Guy Talk

by JonRS

Rating: teen
Tags: Snips, Snails, Spike, Comedy, Sex, DJ P0N-3, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 53537

Spike, Snips, and Snails host a radio show. Frustration and hilarity ensue.

Spike, along with Snips and Snails, discuss the more important topics plaguing the denizens of Equestria such as who's hotter to weird fetishes.

Published 2012-08-27 10:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-29 19:53:10 UTC

Horny

Guy Talk

Episode 1

"Hello, Equestria. Welcome to Guy Talk, where we objectify women in a female run society for the sake of entertainment. This is the first and hopefully last episode of this debacle." Spike said starting the show.

"Awww, come on. This is going to be awesome." Snips said excitedly.

"I'm totally pumped. What are you being such a bummer for anyway?" Snails said. Spike just sighed as his friends missed the point of his anger.

"You guys know what it means if we do this show, right? Talking about this stuff is fine when we're alone but there are ponies actually listening to us now. A lot of them aren't going to like what we talk about." Spike explained.

"I know right. We're totally gonna be famous." Snips said.

"Did you hear a word I just said?" Spike asked to colt who was practically bouncing in his chair.

"Yeah, you said a lot of people are going to be listening to us which means we're going to get super popular." Snails said. Snips and Snails slapped hooves as Spike groans in frustration.

"Whatever, let's just introduce ourselves. I'm Spike." The dragon spoke into the mike.

"I'm Cutter." Snips said.

"And I'm Slo Mo." Snails said.

"What the hay are you guys doing? Those aren't your names." Spike said confused by their new names

"We're establishing our new celebrity personas." Snips said.

"Our old names weren't cool enough so we changed them. Pretty cool, huh?" Snails said obviously proud of himself.

"I never thought I'd say this but your old names are better." Spike said.

"Guys, I hate to break this up but we'll never get to the topic at this rate." Vinyl Scratch said from her booth.

"That was our producer, Vinyl Scratch and the entire reason Snips and Snails are acting like a couple of big shots. You can blame her for this stupidity." Spike said introducing her.

"Now every one knows our real names." Snips said disappointed.

"We'll never be famous now." Snails said looking down. Spike placed his face in his palms and sighs heavily. There were no words for the kind idiocy he was experiencing right now.

"Let's get on with it. What's the topic?" Spike asked his two co-hosts.

"Oh yeah! Snails and I picked this one personally. On the count of three…." Snips announced.

"Are you guys really doing a countdown?" Spike asked.

"One!" Snails said.

"Oh Celestia, they're actually doing it." Spike sighed.

"Two!" Snips said.

"Can you just say it already?" Spike asked.

"Three!" Snails said.

"Who's hotter? Bon Bon or Lyra!" Snips and Snails said together much to the dismay of Spike.

"Truly the question that has plagued all of pony kind for eons. I'd like to apologize to if this conversation offends Bon Bon, Lyra, or anyone else." Spike said.

"What are you apologizing for? They have the honor of being our very first topic." Snips said.

"It's like they're getting a medal or something." Snails said.

"I'm sure they feel like winners right now. Three adolescent boys fighting over who's hotter. What girl doesn't dream of such luxury?" Spike said being quite sarcastic.

"Exactly!" Snips said taking it seriously.

"Now you're getting it." Snails said missing the point as well.

"I'm going with Bon Bon. She's just a bit better than Lyra." Snails said.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you why you're wrong. Lyra's the total package. Nice flank, beautiful smile, and those legs. I could go on, but we only have so much time." Snips said correcting his friend.

"And Bon Bon isn't the total package?" Snails asked in disbelief of his friend's opinion.

"She's a beautiful pony. Don't get me wrong. Lyra just has something that she can't compare with." Snips explained.

"What's that?" Spike asked.

"She's got a beautiful horn." Snips said stating the reason for his pick.

"Well, I'll give you that." Snails said agreeing with him but Spike was still confused.

"Hold on a second. Are you kidding me? You're picking Lyra because she's a unicorn!" Spike exclaimed.

"No, I'm picking her because she's got a great horn. It's almost perfect." Snips said."

"Okay, you got to explain this to me because this how I see it. You picked Lyra because she has a horn but you say it's not because she's a unicorn even though were comparing her to a earth pony." Spike said explaining his confusion.

"Let me put it this way. Lyra is a better unicorn, than Bon Bon is an earth pony." Snips said making his point.

"Because of her horn? Why?" Spike asked.

"Well, it has a nice shape. It's like a cone." Snails said.

"It has a nice point too." Snips added.

"Are you guys really telling me that unicorns care about horns when it comes to looks?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, it's really important to me." Snips said.

"Of course!" Snips nodded in agreement.

"I-I'm going to need a third opinion. Scratch, is this a thing?" Spike asked the pony in the booth.

"Oh yeah! I get my horn buffed and waxed all the time." She admitted.

"It looks great, Scratch!" Snips said paying her a small compliment.

"I think it's even better than Lyra's." Snails said

"Aww! Thanks, guys! That's really sweet!" Vinyl Scratch said appreciative for the praise.

"I don't get any of this. Maybe it's cause I'm a dragon." Spike said not understanding at all.

"Who'd you choose?" Snails asked.

"I chose Lyra, but I want to get back to this horn thing. I have lived around unicorns my entire life and I feel like I should know this. How big a deal is the horn of a unicorn when it comes to attraction?" Spike asked.

"It's literally the first thing I look at when I meet another unicorn." Snips said.

"There's even a fetish for it." Snails said.

"Hold on! I get the horn thing being a big deal, but you cannot make me believe that there are ponies out there with horn fetishes." Spike said unable to comprehend such a thing.

"Of course, there's a fetish for horns. You can pretty much turn anything into a fetish." Snips said.

"How would that even work? Is it just unicorns? Vinyl, do you know any ponies who are into this sort of thing?" Spike asked deferring to the unicorn's experience.

"I once dated a pegasus who was really into it. He'd ask me to just rub my horn on his body all the time." She said shocking the dragon.

"Really?! And that got him in the mood?" Spike asked.

"It did more than that actually. After a few minutes of moaning, he'd just lose it." Vinyl Scratch revealed.

"Are you telling me that you dated a guy who was so sensitive that your horn was enough to get him off?" Spike asked in awe of this sordid tale.

"He had a sensitivity to magic. Ponies like that don't need much." She said.

"What happened between you two? You get tired of rubbing your horn on him or what?" Snips asked.

"Actually, he asked me to do something with my horn that was just a little too kinky for my taste. Let's just say he literally asked to me to shove it, and I metaphorically told him the same thing." Vinyl Scratch answered causing Snips and Spike to react.

"Oh, that's sick!" Snips said shaking his head.

"I don't get it." Snails said being a bit slow on the uptake.

"Trust me, you don't want to and with that bit of disturbing imagery I'll think we'll end things here. I'd like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this." Spike said just as Snails realized what Vinyl meant

"Wait, I get it! Aww, gross." Snails said reacting a little later than everyone else.

"That was Snails. I'm Spike and this is Guy Talk signing off." Spike said.

If you have questions for Guy Talk, pm me with a question and your oc's name (or I'll just use your username). Your question could appear on the next show.

