Chapters Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
The Make-A-Whoosh Foundation
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Today my author's notes are in reverse order:
Either way, I promise you a mostly happy ending.
So, this is either a story about the aftermath of a lab accident, or a story about Twilight Sparkle's efforts to rescue a filly from abusive parents.
"Thank you so much for helping the Make-A-Whoosh Foundation!" Miss Bridlewhinny said.
Twilight bent over the sickbed. "Are you sure there's even a pony in here?"
"Oh, sure! She's just very small, and the blankets are very thick and rumpled. Here, let me show you." Miss Bridlewhinny reached for the foot of the bed and pulled the blankets off.
Twilight looked at the now-exposed bed. "Miss Bridlewhinny? This bed is empty."
"Ah, yes," Miss Bridlewhinny said. "It's a side effect of her condition." Miss Bridlewhinny reached under the bed and pulled out a short, skinny filly whose torso was wrapped in bandages. "Here she is! She's just very shy."
"Her condition is being shy?"
"She's shy because her earth pony magic is very, very weak. It's so weak that instead of making her strong, it just leaves her weak and scrawny and undersize. And embarrassed about it."
Twilight bent down to talk to the pony patient face-to-face. "Hello, little..."
"Scrawny flanks," the pony said.
"What?" Twilight protested. "That's not a nice thing to call anypony."
Miss Bridlewhinny coughed. "That's her real name: Scrawny Flanks."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Some parents. So anyway, Miss...may I call you S.F.?"
"Sure!" the little pony said. "I don't think I've ever had a real nickname before! Mostly just Hay You, and You Stupid Weakling. Stuff like that."
"I'd rather call you S.F. So, S.F., what can I do for you?"
"I want to make a whoosh...I mean, a wish."
"I'll do the best I can for you. What's your wish?"
"I'm not any good at being an earth pony. So I want you to turn me into a pegasus..."
Twilight murmured, "Huh! If I could do that, your light frame might be an advantage for flying."
"...and a unicorn."
Twilight looked nonplussed. "Say what?"
"A pegasus and a unicorn. I wanna be a pegasus and a unicorn. If I'm a pegasus and a unicorn and an earth pony, I might not be good at all of them but I gotta be good at one at least. So turn me into all three of them, all at the same time."
"Little pony...I'm not sure that's possible to do."
The pony wailed, "You promised! You promised! Are you gonna break your promise and make a little filly feel bad on her deathbed? Waaaaah! WAAAAAAAAH!"
Miss Bridlewhinny gave Twilight a dirty look, and whispered, "THIS is why you're supposed to be careful what you say when you talk to sick little fillies."
Twilight blinked. "But I didn't..I don't think...I didn't say..."
Twilight blinked a few more times. "I'm sorry, little S.F. I didn't mean to make you feel bad."
"But you promised! You promised!"
"I promised to do the best I could for you. I never promised that I could do what nopony has ever done before."
The little pony sniffled. "But Princess Twilight, you're so amazing and magical that I know you can do anything!"
"I am flattered that you have so much faith in me, little pony--"
"You just don't want to do it."
Twilight said, "I'll TRY to find a way to help you feel better. I just don't think I can do impossible things like turning you into an alicorn."
The pony sniffled again. "Just promise me that you'll try, Princess Twilight."
"I--"
"Or I'll cry again. Because the Princess didn't even try to help me."
Miss Bridlewhinny put one hoof on Twilight's shoulder and led her out of the room. "I'll get you our little patient's medical records. Maybe you'll find some way to help her. If we're lucky, maybe you'll even find a complete cure for IEPS."
"IEPS?"
"Inadequate Earth Pony Syndrome. It's the official medical name for her ailment. Nopony knows how to cure it."
"Well," Twilight said, "I'll try. But I can't promise anything but to try."
Miss Bridlewhinny patted Twilight on the shoulder. "Thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle. That's all we can ask."
An assistant led Twilight into another building, and helped her feel better by distracting her with paperwork to fill out. Miss Bridlewhinny went back into the room with the patient, and picked up a list.
"So," Bridlewhinny said, "Looks like the next item on our agenda is to get you special favors from the Wonderbolts. Maybe season tickets and a behind the scenes tour?"
"Oh yeah!" S.F. said. "I love you, Mommy! You really know how to abuse a position of authority!"
"Yes," Miss Bridlewhinny said, "You should have seen the special treatment I received when I was choosing which city would host the All-Equestrian Spring Games. Ponies were terrified of disappointing me in any way."
"Someday I want to grow up to be just like you, Mommy!"
Miss Bridlewhinny chucked her little daughter under the chin affectionately. "We'll see, dearest. Maybe Twilight Sparkle will find a way to cure your IEPS and help you become the biggest, strongest, toughest pony in all Equestria. And then the Make-A-Whoosh Foundation will steal all the credit for finding the IEPS cure."
