Familiar

by AlphaStrike

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Sex
Length: 9767

Twilight Sparkle tries to summon a familiar. It doesn't go according to plan.

Twilight Sparkle has reached a plateau in her magical studies. In order to reach the next level of magical understanding, she conducts a dangerous ritual to summon a familiar, a knowledgeable creature from another realm.

She never expected him to be such a massive asshole.

Sex tag is for a passing reference. Nothing explicit.

Published 2020-07-20 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-20 19:00:01 UTC

Summoning

The summoning circle glowed with magical energy, alternating in purple and green waves.

"Pure coincidence", Twilight thought. "My coat color-"

A premature breach in the fabric of reality established a connection to another world. It wasn't forbidden magic, she reminded herself. Just scary and unpredictable and might kill her. It was actually a simple spell, and getting better at magic wouldn't really improve her odds of success or safety. And since she was the type to do it anyways when her magic learning plateaued again, it might as well be now. That way, she could get a few extra years' benefit from the ritual. At least, that's what she told herself.

A bright flash, and then- Nothing. Nothing stepped through the circle. The spell had fizzled out. Perhaps, she thought to herself, the creature on the other side had magically rejected the summoning. In which case she might face retaliation.

"What an ingrate", she thought to herself. "Equestria is one of the most developed places in the multiverse. I was probably giving them a huge improvement in living conditions, more than enough to compensate-"

"Hello? Who is this?", a voice in her head said. "Are you a horse? I'd normally be pretty upset at being dropped into a new dream like this, but you actually saved me from a nightmare about my teeth falling out, so I guess I owe you one, Miss Dream Horse."

This wasn't good. "Oh. Uh, I"m a pony, and I've summoned you-"

"Hi, Miss Pony. Do you mind explaining to me why I'm so lucid in this dream? Also, I see a door labeled 'Twilight's Degenerate Fantasies'. Should I open it or?"

"NO, GOOD CELESTIA DON'T TOUCH THAT DOOR!"

"Too late", the voice said. It sounded very smug.

Twilight heard a door creak in her head, and some light footsteps. It sounded like a bipedal creature walking on carpet.

A little less shocked now, she decided to ask the first question that came to mind. "So, uh, what exactly are you?"

She could hear cabinets opening now. "Oh, nothing special. Just a human, early 20's, decent job at a startup. Good thing I work out, otherwise the whole digging through your fantasies thing would be a lot harder. Some of these cabinets are really rusty, you know."

Twilight didn't know what was going on, but was very scared. Some things weren't meant to see the light of day. "Please stop. T-that is some very personal information you're going through right now."

A shrug. Wait, how did she know that? "Sorry, chief, but I'm in a dream right now, and you're a figment of my imagination. Trying to strain too hard when I'm lucid dreaming makes things fall apart faster, and it feels like it's still pretty early in the morning for me. Let's just get through this so I can wake up on time and get to work rested."

Twilight struggled to think of an argument to get him to stop. If he thinks he's dreaming, maybe she can threaten him somehow? No, she don't know how long he's going to be in her head. What if he turns hostile and tries to take over her body? Twilight involuntarily shivered a little.

"Hey, you OK there, little buddy? The whole warehouse was shaking just now. Was it because I was looking through the folder labeled 'Repressed Memories of Sexy Babysitter'?"

Wait, what? "No, that doesn't even make any sense. I never had feelings for Cadance! Besides, she's married to my brother now."

"A likely story. I suppose that means nothing would happen if I remove the mental block, right?"

"The what?"

"The mental block. Literally the wooden square labeled 'Mental Block'."

"Where even are you right now? Did you say a ware-"

And then, memories of her childhood crush on Cadance suddenly flooded into her mind. "SWEET CELESTIA, this is bucked up! Was that why I was so passive aggressive on her wedding?"

You could hear snickering.

"This isn't funny!"

Poorly suppressed laughter now. Twilight started to cry a little. She was so fucked.

And then, he was gone. For all of two minutes.

"Did ya miss me, kid?"

"I think we all got off on the wrong hoof. My name is Twilight Sparkle. What's your name?" You said, in your most enthusiastic voice. Him liking you may literally be the difference between life and death.

"I'm uhh... Mike. Mike Hawk."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Mike. Where did you go just now?"

"I woke up. Right now, I'm sipping coffee, waiting for my toast to uh, toast."

"So, do you now know that I'm not a figment of your imagination?"

"Not really, no. Schizophrenia sets in around my age, and I had an uncle with it. This whole situation is actually freaking me out a little."

You didn't really know what to say about that. What was schizophrenia?

"How about this? Do your people know how to rapidly factor the product of two prime numbers?"

You sighed. Math was never your strong suit. You really hoped 'Mike' didn't think any less of you for it. "Uhhh... Trying every possible prime?"

"Scratch that, I'll pull up a random number generator."

You hear clacking in the background. It doesn't sound like anything you've ever heard.

"I'm going to read out two 8-digit numbers. Get back to me when you calculate their product."

"Whah? That's going to take forever! Can't you give me shorter numbers?"

"I can't be sure that I didn't do shorter ones subconsciously or some shit, I don't know. Besides, that's your problem, isn't it? Get cracking."

"Are you doing this just to mess with me, Mike?"

"Are you one of those communications majors who takes algebra classes in college, Twilight?"

A moment of silence.

"I... I took algebra a year ago."

More silence.

"Am I talking to a literal child?"

"Hey! I've been considered a legal adult for more than a year!"

"So that makes you, what, 19? Yeah, you're still a literal child."

"Ughh!"

"That took you an entire hour? Well, you did get the correct answer. So points for that."

"And how would you know if I got the correct answer? Aren't you suppose to be at work?"

"First of all, we have a stupid disease going around, so everyone's been working from home for the past month. Second of all, we have calculating machines that can do math very fast. My job is actually working with those machines."

