7015 Whopper of the Year Award
Betwixt Brown and Gold 5:
Whopper of the Year
“Vinyl Scratch? Can we speak for a moment?”
Twilight Sparkle found the DJ/entrepreneur in the middle of Fifth Avenue in downtown Fillydelphia. Vinyl was pulling a cart containing a large silver two-handled cup trophy. Twilight resisted the urge to sate her curiosity as to the meaning of Vinyl’s cargo, and fell into step beside her.
“Did you bring the paperwork?” Vinyl asked, gesturing towards Twilight’s full saddlebag.
“Yes, everything is in order.” The continued success of the company founded by Twilight and Vinyl, Equestria Acoustics, had led to the decision to convert the private company into a public one. Twilight reached back and produced the completed legal forms. There were so many of them that Twilight feared she might come down with lockjaw if she had to hold them for very long.
“Put them back there,” said Vinyl, gesturing to the cart. “They both have to go to Canterlot.”
Seeing no other safe place, Twilight used her telekinesis to roll up the bundle and insert it into the cup-shaped prize. As she did so, she was able to read two inscriptions: carved into the base of the award were the words “Old Coots Association” on one side and “Whopper of the Year” on the other. Below the latter inscription was a bolted-on plate reading “7015 Awarded to Doctor Whooves, for the story about the Salt Shakers from Outer Space”.
“Are you heading to the dirigible station?” Twilight asked.
“Yes,” Vinyl replied.
“I was planning on spending the afternoon in town before heading back to Ponyville,” said Twilight, “but I’d be glad to walk with you to the station if you’d like.”
“Alright,” said Vinyl. Smirking, she said, “of course, you’re really just walking with me because you want to know about the award.”
“I’ll admit to a little curiosity,” Twilight said.
“Very well,” said Vinyl as the pair continued walking. “The ‘Old Coots Association’ is a group of retired stallions that hang out at the local salt lick on Wednesday evenings. My uncle is their unofficial leader. They keep each other company, complain about how their grown children are treating them, and tell each other stories of doubtful authenticity.”
“The ‘whoppers’, in other words?” asked Twilight, shaking her head in disapproval. “Why a bunch of silly colts would consider telling lies to each other to be a pleasant pastime is beyond me.”
Vinyl stopped walking.
“Oh, dear,” said Twilight. “I haven’t offended you, have I?”
“No, I am not offended,” said Vinyl calmly. “I save being offended for when ponies pity me for being blind. I am simply...disappointed. The OCA consists of stallions, Twilight Sparkle, not colts. They are stallions because they have spent rather long lives serving the Princesses and fulfilling the purpose of their cutie marks. If they choose to have a little fun in their retirement, it is in each other’s company, and at the expense of no other pony.”
The white unicorn raised her head and spent a few moments in thought before continuing. “Uncle Philo did a far better job of raising me than my mother or any other female relatives, so perhaps I have a perspective on the male pony experience that most mares lack.
“Uncle Philo was the best mail sorter that Fillydelphia had ever seen. He was eventually promoted to the position in the postal service that he deserved, but it took far longer than it would have taken for a mare with the same skills, and this hypothetical mare would not have had to put up with the teasing and behind-the-back snickering that Uncle Philo had to put up with. The fact of the matter is that Equestrian society considers an adult female pony to be emotionally and intellectually mature by default, while an adult male pony will always be considered to be immature. Sure, it’s easy to point to stallions that fully deserve the name of ‘colt’, but I could also point out many a mare that thinks only of herself and her own shallow concerns.”
Twilight quietly took in the lecture. She reflected that her own parents were like most parents she had encountered: her mother was brash and assertive, while the number of significant statements uttered by her father in her lifetime thus far could be counted on her four hooves. “I suppose it comes from our adoration of the Princesses,” she said at last. “After all, our ideals of physical beauty are always longer in the leg and the face than any actual earth pony, unicorn or pegasus could ever hope to match...which perhaps explains why Fluttershy, with her somewhat unusual anatomy, was considered to be the perfect model before she had even opened her mouth or moved a single muscle. But I am still curious as to why this group should have an annual award celebrating an untruth.”
“Can’t help you much, there,” said Vinyl, once again starting her walk. “You must realize that these whoppers are only told in circumstances where it is perfectly clear that everypony in the room is lying, so there is no element of deception involved. Maybe it’s a way to fight back against our misconceptions of them, by weaving even more absurd lies about themselves.”
