Why Princess Twilight Doesn't Need Royal Guards

by ThePinkedWonder

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Profanity
Length: 3871

Thinking it would be easy pickings, two thieves break into Twilight Sparkle's castle. They overlooked a couple of things.

Believing it to be an easy job, two thieves broke into Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle. With no Royal Guards protecting the castle and Twilight herself gone, her valuable possessions were as good as theirs.

Or so they thought.

Last but far from least, special thanks to Little Tigress for drawing the great cover art.

EDIT: Featured through 09/09/20--09/14/20!!
#1 story with mature mode enabled on 09/09/20
#1 story w/o mature mode through 09/09/20--09/11/20

EDIT on 10/19/20: Has an audio reading done by the youtuber Enharmonic!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vWs46--nTo

Published 2020-09-09 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-09 17:50:01 UTC

With castlemates like these...

Princess Twilight Sparkle’s crystal tree-castle was a magnificent, awe-inspiring sight.

So majestic. The moonlight reflecting off its shimmering crystals further illuminated the tree and the castle cradled in its branches. A fitting home indeed for the Princess of Friendship, a benevolent, brave, powerful defender of Equestria and friend to all on the side of good.

That is what they thought of the grand structure towering before them. They would also be rich after they robbed it. The stars littered in the dark-blue sky were practically singing their victory.

Two unicorn stallions, a brown and grey one, forced their gaping mouths to shut. The pair didn't travel to Ponyville just to admire the palace’s majesty.

“I still don’t know about this, Locknight,” the grey pony said as he turned to his friend, rubbing his cheek in nervousness.

“Well, I am, ding-dong.” Locknight rubbed his lust silver mane to straighten it. “Look at this place! Twilight’s gotta have a crapload of valuable stuff holed up in there!”

“Ding-dong”, whose real name was Tumble, gazed toward the castle again. His scruffy black mane was a stark contrast to his partner's sleek one. “But what if we get caught?”

Locknight rolled his eyes. “Ugh, this again? For the hundredth time, it’s all good. Twilight’s gone and there are no guards in her castle to catch us, remember?”

Another sigh left Tumble’s mouth. True, it was a well-known fact that Twilight had never bothered to hire Royal Guards to protect her castle. Nevertheless, could there be a reason for the Princess’s baffling decision? “I’m more worried about Princess Twilight catching us if she returns early. Didn’t you hear the rumors about how she brainwashed ponies because they ran late for something?”

“And that is why rumors are usually shit. How could that mare be the Princess of Friendship if she pulled crap like that?”

Tumble faced his friend once again. He suffered from a habit of believing any and all rumors he overheard, but don’t they contain at least some truth to them? “But still, Locknight--”

“Come on, do you like the thought of busting your flank day in and day out?” Locknight motioned a hoof at the massive castle. “My friend, inside those walls of crystal is our ticket to easy street! You really wanna pass up this golden chance?”

Tumble stared at the gorgeous but now foreboding palace again. “Well, I do hate so-called ‘honest living’ and what we have been stealing isn't netting us much. Uh, how about we rob Spoiled Rich blind instead? She’s...well, rich.”

Locknight huffed. That was out of the question. “I wish we could rob that witch, but a rumor I do believe is that her daughter had suffered enough due to her.”

The two robbers stepped to the grand gold doors to the castle. Locknight’s unwavering steps oozed confidence while Tumble crept from behind, glancing behind him every two or so seconds.

Locknight’s horn glowed lime. From a pack he wore on his back, he levitated out a skeleton key he had made and leaned his head closer to the door. Something wasn’t right. Where was the lock? “Huh? What’s the deal with this door? There’s no lock!”

Tumble grinned and spun the other way. “Well, it’s not like the door’s unlocked, so guess we--”

Locknight pushed against the door which, incredibly, crept open. “Nevermind, it’s unlocked.” He let out a laugh and added, “Wow, no guards AND her door’s unlocked? How hasn’t this castle been robbed yet?”

With a sigh, Tumble slowly turned around to face the palace yet again, wearing a disheartened frown. His eyes locked on a banner, which hung from a pole near a window, bearing a mark of Twilight’s Cutie Mark. “Maybe Princess Twilight had it unlocked because most know not to break into her home. What if the rumors that she turns ponies into oranges for practice is--”

Locknight moaned. “Oh, will you lay off the whining about rumors? At worst, Twilight is dumb as bricks, not some ax-crazy psychopath. Now, let’s hurry in before somepony spots us and--”

Tumble zipped through the doors in a blur. A gust of wind blew by, ruffling Locknight’s mane.