"I hope so, Mommy!"
"I hope so too, dear."
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Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
Sleepovers Are Even More Magic With Accidental Explosions, Or, Tiny Alicorns Are Awesome
Twilight stood in the doorway of the Ponyville Castle, facing Miss Bridlewhinny and little S.F. "I'm so glad that S.F.'s parents agreed to let their daughter come to a special sleepover with all the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said.
Miss Bridlewhinny said, "A consolation prize is better than...what I mean is, I appreciate your inviting this special little filly to your crystal castle, and calling all the Element Bearers together to make her feel welcome."
Twilight smiled. "Did you get the permission slips from her parents? Sorry, it's just a formality."
Miss Bridlewhinny pulled some paperwork out of her saddlebags with her teeth, and passed them to Twilight.
Twilight glanced at the papers. She mumbled, "That's odd..."
"Oh?" Miss Bridlewhinny said.
"It's nothing! I'm just glad you were able to reach them in time and get their signatures. This sleepover should be...magical!"
Miss Bridlewhinny smiled. "I'm sure it will be. But I've got to gallop. A lot of sick little colts and fillies have special wishes to be granted, you know."
"I'm sure," Twilight said. The two waved their goodbyes and parted.
Twilight led little S.F. inside the castle to the Mane 6, and made introductions all around.
"If you would all accompany me to my lab," Twilight said, "I'd like to take some readings."
"That's Twilight for ya," Applejack chuckled, "always wanting to take some readings."
Pinkie Pie hopped along and said, "Twilight LOVES reading!"
When they reached the lab, Twilight pointed at a pedestal about two pony lengths across, and said, "S.F., if you would please stand there."
S.F. obeyed. "Will this...hurt much?" she asked.
"It shouldn't hurt at all," Twilight said. She turned on some machines and pointed them at the sickly little earth filly. "I just love to gather scientific knowledge."
The Mane 6 looked at each other uneasily.
"Twilight," Rarity said, "are you QUITE SURE you know what you're doing?"
Perhaps an unsettling gleam appeared in Twilight's eyes as she pulled out a wand and pointed it at the filly. "It'll be fine! Probably!"
"Probably?" the filly asked.
The wand exploded into pieces as it shot a bright beam of glowing energy at the filly, enveloping her in a blurry, multi-colored swirl of light. The swirling light condensed and focused into a sphere, and shrank more, into the shape of a pony only slightly larger than the filly. Finally there was a bright white flash and a "pop!"
"No problem at all!" Twilight said, with a crazed look on her face.
But nopony was left on the pedestal.
"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, "Where is she? What did you do to her?"
Rarity sniffed, "This is not funny, Twilight. Bring her back right now."
But the pedestal was still empty.
A very, very tiny hoof stuck up over the back edge of the pedestal. After a moment, another hoof came up too. A tiny creature whose entire body was the size of a normal pony's hoof leaped up from behind the pedestal and landed in the center.
"This is awesome!" the tiny pony said. "I've never been able to leap ten times my own length before!"
She bent her neck to look at herself. "This new body must be so tiny that my undersized earth pony magic isn't too small for me anymore! So now I'm strong. I've never felt so healthy!"
She unfolded little wings and flapped them, lifting herself into the air. "I can fly! This is great!" She flapped her wings clumsily, like any novice flyer, as she flew a slow, unsteady circle above the pedestal.
Finally, the tiny pony lit up her little horn and made a ball of light appear in the air. "You've done it! I'm an earth pony, AND a pegasus, AND a unicorn!"
Twilight giggled awkwardly. "Behold!" she said, "a cure for IEPS! With a few mostly acceptable side effects!"
Applejack laughed. "Is this what they call genius, Twilight? This is the funniest thing I've ever seen."
Pinkie Pie squealed, "So CUTE!"
Rarity said, "I'm sure Celestia will have some interesting opinions about this."
Fluttershy asked, "How long does it take to wear off?"
Twilight giggled nervously. "Wear off? I don't see why it should wear off. If it wears off, it's not a cure, is it."
"Will I be like this forever?" the filly said. "It's ok, if I'm like this forever. I can get used to being able to fly."
"Darling," Rarity said, "Are you really all right with being one hoof tall? I'm sure Twilight can find a way to fix you and bring you back to your old self."
"I never want to be my old self," the tiny filly said. "Because if I'm an alicorn and only one hoof tall, my parents prob'ly won't even recognize me. And then I won't ever have to go back."
Twilight walked carefully to the pedestal and lay down on her stomach, bringing her face level with the tiny filly. "Dear? Could you please tell me about your parents?"
The tiny filly said, "You got to promise not to be mad at me. For lying before."
