Trigger Happy Equines

At first there was unending nothingness. Then, my consciousness abruptly began to exist. Next came the noise.

“Who is… The meaning of…”

“Where am… I shouldn’t…”

“Aaaagh! Get… Why are…”

“Settle down! We should… Think about…”

I heard a cacophony of voices as I slowly awoke. The first thing I felt was an immense cold, like a blanket of ice that enveloped my body and tingled my skin. For a moment I couldn’t even remember the terrifying experience in my apartment. It was like waking up from a heavy night’s drinking, but instead of a headache I was plagued by an incrementally depleting body-wide paralysis. I shivered and clutched at my chest, my mind blank while my muscles ran on automotive instinct. I opened my eyes and shrank back as I saw numerous forms before me. The memory of my attack sprang forth and I bolted upright, then recoiled slightly as my back groaned in pain.

The floor was a coarse, gritty grey metal with small indents. I pushed at the ground with my two fore-hooves and took a series of sharp gasps. I could smell an acrid, coppery odor that burned my throat. I looked up and recoiled from a bright, ceiling-held light that my eyes slowly adjusted to. I was at the rounded edge of a room in the shape of a semicircle, roughly thirty feet in diameter. On the wall in front of me was what appeared to be a mounted television screen, but with an absurdly wide landscape aspect ratio. Surrounding me, along the rest of the rounded edge were several others including earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi and one zebra mare. A stocky pegasus stallion was speaking to the rest of those who were already awake, trying to keep everyone calm, while a few others were only just waking up and coming to their senses. All of them were shackled to the wall from one of their hind legs, and I only then checked my own to find that I was indeed in the same predicament.

I pulled against my chains, but it was no good. The links were made of thick galvanized steel, and the metal ring it connected to was bolted firmly to the cold, stone wall. I tried fiddling with the lock that was bound to my leg, but it was extremely tight-fitting, and trying to wrench the cuff over my joint only resulted in pain without progress.

At this point I felt something flap down against my chest, and I saw that I had a white plastic name tag (complete with my name and crude, cartoonish drawing of my face) in the shape of a business card draped around my neck by a piece of black rope. One quick glance around confirmed that this was the same for everyone present.

“What are we even doing here?” exclaimed a tan-coated mare wearing a black gown. “I have a busy schedule to attend to!”

“That’s your worry?” scoffed a unicorn stallion who was sat to my left. “Whoever kidnapped us obviously has something sinister planned.”

I thought back to my terrifying encounter before I’d blacked out. “You’ve been chosen.”

“It was those creepy guys in gas masks!” the zebra mare retorted. “Did they say the same to all of you?”

“Something about being chosen,” said a pink earth pony with a bouncy mane. She was somewhat familiar, but I couldn’t figure out why. I considered she might be an acquaintance, though that seemed highly unlikely. “But I don’t like it!” she continued. “It’s rude and mean to kidnap us! A real rotten prank! I say we break out of here, even if it means eating through our own chains!” She pulled up the slack on her own shackle and put it between her teeth, then recoiled as she bit down. “Okay, this is going to take some time.”

“This should be no match for me!” bellowed an enormous earth pony stallion at the edge of the room. His appearance was immediately frightening, being two heads taller than me and with a hulking frame beyond anything I’d ever witnessed. He sported a confident grin as he pulled his trapped leg forward and let out a grunt, the chains being pulled taut. It was important to note, however, that his chains were significantly thicker than anyone else’s. Whoever had trapped him here had understood the risk of someone so gigantic being able to pull themselves free.

“I wouldn’t break those chains if I were yooooooouuuu…”

Everyone went silent as the high-pitched taunt echoed throughout the room. I looked around to see if I could find the source of the voice and was instead met with the stares of the others as they all did the same thing.

“What was that?” someone whispered. Again, there was only silence in response.

“Show yourself!” the pink mare demanded, jumping into an aggressive stance. “I know you’re around here somewhere!”

“Oh boy,” the creepy voice resumed. “You really think any of you are in the position to make demands?” There was a sigh, a brief pause, and then a sudden bone-chilling cackle that made several others gasp. “I’m the one who gives out the rules here, not any of you! And like I said, I wouldn’t go breaking yourselves out of those chains or I’ll have to punish you. Pu-hu-hu-hu-hu!”

Everyone was too stunned to move. I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest and instinctively drew back against the wall despite having no way of escape.

“That’s it!” cried a unicorn mare with horn-rimmed glasses. “I say we blast our way out of here with spells if we have to!”

“No,” the stocky pegasus from before said sternly. “Let’s just do what they say for now. We have no idea what they want or what they’re capable of.”

