Cadence, Cadance, or Can Dance?
Twilight stared at the letter, which had arrived by dragonfire only moments ago.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Shining Armor and Princess Can Dance are making an unplanned trip to Canterlot and Ponyville. They asked me to let you know that they might visit you.
Celestia GGPS
Twilight turned to her adopted little brother, Spike. "Do you think maybe this time you...had a burping error? A mispelch? I don't know what to call it, but do you think maybe you messed up on this letter??"
Spike shook his head. "Why, is the corner burnt?"
"Well, I certainly don't know who Princess Can Dance is."
"That is weird." Spike climbed up and sat in Twilight's lap to inspect the letter himself. "It doesn't look like a burn mark. I guess it's for real. Even though I don't understand it either."
Twilight's horn lit up, and with a soft glow of magic she pulled a book down from a shelf. She opened it on her desk and paged through it. "The latest Peerage doesn't list any such princess. Could it be a typo?"
Spike scoffed. "Celestia doesn't make typos."
"I meant in the book. Or maybe Can Dance is a newly crowned princess of some faraway foreign country. It'll be nice to meet her. And then a new Peerage edition will have to come out to include her. I'll enjoy seeing what everypony's been doing since this edition."
Spike chuckled. "You and a new book, Twilight."
A knocking came from somewhere below. Twilight got out of her chair and walked down the hall. She turned right.
"Twi? The way downstairs is the other way."
"Shh. I'm sneaking!" Twilight tippy-toed as silently as she could to a Prench door leading out to a balcony. She sneaked outside and peeked over the edge of the balcony towards the space just outside the castle's front door.
She saw what looked very like her big brother Shining Armor and his wife Cadance.
Spike started to say, "Looks like--"
"Ssh!" Twilight hissed. "We are spying."
Spike whispered, "Looks like our big brother and his wife. Kissing."
Twilght looked very serious. "But Celestia said we would be unexpectedly visited by somepony other than Cadance."
Spike whispered, "Maybe something happened that Celestia didn't expect?"
"That's possible. But maybe Celestia had a reason to send us that letter. Maybe she knew we would see two ponies who we would THINK were Shiny and Cadance. But really we needed to be warned that our visitors weren't who they appeared to be."
"At least she said the one would be Shiny, and he sure looks like Shiny."
"Don't take this at face value! If the mare isn't who we would have thought she was, maybe there's something tricky about the stallion too. Maybe he's a different pony who ALSO is named Shining Armor, and happens to resemble our brother in appearance."
"Twilight? I know you love to think. But do you think you might be overthinking this?"
Twilight leaned out farther, trying to get a better view. "They really do look so much like--" She fell off the balcony, tumbling head over heels. Surprised and dizzied, she opened her wings late, slowing her fall just enough to land awkwardly instead of painfully.
The clop of her hooves hitting the ground drew the two visitors' attention.
"Twily!" the stallion said. "How's my favorite little sister?" He wrapped her in a hug.
The alicorn beside him said, "Twilight? Why are you glaring at us suspiciously?"
"Who are you really!" Twilight demanded.
"You don't know?" The alicorn who looked exactly like Twilight's big brother's wife lit up her horn briefly with a changeling detection spell. "Here, you try it. Check that I'm me, Twilight."
Twilight Sparkle said, "I felt the thaumic signature of your spell. A changeling can't do a proper changeling unmasking spell, but if there had been a changeling here, you would have ruptured her disguise completely. Good work, whoever you are."
Twilight eyed the two visitors with even deeper suspicion. "In fact, the last time I saw my sister in law, she wasn't even able to do that spell properly!"
Shining said, "You don't know how hard my wife has been working to get good at that spell, Twily."
The alicorn visitor said, "I've certainly had enough incentive to practice hard at it. Changelings have given our family so much trouble. I decided changeling detection is as important to proper family harmony as being able to change little Flurry's diapers and burp her."
Twilight said, "And that's another thing! Where IS Flurry? Were you not able to find a proper double for her?"
The visiting alicorn said, "I don't know what to do with your sister, Shiny. I remember back when she was little, before that nasty time when Chrysalis kidnapped me and disguised herself as me and took my place, and was brainwashing and sucking love out of you, and was so mean to Twilight and to everypony. I think Twilight found that very traumatic. I miss the innocent days when we didn't understand how perilous and treacherous this world can be."