You've heard of such machines being designed, but never actually built. "So you mean like an automated abacus or something? How fast are those in your world?"

"That's a... weird comparison, but i guess it works. And it took me far longer to input the numbers than it took to calculate. So 5 seconds vs. a milisecond or whatever. My personal machine is actually capable of, what, 30 billion such operations a second?"

There is no way that's physically possible. "You're messing with me again, aren't you?"

"It would sound like that to someone not acustom to computers, wouldn't it?"

You thought for a moment. It what he's telling you is true, then you can maybe can use it for something.
"So, uh, what exactly can you do with a 'computer'? In my world, I mean."

He shugged mentally.

"You never did tell me much about your world, Twilight. What level of technology do you guys have? Also, you never did explain why you summoned me or whatever."

"Oh, that. Well, I needed a familiar to advise me on magical experimentation. It's a pretty dangerous spell, and generally results in a creature from another world appearing in mine. I've never heard of something like what we have happening though."

A pause. "Were you trying to kidnap me, Twilight?"

"Well, Equestria isn't that bad of a place to live, and there are ways for you to be sent back."

Technically you weren't lying. The return spell would just most likely kill him. But he didn't need to know that part.

"Alright, I got you. So your world is still mostly pre-industrial, but only just. You guys have steam trains and rail, but they're very recent. And then there's the whole magic thing, but it doesn't seem to make your society very different from mine, minus the whole cutie mark situation."

"Something like that."

"So the question is, how are we going to make this whole thing work?"

"That's really vague."

"I know. But I'm talking to a magical pony girl with daddy issues, so I'm not too bothered by that."

Ouch.

"I mean, we're able to communicate through our mindlink. But is there anyway for us to increase the bandwidth? Either way, we need to find a way to make this whole thing... profitable. Out of all the possibilities, at least one should put some cash into our pockets, right? Maybe I can crack ciphers for you or something and you can hire some writers with the profits? That way, maybe I can get published or something."

"I'll get back to you on most of that. And how would cracking ciphers make bits? I mean, it's a nice way to earn ourselves some money from mathematical prizes, but I just don't see the practical applications of adding numbers together really quickly, no matter how fast you can do it."

"Oh, ye of little faith. Tell me, do your people have anything like a stock market?"

"Well, most companies aren't publically traded, but we do have commodity futures. Contracts for the delivery of oranges in a month. Stuff like that."

"Let's just get you nice and rich for now. You can pay me back later."

You still had no idea what was going on, but this was going a lot better than you expected.

"Right, and then you adjust the biases at each iteration through a process called gradient descent."

Mike was trying to teach you how machines could learn to predict the future.

"Sooo... it's like methodical trial-and-error, am I right?"

"Yeah, something like that. We've made great strides in the process over the course of the past decade. In fact, even our most complex board games are now dominated by algorithms.

"But how can a machine understand a game as complex as chess? Don't you need high-level reasoning and logic in order to just understand the game?"

"And who's to say it can't? Besides, you only really need to calculate a stupid number of ways a game can go in order to win against a human opponent. Pretty sure that's how the first machine to beat a chess world champion was designed."

You pondered for a second.

"Would it really be cheating if we entered into a chess tournament? I mean -"

"Yes. Unless we only used the machine in our preperation or something. Why cheat when we can do things the legal way? By the way, did the academy accept our entry for the prizes?"

"Oh, yes! It's nice how simple it is to calculate limits and integrals like that. Converting it to our terminology did not take long at all."

You hear him chuckle. You don't know why, but it made you uneasy.

"Now, Twilight, I'm helped you plenty over this weekend but you need to repay me."

"And how do you want me to do that?"

"Well, as it turns out, I knew some degenerates from college who can put me in contact with people who want to commision written smut."

"No. No, please. You're not seriously thinking of selling my... private fantasies to some neckbeard, are you?"

"I- what? No, I mean, I was hoping you could hire someone in your world to write them for me. I have to note that the more disgusting the request, the higher the pay, so I suggest you find someone with a strong stomach."

Merciful Celestia.

"I'll see what I can do."

Writer's Block

Lyra looked through your written request, her eyes narrowing with every line. "Well, uh, Twilight, that certainly is something."

"Haha, yeah. Something. It's for an unnamed third-party. I'm just helping-"

She looked at you with a look of distain. "Twilight, I'm not stupid. You just happen to pick up a 'client' right after you come in to a lot of money?"

Her face turned smug. "Feel free to lie to me about your secret desires, but we both know who this is really for."

"I-" You know that you were suppose to keep the whole thing a secret, but you just couldn't let Lyra think of you like that.

"I tried to summon a familiar but the spell went wrong, and the human is teaching me really complex math and he wants me to pay him back by doing this because he's selling it to his friends."

Lyra was laughing so hard that she was tearing up. "Listen, I think it's best that admit it to yourself before you leave today. I don't want to waste time LARPing in your fantasies."

You sank into the floor, defeated.

"I- I'm a filthy monkey-fucking degenerate and the porn is for me."

Lyra stopped laughing long enough to wipe her eyes with a hankerchief. "There, was that so hard? It'll be done by Wednesday, I promise. Good thing ponies find it so hard to vomit, otherwise I'd have to skip dinner."

Then you heard Mike's voice in your head. "You know I heard the whole thing, right?"

Just when you thought your face couldn't turn any more red, it did.

It was Thursday, and you feel sick. The fact that there were ponies- people out there who would get off to this filth... This is what Lyra thinks you're in to. With magic, everything truly has a cost. And the cost for being the rising star of mathematics in Equestria, it seemed, was your very soul.

You've been spending more time in the shower lately, trying to wash out the filthy feeling from your coat.

It hasn't been working.

"So, Twilight, I really want to thank you for dictating the story to me last night. I think we need to work out a code system that substitutes words or something, because as much as I love making a week's pay typing for a few hours, it still felt really really gross."