“Alright,” said Twilight. “So what can you tell me about this year’s winner?”
“Not much,” Vinyl replied. “The Association didn’t have any good whopper stories among their membership from the past year, so Uncle Philo began telling them of his run-ins with this Doctor Whooves character from the late 60’s, and they decided to give him the award as a result. Unfortunately, Uncle hadn’t heard from Whooves in the past fifty years, so hunting him down will be a wild goose chase, and I fully expect I will be returning the award to the bank vault without the intended recipient ever laying eyes upon it. Besides, Uncle Philo said that Doctor Whooves actually believed all of his stories, so even if I found him, I doubt he’d want it.”
Vinyl did not add that that she was aware of at least two other ponies in Canterlot known only as “The Doctor”. She hoped to hunt one of these two down in her search for Doctor Whooves, and also perhaps to get to the bottom of that group’s recent suspicious activities.
It was at this point that Vinyl realized that there was no pony walking beside her anymore. “Twilight?” she asked, turning her head left and right and trying to pick out her friend’s distinctive hoof pattern.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Vinyl,” came Twilight’s voice from a couple of pony-lengths behind her. “I see Princess Luna and the other five Elements waiting for me down this side street. I hope you understand...”
Vinyl snorted in disgust. According to Twilight and her five friends, the six of them had single-hoofedly wielded the Elements of Harmony a few months ago to vanquish Nightmare Moon and turn her back into Princess Luna—six mortals defeating an immortal, all by themselves. Even with the help of the Elements, the story seemed more than a little unbelievable to Vinyl, who strongly suspected that the two Princesses had used their magic to delude the six ponies into believing this story for their own amusement. Vinyl had even given Princess Luna the opportunity to tell her the true version of events, but the Princess had found a way to avoid answering the question.
“No, go ahead,” the DJ said. “Go off and save Equestria...again. You can find me in Canterlot afterwards if you’d like to tell me all about it over a spot of tea.”
Twilight paused at the obvious doubt in Vinyl Scratch’s voice, then shook her head sadly and headed over to the royal chariot.
A few seconds later, Vinyl heard the chariot take off in the direction of Canterlot.
Vinyl was standing in line at the Fillydelphia dirigible station a few minutes later when she heard the same chariot land right beside her.
“Get in,” said Twilight Sparkle. “I convinced the Princess that you can help!”
Vinyl groaned. “Great. So you found an opening for the new Element of Sarcasm?”
“Vinyl Scratch,” said the commanding voice of Princess Luna. “Thou dost possess a talent that no other pony in Equestria possesses, including even Ourselves. Get. In. The. Chariot.”
“Your Majesty,” Vinyl replied, bowing her head to the ground. She forced as much resentment into those two words as possible. “My cargo—”
She felt the “whoosh” of the winner’s cup shooting by only a hair above her ears.
Saying nothing more, she boarded the chariot. She was convinced that her cart would be stolen within seconds of her departure, and already began to plan how to bill the government for her loss.
“Archibald—” Princess Luna began, addressing the lead pegasus pulling the cart.
“Wait, stop!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Where’s Pinkie Pie?”
“She was just here a moment ago,” said Rarity, looking around her.
“Perhaps I should go looking for her,” suggested Fluttershy in her usual quiet tone.
“No,” said Twilight. “She, more than anypony, knows how important the element of surprise is in this mission. If she left, then I’ll bet she had a pretty good reason.”
Vinyl waited until the others had quieted down. “Since there is a delay, Twilight, perhaps you could share with me what special talent of mine it is that you are in need of?”
“Oh, well it is your horn sight,” the magician unicorn replied. “You told me that you could see ‘anything smaller than a grain of sand or larger than a city’.” She was referring to a magical ability possessed by some unicorns to see with their horn instead of with their eyes. For Vinyl Scratch, it was the only form of vision that she possessed.
“Yes, that’s right,” said Vinyl.
“So I figured that means maybe you can see past the Silver and Gold Barriers,” continued Twilight, referring to the hypothetical limits of horn sight.
“Well considering that I’ve never seen either one of those, I suppose you’re right.”
“So thou dost claim to see my planets in all their glory?” said the Princess, butting into the conversation.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” answered Vinyl.
“And past them?”
Vinyl opened her mouth, and then shut it. She knew full well the official version of what she was supposed to see. “I see the glory of all the stars in the heavens,” she said, cautiously.
“And beyond that?” asked Luna.
