Rainbow Dash Hacks the Internet
Rainbow Dash leaned over the odd piece of extradimensional technology, slowly poking at its keys with her hooves.
"Rainbow!" Twilight said, "How did you even get that?"
Rainbow grinned cockily. "I heard illegal computer hacking is super cool. So I knew what I had to do next." Rainbow leaned back in her chair, and folded her forelimbs behind her head.
"Do you even know what a computer is?"
"Twilight, I am so cool that if something is cool enough, I'm good at it. Plus this computer comes with EweToob videos." Rainbow poked at the keys some more, and a website appeared. "Watch me break some interstate laws. I'm pretty sure I don't have permission to access this server from Equestria."
Twilight shook her head. "Whatever you say, Dash."
Rainbow poked at something, and a document appeared on the screen. "See, I'm computer hacking down some data about how to illegally use this website."
Rainbow started reading. "How To Comment Real Good On the Internet: A Guide for Hackers..."
***
For the last half hour, Twilight had been rapidly alternating between reading a book about regional dialects of Old Ponish, and reading over Rainbow Dash's shoulder, as Rainbow slowly paged through the document.
"There!" Rainbow said. "I illegally downloaded the whole thing! Through my eyes right into my brain. I'm practically a cyborg now."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "I'm not even sure whether you're technically wrong or not. But I have to admit you do seem to be using a computer, which is more than I expected."
"What did I say?" Rainbow Dash bragged. "Cool equals can, if your name is Rainbow Dash."
Suddenly the document vanished, to be replaced by a short message: "This story was removed for violating the following rules: (1) not a story. (2) encourages inappropriate computer use."
"Wow!" Rainbow Dash said, "I was hacking data so illegal they just removed it from the server for being a violation! I am SO cyberpunk!"
Twilight had to silently admit, her entire experience using computers was pretty brief, just parts of a few days. So she wasn't sure if she should go with her first thought, that Rainbow Dash's utterances were just random jargon thrown together in ridiculous ways. Or might the one pony who Twilight had ever seen using a computer in Equestria have some idea what she was talking about?
Usually, Twilight's next step would have been to check some books for clues. But because Twilight and Rainbow were in Equestria, there were no books about computers. Even the one closest thing to a computer, a primitive steampunk library catalog, was dozens of miles away in Canterlot.
Instead, Twilight watched Rainbow manipulate the alien technology. Rainbow checked her browser history and cache, copied the deleted document from those sources, and started copying and pasting individual scraps of text into a comment box.
"Look," Rainbow said, "I just hacked a deleted data back from the dead."
"I guess you did. I'm still not sure if the stuff you're saying really means what it's supposed to, or means anything really, but you sure did it. But what are you doing now?"
"I thought I'd say this story about hyuu-mans being turned into ponies needs more necrophilia. Because, you know, that's what hackers do."
"What's that? Hackers do annoying comments on the Internet, or they do necrophilia? Wait a minute! I think I just missed something important."
Twilight squinted at the computer screen. "That website has stories about hyuu-mans being turned into ponies?"
"Sure it does! You can find data about pretty much anything, in the Webnets. That's, like, Hacker Rule Number 34."
Twilight peered at the screen. "I guess you can. When I was visiting Canterlot High, I used the Internet to learn a lot about that world. But even I never...what did you say, hacked a data back from the dead. I didn't tell anypony they needed more necrophilia either. But of course, I was busy, and I didn't want to become a criminal for no reason."
Suddenly, a flurry of pop-up windows started appearing on the computer screen. Rainbow said, "They're telling me I can get a bigger...why would I even want one of those? Yuck! They want me to chat with a...oh, that looks so ridiculous! Oh no, that's gross. Now it says my computer is infected and I need to download their software!" Panicking, Rainbow pulled the computer's plug out of a freestanding, magical electric outlet. The screen went dark.
Rainbow lay down on the floor, panting. "That was scary. Someone counter-hacked me. That's never happened to me before. It was somepony really gross, too."
Rainbow wailed, "I thought I was best at hacking, but now all my confidence is gone! Maybe my whole ego was built on a tissue of lies! What if it turns out I can't fly, either?"
"Rainbow, you've been a hacker for how long?"
"Oh...counting today, about two days."
"That other hacker probably lived in a world with computers for their entire life. And you only have two days of experience as a hack. Considering that, do you have any idea how well you were doing?"
Rainbow blushed. "I guess I am pretty awesome."
"Awesome? You're probably the best hacker in Equestria."
"Probably?"
"I do know some things about computers myself. So you're either number one or number two."
"But Twilight, I didn't tell you the scariest part."
"What part was that?"
"You know I was accessing the Webbernets from Equestria, right?"
"Well, obviously."
"Obvious to YOU. But every other creature on the Internet is a hyuu-man. They shouldn't even know Equestria is real. And they shouldn't be able to trace my hacking to Equestria."
"Are you telling me some hyuu-man KNEW you were in Equestria?"
Rainbow Dash said, "Remember when I was being counter-hacked? The last message before I unplugged the computer, the one that said I needed to download their software? I didn't tell you the last part."
"What last part?"
"It said, to get their software to uninfect my computer, I would have to pay them two thousand bitcoins. HOW DID THEY KNOW MY MONEY IS BITS? HOW DID THEY KNOW?"
Twilight thought for a minute. "Isn't bit a word about computers, in the hyuu-man world? It means a one or a zero?"
"Um...maybe? I'm so advanced, I skipped right over that kindergarten level stuff. I jumped straight to the big things like gigglebytes and terrorbites."
Twilight laughed. "I'm sure it's just a coincidence."
***
In the farmhouse at Apple Acres, Winona squatted in front of a netbook. "Ruff! Rarf ruff arf bark!" she said.
Applejack turned to look at her dog. "What's that, Winona? You almost paid off the mortgage on our farm? But it didn't quite work?"
"Arf arf rarf!"
"Well, I guess it's okay. Just you don't do anything dishonest. If I catch you doing anything that isn't honest, like if you get into another multi level marketing scheme, I'll have to send you to the doghouse."
"No problem," thought the energetic collie. "In cyberspace, I can run circles around anypony. In Equestria, everypony knows I'm a dog...but nopony knows I'm a hacker."
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Like much of creativity, this story is based on fermentation of lots of little facts and ideas from everywhere. Not least are the behaviour of a few of the computer professionals I've known, and of course the classic New York Times cartoon.
I included a draft of the essay about how to comment real good, but then I deleted it. There are some things ponykind was not meant to know.
I made the story image from FiM and EqG show art/caps.
