Tell My Wife I Said "Hello!"

by Silent Whisper

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 1491

Being kidnapped is the least of Twilight's concerns.

Being kidnapped is the least of Twilight's concerns.

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Thank you to The Legendary Bill Cipher, Shaslan, Wishcometrue, Flashgen, Snow Quill, Zontan, Red Parade, MasterThief, Moonshot, themoontonite, Vis-a-Viscera, Knox Locke, Equus, and Novelle Tale for prereading, editing, and being generally good people.

This story was written for the Quills and Sofa Speedwriting Group, for their Plain Jane Contest. Wanna know why so many of our stories are great? Wanna meet some truly inspiring people? Wanna write something that you have no doubts about, ever? We do, too! Come figure that out with us on our Discord.

Published 2020-07-15 10:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-15 10:10:01 UTC

Two years is an awfully long time

It’s been two years since my wife has seen me.

No, wait, that makes it sound like I’m a terrible pony, and besides, it isn’t quite true. I should start again. Forget that I said that, alright? I’m trying that one again.

It’s been two years since I’ve seen my wife.

There, that’s a little bit more accurate. Still leads to the wrong train of thinking, but we’re getting there, bit by bit.

It wasn’t like Rarity didn’t know what she was getting into, when she said she loved me back. She knew I would be incredibly busy, and she promised that she understood. (She’s sweet like that. I don’t know how she runs her businesses and still manages to have time to spare for all of us).

Saving the world was a job for regular ponies, but me? I had the formal duties of a Princess to consider. I had decrees to write, ponies to wave at, and court to hold, just like everypony expects. There’s also, of course, the lesser-known duties that I have to check off, so to speak.

The mountains of tax paperwork, for example. Nopony thinks of who has to read all that, after they fill it out. (I should really think about getting a secretary someday, but a part of me loves the challenge). I’d rather spend my nights curled up with a good novel, but at the end of the day, it’s just something I signed up for.

There’s also way more travel time than I thought there’d be. Who knew that being a Princess meant I’d spend days on the Friendship Express? The dining car knows my order. That’s just sad. Rarity used to write me letters to read while I sat, though. I’d keep them folded in a pocket in my saddlebags. A few of them have grown soft and worn through where they’ve been creased and uncreased over and over and over…

And, of course, there’s the most boring duty of a Princess. You know, being kidnapped from time to time.

I know, I know, most ponies don’t consider that an actual duty. “Duty” implies that it’s a legal obligation, and it isn’t, not really. It’s kind of a moral one, when you think about it. Would ponies discover the Friendship Inside of Them™ without the threat of a Princess being taken from them? Well, the mileage may vary, but so far it’s led to three separate renegade friend groups solving problems that conveniently spring up every millennial anniversary of some ancient threat (so, every other Tuesday).

So, when they discover that I’m sitting in a dungeon out in the far wastes of Northern Equestria, and making my way through the last thousand years worth of “Great Yakish Literature” and whatever else Cozy Glow thoughtfully steals from me, I hope they remember that I’m doing it for the good of all ponykind.

A part of me bets that one of my Faithful Students™ will realize that the statue that used to contain Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Chrysalis is gone, and has been for the last two years. But to be honest, a part of me is glad they haven’t.

I mean, I’m sure Starlight will pick up on that eventually. She’s the sort to notice details, give or take a couple years. One of my most brilliant students, and yet she didn’t realize that Rarity and I were dating until after the wedding. Ah, well. Nopony can be all types of intelligent.

It’s not that strange, really, that I’m not impatiently waiting to be rescued. I remember the first time I was kidnapped, back when the real Grogar showed his stupid face. Poor Cadance had to keep me from hyperventilating, and Grogar wasn’t the sort of villain to provide his captives with a handy paper bag. Luster Dawn got us out of there in no time, though I never realized how unnecessary the whole “I’m sad” musical numbers are. I wanted to shout “Be sad another time, and get me out now!”