Of Horns and Asshole Exes

Guy Talk

Episode 2

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

“I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk, where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here once again with our producer, Vinyl Scratch, who has a very important announcement that she wouldn’t tell us until the show started.”

“Can you tell us already?” Snips asked.

“Alright, I’m only telling you guys now because I wanted the audience to hear you reactions. Do you remember my pegasus ex-boyfriend with the horn fetish?” The trio groaned as they were reminded of images of Vinyl Scratch doing something untoward with her horn filled their heads.

“How could any of us forget?” Snails said rubbing his face.

“I feel weird just thinking about it.” Snips cringed as the image crept into his head.

“Well, he’s heard of you guys and he’s not a fan. He sent a letter demanding we apologize for what he described as ‘rude and thoughtless statements mad against those who practice a perfectly acceptable sexual hobby’. That‘s about the gist of his letter to the station. So what do you guys think?”

“Is this guy for real?” Snips balked at the contents of the letter.

“What’s a sexual hobby?” Snails wondered aloud.

“He’s talking about his horn fetish and I think it’s completely ridiculous. First of all, nobody made any rude or thoughtless statements against ponies with a horn fetish. The only rude statements we made were because you asked Vinyl Scratch to stick part of her face into the dirtiest part of your body. I swear this guy is really full of himself.”

“Hey, Scratch! How’d this guy expect you to put your horn up his butt with that huge stick already up there?” Snails retorted.

“Whoa! Somepony call the fire department because that guy just got burned!” Snips shouted.

“Good one, Snails!” Vinyl Scratch laughed.

“I can’t believe it. I was worried about offending Bon Bon and Lyra and instead we offend some pervert who thinks asking his girlfriend to stick her horn in his butt is ‘perfectly acceptable’. You know what, Vinyl Scratch. Next time, you get into a relationship with somepony I want to meet them first.” Spike told the unicorn.

“I’m actually in a relationship already. She’s pretty uptight, but you’d like her.”

“Is she hot?” Snips inquired eagerly.

“Come on, Snips. Do you really think I’d date somepony who wasn’t?”

“I definitely want to meet her now.” Snails said excitedly.

“Settle down, fellas. We got more important things to worry about now. We got a request topic from a listener to deal with. Would Vinyl please do the honors and read our first listener question?”

“I think I need a countdown. How about it, Snips and Snails?” The colts looked at each other in excitement as Spike started to panic.

“You can’t be serious? Just read the question, Scratch!”

“No way, Spike! I think we got you outvoted. Let er’ rip, boys!”

“Wait a minute! Equestria isn’t a democracy. It‘s a monarchy.”

“All hail, Princess Scratch!” Snips yelled.

“Huh! That’s now how it works. At least, I don‘t think so.”

“Snips and Snails, your princess bids you to proceed.”

“You got it, your royalness!” Snails said saluting his new princess.

“Oh, dear Celestia! We’re going to do this every episode, aren’t we?” Spike buried his face in his palms and sighed.

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three!” They announced loudly as Spike groaned.

“Thanks, guys. Our question comes from Rodrigo of Mobius and he asks, “If you were stuck in a cave, which Element of Harmony would it be with?”

“You know a countdown is technically done backwards, not forward.”

“You know what, Spike is right. Should we do it again, guys?”

“NO! Let’s just get to the question, alright? I can only handle so much before my IQ drops a few points.” Spike said as he massaged his temples.

“Aww, this one’s easy. I’d just pick Twilight.” Snails answered.

“Why?” Snips inquired.

“Couldn’t she just use her magic to get us out of the cave? We‘d be out in an instant.” He explained.

“I don’t think you get it, Snails. He’s asking if you had to be stuck somewhere for a long time who would it be with. It’s not about getting out, but who you would want by your side if you were trapped.” Spike told him. Snips seemed to understand as he spoke up.

“Oh, I get it. Then I’d choose Fluttershy. She’s great at taking care of others. It might come in handy if I got hurt or sick.” Spike sighed as Snips missed the point as well.

“No, that’s not it either. He’s basically asking which pony you like the most.”

“Ummm…. What does that have to do with being trapped in a cave though?” Snips wondered aloud.

“It’s a hypothetical situation. You’re supposed to reveal which pony you like the most by answering that you’d want to be trapped with them.”

“I don’t get it.” Snails scratched his head in confusing.

“Yeah, why didn’t he just ask us which one we like the most?” Snips asked.

“Just answer the question!” Spike ordered them as his frustration reached new heights.

“I guess I’d have to pick Applejack then. I’ve always had a things for blondes and have you seen her bucking apples. Definitely a ten out of ten.” Snips said confidently.

“Hold on a second! Are you telling me that you stalk Applejack while she’s bucking apple trees?” Spike looked at colt with suspicious eyes.

“It’s not stalking! I just happen to see her sometimes is all.” The colt started to act rather nervously as Spike looked at him.

“So you just happen to be walking through the Apple Family orchard, which is huge by the way, and you just happen to catch Applejack bucking trees, which she does only at a particular time of the day. Is that what you’re telling me?” Spike made a convincing argument which put Snips in a corner.

“That does seem kind of suspicious.” Snails stated as he sided with Spike.

“Err… So Snails who’d you pick?” Snips quickly shifted the attention away from himself.

“Oh, I gotta go with Rainbow Dash. She’s so awesome.”

“She’s alright, but she doesn’t hold a candle to my pick.” Spike said as Snips and Snails groaned.

“We all know your pick, dude.” Snails rolled his eyes at the dragon’s statement.

“If my pick is so obvious, it’s only because she’s way better than both of yours.”

“I swear to Celestia if you say Rarity is hotter than Applejack, I will hurt you.”

“I just did. Weren’t you listening?”

“There’s no way Applejack or Rarity is hotter than Rainbow Dash anyway.”

“What! You’re both crazy! Rarity is the most beautiful pony ever. That‘s not an opinion. It‘s a fact!” The three of them stood up and slammed their appendages on the table as they glared at each other.

“Hey, guys! Before you throw down, I got Bon Bon on line one and she is not happy. How about we all just calm down and see what she has to say?” Vinyl Scratch’s suggestion seemed to have the desired effect as all three of them calmed down.

“Whatever.” They all said in unison as they sat back down.

“Okay, Bon Bon. I’m patching you through.”

“Hello, am I on the show?” She asked.

“Yeah, you’re talking directly to them now. Go ahead and tell them what you told me.”

“Good, I’ve wanted to talk to you for awhile now. Ever since your first episode, my life has been nothing but one huge problem. Do you have any the trouble you caused with your little discussion?”

“Listen, I’m sorry if we offended you and Lyra. We really didn’t mean any harm by it.” Spike apologized for the discussion but it didn’t seem to appease Bon Bon at all.

“You think I’m offended? I wish that were the case! The problem is Lyra.”

“Is she offended?” Snips asked.

“The problem is her horn! Ever since she heard you gushing over it, she’s been preening it nonstop since your show. All I hear all day is ‘Bon Bon, is there a spot on my horn?’ or ‘Does my horn look better from the left or the right?’. Don’t even get me started on how she spends all her time in the bathroom just cleaning the damn thing. I swear if I hear one more thing about her precious horn I’m going to lose it.”

