My Little PWNy: Rage-Quitting is Magic
*WonderboltsFTW is now online*
*Applebucker117 is now online*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon is now online*
*MagnifiqueFashionista is now online*
*Dovahshy111111 is now online*
*TwilightAuditoreDeFirenze is now online*
Luna smiled when she saw these signs appear on the screen, happy that her six friends had accepted her invitation to join her in a friendly game of Halo: Reach.
"Hello, Princess," Twilight Sparkle's voice blared from her headset.
"Hello, Twili-" Luna began to reply, before she was cut off.
"HI THERE PRINCESS!!!" Pinkie Pie screamed, nearly deafening her.
"H... Hello, Princess," said Fluttershy's voice, quiet as usual.
"Howdy, Your Highness," Applejack said.
"Greetings, Princess," Rarity said. Luna had been surprised that Rarity had owned an Xbox 360, given her distaste for "ordinary" things like gaming. As it turned out, Rarity had quite the aptitude for sniping, which Luna had learned the hard way in a one-on-one Slayer match.
"Hya, Princess!" Rainbow Dash's voice came last.
"Hello, everypony," the Princess of the Night said. "Please, call me Luna."
"Alright, whatever you say... Um..." Rainbow Dash began, before reading Luna's Gamertag, and bursting out laughing. "... OreoLover101010."
Luna facehoofed inwardly, cursing herself for her poor foresight in choosing her Gamertag.
"... Yes," she said. "Shall we begin?"
Simultaneous "Yes"'s and one "Quite" answered her. She picked up her controller.
"What game mode shall we do?" she asked. "Slayer?"
Everyone agreed. "Map?"
"Spire!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
"Actually, yeah, that sounds good. Let's do that," said Rainbow.
"S... Sure, that's fine," Fluttershy replied.
"NO, SPIKE, YOU CAN'T PLAY A ROUND!!! I mean, yeah, Spire."
Luna selected the map and started the game. After a brief loading screen, they each spawned.
"Man, these loadouts suck," Rainbow Dash said.
Luna smiled, and said, "Actually, these are my own custom loadouts."
There was a brief pause.
"Um... Well, in that case... I love these loadouts!" Dash said hastily. "Sniper Rifles and Needlers are my favorites!"
"Gimme a minute to get used to the controls," Twilight said. "It's been a while- WHAT THE HAY, RAINBOW?!"
*WonderboltsFTW snipe'd TwilightAuditoreDeFirenze*
Luna could hear Dash cracking up.
"Sorry, Twi," she said, in between breaths. "Couldn't resist."
"I'm sure," Twilight said, seething. Everyone knew she despised unfair play and trolls.
Through her own scope, Luna could clearly see the cyan Pegasus in her SPONY armor, standing atop the enormous spire on the far side of the map. She placed the crosshair on Rainbow's virtual head and squeezed the controller's right trigger.
POP.
The Pegasus dropped, falling off the tower as Dash screamed her indignity.
"Damn it! Whoever did that I'm gonna effing kill..."
*OreoLover101010 snipe'd WonderboltsFTW*
"... you," the Pegasus finished. "Sorry, Princess."
"Oh, it is no problem, as they say," Luna replied, smirking. "I've heard worse."
Luna began running around the map, looking for one of her six opponents. Suddenly, her view switched to third-person, as a sky-blue blade of an energy sword was thrust through her chest by none other than Twilight.
"Ha!!!" The purple unicorn began cackling violently, shocking Luna and the other players. "I chose an assassin's name as my Gamertag for a reason, BIOTCH!!!"
*TwilightAuditoreDeFirenze assassinated OreoLover101010*
"OHMAHGOD. I'm so sorry, Princess."
Luna was getting sick of all these formalities.
"As I hath said, it is fine," she said, exasperated.
"She's right, everyone," Fluttershy said. "It's just a game-"
An explosion cut her off.
*MagnifiqueFashionista killed Dovahshy111111*
"- WHAT THE FUCK?! I WASN'T FUCKING DONE TALKING, RARITY!!!"
Everyone stopped what they were doing, not entirely comprehending what they'd just heard come from Fluttershy's mouth. Rarity thought for a moment that she was going to have a heart attack. Several seconds passed, before Rainbow Dash engaged in another fit of laughter.