"Uh, thanks for your concern, Mike."

"Speaking of degenerates, do you have a, what did you call it? Special somebody?"

You looked down at your hooves and spoke softly.

"I've never had a special somepony. Nopony has show that type of interest in me. I don't know if anypony ever will."

You expected Mike to snicker at your overuse of the word 'pony', but he just sighed.

"Don't worry, kiddo. We're all going to make it. There's someone for everyone, and you honestly don't have a bad personality."
"Thanks, I guess. Does that just mean it's my looks?"

"At least that's easier to change. Listen, a friend once told me that if you wanted attention from the opposite sex, you needed to be funny, nice, and interesting. That, or just attractive."

"Is that suppose to make me feel better?"

"Actually, yes. They both sound easy to achieve, do they not?"

You thought for a moment. "Well, yeah, when you put it like that."

"Anyways, the reason I brought it up is because my long-distance girlfriend is coming over later tonight, and we might be uh, a little loud."

"I would ask you to get some noise-cancelling headphones, but I'm not sure they would work for this, so go to a metal concert or something, alright? At least the screaming wouldn't be out of place."

You were in a white room. The walls were a lot lower than the ceiling, which was just plain weird. You could see a strange creature there, in what looked like pajamas.

"Ah, Twilight, I see that we're dreaming again."

"Mike? Is that you?"

He nodded, looking up only briefly from his manilla folder and coffee.

"You know, we've had this conversation more than once, but you never seem to remember. I suppose that's just the nature of dreams."

"If we're in a dream, doesn't that mean Luna should be here?"

His head snapped up.

"Luna? The Dreamwalker? I thought she was just a legend."

"What? No. I actually know her personally."

"Right, you're a pony princess or whatever. And what type of information can she access exactly? Not as much as I could, hopefully?"

You pondered for a moment and shook your head.

"I honestly am not too familiar with that."

"You know, you were a lot less freaked out by an alien digging around in your head than I would be. So I assume that mind-magic is a common thing in your world?"

"That's going to take a long time to explain."

He shugged. "Well, actually, let's talk about something else for a moment."

He put on what looked like reading glasses.

"Since we're here, is there anything you want me to look at for you? Crushes, unresolved feelings of abandonment, stuff like that?"

You were taken aback. "You know that I never gave you permission to look at any of that, right?"

He smilled a predatory grin. "Aw, well, shucks. I'm not entirely lucid right now, and I have problems following instructions in my dreams. I'll probably forget about that by the time I wake up."

You just sighed. "Is there anything you can find that explains why stallions just don't... like me?"

He shrugged. "Might have something to do with your commitment issues, your lack of confidence, maybe that you have a bit of an inferiority complex relating to the fact that everyone you know is a massive overachiever?"

"You've been researching that for how long?"

He smiled and closed the file he was reading. You read the title as he turned it to face you.

'Magic Information Theory - Starswirl The Bearded'

"I didn't exactly need to read through those files to know that, you know. My interests lie elsewhere."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yes. If you don't believe that you'd make a good partner, how can anyone else?"

Oof.

"When we wake up, can you not remind me of this conversation?"

He nodded. "That's what you said the other two times too."

"So, Mike, how would you improve the security of Equestria?"

"Twilight, I'm on company time."

"So?"

"So of course I'll answer your pony questions while I pretend to be productive."

"Anyways, asides from artillery and small arms, I would probably insert orbital weapons platforms all over low orbit. Since magic doesn't follow conservation of momentum, we can dip a lot lower into the upper atmosphere than on Earth. So that gives you complete real-time footage of the entire planet. Add to that some magical payloads and maybe orbital drop troops, and you can level or take over any city on your planet in hours."

"But wouldn't that require you to station ponies on those platforms? How would they be able to breathe?"

Mike paused for a long time before he spoke again.

"Did you know that it's possible to make an air-tight container?"

"No, Mike, I'm a magical researcher, of course I know that. I was just wondering how you planned to get magical Vital Energy to sustain the crew when it's depleted with every breath?"

Another pause.

"Are you talking about Oxygen?"

"Mike, please. We have the railroad. We know what Oxygen is."

"Oh, goody, I finally get to learn about magic."

You start clip-clopping to find which dusty shelf you left that magical textbook on.

It was about time you could smug on Mike about something.

"Oh, alright. It's just that we had a theory a few hundred years ago called vitalism which held that living beings had a special vital force in their bodies that can't be generated from non-living things. It was dead wrong, which is why I thought you guys were just confused."

"No, Magic Vitality is very different from that."

"Are there any creatures that don't rely on magic? Bacteria possibly?"

You vaguely remember hearing that word before.

"Bacteria? That sounds weird, is the translation spell working properly? I think it's related to small creatures you find under a microscope? Anyways, I think they're a minor curiosity."

"And what do your people think cause disease?"

You pondered for a moment. You took a single medical class in your sophomore year.

"Erm, I think it results from the flow of contagious magic, at least for, well, contagious diseases. The problem is that while a few contagious magics have been identified and are treatable with the right dispells, most are proving difficult to detect or identify."

"Normally, I would say that's full of shit, but I've accepted that pony world-"

"Equestria"

"-is different from Earth. Now, in order to do good bacterial identification, you're going to need a good growth medium. Wait, do ponies have farm animals?"

"Well, yes, but we don't eat them. Remember that any word I use to describe them will just be-"

"Translated to the closest equivalent in my world, I know."

"But common ones are cows, pigs, sheep, chick-"

"Wait, you guys have pigs?"

"Yeah, I knew some from the Apples' farm. Why?"

An uncomfortable pause.

"What do you think happens to pigs on a farm, Twilight?"

"OH NO, MR. PIGGLES!"

Mike chuckled at your disgust.