Twilight said, "I won't be mad at you for lying before. I already know more than you might think. I recognized the mouthwriting on the permission slip that your mother brought me."
The filly's eyes went wide. "You mean Mommy Bridlewhinny."
"Yes," Twilight said, "Miss Bridlewhinny."
Twilight cleared her throat. "You called her Mommy Bridlewhinny. How many parents do you have?"
"When I was very little," the tiny filly said, "I had a mommy and a daddy. But they were angry ponies and they fought a lot. Sometimes it was because mommy was a unicorn and daddy was a pegasus and I was an earth pony, and how could that even happen, daddy would say.
"But Mommy Bridlewhinny bought me from my first parents, for some hard cider and fifty-three bits. She just kept putting hard cider under their noses until they couldn't keep saying no. Mommy is good at making deals with ponies."
Applejack's face looked a bit greenish.
"Mommy likes to tell me the story of how she bought me. She says it shows that she loves me more than any other pony. She says another way we know she loves me is, even though she has to put up with me every day, she never hits me in the face, only under the bandages. That's because she cares about me and she doesn't want to make me look bad. Mommy says if other ponies could see how much I've been punished, they might know how bad I really am and they might hate me for being so bad all the time.
"I shouldn't have told you that. You don't hate me now, do you?"
"We don't hate you at all, sugarcube," Applejack reassured the filly, very gently hugging her. "Ponies shouldn't hit you."
The tiny filly kept talking, telling the Main 6 all about her three parents.
Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
When the ponies returned from the lab, Spike goggled at the tiny pony flying slow circles around the Mane 6.
"Spike?" Twilight said, "Could you take Tiny Hooves here to play in the rumpus room? Please try to keep her from getting into any trouble."
"Sure," Spike said. "Tiny Hooves, I'm Spike. Would you like to see my comic books?" He led the newly-reshaped pony towards that part of the castle.
Twilight led the Mane 6 to a soundproofed conference room.
"So," Twilight said, "What do you think?"
"So far," Applejack said, "this has been one of the weirdest afternoons I've ever had. And not in a good way neither."
Fluttershy said softly, "We have a lot of things we need to talk about."
Twilight nodded. "Let's just accept that I've turned a tiny, sick filly into a tinier, healthier earth pony, pegasus, unicorn hybrid. Maybe she's a real alicorn, maybe she isn't. But what about her home life?"
Rarity said, "A lady doesn't leap to accuse another of mistreating her filly, or of being a scam artist. But some of the things we heard today...shocking."
Applejack said, "Sure makes me grateful for MAH family."
Rarity commented, "Dears, you might have noticed that while much of what that filly said seems to have a...broad ring of truth, some of what she said wasn't even consistent. I think she does suffer from a lot of abuse at home. I think as part of that abuse, her parents have made her very confused about the difference between right and wrong."
Applejack said, "Some of what she said reminds me of Flim and Flam. One of them tells a lie, and the other tries to tell lies that agree with it. With so many lies, sometimes it's hard for ponies like that to keep track."
Twilight pulled some parchment-thin rectangles out of her saddlebags. "When I said I wanted to take readings, I meant it. I've been working on some medical imaging spells."
Rainbow Dash stared at the X-ray-like pictures. "Whoa, what happened to her there, and there? That is NOT a usual sports injury, I can tell you."
Twilight said, "I think somepony broke a few of her foot bones, and the bones were never properly set. And in this scan, I think a few days ago somepony carefully AVOIDED breaking her ribs, but bruised her under the skin, next to a rib. Here, I think somepony kicked her in a kidney."
Rainbow asked, "Don't the doctors even notice this stuff?"
Twilight replied, "Aside from the transformation spell you ponies just saw me do, which is at best an experimental treatment that nopony but us knows about yet...there isn't really any known effective treatment for IEPS. I'm not sure that any real doctors see her on a regular basis. If a doctor does see that filly, I assume the filly's been coached to agree with any lies about how she was injured. Or maybe her mother blackmails some doctor into seeing the filly and keeping quiet about the signs of abuse."
"It makes me sick!" Rainbow shouted.
"I could kick somepony real hard," Applejack said.
"I've never heard or seen anything so horrible!" Rainbow screamed.
Fluttershy said in a soft voice, "I have."
The other ponies, surprised, looked at her.
"Oh," Twilight said, "of course you have."
"Because pets can't talk to most ponies," Fluttershy said, "and they have fewer rights than ponies under Equestrian law, some ponies think they can do anything to pets.
"I've known escaped pets who used to live in Canterlot and Manehattan, who were taught to pick pockets, to fly through windows and steal things, and other...bad tricks. The ponies who trained them didn't have a very good idea of the difference between right and wrong. And those trainers mistreated other ponies too, even foals. You don't want to know what some of those escaped pets have seen."
