Some Kind of Soul (or, Bastard Juice)
Princess Celestia’s mane tended to flow more sluggishly in the mornings, which made maneuvering around it a fumbling act for her mind still fuzzy from sleep. Until she could have her first coffee of the morning, things would be slow and easy in Equestria — and for the most part, that was how the princess liked things. However, one of the exceptions to the carefree day ahead that she sensed was none other than her tail’s upkeeping. That was more of a hassle than any mane problems, and while she would never admit it to anypony, there were occasionally times when she had tripped over it when she had yet to pull herself from sleep’s lingering fog. When the princess was presented with days where that was her most difficult challenge, it was a sign of peace. Those were the kinds of days where she could count on minimal output in ensuring her nation ran, where she could feel rejuvenated by the conversations of her ponies as they surrounded her to be as much of delightful background music as the birds in her gardens.
Her eyes were tired and showed a little less of the ageless goddess she was before her immersive morning grooming routine, which was a necessity once she tended to her chamber’s plants. Idle thoughts danced in her mind while she tilted her watering can carefully over her window box, her magic faint and shaky in her tired grip. She thought of the tea she might have later with lunch. Celestia also found herself wondering if today called for soft orange eyeshadow or cheery yellow. All the while, she contentedly watered her blooming box of bright pansies. Her tiara was not even atop her head yet, and why would it be? She could worry about the face of her nation once she tended to the needs of others — even if they were but a box of flowers.
The dawn Celestia had brought to Equestria mere minutes before was a weak one, and Luna’s night had still not faded from the sky underneath the translucent pallor of Celestia’s morning. It was always Luna who made an art of the heavens above and Celestia who kept them in purely functioning form instead of flourishing and glowing with something beyond life, as Luna was so insistent upon. Princess Celestia brought the morning and sunset in a blink and swish of magic, and always had. There was no reason to change the simplicity, and how even the skies of Celestia’s daytime were meant for what they could do to enrich Equestria, and not a bit more. Her Summer Sun Celebrations were adored regardless of how plain her own gracefulness was. Now that Luna had returned, Celestia tried to be careful in ensuring Luna adhered to the same imposed simplicity too.
The everyday ought to be regarded as an ideal of its own, the princess thought.
Today was different from that ideal, but not abnormally so, as Celestia could not put her hoof on what that quality was. Weather ponies had announced the forecast’s schedule in advance, as they always did, and decreed that today would be overcast with rain later. But a mare could not help wanting to give her flowers a little snack, and she did not busy herself with buying and pondering the yearly weather almanacs made by the Order of Equestrian Weathersmiths in Cloudsdale. Such a common habit was the doing of earth ponies and certain specialized magicians, not a casual gardener like herself.
It was in this slow, chilly dawn that Celestia hummed idly and considered what the exact grind of the day would be. Her thoughts emerged cautiously through her daze as the fog around Canterhorn Mountain parted to reveal the lower spires and gleaming walls of her city.
Only then did the loud sound of a splash and a pop boom from behind her. It was almost certainly one of the common sounds of magic. Celestia gasped, eyes wide and wanting to find the source. Her already faint magic fumbled, spilling the remaining contents of her watering can as she whirled around.
Her eyes met her guest’s immediately, and her watering was forgotten, at least for now. There was no mistaking the serpentine form for anypony else she knew, not even the smallest of Qilinese and Neighponese wyrms. The mismatched limbs could only belong to one being, the only kind that could have Celestia smiling so naturally in the midst of a mess, like she was now. Some of her worries slipped away as quickly as they had come. The personal chambers of her and Luna were warded against teleportation and their few keys were guarded closely; the exception to these powerful barriers and strict tabs kept on the keys being any lovers or family members — and in Celestia’s case, her Faithful Students.
“Dissy!” she chided, “You gave me such a fright! What have I said about teleporting directly behind me before?”
“Do you want a full impression?” Discord asked, his claw and paw fidgeting, seemingly to unhook a fish from the former.
“No thank you,” Celestia said quickly, “at least not now. Gracious me, you look as though you’ve been on a whole string of errands! Are Twilight and her friends in trouble? Is that the reason why you look like you’ve lost a drunken square-dancing competition in a fishing store?”
“Erhm, well, no, that certainly isn’t the case…” Discord plucked a soggy piece of fabric from one of his horns and let it fall to the floor — which the princess decided to ignore. For now.
“Are those…” She squinted at the bright, friendly patterns and small buttons. There were at least four other aloha shirts clinging to Discord’s form and brought in with the clutter of his teleportation residue. “Are those… Butterfly Island shirts?”
“Why, yes! They are, now if I may—”
The princess sighed in a gesture approaching but just missing, a full pout. “You know how dear that particular colony is to me. Couldn’t you have told me that you were going? I would love to see if that juice bar I love is open — doesn’t that sound like a fine idea for lunch? Getting to watch the rainbows and listen to the waterfalls…”
“Well, about that…”
The draconequus gave an oddly nervous smile, wringing his paw and claw before proceeding to explode with magic, contorting his whole body in the blink of an eye to rid it of water. His rain poncho poofed away, as did the squirming fish and other odds and ends he brought with him. Only the smell of sea salt remained prominent. It was a scent that Celestia observed came from more than just Discord himself.
“Celly, I—”
He was cut off by a gasp from Celestia as she smiled at the other guest. Emerging from behind Discord was a green, slimy entity bearing a dopey smile aimed at Celestia.
“Well, hello there!” Celestia cooed, prancing momentarily. “Oh, Dissy! I’m so glad you brought little Smoozie-Woozie! Tell me, has he been causing any problems lately? Nabbing any trinkets? From the castle? From Twilight’s castle? Oh dear, did he take something from anypony else’s castle? Is that what this is all about, and why you had so many things with you?”
“Erm,” Discord twiddled his thumbs, “That isn’t too far off…”
She reached out to pat the green slime fondly, watching it wiggle gleefully. Discord always referred to the Smooze as male, but as for how it was able to be male, she had no idea. It certainly had no patterns, manner, or other signs for her to justify referring to it as such.
“Goodness me, is something else wrong?” She tapped around the Smooze lightly, as if to scratch non-existent ears. “Is he overdue on a playdate with Philomena, because I certainly think that she would just love to—”
“No, no,” Discord said quickly, his odd smile growing bigger and more hesitant. “It’s something else…”
All of the princess’s cheer fell away, leaving her not with her usual composure but a faint nervous air. Her mane flicked with quick, idle motions, having picked up speed with her budding worry that came from needing to take a step back and assess the situation. She blocked out the noise of fish flopping around on her gorgeous, rich carpet. Even the colors in her mane seemed a touch paler in the uneven light of her room. Why did it sound like Discord was uncomfortable sharing what was wrong with her of all ponies?
“Dissy?” Celestia asked, cupping his muzzle with her hooves. “What’s wrong?”
Discord, ever in motion, squirmed and fidgeted under the cool, soft touch of Celestia. “Well,” he drawled, “the Smooze is having problems.”
Celestia regarded the draconequus quietly, most of her tiredness gone from her eyes, though they had yet to shine with full alertness. She stepped back from her lover to turn her calm gaze to the Smooze, who was making squelching noises in the puffy little life vest Discord had put him in. For all intents and purposes, the Smooze was Discord’s pet, and a half-aware one at that. He paid her no mind, and followed her as she quietly withdrew a few bits from inside the drawers of a bedside table.