"Anyways, if you can get some animal blood from the Apples, we can use that as a decent growth medium."

You were close to tears at the sudden revelation. Mike sighed.

"Listen, I know you're not comfortable about this whole thing, but you have to remember how much of a difference we can make. By eliminating major communicable diseases, my people were able to increase our life expectancy by something like 20 years."

You got hold of yourself. Those tears aren't going to help anycreature.

"I have a cousin who died of featherpox, you know. His family was a wealthy noble one living in Canterlot, and they couldn't do anything but watch him fade away."

You thought of little Starstruck and the thousands of little ponies like him who died that year.

"I'll do it. I'll wade through all the blood and guts in Equestria if I save even a single life."

Goddess's Guilt

You were feeling increasingly like you were being pranked. Rarity looked around at your laboratory. The gallons of blood lined up in bottles along your walls weren't lending a good impression.

"Twilight, are you... alright?"

"I'm fine, Rarity. What's going on? You sound concerned,."

"It's just that you've been withdrawn lately and I've been hearing rumors of, ahem, peculiar interests."

"I honestly have no idea what you're talking about." You said with a deadpan expression. One of the bottles behind you fell over with a sloshing clang.

"I spoke to Lyra. We're all so worried about you, Twily."

"That little... ugh!"

You consider explaining to her exactly what has happened, but you doubt she'd believe you any more than Lyra. Only instead of thinking you were lying, Rarity would think that you've gone insane. You didn't want to do this, but now you were going to have to. A special spell that you had (almost) completed, designed to give an avatar to Mike and prove once and for all that he was real.

"Sorry, Mr. Hawk. I know it's not completely checked for safety, but we HAVE to do it it now."

"Whuh?" He sounded like he just woke up. "Twilight, what's going on? Wait, no, is it even done yet? Fuck! I swear to Jesus Fucking Christ, if you fuck me on this, I'm going to make your life a living h-"

There was a bright flash, and then silence.

A glowing orb appeared in front of you. Celestia be praised! The spell worked! You only double-checked the calculations once last night before you went to bed, but it's going to turn out just fine!

"Mike, say hi to Rarity!"

The orb just stood there.

"Mike, I know you're messing with me."

Rarity started to look at you funny.

"Twilight, that's a really pretty spectral projection."

"No, you don't understand! It's not just a projection, it's an avatar for my familiar!"

"The same familiar with those... interests?"

You frowned. "Rarity, he's just messing with you to get back at me."

She was already backing out of your living room slowly.

"I, uh, have some records to return."

"Rarity, please believe me."

And then she was gone.

"What did I just fucking say, Twilight?" Mike exclaimed, as soon as she left.

"That wasn't cool, Mike." You laid down on your cold hardwood floor. "That wasn't cool at all."

"You know what else wasn't cool? Lying to me about your kidnapping attempt."

"Using an untested spell which could have killed me, just so your friends can like you more."

"I'm sorry." You said, defeated.

"I can see why guys don't ask you out. They can probably tell that you're bad news."

And then the orb blinked out of existance. You sighed. It's been a bad day.

The butterfly landed on your nose. You had to cross your eyes to get a good look. You haven't felt this joyful since you were a filly. You were just laughing in a field, free, with some old childhood friends.

"Twilight?" One of them asked.

What was her name again? It's been so long. You felt bad that you couldn't remember.

"Twilight!"

You were in the office again. Mike and Luna were looking at you.

"Are you alright, little one?", Luna said with a faint smile.

You hurried to make yourself presentable, dusting off your coat with your magic. "Princess, I didn't know that you knew about this."

She gave a knowing smile. "I've known since the first night. What kind of guardian would I be if I did not sense otherworldly intrusions?"

Mike grinned. You noticed multiple empty bottles in between the two. "Oh, so I'm an intruder now, am I? You didn't seem to think that way last-"

Luna cleared her throat, seemingly a little embarrassed. "What we're trying to say is that we have made an... agreement to further the futures of our peoples. And we wanted you to witness it."

You looked at the contract in front of you. There were multiple pages, and it was in small print.
"Mike, are we, uh..."

He took a sip from a brown bottle. "We're cool. As long as you promise to think before you act."

He still looked upset. Part of you wondered how much of this you would remember in the morning. You started to read.

You were on the sofa in your living room. It was familiar, but what you felt wasn't. You could feel the warmth of someone else against you.

It was Mike, probably. You were dreaming again. You snuggled yourself against him. You could feel his individual fingers as they stroked your side. It's been a long time since you've been touched like this.

"I don't deserve this."

The stroking stopped.

"What?"

"I said, I don't deserve this. I've treated you like crap since I summoned you, I've lied to you, endangered you, and for what?"

"You don't get touched a lot, I assume?"

You looked up at him. His eyes were filled not with pity, but understanding. You felt like you could tell him anything without being judged.

"I remember when I had sex for the first time."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really? I would have taken you for a virgin."

"Well, he did too. Night Fall, he was called. He made me think that he liked me - liked me a lot. So we went on a date or two, and I loved the way he couldn't keep his hooves off of me. It was so nice to be touched by him. The way we cuddled afterwards was just heavenly. And then, when I woke up, he was gone. I was just another conquest. The saddest part to all that? I still miss him. Because nopony since has made me feel that way."

You squeezed your eyes tight. You didn't want Mike to see you cry. He scratched you behind your ears and gave you a kiss on your horn. "You're like a little sister to me, you know that?"

Oof.

"I don't mind us doing this. But Jesus, yeah, you need to go on a date. I actually spoke to Luna earlier about that, and there's more than a few interested."

You felt an ear swivel towards him. "You promised me that you wouldn't get involved in my personal life."

"Well, this is starting to affect our working relationship."

You sighed and rubbed your face against his shirt as he held you tight. You really hoped he couldn't feel your tears through that.

