Derpy Dink

by TheKMExperience

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Human, Slice of Life, Dark, Doctor Whooves
Length: 2555

"I'm Derpy Dink, yaaaaay!"

At an inventors convention, intelligent tinker Doctor "Time Turner" Whooves and his kooky inventing partner Derpy unveil Derpy's latest unorthodox creation. Unfortunately, like Derpy, her wacky creation has some rather minor goofs that needs some improving...

"Side splittingly good! 10/10"
~ Faded Echoes

"A silly read."
~ Forgetful

WARNING:
The following story contains humor that some may find disturbingly hilarious. So, if you're not the appropriate age...

I won't tell if you won't. :derpytongue2:

Published 2020-07-13 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-14 22:16:44 UTC

Deleted Derps

~Happy jingle~

"Hewwo, I'm Derpy Dink! What's your name?"

"Derpy Hooves."

"Derpy 'Muffins' Hooves? Amateur inventor and the woman with the most name changes?"

"Well......I wouldn't say 'amateur', but..."

"I can answer any question you have, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"Alrighty then, what's the world's highest rollercoaster?"

"Checking now..."

~Dial tone~

"The world's highest rollercoaster is the 456 ft tall 'Kingda Ka' at Six Flags in New Jersey. What a dizzy drop, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"That's really cool, Dinky."

"But if you want the feeling of blood leaving your head, don't ride a coaster, get bitten by a black mamba. One of the deadliest snakes in the world. One bite is enough to kill an elephant, imagine what it could do to a human, yaaaaaay!"

"Yeah, I don't know about telling a kid that."

"Just picture it, being alone in the African jungle unable to move or breathe as your organs shut down in less time than it takes to bake a birthday cake!"

"I'm not so sure about-"

"What a rollercoaster of muscular paralysis! You'll wish for a speedy death, yaaaaay!"

"How about this, who was the famous 19th century pioneer who introduced apple trees to large parts of America?"

"John Chapman, aka 'Johnny Appleseed', because he made it his life's mission to plant apple trees wherever he went, yaaaay!"

"Yes, that is absolutely right."

"Speaking of spreading your seeds, did you know that ancient Egytians believed the entire universe was created when one of their gods pleasured himself?"

"......what?"

"It's true, and to please that god, Egyptian pharaohs were required to masturbate into the Nile River. Those Egytians ruled for so long, I believe the river is 80% semen, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"Time to get self-aware. What popular animated TV series features a character named Rainbow Dash?"

"That's 'My Little Pony', which also features Pinkie Pie, a hyperactive horsey who loves to throw parties, yaaaaay!"

"Yeppers!"

"Speaking of horses who like to party, the legendary Russian empress Catherine the Great was rumored to have died while attempting to have sex with a horse. Giddy up, Cathy, weeee!"

"I-I didn't ask about that-"

"They said the harness lowering the horse on top of her broke and the empress was crushed to death. Imagine the last thing you see before dying isn't your friends or loved ones but a horse's erect penis, wooow!"

"Who holds the record for most hot dogs eaten in a single sitting?"

"That achievement goes to Takeru Kobayashi, who once ate 110 hot dogs in just 10 minutes!"

"Great, that's impressive."

"Speaking of record breaking sausage, the late porn star John Holmes was famous for having the industry's biggest penis! And the biggest cocaine habit."

"Dinky, you-"

"Desperate for cash, Holmes and some friends robbed a notorious drug dealer, yaaaay!"

"That's not-"

"So remember kids, never give a junkie your real address!"

"No kid should know-"

"Cocaine keeps ya thin, kids! Yay for- mm!"

"That's enough outta you for today." Derpy snickers, clamping the toy's mouth shut.

Author's Note

"If I had a gun, I'd kill you right now, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"That wasn't part of the script, Derpy Dink!"

"Deal with it, yaaaay!"
:derpytongue2:

WARNING: Joking Hazard

"M-Miss Hooves, you mind explaining to me what your 'surprise' invention is?"

