No, Seriously, Why The Hay Did I Even Write This?!
View Online
Equestria Gets Taken Over By The Cheesiest Villain Ever!
No, Seriously, Why The Hay Did I Even Write This?!
Equestria is all beautiful and sunshine and stuff. Especially in Canterlot. Ponies are trotting around on all four hooves, and Princess Twilight is sitting on her haunches, reading a nice book, as Spike just stands next to her, reading the list of things to do, while nodding and letting out an occasional chuckle.
Suddenly, a Royal Guard breaks through the door, running towards Princess Twilight in a hurry. Spike looks up from his ~~hidden comic~~ to-do list, while Twilight poofs the book she was reading out of existence... for now, at least.
"PRINCESS TWILIGHT! SOMETHING IS WRONG! SOME EVIL CREATURE IS ON ITS WAY HERE!" the guard shouts, kneeling before his better.
Twilight gasps. "Oh, no! How long do we have to prepare?!"
"I don't know, Your Highness! It was approaching fast, though, so we don't have much time!"
Suddenly a large purple eldritch abomination crashes through the walls, and approaches Princess Twilight. She glares at it and conjures up a scroll, then pops it on the top of the head.
"HEY! No, Cthulhu! What did I say about you using the wall as a door?!" she lectures. The creature screams in terror before flying out the nearest window.
It didn't want another one of Princess Twilight's lectures! Those things could even give dragons nightmares! Just ask her assistant, Spike!
Princess Twilight rolls her eyes. "Ugh! Again with the windows?! Those things don't grow on trees, you know!"
"Hello, Princess..." an evil manly voice emerges, as the doors slowly opened again.
Princess Twilight looks at the evil intruder and her pupils shrink like pinpricks.
There, rolling towards them, is a small roll of cheese that somehow learned how to be alive, and most importantly, evil.
Princess Twilight begins to shake intensely, as the roll of cheese continues to roll towards her, because that's just how he rolls.
"It's so... GOUDA... to see you!" The Cheeseroll tells her. The guard covers his ears and cringes.
Princess Twilight screams in terror and runs the opposite way Cthulhu ran, then jumps out the nearest window. She needs to fly to Ponyville to get her friends!
Spike just shrugs his shoulders and gets back to reading his ~~hidden comic~~ to-do list.
The Cheese rolls onto the throne and picks up the Twi Cane with its cheesy mind powers.
The guard looks at The Cheese, but bows his head in fear when The Cheese shouts at him.
"I AM NOW THE NEW RULER, IN QUESO YOU DIDN'T KNOW!"
"Oh, no!" the guard cries out, not wanting to hear another cheese pun, but unable to deny its inevitability.
"You better Brie-Lieve it!" The Cheese says, before starting to glow using his magical powers. He then looks at the Twi Cane and uses his magic to speak to Princess Twilight and her friends.
Meanwhile, back in Ponyville...
"So, let me get this straight!" Rarity begins, as Princess Twilight and the others sit around the Map Table. Applejack and Rainbow Dash stop making out and glare at her.
"Hey, we're not straight!" they say in unison.
Ignoring her friends' irrelevant remarks, Rarity continues.
"... A piece of cheese showed up from out of nowhere, whose description text addressed it as, and I quote, 'The Cheese'..." she continues, as Princess Twilight's ears fold back. She's brushing her own tail for comfort, while Pinkie Pie looks sympathetically at her and brushes the back of her mane.
"... And he frightened you enough to come get us to help?" she concludes. When Princess Twilight nods her head, she sighs. "Okay, Darling. What can we do to help?"
A man clears his throat in the background. "You know, ladies, I could probably help with-"
They all turn and glare at the resident human with a green question marked face. "Shh! Not now, Anon! Important Friendship Matters to tend to!"
He shrugs his shoulders and heads off to the entrance. "Alright, fine! I'll just go find some more local mothers to bang!"
"STAY AWAY FROM CLOUDSDALE!" Rainbow Dash warns.
He smiles at her. "Just got back from there, actually!"
She throws a random Wonder Bolts Trophy at him, but he dodges it with his epic ninja moves. He then tosses a smoke bomb on the ground, which shoots out a burst of smoke that only goes up to his knees, and runs away very quickly, while thinking he's invisible, now.