"So, Twilight, how exactly are they explaining all this new knowledge in your world? I reckon they're not just coming out and saying that your familiar is feeding it to you, right?"

You shook your head. "Well, officially, it's suppose to be extradimensional beings who only communicate with the Diarchs. Unofficially, I've also happened to make a few breakthroughs in my own time."

"Hun." He scratched his chin in thought. "And how are you handling the situation with your friends?"

"Well, they're taking the whole familiar thing a lot more seriously now. Although to be honest, most of them don't know what to think. I've been behaving pretty strangely over the past month."

"Well, let's put their minds to rest, and finally work on that project I recommended, shall we?"

Mike's been bothering you about a magical computing machine ever since he appeared in your head.

It would at least give you an excuse to your friends for why you've been acting so weird. Magic exhaustion, theorycrafting, and all that.

"And why exactly should that take priority over potentially life-saving projects? Your people hardly have a lack of computers."

"Well, firstly, equal exchange."

You frowned. Both of you know that Equestria has been getting the better end of the bargin for a while now - the one field where your people were ahead in, magic, was literally useless on Earth.

"And secondly, if magic has a faster speed than light, we can built far faster computers even with a lower level of technology."

You groaned. You've been putting that off too. Just planning an experiment to calculate the speed of magic gives you headaches.

"I don't know why, but you're about to give me a lecture on how that'll be the most useful thing ever, aren't you?"

"Nope. I'm going to give you a lecture on how logic gates can be used to make an adder, a basic unit of computing."

Your ears perked up. That actually sounded pretty interesting

Luna always tried to pry the secrets of Earth weapons technology from you, and you always managed to turn it into a history lesson instead. At some point she was going to get pissed and rip them from your mind, but thus far, she was captivated by your stories.

"You know, one of the fundemental rules of economics is that money doesn't stay on the ground for long. That's perhaps why the invention of the Minnie Ball was so surprising."

Luna looked slightly confused. "But didn't you just say it's intuitive in hindsight? And so simple, too." You nodded.

"I meant it was surprising that it wasn't invented earlier. Rifling had existed for centuries prior, and the biggest problem with them is the long reload times due to the tight fit needed between bullet and barrel."

"And the Minnie Ball was an intuitive solution that vastly increased the effectiveness of the weapon. I think I'm starting to understand now."

"We honestly invented them around the same time as railroads. So in a way, they wouldn't be out of place in Equestria"

Luna thought for a moment. "Why is it that you are so reluctant to share weapons with us, Mike? We can't harm your world, after all, and our good will can only benefit you and your people."

You were honestly hoping to avoid this particular talk.

"Well, it has to do with stability and creative destruction. Technology doesn't just make obsolete older technology, but also older societies. Either through evolution or revolution, much of what you hold sacred will be destroyed."

She gave you a look of worry as you continued.

"You know they're going to figure it out eventually, right?"

The two of you were in some blue pony's mind as she dream about a beach date with her beloved. It reminded you of better, less pandemic times. Luna turned to you with her poker face. You stared her in the eyes.

"I asked Twilight to memorize some Equestrian census data. It goes back a hundred years."

You pulled a yellow folder from your suit pocket and flipped through the sheets.

"A hundred years. Stable demographics, no major wars or famine, only a few epidemics, of which a single one had a fatality rate above 5%."

She gave a soft smile. "We do our best. Although to be fair, it was almost entirely Celestia's doing. I was... occupied with other affairs."

"A lie of ommision is still a lie, you know."

A flash of annoyance came across her face. "We both know about the Nightmare Moon affair. We both know that you know. Can we please-"

"I was actually talking about the miscarriages."

Her eyes opened in shock. Gotcha.

"Yeah, sorry, the demographics don't make a lick of sense. Almost exactly replacement level reproduction over the course of millenia? That shit might fly where you're from, but I went to college for data analysis. Mathematically, that's impossible. Impossible unless something was killing of scores of ponies before they were born."

"W-well, perhaps ponies are just more responsible at reproduction."

She looked like she just got caught in a bear trap. Her fibbing was honestly a little sad.

"And in that case, subgroups within Equestria that DO have more children will eventually make up the majority, and we're stuck with the same problem."

"If that's so true, then how are humans able to avoid such overpopulation? You've also had centuries of prosperity and peace, have you not?"

You smiled. "A century and a half for Europe. And that's still far less than a millenia. Beside, we have the birth control pill, and you don't."

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Wait, you said you only had a century of our-"

"I had a hunch, and I bluffed. Turns out I was right."

She looked at you for what seemed like minutes. A beach ball came flying towards the two of you, rolling to a stop not far from your feet. The couple waved at you, and you kicked it back with a smile.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone."

Luna laid down in the sand and gave a deep sigh. A cloud of sand flew away from her snout.

"It's our greatest sin, our darkest sacrifice, and perhaps our deepest regret."

You shrugged and ran your hand through her mane. "Honestly, it was probably the least bad choice. The others-"

That turned her angry in an instant. "How could you even say that! You're not the one who had to pay the price!"

You looked away for a moment. "My sister had a lot of miscarriages over the past few years. I've heard that she's stopped trying."

You saw the stalion running after the beach ball, which was now drifting deeper and deeper into the ocean.

"I'm only bringing this up because your people are going to have to make a lot of these hard choices in the future, as will mine."

She looked at you with concern. "What are you implying, Mike?"

"They're going to figure it out, and probably soon, with all this new math flying around. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Twilight manages to do it first."

"Oh."

"What are you going to say?"

She closed her eyes. They were starting to get damp. "I don't know."

"Since we're already here, can you tell me what criteria you used to induce the miscarriages, or were they entirely random? And why miscarriages, why not just use magic to decrease ovulation or something?"

She looked towards the couple on the beach, who had taken to cuddling in the warm sun, their beachball forgotten and drifting deeper into the sea.

