed, finally happy, right before a nerve-wracking voice cut through the silence like a butter knife through steel.

“Alrighty, time to buck this here apple tree!”

Elijah had no time to react. The hooves came flying at his crotch closing in on speeds near light speed. His groin was ground into a fine paste of skin and blood.

Falling to the ground in immortal agony, Elijah emitted a squeak that only bats and a few breeds of dogs could hear. Winona’s ears perked up, sensing danger. She bounded off as fast as she could in the direction most ponies knew famous for housing large amounts of diamond dogs.

Applejack, on the other hoof, was perplexed. “Ah don’t remember trees ever bleedin’ before!”

Elijah, the crumpled shell of a man he once was, sure of the fact that this was the end. This was, indeed, the exact reason he hated Applejack to his very core. How could anyone DO this to him? Nevermind the fact that he was invisible and essentially mute, Applejack should have just detected the pure amounts of SWAG coming off him!

“This pain... is unlike any I have ever felt before...” Elijah gasped on the ground, slowly bleeding out. The colors faded from the world, the smells got less smelly, and the New Jersey became more evident. This was truly the end for our... um... “hero”.

Just as everything was going dark, the wind began to pick up. Elijah opened his eyes, straining to see what was going on. “Is this... super hell?”

Elijah’s eyes widened as a tornado came bearing down on Sweet Apple Acres. “Aw jesus, what the fuck.”

As the tornado got closer, he heard the distinct sounds of witches on bicycles. Applejack and Winona both attempted to run away from it, but were soon swept up.

“No!” Elijah said stubbornly, holding onto a nearby rock to avoid being spirited away. “We’re not doing a Wizard of Oz parody!”

ONE VISIT TO THE EMERALD CITY LATER

The plump devil who was in charge of Elijah’s afterlife was sitting on a rock texting his girlfriend when Applejack trotted past him wearing ruby boots with Winona fast on her heels. He looked over to see his client covered in straw.

“Haha, you had to be the scarecrow!” the portly poltergeist exclaimed with a snort.

“Yeah, whatever, at least I got this brain!” Elijah held up a brain in a jar of weird yellow liquid. “Also, I have a complaint; most of these little tasks seem to be more of beating the shit out of me instead of me actually helping ponies. I’m getting a bit suspicious here.”

The devil started to sweat a bit. “There’s no need for that! Anyway, you’ve got to go into the next pony now, Princess Celestia!”

“Wait, but the sun is—” Elijah started to say, pointing to the sun, which was at the high it normally would be at around noon, but it set and rose again in the matter of twelve seconds.

“Oh.”

“Now, get your ass in gear and go find Celestia!” the devil yelled, poking Elijah in his chops with his tiny pitchfork.