“Nothing’s beyond the stars,” said Twilight in some confusion. “Right?”
“It’s...very beautiful,” said Vinyl. “I didn’t know what I was seeing for the longest time, but last May I spotted something very interesting in the constellation of Centaurus—”
“That was the work of my youth,” said the Princess, cutting the unicorn off. “So thou canst see past the Silver Barrier. What about in the other direction? What is the smallest that thou canst see? And I suppose I should let you call me ‘Luna’ for the duration.”
“I have no signposts there...Luna. I see matter break down, utterly. Everything is in motion, and the speed of the motion is tied to temperature. On the coldest days, I can just make out dots floating in clouds, all dancing about each other in a complex pattern.”
“That is far past the Gold Barrier,” said Luna, “and indeed, far past anything I can see.”
“Really?” asked Twilight incredulously.
“Indeed, Twilight Sparkle. My family of alicorns had certain flaws that carried over past our ascension. And since we made all other ponies in our image, you are stuck with these limitations as well. One of these related to the horn sight: its mental pathway crosses that of normal vision, restricting its limits.”
“I see,” said Vinyl, putting a dark emphasis on that last word. “Lucky me.”
* * *
“So are you going to let me in or not?”
“Pinkie Pie!” exclaimed Applejack. “Where in tarnation have you been all this time?”
“You would not believe how hard it is to buy sunglasses in December,” she said, handing a pair out to each of the ponies. “And forget about lotion! Oh hi, Vinyl! Glad you could make it.”
“Pinkie, what are we supposed to do with these?” asked Twilight.
“Well,” replied Pinkie, “most ponies put them on their heads in front of their eyes, but sometimes you put them on your forehead. Just don’t forget you put them there, because then everypony will think you’re going senile.”
Twilight had no answer to this excellent observation, so the party set out for Canterlot. As the chariot was not intended to hold another pony and a large silver award, Rainbow Dash offered to fly alongside.
* * *
“So, has the Princess told you what exactly we’ll be doing?” Vinyl asked Twilight once the chariot was in flight, using as low a voice as was possible to be heard over the wind in their ears.
“No, other than to say she needed somepony who could see past the Golden Barrier,” Twilight replied. “She said she was going to wait until—”
“MY LITTLE PONIES,” Princess Luna announced with her “Royal Canterlot Voice”. “IT IS TIME FOR ME TO INFORM YOU WHY I HAVE NEEDED YOUR ASSISTANCE. CAN YOU HEAR ME, RAINBOW DASH?”
“The deaf mayor of Stalliongrad can probably hear you,” Rainbow Dash muttered to herself before replying, “I can hear you just fine, Princess!”
“GOOD! NOW THEN, YOU MUST KNOW THAT THE ENTITY WHICH BECAME NIGHTMARE MOON INFECTED MY MIND AT A VERY EARLY AGE. FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, THIS ENTITY FOOLED ME INTO THINKING IT WAS A VOICE OF MY OWN MIND, CONCERNED ONLY WITH MY WELL-BEING AND THE HAPPINESS OF EQUESTRIA. YET WHEN IT SAW THE CHANCE TO UNDERMINE MY LOVE FOR MY ELDER SISTER, IT PROGRESSIVELY POISONED MY MIND UNTIL IT TRICKED ME INTO RELINQUISHING CONTROL TO IT. KNOW NOW THAT PRINCESS CELESTIA HAS A SIMILAR SPIRIT INFECTING HER MIND.” Luna waited a few seconds for this revelation to sink in.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, Twilight suddenly gasped, putting a hoof over her mouth and backing up to the wall of the chariot.
“That’s impossible,” said Applejack just then, having missed seeing Twilight’s reaction. “Princess Celestia has always been acting in the best interests of Equestria! She even sent Twilight here to Ponyville to defeat Nightmare Moon. That doesn’t sound like no evil spirit to me.”
“No, it’s true,” Twilight said with a shaky voice. “I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”
Luna stepped forward. “WHEN WAS THIS?”
“It...it was just after I was accepted as a student at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns,” Twilight began. “Celestia invited me over one day for some personal tutoring. We were working on a fireworks spell, but it went wrong, and I actually hurt the Princess. She lost her temper and, for just an instant, she changed. I told myself afterwards that I was imagining things, but that image has haunted my nightmares ever since. Slitted pupils, mane like the mirage over the sidewalk on a blistering day, and that voice...the voice of Nightmare Moon.”