"We can sense the magical essence of foals not long after conception. We can't know for sure, but we can guess at their personality traits when grow, maybe even what cutie marks they might have. We started with the type likely to be violent criminals. Then those likely to be political radicals. Two hundred years ago, we started to bias our selections to promote those mostly able to cooperate and live in harmony."

Two hundred years? Wait...

"That was when the physical characteristics of ponies began to change, wasn't it?"

She nodded. "Their foalish traits began to presist into adulthood. Bigger eyes, shorter limbs, they became more calm and less angry-"

You felt your hairs stand on end. Those traits sounded startlingly familiar. It was the same changes that happened when dogs became wolves.

"You domesticated a sapient population."

Holy shit.

"And when they noticed, you just told them it was due to some magical mystery beyond their understanding."

She looked away shamefully. "By that point, ponies asked less questions and trusted us more. It wasn't difficult."

"Tell me more."

It probably didn't feel too good to have your biggest piece of dirty laundry discovered and taken apart by an alien scientist. Luna honestly looked like shit. Tears streaming down her face, as she confessed to you her sins. A part of you liked her. The other part is genuinely concerned she might try to lobotomize you to keep her secret.

"Your people are close, you know, to genetic theory. I think a griffon scientist published a treatise on the subject a few years ago, although it was mostly ignored. The truth is going to come out sooner or later. Probably sooner. I think you should come out ahead of the vultures. That would give you a head start on the narrative."

Her eyes turned towards you while her head remained still. Both of you can feel the telling signs of a dream ending. The stallion was still ignoring the two of you while the mare was stairing, curious to the intruders in her dream. You didn't know how far Luna would go to keep her secrets, so you needed to remember this one. She would probably be able to bullshit you next time if she had time to prepare. You took a kitchen knife out of your pant pocket.

Luna's eyes lit up in surprise as you stabbed it into your thigh. The pain felt impossibly real, but you didn't feel the normal physical effects of massive pain. Your heart wasn't pumping, your limbs weren't shaking, and you can still think clearly.

"Until next time, Princess Luna."

And then, you opened your eyes in bed. You could hear Twilight's cheerful voice in your head.

"So, how did the meeting with Princess Luna go?"

You closed off your mental connection with her and walked to your kitchen. You needed to report in Zoom for your job in two hours, and you didn't feel like sleeping any more. You still didn't know what, if anything, you were going to tell Twilight.

Author's Note

When Luna says "we biased our selections 200 years ago" she's using the royal we. By that, she really means Celestia. Neither of them are suppose to be villians here, just people forced to choose between multiple bad options.

Poker Night

"So. Twilight, how was your date?"

Twilight smiled. Her cheer honestly felt infectious. "Great, actually! We have so much in common... Did you know that he's a published cartographer? Some of his-"

It was nice that she was happy, but you mostly tuned out the specifics. Seriously, cartography?

"So, what have you been up to lately, Mike? I got the sense that your meeting with Luna didn't go well."

Oh, right, that. Luckily, you were great at improv. "Yeah, some weird sex stuff happened in another pony's dream we were visiting. I don't want to talk about it."

"Riiight...."

"Anyways, I think I figured out why your planet is advancing so much slower than mine."

Her ears perked up. How cute. "Is my theory that magic reliance has slowed down the natural sciences correct? It was about time that I made an original contribution to Equestrian science!"

"Nope. I've been going through the demographics of your planet, and it turns out to be much lower than my planet."

"But that shouldn't matter, right? I mean, the most advanced nation, Equestria, has a pretty average population density. Raw numbers of creatures aren't what make scientific progress."

"See, that's where you're wrong. Equestria has a population of a little over 5 million. The griffons have something like 800 thousand. Your entire planet has fewer sapient beings in it than Tokyo. And don't you see the obvious problem with your statement? Scientific discoveries are made by people. The more scientists there are, the faster discoveries are made."

"Hun." That really got your noggin' a-joggin'. "So, you said that the population of your planet was a few hundred million before your industrial revolution?"

"Yup. And as our population increased..."

Something clicked in her head. "So did your rate of scientific progress. Wow. I think I need to write a paper on this."

"After you dictate the book, of course. Ghost writing is definitely a step up from furry smut, I would say."

"Your people certainly have a lot of problems, Mike. Why can't you just put the right people in charge at the top? Don't you change leaders every few years anyways? Surely a few moral and capable Presidents would be able to fix everything, right?"

"Well, have you considered the possibility that a system composed entirely of well-meaning people can still act malevolently as a whole?"

This was one of his shitty riddles, wasn't it?

"No. Our entire political philosophy is based on the idea that each pony has a single other pony they report to directly. The mayor reporting to the governor, who reports to the Princess, and so on. The Princesses keep only the most capable and honest administrators below them, who do the same, all the way down to the mailpony. As long as the top remain uncorrupted, it's difficult for evil to sink in, and easy for it to be removed."

He paused for a long moment to gather his thoughts.

"In the Ancient Mediteranian, there was once an empire called Carthage. It was built on trade. Well, trade and war.:

"Was? What happened to it?"

"Actually not important in this story. Anyways, they worshiped gods that often demanded bloody sacrifices, and one of them, Moloch, was both powerful and demanded the burning alive of one's children in exchange for his blessing."

"What? Are you fucking with me again, Mike?"

"Actually, no. Human sacrifice was pretty common back then. Although the part about one's own children was actually really uncommon. We're not sure how reliable the historical sources are, but I digress."

You really hope it was a misinterpretation of something normal, like cremation or something. That's messed up, even by Earth's standards.

"Anyways, imagine that Carthage went to war. In exchange for victory in the war, the nobles of Carthage could each sacrifice their first-born son. It's nasty, but not near as nasty as what might happens if they were to lose - in that case, a lot more than just a single child would die."