"Anyways... we need to think of a plan!" Princess Twilight states. Her friends nod in agreement.
"Heh... it CHEDDAR be a GOUDA plan, then!" comes the evil voice of The Cheese, keeping them from coming up with a plan. A holographic image of him shows up in the middle of the table.
"Oh, no! His Cheese Puns have been doubled!" Princess Twilight cries out in terror.
"Don't worry, girls! He's still in Canterlot, and can't hurt us!" Pinkie Pie tells them, since she can sense The Cheese's presence still being on the throne in Canterlot.
The Cheese laughs, however, and looks at her.
"I STILTON can reach you! All I Mozza-REALLY need is for one of you Mascar-PONIES to think of a new body for me to reach GODHOOD with!"
Rainbow Dash chuckles. "Oh, yeah?! Well that's easy! Quick, girls, don't think about anything! It's what I do all the time!"
"... I now have a new form selected! It totally ROQUEFORTS!" he concludes, before vanishing from the table.
"What the hay?! Now WHO in tarnation thought of a body fer the dern villain?!" Applejack angrily asks the group.
"Not me, Darling! I was too busy brushing my mane! Wait, what's going on, again?" Rarity asks as she puts down her mirror and brush.
"Not me, sillies! I only think about the concepts of parties, which don't have a specific body involved!" Pinkie Pie says, now standing upside-down on her mane, and bouncing around for no reason.
"I-I'm too scared to t-t-think..." Fluttershy says quietly.
"Hmm... well Ah know RAINBOW DASH don't think none, an' I sure as hay didn't!" Applejack says, patting her marefriend on the back.
"Then that means..." Rarity begins, before all eyes slowly turn towards Princess Twilight, who's literally looking like Fluttershy right now.
Fluttershy then looks behind her back and moves out of the way. It turns out the reason why, is because Princess Twilight was hiding behind Fluttershy for protection.
"Twilight..." they all say in annoyance.
Princess Twilight smiles sheepishly. "I couldn't help it... it... it k-kinda just... popped into my mind?"
Applejack rushes over to her and places her hooves on her shoulder. "Well, spit it out, then, Twi! What the hay didja think about?! WHO the hay didja think about?!"
Princess Twilight pulls her friend into a hug and cries. "I-IT'S AWFUL! TERRIBLE! THE... T-THE MOST HORRIBLE CREATURE IN THE WORLD!"
Then the walls to the castle begin to crumble, before a massive pair of shadowy gloved digits lift the entire castle up, leaving the floor attached to the ground, though, for the ponies to look up at their new adversary.
Applejack face-hoofs, and glares at her lavender alicorn friend.
"Yer... YER JOKIN' RIGHT?! SERIOUSLY, TWILIGHT?! THAT'S THE HORRIBLE CREATURE YA THOUGHT ABOUT?!"
"B-BUT HE'S HORRIBLE! HE'S TERRIBLE! HIS... HIS NAME LITERALLY HAS CHEESE IN IT!"
Meanwhile, several hundred miles away, a robed, yellow coated, scrawny party planner flops his ears and raises an eyebrow at it.
"Hey! Somepony's using my name in vain!"
The mares all look up in terror, as the new threat starts to laugh. It grips them all in its gloved hand, and lifted them up so they can see its evil, evil smiling face.
It wears a pair of red shoes, blue jeans, and a purple shirt with a cheesy letter "C" on it.
"It's... i-it's... IT'S CHUCK E CHEESE!" Twilight screams, squirming in his hand, yet unable to escape with her friends.
Chuck E Cheese lets out another laugh. He then speaks so loudly, the world around him shakes. "THAT'S RIGHT, PRINCESS! NOW, I'D HATE TO BREAK THIS SENT-EMMENTAL REUNION SHORT, BUT I COULDN'T JUST WATCH THIS WORLD TURN TO CHEESE A-PROV-ALONE! SO NOW, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL ALL BEAR WITNESS TO-"
Before Chuck E Cheese could finish his sentence, though, a random shoe flies up from behind him and bonks him on his head. He turns around and glares at Anon the Human. He crosses his arms, bemused.