The Smooze accepted the treats eagerly, growing little from the meager offering and grinning its toothless, gumless, near-mouthless smile. Smiling back, Celestia was able to hide the discomfort from having the mucus-like residue left on her hoof, wiping it away with a conjured hoofkerchief. “I’m far from an expert on creatures of any kind, but little Smoozie-Woozie looks fine to me.”
She offered Discord a reassuring smile, pretending not to notice the Smooze ambling innocently about in the background — sliding over to her expansive vanity and ingesting a few precious, expensive crystalline perfume bottles.
When Discord did not stop twiddling his thumbs, and looked at the Smooze with a nervous stare past the bizarre creature, Celestia’s worry crept back. There was nothing to suggest anything was remotely wrong, and the only thing fishy was the smell now permeating her bedroom, but Discord usually worried over very little, and what his carefree attitude remained unbothered by, he tried to fix — and sometimes ‘fix’ — with his chaos magic.
It drew her to him, that unpredictability of his. In fact, he became so unpredictable that he became predictable to her, a mare who had known him for most of his life. And yet, Celestia’s expression softened knowing that anything that still bothered Discord so much after her attempt to weigh in would inevitably bother her as well.
“If this is a matter of creature quandaries, you have the wrong mare. While I am no busier today than usual, and you know I would love to help, I think that Fluttershy would be much better suited in helping the Smooze. She probably knows all the best vets in Ponyville; I’m sure one of them would know whatever ails little Smoozie here.”
Celestia’s horn flashed with magic, and she lifted a large basket to scoop the Smooze into, pulling the creature over to where they were. “I can get him some blankets and something else to eat, but if he’s sick, it’s only responsible to take him to somepony who knows how to help. Why, I even let Philomena self-immolate, so I’m not the best… consultant on pet health.”
“...Isn’t your birdie supposed to burst into flames?”
Tutting, Princess Celestia gave the confined Smooze another head pat. “Oh, of course, she is. But I still let her make such a show of it.” She cooed once more at the Smooze, before she hoofed him over to Discord, who now cradled the basket in his claws. “Now, you’ll keep me updated on his condition, right? Fluttershy should keep him in very good hooves, and I’m positive he’ll get better in no time. Oh, and do consider bringing Twilight into this. If Fluttershy doesn’t know how to fix the Smooze, I’m sure there’s something in Twilight’s castle library about magical illnesses.”
“The Smooze isn’t sick,” Discord said, ignoring the green slimy creature’s efforts to get Discord’s attention by brushing against him. “And he doesn’t need a veteran.”
“Veterinarian,” Celestia corrected automatically. “And if he isn’t sick, then what is wrong with him? Are you sure you don’t need him to see a specialist? If so, then maybe Fluttershy isn’t the pony to contact… Oh, dear…”
“Yes, yes!” Discord exclaimed, gaze darting about fretfully as he threw his forelimbs into the air and began pacing her bedroom in haphazard, nonsensical lap patterns. “I need your help, Celly! If I needed Fluttershy or Little Miss Book Smarts, I would have brought them here by now! Or, even better, I would have snapped—” here, Discord snapped for emphasis, “—the problem away and dipped into my own hocus pocus instead of purple pony princess peskiness!”
“Dissy,” began Celestia quietly, tugging at the Smooze’s basket with a forehoof in order to draw it closer. “Just what is the matter? I’m sorry if my suggestions are inadequate, but I have no idea what’s wrong to have you so worked up.”
Discord’s pupils shrank, dancing briefly with unsettling light. “Ponies are going to be in trouble! You’re the best at protecting ponies, not Flutters or Princess Friendship.”
Princess Celestia’s ears turned forward, her demeanor shifting to a hushed phantom of regal worry. The rambunctious escaped Smooze’s slime drooping down her legs suddenly felt cold and heavy.
She swallowed, her throat dry. A shiver raced down her spine.
...the best at protecting ponies…
“What… exactly do ponies need protection from?” she murmured, pulling the basket in her magic once more to corral the wandering Smooze in a way that even she had to admit was uncharacteristically brusque for her.
Discord had his claw raised close to his mouth and was biting absently at one, watching Celestia handle the Smooze with the neutral air of a distracted governess. “Celly, don’t treat that Smooze so meanly.”
‘Meanly’ was certainly not how Celestia was currently handling the green slime ball currently lounging in her oversized basket with all the awareness of a heat-dazed dog. More like a paranoid conspiracy theorist trying to seize the opportunity of being one step ahead of perfectly respectable royalty. However, that was not what really caught her attention.
“Discord, what do you mean, this Smooze?”
…
“I mean there’s more than him,” Discord replied, jabbing his paw toward the basket.
“How can there be more of these? I don’t recall them growing on trees like zapapples that anypony could harvest and parade about.” Celestia took a quiet, sharp exhale and sat down upon her vanity’s cozy nearby cushion. Her horn dimmed. When the golden light vanished, the Smooze splashed and writhed more contentedly in its temporary home.
“And just where is this second Smooze?” she asked him, a headache of worry pulsing softly under her horn.
“On one of Neighpon’s baby islands,” Discord said, pinching the air with his paw to demonstrate just how smol the landmass truly was — to borrow a Pinkieism.
Celestia bit at her lip. Neighpon was not only on the other side of the world and across the Barren Sea, but it was also made up of thousands of islands covering thousands of miles. The preparations needed for such lengthy travel would only be one issue to consider.
“What was it that brought you to Neighpon, of all places?” Celestia asked. Cross-continental teleportation left any creature — mortal or otherwise — drained, and was always safest done with stops. For Discord to have been there and back again so quickly, the urgency was all too apparent — as was the likelihood of Discord’s magic likely being stretched, like sore muscles after athletic endeavors...
...which would mean any magical responsibilities would be on her, if she were to take up this errand and its burdens.
“I try to visit all my creations,” Discord insisted, conjuring what looked like a photo album. He patted it once, spawning a dust cloud that drifted overhead. Celestia scooted close to Discord before craning her head low to get a better look at his ‘creations’.
“I see,” Celestia said, flicking an ear to the side, though the experience was not something she understood, having never had creations, foals she called own, or any lifeforms of the sort. She was not one to leave magical traps and artifacts about with the intention of them being found, or whatever else would warrant such check-ins. Perhaps to Discord, checking in on his creations was like writing to a dear friend — something she could grasp. “Now, how can this Smooze be a danger to ponies when that Smooze—” she nodded over to the resting blob, “—is an inoffensive creature. Why, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Is this a case of theft against the islanders’ wealth? Has the Smooze on that island grown too much?”
“Erm,” Discord scratched the back of his head. “Maybe we should slow things down a bit, eh? Yes, this one grew. She’s quite the big girl—”
“She?” asked Celestia, blinking, and tapping under her muzzle just so. “There is a lady Smooze?”
“Oh, of course!”
“...How can you tell?”
Discord gave a shrug that made the rest of his noodle body wave with the motion. “Dunno. Anyway, she’s not anypony’s little girl anymore. Oh, and she’s very cranky. He’s a small, docile bit of Smooze. She… isn’t.” Discord waved his paw in an effort to clarify, but the gesture was nervous and notably vague, even for Discord’s standards. “Think of her like this little fellow here during the Pretty Prancing Gala… just far bigger… and less friendly.”
Didn’t he see that he was worrying her mind enough? Celestia did not want to think about that, and shifted the Smooze’s basket over to her. “Why is it you have just learned of this creature’s actions, Dissy?”
Discord winced, his breath coming in an awkward hiss. “I haven’t seen her since I was stoned.”
Celestia’s expression was devoid of any notable reaction. “Petrified,” she insisted. “That means something much different now.”