“For the record, it looks just a little bit better from the right.” Snails answered.

“YOU’RE NOT HELPING!” The mare shouted causing feedback that made their ears hurt.

“Okay, we’re sorry, but what do you expect us to do about it?” Spike asked.

“This is your fault! You created this mess and you need to fix it. I’m putting her on now.”

“Whoa! How are we supposed to fix this?” Spike said looking to his friends.

“I don’t know but it seems like Bon Bon will be super pissed if we don’t.” Snips said scared at facing the earth mare’s wrath.

“Hello, is this Guy Talk?” Lyra’s voice appeared on the line.

“Hey, Lyra. Bon Bon told us you listened to our show. How’s it going?” Spike asked nervously.

“I was just taking care of my wonderful horn. I really owe you guys a lot. I never realized how it just brings my whole look together. I see you rolling your eyes, Bon Bon!” Lyra shouted.

“Yeah, that’s nice, but Bon Bon told us that you may be overdoing it just a tiny bit.” Snails pointed out.

“Don’t mind her. She’s just doesn’t understand the care that goes into maintaining such a spectacular horn.”

“That’s nice, but maybe you should ease up a bit. I mean you didn’t really need to do anything extra to begin with to get noticed in the first place.” Snips said.

“I guess you’re right. I was just doing it because well Bon Bon never compliments my horn and when you guys did it, I just wanted Bon Bon to say something nice about it.”

“Is that what this was all about? You just wanted me to compliment your horn. You know I love every inch of you from your hooves to your horn. Come here you.” Bon Bon and Lyra were close enough that the sounds of them making out over the phone could be heard as it fell to the floor. The three boys listened intently as they heard playful giggling and kissing coming over the line.

“Oooh! You’re so naughty, Bonnie!” The line suddenly went dead as Vinyl Scratch cut the call.

“Aww, what’s the big deal, Scratch?” Snips asked disappointed.

“It was just getting good.” Spike said crossing his arms.

“Sorry, guys. It’s about time to wrap things up. Besides there only so much we can air over the radio.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Snails sighed.

“I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened except Vinyl Scratch’s ex who is an asshole in every sense of the word. This is Guy Talk signing off. Also Rarity is best pony.” Spike said quickly.

“Hey!”

Princess Abstinence

Episode 3

Princess Abstinence

“I’m Snails!”

“I’m Snips!”

“I’m Spike and this Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment, along with our producer and the female voice of Guy Talk, Vinyl Scratch.”

“Sup’ Equestria.”

“Sup’ indeed. We’re here with a very special guest today whom I’ve known for a very long time. He’s the captain of the royal guard and Twilight’s big brother. I’d like to welcome our very first guest to the show, Shining Armor.”

“It’s great to be here, Spike. Thanks for having me on.”

“So you’re married to Princess Cadence, right? I‘m just going to jump into it and ask what everyone is thinking. How is she in the sack?” Snips asked quickly. Spike slapped his palm against his face in frustration.

“I’m sorry, but I wasn’t thinking that at all.”

“I was.” Snails chimed.

“Me too.” Vinyl Scratch announced. Spike looked up and shook his head.

“Ugh, I apologize for them. They’re always like this.”

“It’s okay, Spike. I actually get asked that a lot. Some of the guards asked me all the time after the honeymoon.”

“Hold on a second! You waited til after you were married to have sex?”

“That’s right, Snails. We practiced abstinence so it would mean more when we got married.”

“Weren’t you guys dating for years?” Spike asked.

“Yep and it was totally worth it!”

“Really?” Snips asked suspiciously.

“What are you getting at, Snips?” Spike looked at his friend wondering why he didn’t believe him.

“He’s telling us that he dated one of the hottest ponies ever and that you didn’t once during years of dating want to have sex. I don’t buy it.”

“I mean of course there were times when I wanted to take things further, but Cadence always made sure we stayed true to our vow.”

“Sounds more like it was her vow.” Snips said.

“Come on, Snips. It’s something they both agreed on.” Spike argued.

“Did she at least do anal?”

“Snips, that‘s none of your business!”

“How about a blowjob?”

“Snails, I really don’t think that’s appropriate!”

“A hoof job, at least.”

“Vinyl! I’m really sorry about this, Shining Armor. You don’t have to answer them.”

“No, she really didn’t do any of that stuff.” Shining Armor answered dejectedly.

“I’m assuming things must have been difficult for you. I mean it wouldn’t take much to get excited around a pony like Princess Cadence.” Snips nodded sagely.

“Well, it did get hard sometimes.” Shining Armor said.

“I’ll bet it did.” Vinyl Scratch said suggestively.

“Please refrain from hitting on the married stallion, Scratch.” Spike chastised his producer for her lascivious comment.

“Aww, I’m just joking, Spike. By the way, I’m not a big fan of abstinence either, big bro.” Vinyl Scratch winked at the stallion causing him to blush.

“It sounds like this whole abstinence idea was something she came up with.” Snails pointed out.

“I mean she brought it up and I agreed to it because I liked her so much. I thought it would be easy at first. It turns out I was wrong.”

“So let’s say you two are making out and something comes up. What happens next?” Snips posited.

“She’d…. turn her head and ask me to go take care of it.” He admitted rather ashamed of the memories.

“Really?” Snails looked at him incredulously.

“Okay, I got to admit that does sound kind of sad.” Spike added.

“Ouch! I mean that’s tough, buddy. I just got one last question. When Chrysalis was controlling your mind, did she at least try to touch you once in a while? Because Princess Cadence has been doing it for years and she certainly didn’t.”

“Alright, Snips! I think that’s enough! Don‘t listen to him, Shining Armor. Snips is a very special colt. He just tends to rant sometimes.” Spike said trying to dismiss his friend’s words as mindless ramblings.

“No, it’s all true. She’s been manipulating me for years with that stupid vow.” The stallion shook his head and looked down angrily.

“Hey, you said it was all worth it. Remember? You told us it meant more because you waited.”

“How was I supposed to know the difference? She barely touched me in the first place!”

“Oookay, I think we should all just take a moment to just sit back and remember how much we love and treasure the ponies in our lives. Let’s move on to our viewer question while we do that. Guys, please start the countdown to the question of the day.” Spike said trying to take his mind off the current topic.

“I thought you hated that.” Snails said.

“Just do it already!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One! It’s the question of the day!” Snips and Snails announced.

“Alright, you’re going to love this Shining Armor. I’m sure of it! What’s the question of the day, Scratch?” The stallion only grumbled at Spike’s statement.

“Umm… I don’t think this question is really appropriate.” Vinyl Scratch commented as she read
the card to herself.

“It’s fine, Scratch. Just read the letter.”

“I should just go get another letter. It’ll only take a minute.”

“We don’t have a minute. Please read the question.” Spike urged the mare.

“Okay, you asked for it. HungryPony writes, ‘who do you think is hotter? Celestia, Luna or Cadence.’ ” Spike instantly slammed his palms to his face as the question was read aloud.

“Oooh! I like that one.” Snails said.

“Me too! A great question from HungryPony.” Snips stated.

“Let’s pick another one. I mean his name is HungryPony! What parents name their foal, HungryPony? It sounds so made up. Let‘s move on.”