Shiny said, "So you think my sis still hasn't gotten over that?"
"That's what it looks like."
Shining Armor said, "Twilight, I don't know if there's anything we can do to help you feel better. But if you think of something, just let me and Can Dance know."
"Aha!" Twilight shouted. "You admit it!"
"Admit what, little sis?"
"You admit that this pony...or WHATEVER...you have with you, isn't really your wife Cadance!"
"Well," Shining Armor said sheepishly, "this really is my wife. She just isn't Cadance."
"Shiny!" the alicorn visitor said, "Go easy on her. She really doesn't know."
"Doesn't know what?" Shiny asked.
"She doesn't know who I am. She probably thinks that I locked up your wife somewhere and brainwashed you into accepting me. Or that maybe you aren't really you at all."
"Twilight," the visiting alicorn said, "didn't you ever wonder? About my name?"
"Wonder? You've got me wondering a lot of things. About you and...WHOEVER this unicorn with you is. You...brother impersonator!" Twilight spat those two words out with more venom than some ponies could give to half a page of vile obscenities.
"Whoa, there, sis--"
"Please let ME explain, Shiny dear." The alicorn visitor turned back to Twilight. "Didn't you ever wonder why you sometimes see my name written C A D A N C E, and sometimes C A D E N C E ?"
Twilight said, "It had concerned me that so many ponies are sometimes so sloppy, they couldn't even spell an alicorn princess' name right."
"I need to tell you, Twilight...the REAL cause of my transformation into an alicorn."
"Wasn't it some kind of love magic? Deep meditation to feel and search out how love works, and how to save it, more deeply and lovingly than anypony ever before?"
"That's not WRONG, dear. It's just not the entire story. It is true that my search was motivated by love...but not only the romantic kind. I was also driven by Celestia's love for her sister. I felt I needed to discover the cause behind Woona's transformation into Nightmare Moon. Did you ever wonder why Woona became Nightmare Moon? And later, didn't you wonder why, after she was Nightmare Moon for so many years, she was able to regain her sanity at the same time that she switched back to her old name?"
Twilight said, "I thought everypony knew why she became Nightmare Moon. Living in the shadows, unappreciated by everypony who preferred the daylight, not enough funding for astronomers to admire her night sky to help keep her sane, etcetera etcetera. Wait. Did you call her WOONA?"
"I did, Twilight. And for the best of reasons."
"You...you and Luna?" Twilight goggled at the alicorn visitor. "Cadence has an identical twin? Named Can Dance? And you're the twin? And you and Luna...are you LOVERS? Are you two engaged? Is anypony EVER going to tell me about a wedding far enough in advance for me to know it isn't some kind of last-minute evil plot?"
"To be fair," Shining Armor said, "Last time somepony put off inviting you to their wedding until the last minute, it WAS because Chrysalis was brainwashing ponies and had a major evil plot going."
"True," Twilight acknowledged. "And remembering that doesn't make me feel any better now, does it?"
The alicorn visitor insisted, "I need to explain the truth about alicorns. Twilight, an alicorn is the nexus of unfathomable magical forces. That puts a certain...strain on the fabric of reality itself. Not to mention on the mind of the alicorn, who is, deep down inside, just a pony. A powerfully magical pony, but a pony nonetheless."
"Oh Harmony! Twilight gasped, "This is your way of telling me that because I'm an alicorn I'm going to go nuts, isn't it? First Nightmare Moon, then Celestia having to wrestle with her inner Daybreaker...what's going to happen to me? What's my evil self's name going to be? Is she at least hot? I like to think that if I went all evil, at least then I'd be really hot and sexy. Do you know how many years I've gone without--"
"No, Twilight! You DON'T have to go crazy. Although if you're just wanting to LOOK naughty and maybe a LITTLE bit evil in a sexy kind of way, talk to me later, so I can give you some advice as a Princess of Love. But first things first."
Twilight stared at the other alicorn. "TELL ME. Tell me, or I'll practice for my evil future by shooting you with magic friendship lasers until I MAKE YOU TALK."
