Televisionarialism

by Crystalchameleon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 2464

The Pie family is Amish, right? They don't belong to a religion called Televisionarialism that preaches that Equestria is a world artificially created for a TV show... Right?

The Pie family is very serious about their religion. Their religion believes that Equestria was created by writers and animators from another world in order to keep their otherworldly species entertained. Pinkie and her friends have the most legendary friendship in Equestria, but will it still stand after Twilight, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity find out that Pinkie doesn't even believe that their world is real?

Make sure to check out this song by OnlyJustCrazy partially inspired by this story. Thank you OnlyJustCrazy!

Published 2020-07-25 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-25 17:20:01 UTC

Televisionarialism

“Thank you guys for coming! Gummy was sure you weren’t going to make it!” Pinkie said to her friends. The Cakes were away on a business trip, so Pinkie and her friends were having a party at Sugarcube Corner. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“Oh, come on Pinkie! We would never miss one of your parties! Especially not a party dedicated to… Umm… What was it again?” Rainbow asked. Applejack glared at her. Pinkie just smiled and jumped up and down.

“It’s celebrating National Cinnamon Roll Day!” she said excitedly. Her friends looked a bit confused.

“But Pinkie… Not to be rude or anything, but… If it’s for National Cinnamon Roll Day, then why are there… I don’t want to offend you, but I’m just curious about… Not that I’m saying you have to, but…” Fluttershy mumbled.

“I think what Fluttershy means to say is, why is there a cake and no cinnamon rolls?” Applejack completed, staring at the ornately decorated cake that went up so high that it almost touched the ceiling.

“Weeeeelllllll, I started making cinnamon rolls, but when I was in the middle of making the dough, I realized that we ran totally out of sugar! And of course you can’t make cinnamon rolls without sugar, and I didn’t have time to go to the market and get some more, so I just added a ton of other ingredients, and turned it into a ten tier cinnamon roll flavored cake,” she blabbed over the course of roughly two seconds. Her friends gave her skeptical looks, but had no time to respond before the door opened, and a grey earth pony mare walked into the bakery.

“Maud! You made it!” Pinkie exclaimed happily. Rarity giggled a bit awkwardly.

“Maud! I see you’re wearing the exact same outfit that you were the last time I saw you,” Rarity said through a false smile. “It’s wonderful, as always,” she continued, gritting her teeth. Maud simply blinked at her emotionlessly.

At least it seemed emotionless to Pinkie’s friends, but when Pinkie saw Maud’s expression, her smile vanished.

“What’s wrong, Maud?” Pinkie said worriedly. Twilight narrowed her eyes at Maud, seemingly trying to figure out what in Equestria had indicated that she was feeling any different than normal. Maud sighed.

“It’s nothing too bad. Yesterday was Church Day,” Maud said stoically. Pinkie gasped,

“Oh my gosh! I totally forgot! I haven’t missed a year since… Well, ever. Are you sure you’re okay?” Pinkie asked.

“Yeah. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. How embarrassing. Can I go to your room for a minute to compose myself?” Maud asked, her expression still not changing. Pinkie nodded her head. Maud then proceeded towards the staircase leading to Pinkie’s room.

“What was that all about?” Rainbow asked carelessly. This time, Applejack was not alone in glaring at her.

“Like she said, it’s nothing too bad. Just Church Day. It might not be the greatest party, but I guess it’s pretty fun in it’s own way,” Pinkie said.

“Pinkie,” Twilight started. “Exactly what kind of church does your family go to?” Twilight looked slightly disturbed.

“Me and my family are televisionarialists,” Pinkie said, absolutely sure that her explanation would make total sense to her friends.

“What in the hay is a televisionarialist?” Applejack asked skeptically. Pinkie tilted her head to the side in confusion.

“You guys don’t know what televisionarialism is?” Pinkie asked.

“No,” her friends said in unison. Pinkie laughed.

“You guys are so silly! I’m sure you’re at least familiar with our beliefs! Most ponies share at least some of them, and pretty much everypony gets the televisionarialism talk when they turn a certain age. The only difference is, as televisionarialists, me and my family listen to a talk like that annually instead of just when you’re transitioning from a foal to a mare,” Pinkie explained. Rainbow looked thoughtful.

“A talk that you get when you’re growing out of foalhood. Is it like the talk about-”

“Don’t you dare,” Applejack interrupted. Rainbow shrunk away from the frightening tone in Applejack’s voice. Pinkie continued to stand there, smiling obliviously.

“Who knows? Maybe we have had this televisle-whatever-it-is chat. Perhaps you could refresh our memory, darling?” Rarity asked.

“No problem!” Pinkie said. “Televisionarialism is mostly concerned with educating ponies about how to live happily with the knowledge that we’re not really alive,” Pinkie said. Twilight’s jaw dropped. She’d gotten a notepad and quill ready to take notes, and that had clearly not been what she was expecting.