"Day-umn, Flutters!" she said. "What happened to the pony who couldn't surpass half a decibel in her cheers?! Guess you're living up to your Gamertag too, huh?"
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh, I can't believe I just said that," Fluttershy's voice came again, back to it's usual quietness. "Please don't think bad of me, it's not my fault, it-"
"Flutters," Applejack's voice said. "Ah think we've all gained some new respect for ya. 'Ah mean, Sweet Celestia, that was LOUD."
"Yes, most impressive, Fluttershy," Luna said. "Thou could make good use of the Royal Voice."
Then they all realized something strange. Pinkie Pie hadn't spoken a word.
This could only mean one thing.
"SURPRISE!!!"
Multiple orbital-strike missiles plummeted down to earth, hitting the very spot where they'd all unwittingly amassed.
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed OreoLover101010*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed Applebucker117*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed WonderboltsFTW*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed Dovahshy111111*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed TwilightAuditoreDeFirenze*
*Pinkies_Party_Cannon killed MagnifiqueFashionista*
"HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAA, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS WALKED INTO THAT!!!"
"Pinkie, what the hell did you just do?" Twilight's shocked voice said.
"You guys just walked right into my trap! You all did exactly what I thought you would! You all went exactly where I was targeting, and all I had to do was wait!"
"But Pinkie," Applejack said. "We've all been scattered around this map the whole time. How could we possibly have come together in the same spot?"
"Must've been the lag," Rarity suggested.
"Pfft, sure, blame the lag," Pinkie said. "You're all a bunch of n00bz."
"THOU DARETH CALL ME A N00B?!"
They'd finally crossed the line. Luna could take the cheap insults born from rage, but when someone mocked her playing abilities in such a way as to call her the worst of all gaming insults... It simply could not be tolerated.
"I HAVE SLAIN THOUSANDS OF PONIES! I HAVE LAUGHED WHILE BUILDINGS CRUMBLED; I HAVE BURNT PONIES ALIVE; I HAVE EJECTED FROM JETS, KILLED INCOMING JETS WITH AN RPG, THEN FELL BACK INTO THE JET I CAME FROM! PROS AND N00BS ALIKE TREMBLE BEFORE ME, FOR I AM LUNA, QUEEN OF THE GAMING CONSOLE!"
The virtual sky blackened. The sun was gone. The ground shook, as hails of missiles hurled towards the ground. Luna was everywhere, slashing this, shooting that, incinerating this... Her kill count rocketed past that of any professional gamer in history, so high that the score limit shattered when the sheer mass of points hit it. Every other player wanted it to end, wanted it to stop, but it wouldn't. The game literally couldn't end, for to cut off this many kill streaks would surely be the end of Equestria.
Her score was so high, the game's announcer had to come up with a new indicator:
"Oh, fuck no, I'm outta here."
Suddenly, a small warning sign appeared on her screen:
Tactical Nuke incoming.
Everything stopped. Luna gazed at the screen in horror.
"I... I didn't do that," she said. No one else heard her, for their headsets had all been blown off from Luna's sheer power. Every other player was currently rolled up in the fetal position...
... Except for Pinkie. She was perfectly fine. In fact, she was grinning broadly.
"Well, of course you didn't, silly!" she said. "That was me."
"No... You couldn't have. You don't have enough kills, and- and it's the wrong franchise, for Celestia's sake! There aren't any Tactical Nukes in Halo!!!"
"There are now! And I stole all your kills!"
"You can't do that! You literally can't do that- that's impossible!"
"It's a Perk!"
"You made that up!!!"
"It's been fun playing with you, Princess!"
Luna's response was cut off by a blinding flash of light as the Nuke hit. Everyone, including Luna, was instantly killed.
Pinkie had won. She'd defied the laws of gaming to do it, but... She'd won.
Everyone clapped, applauding Pinkie for her brilliant logic-cancelling abnormality; everyone except Luna. She'd never lost a game.
Never.
NOT ONCE.
In fact, she'd made it a literal law of the universe that it was impossible to beat her.
But she'd been beaten.
Which would mean...
No...
Damn it.
She only had time to register her fellow players' brief screams as the universe imploded.