“Oh, I know!” Discord burst into one of his familiar grins, the kind that usually had her laughing in lighter times. “Fluttershy’s friend Treehugger has told me all about it!”
“Mhm,” was the only response Celestia had about that. She rubbed the top of the Smooze. “We had better not waste any more time, Dissy. You need to conserve your magic if we’re to travel to the Neighpon Islands. I am surprised you even managed to get here and back somewhere!”
“It’s that draconequus stamina, Celly. You should know,” he said with a smirk as he rose before her, animating the door so it scuttled open on newfound legs in order for Celestia to carry the basket with the Smooze outside. It was secured into place with a brief snap of colorful chaos magic, and Discord appeared next to Celestia. Her regalia was adorning him clumsily and a hiker’s overstuffed bag was slung over his back.
“What did I just say about magic, Dissy?”
“Fine, fine, be Princess of the Fun Police,” he said, giving an exaggerated fool’s shrug.
When he grinned goofily at her, she managed to return a ghost of his smile and nuzzled him.
…
They divided their preparations and managed to complete most of them with ease. Letters to Luna had been written, letting the younger Alicorn know that she was to rule with Celestia’s absence, for she was not sure how long they would take. As obvious as it was, Celestia knew not writing would be cruel, and Luna needed to know where she was in case Discord and Celestia found themselves in any dire situations… such as encountering a curse, or either of them going missing. She had given Raven instructions to relay to the rest of the castle staff. This way, Luna would not be overburdened by simply making their subjects aware of her errand, and Luna ought to phrase things along those lines so their subjects would not worry.
Meanwhile, Discord delighted in busying himself with various tasks. He emptied an entire weapon rack into his bag, cramming at least five spears into the pack carelessly. Following those were a variety of suspicious-looking potions, matching couples’ canteens, a Smooze-sized sunhat, and a rubber duck.
Frankly, the sun hat was the most confusing part. Neighpon’s vast archipelago was quite rainy this time of year.
The Smooze squirmed inside Princess Celestia’s saddlebags as she went about her own work. She paid no mind to it, since the gooball was shrunk by Discord’s stern voice, which allowed her to turn her attention to the well-illuminated tower room, one that she was all too familiar with.
Maps of the known world covered the walls and the rough-hewn crystalline slab in stark contrast to the usual strong elegance of Canterlot Castle’s architecture. Upon them were well-preserved diagrams of entire regions and swathes of territory, their coordinates labeled precisely to ease teleportation’s few difficult elements. Making sure that nopony got lost teleporting between known lands like Neighpon’s islands or the dense Amarezon Forest of Brayzil was just as important as safe teleportation. Not only was it impossible to teleport to somewhere the caster had never been, but it was also possible to die, lose limbs, displace organs, or drain magic before a spell could completely transport one to their destination. Coordinates were the only way around never having been somewhere. It was a law in the way that gravity or physics had laws, they might be bent — hence things like coordinates — but never broken. Unicorns were taught from an early age to learn various coordinates as well as they would know their own cutie marks — including their home, school, royal guard stations, hospitals, and public libraries — all before it was even certain that they were capable of teleportation at all.
Other parchment threads detailing specific landmarks were tacked in odd places, showing specific locations in Equestria’s farther reaches, the colonies, and many foreign lands. A plethora of gems was shining in mountainous piles scattered around the room each bearing a supernatural glitter that glistened under the candle-lit shroud. Anypony who looked carefully would be able to see that the glow was coming from the inside of the gems instead of from the light’s interaction with them — a blatant indication of their involvement in enchantments.
Celestia calmly approached the wall bearing the most depictions of the Neighponese seas amid the scattered maps and illustrations. Her wings shifted faintly, folding over her saddlebags to better hide the jewels decorating it from the Smooze. Various pages showed images of the nation’s major islands, along with a few others that dotted the heavy parchment in ink long since dried. Though, tales had reached the princess’ court regarding islands with themes pulled out of storybooks: cats and rabbits outnumbering the sapient residents in charming aquacultural villages and other seaside destinations.
“Discord!” she sing-songed, waving a forehoof toward her. “Which of these islands is your other Smooze close to?”
Her horn lit, and she began to stuff several ensorcelled gems into her Smooze-less saddlebag. They glowed brighter when reunited with her magic once more, and she was careful to discard any that were chipped or flawed from the magical overcharge rawer forms of Alicorn magic could bring to such ordinary gemstones. Chariots and boats saw more use than her personal teleportation chapel, but that was no excuse for her not to let her hoards go uninspected.
Discord slid over to her, spinning like the marble floor was made of butter. “Hrm-hrm.”
Celestia gave the Smooze a scolding look before shoving its slimy body away from where it tried to snag some of her gems that were making her saddlebag bulge considerably from her bounty. Her hoof was all that told the creature what it was doing was unwanted, since never once had the Smooze responded to anything other than voice or touch — which was an abnormal behavior even for a non-sapient animal.
“That one!” Discord exclaimed, pointing at a speck of land painstakingly labeled in small horn-writing as Uninhabited Islet #127.
“You’re certain it’s that one?” asked Celestia, giving Discord a gentle, but serious look. “We could be island-hopping for heavens know how long if this isn’t the right island.”
“Definitely that one!” Discord tapped the map, ignoring Celestia when she shoved the Smooze back into the saddlebag it was trying to slide out from. “There was an island shaped like a potato chip nearby, and if you look very carefully this one is clearly shaped like the potato chip I remember.”
Princess Celestia looked doubtful at the inky silhouette. “Don’t most islands look like potato chips?”
“Of course not! And besides,” Discord said, scoffing, “this one is clearly a ruffled chip, which I’m sure you’re very well acquainted with if you think all of them look like chips.”
Celestia gave a small, chastising hum in the back of her throat. It was her way of showing she would not dignify the chip remark with any further replies. “And that makes all the difference?”
“Absolutely!” Discord crossed his forelimbs. “Imagine if you were here with somepony else who thought any old potato chip shape would do. You would be lost in no time!”
Celestia clicked her tongue, smiling and shaking her head. “Oh goodness, Dissy. What would I do without you?”
“I just told you: be lost in no time!”
“Well,” Celestia gave the maps one last look, “if that is the closest island, then I suppose we must make haste.”
Discord nodded, and held his paw out, charging it with the colorful and frantic aura of chaos magic. Celestia’s magic shimmered to life once more, the gold intensifying with every second. The princess wrinkled her muzzle from the effort and squeezed her eyes shut from the bright outpouring of golden aura coming from her saddlebag. The Alicorn magic tethered to the gems jumped at her conduit, eager to be used and drained into something.
Before the chance to complete anything came, Celestia laid another layer of preservation enchantments upon the room’s contents with a flicker. The heat of the tower room grew more intense with the duration of Celestia’s magic.
Discord tapped his paw to Celestia’s horn, complete with a pfffftttt sound effect which caused the two lovers to fade in a flash.
...
The first sound Celestia heard was a terrible crash in the distance. It was too deliberate to sound like thunder and did not sound as if it came from the sky. The subsequent ringing that ached in her ears refused to fade after she opened her eyes. Celestia yelped at the view that greeted her. A large tide from the sea rushed against her hooves, while the wind threw her tiara nearly off her head. Luckily for her, Discord was standing nearby, and he had slipped it back on her head. Unfortunately, it did not totally secure her mane from being whipped back and forth by the blustery gusts. The waves continued to cascade upon the sand due to all the clamoring on the other end of the island.