Locknight’s lips curled into an approving smile. He knew his friend had the guts. “Atta boy! Let’s do this!” He straightened his mane and strutted through the doors, his mouth watering over the wealth calling out to him.

Locknight's and Tumble's mouths widened as they entered the castle’s lobby. The blue and purple crystal stalagmites hugging the walls, plus the walls themselves, were more stunning than they had envisioned.

And this was merely the lobby. They still had a whole castle to explore.

The two fortune-seeking ponies willed themselves out of their trance and trotted through the lobby, up some stairs, and into a corridor of the castle. Their jaws lowered yet again.

Along with more crystal stalagmites growing along the walls, numerous two-leaved doors, composed of sparkling green crystal, lined both sides of the vast hall. Spectacular. Nothing short of spectacular.

However, the length of the corridor felt endless. It was as if the whole castle had swollen dozens of times larger since they broke in.

Tumble whistled. “This place is HUGE! Why does it feel bigger on the inside?”

“No idea. There are so many damn doors to choose from, so let’s first check the closest ones.”

What was that? Tumble’s ears perked. He glanced behind him, then to the left and right. The spacious hallway appeared empty, and yet...somepony, or something, was nearby. Lurking. Spying. Or was it? “Wait,” he said in a hushed voice.

“What?”

“I heard something.”

Locknight groaned. “Normally, I’d believe you with how your special talent is hearing sounds better than most ponies, but I’m not falling for it.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Ha! I heard that one three weeks ago when you lied about hearing the sounds of changelings, all because you wanted to lie in your house and sleep longer, Pingas! I felt like I had egg on my face after I fell for it!”

“And for the tenth time, I’m sorry about that!” Tumble slammed his hoof on the cold crystal floor.

Locknight waved a hoof dismissively. “Whatever. Let’s just get this heist over with quickly. The sooner we hightail it back to Fillydelphia, the sooner your paranoia can end.”

With Locknight leading the way, the partners peeked through the doors one by one. Many of the rooms beyond each door had curtains covering windows, but were otherwise empty. Some of the rooms also held a bed, a dresser, and a mirror.

Perplexingly, everything they saw was, at best, normal worth. It was impossible. This was an alicorn princess’s castle! It should have been teeming with jewelry, gold statues, rare artifacts, and other goodies that would fetch a pretty bit, or MANY pretty bits!

Locknight shook his head in disbelief. “Okay, what’s the deal? Where’s the good shit?”

“Maybe Princess Twilight is a princess who enjoys simple things?”

“Then why is she living in a huge crystal tree-castle, not in a normal house or tree or something?”

Tumble shrugged his front hooves. “I guessed that she prefers simple things, not about her tree preferences.”

“Whatever. Maybe her best stuff is in a room we haven’t seen yet.”

A chill flooded Tumble’s back. He swiveled his head in one direction after another. Something lay in wait, yet his eyes detected nothing!

“Okay, I get it, scaredy-cat. Let’s speed up our hunt.” Locknight patted Tumble’s back, triggering a nerve-filled jump and yelp from him. “Geez Louise, you’re more of a wreck than I thought!”

Again with Locknight leading, but Tumble taking occasional peeks behind him, the two slunk through another door. Inside was a large, stunning bed, a type only seen with beds of royalty. Hanging from a nail in the bedroom was a picture of Twilight and a small purple dragon on Twilight’s back, both smiling. Given the bed and picture, could this have been Twilight’s bedroom?

“If there’s anything juicy in this place, it’s in here. In fact...wait.” Locknight ran to a dresser with an open blue book lying on top of it. He closed the book, read its title in his head, and grinned in one of the biggest grins he had ever given.

“What?” Tumble asked, staring at the brown pony still bathing in the bask of ecstasy.

“Tumble, we hit the jackpot!” He pointed at the book he now coveted. “This is an ultra-limited edition of ‘The Life of Starswirl the Bearded’, one of the rarest books ever--”

A feminine voice roared, “Don’t you dare take that book!”

Locknight's and Tumble's pupils shrank, their chests tightening. Twilight returned much sooner than expected! She would soon punish them by throwing them in jail, or by just whooping their flanks, hard. They dared not even consider if the rumors that she had transformed ponies into oranges were true.