"And first-born sons are the most likely to die in a war anyways. I think I understand the logic."

It was really really disturbing, but if it were real...

You could honestly see some of the old Equestrian precursor states actually doing that. You shivered involuntarily.

"Did that actually work? Was Moloch real?"

"Nope, and no."

You're not sure if that made things better or worse.

"Now imagine if both sides of a war both worshiped Moloch."

"Uh, neither side has a theological advantage so... Oh."

They would be killing their children for nothing. And if either side stopped doing it... they would lose, and lose everything. You were starting to feel sick. All that death and suffering, and for nothing!

"But that could be solved with things like treaties and mutual agreements... right?"

"Maybe. Some of the time. We do have international agreements to not deploy certain weapons in war, and to avoid targeting civilian populations when possible."

You mind kept drifiting back to the image of human foals, suffering in the agony of fire and parental betrayal.

"Mike? What happened to the Carthage?"

"They were defeated by their rival Rome in a series of wars. Carthage itself was badly looted, and most of its people were killed or enslaved."

"Can you explain how this explains a dysfunctional political system?"

"Well, let's just say that some times, we try to make decisions that, while they benefit us as individuals, they harm society as a whole. Even worse, there are some coordination problems where everyone wants to switch to something that will make everyone better off, but can't because the first person who does harms both themselves and everyone as a whole."

"What changes would make things worse every step of the way, but suddenly make things better at the end? That doesn't make any sense!"

"I thought you were a librarian? Well, imagine that someone invented a better way of organizing books, so that it was easier for both the workers and visitors to find things."

"Is there? Not going to matter much since I'm going to be quitting soon, but I'm still curious."

"You're quitting? I thought you liked that job."

"Yeah, well, culturing bacteria and learning statistics is taking up way too much of my time. I'm technically still on vacation."

"Anyways, the first library to switch to that new system is just going to confuse everyone, and make things even harder to find, as will the second library, and so on."

"But by the time you get to the majority, everyone is better off."

"But no one person can make things better just by themselves. If they try to change things, everyone is actually worse off."

Despite the wonders of Mike's world, there were times you were grateful to live in Equestria.

"What if there was a single power who could, say, order the libraries to do this? Maybe a Princess of some sort?"

"Do you really see Celestia caring enough to micromanage which filing system her libraries use?"

Oof. It mattered to you, but from her perspective? Mike was probably right.

"Oh, speaking of tyrants, have you been thinking over the theory of evolution we talked about last night? Specifically the part about livestock domestication?"

So much to do and yet so little time...

"You look concerned, Luna."

She took a bite of the meatballs and looked pleasantly surprised. "Mmmm... salty."

You turned the handle on the sink absentmindedly and was unpleasantly surprised by a splash of water. Damn it. Dream logic can have a mind of its own, especially if it's in a busy IKEA.

She laughed a little, before going back to her regal poker face. "Well, I've brought it up with Sister, and she just didn't seem concerned. Said it was just variation in the numbers, or maybe it was differences in how the data was collected. But I've been thinking over what you've been teaching me about genetics, and I'm.... nervous about this recent rise in suicide rates."

An Asian family walked by the two of you. You smiled at the fact that they weren't wearing masks.

"Well, what exactly were you guys selecting for, say, 20 years before this started?"

She paused in thought for a few seconds.

"Well, Celestia'd thought that aggression and friendliness were at about the right levels, and were experimenting with other traits. I think intelligence and pair-bonding... I actually had a little fight with Celestia about that last one when I returned."

"Pair-bonding?"

Luna blushed a little. You had no idea how that's physically possible with her dark fur.

"Well, ponies aren't perfect. Cheating and divorce aren't rare among my people."

Ahh, things were starting to make sense. "And you thought that by making couples fall in love harder you could avoid that?"

She shook her head.

"Firstly, I disagreed about the whole thing. I always thought that romantic drama was part of what made us grow, the spice of life, if you will."

You thought back to your girlfriend from Sophomore year.

Slut.

"And secondly, she was trying to make the bond more permanent, with less unrequited feelings, things like that."

"And you're surprised that made ponies commit suicide at higher rates? Luna, I minored in biology. I know how pair bonding works. I've seen it in animals, read papers about it. In those with strong enough pair bonding, a male that loses its partner doesn't find another - it just refuses to eat, enters a deep depression, and dies."

Her ears tilted back. You gave her a gentle pat on her neck. She's so cute when she's sad. "Actions have consequences. You say that a lot, and it's true. We acted without full understanding of what we were doing, and now our subjects are paying the price."

You sighed and took another bite of the meatball.

"It's understandable, really. We want love to be simple, to be easy, but our biology consipires against us every step of the way. Those who philandered had more children than those who didn't. Evolution is a shitty god."

The two of you remained silent for a few minutes, until a little girl came up to you. "Hiya, mister! Can I pet the pony?"

You looked expectantly towards Luna. "Ah, no, sorry, little one. I have important business elsewhere. It has been a fruitful meeting, Mike. Until next time."

You woke up and looked at your alarm clock. It was 4:22 AM.

Fuck.

"Remember when I reminded you that this relationship we have has benefited you a lot more than it has me?"

You pushed as much sarcasm into your voice as you could manage. "No, Mike. It's not like you mention it every chance you get. Need I remind you that I've spent 20 hours over the past week working on your magical computer?"

"Well, I finally have an idea that doesn't involve written smut."

You mumbled a praise to Celestia that you wouldn't need to do that any more.

"Remember when I offered to help you cheat at chess, and you turned me down?"

"That's not how I remember that conversation going down, but sure."

"How about we do things the other way around? Once you have a computer built, I'll be able to cheat at a great number of things completely undetectably."

You scoffed. Your recent obsession with machine game playing is starting to pay off.