"I just thought this was going to be some light and cheerful little sleepover for cheering up a sick foal," Rainbow said. "Goes to show sometimes we just don't know what's coming."
"I'll admit I had a few clues," Twilight said.
"Twi? You coulda given us a bit of a heads-up before you sprung all this on us," Applejack said.
"I didn't know for sure, just suspicions. When I first met the patient, the bandages were wound in a way that I didn't think made medical sense. Not how a doctor or a nurse would have wrapped her. More like some laypony just put extra bandages all over her to make her look more pathetic. Or maybe to hide bruises."
"But you're not a doctor, or a nurse," Fluttershy said. "You've read some books."
"You're right. That's why I wasn't sure. You might have been suspicious too, Flutters, because you know a lot about proper medical care for different animals. But maybe you wouldn't have been sure either."
"So you invited the filly for a sleepover," Fluttershy said. "And now we know more."
"But how long until we have to return her to her parents?" Rarity asked. "DO we have to return her to her parents?"
"That filly sure didn't seem to want to go back," Applejack said. "If parents are ponies who love you and take good care of you, I'm not sure that filly even has real parents. Not like they should be."
Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
The window showed a starry, tranquil night sky. A pony's head appeared, mostly covered by a black mask and close-fitting black hat. The pony's head moved in a large circle, making a scraping sound. The head dropped back down, and a hoof gently tapped the glass. A circle of glass fell to the outside of the window, caught by something unseen below.
"Leave nopony behind," the darkness-shrouded pony whispered. The pony seemed to be listening for an answer, but heard nothing.
The pony reached through the space where glass had been and opened the window, climbing indoors.
"This looks like a guest bedroom for children," the pony whispered, "But I don't see anypony. Where are you, my darling?"
"My dearest? My sugar lump? My little Scrawny Flanks? That nasty Twilight Sparkle has been giving me the runaround, but she can't keep us apart. It's time to come home."
The pony looked around the room again. "What does the princess keep in here? Is this a dollhouse?" She peered through a dollhouse window. "Does the princess play with dolls?"
Something inside the dollhouse made a small sound.
"What was that?" the masked pony asked. She opened one of the dollhouse's doors and reached a hoof inside. She felt around.
Something flew out the dollhouse's back door. Startled, the masked pony leaped backward with her hoof still inside the dollhouse, which for the moment was stuck on her hoof.
"Buck this," the masked pony said, her other hoof tapping a lamp to turn on the light. In one corner of the room, near the ceiling, hovered a tiny pony like a miniature alicorn.
"How delightful," the masked pony said. "What are you? I don't know what you are, but you must be good for something. I'm taking you with me."
"You can't make me!" the little flying pony said. "You're not a good mommy!"
"What?" the masked pony said. "Scrawny Flanks, is that you?
"Honey, dearest, stop acting up and tell me where the good stuff is hidden in this castle. I've taught you well enough. Even if you're as stupid as you look, you still have no excuse."
The tiny pony just gave her mother a stubborn, angry look.
"Unless you're trying to hold out on me. Scrawny Flanks, as ugly and sickly as you are, nopony will ever love you the way I love you."
"No!" the miniature pony said. "They'll love me better. They'll love me for real. Not like you."
The masked pony got down on her rear knees. "Oh, they say they love you. But they're lying. They'll use you and then they'll leave you. Just like what happened to me. You've known me all your life and I'm the only pony who's never abandoned you. I'm the only pony you can trust. I've taken care of you your whole life and I'll never stop."
The little hovering pony whimpered. "That's...what I'm afraid of."
"I know, dearest. You're right to be afraid. Because they WILL abandon you, and leave you all alone. That's how they are."
"No, I'm afraid you'll take care of me my whole life, and you'll never stop."
The masked pony stood up on her hind legs. "Why you...ungrateful brat! How dare you talk like that to me?" She waved her dollhouse-covered hoof in the air, leaping towards the corner. "I'll show you to be ungrateful!" She slammed the dollhouse against the wall near the tiny flying pony, who dodged just in time.
The masked pony slammed the dollhouse against the wall again. "What is WITH this dollhouse anyway? Why doesn't it come OFF?"
A door opened, and the Mane 6 walked into the room. Twilight shouted, "That isn't just a dollhouse! It is a DOLLHOUSE OF JUSTICE!"
Spike followed her, rubbing his eyes. "Twi, are you sure you want to stick with that name? It sounds kind of silly."
"Yes," Twilight said, "I do want to stick with that name. Because it's about time for Equestrian criminal law to develop some nuance and subtlety!"
"Yup," Spike said, "Nothing says nuance like DOLLHOUSE OF JUSTICE."
"Oh hush, Spike," Rarity said. "I know it sounds ridiculous, but she has to start somewhere."
The masked pony bashed the dollhouse against the wall repeatedly. "Why won't it break? Why won't it at least come off?"
