The Beatings Will Continue
The universe is a chaotic thing on a scale grander than most realize. Mysteries are hidden in places and times far and small; From the furthest extents of outwardly traveling matter and energy, and down to the most minuscule observable subatomic event. Living, thinking beings struggle daily constantly juggling ideas about the physical and the conceptual. For example: Can emotions be observed on a chart? The most active portions of a happy, sad, or angry brain may be detected through scans, but is the nature of emotion itself truly understood? The struggle between understanding the physical world, metaphysical concepts, and the ways the two overlap has kept many philosophers, psychologists, theologians, artists, and Average Joes up at night with difficult questions. Questions like "Do souls exist?", "Is there a God?", and "What about an afterlife?"
First answer, yes. Second answer, probably. Third, it's complicated.
Sometimes the metaphorical Wheel of Fate spin in the wrong direction and someone dies in a place, time, and/or in a manner that doesn't line up well with how the universe is, never was, and how it will be. Sometimes young people just stumble into the speeding T̴̤̜͊r̴͇̩̩̾͝͝͝u̶̻͇̺͌̄c̴̭̗̠̈́͛̉̀k̴͈̯͉͍͆̕ͅ before their time on Earth is up. This makes where they need to go next a minor issue due to the entropy of concepts in general - it's a messy business and explaining it exactly would blow someone's mind. Literally. Pop, splatter, and then we're back to square one.
In these cases, something one might call "magical" happens.
This was the case of a young man named Gary. This poor sap, at only 28 years old, was tragically struck and killed by T̴̤̜͊r̴͇̩̩̾͝͝͝u̶̻͇̺͌̄c̴̭̗̠̈́͛̉̀k̴͈̯͉͍͆̕ͅ while trying to save an expecting mother, her toddler, their dog, their cat, and their goldfish who were going over a major crosswalk at the wrong time. This sort of thing happens unbelievably often. T̴̤̜͊r̴͇̩̩̾͝͝͝u̶̻͇̺͌̄c̴̭̗̠̈́͛̉̀k̴͈̯͉͍͆̕ͅ is a menace, especially given how the family was going to miraculously survive their encounter. Gary, however, fell for Its trap and got splattered on the asphalt. He wasn't the first, nor will he be the last. T̴̤̜͊r̴͇̩̩̾͝͝͝u̶̻͇̺͌̄c̴̭̗̠̈́͛̉̀k̴͈̯͉͍͆̕ͅ is a menace.
As he shuffled off the mortal coil, Gary was found by a kindly spirit. Some would call her a goddess or something like that, but the point is she was there to give this poor guy whose life had been cut short and was fluttering around like a shopping bag in the winds of conceptual entropy a bit of compensation. He was offered a chance to live in a world of his choosing, with a form and even powers he had never had before. The world would be open for him, with all the choices he could have for living a fulfilling afterlife. Or lives, as she kindly informed him death is a mere inconvenience after it happens once - she could return him again and again.
The deal was far too sweet for Gary. A life he could have anywhere, and he would basically be impossible to keep down? His mind started spinning with the possibilities; How many adventures he could go on, how many things he could do, and how many people would finally treat him with the respect he never got in life. What was more enticing was how it could be anywhere he wanted, any world! The guys on FiMFiction and /mlp/ were right! There WAS a portal to Equestria after you died!
Yeah, he was a Brony, something that he insisted did not make him gay even though no one was thinking that in the year 2020. One may say this is strangely specific, or that it showed he never left 2012 mentally. Such thoughts are small-minded and perhaps offensive stereotyping.
Besides, it was both.
He told the spirit he would like a ticket to the magical world of Equestria with its Ponies and Griffins and Friendship and Magic. She smiled and nodded, probably while sighing in preparation for what would follow. He next gave her the list - the list - of powers he wanted.
To call the list lengthy would be an understatement, and to call it original would be entirely false. Gary, in life, was a big fan of the internet video series Hellsing Abridged (naturally not bothering to watch the source material, who does that anyway) and the most underrated anime of all time, Sword Art Online. He wanted the powers of a vampire but the appearance of Kirito. The latter was an improvement. Besides those major two changes, there were others. Many others. Dual swords, laser eyes, some stupid ability to hone his reaction time by changing the color of his eyes, the list went on. She had to put her foot down when it came to the ability to stop or speed up time due to such abilities having an uncanny ability to fuck with the Wheel of Fate more than usual. After a little pouting, he finally realized that at least eight of the abilities in his repertoire made the lack of control over time moot anyway, so he accepted that limit (while making plans to "borrow" certain documents from the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the Canterlot Archives).
The spirit waved her hand around lazily and in moments Gary could feel his gut shrink, the hair on his neck vanish, and his muscles beginning to exist. No longer was he the 28 year old basement dweller, but a youthful, strong vampire that could withstand sunlight and manipulate minds. Oh, and the fucking swords and stupid eyes. All of this would be useless. The spirit knew this, but granted it anyway because such is her duty. She knew what the outcome would be.