“I like it!” Shining Armor announced.

“You do?” Spike asked not liking this one bit.

“Yeah, I think it’s an excellent topic. Mind if I go first, fellas?”

“Go ahead.” Snails said happily.

“I don’t mind at all.” Snips added.

“Actually, I’d like to just say before we start that I think Cadence is absolutely wonderful. She’s kind, intelligent, and just an all around great pony. I think everypony at this table should agree with me when I say that Cadence is definitely wonderful.” Spike looked at his friends hoping they’d get the heavily, implied hint.

“Yeah, he asked who’s the hottest, Spike. Cadence’s being wonderful doesn’t mean anything. Right, Snips?”

“Exactly, Snails. This isn’t a most wonderful personality contest. Go ahead, Shining Armor. Who‘s your pick?”

“Glad you asked, Snips. I choose-” Before the stallion could answer though a pink flash popped into the recording room landing on the table.

“Princess Cadence!” Snips, Snails, And Spike shouted as the princess stood above them.

“Well, look who decided to show up. She’s probably going to tell me who to pick. Can I make at least one decision without you butting in?” Shining Armor said derisively as his wife appeared before him.

“I heard everything, Shining Armor. Do you honestly believe that I made that promise for myself? I made it for us, my darling.” Cadence stepped down to confront him.

“Is that why you made me leave the room every time I got an erection? Is that why you looked away whenever it happened? Do you have any idea how that felt back then?” He asked angrily.

“Better than you think, my love. I had urges too. I only did those things because I was tempted as well.”

“Really?”

“Remember our honeymoon? How anxious I was to consummate our relationship?” Princess Cadence said invoking memories that made the soldier smile.

“Do I! You practically tackled me to the ground when I opened the door to the suite. Oh Cadence, I‘ve been so foolish! Can you ever forgive me?” Shining Armor asked.

“Only if you promise to keep me company tonight, my brave soldier.” The alicorn said nuzzling her lover’s neck.

“You got it, your highness.”

“What’s wrong, Snips? Your face is all red.” Spike asked the colt who was staring down at the table.

“I saw it.” The colt’s head still looking down at the table.

“Saw what?” Snails wondered aloud.

“When Princess Cadence teleported onto the table, I could see directly under her tail.”

“What?” Cadence shouted in shock.

“Why are you blushing though?” The dragon looked at his friends flushed cheeks.

“Something came up.” Snips said directing his gaze towards his lap.

“That‘s pretty impressive, Snips. It took me years to see that from Cadence.” His wife shot him a glare that silenced the laughing guard.

“Well, I think we can pretty much guess who‘s Snips‘ favorite princess is now. How about you, Snails?”

“Celestia all the way.”

“I‘m more of Luna guy, myself. I assume Shining Armor‘s choice is Cadence.”

“Yep!”

“Guys, we’re running out of time.” Vinyl Scratch announced.

“It‘s probably a good time to end here. I‘m not exactly comfortable sitting at a table with Snips right now. You okay, pal?”

“Yeah, I’m doing great.” Snips said momentarily making eye contact with the embarrassed princess causing the both of them to quickly look away. Shining Armor chuckled at the sight earning him another death stare from Cadence.

“I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this episode. I’d like to thank our special guests, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, for coming on today. This Guy Talk is brought to you by Sugarcube Corner where the sweetest treat is just around the corner. Goodnight, Equestria!”

A/N: If you have a question or guest, you want to appear on the show just pm me (or leave a really nice review). I'll try to make it happen.

The Great and Powerful Episode

The Great and Powerful Episode

Chapter 4

“I’m the great and powerful Trixie, and I’d like to welcome all of my fans to a particularly spectacular episode of Guy Talk, where I will discuss everyone’s favorite topic. Me!”

“Yeah! Way to go, Trixe!” Snails cheered loudly.

“Best intro ever!” Snips said as he whistled his approval.

“I can’t believe it! She didn’t even say it right. You were supposed to say it like I do. Where was the part about objectifying females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment? She stepped all over my shtick. You forgot to introduce our producer, Vinyl Scratch.” Spike complained.

“It’s cool with me, Spike.” The deejay chimed in.

“Pshaw! If anything, she made it thirty percent cooler.” Snips said.

“That’s ten percent cooler than Rainbow Dash. Trixie’s awesome!” Snails agreed.

“Whatever let’s just get this over with. As you’ve no doubt heard, our guest today is the ever so humble and modest Trixie. After I invited Shining Armor, Snips and Snails insisted that they be allowed to bring a guest to the show.”

“I’m beginning to get the feeling that you don’t like me very much, Spike. The great and powerful Trixie is not as bad as you think she is.”

“Yeah, Spike! Quit hassling our guest! We were nice to Shining Armor.” Snips said.

“Are you kidding? You nearly broke up the guy’s marriage and you peeped on his wife. Twilight chewed me out because you almost screwed up their relationship.”

“Trixie didn’t do anything wrong though.” Snails argued.

“Yeah, she’s completely innocent.” Snips nodded.

“She nearly destroyed the town with her bragging!”

“Didn’t you nearly destroy the town too?” Snails reminded. Spike coughed as if caught off guard by that mistake.

“That’s different. It‘s not like it happened every week.” Spike said defending himself.

“ It kind of does actually. Fluttershy almost destroyed the town with parasprites. There was also that time Applejack poisoned the town with muffins. The time Twilight caused everypony in town to fight over a doll.”

“Okay, I get it, Snails, but they saved the town on numerous occasions and I apologized for that incident. Trixie ran away without saying a word. What do you have to say for yourself, Miss Not so Great and Powerful?”

“I’d actually like to apologize to everyone, especially you Spike.” Trixie’s apology caught everyone off guard.

“You don’t have to apologize, Trixie. It was our fault!” Snips announced.

“Yeah, we brought that Ursa Minor back to town.” Snails admitted.

“But it was Trixie’s lies and exaggerations that caused you two to go off and do that in the first place. I wanted to come on today and apologize to all of Ponyville for my behavior.”

“Ummm….. Wow, I don’t know what to say, Trixie. I kind of expected you to go off on some rant about how it wasn’t your fault or declare your revenge against Twilight Sparkle. I kind of feel bad for treating you like a jerk. I’m sorry about that.” Spike said as scratched his head.

“It’s quite all right, Spike. The great and powerful Trixie realizes she’s a role model and must act accordingly that’s why I brought you a gift.” Trixie levitated a gift wrapped box to Spike.

“Wow, I really wasn’t expecting this. Thanks, Trixie. Mind if I open it now?”

“Go right ahead, Spike.” The mare smiled as she watched Spike hold the rectangular box up.

“Do we get presents?” Snips asked excitedly.

“I’m sorry, boys. I only brought one for Spike.” The both of them sighed in disappointment as Spike pulled the lid off the box. Inside was a green rhinestone vest with a black bowtie and a set of white cuffs. The outfit was reminiscent of what a magician’s assistant might wear.

“Wow! These are some fancy duds. I really appreciate it, Trixie.” Spike marveled at the clothes.

“Try them on.” Trixie said. Spike nodded as he slipped the attire on.

“What do you think?” Spike asked his friends.