They whirled around to their potentially painful fate. There was no Princess of Friendship present.

Instead, before the pair was a scowling, teeth-gritting violet unicorn, already half the distance between them and the doorway. Her mane and tail were dark-purple with an aquamarine streak flowing through the middle. Who was this mare? Where did she even come from?

While Locknight and Tumble might be no match against an alicorn, a unicorn they could manage. Or, tell a lie and make it even easier.

“Oh, uh, hi!" Tumble forced a nervous smile. "We are...new cleaners Princess Twilight hired for the castle. We wanted to, uh, borrow that book and clean it." He took glimpses in different directions, pretending to be scanning the bedroom for dirt. "The rest of the place looks squeaky-clean, so we can--”

The mare’s glare softened and she ceased gritting her teeth, though she raised her hoof. “Let me stop you there. I was watching, and I know you two want to rob this castle.”

Tumble pointed at the mare. “Oh, it was you I sensed out there!”

She nodded, setting her hoof back on the floor. “Yep. I was hiding with a cloaking spell.”

"I knew it!" Tumble spun his head to Locknight. “You see? I told you I wasn’t lying!”

“Fine, you were telling the truth, this time.” Locknight focused his stare at the brash mare. “As for whoever you are, this rare book is good enough, so you just stay still and be pretty and we will mosey on out of here.”

The unicorn shook her head. “I don’t think so. Twilight loves that book and she would be depressed for weeks if you take it from her.”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?" Locknight asked with a snicker. "In fact, who are you?”

“Me? I’m Starlight Glimmer, Princess Twilight’s student.”

Locknight rubbed the back of his neck. “Starbright Bomber?”

“No, Starlight Glimmer.”

“Whatever, Starshine Dimmer.”

Starlight growled. “It’s Star--”

“Don’t mind him. He’s awful at getting new names right.”

Locknight glared at Tumble. “Well, excuse me for not being perfect!” He took a deep breath and turned his head back to Starlight. “Now, Star-whatever, if you’re done joking about stopping us, we will be outta here. Twilight’s a big filly, so she’d get over losing one book.”

Starlight’s scowl vanished. Her frown didn't scream anger, so was she concerned about something? “Please, just leave without the book. I don't want to have to make you. I struggle with friendship as it is and I’m still working to get over...issues.”

Issues? Was that an awful attempt at a bluff? Locknight laughed at the motion. “Starset, don’t force us to do this the hard way. Although...you could use some exercise. You look a little plump.”

Starlight gritted her teeth for the second time. “Did you just call me fat?”

Locknight smirked. He loved chances to roast others and he couldn't pass up this opportunity. “If the ponyshoe fits. How about you let us go and we’ll fetch you some cakes to pig out on? We’ll even get a couple for your dumb as bricks teacher.”

Tumble giggled. In truth, he was thinking the same thing in his head, but he rarely spoke thoughts like those out loud. He thought more about it and his giggling evolved into full-blown laughter. He even muttered, "Yeah, Princess Twilight is pretty dumb," in-between his laughing.

Starlight stomped her hooves, shaking the corridor. Her eyes exuded rage, despite the eyes' color being a calming persian. “Oh, that does it! Nopony calls me fat or calls Twilight Sparkle stupid OR laughs about either!”

Tumble’s laughing ceased, an internal light bulb lighting in his head. This was Twilight’s castle, and didn't Starlight claim she was Twilight's pupil? Could that rumor be true? “Wait, did you say you’re Princess Twilight’s student?”

Starlight nodded, her fierce glare unchanging.

He was right. Tumble’s mouth and eyes widened. How didn’t he figure out her identity already? He stared at Starlight while taking backward steps, sweat flowing on his brow. “We’re in big trouble.”

“Why?” Locknight asked, his lips still in an arrogant smirk.

Tumble pointed a shaking hoof at Starlight. “Locknight, don’t you know who she is?”

His smirk faded. “Annoying and fat?”

“No, well yeah she’s a little fat but don’t--uh, that is, didn’t you hear the rumors of Princess Twilight gaining a student that is as strong as alicorns?”

“And as I said before, rumors are shit," Locknight answered with a huff. "What's-her-name is probably not even a tenth as strong as Twilight, let alone her equal.”