Celestia sighed. She and Discord were finally where they needed to be, despite Discord’s sense of direction. Unfortunately, where they needed to be resulted in them being left stranded on a beachhead while being bombarded by a cataclysmic storm from across a narrow stretch of sea. That was something that even three charges of residual magic helping them in finding their location could not compensate for. She looked around, inhaling unsteadily, and tried to stand her ground. Sand slipped into one of her shoes. Anarchy dominated the poor, scrappy cay where Celestia and Discord stood. The weakened trees further inland trembled in the gale of the ferocious winds. Whatever was causing the disaster on this island rattled the tall palm trees and uprooted them as if they were toothpicks.
Celestia was tense with the anticipation of a dragon’s roar or other monstrous calls that never came. This left her and Discord to watch as trees fell, collapsing towards the alien boom coming from the island. Tense seconds after each fall passed in something closer to silence. The sounds that followed were somewhere between the furious roiling of a sea monster and a lumber mill’s snarl.
Despite nature’s wrath, Celestia felt the need to take the first few steps forward. Unfortunately, they were halted, and the goddess balked when she felt the Smooze slip himself partly around her leg, where it stayed, quivering. Was he afraid like her? Was he afraid of the storm too? Or was the other Smooze nearby and he sensed it? She quickly dismissed the notion, reminding herself that the creature was blind, and always showed a fairly dim awareness of things that were not trees. Yet, she felt him shaking with all the fear she could barely show, and took that as a sure sign that despite the omen, reason itself was in favor of him being innocent of the combat she simply dreaded.
Celestia was no goddess with a domain in fighting, and her ability in combat was minimal, at least for an Alicorn. Whatever beast this other Smooze would prove to be was one she could imagine. Even though Discord was afraid, she wondered if the other Smooze could pose an actual threat. Normally, the Smooze she knew was not as susceptible to magic in the same way other creatures were. And to see a Smooze like the one in her possession be compared? It was hard to look at the little green blob clinging to her and think any counterpart of it could be any stronger than the one she held so close had been at the Grand Galloping Gala.
“Celly,” Discord said while lifting her up and shaking her head. This jolted her from the grip of the Smooze. “Look at those.”
And she followed to where his claw was pointing, her mane brushing under his chin. All the island’s plants and stones were filled with holes and marks that were porous and almost dissolved in appearance. This suggested only one thing, and it was not a sign of the weather’s wrath upon the island. No, the uneven nature and hints of slime were all too telling of Smooze that had tasted something, attempting to digest it in want to a meal, only to reject the stuff of attack as improper food not unlike a spoiled foal.
“This Smooze has been… eating the island?” Celestia asked, muzzle wrinkling. “Is that what those marks are? Dissy, didn’t you say that this creature has been here for centuries?”
“Oh, it has. I’m afraid it’s just… been stress-eating lately.”
Celestia offered a small frown in response, suddenly very conscious of her figure. “As much as I’m sure the ocean will be problematic for this Smooze, I can’t imagine it being more than a delay…”
She trailed off, only seeing Discord offer a quick nod of agreement from the corner of her eye.
“How does your magic do with this one?”
Discord gave what Celestia initially mistook as a shrug before scooping up the frightened Smooze between them and giving it half-hearted pats that bordered on simply poking it. “About as good as this one. Extremely. Magically. Retardant,” he punctuated each word with another poke to the jiggling and already out-poked Smooze.
“And this one is entirely malicious?” Celestia asked. She tried to keep alert, her ears perked to note any sudden movements around them, while keeping herself composed so as to not rouse any suspicion from Discord or the little Smooze. However, the storm was denying her of said composure, as the latest rumble of thunder shook the island to its core. A mare could not rush into battle entirely unprepared, no matter how poor she might be in combat.
“Very, very malicious, Celly.” Discord leaned toward her, before he stage-whispered in her ear, “It has sharp teeth too.”
Celestia nearly opened her mouth to retort, but she couldn’t find the words to describe how she was feeling. How could she ask how a Smooze, a slimy little rascal could have teeth? Yet again, the one that crawled up her leg did also devour her fine perfumes, so maybe Discord’s claim was not too far from the truth? She resolved in her own steely, shutting her mouth as trying to comprehend that point was a trial not worth attending. Maybe… “I-I see… and it cannot be reasoned with? Or pacified in any way?”
Discord gave a quick shrug that bounced from shoulder to shoulder and back again with the fluid motion of a slinky toy. His expression dipped into something momentarily downcast and uncertain. “I’m not sure. She made about as much sense as I do.”
Celestia honed in on two things: this Smooze was apparently a ‘she’ and that Discord looked like he would have rather said ‘no’ to her previous question. She would’ve pondered further on this if only Discord didn’t whip out a colorful chart fully scribbled in crayon.
“Oh, and when I tried talking to her she threw three trees at me. Can you believe that, Celly? That makes a ‘Very Angry’ creature rank on the Tree Throwing to Emotions Conversion Scale.” Discord tapped his chin, his chart vanishing as quickly as it came with a pop of his typical, aura-less magic. “Could you imagine if poor Fluttershy saw something like that?”
Celestia nodded, as was proper, but hid the way her thoughts strayed with the politeness of the motion. Lady Smooze was big enough to hurl multiple trees while consuming an island. A creature at least the size of a cottage came to mind, the approximate size feeling quite right for something that could potentially be hurling multiple trees at once. All this was quite different from the Smooze that had returned to wiggling with fear in Discord’s grip. Why, even the act of referring to the Smoozes with such an air that the large ‘S’ brought was beginning to feel puzzling now that it was no longer a name and creepy, for neither made sense to have that grand, commanding letter as a species as Alicorns did. At least the names of Mister Smooze and Lady Smooze could ease that.
“I still need to get a good look at what we are dealing with,” Princess Celestia said, casting Discord a worrying look and letting her tail trace patterns in the sand with quiet sobriety. “If I attempt to stun the Smooze from a distance, we shall only be heaped with errors neither of us can afford if the lives of my ponies or the Neighponese kirin are on the line. These truly are creatures too bumbling, too ravenous, and too resistant for their own good.” Celestia winced with distant recollection, not at the thought she almost called the unknown smooze ‘she’, which was all too personal a designation. She’d had far too many accidents when dealing with the Smooze she now carried, these were creatures ripe for attracting magical mishaps of all forms. “Anything I am to cast against this offending being will need to be done at close range.”
“Oh,” came a familiar teasing edge, “I’m very familiar with your attempts at long-range combat.”
Discord tried to hide his snickering with a claw but to no avail, while Celestia clicked her tongue. With a glow of magic and a snap, her saddlebags came off and she plopped them into Discord’s claw, already burdened by their favorite companion. The barest hint of mischief danced behind her seriousness.
“Take these,” she insisted. “If I’m going to be doing much of the work in driving out our new friend, you will need to mind our escape and make a lure to draw the focus of the other Smooze. We’re in this together,” Celestia said, giving him a quick nuzzle, “and I’ll need you to be ready for anything.”
Discord affirmed her words with a play salute. “Anything for my princess.”
With that said and a soft smile on her part, Celestia spread her wings and took off.
…
The heart of the island was a nest of terror. There was no hint of elegance in how the island had been sampled, and thus no indication of the identity of the actions of Lady Smooze, just the scars it inflicted upon the land without care. Where the Smooze reached out and uprooted features and foliage could be plainly seen, even where Celestia soared high above. The gusts were of little consequence to her Alicorn strength, and she could soar high enough above the debris being flung about to assure her safety. It was necessary for proper tracking to scope things out this way, not just because she was tracking a predatory, but because she also needed as many distant views of the island terrain as she could get. There, she saw the Smooze, and she gasped, covering her maw with her hoof.