"Historically," Twilight said, "Equestrian criminal law has had two modes. Drastic, when we put somepony into Tartarus, or turn them into a stone statue for a thousand years. Or absurdly lax, when we catch con artists like Flim and Flam, and we just let them go so they can try to ruin the next town over."
"You can't get away with this!" Bridlewhinny shouted. "I KNOW IMPORTANT PONIES. I'm the head of two highly respected Equestria-wide organizations! I can get whatever I want, whenever I want it!"
"Ha," Spike said. "Try getting that enchanted dollhouse off your hoof."
"Did you say...enchanted?" Bridlewhinny said. "I can make it worth your while to take it off me."
"I don't know what you could offer me that would be worth more than my self-respect," Twilight remarked.
"I could offer you...something you seem to want very much. My daughter."
Several ponies gasped.
Twilight stood up on her hind legs and crossed her forelegs. "You seem to assume that you HAVE a daughter."
"Oh? Don't I? Why are you keeping her locked up in this castle, if you don't want her?"
"It seems to me, "Twilight said, "this is a surprisingly complicated subject. Can you prove that the little winged, unicorn-horned pony flying around this room IS your daughter?"
"She called me 'mommy' already once tonight. I assume she can be persuaded to do it again. Even in court."
Pinkie Pie stepped forward, and pressed a forehoof against one side of her muzzle. A tiny, tinny voice said, "You can't make me! You're not a good mommy!"
"Technically," Twilight said, "she did not call you HER mommy, she just said you weren't a good mommy. Which is a perfectly legitimate opinion."
"We'll see what the court says about that," Bridlewhinny said smugly.
Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
Every Dog Has Its Day...In Court
Upon the Solar Throne, Princess Celestia announced, "Now hearing the case of...who are the parties in this case? There seems to be some confusion about which ponies are even the plantiff and the defendants. Or plaintiffs?"
Bridlewhinny stepped forward, waving her dollhouse-covered hoof in the air. "This...PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle is severely abusing her authority. She has foalnapped my daughter, and when I sought to complain, she misused her magic to imprison my hoof inside this...dollhouse. Which she has repeatedly refused to remove."
Twilight stepped forward from the Mane 6. She said, "You severely abused your daughter for years. You have destroyed any parental rights you might once have had over her. Furthermore, the pony who you ALLEGE to be your daughter combines the three different pony magics of earth pony, pegasus, and unicorn in one single pony. She is a serious candidate for official alicornhood, which gives the Crown special rights and responsibilities of care towards her. Rights and responsibilities which as a matter of state security completely override any privileges of parental propietorship which you attempt to claim."
Celestia inspected the ponies before her. "This is a rather confused case indeed. One of you has referred to a pony who you call your daughter. The other of you has referred to an ALLEGED daughter, and some kind of...candidate for official alicorn status?
"As the chief alicorn of Equestria, I must in any case see this alleged alicorn candidate as soon as possible. Who can show her to me?"
Something rustled inside Twilight's saddlebag. The flap lifted, and a tiny creature climbed out. The hoof-tall miniature pony jumped down to the floor, trotted over to Applejack, and with one tiny hoof lifted the much larger earth pony off the floor for a moment. Having shown her physical strength, the tiny pony unfolded her wings and took to the air, ascending over the other litigants.
"What IS this?" Celestia said. "Oh, Twilight, what is this tiny marvel you have brought to me? And is she a true alicorn? Or merely some clever trick?"
Twilight shrugged. "I'm not sure...I'm not sure whether anypony can know for sure whether she is a true alicorn. But she is a pony with her own earth pony strength, pegasus wings, and unicorn horn."
The tiny flying pony lit her horn and sparked a small magical fireworks display spelling out Celestia's name.
"Oh, how truly adorable. Earth's strength, wings, and horn. But haven't you the power of speech? Little one, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"I know that I'm still a filly," the small flier said. "But I, um, I--"
"Get over here right this instant young lady!" Bridlewhinny shouted, "Or you're going to bed without any supper!"
"What I've learned," the filly said, "What I hope...no, what I now believe is, a mommy is a pony who loves her foal and takes good care of her foal. Please don't make me go with that evil mare over there. She's kicked me so many times. She's made me tell lies again and again so she could trick ponies into giving her things. And she kidnapped her sister, Miss Harshwhinny, so she could take over as head of the Equestrian Games Council. She's not a good mommy, and I guess she's not a good sister either."
"Is this true?" Celestia asked Bridlewhinny.
"You know foals," Bridlewhinny said, "making up stories sometimes."
"One thing I'd like to know," Celestia said, "Is whether you kidnapped Miss Harshwhinny. That mare has been missing for about half a year now."
"I am offended by anypony even accusing me of such a thing."