“You look okay, I guess.” Snips said envious of the attention being showered on Spike.

“It’s alright.” Snails muttered wishing he had gotten one.

“You look adorable, if I do say so myself.” Trixie said complimenting the dragon.

“What’s up with you guys? You seem kind of down.” Spike noticed as his friends weren’t as excited as they were a moment ago.

“We want to know why you got a cool outfit when you didn’t even like her.” Snips demanded.

“Yeah, we liked the great and powerful Trixie before it was cool and we didn‘t get anything.” Snails told the dragon.

“It’s because the great and powerful Trixie has been harboring a secret ever since she left Ponyville!” Trixie announced. Everyone gasped at this sudden revelation.

“What’s that?” Snails asked.

“There’s been someone on the great and powerful…. I mean my mind for a long time and I think it’s time I made my feelings known. Spike?” Trixie said staring directly into the dragon’s eyes. Spike was a little unnerved by the intensity of her stare. It was like her purple eyes had singled him out as the only being in the room. If he was alone, he might have ran away, but he wasn’t alone. He was among friends. Or at least he thought he was, Snips and Snails were staring at him as well but there stares were of an entirely different nature. At least, Vinyl Scratch was there to make sure things didn’t get too out of hand.

“Yeah?” Spike acknowledged the mare who put a soft hoof over one of his claws. The gesture earned a snort from Snips and Snails who were looking more and more dangerous by the second.

“You’re one of the most adorable creatures I have ever met and I would be honored if you joined me on the road as my personal assistant.” Snips and Snails turned the kind of angry that Spike thought Twilight was capable of as their manes and tails flared up like flames at Trixie‘s request.

“What?” They shouted.

“I-I don’t know what to say, Trixie. I’m really honored you feel that way, but I’m already Twilight’s assistant.” Spike responded nervously. He felt like he was caught between a rock and a hard place. Trixie’s affections were the only thing keeping Snips and Snails from jumping him. He had to let her down gently while trying to convince his friends that he didn

“I know. I noticed her by your side. I could tell how close you were, but if you give us a chance, I’m sure I could make you even happier than Twilight. Think about it, Spike. The great and powerful Trixie and her assistant, the magnificent Spike, together on stage.” Trixie’s words were painting a glamorous picture in the dragon’s head. He always liked being the center of attention. It was one of the main reasons he did Guy Talk.

“Magnificent Spike does have a nice ring to it.” The dragon said. He could feel the heat of his friends glare as they stared at him. Snips was growling like some sort of caged animal. Spike decided to change his tune before they decided to do something about him.

“But I can’t. Who would help Twilight take care of the library?”

“Come now, Spike. Why work in some dusty, old library when you could visit the shining jewel of the desert, Las Pegasus? Instead of wasting away in some library, you’d be on stage cheered by a crowd of adoring fans. Can’t you see it, Spike? The stage is calling us. It‘s calling you.” Trixie said enticing the dragon.

“Las Pegasus?” Snails said realizing what that meant.

“That would mean Spike wouldn’t live in Ponyville anymore. We couldn’t hang out or do the show anymore.” Snips thought aloud as his anger turned to sadness.

“Don’t worry, my little admirers. You’d still be able to see Spike. We’ll stop by at least once a year to do a show here. You can see the magnificent Spike perform alongside yours truly then.” Snips and Snails weren’t exactly thrilled by the idea of seeing their friend once a year on stage, but they realized it was a big opportunity for him.

“You should do it, Spike.” Snips said.

“Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun.” Snails added. Spike looked at his friends’ sad faces and realized he had two huge reasons to stay right in front of him.

“Guys, I’m not-” Spike was interrupted by the door to the recording room being bucked open.

“Hold it right there! He’s not going anywhere!” The unicorn announced as she entered the room.

“Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie called out the name of the intruder.

“You aren’t going anywhere, Spike. I know what this is. This is all some silly revenge plot concocted by Trixie to get back at me.” Twilight said pointing a hoof at the magician. The blue mare tossed her mane back and laughed at the accusation.

“Get over yourself, Twilight Sparkle. Trixie’s affections towards Spike are quite real. In fact, I think you’ll agree that Spike is much better off with somepony as extravagant as me. To be honest, you’re a bit dull. Spike deserves someone who doesn’t have their head buried in books all the time.” Trixie said as she stood up and faced the mare.

“Umm, excuse me?”

“Stay out of this, Spike! Who do you think you are. Trixie? If you think you can sweep into Ponyville and take Spike away, you got another thing coming. Spike‘s been my loyal assistant for years. He‘d never leave me.”

“Can I say something?”

“Not now, Spike! If you truly believe that, why are you here? It’s obvious you’re threatened by a superior unicorn who can take care of Spike. It’s actually quite sad that you can’t even bring yourself to accept that Spike is far better off with Trixie.”

“I’d just like to say one thing.”

“No!” They both told him.

“It’s obvious Spike wants to be with the great and powerful Trixie. Why would he stay with a boring mare like you when he could live a life of excitement with me. Just accept it, Twilight Sparkle!”

“That’s it! Spike take that outfit off. We‘re going home right now.” Twilight ordered him.

“Where do you think you’re going with my Spike?” Trixie said standing in front of the door.

“I’m warning you, Trixie. I knock down that door. You really want to get in my way?” Twilight threatened. The mare leaned in and smiled.

“You don’t have the guts, Twilight Sparkle.” Trixie dared her.

“That’s it!” Twilight said pouncing on the mare. Spike just sighed as he watched the two mares wrestle and shout at each other.

“As I was saying, I’m not going anywhere.” Spike said but the two of them seemed to engrossed in the task of pounding the other into oblivion.

“Really?” Snails asked.

“Of course not. Without me, this show is just two idiots egging each other on. Who’d listen to that?”

“So that means that Trixie still needs an assistant. I‘ll do it!” Snips said.

“What? I thought you wanted me to stay.” Spike looked at the colt incredulously.

“I did, because I thought you were going with Trixie, but if you’re not going, I’d be more than glad to take your place.” Snips volunteered.

“Why should you go? I want to go!” Snails whined.

“I called it!”

“No way!” Snails said as Snip went on the attack. Now the two of them were fighting on the other side of the table amidst all this chaos Vinyl Scratch finally spoke up.

“I just have two things I’d like to add. The first is it’s time to end the show. The second is nobody is going anywhere because your contracts have an exclusivity clause. You aren‘t legally allowed to do another show.”

“You couldn’t have told me this before everyone started fighting.”

“And lose all this radio gold. The ratings are higher than ever!”

“Whatever! I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. This show was brought to you by the Barnstorm Blitz Sale at Barnyard Bargains. Barnyard Bargains for barn sized value at bargain prices. I’m going to fight Vinyl Scratch, because I feel kind of left out. This is Guy Talk signing off.”

A/N: The questions will return next episode.

Battle of the Sexes

Guy Talk

Battle of the Sexes

Episode 6

“I’m Scootaloo.”

“I’m Sweetie Belle.”

“I’m Applebloom and this is Guy Talk where girls rule.” The girls all cheered at Applebloom’s proclamation even Vinyl Scratch joined in the merriment.

“Et tu, Scratch?” Spike asked the producer.