With a rush of wind, Gary Saul Timothy Uchmanowicz fell to Equestria over, naturally, the Everfree Forest. Such a strange place smack in the middle of the country for many reasons, and this was only one of them. With his great power he floated gracefully downward, landing silently. It was nighttime there, with moonlight filtering through the boughs like a spotlight on him - Equestria's future Prince. No doubt there was a prophecy about a strange being emerging from the Everfree, arriving in Ponyville and causing some panic only to prove his strength. Everything would work out in his favor. A party would be thrown by Pinkie Pie, and even the Princesses would arrive to welcome him. Perhaps much more. He already knew one way or another than Princess Luna would fall hopelessly in love with him. It was only natural - even the bright moon shining down on him agreed.
Licking his lips, he took his first step and prepared to dash through the forest, maybe slaying whole families of monsters along the way to test the limits of his abilities. Certainly no one would object to him slaying three or four or twenty manticores. If he couldn't find any monsters, he could visit the Diamond Dogs! And if not them... well, maybe the Changelings! He did tell the spirit to put him sometime in the middle of the first season. Besides, he hated the redeemed Changelings with a burning passion. This was his chance to nip them in the bud!
As he made plans for his bright future and how he would shape Equestria to how it should have been in the show, a figure blocked his path. He skidded to a halt as he processed it. Standing on two legs, with two arms, but not animal-like at all? Another Human? Another Human? In his world? Competing with him, a god? His chest welled with fury, and his eyes burned like hot coals, directing his murderous intent on the trespasser. He would have his first servant, or swat this fly and move on.
"I am Mordred, Prince of Equestria!" he growled, forcing his will into the man's mind. "How dare you enter my sight?! You are nothing to me! I can crush you like a bug! I'm not without mercy though... surrender yourself and become my servant... Kneel before your master, or die where you stand!"
The man remained standing, slumping his shoulders and sighing.
"Your name is Gary," he droned, shaking his head. "And you're, like, the eighth guy who's tried to pull this shit. Could you stop for a second and--"
Lord Mordred was not going to listen to this peasant any further. He drew his swords and gave a battle cry, charging forward and slashing. With his super speed, he would sever the upstart's head in less than a second...
...but after two seconds he realized that he hadn't succeeded. In fact, he was slow - at a normal running pace, not a super one. His slash went through air, and the man was still twenty feet away. Stumbling over his feet, he opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, eyes darting between his legs, his sword, and the peasant before him.
There was a loud bang, and the feeling that he had been kicked in the chest. He fell to his knees and clutched his hands over his heart, feeling something sticky and wet soak his fingers. Shaking and gasping, he looked up at the man and found himself staring down the barrel of a handgun.
"A gun?" He stammered. "A fucking gun? You... got me with... a fucking gun?!"
"Always could," the man said, pointing it between Gary's eyes. "Always will until you listen, ya sonuvabitch."
Another gunshot echoed through the forest. "Lord Prince Mordred's" corpse crumpled into a heap. He would be back. They all came back. It was only a matter of how long it would take for them to learn not to abuse their gift. The man with the gun stowed it away and departed without a look back, off to deal with Gary whenever he showed his face again after yelling at the poor spirit because his powers stopped working.
I should know because that guy's me: Camper. I'm a lot like Gary, really. I had a bad experience with T̴̤̜͊r̴͇̩̩̾͝͝͝u̶̻͇̺͌̄c̴̭̗̠̈́͛̉̀k̴͈̯͉͍͆̕ͅ and everything. The difference is once I had my meeting with the spirit I had a bit of a realization that someone would no doubt be playing out their fantasies to ridiculous extremes, ravaging Equestria far worse than any single villain (or even villain group) native to the world. I even found out that it had happened countless times already. An unknowable number of Equestrias reduced to wastelands because of a manchild's desire to have a sandbox instead of a garden. Made me depressed.
And so, I gave the spirit my list of powers, which boil down to a few simple abilities. First, I would always know when someone new would show up and could send myself to their vicinity in the blink of an eye. Second, I would know their names and their own "lists" (thankfully not TOO embarrassing usually... "Tony Redgrave's" were a fuckin' riot though). Third, I can switch off the powers of one of these guys if they come within twenty feet of me and they won't have a clue. Finally, my last request was an unorthodox choice of weapon.
A gun.
Nothing fancy but it worked every time. My pockets never ran out of extra ammo, and I only really needed two shots. There was the off-chance one of these guys could kill me first, but it hadn't happened at this point. That could change, and I would just come back with whatever else I needed to resume the beatings, all until the wannabe Lords, Princes, Kings, and so on got the hint. Including the horny ones. Especially the horny ones.
As I traveled through a clearing on my way to home, I passed the shadow of a boulder, which gradually grew upward until the form of a pony emerged. A slender one with a horn and wings and the symbol of a crescent moon on her flank.
"Camper," Luna greeted.
"Your highness." I bowed slightly. "Lovely night again."
"Thou sayest so every time, and I thank thee. Pray tell, wherefore dost thou travel the Everfree this night?"
"Work. You?"
"Meditation... and speech practice in solitude."
"Prithee learneth thine modern phrases and useth them...eth."