"Enough that it looks organic to a Grandmaster? Good luck. It'll be insanely sketchy. And that's assuming I can build a computer that can manage that on my side. I've watched those computer chip documentories too, you know, and there is no way I can match transistor sizes without an infrastructure bigger than the entirety of an industrialized Equestria."

"Yeah, but that's chess, and I was thinking of casinos."

You felt your ears tilt involuntarily foward. This was going to be good. "What did you have in mind?"

"Statistical analysis of roulette wheels, card counting at blackjack, and you feeding me statistical analysis in poker games. Or maybe Luna helping me read bluffs."

"I'm actually not too familiar with poker, but those sound like great ideas! Why haven't you tought of them before?"

"I did, but I've been in FUCKING LOCKDOWN FOR GOD DAMN MONTHS, FUCK!"

Mike had been getting increasingly upset about the whole lockdown thing as of late. You made a note to ignore it unless it escalated.

"Sorry, I'm a bit frustrated. Anyways, I'm a decent player, but Luna kicks my ass in every game we've had since I've taught her the rules. And since we can't do it on my side, why don't we give it a shot on yours? You have casinos in horse land, right?"

"Well, Cadance is holding a charity dinner this weekend. There's going to be poker. We'll even be able to cash out if we win."

"Sounds good. Now all we have to do is prepare."

You saw Cadance giving you the stinkeye.

Fucking pink slut, if I weren't so drunk, I would walk over there and give you a piece of my mind. You looked down at your cards briefly, and forgot about them seconds later.

"Raise five big blinds." You heard Mike say into your head.

"What's five big blinds?" You asked out lound.

Blueblood chuckled a little.

"That's 50, Princess. That's brave, really, and I admire that."

You smiled a little and pushed in the chips. Blueblood complemented you!

Mike's voice popped into your head. "Yeah, he's trying to trick you into bet more. Be careful."

You saw a 5, an 8, and a king for the flop. They were all red. If you don't know what cards you have, and don't know what you're doing, there is no way they can read you, right?

"Alright, raise 40."

You did, and Starlight folded her small blind. Blueblood stared at you for a whole minute.

"I'll raise you another 40." He said with growing intensity.

"Should I go all-in?"

"I would go half, Twilight, and stop talking out loud."

Blueblood looked increasingly uncomfortable now.

You think you were winning.

He swallowed his drink hard before speaking.

"Buck it, I'm all-in."

"I call."

Rarity coughed politely. "Sorry, dear, but I haven't gone yet. And I fold. This is getting too rich for my blood."

"Like I said, I call."

Blueblood and you revealed your cards, and you frowned.

"Aww, fuck, you had a pair of kings? Well, there goes my Princess money for the last two months."

Blueblood looked at you with disgust, and got up for some reason after the next two cards landed.

Rarity started laughing. "Dear, you got a heart flush on the flop. Flush beats three-of-a-kind."

"Yay! I won!"

"I think I made the right call with the suited Ace-King deal. Nice job, Twilight!"

The jumping you've been doing was upsetting your stomach though, and you ran towards the bathroom.

Cadance wrinkled her nose at you when you came out of the stall. "Twilight, you're ruining my charity dinner. Please go home before you make an even bigger fool of yourself. I'm saying this as your friend."

You got up on your hind legs and wrapped both of your front legs around her neck for support. She pulled her head as far away from your vomit-crusted mouth as she physically could.

"Cadance, you're bucking hot, I ever tell you that? I mean, if you weren't married to my brother, I would probably ask you out or something. Pretty sure that you're into girls too, right? As things are, you're still my friend, and I love you. As a friend. I know that ponies call you a slut or whatever, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that."

You can hear Mike choking back laughter, and you started to laugh too. "I honestly think ponies are just jealous of the great sex you have with Shining. He tells me that you make him happy, or complete him and other mushy stuff like that. And that you do anal. I've never done anal. Is it really that good?"

"Say that you haven't tried because strap-ons are too expensive."

"Hehe. And strap-ons are expensive. Or something. Anyways, goodnight, Princess Candance."

You levitate yourself to give her a smooch on the lips.

It was hard to do, because she pushed her back against a wall, but you manage it despite her protests and gagging.

You felt elated as you walked back to your table. "We have to do this again some time", Mike said. You couldn't agree more.

"Why in Celestia's name did you let me do all of that? I've embarrassed myself infront of half the Royal Court!"

"You need to be more specific than that."

"Alright, let's start with why I woke up in bed with my ex-boyfriend!"

"You know, that's one thing I actually tried to talk you out of. Now I can't get the sounds out of my head."

"It's not funny", you mumbled.

"It actually really is. You're responsible for your own actions, you know. You told me last night that you were capable of making your own decisions, and there was nothing I could do to stop you anyways."

Hun. You did remember saying something like that.

"Well, I'm not used to drinking that much, and there are big gaps in my memory. Is there anything else I don't remember? I'd ask my brother, but he's been ignoring me for some reason. I think I blacked out after Blueblood left the table."

"Well, you puked, kissed your sister in law, said that you had a crush on her, teleported to your ex's house after you realized it was cringe, said some more cringe, and got shoved into a shower. I kinda started playing metal music to drown out the sounds after that, but I do distinctly remember a lot of squeaking sounds. Like a dog toy or something."

"A dog toy? But Flash doesn't own a dog."

"I honestly thought you would be more upset about the Cadance thing, but horses for courses, I guess."

"That doesn't even make any sense." It took you a moment to process his statement. "Wait, I did WHAT to Cadance?"

Spike walked into your room right as you said that. He sniffed the air before recoiling slightly in disgust.

"Uh, Twilight? Are you alright? You smell like a night of bad decisions."

"Can you leave me alone for a few hours? My head still hurts."

The little dragon drops some parchment onto the floor before back away. "Well, I have a few urgent letters from Cadance and Celestia. What's a 'degenerate'?"

Mike did a poor job at pretending to not be amused.