“You can’t expect me not to cheer that one, Spike.” The producer countered. Spike just shook his head and shrugged off the comment.

“That’s not how it goes, Applebloom, but it’s the basic idea. I guess I should explain about the rather odd introduction, namely that the Cutie Mark Cusaders did it and not us. If you remember the ending to our last episode, we were being chased by the Cutie Mark Crusaders for certain comments made during our last broadcast. In exchange for not kicking the tar out of us, we agreed to let them do one show.” Spike explained.

“Just to be clear, we totally could have taken them, but we don’t hit girls.” Snips spoke up.

“Really, Snips? I didn’t get that impression when you were screaming like a filly for me to not hit you.” Scootaloo responded.

“I didn’t scream like a filly! That was a karate yell. I was about to unleash a ancient technique that would have stopped any attack.”

“Oh really? Applebloom, could you give Snips a demonstration of real martial arts?” Scootaloo nodded to her friend who jumped out the chair and lounged forward at Snips with a jump kick.

“Aieeeeeeee!” Snips let out a high pitched scream and threw his hooves up over his face. Applebloom landed on the table in front of Snips. Snips opened his eyes as he realized he was not hurt.

“That’s some technique, Snips. I didn’t know being a coward was a martial art technique.”

“Y-you were lucky that you stopped. I was about to unleash a flurry of blows upon you the likes of which you‘ve never seen.” Snips slammed a hoof into the table in chopping motion.

“Yeouch!” He shouted in pain as the hardwood table made contact with his hoof. Spike just sighed loudly.

“Alright, girls. You have our show for the day. What do you want to talk about?” Spike asked.

“I don’t know what to talk about.” Applebloom admitted.

“We usually talk about people we like.” Snails said.

“Yeah, why don’t you tell us who you like Applebloom?” Spike asked.

“M-me! G-gosh, I don’t really have anypony like that.” Applebloom blushed.

“Didn’t you say you had a crush on- mmph!” Applebloom quickly covered Sweetie Belle’s mouth.

“That’s crazy talk, Sweetie Belle! She must be thinking of someone else.”

“Oh hoh! The littlest apple does have somepony she likes. You got to tell us now.” Spike rubbed his claws together devilishly.

“No, I don‘t!” The filly said looking down at her lap.

“I don’t know. You’re looking pretty guilty, AB. What do you think, guys?”

“She’s definitely hiding something.” Snails commented.

“Let’s hear it, Applebloom?” Snips asked.

“Lay off, guys. She obviously doesn’t want to talk.” Scootaloo spoke up.

“Yeah, quit being mean.” Sweetie Belle joined in.

“We’re not being mean, girls. It’s just like what Snails said earlier. We talk about who we like on this show. You wanted to come on and host the show. This is all part of the show.” Spike told them.

“If you don’t like it, you can leave and let the boys take over.” Snips bumped his hoof with Spike and Snails.

“You can’t do that. It’s not fair!” Scootaloo objected.

“I’m afraid it is. It’s our show and we make the rules.” Snails announced proudly.

“That’s not true, is it?” Sweetie Belle wondered aloud.

“Afraid so, girls. They have complete control over the booth. It’s in their contract.” Vinyl Scratch informed them.

“Aww, looks like this isn’t our special talent either.” Sweetie Belle sighed.

“Don’t worry about it, Applebloom. Let’s leave the jerks with their stupid show.” Scootaloo said before she stuck her tongue out at them. Applebloom had been quiet the whole time as she looked down, but she heard everything.

“I’ll do it.” Applebloom said looking up.

“What?!” Her friends shouted as they look at the filly.

“Applebloom, you don’t have to do this.” The pegasus told her.

“I know, but Apples aren’t cowards! That’s what Applejack always told me and I plan on seeing this through no matter what.” The filly said with newfound determination.

“Talk is cheap. Put your money where mouth is.” Spike said earning cheers from his compatriots.

“Good idea, Spike.” Applebloom said as a crazy idea popped into her head. The filly jumped on the table and walked towards Spike. Her eyes locked on the dragon’s. She stopped and looked down at Spike with a strange smile on her face.

“W-What are you doing?” Spike asked the filly who was leaning forward.

“Putting my money where my mouth is.” Applebloom whispered as she closed her eyes and planted her lips squarely on Spike’s mouth. The filly decided to go for broke as she revealed her feelings for the dragon with action instead of words. Despite everything in her mind telling not to do it, she did it anyway. Maybe it was because he had backed her into a corner and she wanted to go out swinging. Maybe it was because there probably wouldn’t be a chance to do this if she just told him. Maybe she had gone temporarily insane. Whatever the reasons, it no longer mattered now. The deed was done.

Applebloom slowly pulled back savoring the warm sensation of Spike’s lips as she broke away. She opened her eyes to see a rather shell shocked Spike sitting in his chair with his mouth slightly opened with wide open eyes. The filly couldn’t read his expression at all. She looked around to see her everyone else was in a similar state of surprise.

“What just happened?” Spike asked slowly.

“Dude, she just kissed you.” Snips informed him. Spike watched as the filly walked back to her seat and acted like it was no big deal.

“So what else do you guys do? Besides talk about people you like.” Applebloom said playfully as she looked at Spike.

“Oh! I-I think we.. Uhhh…. I know we do something else.” Spike’s mind stumbled as he tried to remember what should have been simple information.

“What’s the matter, Spike? I thought this was your show and you can’t even remember what you do.” Scootaloo said striking as his mind failed to think of anything except a soft sensation with a hint of apples. With a single kiss, the girls had swung the momentum in their favor once again.

“Look at him. He’s blushing.” Sweetie Belle pointed out. The girls giggled as Spike turned his head trying to hide his face.

“Come on, Spike. Get it together. You‘re embarrassing us.” Snips said nudging him.

“Right! She just caught me off guard.” Spike muttered.

“We answer letters from our fans, but I bet you can‘t do that.” Snails dared them.

“We can totally do that!” Scootaloo said with full confidence.

“Yeah, bring it!” Sweetie Belle shouted.

“Alright, I guess it all comes down to this one question from ru77ian. Why are Rainbow Dash’s front hooves stronger than her back hooves?”

“I don’t know the answer to that. What about you, Snails?” Snips asked.

“I didn’t even know her front hooves were stronger than her back hooves. How’s anypony supposed to know that?”

“I know. Nobody knows more about Rainbow Dash than me.” Scootaloo said proudly.

“Ummm…. Maybe Spike knows.” Snips said trying to answer before the girls could. He looked to the dragon who had spaced out. He nudged the dragon awaking him from his thoughts.

“Huh!” Spike said becoming alert at his name.

“Did you even hear the question?” Snips asked angrily.

“Yeah, it was something about Rainbow Dash’s hooves, right?”

“Is something wrong, Spike?” Applebloom asked a little worried about him.

“It’s just… that was my first kiss and it happened so fast. I don‘t know I just thought it‘d be more special.” Spike said sadly.

“Aww, shucks. I’m sorry, Spike. I guess I didn’t take into account your feelings. I was just so caught up in the moment.” Applebloom said becoming depressed.

“It’s okay, Applebloom. It was pretty nice, but it just caught me off guard. I think I’m going to need sometime to figure out how I feel about this.” Spike said placing a hand over his face.

