Fargo-ing Formality

by TheLegendaryBillCipher

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2827

The Whinnyapolis delegate comes to Ponyville - bearing gifts.

Twilight's new delegate exchange means Applejack and Pinkie Pie are left in Ponyville to greet the visiting delegate. Unfortunately for them, the Whinnyapolis delegate comes bearing gifts - warm, caffeinated gifts.

Written as a gift for RubyDubious. Also a part of the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Plain Jane speedwrite, where it was finished in an hour.

A thank you to Silent Whisper, themoontonite, Seer, wishcometrue, Shaslan, Knox Locke, Zontan, Flashgen, _Moonshot, Vis-a-Viscera, Snow Quill, and The Red Parade, as well as some others for proofreading and editing before publishing.

Published 2020-07-18 22:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-18 22:40:00 UTC

And here ya are, and it's a beautiful day.

Pinkie Pie bounced eagerly on the Ponyville Station platform as she looked down the tracks. By her side, Applejack gave a sigh and shook her head.

“Now look, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack explained. “Twilight wants us to be on our best behavior. This delegate exchange thing is a big deal.”

“Oh, I know that, Applejack,” Pinkie Pie scoffed as she continued to bounce in place. “Why else would she send Rarity to Manehatten—”a bounce“—and Fluttershy and Spike to the Crystal Empire—”another bounce“—and Rainbow Dash to Cloudsale—”yet another bounce“—and go to Canterlot herself, all to help guide the delegates?”

Applejack huffed. “Can ya please just, tone it down a little? We want to give the delegate comin’ here a proper welcome.”

“What better welcome than the Pinkie-Pie-Welcomes-You-To-Ponyville routine? That’s what I always give ponies who visit!” Pinkie grinned, then froze mid-bounce and gasped at the sound of the far off train’s whistle. “She’s here!”

Applejack shook her head as Pinkie crashed to the platform, looking down the tracks at the approaching Friendship Express. With all the delegates shuffling about Equestria, air and train traffic were stretched thin.

So it didn’t surprise her when the train braked harder than normal before the station. Pinkie picked herself up off the platform, containing her bounce to a rocking motion as the train ground to a halt roughly.

“Sorry for the abrupt halt everypony, but we’re running a tight schedule today,” the conductor said as he emerged from the passenger car. He stepped out of the way as the disgruntled passengers disembarked. Applejack glanced at Pinkie, who held up a sign with the pony’s name.

Shaking her head, Applejack turned back to the train just in time to see the pony they were waiting for disembark, just as shaken as the other passengers. She had a pale blonde coat and blonde mane, and her cutie mark, just exposed by her thick bomber jacket, was a cup of coffee. She had a cardboard tray holding two Styrofoam cups on her back and dragged her rolling luggage bag behind her with her tail.

“Over here, ma’am!” Applejack called, waving to her.

“Welcome to Ponyville!” Pinkie cheered, bouncing into the air. The sign she had been holding flew off to parts unknown.

“Oh gosh, sorry if I was a little late gettin’ here. Trains are runnin’ like wild today, don’tcha know?” the mare said as she walked over, carefully balancing the tray on her back. Behind her, the train gave a shrill whistle and took off.

“I figured that. Howdy ma’am, welcome to Ponyville. I’m Applejack, and this here is Pinkie Pie.” Applejack gestured to the beaming pony to her right. “We’re here to show ya around.”

“Well howdy yourself there, Applejack. I’m March Gustysnows, but I reckon you already know that,” March replied. “Oh, I hope you don’t mind, but I brought some gifts for ya. Just a little piece of Whinnyapolis.”

“Ooh!” Pinkie leaned forward, intrigued. “I love getting gifts, almost as much as I love giving them! Whatcha bring?"

“Well, isn’t nothing much here, and I almost spilled ‘em gettin’ in the station.” March reached around behind her and plucked the tray up in her teeth. “Some of our specialty Whinnyapolis brew. Finished mine off on the train.”

Applejack took one of the Styrofoam cups in her hoof, looking at it curiously. She sniffed at the opening before taking a sip. It wasn’t hot enough to burn her, but she still recoiled at the taste.

