Bugthesda Blues
Ugh. The bright blue screen of death hit my eyes. Damn, this close? Two weeks away from release, and one of these pop up? My holey tail and ears drooped. Yeah, this was going to be fun. I sighed, then rebooted the computer.
What did they say in the movie? In space, nopony can hear you scream? Well, in the Quality Assurance department of Bugthesda, that was true too. Really, each QA specialist needed the soundproofing spell on their boring, beige cubicle. My guess, considering how Foalout 76 was going, was that this was to keep morale up. Nopony would be able to concentrate if they had to hear wails or weeping. But, it still seemed too quiet.
Before I left my cubicle—which stunk of desperation, cans of Red Mule and old blood—I checked my emotion jar. I could definitely use a jolt right about now. Nope, it was empty. I wondered if someone was siphoning a bit off the top. A gnawing filled my gut; I could really go for some nice emotions right about now.
Oh yeah, the smell of old blood. It was from a red balloon that all the new employees got from IT. Most of them managed to give them away or deal with them, but no, I had to go all slicey-slicey. Of course, nopony told me that the balloons were filled with blood. Lots of blood. How did they put all of that blood in a balloon? It was like a small lake. A small red lake.
Facilities Management came by, and tried to clean up. Unfortunately, to get rid of all of the blood, they would have had to dismantle the cubicle. Since it was during crunch time, it was decided to clean up later. So now, I just put up with the stink. Oh yeah, and the stink eye from any creature working in Facilities Management and my co-workers.
Who am I, you ask? Well, I doubt you care, but anyway, I'm Drone 4432, an OC. You know, an Original Changeling. Black chitin, bug, um, faceted eyes. Bug is a four letter word here. There are guidelines from ER, Equine Resources, on that. Now, to go see if there's any company with my misery. Let’s just squeeze out here—
Whoa! Almost got run over by some tumbleweeds! Facilities Management must be losing it. Anyway, I trotted by the rows of empty cubicles. Some of them had monitors with blue screens of death while others showed earlier versions of the game. I remembered when all of these cubicles were filled with changelings busy testing. What happened to them? I'd heard that crunch time was rough, but really? Well, gotta get back to work. I don’t have any excuse to be out here if the boss comes calling.
It seemed like an hour passed while I rebooted the game and wrote all of the steps leading to the crash. After that, I was going to put them in the defect database. That’s when I saw a winged shadow appear behind me in the reflection of my monitor.. Ugh, it was my boss, Gayle Twitchpinion.
There's a good reason why griffons are almost never given customer service jobs. In fact, changelings do better unless the customer has a dislike of them. Gayle was a textbook example.
She smiled.
I grimaced. Something crappy this way comes.
“Good morning, Drone 3411!” she chirped.
Yep, my misgivings were right. I looked at my name tag. “I'm Drone 4432.”
She waved her left claw dismissively. “My bad, all of you—”
Really! She's going there? “Don't say it.”
Gayle pulled back her left claw like it got singed. “Okay. Big picture, how's Foalout 76 coming along? Is it ready for release?” A large grin covered her face.
Release? Maybe with a magical burst to the head to put it out of its misery. Maybe someone could give it the sweet release of death. “The game causes a BSOD on every menu item except for the store.”
“Did you put the report in the bug database?” Gayle asked as her grin rotted away to a frown.
My eyes narrowed. “You do realize that you said the 'B' word? Do I need to report this to ER?”
She stepped back as her red eyes darted around like creatures from ER were already coming to get her. “No, sorry, I meant the defect database. Please don't report me. Been there, and I don't want to ruin my completion bonus. So many screams, and feathers all over the place!”
Gayle did a slow blink. ”Did you update the database?”
“Yes.” What’s a completion bonus?
“Did you test the marecrotransactions? They just gotta work.” Gayle said while still looking around like she was trapped.
I nodded. “Yes, but I can't see them inside the game be—”
At that moment, we heard somepony scream. “Please let me go back! All I have to do is to increase the heap by sixty-four thousand bytes.”
Another pony answered. “Should've done that before we found you drooling in front of your computer. Lie back down, it will all be over soon.”
Gayle walked out of my cubicle.
I couldn't see too much past her big lion butt, but I did see two ponies carrying a changeling on a stretcher through the QA department.
Gayle quivered.
The stretcher carriers ignored us as they left the area.
A big ball of ice formed in my stomach. Another casualty of crunch time. How many employees got stretchered out? Was all of this worth it? Then I remember the all-hooves meeting...