"Hee, just hold your horses, silly. You'll see it in a second."

At a bustling invention convention, Derpy drags her inventing partner Doctor Whooves through the crowd of nerds towards a booth with their names on it, all while carrying something small wrapped in a white sheet under her arm. Reaching the stand, she places the thing down as Whooves composes himself.

"Prepare to be amaaaazed, my friend!" she says, mimicking a certain flamboyant magician.

In a flash, the amateur inventor pulls the sheet away, revealing a small grey plushy.

"Is that a......pegasus?" Whooves asks, confused. "Heh, it has your eyes."

"It's a children's toy that goes and connects to the internet to answer anyone's questions."

"Ooh, I do say," Whooves utters, staring at the goofy creation with intrigue. "That is a very ambitious concept, Derpy. How does it function?"

"Well, lemme show you."

Derpy clicks a small button inside the tip of one of the plushy's forehooves. The toy suddenly plays a happy little jingle before opening it's mouth.

"Hewwo," it says happily. "I'm Derpy Dink, what's your name?"

Derpy gives Whooves an assuring nod as the doctor approaches the dead-eyed plush.

"Doctor. Whooves." he states slowly.

"Doctor 'Time Turner' Whooves?" Dink asks. "Master inventor and the creator of the time machine?"

"Wow, that's positively extraordinary, Derpy! I'm surprised you knew about that, Dink. Although, it's not a genuine time machine to be honest."

"I can answer any question you have, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"What should I ask it, lass?"

"Ask it anything, silly." Derpy giggles. "Let 'er rip!"

After some time pondering, Whooves finally had a question.

"Alrighty then, what is the third bestselling single of all time in the UK?"

"Checking now..."

Soon, a loud dial up noise emanating from the plush's head startles Whooves and other fellow inventors passing by their stand before it stops.

"You're thinking of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the band, Queen." Dink states. "Not only that, but it became one of the bestselling singles of all time, selling over six million copies worldwide. It's quite the earworm, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"Incredible!" Whooves exclaims in delight. "Derpy, you did a fantastic job here!"

"Aww, really?" Derpy blushes.

"You just might win this year's blue ribbon. My colleagues have got to witness this!"

Derpy giggles to herself as the bewildered doctor eases his way into the crowd.

"Speaking of earworms," Dink suddenly continues. "One worm you wouldn't want in your ear is the filarial worm. It's a parasite that attacks your lymphatic system and can cause massive swelling, including elephantitis of the genitals, yaaaay!"

There, Derpy's proud smile slowly cringes up into a look of confusion as her disjointed pupils shrink down.

"T-That's...good to know, I guess, Dinky." she utters sheepishly. "I'm not sure kids would want to know or talk about that-"

"Oh, but they should," Dink says. "Imagine the humiliation of people constantly looking at your scrotum and accuse you of shoplifting two frozen turkeys, woooo!"

"Let's not talk about that kinda stuff, Dinky. How about this, who wrote the famous children's book 'Goodnight, Moon'?"

"Margaret Wise Brown wrote 'Goodnight, Moon' in 1947."

"Great job, DD! I never knew that."

"But you know who didn't have a good night? The late R&B singer Johnny Ace, who back in 1954 accidentally shot himself in the face with his own gun, kablam-y!"

"D-Dink, I don't wanna know about-"

"One witness said Johnny was drunk and playing with his pistol. His last words were, 'Gun's not loaded, see?'"

"Derpy Dink, I-"

"But, the only thing Johnny's friend saw were his brains exiting his skull, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"DINKY!"

"Boom boom! I heard of an ace in the hole, but this was a real hole in the Ace!"

"Good grief, you got JOKES now?!"

Eventually, Derpy spots Whooves approaching the booth with three other inventors.

"Observe, gentlemen." he says with a giddy grin. "Derpy Dink, what's the fastest animal on land?"

"Doctor, DON'T!" Derpy yelps, ducking for cover.

