Princess-emerita Luna strode down the red carpet to Princess Twilight's throne, stopped at the precisely correct spot at the base of the dais, and bowed.
So intimidating, she thought, standing below the reigning monarch. So odd to be on this side of the power differential. At least Twilight wasn't as intimidating as Princess Luna had once been, with no history of the Nightmare to add to her mystique...
"Your highness," Luna said. "I came immediately at your summons, and I hold myself at your disposal."
Twilight strode down the steps from her throne and hugged Luna. "No formalities! So good to see you! How's Celestia?"
"Excellent, she's enjoying herself greatly."
"And you? Your retirement?"
Luna nuzzled Twilight, then took a step back, looking up at her. Twilight was even taller than last time! "Boring. I've tried some hobbies and some day jobs, but nothing that has kept my attention."
Twilight smiled. "Well. I have something for you, and especially your talents."
"Indeed?"
Twilight's smile disappeared. "Indeed. The Statue" —Twilight's tone of voice made it clear which statue she meant— "has been vandalized."
Luna raised an eyebrow.
"Cozy Glow is missing. Somepony with a hammer and chisel chipped her off."
Luna grinned. "And I am needed to...?"
"Find her. Put her back. Ensure this never happens again."
"May I set an example of the culprit? Or 'culprits,' if my hypothesis is correct?"
"Yes."
Luna grinned.
Luna hopped up to slam her hooves on the table, and glared down at the two stallions. They were hoofcuffed together, with metal inhibitors clamped over their horns.
"We protest our innocence," Flim said.
"You've no reason to arrest us," Flam said.
"That warehouse doesn't belong to us," they said in harmony.
Luna adjusted the new Canterlot Police uniform cap on her head. "We have the lease signed by you two. We've verified your magical residues, as well. It's your warehouse, and the contents belong to you."
Flim and Flam looked at each other uncomfortably.
"Where's the original?" Luna demanded.
Sweat dripped off the FlimFlam's brows and their tails swished.
"Well, Princess—" Flim began.
Luna pointed to her uniform tunic, darker blue than her coat, a silver badge on the left lapel. "Detective."
"Well, Detective," Flam continued. "Our replicas are of such exquisite quality and artistry, we're..."
"We're not sure anymore," Flim said.
Steam rose from Luna's horn as she glared at them. "What?"
"The original... it got mixed in with the replicas."
"Why were you two even selling Cozy Glow replicas? In Twilight's name, why?"
Flim shrugged. "She's the most hated pony in history... since Nightmare Moon, anyway."
Luna's teeth ground.
Flam said, "Ponies put the statues in their gardens for the pigeons to poop on, or used her as a hoofstool. They let their foals paint the statues in crazy colors."
"Honestly," Flim said, "Why does anypony do anything?"
Flam narrowed his eyes. "We do feel bad about..."
"Yes," Flim said.
"About what?" Luna asked, tapping a hoof on the table. Several of the Canterlot police officers shuffled their hooves behind her.
They looked at each other. "Don't worry about it," they said in harmony.
"I sort of feel like I should," Luna replied.
Flim continued, "Quite a few of the statues were used as piñatas. Very messy, with shattered marble everywhere."
"Why Cozy Glow?" Luna asked. "Why not Tirek or the bug-who-shall-remain-nameless?"
"Our market research indicated those statues wouldn't sell," Flim answered.
"Those two are too big," Flam finished. "Cozy is pint-sized and just right to put in a garden or on a mantlepiece."
"You're going to help us retrieve every single one," Luna declared. "You're going to refund the purchase price to every single pony—"
Flim and Flam blanched.
"—and you're going to help me identify the original."
Flim and Flam, in harmony, said, "We really don't think that—"
"Or you two will replace her on the statue. Two for the price of one. Princess Twilight authorized me to make examples to ensure this sort of thing doesn't happen again."
Flim and Flam nodded, their faces pale.
"We kept records," Flim said.
"...why?" Luna asked.
"We were planning to sell statue accessories next Hearth's Warming," Flam replied. "Hats, lights, evergreen boughs..."