“Oh, no?” Starlight’s horn glowed turquoise and magic collected into a bubble over her head. An image played with Starlight, bearing a different mane style and using magic to “fly”, and Twilight whizzing through the sky while trading powerful magical blasts. Twilight created barriers to protect herself, but Starlight merely dodged the alicorn’s assaults, even taunting her about her aim. Both fighters seemed incapable of defeating the other.

Locknight’s jaw dropped. The rumors of a unicorn in Ponyville that’s on par with alicorns were true! Even worse, Locknight called her overweight, even if she was only slightly...wider than most mares, and insulted her teacher’s intelligence! The two stared at Starlight, seemingly an invincible giant now. They were dead meat.

Tumble looked at Locknight. “So, what was that about rumors?”

Locknight stared back at his partner. “Dingbat, if this Sunset Shimmer doesn’t kill us, I’m killing you for not talking me out of this.”

“WHAT?!”

“And I’m not ‘Sunset Shimmer’! For the last time, my name is STARLIGHT GLIMMER!”

Tumble waved his hooves. Maybe they could still escape this dire pinch. “W-w-wait, miss Starlight Glimmer! Kicking our flanks might tire you out in the shape you--uh, that is, in your ‘condition’.”

“Yeah! Isn’t Twilight the Prin--”

“She’s Princess Twilight to you, big mouth,” Starlight interrupted, her voice an icy tone.

Locknight quickly nodded his head. “Right, isn’t Princess Twilight the Princess of Friendship? Would she want her student doing things the...hard way like this?”

Starlight took a deep breath. Was she calming herself? “I’ll answer that with another question: did you call me ‘plump’ and Twilight ‘dumb as bricks’ earlier?”

“Uh, yes?” Locknight answered.

“Exactly.”

Starlight’s horn glowed brightly. There was no talking their way out of this. One option remained for Locknight and Tumble.

Run.

They swung around Starlight and broke into the hallway. Perhaps she was just bluffing after all. Still, they kept running.

Once halfway down the hallway, a burst of turquoise magic flashed in front of the two hapless thieves, immediately revealing a scowling Starlight. Locknight and Tumble screamed and bolted in the opposite direction. A beam of turquoise magic fired from Starlight's horn, slammed into both Locknight and Tumble, and knocked the screaming duo forward. They smacked onto and rolled on the floor. Slamming into a wall with a pain-filled grunt ended their rolling; Locknight's formerly sleek silver mane now matched Tumble's ragged black one.

Luckily, the moaning ponies found themselves with merely bruises. How weren’t they hurt worse? Despite their kind-hearted nature (save for Nightmare Moon), alicorns are believed to be capable of killing ponies with a single full-powered attack. Surely Starlight could do the same.

Locknight and Tumble forced themselves to stop moaning and jump to their hooves. Starlight was inching closer, like a predator closing on their prey. The pair dared not ask why the insane unicorn held back on her attack. Not with her horn still glowing, ready to send them into another, possibly worse, world of pain.

The nearest door caught the duo’s eyes: their only hope. They dashed to and through the door. Anywhere would be safer than near Starlight.

Inside, the room was like most in the castle: a window was covered by curtains, but nothing else was there, save for them.

The two faced each other, but gasped as Starlight prowled into the room. She had them right where she wanted them. They didn’t think that escape through.

A yawning small purple dragon peeked his head into the room. He looked just like the dragon from the picture in Twilight's room. “Starlight, what’s go--wait.” Spike rubbed his eyes. “Who are they?”

Starlight spun her head to the dragon. “Spike, they are thieves trying to rob the castle. They were even about to steal Twilight’s ‘The Life of Starswirl the Bearded’ book and called me--”

“THEY WERE GOING TO WHAT?!” Spike’s claws clenched. His pupils transformed into green flames that burned bright. He stomped into the room, glaring intensely at the two would-be robbers. “Let me make something clear. NOPONY steals Twilight Sparkle’s books, especially not her favorite one. She would cry in her room for weeks if she lost it.”

“Worst of all, they called Twilight ‘dumb as bricks’ and laughed about it!”

Spike gasped deeply. After a second, he gritted his teeth while emitting a low, seething growl. The flames in his eyes roared larger. “How dare you?”

Locknight guffawed. This little dragon couldn’t be serious. “Maybe we’ll be helpless against...her, but you we can handle, wimp. Right, Tumble?”

“Are you crazy?!” Tumble pointed at Starlight. “Beating him up will just make Starlight stop playing around and really kill us!”

Spike turned his head toward Starlight, the fire in his eyes diminishing. In an eerily calm voice, he asked, “Starlight, can you give us a minute?”