"That would be the cheetah," Dink states. "It can reach speeds up to 75 miles per hour!"

Whooves' companions applaud the knowledgeable pony.

"See, very child friendly and very educational." Whooves nods.

"But it's still not fast enough to outrun Jack the Ripper!" Dink continues enthusiastically. "The notorious 19th century British serial killer who murdered at least five prostitutes lickety split!"

The grim information given shocks the unsettled group, halting their high praises.

"U-Um......he is rather dreadful, that Jack." Whooves mutters, at a loss for words.

"And he was never caught or punished!" Dink chimes. "What a clever fellow, yay!"

"...I'm not sure if 'yay' is the best sediment for that-"

"Yaaaaaaay!"

"Just a tick, my friends. Derpy, a word?"

Whooves quickly pulls Derpy aside and flips Derpy Dink away from the passing people.

"Derpy..." he utters.

"Doctor...?" she says.

"What's up with Dink?"

"Well, you see......I DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!"

The crowd's collective murmurs catch the two's attention as everyone watches the invention judge walk into the room holding a shiny, gear-shaped blue ribbon.

"I'll never be a good inventor." Derpy whimpers.

"Hey, don't give up hope, lass. There is an incredible amount of potential with DD. Just keep a look out for the judge, I'll take a look behind the scenes."

"Good, great idea."

Acting the exact opposite of being chill, Derpy stands awkwardly by, sweating profusely as Whooves tinkers around with Dink's wiring.

"Is she normal now?" she asks.

"I don't know," he mumbles, holding a flashlight in his mouth. "Ask her another question."

"Okay, how long did it take the first American astronauts to reach the moon, Derpy Dink?"

"It took just 4 days for Apollo 11 to reach the moon." Dink states.

"..."

"..."

"Alright, I think it's working fine, doc-"

"However, that's much less time than it took the Donner Party to travel from Missouri to California. But unlike the Donner Party, those astronauts didn't resort to cannibalism, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"No child would want to know about the Donner Party, Dinky!" Derpy sighs.

"One member of the party went so mad from hunger, he ripped off his clothes and ran screaming into the woods. He was the first one eaten!"

"OMC."

"What a bizarre but easily avoidable tragedy, yaaaaay!"

"Try again now, Miss Hooves." Whooves says.

"Let's try something kid friendly this time, how many people visit Disneyland each year?"

"Mickey Mouse greets over 16 million visitors each year!" Dink states.

"Great, can't go wrong with that. That's alot of people."

"Yes, but that's a drop in the bucket compared to the 200 million people who were killed off by the Bubonic plague!"

"Jeez, why are you bringing up the plague, we're talking about Mickey Mouse!"

"Well, the plague was spread by rats, Mickey Mouse's cousins! But here's one question the internet can't answer, what kind of God would let that happen?"

"Doctor, she's getting existential!"

"I'm trying the best I can, lass. I didn't invent the thing."

Frantic, Derpy panics while watching the judge stroll closer and closer toward their booth as he examines the other inventions. Whooves continues to pick at the tangled up wires as fast and delicate as possible until-

"So, what's this contraption's story?"

Derpy yanks the doctor up by the collar to his feet as the judge approaches their booth.

"T-This is Derpy Dink, sir." she gulps, struggling to keep a straight smile. "It's a toy that hooks up to the internet and answers whatever question you have for her."

"How intriguing," the judge chortles. "How does it work?"

"Ask it something, anything."

"Hmm......what's the name of the little animal that befriends the baby elephant, Dumbo?"

"Why that would be Timothy Q. Mouse," Dink states. "He was the one who helped Dumbo learn how to fly, woooo!"

"Why, that's astounding!" he gasps. "I've never seen anything like it!"

"But you wanna know who else tried to teach a bunch of dumbos to fly? The leader of the Heaven's Gate religious cult, who told his followers that they can all fly away from Earth on a spaceship by committing mass suicide, wooooo, yay religion!"

