Not Her Fault

Okay, okay. Sorry, I umm... got a little emotional back there. I- I'm fine now though. Where was I? Oh, I'll just start from the beginning.

When Cozy was just five, I was going through some hard times. Mine and Blue Light's relationship was falling apart, and it drove me to do things... I'm not proud of. What? Oh, yeah, Blue was my husband. My name? I'm Hot Coca. Anyway, at first it was just a beer or two when it had been a long night. Then it was more like 3 or 4 every week. Then every other day. And, well, you get the point. We of course didn't say anything about it too Cozy. She was just so young.

Well, one day I got in an argument with Blue Light, about something stupid, like weather or not we should sign Cozy up for any sports. Thinking back, we should have just asked her. She may have been little, but she had ideas and opinions about EVERYTHING. One morning I woke up a little late to see her sitting in this little wooden rocking chair of hers. She had stolen two of my period pads and stuck them on the arms. When I confronted her she simply said; "Awm wests!" I wanted to be mad, but I just couldn't. That was so damn cute.

Where was I? Oh sorry, I tend to ramble. I'll try not to do that. So, anyway, me and Blue started yelling back and forth. I went over to the fridge and opened a can of beer. And I just kept downing them. One after another. I guess I thought if I just kept drinking, it would drown the world out. After a few hours, I was so drunk I could hardly stand straight. And Blue just wouldn't shut up, and I... Oh sweet Celectia I... I raised my hoof and I... I hit him. I hit him so hard I heard the smack. I knocked him backwards onto the bed. I... I didn't mean to. I don't know how I even... I just. I just did. I turned my head down and emptied the contents of my stomach, appalled by what I had just done. Even drunk I knew it was wrong!

He knew I felt horrid. I apologized over and over, and he just kept saying "It's okay, It's okay!" But, it wasn't okay. He said it was an accident. But that was a lie. That was my hoof. Mine only. I am the only pony in control of it. And I am the one who... hurt another pony.

For the rest of the week I felt horrid. I was just so depressed and appalled by myself. Couldn't sleep much. Hardly ate. That night, Blue had taken Cozy to one of her classmate's birthday party. I... I don't know what compelled me to do it. It just... felt right. I saw the knife in the kitchen. So sharp. So shiny. It just... called to me. I slowly trotted over it, my cheeks wet with silent tears. I grabbed the handle with my mouth and I... I lifted my foreleg. So... smooth and perfect. Even unbroken chocolate brown fur. It just... felt like the right thing to do.

Without thinking further, gently put the blade up against my skin. And then I pressed down on it. It stung. It stung unlike anything else I had felt before. I was strong though. I could handle it. Tears began to form in my eyes, so I deepened the cut. Punishment for showing weakness. I cried more, tears falling freely now. I pressed more and more, cutting deeper and deeper.

I cut too deep. I wailed and screamed, the pain only worsening. I had hit the bone. I quickly removed the knife, reacting fast. I had realized far too late that I had cut too deep. FAR too deep. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a hoodie from the chair near by and wrapped it tightly around my wound. I rushed to the phone and dialed 911. Despite my efforts, the blood was still pouring freely straight through the fabric. My mind was clouding up, and it was getting harder to see. "Hello, 911 what's your emergency?"

"Help! I cut myself... and... blood lots... I... need... help." I stated weakly, the last of my consciousness slipping away.