“What?” Applejack yelled. Rarity fainted onto a fancy couch that may or may not have appeared out of nowhere to catch her. Pinkie herself looked more shocked than anypony as she looked at her friends’ reactions.

“Wait. None of you ever got the talk?” she asked in astonishment.

“What do you mean, ‘We’re not alive’? I am very much alive! How could I be the coolest, fastest, most epic pony in history if I’m not alive?” Rainbow yelled, outraged.

“It’s scientifically impossible!” Twilight added. Fluttershy stayed totally silent, staring at the floor confusedly.

“I know it probably doesn’t make much sense just hearing it like that. Want me to explain how it works?” Pinkie asked. Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“By all means! Tell us,” she said aggressively.

“The truth is, our entire world was written and animated into existence by a bunch of creatures called ‘humans’ trying to entertain their fillies! Well, not really fillies. Televisionarialists theorize that the creatures that created us call their young, ‘children’,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly.

“Humans?” Twilight exclaimed. “I’ve been to the human world, and I know that they didn’t create us! That’s impossible,” Pinkie laughed again.

“Not that human world, silly! The real humans created that world too! The humans in the world that created us aren’t anywhere near as colorful as the EG world or FiM world!”

“What are EG and FiM?” asked Applejack. Fluttershy started to cry.

“I… I’m not real!” Fluttershy exclaimed in distress.

“Don’t buy any of this, Fluttershy! There’s no reason to believe any of it! I mean, I would make an epic character to base a story around. ‘Rainbow Dash! The Wonderbolt and Element of Loyalty! And of course, her sidekicks, the Elements of Harmony’,” Rainbow said.

“Oh, Rainbow! You’re not the main character. Twilight is! Oh, and EG is an acronym for Equestria Girls, and FiM is an acronym for Friendship is Magic. That’s what the TV shows are called!”

“See, Fluttershy? If I’m not the main character, clearly none of what she’s saying is true,” said Rainbow.

“Hey!” Twilight said, clearly offended. Pinkie looked very disappointed.

“You really don’t believe me?” Pinkie asked in surprise. They all looked down, unable to meet Pinkie’s eyes.

“Fluttershy?” Pinkie asked hopefully. Fluttershy started to cry again.

“Don’t make me choose,” Fluttershy said in between cries. Pinkie inhaled, and just when her friends were sure that she was going to burst into tears, she let out a calm-ish breath, a determined smile coming to her face.

“I’ll prove it to you,” she said, her mind already made up.

“How d’you plan on doing that?” Applejack asked.

“Uhh…” Pinkie said, trying to think of something.

“Oh! Everypony, look at your hooves!” Pinkie commanded. After sharing a slightly nervous look, her friends complied, turning their necks down to look at their hooves.

“If you’re trying to remind me that my hooves need a wash, don’t bother. I’m aware,” Rarity said.

“No,” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes light-heartedly. “Look closer.” Pinkie’s friends leaned down a bit more.

“Closer!” Pinkie commanded almost immediately afterward. “Good! Can you see them?” Pinkie asked vaguely.

“What exactly should we be seeing?” asked Twilight.

“The pixels! See how your entire body is made up of little square thingies? Those are called pixels. They’re like the building blocks that the animators used to create our world!” Pinkie preached. Twilight sighed exasperatedly.

“Pinkie. Everyone knows that all molecules are square-shaped. That’s why it looks like we’re made of little squares. They’re not pixels. They’re molecules,” Twilight explained.

“That’s what they want us to think!” Pinkie said.

“That’s what who wants us to think?” Rainbow asked.

“The humans!” Pinkie yelled. Her friends didn’t look convinced. At all.

“Okay, the pixels were a bad example. Umm… Ooh! Try cussing,” Pinkie said. Fluttershy widened her eyes in horror.

“I don’t think I feel comfortable with that,” Fluttershy said.

“You know what? Why don’t we just eat the cinnamon cake, and forget this came up?” Twilight suggested.

“First of all, it’s a cinnamon roll cake. And second, I can’t just forget about it… I don’t want you girls to think that… Please just try,” Pinkie pleaded. Rainbow looked like she’d been holding in her emotions due to Applejack for a bit too long.

“Oh my gosh Pinkie! Will you please just *bleep* off about this?” Rainbow asked angrily. Pinkie brightened.

“See? It bleeped you!” Pinkie said triumphantly. Rainbow’s eye twitched with annoyance.

“Pinkie, somepony’s alarm must’ve gone off nearby. It wasn’t some invisible force bleeping out Rainbow’s cuss word. It was just a coincidence,” Twilight said.

“It wasn’t a coincidence! And humans aren’t an invisible force. Cuss again! You’ll see,” said Pinkie.

“Please don’t,” Fluttershy said quietly.

“Pinkie, we’re not going to keep cussing to see if ‘humans’ from another world will bleep us out,” Twilight said. Pinkie groaned.

“Fine! Let’s try something else,” Pinkie suggested.