This was nothing like the Smooze that accompanied her and Discord. This was a menace, a grotesque monstrosity that spilled across the other end of the cay and bobbed in the sea with a bouncy gait like a waterfowl. If there was anything to suggest that it could swim, then ponies really were in danger. She was certain any wildlife living here had already met a grisly fate.
Knots writhed in Celestia’s stomach at the thought. She needed to get closer. There was no way she would be able to see any disadvantages of the Smooze from this high up. And so she dove closer to the ground, her wings tearing through the sky noisily. Her descent proved her point further: the full grotesque appearance of the creature was clearly on display. Celestia took in the foul sight with a shuddering breath.
This was no form of an oversized slime mold, and it was the size of half a dozen cottages. There was no room for doubt that the Lady Smooze was ravaging the island was an abomination unlike any that Celestia had seen before. Dozens of ginormous misshaped mouths lined with rows of malformed teeth snarled and chomped away at the world. While there were some slimy looks to parts of the creature, the bulk of the body was a hideous mass of pulsating tents of flesh. Worst of all were the countless array of body parts protruding from the purplish mass. Half-formed paws chipped antlers, salt-ruined giant insectoid wings, bulging stingers, ridges of diverse bone dripping smooze-filth, and writhing tentacles were dragged limply along in the monster’s crawling search for more nourishment.
Just what was this horror? And how could it come to be?
Celestia whickered nervously before charging her horn. The searing light did nothing more than taze the smooze as she held it to the creature.
Her effort was enough. Immediately, dozens of eyes shifted their attention toward her from across the mass with an audible, disgusting noise. They arranged themselves at the top of the beast. Their sizes were as irregular as the forms of teeth and bone already present, but each one was seething with an emotion Celestia could only conclude was fury. Their reddish pupils and bloodshot irises were ringed with soured yellow that could not make it clearer who their focus was. All she knew is that they were looking around, or even on her, and their gaze was of fury.
Gulping discreetly, Celestia fired her magic again before barrelling noisily to the side. She acted none too late, as the irritated beast swatted spastically at her and she narrowly avoided contact with the fleshy gunk.
Again, her magic grazed the creature with a blinding intensity that dwarfed the ability of any unicorn. The steadiness of how she continued to apply her stun efforts made it flail and lurch, groaning as it caused the island nearby to rumble. The sound made Celestia’s ears perk up, and she realized what she had done.
Now she had it moving.
…
Another sound greeted Celestia as the beach came into view once more. The wind whipped violently in her ears and the motion of the Lady Smooze below was equal to a buffalo stampede. Above all that, a faint and jolly sound carried over both.
Discord was instructing his Smooze on how to play a whole ensemble of ridiculous instruments. The green Smooze made slobbery attempts at song into a harmonica and sent symbols banging hideously with its every move. Nearby, Discord hopped up and down, simultaneously directing his Smooze like a maestro’s more spastic counterpart while maintaining his own control over his own array of instruments. From where she was, Celestia could count at least fifteen under the control of Discord — though, their sounds were anything but controlled.
While those two lured the angered Lady Smooze forward with their band, Celestia continued to fire modest amounts of her power behind the rampaging purple mass. This served as an excellent way to further irritate the creature. The Lady Smooze was already leaving a distorted path of glassy, fragile magma where sand had once been.
In the chaos, Discord was quick to dodge this advancing onslaught, his orchestra vanishing with a snap. He always was one for evasion. While Celestia could only fight in short-range, uncontained bursts, Discord had no heart or mind for traditional fighting when being slippery and tricky could work instead. Only this time, he couldn’t slip from conflict so easily: he had forgotten to remove the green Smooze from the line of the other’s fury!
Princess Celestia wanted to call out, to urge him to go back for the neglected Smooze, but her words didn’t come. They caught in her throat like a weight that dragged her focus back to the task at hoof, and that meant having to tear her gaze away from two things: Discord’s horrified realization dawning at who he had left in danger’s way and the fearful green Smooze burbling and blubbing in confusion for Discord to come back.
Celestia tried pumping her wings faster, the instinct to save the pitiful Smooze quickening her heartbeat. Swells of overwhelming worry made the sweat fall down the back of her neck faster. The green Smooze had no features that could properly express fear, but the princess knew the sound of pure terror from those who were helpless when she heard it. Even non-sapients like the Smooze had their primal emotions and their torment was not something Celestia could ignore.
She could see the green Smooze trembling in the shadow of the advancing Lady Smooze. Her mind spun deceptive thoughts the more she took in the creature’s fear, trying to convince her that she was wasting time when only seconds had passed and the initial whiplash of fear between her and Discord was still in full swing.
With a torrent of writhing and wiggling, the green Smooze appeared to diminish itself in what Princess Celestia could only think of as the opposite of deimatic behavior. It fell in on itself as if it had anywhere to go when in the shadow of a foe…
...only to unfurl itself, size doubled instantaneously…
...and it kept expanding.
Before Celestia could blink, her raging heartbeat demanded that she halt her flight, and she obeyed. The once insignificant green Smooze was transformed into a being unrecognizable when compared to its previous form, much to Celestia’s fear and Discord’s visible antsiness. However, its new appearance was very, very much like Lady Smooze.
What was previously her and Discord’s Smoozie-Woozie was now an amalgamation of flesh, limbs, oozing terror, and other secretions. Dozens of mouths widened with fury and pain, gnashing rows of mismatched teeth. An ear-grating symphony of roars ripped from each one, each one its own discordant call. Though she was not as keen with beasts as Luna was, Princess Celestia could feel fear all twisted up in those frightening, agonizing cries.
As distant as he was, Celestia could feel Discord’s increased fear like it was a sheet draped over her withers. It was a subtle thing for him to show fear, and the princess knew that if she were standing near him, Discord would still be unlikely to express real terror instead of a cartoonish ghost of it. Such was his nature. And yet, the feeling might just be a product of her own fear, multiplied, projected, and nothing more. It was hard to discern as she beat her wings and dived downwards. The weight of her heart was rattling in her ears.
In her mind’s eye, she had the barest inkling of something new tickling her thoughts. Unfortunately, it was also something that toyed with her own fears she tried to bury. If her hunch had anything behind it, the green and purple smooze could be reconciled. Was that not something she should rightly be troubled by, the linking of such opposite things? That was not a blend her mind could process, where innocence and monstrousness existed as segregated concepts, and always had.
Magic was bright on her horn, and Celestia worked on weaving a familiar spell: one leftover from her time as an Element Bearer. It was woven with Harmony’s own light and filled with Kindness. She had only ever used it on Faithful Students and the inconsolable, for it would bring them one of their positive memories as a pacifying gesture.
As the light of magic filled her eyes, she was struck in her moment of blindness. Celestia yelped, eyes lost in white-hot nothingness. Moments later, it registered that in her flight the Lady Smooze had reached up and been able to slip a foul limb around her, leaving bile and other secretions upon her even when she had managed to escape its grip.
In the struggle, she had let a burst of teleportation magic free without ending her previous spell. The incomplete Kindness spell’s iridescent light and the gold of her teleportation had layered atop one another, and even though she had managed to teleport from the creature’s vile grip…
...her previous spell had been released too and struck through the blurs of radiance in her vision; she could see it hit the green Smooze...
...and then…
...and then...
...