She smiled apologetically to March. “Sorry ma’am, I was never much of a coffee pony, surprisin’ as that is.” She blinked in realization and turned to Pinkie, mouth half open to say something…

Only to shut it when she realized Pinkie had taken her cup in her dexterous lock of hair and guzzled down a good gulp. Pinkie released the cup with a loud and satisfying sigh. “Oh yeah, that’s good. Could be a smidge warmer, but not bad,” she remarked.

“Well, glad ya liked it,” March said with a warm smile, setting down the tray.

Pinkie looked at Applejack, who was staring at her, and frowned with confusion. “You alright, Applejack?” she asked.

“You, uh, feelin’ alright there, Pinkie?” Applejack asked.

“Feeling Pinkie keen!” Pinkie beamed. “Why wouldn’t I be? Were you expecting something to—”

Her eyes shot wide open and pupils shrunk to the sound effect of breaking glass. Her entire body went rigid still, before a tingling sensation began in her tummy. It wiggled its way down into her legs, into her tail, and finally the rest of her.

She suddenly shot up like a rocket clean through the platform’s awning. “YAHOO!” she cheered, before vanishing in a pink blur into town.

“What in Celestia’s name was that all about now?” March exclaimed, adjusting her ushanka.

“I was afraid of that – Pinkie on caffeine can’t be a good thing. Come on, we gotta stop her before she tears up the whole town!” Applejack exclaimed, racing off into town, wth March racing off after her.

“I don’t know if we could do it,” Bon Bon said to Lyra. “I mean, we could ask Twilight, but I don’t think she’d allow it.”

Lyra grumbled as she looked out of the diner window, frowning at the pony world outside. The only thing on her mind, after Twilight had talked about Sunset Shimmer a few days ago, was that mirror portal. And those humans. And those hands.

“Why not? She’s my friend, right?” Lyra remarked, turning back to Bon Bon seated across from her. “I could just go in there, take a few pictures, it wouldn’t take that long.”

Bon Bon sighed. “I know, sweetie, but it’s still a big deal. Besides, there’s another Lyra and another Bon Bon over there, according to Twilight. Meeting ourselves would be… weird, and a bit unexplainable.”

“We’d be careful,” Lyra mumbled as she frowned back towards the window.

Only to let out a shout of surprise at the vibrating pink pony plastered to the glass on the other side.

“Hi Lyra!” Pinkie exclaimed, vanishing in a second.

Before Lyra could comprehend where she’d gone, the pink pony was in the booth next to her, making both her and Bon Bon jump in surprise.

“Whatcha so down for? Huh? Huh? Huh?” Her grin stretched ear to ear.

“Are you… ok, Pinkie?” Bon Bon asked. “You’re shaking an awful lot.”

“I’m fine!” Pinkie exclaimed, before turning her stare back to Lyra. “So, what’s up?”

“Well… Twilight just told me about this mirror world full of humans and—“

“Humans? Say no more!”

All at once, a pink blur covered the booth the couple sat at. The sounds of balloons inflating and the stretching squeaks of rubber could be heard. By the time it was done and the blur gone, a pile of balloon stick figures—human stick figures—covered both ponies and the entire booth.

Applejack and March raced into the diner. “Shoot, we’re too late,” the latter said.

Applejack trotted over to the table as Bon Bon poked her head out of the human balloon pile, her coat and mane standing on end from the static. One of the balloon figures was hooked onto her head like a crown.

“Ya see where Pinkie went?” Applejack asked.

“That way,” Bon Bon said flatly, pointing out the diner and down the street.

“We’d better hurry if we’re gonna catch her,” March called before running out of the dinner. Applejack flashed Bon Bon an apologetic grin before running after her.

A few of the balloon humans fell away from the other side of the booth, revealing a sparkly-eyed Lyra neck deep in the balloons. Her hair was also charged, but her wide grin showed she didn’t seem to notice.

“So. Many. Humans,” she said in a slow, awe-inspired voice, pulling as many of the balloons as she could into a hug.