Everypony sat in the grand meeting room while Chrysalis raked us with her cold green eyes. It was a few years after the Reconciliation. That's when Chrysalis and the remaining black-chitin changelings decided to join Equestrian society. Then the former Queen started a software company, Bugthesda Softworks. Somepony poked me, and I turned my attention to the goings-on up front.
Bug Howard pranced around on stage. “You can stand on a hillside and see the weather front sweep in. Sixteen times the detail...”
Sounded good, but then they decided to use an upgraded version of the Desecration Engine. It was old enough to smoke and drink and live a better life than most of us. They should've given that tired old engine a gold watch, but no, it was trotted- or more likely, dragged- out, screaming for mercy, to do more service.
“Um, Drone?” Gayle said while peering at me.
I came back to reality with a feeling of dread. “Yeah?”
“Finish your reports, update the database then go down to the devs, and tell them what you found. I'd like to get this game released on time,” Gayle said.
I nodded. One thing, I had to know. “What's a completion bonus?”
Gayle flinched. “Gotta go!” She turned quickly and tried to fly away. It didn't work out so well though. She hit her head on the ceiling and grunted. Some broken ceiling tiles fell into an empty cubicle.
Why was she so spooked that she had to leave so quickly? Whatever. My stomach grumbled. Guess that ball of ice melted. I checked out the clock on my screen. One more hour before the lunch cart came. Hope it does come, and I don't have to go to the lunchroom. Food would be alright, but I'd have to go questing for filled emotion jars, and I’m not the adventurous type.
Yeah, I'm a good changeling. I can get my emotions just by hanging around creatures, but I want the good stuff, not the emotions generated by stressed creatures. Have enough of my own. Well, it's off to Development Tartarus. Definitely not going to get any good emotions there.
While QA had a beige and brown with white color scheme, the Dev section had a blue and dark blue decor. I stopped in front of an arch made of upside-down Amarezon boxes. You know, the ones with the grins except now they were upside-down. Right under the arch there was a plaque that read, “Abandon heap, all who allocate here!” What did that mean? Whatever, I had work to do, and maybe they could spare some emo jars. I sighed and passed under the arch.
The Development section was dark. Devs only need light from their monitors, unlike other departments. Like the QA department, the cubicles were soundproofed and empty. Where are all of the Devs? In the distance, I could hear a squeaking noise headed towards me. Well, I gotta find some devs to pass on my report. Yeah, I could call them, but I find talking directly to be better.
Then I heard the voice.
“Who knew that a sewer condo in Derry would be so expensive. Freakin folks from the city buying up all of the cheap apartments! Just gotta hold on until I get my completion bonus. I love the taste of fear, but this place has the low quality stuff. Tastes like cat piss,” the voice said.
A few moments later I got to see who was talking. The head of IT, Ponywise. He's an earth pony dressed up like a clown with bright red hair. Not quite sure how an earth pony got fangs, but I have those too. No big deal.
Ponywise was pushing two carts with some sort of mechanical changelings on them. Even though they were machines, somehow I felt sorry for them. Their eyes looked like they were melted and sparks sizzled out of their ears. Did I really want to know?
“Hiya Drone 4432. Do you want a balloon?” A manic smile played across his lips while his eyes shone with a yellow glow.
“Um, no,” I said, then pointed to the metal changelings. “What's up with those?”
Ponywise chuckled as the yellow glow faded from his eyes. “Well, keep it under your hat. Those were supposed to be robot coders from Marecrosoft. Bugthesda is having problems attracting coding talent. They tried to use these prototype bots with coding AI. Just took these two a few hours before they smashed open an electrical socket and zapped themselves. I'm glad I don't code.”
I sighed. Damn. Things are so bad even bots couldn't handle it. Was this game going to be released on time so the crunch could end? Don't know, gotta focus on the current situation. Wait, there was still an unanswered question on my mind. “Ponywise, what's a completion bonus?”
Ponywise flinched like I stuck an asthma inhaler full of battery acid in his face. “Gotta go! Excuse me!”
I barely had time to get out of the way as Ponywise rushed off. The squeaking of the cart's wheels turned into a wail.
I trudged on into the dark and dismal dev department. From further in I heard voices.
“Do you see all of this stuff we gotta do? How are we going to finish this game on time?”
“Don't worry, do your best, it'll come together like magic.”
“My bug, that's Biomare. They got the magic. We don't.”
“I heard that Biomare is having problems getting Anathema out the door. Doubt their magic will help them this time.”
Finally, I walked into a dimly lit area with four changelings. They had drooping tails and ears. Anywhere else this would be a sad thing, but here, it was just Tuesday. Um, what day was it? I really didn’t know. All the days just seemed to blend together. Well, that was crunch time.