“Of course, Spike. I understand completely. Come on, girls.” Applebloom said.

“Thanks, Applebloom. I really appreciate it.” Spike said as his voice started to break. He waved to the girls with his free hand. The studio was silent until Snails spoke up.

“Are you alright, dude?” The colt asked.

“I-I don’t know. Are they gone?” Spike asked in low whisper.

“Yeah.” Snips answered.

“Could you call someone for me, Scratch?” Spike asked as he sniffed his nose.

“Sure, I can get Twilight on the line right away.”

“Actually, I was hoping you could call the academy.”

“The academy?” Scratch said puzzled. Spike dropped his hand from his face to reveal huge smile on his face.

“Tell them I graciously accept my award for best acting.” Spike said bowing in his seat.

“What!” Snips, Snails and Vinyl Scratch shouted.

“But I thought…. Weren’t you just…” Vinyl Scratch stumbled at Spike’s sudden turnaround.

“That was just an act to get the girls to leave and it worked perfectly.” Spike said brushing his claw against his chest.

“Dude, that was awesome!” Snips said astounded.

“You’re amazing, Spike!” Snails applauded the dragon’s performance by stamping his hoof.

“I’m pretty steamed at you, but I got to admit that you had me going there for a second.” Scratch admitted.

“Well, somebody had to defend the integrity of our show. This is Guy Talk. We can’t have a bunch of girls come in and take over.”

“So were you faking the entire time or what?” Snips asked.

“I was pretty shocked at first. She really did a number on me when she kissed me out of nowhere. I have to admit that I did enjoy it a little though.”

“Well, I’m just glad we got our show back.” Snails said. As if on cue, the door of the studio was once again kicked open. Two figures stood defiantly in the doorway. One adorned in a rather expensive tiara and the other wearing designer glasses. Both of them wore smug expressions as they looked at trio.

“Think again, losers!” Diamond Tiara shouted.

“You know I’d like to do one episode where someone doesn’t bust in through the door. I mean you could have at least used the doorknob. It‘s not that hard. Grab and twist. You see what I‘m doing. It‘s not that hard.” Spike ranted as he demonstrated proper door opening procedure.

“Whatever, you can’t tell us what to do.” Silver Spoon scoffed.

“What do you two want?” Snips asked with clear disdain in his voice.

“I just wanted to let you dweebs know that you’re looking at next week’s guests.” Diamond Tiara gloated.

“No way! We decide who’s on our show and we‘d never let you two be on.” Snails shouted.

“Yeah, why don’t the two of you turn around and leave? I’d ask you not to let the door hit you on the way out, but I’d be lying if I pretended to care.” Spike quipped.

“Ha-ha, you’re so funny I forgot to laugh.” Silver Spoon responded sarcastically.

“Good, you can remember on your way out. Goodbye.” Spike said waving them off.

“Actually, he’s right, Silver Spoon. We do need their permission . That’s why their going to give it to us.” Diamond Tiara said with absolute confidence.

“Yeah right! Why would we ever let you on our show?” Snips asked.

“Does the name ‘Barnyard Bargain’ ring a bell?” Diamond Tiara asked flipping her mane back.

“Yeah, they’re one of our sponsors.” Snails answered.

“Wrong as usual, Snails. They’re your biggest sponsor.” Silver Spoon corrected him.

“And what does that have to do with anything?” Spike asked.

“My daddy owns Barnyard Bargains. One word from me and I’ll have him pull his support.” Diamond Tiara threatened.

“Big whoop! We don’t have to shill for your dad anymore what’s the big deal.” Spike said.

“Guys, I hate to say it, but without that sponsorship, we won‘t have enough ad revenue to keep the show on the air. The station will drop us like a bad habit.” Vinyl Scratch informed them.

“So if we don’t let them on the show, they’ll be no show.” Spike summed up their situation.

“Don’t worry, boys. I’d never do anything so horrible as take your show off the air. All I ask is that you let me and Silver Spoon be the special guest next week.” Diamond Tiara asked ever so sweetly.

“Fine, but why do you want to be on our show anyway?” Snips asked.

“Because you had those loser blank flanks on and everyone’s going to be talking about them next week. You guys have all sorts of famous ponies and you invite the Cutie Dork Crusaders before us. You should have asked us first.” Silver Spoon explained.

“I thought we were never to talk to you under any circumstance.” Snails reminded them.

“You still should have asked. Hmph! Come on, Silver Spoon. We should prepare for our interview. Ta ta, dweebs.” The duo laughed as they exited out the wide open door.

“At least, we got our show back for a little while.” Snails sighed.

“For like two seconds then Diamond Tiara swoops in and takes it away.” Snips said slumping on the table.

“No!” Spike shouted as he slammed his fist on the desk.

“What?” Snails looked up to see Spike looking angry.

“We can’t just give up, guys. This is our show. We can’t hang our heads when somebody takes it away from us.” Spike said taking a stand.

“What’s the point? As soon as we got our show back, it got taken away again. It’s hopeless.” Snips said in lifeless voice.

“It’s not hopeless, fellas. Guy Talk is more than just a radio show. It’s the only place we have left in this world where we can be who we are.”

“What are you talking about, Spike?” Snails asked.

“Think about it. Our lives are dominated by the opposite sex. The mayor, your teacher, my boss and even the leaders of our country are all female. We can’t be ourselves out there. In here, it’s different. We’re the ones in control. Three guys talking about what they think is important no matter what anyone else thinks. I took that for granted at first. I thought it was stupid, but I realize something today. Guy Talk isn’t about us. It’s about every guy out there who's in the exact same position, and I’ll be damned before I let a couple of spoiled rotten fillies try to push me around. If they want to be on our show, they’re going to play by our rules. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment, and I‘m not going to let a couple girls stroll in and change that! Now who‘s with me?” Spike shouted as he put a claw outward.

“Yeah, this is our show!” Snails put his hoof on top of Spike’s.

“We got to keep going, no matter what!” Snips said adding his hoof on top.

“For Guy Talk!” They all yelled as they threw their arms in the air.

“Guys, I hate to break up the moment, but it’s time to wrap things up.”

“Until next time, I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this episode. If you have a question or comments you want to ask Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, send them to our producer and she’d be happy to read them. Name calling and nasty remarks will be given preference.”

“Spike.” Scratch said in a chastising tone.

“I was just kidding…. Sort of. Anyway, this is Guy Talk signing off.”

Faceless Fears

The following episode was recorded and aired during the run of the hit radio show “Guy Talk”. The original airdate is unknown. All that is known that it was recorded on Nightmare Night and the featured guests were Zecora, a local alchemist, and Rum Chaser, a local bartender. The episode was sealed due the controversy of whether the actual events took place. That is until now. The following is the original transcript of the show and a summary of the events that happened from various eyewitness reports.

Guy Talk

Faceless Fears

Episode ?

Co-written by Blood Brandy@ Fanfiction.net

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment, along with our producer, Vinyl Scratch. It’s Nightmare Night and we have two very special guests who are going to tell us all about an ‘encounter’ with the legendary and extremely fictional, Slendermane. I’d like to welcome Zecora and Rum Chaser to the show.”