That was past me. Cozy Glow and Tirek have been great captors, by comparison. Tirek’s not that bad of a roommate, once we got past the whole stealing-magic hurdle. He’s a pretty decent cook, a great gym buddy, and he’s gotten so much better at not touching the “few meager possessions he allows me to keep in my cell, in order to give me a shred of hope so he can crush it later on.” All in all, an 8 out of 10.

And when Cozy Glow went through puberty, she came to me to ask for advice (because Tirek isn’t good with the whole “feelings” department.) After that, she’s been really good about getting me some sort of fresh entertainment while she plots to take over Equestria. Sometimes, she asks me for advice about that, too, but every once in a while her requests are a little less make-them-bow-before-me, and more how-do-I-update-my-resume types of things. Of course I help her. I’m not a monster, and honestly? Neither is she. Not really.

Of course I miss Rarity. I do! I really, really do. And I’m sure that she’d miss me, if I were gone. Well, if she knew I was gone. Like I said, she’s seen me, but I haven’t seen her.

The changelings that Chrysalis has managed to raise after restarting her hive (don’t ask) reassure me that I still love Rarity, but I’m not so sure. Do I love Rarity, still, or do I love the memory of who Rarity was? I’m sure she’s changed a lot over the last two years. Chrysalis’s spawn are always quick to update me on anything their Queen has experienced in my stead. It isn’t quite the same, but at least it’s something.

Rarity’s new mane cut. What they ate for breakfast. Construction going on in the castle.

The fact that Rarity wants a foal.

I don’t know how to deal with that last one, to tell you the truth. Chrysalis doesn’t either. The last time she called me, she said that Rarity wanted to adopt one. I’m… I hate to say it, but I’m almost inclined to let them. The relationship they’ve built has grown past what Rarity and I had, and it’s been so long that I’d feel kinda bad reappearing out of nowhere and putting Rarity through that.

I don’t need Chrysalis’s swarm to tell me that she’s developed feelings for her, too. It’s easier to deal with if I mentally think of my wife as two separate beings. There’s my Rarity, who was starting up her tenth location in Appleoosa when I was kidnapped, and there’s Chrysalis’s Rarity, who wants a foal with her. My Rarity probably hasn’t existed for two years, but I still love her, and I still love the Rarity that’s held a changeling in my shape every night since.

It’s just complicated, okay? We’re complicated. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a sort of fondness for Chrysalis in return. She’s been in my hooves (literally!) for the past two years, and I feel she knows me better than anypony. Even… even Rarity, since Rarity hasn’t so much as given her a second glance. And isn’t that a sort of love?

Besides, I get to help raise Chrysalis’s grubs! It’s another duty of mine, but it’s not a Princess duty. It’s just a Twilight duty. It’s nice, just being Twilight. I’d forgotten how much I missed it.

I don’t think that I’d turn them all to stone again, if they ever do realize what happened to me. I’d think of something else. Maybe community service. I wouldn’t let Thorax take custody of her children, though. They seem pretty happy, just as they are.

And I am, too. Happy, I mean. I curl up and read in my “cell of solitude and eternal subjugation,” I teach Cozy Glow how to navigate her first job interviews, I work out with Tirek (I hold the record for most push-ups, currently), and I figure out how to burp a changeling.

So, uh, yeah. If you find this memory crystal, it’s up to you. Not the fate of Equestria, per se, but the current status quo. It’s me, the real Princess Twilight Sparkle. I’m safe, I’m healthy, and I’m happy with how life is going. This is more of a Princessly-obligation thing that I’m doing, and Cozy Glow promises to hide it in a secret location where, in theory, somepony might find it, but only if they’re extraordinarily lucky.

And honestly? I think this’ll be my last one. I feel more like Twilight than I’ve felt in a very very long time. Keep Equestria safe for me. If you need me, you know who to ask for my location. And tell my wife I said hello. She’ll be confused, but, you know, it’s the thought that counts.