“THAT IS THE ENTITY WE ARE UP AGAINST,” said Princess Luna. “A BEING ORIGINATING FROM A UNIVERSE OF PURE WILL. SHE HIDES INSIDE MY SISTER’S HEAD, IN THE SPACES BETWEEN THE DANCING DOTS THAT VINYL SCRATCH HERE CAN SEE. I BELIEVE THAT MY SISTER KNOWS OF THIS ENTITY’S EXISTENCE, AND HAS BEEN CLEVER ENOUGH TO KEEP THIS KNOWLEDGE A SECRET FROM IT. SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD WAYS OF KEEPING THE ENTITY BURIED IN HER MIND, BUT AS TWILIGHT HERE KNOWS, THAT CONTROL HAS NOT BEEN PERFECT.
“I...am too weak to take her on alone,” Luna said, uncertainty forcing her voice back down to a normal level. “It might take centuries for me to regain the strength I had as Nightmare Moon.”
“But you have us,” said Rarity.
“And the Elements of Harmony!” added Rainbow Dash.
“Let’s save the Princess!” exclaimed Applejack.
“Woo-hoo!” added Fluttershy, rather surprising herself with the volume of her outburst.
“Y...yes,” said Twilight, forcing confidence into her voice, “let’s do this.” Of all of the mortal ponies, she alone knew the true extent of the power that Princess Celestia wielded, and it terrified her.
Princess Luna stepped out of the carriage the moment it touched ground and walked around to the pegasi that were rapidly unharnessing themselves from it. “Bismuth,” she addressed one of them, “thou shalt find a full length mirror in the third guest bedroom on the second floor. Move it to the center of the audience room that is right next door and then wait for my arrival; try not to attract any attention. Luckily, the chamber should be empty at this time of day. Archibald, inform Princess Celestia that I have brought the Elements of Harmony to Canterlot for a visit, and we will be waiting for her in the second-floor audience chamber. At her convenience, Archibald, and show the proper respect to your ruler in approaching her.” The two ponies departed.
“Princess Luna, do you think it wise to reveal our presence so quickly?” asked a nervous Twilight.
“I find that the best traps are baited with truth,” Luna replied tersely, as she led the group towards the main entrance of the castle. “Now smile, everypony! We are here to visit Princess Celestia, and everypony loves the Princess!”
* * *
The group of seven ponies and one immortal alicorn made a casual progress through the castle, greeting anypony who crossed their path. The entire experience was nerve-wracking for Vinyl, who was sure her fake smile was the most obvious deception in the notoriously-convoluted history of Canterlot, and certain to land them all in a tiny banished land located in the middle of a vast prison located in the middle of an even bigger banished land, on the far side of the moon, for a thousand million years.
Finally, they reached the audience chamber. Princess Luna ushered the group inside past the pegasus Bismuth, then closed the door. “Audience chambers are always soundproofed,” she informed them, walking up to the large mirror and inspecting it. She then crossed over to a cabinet and pulled a box out of a drawer with her teeth and placed it on a table. Carefully, she removed the lid from the box, again with her teeth, and then quickly stepped back.
Immediately, Vinyl’s ears began ringing, she could smell nothing but burning tar, and the bitter taste of lye saturated her mouth. With a gasp, she turned to get her horn as far away from the open box as possible. Luna, Twilight and Rarity were affected in the same way (with the addition of bleary vision), while the other four ponies noticed nothing unusual.
“What is that stuff?” asked Rainbow Dash, stepping up to the box and poking its contents with a hoof. A couple seconds later, she was desperately rubbing the same hoof against the surface of the table to try and make the stinging sensation go away.
“That is a 50/50 mixture of Primium and Nanominium glosses dissolved in a colloidal substrate,” Luna answered, “and sealed with a thin layer of negatively-charged Octiron. It is colloquially known as ‘cork’.
“Cork,” the Princess continued, “is a perfect magic-repelling substance. It is another common ingredient found in all audience chambers, as a weapon of last resort against recalcitrant magical creatures. It is particularly effective against unicorns...and alicorns, although it also has a noxious effect on non-unicorn hooves, hair and feathers. If we can get this on Celestia’s horn, we will render her powerless, unless she manages to scrape it off. Now which earth pony or pegasus would like to volunteer—”
“I’ll do it!”
“Thank you, Pinkie Pie,” said Luna. “I was hoping it would be you.”
At that moment the effects of the cork disappeared, and with a few shakes of their heads, the unicorns shook off its effects on their senses.