Celestia looked sternly at Bridlewhinny. "I have only so much patience. First, are you or are you not Miss Harshwhinny's sister?"
"Yes and no."
Celestia gave Twilight a Look. "Princess Twilight, where did you find this mare? Ask her a simple yes or no question, and she tries to answer: all of the above."
"I am Miss Harshwhinny's half-sister."
"Ah," Celestia said, "I suppose that might help to explain the striking physical resemblance. Now did you or did you not kidnap Miss Harshwhinny?"
"Miss Harshwhinny and I were on official business in Diamonddoggerstan. The diamond dogs' government had paperwork showing that Miss Harshwhinny was a wanted felon in that and two other states. To avoid being arrested and convicted for obstruction of justice by the government of Diamonddoggerstan, I cooperated with that country's law enforcement when required to do so."
"I see. You certainly could have made me and the other interested ponies in Equestria wait a much shorter time before sharing that information with us. We could have tried to negotiate with that country's government. We probably could have done something.
"Miss Harshwhinny, can you tell me anything about that paperwork?"
"It was official paperwork of the diamond dogs' government."
"Can you tell me anything about where that paperwork came from?"
"I assume it was generated by an official department of the Diamonddoggerstan government."
"Can you tell me anything about how the diamond dogs came to the conclusion that Miss Harshwhinny was a felon?"
"I...I confessed to them that Miss Harshwhinny broke an important law while she was in Diamonddoggerstan."
"And what law would that be?"
"Princess Celestia, how would you feel if you invited somepony to a grand banquet at your palace, and they refused to eat so much as a morsel?"
"I would feel concern. I would wonder if they might be ill."
Miss Bridlewhinny said, "You and the diamond dogs are a bit different. The diamond dogs would feel insulted, and throw the guest into their dungeons for insulting the Top Dog."
Princess Celestia scutinized the earth pony. "Miss Bridlewhinny, are you telling me that Miss Harshwhinny was invited to a state banquet by the Top Dog, and she refused to eat anything? And the diamond dogs needed you to point this out to them? And you went ahead and got your sister thrown in prison?"
"Half-sister," Bridlewhinny said.
"Sister or half-sister, is the rest what really happened?" Celestia asked.
"It was an example," Bridlewhinny said.
"So what really happened?" Celestia demanded.
"My half-sister met with representatives from several cities within Diamonddoggerstan," Bridlewhinny said, "and she refused to demand bribes from any of them."
Celestia looked down her nose at Miss Bridlewhinny. "I do not see the problem in her behavior."
"For a pony in a high official position to refuse to demand or accept bribes from pon--anypony seeking her help is a serious crime in Diamonddogistan!" Bridlewhinny protested. "It is an insult to the generosity of the diamond dogs!"
"So why did you bother to tell the Diamonddoggerstan government?" Celestia asked. "Wouldn't it have better to have let sleeping dogs lie?"
Several ponies groaned.
Celestia drew herself up proudly and said, "I make no apologies for that pun. How could you do that to your own sis--I mean, half-sister? Getting her imprisoned for...how long is the standard sentence for this crime, anyway?"
"Oh," Raven Inkwell said from behind a desk, "I believe it's at least several hundred years. Maybe a thousand. And I HATE puns."
Celestia blushed. "How...terrible and unjust. Anyway. My question to you, Miss Bridlewhinny, still stands unanswered."
"I was afraid!" Miss Bridlewhinny said. "I was afraid that if she was caught and I hadn't turned her in already, I might be arrested as an accomplice."
From the dollhouse stuck on her hoof came a spooky, moaning voice, "The Voice of the Dollhouse says: only partly true."
Celestia gave Twilight another Look. "Really, Twilight?"
Twilight raised her right front hoof. "As a member in good standing of the Equestrian Magic Association, I promise that the lie-detecting enchantment which I placed on that dollhouse magically stuck to Miss Bridlewhinny's hoof is to the best of my knowledge and skill a correct and proper one. I swear it by...you, Celestia."
"You little snitch!" Bridlewhinny shouted at the dollhouse. "I wanted to replace my sister as head pony of the Governing Board for the All-Equestrian Spring Games. Where I could show FAR more respect for diamond dog culture than she ever did."
"You see!" the tiny flying filly said, "Mommy Bridlewhinny DID kidnap her sister!"
"Half-sister!" shouted Bridlewhinny. "And I did not kidnap her, I was cooperating with a host government!
"Also, that ungrateful filly just called me Mommy! Which goes to prove...something!
"Come to Mommy, dearest!" Bridlewhinny called to the flying mini-filly. "Mommy still loves you, even if you're a little bit confused about international law and diplomacy!"
The tiny filly flapped her wings harder, to rise even higher above Miss Bridlewhinny's reach. Miss Bridlewhinny hopped up and down on her hind legs, trying to reach the filly who was far above her.