The memory pulled itself around all her senses, smothering them with fog and fear. Her magic tinted the world of mist with harsh golds and deep yellows. In it, Celestia was not herself. She was immaterial, both infused with the feelings of an observing force and the mare at the center of the dream simultaneously. The sheer terror of the latter seeped into the oppressive, constricting sense the memory had. It was as if Celestia had her mind poured into half-frozen jello when she was still herself and left to weigh there, abandoned and disembodied in a new container.
And to think that this was all happening in an instant outside of where she currently found herself. The divergent tugging of her mind and body, so painfully indivisible from each other, was enough of a reminder.
The third sensation was the fragile one from within the mare, dim and dying in a way that a goddess like Celestia could only acknowledge, but not understand or express empathy towards. There was only the barest mind to that agonized mortal.
The memory was fragmented, twisted, and controlled by the toll of something mind-breaking for which Celestia had no name. She could only view these splinters mutely. There was obviously little else this mind had to cling to. It was so pervasive that the area other than the raised sandstone topped with drenched cotton sheets was lost, devoured by the warped memory’s nature.
Another mare with the patterned veils of the desert stood by the prone mare. Her face was pale with fear and slick with sweat, but hers was only a fraction of the panic of the clamminess of the mare upon the bed-slab. The curls of their manes were stuck along their faces, and Celestia felt the echo of the sliminess they made. That sensation made her wonder who it was she was supposed to be in this scene.
Words flew out of the pacing mare’s mouth in what Celestia could only guess was a predecessor to modern Arabian. How she hovered over the other mare who was in the throes of labor made it clear that she was a midwife, and the mare whose sweat-soaked pink mane was free to tumble upon the sheets squished under her was the midwife’s charge.
The sight between the patient’s legs was ghastly enough; no birth was a pretty one. But something else was at hoof, something ominous and urgent. The new mother’s eyes showed hints of fogginess in her horrible, pained spasms. She was heavy beyond what any mortal mare could reasonably carry. What was truly creepy was how it looked as though she were still bloating…
The midwife, in a fit of nerves, murmured what Celestia guessed were prayers, and pressed damp clothes over the other mare’s brow. Her soothing words did nothing to hide that this mother was pale and screaming with what little energy she possessed.
One of her lower legs spasmed went limp, and more than blood flowed out. Something that should not have exited the body — and certainly wasn’t any part of the fetus. It became obvious — to Celestia — that she was being torn and stretched as something tried to exit her womb.
And whatever it was, it pulled itself out without care of the dying sobs or effort from the birthing mare. It wanted to force itself out, only for Celestia to remain fixed by the viscous quality of the memory and have to watch the mare who would never be a mother give her last desperate, pained screams.
Under the array, malformed body parts pulsating under grime was the hint of something greenish.
At the sight, Celestia knew exactly what the green meant. The memory collapsed in a nauseating plunge just as Celestia caught the last glimpses the scene offered her. The midwife was shunning what her very job required of her and was fleeing from the sight. It was immediately followed by a symphony of disgusting noises that sealed the fate of an innocent young mare that Celestia was certain had been left to die alone.
…
Aisha knew she loved the draconequus when her chores were consumed with thoughts of the peculiar youth. She would wind a forehoof in her pink tresses and feel her face grow happily warm at the thought of the creature. She made nightly treks up to the temple her village had built to house the rare one when she knew she would be the only priestess there to share his company.
She was not the only one in her village who adored him, for they all left the draconequus — that was what he called himself — food, drink, and other offerings. Aisha just happened to be the only one who had her heart made light and warm by the creature.
Aisha was special to him; she was sure of it. He showed her all the tricks of his magic and spun stories of made-up friends that told of equines like no other, with magic beyond mortal capacity, wings, horns, and everlasting life. No other mare got to hear such tales, he told her, in a rare moment of seriousness. His tone would have the same, fleeting softness that he only used for one other thing — compliments to her dawn-pink mane and tail, which she kept so carefully groomed and dust-free.
On all other occasions, they were careless. He said it was his nature to have this complete recklessness and go wherever the wind took him, and that was something she found terribly romantic. There was no poetic skill to him at all, and his horrible ability with words only endeared him to Aisha because it was so different from the stallions of her village, giving him an unrivaled and unique sort of charm in being charmless. The creature told her about how he spent his travels rising with the sun and staying where he pleased when he pleased, and for however long he pleased. To Aisha, that was the life of a hero.
Once, Aisha had asked him if there was anything special that would ever make him want to stay anywhere. She had batted her eyelashes at him and wore his favorite scarf — a flowing pink streaked with purple and green — to catch his attention and give him every hint.
Instead, he had grinned at her and asked if Aisha wanted to watch him touch his eyeball with his tongue.
Aisha couldn’t put her hurt into words for him — that wasn’t what hearts were for, and she was a mare who listened to her heart’s songs, no matter the trouble it got her into. So she let the offense slide from her memory and hadn’t shown it had wounded her. He was only being himself, and Discord was one who did no harm. They continued to be young and reckless on all of their visits together.
Now Aisha had something that would make him want to stay with her forever, and it was something that they had shaped together. Plus, all the other priestesses would be so very jealous of the treasure that she alone would bear.
What she had not expected was to find him already gone, the entire temple was empty of even one lit torch. Only the sound of night wind over the oasis greeted her.
This memory had come to Celestia through a haze tinted with gold and the iridescence of harmonious light magic. Yet, those colors so bright and good should not have been harsh or inappropriate in any situation. And how was it that they could accompany such heartbreak?
...
Celestia cried out again, in fear and distress. She shook the last shambles of the past from her eyes, kicking and thrashing mid-flight as she did so. The world hit her sideways and her bearings snuck up on her. The goddess flexed her wings and pumped them rapidly, unable to make the tight veers and swift motions she needed due to her size and relying on her nature alone throughout her life. It was a deficit she had always envied Princess Luna for. Soon, she was out of harm’s way. The moments she had viewed from her miscast spell still dizzied her with their gruesomeness.
...There had been nothing left in the mind of the creature she had once thought of as innocent Smoozie-Woozie.
No, the minds of the creature. It was two beings fused in torment together, the fusing of a mother and foal left in agony all these years later… with not even a full death to liberate them and let them pass on to the afterlife…
...and she had thought of it like a pet.
Something foul and sickly wanted to push something up her throat. Despite the acidic taste of her much-dreaded feelings, Celestia forced her throat to tighten and flew higher.
On the beach below, she could see Discord standing in the shadow of what had been the green Smooze. His nervous surprise would look comical in any other situation and was not nearly as attentive to how the creature bellowed and wailed. Instead, he waved his arms about, grasping a bullfighter’s red flag and jerked it about inelegantly. She couldn’t hear just what he was saying from so far above, but it was catching the attention of both beasts. They jostled one another and surged toward Discord, which caused Celestia’s heart to race anew. Though her head was still light, she debated if there was a spell that could help, only for none worked their way into her hazy thoughts.
The green Smooze reached Discord first since he was closer. Her heart raced with how she juggled her thoughts to interfere. Princess Celestia continued watching with bated breath, her expression was still and somber. If Discord needed her, he would call to her, and yet Celestia could not fully wrestle down her usual instinct to dive in and make everything as it should be, without anyone else needing to worry.
Discord was more than capable of what he was doing. She just had to mind that, and mind it repeatedly to quell all her thoughts saying otherwise.
Once the green Smooze was close enough to him, Discord did away with the bullfighter’s prop and held out his paw in an inappropriately friendly wave.
Every one of the green Smooze’s eyes immediately focused on Discord. Some even wrenched themselves around, tearing what little cohesiveness there was to the Smooze’s general form in order to look at the lone draconequus.