“Now then, here is the plan,” explained Luna. “Once Pinkie has ‘corked’ the Princess, Vinyl Scratch will use her horn vision to look inside her head and find the Entity.”
“Err, Princess, I have never looked that deeply into something solid. I’m not sure if—”
“You leave that to me. Now let me into your magical field.”
Vinyl sighed. This was an incredible breach of privacy for a unicorn, a level of intimacy many married couples never achieved. But there was no denying a Princess. And besides, Luna could already poke around inside the mind of any mortal pony, even when they had their barriers up. So she allowed the alicorn complete access to her field. The presence of Luna in the magical part of her mind was a bit uncomfortable, but this gave Vinyl the small advantage that she knew precisely where her monarch was in her head at any one instant.
“Thank you,” Luna continued. “When I give you the word, you will use your horn sight to locate the Entity inside Celestia’s head. When you find it, I will extract it, and put it in the mirror. This is vitally necessary because as a being of pure energy, it cannot exist by itself and will try to possess one of us if not imprisoned in some way. And then the rest of you can use your Elements of Harmony upon it.”
“And the Elements of Harmony are guaranteed to work?” Vinyl asked with some trepidation. “God magic against god magic?”
“Indeed,” replied Luna, darkly. “Our mother died creating the Elements. I am now convinced that she wrested the secret of their construction from the Entity infecting her mind, and that it was responsible for her demise. It is to our eternal sorrow that Celestia and I did not discover the Elements and their purpose until long after they could have been used to save our father from his fate.” She looked up from her reverie and fixed them all with a piercing stare. “Now are you sure you all know what to do?”
“This plan sounds really complicated,” said Rainbow Dash. “Why can’t we just blast Celestia with the Elements, and clean her up that way?”
Luna sighed. “Because that would leave Celestia as weak as the same process left me, and I fear that between the two of us we would not have the strength to face whatever surprise the Doctors have planned for us.”
* * *
“Why are you all looking so glum, ponies?” asked Princess Celestia, walking in the room scant seconds after Luna had informed them of the possible consequences of taking a shortcut. “I hope you are not here to deliver bad news.”
“Well, yeah,” said Pinkie, stepping forward. “We’re sorry to inform you that you...can’t...CATCH!”
Princess Celestia cried out in pain as her horn was corked.
“RESTRAIN HER!” ordered Princess Luna.
“Ponies, have you gone mad?” asked a suddenly fearful Celestia to the gang of ponies that were surrounding her.
Vinyl stood next to Luna, awaiting her moment. She heard the sounds of a tussle, as several ponies were swatted back by Celestia’s wings. They quickly got up and leapt upon her from all directions.
“NOW, VINYL!” cried Luna. The other ponies suddenly gasped.
Vinyl had no idea what had affected the others...until she tried to probe inside Celestia’s head, for she discovered that Celestia no longer had a head. In its place was a gaseous cloud. Realizing that Celestia’s body was still fighting off the others, Vinyl fought to keep her breakfast down and started probing around.
“WELL?”
“Wait...wait...I think...yes...there!” For an instant, Luna’s presence in Vinyl’s mind expanded, until it felt like her head would burst. And just as suddenly, it was gone, and Vinyl was blissfully alone in her head again.
Another gasp came from the crowd, this time from wonder instead of horror.
“Th...thank you, ponies,” said Princess Celestia. The voice sounded like that of a newly-cutied filly instead of a mare, but it was clearly still Celestia, even if she was now as small as Luna.
“Release me at once!” ordered a new voice from the direction of the mirror where Luna had entrapped the Entity. At the same moment Vinyl was battered back by a wave of pure heat.
“Ponies...deploy...sunglasses!” ordered Pinkie Pie with her impression of a drill sergeant. Evidently the Entity was just as bright as it was hot. Correction, as bright as she was hot—the voice was undoubtedly female. It belonged to no species that Vinyl could identify, but was closest to the voice of a dragon.
“Twilight, use your magic to help me keep the mirror intact!” ordered Luna, making an obvious effort to use a quieter, although no less authoritative, voice.
“How’s that?” asked Twilight after a pause.
“Perfect,” replied Luna. She then turned to face the newcomer. “Identify yourself!”
“I am the Third Lieutenant of the Disembarkation Expeditionary Force,” the Entity replied with considerable pride.
“Do you have a name?” Twilight asked, more out of curiosity than for any other reason.