Celestia looked out at the courtroom and chortled. She laughed long and hard, her face turning pink. "Princess Twilight Sparkle," the alabaster-coated alicorn said, "I believe you have proven your point."
Twilight's face lit up with an enormous smile. "We've won! We've won our case!"
"Oh, that may well be," Celestia said, "but that is not the point I meant. I meant our discussion last Tuesday night, when I was complaining about how tedious Day Court is. You told me, you thought you could make Day Court more entertaining than a Hearthswarming play. You even bet me that Day Court could make me laugh a sincere, honest horse laugh within this moon."
"Oh! That!" Twilight said. "Of course, I...meant to do that. My concern for freeing an oppressed filly from her abusive parents was...oh buck it, why should I lie? I was only thinking about helping an abused filly. Winning a bet was just a bit of extra luck."
Celestia looked sternly at Twilight Sparkle. "Now," Celestia said, "about this case. And the boon I owe you from our bet. Do you choose to apply that favor to settling this case, to force me to decide this case in your favor?"
Twilight said nervously, "I believe that you will decide this case fairly by your own free choice. I decline to force your verdict."
"Decided!" Celestia said. "I find Miss Bridlewhinny innocent..."
Bridlewhinny jumped up and down on all four legs, repeatedly clashing the dollhouse against the floor. "Hooray! Little Scrawny Flanks is coming home with Momma! You ungrateful brat."
Celestia gave Bridlewhinny a Look. "Innocent, that is, of kidnapping Our Emissary Miss Harshwhinny."
Miss Bridlewhinny stopped celebrating. "Oh...horseapples."
"Whereas, in the related charge of deliberately sabotaging and impeding communications between Our Government's Emissary Miss Harshwhinny and the Crown, in a matter where We needed very much to receive Miss Harshwhinny's request for our help, and she very much needed to send an official communication to Us..."
Miss Bridlewhinny wilted like a parched flower.
"Guilty," Celestia ruled.
"As for the sentencing...Princess Twilight Sparkle has been agitating for something she calls sentencing reform. She thinks We might do well to impose sentences that tread a middle ground between Tartarus and no punishment at all. This case offers an opportunity to try out her suggestion."
Miss Bridlewhinny looked hopeful. "Sentenced to time served? Probation? Community service, working as the headmare of some large charitable organization that receives many valuable donations?" With this last of her suggestions she looked...unwilted.
"I am amused by the enchanted dollhouse inside which Princess Twilight has trapped your hoof. I propose we continue THAT experiment."
Miss Bridlewhinny bucked and snorted. "But if I can't tell lies without being called a liar, how am I to make a living!"
"Don't worry," Celestia said, "Starting tomorrow (to give you an opportunity to go to bed without supper tonight) I'll arrange a gruel ration for you. And excepting in winter, there is usually grass in the fields. Think how much spare time you'll have to relax, when you're not so busy telling lies and defrauding ponies and mistreating your filly."
Bridlewhinny fumed. "But telling...very creatively created facts, and making one-sided deals with ponies who I needn't bother with some of the details, and giving my filly VERY special mothering, IS how I relax!"
Celestia pointed her horn. "This court has decided. Do not anger me, lest I send you to the moon for a thousand years without an oxygen tank."
Bridlewhinny slinked shamefacedly out of the room.
"Now," Celestia said, "We do have a few other matters to settle. For one, something needs to be done about extricating Miss Harshwhinny from her imprisonment by the diamond dogs."
"Better be careful who you send to negotiate," Twilight commented. "Anypony you send had better not do any favors without demanding a bribe, or you might have TWO ponies to rescue."
"I propose a simple exchange of favors," Princess Celestia said. "They return Miss Harshwhinny to me post haste and in as good condition as they can. In exchange, a solar flare does not blast Diamonddoggerstan so hard as to crack the ground down to wherever the Top Dog is hiding and make him sorry he ever annoyed me."
"Ooh," Pinkie said, "that might work. Not blasting the Top Dog is a good favor."
"But just in case," Celestia mused, "I prefer to send a diplomat with a proven record of employing appropriate measures on short notice. Or an entire team. I propose to send you six."
"I can throw Miss Harshwhinny a Glad You're Getting Out of Diamonddoggerstan Prison Party!" Pinkie Pie said. "With a file hidden in every cupcake just in case."
"You know," Twilight said, "Spike is a growing dragon. I think he might be old enough to come along with us. Think about how he helped negotiate peace between us and the changelings. And how handy it'll be if he can send our messages to and from Celestia."
"Yes," Celestia said, "you have a point. But if he DOESN'T go with you, so you six and I can't communicate so easily, think of the opportunities for dramatic misunderstandings! How entertaining that could be!"
Everypony laughed.