Warped torrents of irregular multicolored magic encircled Discord’s talon. Green and gold were the brightest shades of the familiar chaos magic that jumped out in Celestia’s eyes. Before she could offer her own contribution, Discord tapped the creature. Dozens of eyes swirled with rings of color and the beastly transformation began to deflate.
When the green Smooze fully reverted to its gooey form, Discord scooped up the creature and swung out of the way from where the Lady Smooze barrelled forward. He disappeared from sight in a snap of magic; Celestia’s body tingled with adrenaline and she would have dived forward to scoop up her love had he not been quick and tricky.
A tap on wither jolted her from the rapid pace of her thoughts.
“Dissy!” Princess Celestia cried, whirling around to see her Dissy poking over from a nearby cloud. The green Smooze was clutched in his forelimbs, oozing over his grip. Celestia felt her coat go paler at the sight of the now-passive thing and its dumb smile. “You could have let me know…”
She inhaled sharply — perhaps even too much so — and tried to figure out what it was she had meant to finish the rest of her statement with. What exactly could he have done that wouldn’t have given her a fright?
“Oh poo,” Discord said, though his lack of a smile spoke of their serious situation. “What has got your tongue, Celly?”
He waved a disembodied tongue in his grip while Celestia sighed.
“So… your Smooze… and that...” Celestia shivered, still not wanting to look at either. “...They are the same, then?”
“Oh, yes,” Discord replied casually, patting his gooey companion. “She and I go way back too, even farther than this little guy!”
Celestia offered a broken glass smile while Discord didn’t notice the full nature of the gesture. He was too busy giving the gooey hybrid a noogie. How he knew the gender of each smooze suddenly made a bit of sense, even if there was likely a ‘she’ mixed into both smoozes anyway. Still, she had to put off what horrifying memories of dual demise would be in the purple Smooze.
“Is… is there no way you could do that same spell on our purple friend?”
“Celly?”
There was something in Discord’s tone that Celestia couldn’t put a hoof on. “Yes, Dissy?”
“Do you think there is anything left in her to call a friend?”
Celestia hung her head, unwilling to speak the truth.
…
Discord insisted he was pushing the cloud higher, even as he hugged the green Smooze tightly. Celestia refused to correct him and continued to keep her aura steady as she tugged it far above the island’s sky. When she was satisfied with its height, she settled down next to Discord and let him wrap a paw around her withers. Thankfully it was smooze-free.
Together, they peered down at Lady Smooze’s rampage below.
“And you’re sure this is the only way?”
Discord gave the world below a distasteful look. Their bags floated aimlessly within the green Smooze, undissolved in an effort to store them safely. “Unfortunately so, Celly. No magic is going to work on her. Can you think of anything else that would?”
She avoided his pointed look entirely, pretending to adjust her mane by running her feathers through it to comb debris that wasn’t there.
“This wasn’t going to be a friendship and rainbows errand.”
Celestia kept her eyes downcast. “So be it. We use your plan, then.”
Discord nodded, patting her wither absently with his paw. With another snap, chaos magic engulfed his talons. Ignoring the showy display, Celestia lit her horn with the modest amount of aura needed.
Below them, the world cracked and rumbled. The sound of the fit thrown by the Lady Smooze was lost to a noise eerily similar to an earthquake. Celestia leaned over the edge, her mane spilling with the motion, and watched the results of their magic attentively.
The island was being uprooted, and the strength of their magic made it appear as ordinary as pulling beets from a garden. Lady Smooze was too big to scamper, but she was obviously filled with confusion as her cay home was pulled and shrouded in the dual glow of two gods.
The sea rushed to fill the chasm left in the wake of the cay’s absence. Celestia bit her lip watching the torrent of raging dark waters. Discord manipulated the floating island first; he jerked it forward and elbowed Celestia until she hesitantly tilted it too.
Lady Smooze tumbled in, no more than a moment of purple that vanished among the churning waters.
They pressed the cay back into place until the ocean surrounding it was tinted with something darker.
Discord had told her multiple times it was the only way to be certain.
...
Princess Celestia thought she could still smell sea salt long after they returned. She let the automatic grind of royal duties sweep her up for the rest of the day, and her mind numbed itself with routine. She promised Discord that they would have time together the next day. When Luna had excitedly wished to hear all the details there were to her ‘adventure’ — because everything was an adventure to her — Celestia gave the most civil answers possible. A princess does not present herself as unwilling to hold a conversation.
When the next morning came, Princess Celestia noted that she was slower than usual to brush her mane in uncomfortable silence. She never cared for those two words much. All silence was uncomfortable, so the little turn of phrase always came across as too obvious and painfully redundant.
No silence ever lasted; she knew the ways to banish it and fill its place.
This time, all she had to do was have a conversation with Dissy. Really, there was nothing frightening about that, or about him. But what creature could blame her for not knowing how to address the smooze in the room?
…
Mister Smooze glowed happily as Princess Celestia doled another helping of lesser gems into the bowl. The warm flame of her parlor’s hearth made the gooey creature dance with friendly light. It was an odd air of innocence to cast over such a creature.
Discord popped a few of the bubbles that came from his pipe. Celestia heard him snicker at something from behind her. Perhaps it was a new idea for mischief. She simply focused on keeping the scraps of copper and semi-precious stones from spilling over the edge of a pet bowl.
Celestia bit the inside of her cheek. She had been the one to purchase the supplies to care for Mister Smooze whenever Discord brought it to Canterlot.
It. Him. Them.
She wasn’t even sure what was the correct way to refer to a combination creature like smooze.
How could she have ever thought pet supplies were appropriate?
Something tickled from behind her ear and Celestia turned around quickly. She blinked in astonishment at the sight of a golden bit held too close to her face and Discord’s big grin.
“Yoo-hoo, Celly! Look how shiny this one is!” His grin widened when Celestia matched it with her own imitation. “There must be a fortune on your mind.”
“Mhm,” Celestia murmured, keeping her gaze away from the sloppy eating of Mister Smooze. “I suppose that is inevitable with how our errand went.”
In reply, Discord offered a childish frown and tapped his pipe to his chin thoughtfully. “What do you mean, Celly?”
“You never mentioned that we were going to fight ponies, much less a mare, and her foal.”
Discord blinked and chewed at his pipe. “Hrm.”
“Hrm?” Celestia mimicked. Knowing Discord, any kind of ‘hrm’ from him was practically a language of its own.
“Of course,” Discord replied, shrugging. “I just never thought of them that way. You were there too, and would you really say that these remnants are ponies?”
“I…” Celestia hesitated, bringing a forehoof to her chest like that could make her words settle faster. “I think that it’s very difficult to see them as anything else. There was so little in their minds, Dissy. Goodness, I don’t know if what they had left could even be called minds.”
“Erm,” Discord raised a claw, holding it up like a student hearing their teacher makes a mistake. “Doesn’t that make them no different than ponies who take a great fall and become brain-dead, Celly?”
“Well, I suppose… though, accidents like that are filled with so much less torment.”
“But would you call them and a happy, healthy little pony the same?”
Celestia closed her mouth quite primly, completely unwilling to answer. There was distant grief clear in her eyes. “Ponies are ponies.”
Discord scratched his head.
“And smooze… are they all your foals?”
“They’re what happens when any draconequus and pony copulate.” Discord gave a wavy shrug and his pipe vanished in a snap of magic. “You’re more than lucky that Alicorns aren’t ponies.” He stage-coughed into his paw. “Just saying.”