“As a small piece of the Supreme Will given sentience to achieve his aims of omniversal conquest, possessing a name seemed superfluous. However, once I had succeeded in taking over that body, I had intended to use the name ‘Waking Terror’.”
“A very good name,” commented little Celestia, “certain to inspire fear in the breast of every pony.”
“Perhaps you should rest, Tia,” Luna said with a touch of worry in her voice. “You don’t sound very well.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, little sister,” Tia replied. “I’m finally in complete command of my faculties for the first time since infancy. I feel fine.”
“You seem to be taking this well,” the Entity commented in some confusion. “I could have hijacked your body at any time.”
“I know!” Tia replied, with what sounded an awful lot like jealousy. “But you didn’t, and for that I’m grateful. I’m also grateful for your advice over the millennia, Waking Terror.”
“You are?”
Vinyl Scratch stepped back, away from the group surrounding Tia and the Waking Terror. Her part in this drama was now complete, and it seemed that the Princesses were adjusting to the new balance of power with words instead of with rainbow-colored weapons of mass destruction.
Meanwhile Tia was still getting re-acquainted with her inner voice. “Of course I am grateful!” she exclaimed. “Luna and I could never have defeated the Draconic Invasion in 286 without your help. I have never forgotten that. And the teleportation spell—that was yours.”
“It...was?” asked Twilight, wondering if she should ever use her favorite spell ever again.
“Sure it was!” replied Tia. “I could go on and on about all of Miss Terror’s good ideas. But of course that all has to end now.”
“It...does?” the Waking Terror asked.
“Obviously,” Tia replied. “My bumbling sister just had to butt in where she didn’t belong.”
“But...I—” said a flustered Luna.
“Not another word out of you, Sister! I like to think that Miss Terror and I had a good thing going, even if it was on a completely non-vocal level, but now you’ve let the nuclear-irradiated cat out of the bag, so to speak. There’s a certain narrative to be followed under these circumstances, you know.”
“There is?” asked the increasingly confused Entity.
“But of course! You’ll overpower my sister and these foalish ponies—”
“I assure you, it will not be as easy as that,” said Applejack in a low voice. Twilight tapped her on the shoulder after she said this, and herded the six of them to Vinyl’s corner of the room.
“I’m not comfortable with the direction this conversation is heading,” said Rarity in a low voice.
“Listen,” Twilight told them, “I’ve known Princess Celestia for half of my life. I trust her implicitly, and she knows exactly what we’re capable of.”
“Which means...?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“That she knows what she’s doing. The Supreme Will is plotting to invade Equestria, and he’s much more powerful than every magical being in Equestria put together, including the Princesses. This Waking Terror entity is her best chance of discovering any weaknesses The Supreme Will might possess.”
“But she’s working from a position of utter helplessness!” said Pinkie Pie. “What could she possibly use to fight back against that, except maybe her...oooh.” Pinkie then turned and raised her voice for two alicorns and one mirror-imprisoned entity to hear: “So obviously, if the Great and Powerful Waking Terror tried to take us on, we’d so totally be toast! With marmelade!”
Tia nodded her head. “And then you’d take over Equestria,” she continued.
“Over my dead body,” warned Luna.
“Well...that was the general idea,” said Tia, with only the slightest hint of disappointment. “You, and the rest of Equestria. After all, you’re going to kill me first, and my subjects are probably not going to take that very well. I could try to tell them to give up their will to live first, but I suspect that they just won’t listen. Ponies tend to be stubborn that way. So you’ll convert Equestria into a blasted ruin, march triumphantly over to the Castle by the Sea, and liberate your master so he is free to conquer the universe. Isn’t that how you’ve always envisioned it, Miss Terror?”
“Um...not quite,” answered the voice in the mirror, sounding very uncertain indeed.
“And then,” Tia concluded, “your mission triumphantly completed, you will be absorbed back into the Supreme Will, your memory and personality completely obliterated!”
“What?!” The voice was one of panic, pure and utter panic.
“Well,” said Tia, pressing onward and giving no sign that she was picking up any of the Entity’s emotional cues, “that is what you most fondly desire, don’t you? ‘Existence is a daily torture,’ and ‘Only the Supreme Will deserves to exist’? Those are the Supreme Will’s twin mottos, so surely they are yours as well?”
“I...I don’t—”
“Come now,” Tia interrupted, “the hour grows late. Surely the guards outside are growing more and more suspicious with every minute we waste. Strike me down, strike us all down, and speed onward to the great annihilation!”