Derpy Hooves sat glumly on a park bench. Her ears and wings drooped from exhaustion, too much to even give her usual, cheerful smile. She had shrugged off her mail satchel and was just focusing on resting.

She blinked in surprise when she looked next to her and found a vibrating Pinkie Pie standing on the bench beside her, practically in her muzzle.

“Hey Derpy! What’s wrong?” Pinkie asked rapidly.

“Oh, hey Pinkie,” Derpy said, paying no attention to the fact that Pinkie shook like a jackhammer. “It’s just been a rough day, that’s all.” She flashed the pink pony a tired smile. “I got a few deliveries wrong, crashed into a couple of trees, just the usual stuff.”

“Aww,” Pinkie said, though it was hard to sound caring at such a high speed. “How about a muffin to cheer you up?”

Derpy perked right up, gasping. “A muffin? I’d love one!”

Before Derpy could say anything further, Pinkie was gone in a flash. The mailpony tilted her head in confusion, but it didn’t last long.

The pink blur engulfed the bench, darting away so quickly that she was barely noticed. Slowly but surely, muffin after muffin was piled up around and then on the bench—and its occupant—until they were buried under barrelfuls of breakfast treats.

By the time March and Applejack caught up to the mountain of muffins, Pinkie was off to her next victim.

“Ya alright, Derpy?” Applejack asked.

The muffins shifted, and the mailpony stuck her head out, one muffin already in her mouth. “I’m fine, Applejack,” she said after she swallowed. “All I asked for was one muffin, though I’m not complaining. I didn’t know Pinkie could bake that fast.”

“I’m rightfully sorry about all this, Applejack,” March said with a sigh. “I know coffee ain’t exactly for everypony, or ain’t meant for everypony.”

“It’s alright, ma’am, we just gotta stop her before she causes any actual harm. Pinkie’s a sweet pony, but she doesn’t know her own strength sometimes. Or speed,” Applejack sighed.

“Sounds like what we need is a trap then,” March said with a firm nod.

“If we can find a trap strong enough,” Applejack sighed as the two hurried on after Pinkie.

Derpy waved to them as they went, before looking at the muffins around her. “How in Equestria am I going to get all these home?” she remarked.

Following Pinkie’s trail, they came across a pile of mutli-colored rocks. Each one was a little bigger than an apple. As they approached, the rocks shifted and Maud Pie poked her head out.

“Oh gosh, are ya alight there?” March asked.

“Actually, I couldn’t be happier,” Maud said with her usual deadpan enthusiasm. She looked to her left as a much smaller rock skipped down the pile. “And Boulder is happy socializing too.”

“Did Pinkie do this to ya?” Applejack asked.

Maud simply nodded. “She wanted to cheer me up, and when I asked for rocks, she complied. I am still investigating, but I believe one of every type of rock in Ponyville is in this pile. I‘m overjoyed.”

“How can ya tell?” March stage-whispered to Applejack, who shrugged before turning back to Maud.

“Did ya see where she went?” Applejack asked.

“No, but I’m sure Starlight did.” She pointed her hoof down the street, where a pile of multi-colored kites sat, shuffling.

The two ran over and moved some kites to find Starlight Glimmer laying there, eyes wide and sparkly. “So. Many. Kites,” she mumbled, not even noticing them there.

Applejack sighed, replacing the kites over Starlight. “She’ll be fine.”

“Oh gosh, Applejack, I really am sorry about all this,” March sighed, looking over the kite pile. “I didn’t think a little coffee would cause this much trouble.”

“It’s not your fault, ma’am – Pinkie’s always been a little… high strung.”

March frowned with determination. “Well I plan on makin’ things right and taking her down a peg or two. That’s what we police ponies do, don’tcha know – we make things right.”

Applejack’s eyes widened. “You work for the Whinnyapolis Police?”

March snorted and brushed it off. “Oh gracious no – they work for me. I’m the police chief. Now come on, I have a plan that’ll slow her down.”

Applejack continued to blink in surprise as March hurried off, before following her towards the market.

“Ya sure about this?” Applejack asked. “It sounds kinda… crazy.”

“Don’tcha worry none,” March said with a wink. “I got this.”