She frowned, and told me how funny I was with how much she laughed, or rather didn't. Not one chuckle. I shrugged and carried on.
"Good luck," I said, waving over my shoulder. I stopped short of the treeline as I remembered something. "Oh, this one was another 'fan' of yours."
Her brow furrowed. "That's the eighth one, is it not?"
I nodded. "Eight for eight."
She closed her eyes and sighed. "It feels that we should be flattered... yet we are not."
"Oh, you shouldn't be. Trust me. Goodnight." And I left, off to home again, leaving the Princess to her meditation and speech lessons. I was glad the other seven got the hint about her and Ponies in general, and learned (or relearned) that lesson about not being horny creeps. Soon I would see how long it would take Gary to learn.
And how many bullets I would spend teaching him.
Author's Note
Oh god please don't take me too seriously with this. This was inspired partially by how many people react to certain all-powerful characters in fanfics having their monologues about how powerful they are to that scene of Avatar vs. Black Wolf in Wizards. The "Magic Trick" part.
I might continue this or maybe not. This basically encapsulates all I have to say, but if people like it I suppose I'll add more vignettes of Camper versus Gary if I think of anything else in the genre to poke fun at, but as far as I'm concerned at this time it's complete.
Yes, I'm aware Camper's kinda in the Stu hole himself. When you stare into the abyss...
Oh, yeah, and feel free to offer grammar and spelling corrections. I don't mind.
Also if I do continue this I will NOT be talking about other authors I'm just after the stupid tropes and themes I'm seeing.
In Which The Author Considers Hopping On A Bandwagon With No Promises Given
Four years. Close to 1500 days. And however many hours that is. And however many minutes THAT is. And however many--
I made an absolutely charming face as I felt my soul shrivel into my organs. Counting time in weird ways does that to a motherfucker. Right now, I needed to focus. I was floating in a delightful little pond I had picked out simply to enjoy my day. It's the little things that made the waiting worthwhile. Speaking of which, the sound of branches cracking underfoot told me it was that time of day!
It wasn't necessary for me to look up to know Gary - I'm sorry, "Mordred, Prince of Bluh buh bebe" - was panting and groaning in my direction again.
"Mother FUCKER!" he bellowed. "Eat THIS you FU-"
But we know how this ends, no need to rehash it in detail. Gun, lift, shoot, dead, see you tomorrow Gary.
He was slowing down finally. Maybe he was growing up at last? Maybe we was just getting depressed. It was kinda sad to be honest. The guy clearly wanted to live in a world where he made some sort of impact and had people looking up to him, but he just didn't get it. I hoped he would someday. If he wanted to be a badass, well, no shortage of monsters in the darkest depths of the Everfree - and even in other places! Maybe!
It occurred to me that in all my time in Equestria... well, that I had spent all my time IN Equestria. There was a whole world out there, and I had assigned myself to putting bullet in isekai'd man children with insane powers with my own insane childish powers. The irony of this kills me daily. Almost literally!
I cringe again, remembering the incident where Gary caught me howling and screaming, holding the gun to my head and desperately pulling the trigger only for nothing to come out because something something magic. All this because I spontenously realized one that that he was just like me! For real!
For real!
Gary was actually concerned for once! And I squandered the moment when I panicked and shot him.
Maybe he kept doing this because he had a grudge now? Ah, fuck, that might have been it. I made a mental note to talk to him next time.
The moment I did however, I heard something strange.
"Bzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
I leaned up, my butt hitting the bottom of the pond, sitting up in the water. That noise was...
"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
A phone on vibrate? Coming from my jacket on the shore? Honestly, I didn't even remember having one of those - where the fuck would I use it? Where would I charge it? Who would I call? Who would call me? Someone was, apparently.
"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
I scrambled, splashing through the water to my jacket and fishing the device from my pocket. Turning it on, I saw I had one new text message. I flicked it open and read it. It was simple enough. Some troubling notes.
Teleported to Equestria... chaos magic... different dimensions... way too many branches...
And a pair of names, spelled out like I knew them. I spent a few minutes staring at this report. Gary came back in that time - faster than usual.
"God DAMN it you--" he stopped, tilted his head and forewent the usual formalities between us. "That a fucking phone? You got service here?"
"No," I answered dimly, forgoing the process as well. "But I got a message."
"Oh..."
I nodded. He stood there. I was in boxers only during this, so it must have been awkward for him. It didn't occur to me that he had finally been tamed by the absurdity of this. I didn't care. I had a question on my mind.
"What the fuck kind of Harry Potter ass name is Gregory Greystone?"
And boy, was this probably the beginning of a truly stupid idea. Because it certainly wasn't yet another goddamn ending.
Author's Note
I like Endingverse stories, they're all over the damn place.
I actually peeked in here on a whim and saw I had a blank chapter ready just in case I felt like typing something.
Go read "I AM NEVER ENDING! GET IT CUZ THE ENDING VER-" because it's stupid but it's the stupid we love kind of stupid. Rinsed my single brain cell and got me to write a little bit.
Maybe I'll write about Camper being locked in a room with Jason Wright in four more years.
Stay hydrated.