“Tia, will you please be quiet and let me think!” the Waking Terror shouted.
“Take all the time you need!” And with that, the miniature Princess Celestia sat calmly down and began to eat the piece of toast with marmalade that Pinkie Pie had just passed her.
“There is no need for such an...extreme sequence of events,” the Waking Terror finally announced. “The Supreme Will is a reasonable being—”
With a mighty effort, Princess Luna refrained from correcting that statement.
“—And surely we can reach a solution that doesn’t involve the needless death of so many beings.” ...including myself, the Entity added silently.
Nearly a minute passed.
Tia stood back up. “If you do not have a solution at hoof, may I make a suggestion?”
“What do you have in mind?” the Waking Terror asked in suspicion.
“You’ll make yourself a new body,” said Tia, “and then you’re free to go, to do whatever you wish to do for the rest of eternity.”
“And what about my power?”
“Keep it! All magic in Equestria originated from your realm, so it is yours by right.”
“But that would leave you a mortal pony!”
“That’s right,” said Tia cheerfully. “It will be a dream come true for me. I just want to be a normal pony, you know. As a mortal, I can step out of this door and propose to Professor Stein; Luna you can vouch for how often he’s given me that cow-eyed look of his when he thought I wasn’t looking. I can finally have kids. Can you imagine it, Sister, no longer being the only two alicorns in the whole of Creation?”
“But you’ll die!” protested Luna.
“So does everything else in this world, eventually. It’s the only way to be truly fulfilled. I’m tired of being a presence in the life of every pony in Equestria. It’s time for me to become a memory. And finally, Luna, I trust you to run the mechanics of this world so much better than me. Mathematics was always your strong suit, after all, and you know how prone I’ve been to shortcuts when I got tired—you would never do that. I’ll even let you call me ‘your little pony’. I know you’ve been dying to do that.”
“This will never work, Tia!” cried Luna. “The ponies are still loyal to you and you alone. Whatever form this Waking Terror takes, they will hunt her down, and demand that you be restored to your familiar form and powers.”
“But that’s not right!” protested Tia. “That power is Miss Terror’s.”
“They won’t let her have it,” warned Luna.
“It is HERS BY RIGHT!” Tia shouted, slipping briefly into her own “Royal Canterlot Voice”. “And I won’t stand for a miscarriage of justice! Miss Terror will have her power, which will lead to civil war, with Luna on your side—”
“You’re going to insist I fight on the demon’s side?” Luna asked incredulously.
“Faerie’s side,” Tia corrected. “And yes.”
“Urgh! ...Fine.”
“Thank you, Sister. You won’t regret it! So it’s the two immortals against the mortal population of Equestria. They don’t have a chance. Of course, that puts us back in the ‘Equestrian Wasteland’ scenario from before, which because this is the way these things usually work out, will lead to you two trying to kill each other—”
“Way to throw me under the carriage, Sis,” Luna grumbled.
“Don’t mention it! And we’re back to having nothing better to do than release the Supreme Will and ceasing to exist. Again.”
The Waking Terror made a sort of choking sound at this point, before saying “excuse me for saying this, Princess, but your suggestions stink.”
“Oh,” said Tia. “Well, um, I’m sorry. What would you suggest?”
“I suggest that you give me a new body, and enough power to exist independently of you, but not enough to end your state as an immortal.”
“Oh, well I wasn’t about to suggest such a state of affairs, as it would not only be grossly unfair to you, but also would not be a permanent state of affairs. You would be forced to return to me at regular intervals, say once every hundred years, in order to be recharged.”
“I am willing to be magnanimous, just this once mind you, and put up with the injustice.”
“Oh thank you, Miss Terror! I assure you that you won’t regret it! Now what form would you like to take?”
Vinyl wished she had a timepiece, so she could see how fast it had taken for the conversation to go from “I will destroy you all!” to “Please, Sir, may I have another?”
“Hmm,” said the would-be destroyer of Equestria, “I think I would like to be a young dragon, but with the magical abilities of a young adult. That way I could stay by your side in the guise of a messenger dragon, but with enough strength to defend myself.”
“That should work,” said Tia. “The dragon clans distrust each other so much that each of them will suspect you are a spy for a rival clan, and it will take centuries before anyone catches on to your true allegiance.”
“If I might interrupt,” said Twilight Sparkle, “what side will you be on, Miss Terror?”