“A very wise choice! I’d hate to have to dispose of any of you before the fun has even begun! Now, I want all of you to pay close attention.” The lights dimmed and the wall-mounted monitor flickered, displaying the number 9 repeated over and over again across the entire screen. Then they changed to 8 with a beep, then a 7. “Since you’re all in this together, I thought it best that you all got to know each other!” The countdown hit 2, 1, then 0, before going black.

Suddenly, the screen burst into color, a cheery fanfare with whoops and hollers playing as a strange, monochrome rabbit-like creature appeared. Its appearance was split squarely down the middle, with its right side being that of a typical white, slightly cartoonish bunny while its other half was black with a monstrous, razor-toothed grin and glowing red eye.

“Hello and welcome!” the rabbit said in that familiar, unsettling voice, waving one of its paws. “My name is Monobunny, and you are all here for a very special occasion. You have all been chosen to take part in an exciting game of wit, tenacity and perseverance. You have each been chosen specially, for you are all such unique and remarkable equines from all walks of life.” I felt my fur prickle as I heard this comment. “You are the chosen Ultimates! Only one of you can be crowned the victor, but who will that be? Without further ado, let’s meet our contestants!”

The screen wiped to a mishmash of dancing shapes and colors as cheesy pop music played in the background. “Up first we have a medical practitioner who has pulled off incredible feats of scientific brilliance and saved countless lives!” A serious-looking unicorn mare appeared on the screen with a list of information and credentials. “Let’s give it up for surgeon extraordinaire, Doctor Scalpel!”

Doctor Lancet Scalpel

Ultimate Surgeon

Female, 36, Unicorn

Fur: White / Mane & Tail: Yellow/Orange streaks / Eyes: Gold

The video continued to switch between images, displaying a picture and information for each pony in the room in sequence. “Next we have a sensational athlete who has never lost a fight in his entire career! A hulking giant weighing in at over three hundred and fifty kilograms, with an immense appetite for saucy noodles and super-hot chilies. It’s the wrestling legend, Yoko Zuna!”

Yoko Zuna

Ultimate Sumo Wrestler

Male, 28, Earth Pony

Fur: Cream / Mane & Tail: Black / Eyes: Orange

“Next up is a happy-go-lucky mare who just wants to see the rest of the world smile. Always a clown and with nary a frown, here to brighten up your day is the fun-loving party planner, Pinkie Pie!”

Pinkie Pie

Ultimate Party Planner

Female, 26, Earth Pony

Fur: Baby Pink / Mane & Tail: Magenta / Eyes: Blue

“Onto our next contestant, a visionary with an eye for the classics, able to sell out theatres without being a sell-out himself! Time to break a leg, it’s the one and only Sanscript!”

Sanscript

Ultimate Playwright

Male, 30, Unicorn

Fur: Blue / Mane and Tail: Light Grey / Eyes: Blue

“Away from the stage and into the wide world of food, there is one name that fills chef’s hearts with a dread like no other. A controversial figure with an eye for detail and taste-buds from heaven, it’s the queen of mean, Dish Panner!”

Dish Panner

Ultimate Food Critic

Female, 37, Earth Pony

Fur: Tan / Mane and Tail: Black / Eyes: Hazel

“Next we have a law enforcer that will send criminals packing. Catching his first thief at the age of seven and dismantling some of the most brutal gangs in all of Equestria, this wall of muscle is a finely tuned weapon against crime. Let’s hear it for Shetland Yard!”

Shetland Yard

Ultimate Police Officer

Male, 38, Pegasus

Fur: Light Grey / Mane & Tail: Shaved head & navy-blue tail / Eyes: Brown

“Now for our youngest participant, a teenager with an amazing talent for all kinds of digital entertainment. Whether it’s an epic role-playing game, a racing simulator or medieval strategy, he’s got the knack that so many others lack. Let’s hope it won’t be game over for Button Mash!”

Button Mash

Ultimate Gaming Prodigy

Male, 15, Earth Pony

Fur: Dark Brown / Mane & Tail: Streaky light brown / Eyes: Amber

Next the video cut to grainy static, the faint outline of a silhouette in the center and what sounded like a muffled voice followed by a distorted set of information much like those that had been appearing. The words were illegible and the voice unintelligible, but it had the distinct appearance that the rest of the introductions had. “I’m afraid we ran into a technical problem!” came the voice of Monobunny. “Nothing to worry about!” As quickly as the video had become misshapen and twisted, it sprang back into the usual format with the same jolly music playing. The bizarre shift elicited a few hushed mutterings from those around me.