Anon points at Chuck E Cheese and glares at him back in response. "HEY! LET THOSE MARES GO, YOU MUENSTER!"
All the ponies in Ponyville, including the captured main 6 groan and roll their eyes at him. "Ugh... you know what? On second thought, just kill us, please." Rainbow Dash tells their captor. The others agree, even the background ponies in Ponyville, who all stopped running around in terror upon hearing Anon's terrible attempt at a cheese pun to plant their faces in their hooves.
"Well screw you all, it's funny!" Anon whines, before shaking his head. "Anyways, regardless of that, you're not the only one with a powerful weapon below his belt! For you see, I HAVE NOW SLEPT WITH THE MOST POWERFUL MOMS IN THE WORLD... THE ONES THAT RAISED THE BEARERS OF HARMONY, THEMSELVES!"
Every creature, even Chuck E Cheese, just deadpan at him, while Applejack looks at him confused. "Mah mother's dead! How tha hay didja..."
From the castle's top balcony, Granny Smith steps out and stretches her back, dressed in a bathrobe. This makes Applejack's face start to turn red with anger. Her redness only intensifies when Granny Smith gives Anon a wink and a smile, waving at him from the railing.
"ANON, YA SICK BASTARD! YA RUTTED WITH MAH GRANNY?!" she shouts, to which several faces in Ponyville turn green. Many hooves cover their mouths in disgust at the human, but he only crosses his arms and smiles triumphantly.
"I did! For you see, AJ, your mother is dead, so I had to improvise when it came down to your side of the tree!" he says, before slipping on a pair of nerdy, thick-rimmed glasses. He picks up a piece of chalk from a chalkboard that appeared out of nowhere beside him, and he starts to draw diagrams and advanced arithmetic symbols on it, all while suddenly being dressed in a Lab Coat.
"So I did a few calculations, adjusted a few parameters to my usual schedule, and thought it to be hopeless at that point... but then, after itching my nuts for a good ten seconds, a sudden realization dawned upon me! Since your mother died while you were still young, that means your primary mother figure while growing up played an even greater part in your life than your mother, herself! And that mother figure was, without a doubt..." He then slams his hand on a desk that also suddenly appeared, while now dressed in a blue lawyer suit. He points at the balcony and shouts, "GRANNY SMITH!"
Applejack, now wearing a red lawyer jacket, recoils from her desk in shock. "ACK! I-IT CAN'T BE!"
Anon then slams both hands on the desk and nods his head. "And then you must also consider the evidence of your Birth Certificate, along with your mother's and father's! This not only means that Granny Smith was your mother, but also your father's mother!" He points at Applejack, hammering the final nail in the coffin. "THIS MEANS THAT SHE STILL COUNTS AS A MOTHER!"
Applejack flies back and falls below her desk, now defeated in the argument. "T-there's... th-there's no counter-argument ta that!"
Anon, now dressed in his usual white t-shirt and blue jeans, places his hands on his hips and smiles victoriously. "And that is how you win an argument!"
Confetti blasts from all around them, while some of the ponies of Ponyville cheer for no apparent reason.
Then Applejack tilts her head in confusion, now once more trapped with her friends in Chuck E Cheese's hand. "Wait a sec! What the hay does that have ta do with anythin'?!"
Anon, unfazed by her question, puts on a pair of gangster-looking, black 8-bit shades and reaches his hands behind his back. "Simple, my friend! Now with the power of Mother Loving on my side, I can fully control... THIS!"
Then, he reveals a metal remote with none other than the notorious "Red Button" on it. Like a boss, he presses said Red Button, and the ground below him quakes.
A big puff of smoke emerges, and he somehow vanishes from within the smoke... only for a colossal being just as tall as Chuck E Cheese to rise up from the smoke.
Blue metal head to spiky red metal shoulders, yellow arms, gray and green legs, and being badass enough to wear a jetpack AND rocket boots at the same time, a massive freakin' robot humanoid enters the fray, with Anon in its headpiece. In the center of its crotch area, there's a big pink circle with the words "UR MOM HERE" above it, and arrows pointing at said circle.
Despite this, though, all the mares of Ponyville stare up at it in awe, even the Main 6, and they all start to drool. The stallions glare at it in envy, knowing there's no way they can compete.
After all, regardless of race and origin, it's an established fact that chicks dig GIANT FREAKIN' ROBOTS!
The robot then flares his hands towards Chuck E Cheese, and strikes an epic pose that makes all the pegasus wings shoot out, and all the unicorn horns spark a bit in excitement.
"BE AMAZED, FOR YOU NOW STAND AGAINST THE KING OF AWESOME!" Anon shouts to Chuck E Cheese, who's still looking at him bored.
"OH? WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE I AM A GOD!" he replies in an equally loud voice.
Anon's robot's hands start to glow, as he prepares to fire his wicked awesome laser beams (because what robot's complete without them?) at the giant mouse.
"THEN TOO BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE I AM AN ATHEIST! AND I WILL NOT BOW BEFORE Y-"
Laser beams immediately shoot from Chuck E Cheese's eyes, and melt the giant freakin' robot into a big puddle of liquid cheese. Anon lies in the middle of it, staring up at the sky in shock, as his one-way ticket to getting asked to get laid now lies in cheesy, albeit very tasty, ruins.
He lets out a breathless whine, while Chuck E Cheese looks down at him, taunting him with his smile.
"ARE YOU A BELIEVER, NOW?" he asks.
Anon nods his head and mumbles, "Mm-hmm..." A single, solitary tear falls down his cheek.
"GOOD! WELL, THEN... NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY, I CAN FINALLY-"
Suddenly a pony-sized slipper hits him in the back of his head, and he turns around, growing even more frustrated.
"SERIOUSLY?! WHAT NOW?!" he shouts, only for the Mother 5 and Granny Smith to be standing there in a large field, glaring daggers at the gigantic mouse creature.
"YA HURT OUR STUDMUFFIN', YA DAMN VARMINT! NOW YER GONNA HAVE TA PAY THE PRICE!" Granny Smith shouts.
Chuck E Cheese grins at them wickedly, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a massive wallet. He opens it up and tilts it upside-down.
"SORRY, SWEETIES! I'VE ALREADY BOUGHT MYSELF ANOTHER CRAPPY COMMERCIAL WITH THE MONEY I HAD!"
Granny Smith's glare gets even darker, as she and the mothers all join hooves together and start to glow.
"THEN IN THAT CASE, YA GONNA HAVE TO BE STOPPED!" Granny Smith states.
"YEAH!" the mothers all shout, before another large smoke pile appears. This time, though, the sheer awesome power of their awesomeness manages to blow Chuck E Cheese back, forcing his feet to slide a few buildings away.
Then, another giant freakin' robot emerges, standing a head over Chuck E Cheese, ears included.
This one is almost all pink, and bears two hooves instead of feet, and two arms instead of forehooves. It has a pony-like face, and two blue circles on its chest, with the words "MILK FACTORY" written below them. It also has a blue circle on its crotch with the words "BABY MAKER" written above it, and two circles on the opposite side of its crotch, with the words "DADDY'S TROPHY" written above those.
Not only that, but this giant freakin' robot is Anthro. This giant freakin' robot is so Anthro, that the FimFiction Board demands that this story gets an Anthro tag put on this otherwise non-anthro story. Yeah... it's that freakin' anthro.
Chuck E Cheese quickly shoots his laser eyes at the giant freakin' anthro robot, but the beams deflect off of the giant freakin' anthro robot's coat with ease. "N-NO! THIS CAN NOT BE! LACTOSE INTOLERANCE! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! AND NOW, WE SHALL END YOU WITH THE ULTRA-POWERFUL, SUPER-SECRET TECHNIQUE TAUGHT TO US BY OUR BELOVED ANON!" the mothers shout perfectly in-sync.
They clap their hands together, before bringing them down to the ground. The text starts to show up on the screen, as they call out their ultimate move slowly. With each sacred motion they make, the additional words soon follow them.
"THE"
They drag their left hand over to where it's clasped in their right, and in front of their right hoof.
"THE ULTIMATE"
They look up at Chuck E Cheese and glare fiercely, before finishing off their move in style.
"THE ULTIMATE DAB!"
And with that, they rise to their hooves, slice the air diagonally, and tuck their snout into the inside of their left elbow. The dab makes the giant freakin' anthro robot glow so brightly and so gloriously, that the entire world starts to glow brightly at its sheer power alone.
Several ponies in Ponyville put on some shades and roast marshmallows, which quickly catch on fire, but obviously they don't, because magical cartoon ponies are fire-proof... duh.
Chuck E Cheese releases the main 6, who land safely and run out of the villain's path, as Chuck E Cheese tries to block his face with his hands.
"NOOOOOOOO! NOT THE DAB! IT'S THE ONLY THING CHEESIER THAN I AM!" he shouts, as his hands start to melt into puddles of cheese.
But the big freakin' anthro robot only dabs more furiously, increasing its power tenfold.
Chuck E Cheese soon evaporates into the air, until all that's left is just a big puddle of melted cheese.
The main 6 hug their mothers (and grandmother for AJ), while Anon stands back up from his own pile of cheese. Somehow, his clothes are unscathed, as well as he. Clearly, he was super fast at healing. Probably just a human thing, though.
He approaches the mares, and smiles at them, pressing his hands together and bowing his head at them respectfully, like a Sensei does to their best students.
"Ladies... I am so proud of you all! You've managed to win the day, by using only one of the Ancient Arts that I have taught you!"
The Mother 6 all smile at him, while the Main 6 glare at him, and huddle together behind their mothers, whispering something to each other. They sneak away from the battlefield, and scatter into Ponyville, towards their homes and Princess Twilight towards the Ponyville Hotel.
"What shall thou be doing now?" Cloudy Quartz asks in her usual ancient tongue.
Anon drops his smile and sighs. "Sadly, my dears, I must be off, for there is always another mother in need of relief... and by golly, I will do my sacred duty of seeing those needs fulfilled!"
"You'll write to us, though, won't you?" Twilight Velvet asks, sounding very hopeful.
He smiles back at them again and nods his head. "Of course, my dears! After all, you'll still have your own needs in due time, and I will gladly help you all with-"
"HEY! THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT RUTTED WITH OUR WIVES!" a very, very angry-sounding Bow Hothoof shouts from above Ponyville.
"EEYUP! AN' THAT BASTARD RUTTED MAH GRANNY, TOO!" an even angrier-sounding Big McIntosh shouts from the left outskirts.
Anon sighs and backs up slowly, reaching into his pockets. "And with that, my dears, I shall now show you a new technique I use when the going gets tough!"
He then pulls out another tiny smoke bomb and shouts out his new technique's name, as the words flash across the screen.
"MAXIMUM NOPE RETREAT!"
After slamming the tiny smoke bomb into the grass, and releasing another one-foot mist, he turns tail and runs as fast as his legs could take him, until he's out of sight and out of mind.
Princess Twilight sighs in relief, as she and her friends enter Sugarcube Corner together. Now that they told their dads where Anon is, it should keep him away for at least another hour or so, giving them the free time they need to unwind.
"So... now what?" Princess Twilight asks.
Pinkie Pie emerges with a tray of chocolate cupcakes. "Who wants cupcakes?!" she asks.
They all shrug and decide to take her up on the offer.
The door bell rings, and in trots a yellow bony stallion with a curly brown mane and tail.
"Hey there, ladies! I came as quick as I could! What did I miss?" Cheese Sandwich asks.
They all laugh at him, while Pinkie Pie places a hoof on his back. "Pretty much everything, except for your brief cameo!"
"Aww, shoot! I wish I could've been there to help..." he says, downtrodden. Pinkie gives him a cupcake, and he smiles at her.
"That's okay, Cheese! At least you can be here with us to watch The End!" she encourages.
"Alright! That means I can have a tag in the story, as well, right?" he asks.
Pinkie shrugs her shoulders. "Sure, why not?"
Cheese Sandwich then looks down at the page and gasps. "Oh! Here it comes!"
THE
END
Author's Note
I regret nothing.