"I agree with Twilight," Celestia said. "Spike should accompany you six. Another point in favor of that plan is, there's an extra implicit threat when they see us ponies getting along so well with a dragon."
Applejack said, "If we seven are going to Diamonddoggerstan, who will take care of Tiny Hooves? We can't take her on a dangerous mission like that. Not until she's bigger. Or at least older."
Celestia stood up, and descended the steps from her throne. "Let's go find her. I already have an idea, but we should discuss it with her just to make sure." Celestia led the way out of the Throne Room.
Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
In the adjoining hallway, Tiny Hooves stood next to a pile of bits, spears, and Royal Guard armor. In front of her were some dice and playing cards. On the other side of the hall were some embarrassed-looking ponies in their underwear.
"Guards," Celestia said, "You're out of uniform!"
The squad's leader stood up straight and saluted. "Yes, Your Highness! We are out of uniform, Your Highness! No excuses, Ma'am!"
Another guard said, "This little filly asked us to play a game with her. Could you say no to such a cute little filly?"
A third guard said, "But next thing we knew, we'd lost all our spears and our armor. And everything else."
Celestia gave the tiny filly a stern look. "Is this true?"
Tiny Hooves shrugged. "Who doesn't even know they oughta check the dice before playing crabapple dices? And they're not very good at poker either. I don't think their parents have been teaching them right. MY old mommy never would have let me keep my dessert or my toys, if I couldn't learn to play better than that."
Rainbow Dash laughed. "This would make a funny welcome prank for new Wonderbolts."
Celestia bent down to speak muzzle-to-muzzle with the tiny filly. "Little one, my guards' job is not to play dishonest gambling games with little foals."
Tiny Hooves looked back big-eyed, pointing at the squad leader. "But...I asked a grownup if it was okay and he said yes."
Celestia turned to sternly address her guards. "Today you lost what could have been an important battle. What if this filly had been a changeling in disguise, who used her cute innocent appearance to take your weapons and armor from you before..." Celestia lifted a hoof and gently touched a guard on the nose, "BOOPing you fiercely. Or something worse than a mere booping."
"Yes, Ma'am!" the guards said in unison.
"Clearly," Celestia said, "my guards need additional training in not letting themselves be defeated by dastardly strategems. Tiny Hooves, I would like you to stay at the palace for a few weeks, while these guards can practice trying harder not to fall for your tricks."
Tiny Hooves turned to Princess Twilight and the Mane 6. "Twilight and my other new friends, what do you think?"
Twilight Sparkle said to Tiny Hooves in a serious tone, "Celestia has asked me and these friends of ours to go on a mission for her, to rescue another pony who's being held prisoner. But if I do that, I can't bring any fillies along, and I was wondering who should take care of you while we're away. I'm sure Celestia and her palace staff will do a good job. Even if they might make a few mistakes at first, they're good-hearted ponies, and I trust them.
"So, Tiny Hooves, is that okay with you?"
Tiny Hooves' face scrunched up with thought. "Do you really think that's what we should do, Twilight?"
"It's the best plan for this I've heard," Twilight answered.
"Okay," the tiny filly said. "Celestia, you and your palace staff can be my mommy for a few weeks while Twilight and her friends are away rescuing another pony."
Celestia smiled wryly. "Thank you for your trust, Tiny Hooves and Twilight, and the rest of you. We'll do our best not to let you down."
Tiny Hooves flew up into the air, to collide with Celestia as repeatedly and eagerly as a night-flying beetle who's just discovered its first lamppost. "You'll be the best mommy ever!" Tiny Hooves said. "Even if it's just for a few weeks." Tiny Hooves grabbed the tip of one of Celestia's wings in an enthusiastic hug.
"I look forward to it," Celestia said.
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Twilight Transforms a Tiny Alicorn
Twilight Rates Herself a Failing Failed Failure
Weeks later, Twilight Sparkle was gently banging her head against a desk in her castle library. "Thousands of ponies have tried to find a cure for Inadequate Earth Pony Syndrome. They've all failed."
Spike put his arm around her shoulder. "But you're a genius, Twilight!"
"Those thousands of ponies who failed? I'm one of them."
"I know you can do it, Twilight!"
"How do you know I can do it? You DON'T know. Because I'm a failing failed failure."
"Ah, don't put yourself down, Twilight."
"Nopony can do it. It's impossible to cure IEPS."
"Ah, Twi, You just have to believe in yourself--"
"I mean really impossible. Why, it would be easier to..."
Twilight got a slightly crazed light in her eyes.
"Yes! THAT might work. I only promised to try to help. I never promised that little filly not to do what most ponies think is impossible."
"Twilight...should I be worried?"
"Worried? Let's see if I'm the greatest scientific genius ever in the history of Equestria! Then you can decide whether to be worried!"
"So maybe I should be worried," Spike said.