“I shall be on my own side,” the Entity replied. “And woe betide any clan foolish enough to cross me.”
After a moment’s thought, Rarity said, “Then you’re right—you would work out very well as a dragon, as you already think like one.”
“Then it is settled.”
Luna and the mortal ponies exited the room as a de-corked Celestia and the creature in the mirror were engaged in lengthy negotiations over the physical characteristics of Waking Terror’s new form.
“I take it that everything went according to plan?” asked the pegasus Archibald.
“No, it didn’t,” Princess Luna replied, “but don’t worry. The crisis is resolved, and my Sister outsmarted me. Again. I’m going out to the Royal Garden for supper before getting some sleep. Anypony coming with me?”
Twilight and her group made a few random sounds before accepting the invitation, still having some trouble accepting exactly what had happened over the course of less than an hour.
Vinyl stood thoughtfully outside the soundproofed door. It opened for just a moment, to allow a small dragon to push a fractured mirror out of the door. “Out of my way!” she proclaimed in a familiar bossy voice, “coming through. Princess needs a new mirror, here!” The former inhabitants of the audience room carefully studied anything else around them other than the rapidly-departing dragon, leaving the others no choice but to conclude that she was a regular inhabitant of the castle that they had failed to notice before now. Having fulfilled their obligation to Princess Celestia, Luna, Twilight and their friends then departed, leaving Vinyl behind with the servants to wait.
“Excuse me,” said the voice of a unicorn a few moments later, “but can anypony tell me if Princess Celestia is alright?” The voice sounded impossibly old for a unicorn. It contained enough concentrated boredom to counteract a room full of hyper Rainbow Dashes, but Vinyl could detect the slightest hint of actual emotion carefully buried beneath the facade.
“Professor Stein?” Vinyl guessed.
“Yes, that is me,” the unicorn replied.
“The Princess is fine,” Vinyl replied. “She merely exhausted herself over a...prank of Princess Luna.”
“Guard!” the Professor commanded.
“Yes, sir!” the anonymous earth pony guard answered. Evidently the professor had a great deal of authority in the castle.
“You will bring a divan to this room immediately, for the use of the Princess.”
“I hear and obey!” And the guard left the scene at a rapid clip.
“I shall stay here and look after her,” Professor Stein informed Vinyl. “Perhaps you should join your friends.”
“Actually...how good is your calligraphy?”
* * *
Princess Celestia awoke to find herself lying on a divan positioned on one side of the audience room. Considering the weight of her unconscious adult form, putting her on that couch was not an easy feat. She looked up with some uncertainty, until she locked eyes with Stein, and then she relaxed. “Have I been out long?” she asked.
“Only a few hours,” he informed her. “You are due to lower the sun in a half hour. I took the liberty of ordering a late lunch.”
Celestia looked over at the small banquet spread over the audience room table. “You’re too good to me, Steiny.”
The professor blushed. “Only the best treatment for my princess,” he told her.
“Is that part of your ‘treatment’ as well?” the Princess asked, pointing at a large silver cup planted on the center of the table.
Stein picked up the object with his mouth and carried it into Celestia’s hooves. “As a matter of fact,” he said with a smile, “it’s a present from a unicorn named Vinyl Scratch.”
Princess Celestia looked the present over. On one side of the base was inscribed the words “Old Coots Association” and on the other was “Whopper of the Year”. Beneath the latter was a shiny new plate with the words “7015 Awarded to Princess Celestia, for saying ‘I just want to be a normal pony’ with a straight face.”
It was the best laugh the Princess had had in a very, very long time.
Author’s Note:
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is copyright Hasbro, with extra credit given to Lauren Faust for the specifics of the series. The characters of Celestia, Luna/Nightmare Moon, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack, and the locations of Fillydelphia, Ponyville and Canterlot, are taken from that source. Vinyl Scratch/DJ Pon-3 and Doctor Whooves are background characters from the series, and so their characterizations are entirely my creation. Also mine are the characters of Uncle Philo, Archibald and Bismuth, the Supreme Will and Waking Terror, and the concept of the “Old Coots Association” and their annual award. The anti-magic concoction described in the story is taken from the fanfic “In Her Majesty’s Royal Service”, by Sagebrush, although I do think the “corking” application of it is original.
The “Obscure Reference of the Day” award goes to the line “Take all the time you need!”, which was lifted from the 1966 film The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t. And yes, that means that Pinkie Pie is Mrs. Santa.
