Pinkie Pie had a coal-powered electric toaster. It was a caring coal-powered electric toaster. It kept her burning hot on freezing nights, it made her food when she was sick, and it listened attentively whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. Pinkie would brag to her friends about her lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster more than anything. She loved her lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster more than her friends, and she never passed up an opportunity to show it off. She carried her lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster everywhere she went. It was light enough that she could fit it in her saddlebags, and small enough that she could still fit in a cupcake or twenty. Those were just a few of the many qualities of her wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster.
One Tuesday morning, Twilight Sparkle was at Sugarcube Corner to pick up her order of sixty (untoasted) blue-berry waffles. The Cakes were on vacation in an underground city in San Palomino Dessert, and Pinkie Pie was left in charge of the shop. Pinkie Pie’s wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster sat at the counter. Twilight hummed a merry little tune as Pinkie Pie walked out of the kitchen.
“Hi Pinkie Pie!” Twilight said as she walked up to the counter “I’m here to pick up my wa—oh my gosh is that your wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster?” Twilight’s jaw fell to the floor as she saw the messiah of all toasters standing before her.
“Hey, Twilight! Yes, that is indeed my wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster in all its wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric-ness.” The two ponies stared and admired its extremely long cable and its two beautiful, luscious holes for sticking their toasts in. It was a very sexy wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster. Just then, Twilight had an amazing idea.
“Oh! I have an idea! What if, we take that sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster, and stick our toasts in it?” To elaborate, Twilight mimed the actions of sticking her toast in Pinkie’s sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster. Pinkie gasped at the idea.
“No, no no no! We can’t! We couldn’t possibly stick your toast in my sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster. How could you even suggest such a thing?!”
“Because that’s what toasters are for?” Twilight questioned. “Don’t tell me you’ve had that sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster for months and never thought of using it.”
“One does not simply use my sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster.” Pinkie said in a familiar tone. “Besides, Twi, you can’t just stick your toast in it. You might hurts its feelings!”
“Fine. I’ll just collect my waffles and be on my way.” Twilight said
“Right, I’ll be right back then. Oh, and make sure you do not press that button, even if the plot forces you to.”
“The what?”
“Nothing!” And with that, Pinkie hopped merrily into the kitchen to get Twilight’s waffles.
Twilight stood before Pinkie’s sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster. Twilight was practically drooling now. She wanted to stick her toast in Pinkie’s sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster so badly. Overcome by lust, she pulled out her toast and shoved it into Pinkie’s sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster, and pressed the button. Immediately the room was filled with an aroma that molested Twilight’s nostrils. It hurt, but it hurt good. Just then another sensation hit Twilight, causing her to freeze in place. It tickled her body all over, sending jolts of pleasure and pain up her spine. The room was bathed in every single colour imaginable, yet throughout all this, no one outside Sugarcube Corner took notice.
The sensations continued to cause mini big bangs within Twilight. Her eyes were open throughout all this, and she saw the sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster shatter, and the wall in front of her take shape into a hideous creature. It looked like a mixture of horse and pony; a truly horrifying sight to behold. It appeared to be frowning. Just as it was about to say something, a grenade tied to a piano dropped down on it and exploded, killing the shadow of the terrifying pony.
Just then, a hula-hooping Princess Celestia entered the room, stepped on Twilight Sparkle, and turned into a box of canned potatoes which then turned into Princess Luna with three heads. They were arguing to themselves.
“We’re telling thou, Original Coca-cola is better!” the left head exclaimed.
“Impossible! Diet Coca-cola is superior!” the right head argued back.
“Cease the arguing! It is obvious that Mountain Dew is the superior drink!” the middle head retorted.
Twilight Sparkle, despite her state, listened attentively. It made her question her taste on beverages. It was true that she liked Coca-cola a lot, but she could not dismiss the wonderful taste of Mountain Dew. Perhaps she would ask her friends for their professional opinion on the different kinds of beverages available. Perhaps one day, if she were to survive this ordeal, she would try a mixture of both.
That’s a huge ‘if’.
By now the sensations had reached the kitchen. The kitchen walls, overcome by pleasure, started melting. Pinkie Pie felt the liquid wall touch her back and screamed. She tried to run away but the sensations had paralyzed her.
“Twilight! Twilight! What did you do?!” Pinkie screamed. She got no reply. “Oh no… she didn’t, did she?” Pinkie murmured. She desperately forced herself to turn her neck upwards. With one final breath, she shouted, “Damn you sexy, wonderful, lightweight, lovely, caring coal-powered electric toaster!!!”
Then Sugarcube Corner exploded and everypony died. Twilight Sparkle will never find out which beverage is the better beverage. Pinkie Pie will never be able to live her dream of becoming a professional tea taster in a rural village in Neighpon, and everypony lived happily ever after.