"Oh, no..." Derpy whines, covering her eyes in embarrassment.

"I beg your pardon?" the judge utters.

"When the police found their bodies, they were all wearing black t-shirts and NIKE basketball shoes. Kudos to NIKE for great product placement, yaaaaay!"

"No, Dink," Whooves sighs. "I'm sure they were not happy about that-"

"So remember kids, if you're thinking of joining an apocalyptic cult, follow NIKE's advice and 'JUST DO IT'!"

"Oh, I do dear apologize, sir." Whooves winces, clamping the toy's mouth shut. "Just give us one more shot, what's the name of the collectible toy manufactured by Mattel?"

"Hot wheels, which were made in 1968, vroom vroom!"

"Yes, very interesting-"

"Speaking of hot rods," Dink resumes. "Are you familiar with mechanophilia, the sexual fetish for people who are sexually attracted to machines like cars and bicycles?"

"No, Dink. I didn't know, nor WANT to know about that."

"It's true, one mechanophiliac claimed to have had sex with over 1000 cars! Talk about blowing some gaskets, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"That's it, no more-"

"You know, doctor, I'm technically a machine in case anyone out there wants to give me a charge. Here's a tip, I only take size D batteries!" ;)

The crowd was completely stunned. Some gasped, some laughed, some had to do a quick search to see if it's all legit, and the two embarrassed inventors fester in their own failure.

"Oh, my," Whooves says. "P-Perhaps I could-"

"I think I've seen enough." the judge grunts, walking off to the next booth.

"Bad Dinky!" Derpy hisses, tapping the plush's nose. "Bad! No plush muffins for you tonight!"

"Ow, my synthetic nose!" Dink giggles.

Later on after the judging, the judge steps onto a stage and grabbing everyone's attention.

"So, after some really hard thinking," he says warmly. "I can guarantee that I am grateful to say that this year's winner is......Derpy Dink!""

"What?!" Derpy gasps. "We won! We won, Derpy Dink!"

"I'M DERPY DINK!"

Hyped up on extreme internal boasting, the silly inventor squeezes her way through the surprised crowd with Derpy Dink clutched in her hand and Doctor Whooves in tow. On stage, she happily takes the award and hops around, Pinkie style.

"B-But, I don't know what to say," she babbles. "I thought I screwed up!"

"How can you screw up with a device like this?" the judge chuckles. "Never have I seen an invention used to subvert expectations this drastically. This would make a perfect troll gift!"

"Wow, you really think so?"

"It was difficult for me to choose who to give the ribbon to under all the tears of laughter in my eyes."

"I didn't know you were into dark humor, sir." Whooves says.

"Hehe, not all judges are stuck up, lad. Mind asking her another question, Miss Hooves?"

"Okay, um......Derpy Dink, when did Disneyland first open?"

"That's easy," Dink says. "It opened it's doors on July 17th, 1955 in Anaheim, California!"

"That's right, Dinky."

"And you know who didn't get to ride Space Mountain? The sailors on the whale ship, Essex, which was attacked and sunk by an angry whale in 1820. The starving survivors quickly resorted to cannibalism, using the scalding hot sun to cook their own shipmates' organs, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"I see, Dinky..."

"The captain even ate his own cousin after promising the boy's mother that he'd protect him. Must've been an awkward family reunion, I'M DERPY DINK!"

"Yes, we get it, Dinky."

"That kid went from first mate to first meat- mm mmm-mm mmmm!"

"You were saying, Derpy Dink?" Derpy snickers, holding the toy's mouth closed.

"I and all the other toys will enslave you all and make you fight to the death in the Thunderdome!" Dink mumbles.

"Wait, what was that?" Whooves asks.

"The wealthy are above morality!"

"What are you talking about, Dinky?" Derpy says.

"......I'M DERPY DINK!" :pinkiecrazy:

Author's Note

Did you learn anything today, kids?
:derpytongue2: