11/16

School’s been rough. It’s approaching the end of the marking period and I’m at the point of giving up entirely. I’m averaging Cs and Ds in all my classes, I’m tired all the time and it feels like I could die today and no one would care. ~~Sometimes, it feels like I should.~~

The day after my last entry, I had that party Pinkie promised. I waited til mom was asleep before turning on the TV. I felt like I was 10 again. I felt like I had friends again. True to her word, we travelled all across Equestria. The sheer amount of ponies I still remembered was astounding. The CMC, the Apple and Pie families, the Wonderbolts. And the longer the party I went, the more I remembered.

One day, when I was 8, I came home with scratches and bruises. I had gotten into a fight with a friend. Fluttershy had been the first to see me and taught me how to treat my wounds. She sang me a lullaby to soothe me when my nerves were shot.

Another day, around 9, it was picture day at school. Rarity had me set up an outfit the day prior. More humorously, she had me sneak my mom’s makeup kit to school and attempted to teach me how to apply it to “accentuate my features”. Keep in mind, I was 9 and, suffice to say, I’m embarrassed by those pictures.

At 10, I had a PSP. I would sit with my back to the TV and Rainbow would watch over my shoulder and coach me through some of my video games. At 11, AJ taught me to make Apple fritters for Mother’s Day. At 12, Twilight taught me my probability and statistics.

More and more memories like these were uncovered over the course of the night. It became increasingly clear that these ponies weren’t just friends, they were practically family. It’s like I had 6 aunts that I could see whenever I wanted, so long as I turned on the TV.

Eventually, like all things, the party ended. I had stayed up to 5 am on Monday and had to leave for school at 7. It was a bit of whiplash for me. I time travelled to a time where life was simple and I was regularly surrounded by people I loved. Then, I came back to a world where I was no one. Little did I know, I had a AP US History test that Monday. I bombed it.

The following week, my mind wandered to those old memories, those better days. I just couldn’t focus on school, what was the point? When I came back home, I hopped on the TV and hung out with the Mane 6 until mom came. I waited until she slept and back in front of the TV I was. It was like I had been sober of drugs for years and over the course of a day, I was overdosing. Then, I came crashing back down, back into an uncaring reality.

Friday, I practically unraveled. I saw a glimpse of what my report card would look like and I broke down. This week was supposed to be me trying to salvage what I can but I spent it acting like a child again. I suffered what I think was a panic attack and called a hotline. You know the one. For some dumb reason, I thought it would help. I couldn’t even tell them what was really going on. So, I hung up and did what I knew. I went to the ponies.

I spent that afternoon curled against the TV as the ponies spoke in soft, low tones. They assured me nothing was wrong with me. That I wasn’t a failure, or pathetic, or incompetent. Just hearing them put me at ease, soothed the pain. Yet, it didn’t go away.

While I laid there, I could hear them whispering. I worried, in my low mood, that they were conspiring against me or something. But as I write this now, it felt like they were discussing a plan. I didn’t pay enough attention and I probably should’ve. Wasn’t this whole project supposed to be me getting to the bottom of just who they are?

I don’t think I care about that anymore.

I had told them I was going to talk to mom about this later. There was some trepidation in their voice and they even argued I should sleep on it. They worried that if I revealed too much about what was really going on, we could be separated again. It didn’t feel right hiding this stuff from my mom, like I did in the past. Yet, what could I do? Best case scenario, she thinks I’m schizophrenic and puts me on drugs that might take them away. Again, it feels so wrong to say that but right now, they’re keeping me going.

They’ve been keeping me going.

Later that night, something happened. Mom came home, so TV was off limits. I went into my room, still feeling like shit. That’s when my phone rang.

The Caller ID just said “Unknown Caller”. I picked it up and it was Twilight.

I should’ve been scared, but I wasn’t. I was elated. The Twilight “Goddamn” Sparkle managed to break past the TV completely. Of course she would, she’s the element of magic, it was only a matter of time. She told me that she had been working on this kind of spell for a while now, as a side project. I told her about the tape I found, where Pinkie told me that the more i communicated with them, the closer our worlds came. She told me that was still true but there was another factor: my desire.

The more I wished I could be with them, it accelerated the rate of our realities merging. Although the mane 6 wished and prayed and begged to see me again, over those 6 years, there was no movement. It only resumed when I came back. That night alone made significant progress. According to Twilight’s calculations, it wouldn’t be long before our worlds would directly overlap.

She said she had a plan. She said everything was going to be alright. She said they needed me as much as I needed them. She left me with this:

“You are more than our friend, Aaron. You are family. You are a member of our herd. We love you. I love you. We will see you soon.

Very soon.”

11/27

I think mom’s getting suspicious. At dinner she asked if I was seeing someone. I told her I wasn’t and left it at that. She told me I could talk to her about anything. I told her I knew that.

Am I a bad son?

12/24

Happy Hearthswarming eve’s, journal. I haven’t been writing much in you lately. The ponies kinda replaced you actually. Anything I want to talk about, I talk about with them. I hide nothing from them now. They’ve earned my trust. Which is why I feel bad coming back to write in you.

No prose this time. Here’s the gist: Twilight wants me to come with her. Like, into the TV, into Equestria. She had this big meeting with the other girls and even the princesses. Yeah, it was kind of a big deal.

Best I could recall was that the meeting took place in her map room. Everyone was seated around this table, which showed the entire map of Equestria. It was like I was sitting in front of a council, deciding my fate. It all felt so surreal but I’m used to it at this point.

Despite the setting, there was an electricity among everyone. Best I can describe it was the feeling I assume NASA had when they just figured out how to send people to the moon. Pinkie and Dasj could barely sit still, Fluttershy played with her mane the whole time, even Rarity was frantically sewing as if to ease her anxieties. Only one who barely showed it was AJ. Good ‘ol Applejack, though she did fidget with her hat a bunch.

Twilight described it like this: over the past couple months, the threshold between our worlds have finally come into contact. Similar to Shimmer’s human dimension, the two worlds can be crossed via portal. However, unlike Shimmer’s dimension, my world and theirs were still vastly distant. It would take a lot more energy to conjure this portal. More importantly, if I were to cross, there could be…complications.

For one, there’s no telling how the atmosphere, the air, even benign things like water or food, would affect me. Twilight assured me that my chances of outright dying were nil to slim. Although, there would be an indeterminate amount of time where I could be under some form of sickness from crossing realities.

Secondly, is the fact that I would be leaving almost everything behind. My mom, my school, my home, everything. She couldn’t even guarantee me the clothes on my back.

I won’t lie, the prospect of leaving this shitty planet behind is great and all, but it feels so…final. I mean, isn’t it kinda like suicide. That’s the ultimate reason people do it, right? To escape? To hope that on the other side of it is a better world? This is much less gruesome, but it doesn’t feel any less dark.

I brought this up with the table and the room fell silent. The looks on their faces told stories. They have clearly thought about this for a while. And just when I thought that they were possibly going to reconsider the plan, Twilight asked me a simple question:

“Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?”

It was a question that knocked me on my ass. I didn’t say anything and hoped it was rhetorical. That’s when Celestia repeated it. Given her status as both a leader and potentially a god, the question felt infinitely worse coming from her. Sure, she’s no Abrahamic god, but she was probably the closest I’d ever get to see. I felt really young and small and dumb in that moment.

I told them, “Yes, I’ve thought about it.” Some of them winced. Twilight kept composure, like she’s practiced this 100 times by now. In her words, I was a potential danger to myself. If I would be willing to hurt myself, I would be bringing that pain to my mother regardless. At least by jumping worlds, I have a chance at a better life, which my mom should ultimately want from me.

It all made rational sense but it still didn’t feel right. My mom wouldn’t know the difference. Her son would be gone without a trace. At least, she would if I didn’t leave a note.

With that, mom, I dedicate this journal to you. Let this journal be my “going away” note. In it, it details everything that has happened to me over the past few months. I hope it brings a little comfort in that I think I’m in safe hands, or hooves, I guess.

Mom, I wanted to just tell you this outright but I don’t think I can. It’s all too weird and strange and I don’t think you’d understand. I could be making a mistake. Maybe I will talk to you, just before I go. Hell, you could even watch, if it only so it wouldn’t be so heartbreaking. I don’t know what I’ll do honestly. The ponies let me think on it and that’s what I’m doing now.

But if we don’t speak again, know that I love you.

And I’m sorry.

———

Note: There are no further entries within the journal. According to what little records remain of OBJ-503 within the Database, OBJ-503 was acquired along with the journal. During both the initial interview and the follow-up interview 5 years later, Letitia James makes no reference to having read the journal or even knowing of its existence.

Author's Note

We enter a new phase of this investigation. Maybe it’s about time we start looking for Aaron…