Luna narrowed her eyes.
It took four weeks, four of the longest weeks of Luna's life, but they tracked down every last statue.
Luna stood in the center of the warehouse, surrounded by shelf upon shelf of Cozy replicas, and, presumably, the original Cozy.
She adjusted her uniform tunic. The silver police badge glinted in the light of the lanterns and she smiled. Retirement was, indeed, a hideous bore. She had maintained the facade of enjoyment for years, to humor Celestia, but this was so much better!
Yes, indeed; she would stay on, after this case was closed, and remain with the Canterlot Police. Silver Shoals was so boring; the stallions were all elderly and past their prime, having lost their.... ahem. Verve. Yes, call it their "verve." Elderly stallions had no verve, even when an alicorn...
She'd had more dates in the last four weeks, even with her busy work schedule, than in the last fifteen years. She would move back to Canterlot, although it would require a certain gentle touch to avoid interfering with the perceptions of Twilight as the sole and undisputed ruler of Equestria... Get an apartment in the Entertainment District, perhaps return to the lounge singing career she had enjoyed as a young pegasus, before Discord's reign forced her into government... Manehattan! Manehattan had a better music scene than Canterlot, and moving there would not interfere with Twilight's reign. Join the Manehattan Police, and sing on her nights off. Yes! Huzzah! An excellent plan.
Her tail swished in anticipation of all the stallions she would meet...
She smiled, then turned back to business. "Colonel? Are your teams done?"
A guard unicorn in silver armor nodded. "Yes, ma'am. Every single statue, tied down to an anchor set into the floor."
Luna grimaced. "We dare not allow her to make an escape, even if she is but a child."
"As you say, ma'am," the colonel replied.
The debris of the half-dozen or so statues that had been used as piñatas were in a pile at Luna's hooves. Another statue had been dropped, its wings and one leg broken off. The windows and doors of the warehouse were boarded over, spells glowing to hold the boards in place until Luna released them, after the true Cozy Glow was back in custody.
She glared at Flim and Flam. "You two will pay for the cost of disposal of the statues, even if I have to sell your kidneys for Griffon meat pies. Understood?"
They nodded sullenly, still hoofcuffed together, metal sheaths still clamped over their horns.
Luna looked at the colonel. "Your pegasi are ready?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Luna cast a spell and amplified her voice. "Attention everypony! I will soon cast the de-petrification spell. You must find the real Cozy immediately and bring her here. Endeavor not to hurt her, but a sharp blow to the solar plexus or skull is acceptable."
She looked at the doctor and nurse. "Ready?"
The doctor frowned. "I still object."
"I take responsibility."
"As you say, ma'am, but there must be a better way."
"She is too dangerous to be allowed to escape. Sedate her, and I will return her to the statue to complete her sentence."
The doctor frowned more. "How long is her sentence?"
"Eternity."
The doctor's ears fell. "So you don't want the guards to hurt her, but her sentence is—?"
Luna shouted, "Ready!"
Flim and Flam dropped to the floor and covered their eyes.
Luna's de-petrification spell glowed softly cobalt, expanding and filling the warehouse.
Sound filled the building, soft at first but growing loud, a crinkling sound as the marble receded, replaced by flesh and feathers, foalish shouting beginning, wings flapping to gain lift against the ropes binding torsos to anchors set into the concrete slab of the warehouse's floor.
The pegasus guards zipped back and forth, confused, eyes darting from thawing statue to thawing statue.
Ropes began to rustle as ten thousand Cozies untied themselves and darted, tiny wings buzzing, for the doors and windows. First one, then a few, then tens and scores of them threw themselves at the boarded-up windows and doors. A dozen Cozies grabbed a singleton and used her as a battering ram, trying to smite a window open.
Luna spun and levitated up Flim and Flam, shaking them, her face magmatic with fury. "The mirror pool?" she demanded.
Flim choked as her magic squeezed his windpipe, but Flam gasped out, "You didn't expect us to make statues the hard way, did you?"
Author's Note
I'd say I'm sorry, except I'm not.