The tallest one, Drone 4332 sighed. There was a lot of misery and weariness there. “I bet you're here to talk about the menu crash, right?”
I nodded.
They all exchanged glances.
A chill went down my back. Oh yeah, this was going to be good. Not.
Drone 4332 faced the floor. “Um, give us an hour, and we'll send you the new version with the fixes.”
I nodded again. What could I do? “Thanks guys.”
They nodded and shuffled off to their cubicles.
I headed out of the area, and tried to ignore the weeping behind me. Wished this day was over already.
After some time, I was back in my cube. Somepony had left a lunch box and an emo jar. Yes! I could get rid of that gnawing hunger. Wait, what if the jar was tampered with like the last one? The way I felt now, I wanted a full jar. I peered closely at the emo container. So far, so good. Oh no, there it was, a small crack in the seal. My heart fell. How much did they steal from me?
For a moment, I felt alright, but the hunger didn't go away. Damn. The jar was only half full. Who the heck was stealing from the emo jars? I seriously thought about going to ER, but then my computer chimed. That meant the new version of the game was here. I'd think about going to ER later. Got a game to test.
I fired up the game and tested the menus, they worked. With a tired sigh, I started a new game. Made a new char, did the tasks within Stable 76, and then I was out in the irradiated wilderness. Light blazed from the ground for no reason. Monsters and mutants just stood there like they’d lost the will to live, while others went through closed doors to get at me. Then there were the graphical glitches. Ugh, so many. How could they release this game with all of these flaws?
Something tore inside my head. It was like the ripping of something soft and wet. Ugh, I probably lost something important.
The warm sun of the wasteland bathed my body in its comforting glow. Monsters were fine challenges to overcome. I was having the time of my life. Every bit of scrap I scavenged was a tiny treasure in its own right. Then I heard the voices in the distance.
“Damn, another one. Another casualty of crunch time,” one voice said.
“Let's put him on the gurney. Too bad, they really need QA,” another voice said.
Wait. What are these voices saying? “Hey! I'm busy testing this fun game!” That should tell them! I had to get back to work.
“No, you're giggling and drooling in front of a monitor with a BSOD on it,” The first voice said.
I felt my body being placed on a stretcher. Wait? Gotta focus, but my mind felt so hazy. Wanted to sleep.
My eyes closed for a moment. The beige ceiling tiles changed to green. I heard ponies and other creatures on phones. Whoa, I'm in Sales. The amount of chatter and action in this area almost got me thinking of getting off the stretcher. Almost.
The green ceiling tiles changed to a cloudless blue sky and warm sun. It had been a while since I had seen both. My shift started before dawn and ended after dusk. That's what one needs to do for crunch time. Sadness filled my heart. I had to get back to work! My legs still felt like lead blocks. “I have to get back to work,” I wheezed weakly.
“No can do. You're burnt out,” one voice said.
“Another one for the pile,” the other voice said.
Who were these ponies? I tried to look at them, but my neck and head wouldn't move. Why? Pile?
Then they threw me up into the air.
No! I tried to get my wings working, but they just didn't respond. It was like I was just a mind in a body of lead.
I landed on something soft that struggled weakly. “Sorry.”
Whatever it was just mumbled something.
Somewhere below me, Gayle gasped. “Damn! One more freakin' day and I could've gotten my completion bonus. One more day. Made so much money skimming off of the emo jars, and now I can't spend it,” she groaned softly.
So she's the emo jar thief. I better focus on getting away and dealing with her later. Gotta get away from here! Come on body, move those legs! Nothing happened. No way, I can't stay here. Must focus harder. My left hind leg twitched. Yes! I panted as I focused on getting my body to work. The other legs moved. Soon I would be able to get up and do something.
“Another one for the pile!” Somepony said.
A weight fell on me. The sky was blocked by a changeling that was dumped on top of my body. “Hey!”
It just gurgled.
The weight wasn't too bad, my chitin could handle it. Gotta get back to moving my body out of here.
“Oh,Celestia, the weight is too much! I can't take it anymore! I'm gonna get squashed if they drop more ponies on us!” Gayle howled.
Another voice panted, then snapped at her. “Why do you think they call it crunch time?”
More ponies were dumped on top of us. Several creatures screamed, then went quiet.
I think one of them was Gayle. The pressure on me was pretty intense, but I think I can handle it.
There was a loud crunch.
Author's Note
Story was edited by:
thehalfelf
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/65414/thehalfelf
Alias_The_J
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/345013/Alias_The_J
AzuraKeres
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/322396/AzuraKeres
Thanks for all of your help.