“Alright, sure hope your plan works.”

March nodded, then cleared her throat. “Oh, gee willikers,” she called out into the empty marketplace, devoid of ponies after the town realized Pinkie was on the rampage. “I sure could use some cheerin’ up, don’tcha know!”

Pinkie appeared before them in the blink of an eye. “Oh hey Miss Gustysnows! How can I help? Huh? Huh? Huh?”

“Well, I’m quite thirsty for a good ol’ cup of Joe right about now,” March said as nonchalantly as possible.

“The donut guy in Canterlot?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head as she vibrated.

“Oh no, I’m talkin’ about a nice cup of Whinnyapolis coffee, straight from back home. Maybe three sugars and some cream too.” March smirked at her knowingly.

“Coming right up!” And in a flash, Pinkie was gone.

Applejack’s jaw dropped. “All the way to… that’ll take Pinkie days! That’s clear on the other side of Equestria!” she exclaimed.

March snorted. “Not the way she’s going it won’t.”

She turned around to find Pinkie Pie, now looking rather ragged as she limped forward. The pink pony gave the cup of coffee to March just in time to collapse to the ground, curl up, and start snoring.

March took a sip of her coffee and nodded in approval. “She’s good,” she remarked.

“Well I’ll be.” Applejack tilted her hat up. “How’d you figure that’d work?”

March shrugged, taking another sip of her coffee and sighing. “Oh yeah,” she remarked, before blinking back to Applejack. “Oh, I know ponies. She’s got a higher limit than most, but she’s still got a limit.”

“I’m awfully sorry about all this, ma’am,” Applejack sighed. “I wanted to give you a proper tour of Ponyville, not chase my friend around all willy-nilly.”

“Oh don’t worry about it.” March brushed it away. “There’s still time for a tour, sure, but I think I saw enough chasin’ her around.” She nodded to the snoozing Pinkie Pie. “You have a nice town here, and much warmer than Whinnyapolis.”

“Thanks.” Applejack sighed down at Pinkie Pie. “I reckon I oughta carry her off to bed. She’s liable to be out for another hour.”

“Oh, let me help ya there,” March said, finishing her cup in one swig before bucking it into the nearest trash can. “It was my fault she’s like this anywho.”

As Applejack carefully lifted Pinkie Pie up, March scooted in next to her, and she set the slumbering pony’s body across their backs. They trotted off towards Sugarcube Corner together.

“By the way,” Applejack asked. “What was in that coffee you gave her anyhow?”

“Well, to be honest, I didn’t know what you two would like, so I just went with plain black coffee. Still enough to rile her up I suppose.”

“You can say that again.” Applejack sighed to the heavens. “At least you didn’t go for one of those fancy espressos.”

For Ruby – Get well soon!

Author's Note

Date of Creation (D.o.C.): 7/8/20

This is my first story specifically for someone outside of Jinglemas. I'm not at liberty to discuss specifics, but Ruby was having a rough patch in her life, so I decided to do what I'm good at to try and cheer her up: write something. If you could, give her page a visit and give her stories some love - I know for a fact she works really hard on them.

If you don't know, March Gustysnows (the pony on the cover in the ushanka) is a reference to Marge Gunderson of the movie Fargo. If you happen to visit Ruby's page, you might see her profile picture is a familiar-looking pony. I wanted to write a story using her favorite pony based on a character she likes. There's even a few Fargo tie-ins, including part of a Marge quote for the chapter title.

March made her appearance in "Princess Spike" as the delegate from Whinnyapolis (even though Fargo is in North Dakota, not Minnesota). And seeing as March's cutie mark is a coffee cup, I thought some caffeinated hijinks with my favorite pony (:pinkiehappy:) were in order.

So, Ruby, I hope you like this story in it's completed form. I even snagged a bit of the Fargo cover for the cover art background. And I hope things start looking up for you soon.

(The song I listened to for this one was, once again, "Bounce Man Stage" from Mega Man 11 - a necessity for me to write Pinkie, it seems.)

-yours truly,
The Legendary Bill Cipher, Equestria Enthusiast