Celestia was well-aware that there was no other draconequui left in the world that could be spoken of, and that when Discord spoke of himself, he was speaking for the remainder of his species too.
Her feathers ruffled with worry, and the sight of a crackling fire did nothing to put her solemn demeanor to rest. “Dissy, how much more smooze is out there?”
“Ahem,” Discord adjusted a bowtie he had conjured and straightened the thick, nerdy pair of glasses accompanying them. “I do believe the correct question would be: could there be any more smooze?”
“Mhm, so it would seem to be the right thing to ask.” Celestia took her seat on a small stool. It was relaxingly soft and as opulent as her other furnishings — but most importantly, it was away from Mister Smooze.
“And…” Discord snapped everything away, eyes bright with his usual teasing. There was no doubt that this was all meant to cheer her up. “...the answer is: I have no idea! Before being stoned there were quite a few pretty pink-maned things that caught my eye after we last saw one another.”
Princess Celestia inhaled very calmly and went three shades paler; there was no other fitting reaction. “I beg your pardon?”
The expression on Discord’s muzzle was like a foal who had run out of ways to insist that a shattered vase was not their fault. “Erm. How do I explain it? Your mane used to be pink and—”
“Not that, Dissy. How could you not know how many foals you have? Is this what is to happen when any young one has draconequus heritage? What of draconequus mothers and pony fathers? I know you are not cruel to leave a mare to die, but what else can be made of so many other mares you’ve been with left to this as their destiny?”
“Firstly, I don’t think my kind were called foals, though we all grew into fools! For your second and third questions, yes-but-not-quite. I never heard of any union between ponies and the noble draconequus begetting anything more than bastard juice like smooze. My kind were all careful about those particular cautionary tales and they learned that regardless of gender, every creature involved would be doomed in some fashion. Not exactly fun stuff, you know. Overall, ponies are just the worst kind of mortal to play with. They’re very basic, require too much attention, don’t live very long, flaky snacks don’t work as bribes into doing flips, and there’s the whole smooze problem. Now, get a small enough dragoness and there’s a compatible species…”
“Dissy,” said Celestia, voice clipped, “that isn’t what I asked.”
“Oh, but I didn’t even get to the matter of my favorite Alicorn mare yet!” Discord winked in her direction. “She’s a lovable, squishy marshmallow of a mare. Perhaps you’ve heard of her?”
Clicking her tongue, Celestia settled down once again, re-folding her wings and trying to indulge Discord in his effort to soothe her worrying. “Perhaps. You still have left the matter of so many mares and their fates unknown to me. For good reason, I presume?”
“Suspense?” Discord offered weakly, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Well, not really. The answer is actually a dreadfully boring one. When I was a much younger, naive cad I never stayed anywhere long; I simply couldn’t bear to do anything so dull. When I got bored, I left. Oh, and it turns out that for ponies certain ‘biological processes’,” Discord wasted no time being subtle with his air quotes, “are a teensy-tiny bit different from draconequui. How was I supposed to know everything under your sun about pony pregnancy? I’d never seen a pregnant pony before! I thought they were all just fat and mean!”
“Oh,” Princess Celestia murmured. She folded her forehooves in front of her and gave a sigh of relief, closing her eyes momentarily. Her mane swirled faintly with the motion but still retained a muted air compared to its usual energy. “I suppose we can at least be thankful nothing more nefarious fueled such decisions.”
She bowed her head and only shifted when Discord tossed her the first in a long line of colored hoofkerchiefs his magic made.
…
Dusk was always a time of impatience for Princess Celestia. In terms of function, it could easily be called the most useless part of the day. Sometimes she pondered if it could be seen as anything more than a heavenly reminder for ponies to hurry off to their homes and finish their evening meals. The evening always held its breath for something Celestia could not spell out. It only created unneeded tension.
The sight of Mister Smooze just worsened the feeling of distant anxiety. The green, gooey creature had been stalking her around her chambers. Discord had gone away some time ago to stir harmless trouble in the castle while Celestia wished to maintain a sensible bedtime — especially when she had yet to put the island errand with the smooze behind her.
Would seeing the fragments of memory left in Lady Smooze — if there were any — have made things worse?
The squishy sounds of the smooze following her across the balcony weren’t an adequate reply. She frowned, recalling how she had found the little creature to be cute and silly at the Grand Galloping Gala. Discord referring to Mister Smooze as his own and how the creature followed its father about in a stupor of joy no longer were innocent gestures.
As Celestia ended the day, Mister Smooze ambled along, halting abruptly in her shadow. The last rays of sunlight gave the slimy body of Mister Smooze an unsettling luminescence.
Mister Smooze gave her the same passive smile he showed Discord.
Mister Smooze gave her the same smile he showed everypony.
Celestia stood there on her balcony, barely able to look at the creature. Here was the union of mother and child, bound together against the desire of the only of the two allowed to live from the two smoozes that she had met. Together, they had lasted for centuries sealed with a bond that only one state could break. Though Mister Smooze smiled up at her, was he still suffering even in his compact form? Had she and Discord truly done good in any way that was complete?
One smooze was still here, unable to do more than eat, follow at others’ heels, and delight in what little it could experience as an eyeless blob of slime. How could it tell anypony if it was still hurting?
Something sprung to mind, a single word dark and creeping. It was no thought free from darkness, but Celestia was not surprised by it. Right now it was chillingly relevant to the dilemma of the remaining smooze, and the struggle it brought to Celestia's thoughts was a necessary one, no matter the means or implications that they conjured up. There was a single word that every Element of Kindness, past or present, always had to gain familiarity with.
Euthanasia.
Author's Note
[Revised for print on 1/30/2023-2/19/2023]
Copied over from the author's notes on the original:
Chapter One:
Whelp. Here things go. I'm not sure if it is what anyone counted on seeing in this contest, but hopefully it doesn't overstep any of the rules in any way. I did go through the trouble of asking to clear things up and ensure any ideas I had still fit the rules and prompt.
I seem to be writing some very out-there things lately, though maybe that is just in terms of rating. Anyway, I hope y'all like this. At least a little. It's weird, but what Ice Star story isn't weird? I feel that is a requirement of anything written by me.
There are two other parts to this story, and then it will be complete. I have a fickle relationship with word counts, but I'll try.
5/2/20: (Edit) The alternate universe tag is to comply with the contest rules. Now that the contest is over, it is no longer needed.
Chapter Two:
There's one more chapter to go! Though, admittedly, I'm not sure how well this story fares prompt-wise compared to some of the other entries. The initial blog listed the prompt as being "Beyond Equestria's Borders" and encouraged it to be used as the writer wished. Provided, of course, that a canon, non-pony species was explored in the story. And the species had to be from Friendship is Magic.
...This is the information that helped this story form, even when later blogs listed the prompt as "Friendship Beyond Equestria" (something this story doesn't fit). Even when that part was corrected in the comments, there was still some tweaks in the information, or at least it came across that way. Namely, the species now was described to need/implied to need a culture. In the general sense, I'm not sure what I had planned fits that particular bill. Oops! 
(Since the previous edition of the contest having "obscure shipping" as the prompt was personally easier to work with. Poking around the site after coming up with some ideas for pairings gave a pretty good idea if they were "obscure" in novelty or handling, but 'culture' seems to have a bit of wiggle room.)
Either way, a species explored and world-building was what I had to write, and I hope my entry can still count, despite some possible conflict with the prompt. But maybe I'm just over-thinking this too?
Chapter Three:
dissy and zeus aren't that different here is what i'm saying
[Revised on 11/12/2020]