The alicorn visitor looked uncomfortable. "Twilight, the way you're talking...are you sure I can't first tell you how to keep from going crazy? I feel this might be a good time to tell you that."
Twilight nodded.
Shining Armor's real or alleged wife said, "The confluence of magical energies around an alicorn is so great, so powerful...after a long enough time goes by, the warping forces start to accumulate on a thaumic level even in things that we normally think of as immaterial. Such as the alicorn's name. The longer those warping forces accumulate in an alicorn's name, the more pressure they put on the mental stability of the alicorn herself."
Twilight laughed. "Oh, you really had me going for a minute. Shiny, this is a great prank. For a few minutes there you two really had me believing that some terrible thaumic strain upon reality was going to make me--"
"She's not joking, Twilight. Or should I say, Twibeans."
"What!" Twilight looked at her brother with horror. "That is the stupidest nickname."
Shining Armor held out some papers. "Look at this."
Twilight skimmed the paperwork, then carefully examined it. "This says, our parents' legal authority by which they originally named me Twilight Sparkle on my birth certificate...has been used to rename me. Twibeans Sparklette."
Twilight examined the papers even more closely. "I am one of the world's foremost authorities on Equestrian paperwork. Sadly, there is no way this sick, twisted document could be a forgery."
"I'm sorry to spring it on you like this, lil sis. But have you looked at yourself lately? Have you noticed how much you've been 'Twilighting' these last few years? How it's been getting worse and worse?"
Spike agreed, "Every creature around you has noticed. We've all been so worried. We would do anything to save you. Even if it means calling you Twibeans. Twibeans Sparklette." Spike shivered. "It might seem like a dumb name, but if it saves your sanity, I'll do it. Because we love you that much, no matter what we have to call you."
"I know you might not like your new name," Can Dance said. "But we had to do something fast. Do you think I ENJOY the way I keep changing MY name? Do you think I LIKE making it look like I and all the ponies in Equestria don't even know how to spell?"
"That did seem weird and embarrassing," Twibeans admitted. "But I guess now I finally understand it."
Shining slowly, carefully hugged his sister. "We love you, Twibeans. Sorry I have to call you that. But when it's time for your next renaming, we'll have more time to come up with something that might be better."
Twibeans mused for a minute. "Cadance--"
"CAN DANCE!" the alicorn princess and her husband insisted.
"Sorry. Can Dance, I'm just wondering about Celestia. She's been going by the same name for an awfully long time. Is that going to be a really big problem?"
Can Dance said, "I can hardly imagine the strain that our mentor has been under. But she says it will be difficult to get everypony to suddenly call her by a different name, when she's been their primary sovereign for so many years as Celestia. Fortunately, her nightmares about being Daybreaker gave her a partial shunt of thaumic pressure away from her primary name. But soon, more will have to be done to protect her."
"If ponies won't let their ruler change her name...can Luna take over for Celestia for a while? For long enough to let ponies get used to Celestia taking a new name?"
"That's one of the possible solutions we're looking into," Can Dance said agreeably. "I'm also working on nicknames for Celestia, and trying to popularize them. Do you have any nicknames for her that you like?"
"How about Celly? And sometimes, when nopony else is around and I want to tease her...I call her Sunbutt. More formally, Great and Glorious Princess Sunbutt. GGPS."
Can Dance nodded. "Those are both helpful. Sunbutt is even completely different from Celestia. Your teasing might have been the balancing feather on the scales, the little extra bit of help that's let her hang on to her sanity these last few years. But you might have to work harder. We all might." (2264)
Twilight said firmly, "I understand. No matter how hard I must work to make up more ridiculous nicknames for her, I am willing to do my part. For GGPS and Equestria!"
The others agreed, "For GGPS and Equestria!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE
I don't remember at the moment in which story Princess Luna had a spying cloud or a sneaking cloud, or something like that. If you remember it, why not let me know?
And as usual, please let me know something you liked and/or didn't like about this story. But if you're one of those people who hates pretty much everything, or hates everything that an authority doesn't tell you to love, be sure to point that out, so I know how to properly honor your hate. In that case, you should read Blueshift's Nineteen Neighty-Four, so you can hate that one too.