Starlight’s lips slowly curled into a grin. Why did Spike’s request make her so happy? Didn’t she wish to beat up Locknight and Tumble some more, or did she have a change of heart? “Sure. Have fun.” Starlight stepped out of the room and closed the door.

Now alone in the room with Locknight and Tumble, Spike cracked his neck.

Standing outside the room, Starlight hummed cheerfully as yells of pure unyielding rage, screams of pain, and slams came from inside. Green embers escaped through the cracks in the door. Spike must be going easy on them.

After ten seconds, the door flew open. Locknight and Tumble sprinted through the hallways, their fur, manes, and tails singed. From behind, Spike stormed out of the room while pumping his claws, but stayed with Starlight. The fire in his eyes had reverted to his usual pupils.

Spike and Starlight stared at the fleeing burglars in silence with proud smirks. Ten seconds after they left the castle defenders’ sights, Starlight asked, “You think that’s a good enough head start?”

Spike nodded with a chuckle. “Yep.”

“Then hop on my back. Let’s be good friends to Twilight by making sure those two won't ever want to come back.”

Starlight lowered herself and Spike jumped on her back. The two hoof/claw pumped, then Starlight’s horn glowed. In a flash of light, she teleported herself and Spike out of the castle.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were flying high above Ponyville, side by side, for some one-on-one time. Earlier, Rainbow had admitted feelings she secretly held towards Twilight for some time.

“You’ve gotten a lot better in your flying, Twi. You look like a pony that was born with wings now.”

Twilight giggled, taking a glance at her wings. “It’s all thanks to your training. You know, I still can’t get over how you feel about me, Rainbow. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Rainbow’s ears flopped to the side. She tapped her front hooves as she answered, “I thought you’d laugh or say it was silly.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t ever laugh about something like that,” Twilight said in a reassuring voice. “I’m flattered that you think I'm capable of becoming the second known pony to perform a Sonic Rainboom.”

Rainbow’s ears straightened as she gave a relieved smile. “Glad you feel that way, Twi.”

“So don’t ever be afraid to tell me something." Twilight took a deep breath. "In fact, there is something that I always wanted to tell you. Promise not to laugh?”

“I promise. What is it?”

Twilight's ears drooped. She fidgeted her front hooves. “Well, it’s that I--”

“Wait, what’s going on down there?” Rainbow pointed toward the distant ground.

Twilight stopped fidgeting her hooves and looked down to where Rainbow pointed. Below her and Rainbow, two screaming singed unicorns zipped down the streets of Ponyville. Pursuing from behind were Spike and Starlight Glimmer; the former rode on the latter’s back.

“Get back here!” Spike yelled.

“Yeah! Spike and this ‘plump’ mare aren’t done!”

As Twilight and Rainbow stared at the unexpected chase, Rainbow chortled. “Guess some crooks tried to rob your castle again. What is this, the fifth time?”

“No, it is the eighth time.” Twilight shook her head, more so at herself. “I really need to start putting a lock on the castle’s door. Chasing robbers isn’t teaching Starlight friendship or helping her control her temper, even if it will keep her weight in check.”

“At least Spike’s willing to share with Starlight. He usually prefers defending the castle by himself."

The two mares continued to watch the pursuit. As they did, Twilight’s annoyed frown lightened into a pride-filled smile. With Spike and Starlight as her castlemates, she would never need any less-effective Royal Guards to watch her castle--and if necessary, protect her when she’s sleeping. The alicorn could rest easy at night thanks to them.

However, Twilight’s previous frown abruptly returned, accompanied by a scowl. How didn’t she notice it right away? “Wait, I need to go, now.”

“Why? You think Spike and Starlight might get carried away?”

“It’s not that. I gotta get down there because Spike is on Starlight’s back. That’s our thing!”

Twilight gritted her teeth and mightily flapped her wings, immediately followed by a shockwave that released the colors of a rainbow in all directions. With her eyes on Spike and with a rainbow trailing her, Twilight swept to Spike in a flash, scooped him off Starlight’s back, and immediately set the bewildered dragon onto her back.

Author's Note

So now we know how to get Twilight to do a Sonic Rainboom: just make her think Starlight replaced her. It also seems like Twilight has some rumors that need to be cleared up:rainbowlaugh:

On a side note, it's not often my stories have profanity, but I wanted to have some in this one for a change of pace.