“Darling, I really don’t think-”

“Just give me one more chance, you guys!” Pinkie said, interrupting Rarity. Pinkie’s friends looked incredibly tired of this subject, but they didn’t have the will to stop Pinkie.

“Look over there!” Pinkie said, pointing at you. Her friends looked around, looking at everything except you.

“I see… A wall?” Fluttershy said questioningly. Pinkie glared at them indignantly.

“No! Can’t you see the screen? Can’t you see that creepy stalker person that’s watching everything we do from the other side?” Pinkie said, still looking at you. Pinkie’s friends grew more and more concerned.

“Sugarcube, are you sure you’re alright?” Applejack asked.

“I’m fine!” Pinkie said. She was starting to get angry now. “I just can’t believe that my own friends don’t even believe me!” Rainbow matched Pinkie’s anger.

“Why should we? It’s ridiculous! I don’t know how you think we could ever believe something so stupid and crazy!” Rainbow yelled. All of Pinkie’s anger deflated as her frizzy hair straightened itself out. She looked at her friends, searching each of their faces.

“You guys… You guys think I’m stupid and crazy?” Pinkie asked, holding back tears. Her friends said nothing.

“Oh, Pinkie. I warned you this would happen. Why do you think our sisters and I don’t have any friends? You don’t have to feel ashamed just because you know the truth about the world. Just because ponies think we’re insane doesn’t mean we should see ourselves that way,” Maud said from the bottom of the staircase, making everypony jump at her sudden presence. Pinkie didn’t look at all encouraged.

“I guess you’re right,” Pinkie said, letting a few tears fall to her cheeks.

“Now hold on just a minute!” Applejack said. Pinkie looked up at her in surprise. “I don’t know what’s wrong with Rainbow, but I don’t think you’re stupid or crazy,” Applejack announced. Pinkie perked up a bit.

“Me neither,” Fluttershy added softly.

“Pinkie Pie, you can be a bit… Confusing at times, but you’re certainly not stupid or crazy,” said Rarity.

“I don’t see how it makes sense from a logical perspective, but I wouldn’t call it stupid or crazy either,” Twilight said. Everypony looked to Rainbow. Rainbow sighed.

“I’m sorry Pinkie. I didn’t mean it,” Rainbow said. Pinkie’s hair inflated back to it’s normal volume.

“Really? So you guys do believe me?” Pinkie asked hopefully. Pinkie’s friends cringed.

“To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t say that I believe you,” Applejack said. Pinkie looked incredibly confused.

“I don’t understand,” Pinkie said. Twilight smiled.

“Oh, Pinkie. We don’t have to believe in the same things to be able to respect your beliefs. We may not believe in your religion, but that doesn’t mean we think it’s stupid,” Twilight explained.

“Yeah! And even if we did, it would take a lot more than a religion to break our friendship,” Rainbow said. Pinkie teared up again, but this time, her tears were relieved rather than sad.

“Thank you so much! You guys are the bestest friends ever!” Pinkie said.

“Let’s promise that from now on, we won’t let religion get in the way of our friendship, or judge each other for believing things that we may not believe ourselves,” Twilight suggested. Everypony murmured their agreement.

“Now that we’ve got that settled, let’s dig into this cinnamon roll cake! I am hungry!” Rainbow said. Pinkie smiled.

“Okay!” Pinkie said. Then, she cringed and turned to Maud.

“I’m so sorry. You can’t eat any cake because of your corn allergy,” Pinkie said to Maud.

“Dang it,” Maud said expressionlessly.

“Wait. There’s corn in the cake?” Applejack asked suspiciously. Pinkie giggled.

“Not corn, silly! High fructose corn syrup! How do you think I made the cake with no sugar?” Pinkie asked. Rainbow looked at the cake, seemingly seeing it in a whole new way. She gagged.

“On second thought, can we go back to talking about religion?” Rainbow asked. A moment of silence passed before they all burst into laughter. Well, except Maud of course, who just stood there and blinked at them.

“I love you guys!” Pinkie said. They all huddled up into a giant group hug, Maud included. In the middle of the hug, Pinkie opened her eyes, and looked right at you, winking.

The credits rolled. Two humans watched them going by. They were both men. One of them looked to be in their mid twenties, while the other looked like he might be in his late thirties. The younger one watched the credits with a nervous and somewhat embarrassed smile. The older one glared at the younger one.

“Steve, I told you to keep those televisionarialists under control! There’s no way we can stream this episode!” said the older man.

“It was still PG, and it still had a good moral for kids,” Steve said, trying to defend himself.

“You’re fired!” yelled the older man. Steve hunched his shoulders in defeat as he left the room.

“I knew we shouldn’t have given animated characters the ability to think for themselves! Darn those televisionarialists!”

Author's Note

Hi there!

This story was not meant to offend anyone. Only to be funny, and remind everyone that religion shouldn't get in the way of friendships or relationships. (But mostly to be funny :raritywink:)

If you liked this story, be sure to give it a thumbs up, and comment with your thoughts. Thank you for reading!