“Up next is the pony with a thousand voices. Her skills in imitating the speech and mannerisms of others had made her an instant hit with everyone, except sometimes the ones she’s impersonating… But that’s how it goes for our next participant, Dopple!”

Dopple Ganger

Ultimate Impersonator

Female, 22, Pegasus

Fur: Lemon yellow / Mane & Tail: White / Eyes: Green

“What’s black and white and read all over? Our next participant! With boundless charisma and a loyalty to truth, even at its harshest. She can get an interview with just about anyone, and always gets the last word. Give it up for Inky!”

Ink “Inky” Slinger

Ultimate Reporter

Female, 25, Zebra

Fur: Black and white / Mane: Black and White / Eyes: Grey

“Meeting our next participant would be something truly magical. She can perform amazing tricks and seemingly impossible feats of magic, and she’s not even a unicorn! With sleight of hoof and a mastery of misdirection, daring escapes from certain doom… We’ll see if she can manage that here, it’s Copper Fields!”

Copper Fields

Ultimate Illusionist

Female, 24, Pegasus

Fur: Copper / Mane & Tail: Dark Green / Eyes: Green

“But she’s not the only pony who can mess with your head. Our next participant can twist your mind in knots with the mere power of suggestion. He has a master’s degree in equine psychology, or maybe he’s just hypnotized us all into thinking that. Welcome, Mesmer!”

Mesmer

Ultimate Hypnotist

Male, 42, Unicorn

Fur: Maroon / Mane & Tail: Black / Eyes: Red

As the introductions came, I trailed my eyes around the room, mentally checking off each pony that was mentioned. Sure enough, each of them was present, and looked exactly as they did in the video. My brain was whirring, trying to make sense of this whole insane scenario. And while I should have probably been terrified by my predicament, of the implications of my kidnapping, instead my biggest worry was what could possibly be said about me when the time came. Everyone else here had impressive talent, or some trait that made them unique. Or at least, that’s what the video had told me. Was it lying about them? If so, would it lie about me? The video continued.

“Next up, which profession do you think gets death threats for even the tiniest error in judgement, and ostracized by the community for one little mistake? If you guessed government official, you’re wrong! It’s actually the humble referee! Our next participant, however, is near infallible, a titan in the sports community. It can only be the affectionately named, Reph!”

Antonio “Reph” Rephael

Ultimate Sports Referee

Male, 35, Pegasus

Fur: Light blue / Mane & Tail: Brown / Eyes: Brown

“They say home is where the heart is, and few homes can stand up to our next guest’s. With an eye for décor and all things sleek, chic and absolutely at their peak, she can whip up a wicked color scheme. It’s Elsie De Pone!”

Elsie De Pone

Ultimate Interior Designer

Female, 32, Unicorn

Fur: Reddish orange / Mane & Tail: Dark brown / Eyes: Blue

“If you’re ever in need of a maid and a foal-sitter, kill two birds with one stone with our next participant! Hailing from the Chevalian city of Ponis, she’s been all over the country helping some of the most elite families around. Break out your dictionary and don’t call her Mary Cloppins, it’s the lovely Maribelle!”

Maribelle Cheval-Gelding

Ultimate Au Pair

Female, 28, Earth Pony

Fur: Light jade / Mane & Tail: Blond / Eyes: White

I took another look around the room. Everyone had already been accounted for. Everyone except for me. I shivered involuntarily, unsure what to expect next. I thought back to my humdrum life before all this, to the wasted years and self-imposed solitude. “You’ve been chosen.” That’s what I’d been told, that’s what had led me to this point. But why? I was the odd one out here. Unless this was a setup, unless everyone else was in on it…

I felt the eyes of the others fall on me. The visuals on screen had paused momentarily, as if the mastermind behind all this was taunting me and me alone.

“Pu-hu-hu-hu-hu!”

An icy chill ran down my back. An indescribable, intangible fear took over.

“Last, and in many ways least, we have someone I’m super proud to present!”

I held my breath and tensed up, as if awaiting a physical blow to my stomach.

“Everyone else was so easy to discover and track down, but our last participant was a real diamond in the rough! Please give a warm welcome to the most pathetic, paltry excuse for an equine. So utterly forgettable with no accomplishments, no family, no friends, no fond memories, no life. No running water!”

I fell limply to the floor, terror and helplessness overcoming me. I wanted to believe that this was all just a dream.

“Let’s give it up for this forgotten dreg of pony society, Greyscale!”

Greyscale

Ultimate Nobody

Male, 23, Earth Pony

Fur: Light Grey / Mane & Tail: Dark Grey / Eyes: Grey