“It's great to be on your radio show, I listen quite often I’ll have you know.”

“‘Sup, little dudes, and not so little dudette, I’m glad to be here. Almost didn’t make it.”

“R-really? Did S-S-Slendermane come after you again?” Snails asked quivering in fear.

“Nah, my bar has half off drinks for mares in costume on Nightmare Night, and and a certain berry marked customer of mine takes that to mean she should drink twice as much.” Rum smiled, “Don't worry, she’ll be fine, it happens every year.”

“Come on, Snails. Don't tell me you’re scared of Slenderchump. He’s not so great. I bet I could take him.” Snips pounded his chest in a display of machismo.

“Slendermane is one that you shouldn’t face alone. Heed my warning and race to your home. Shut the door and hide under your bed, lest the evil known as Slendermane takes your head.”

“Rum Chaser, do you honestly expect me to believe that you actually saw Slendermane? I may believe in ghosts, humans, and other crazy stuff, but even I know Slendermane is made up.” Spike asked with clear skepticism in his voice. Rum chuckled at Spike’s disbelief.

“Really, Spike? And how can you be so sure? Even the strangest of legends have to come from somewhere, perhaps you'd like to hear my tale. Scratch, hit the lights, and listeners, if you have foals with you, you should change the channel, or they may spend weeks with screaming nightmares, MWAHAHAHAHA-hack,” the stallion thumped his chest, “Man, I have to work on my evil laugh. Zecora, would you?”

“Mwahahahahahaha!” Zecora laughed echoed evilly as the sound thunder crashing seem to appear in the soundproof booth. The lights immediately went dim as only the center of the room was illuminated. The faces of those sitting there at the table were the only ones who could be seen.

“H-hey, I actually remembered I have some homework to do! Maybe I’ll sit this one out, guys?” Snails said trying to leave.

“Homework, Snails? If you’re scared, just admit it. There’s no shame in admitting you’re a scared, little filly who wear pretty dresses.” Snips mocked.

“I’m not scared! I just have to do my homework is all.”

“You are right to be scared, little colt. No one would blame you if you chose to bolt.”

“I’d blame him.” Snips spoke up.

“Hehehe,” a dark chuckle echoed in the room, from Rum, “If you’re sure, little dude, but I hope you know what you're getting into, but be warned, once this begins, there’s no turning back,” again, lightning flashed and thunder sounded into the booth.

“I’ll stay.” Snails sighed.

“Then I think I should start without delay. The tale of Slendermane visiting Ponyville one fateful day.” The sound of thunder clapping accompanied her statement once again.

“Hey, give the sound effects a rest, Scratch. Go on, Zecora.”

Though I know you all will doubt,

Listen close and I'll tell you about,

The horrific time, now one year past,

And the Nightmare Night that was nearly my last.

“Okay, I have a question before you continue. If this is your story, why is Rum Chaser telling it? How do you two even know each other?” Spike asked.

“Because no matter what, she can’t resist a rhyme, even when she knows that it’s mine.” Rum grumbled, before clearing his throat, “And we know each other because we used to date a while back.”

“Did you just rhyme the first part of that sentence?” Snails asked. Rum chuckled to himself

“I guess I did. You should have seen us when we were dating, I rhymed almost as much as Zecora here does,” He looked fondly to his ex.

“I did not mean to steal your thunder, please forgive my minor blunder. I hear you’re dating someone new. Might I ask who?”

“Well, I'm not sure she’d appreciate me mentioning thing on air, but she’s a lovely pegasus with a blonde mane. We're doing pretty well and I get along with her daughter too.”

“Let’s stay on track here. So what happened next?” Spike asked.

My shift at my bar was over and done,

And I hoped to go party, and dress up for some fun,

When, to my ire, who should bumble in,

But my stumbling drunk Pegasus cousin,

“Interesting, you mentioned you owned a bar before. Were you drinking the night you saw Slendermane?” Spike inquired. Rum leveled a deadpan glare at the dragon.

“You’ll also notice I said I just finished working, and it’s a strict policy at the Stumbling Dragon that the only thing you drink while you work is soda or coffee. I take my job rather seriously, dragon dude.”

“I see.” Spike said.

“So,” Rum growled, fire in his eyes, “Can I get back to the story?”

“I’m sorry if I offended you, but I had to make sure you were sober for this supposed encounter with Slendermane. So your cousin stumbled in, what happened next?”

He looked ready to fall; he'd had way, way too much,

You could tell as he used a barstool as a crutch.

I knew I couldn't leave him; his wife would be pissed,

When she woke in the morning, and found something amiss,

So I hefted up that drunken, winged lout,

And, after saying good bye, we both set out,

But I was taking longer than he thought I should,

And, yelling about a shortcut, the foal dashed into the wood.

Now I was getting fed up, and had enough of him,

But blood is blood and kin is kin,

“Hold on a second! Your cousin was barely able to walk and now he’s dashing through the woods. This story just started and it’s already pretty fishy.” Spike said interrupting once again.

“Spike, how many drunks do YOU normally deal with? how well do you know the abilities of a drunk?” Rum questioned, getting on edge, “How many times have you had to deal with the fact that drunken unicorns go all wonky and either can’t lift crap with telekinesis, or routinely sent stuff straight into the ceiling? Or that you need strong wood for the bar because earth ponies are prone to forget their strength when they drink too much? Or, I don't know, that Pegusi have a tendency to try and hover when they can’t stand, and almost always end up in, what I call, the 'Drunken Dash', where they shoot forward and only stop when they hit something?" The barkeep took a calming breath, "Like I said, I take my job rather seriously, so I know a lot about certain creatures and how they drink, like you can’t give a Diamond Dog any Chocolate Liqueur, or that a Griffin’s tail tends to get a mind of it's own when they get sloshed," a mischievous smirk found it's way to his face, "Or that Zebras tend to get frisky after-mpH."Rum found Zecora’s hoof covering his mouth and a warning look on the zebra’s face.

“I know of you as much as you know me, so pick your next words carefully.” The stallion chuckled nervously.

“Sorry, but the point is, a pegasus who can’t stand can still dash, they just can’t stop until they hit something,” He glared at the dragon, pointing at his mark, a coconut drink complete with umbrella, “And I don't appreciate my knowledge of drinks or drunks getting questioned by somepony who’s probably never even had hard cider.”

“You’re right. I don’t know much about drinks and stuff, but I do know enough about the woods. I know there are roots, holes, bushes and small animals that even a sober pony would miss if he wasn’t careful. If you expect me to believe a stumbling ,drunk pegasus could move forward two feet let alone dash through such a environment, I think you’re full of it.”

“You two are both quite through! So here is what we are going to do! Spike will not interrupt until the tale is done. I also want no more bickering from anyone. You both shall act as grown folks should, now tell me that you’ve understood.” Zecora demanded.

“Fine,” Rum grumbled.

“Okay, I guess.” Spike muttered.

“Hey, tell me that trick for zebras after the show.” Snips whispered to Rum. Stealing a glance, Rum shook his head.

“Sorry, little dude, but I’ve seen what Zecora can do, and I kinda like not being in traction.” He shuddered a bit, “Besides, I doubt you would even be able to handle a zebra.”

“Aww, you’re no fun.” Snips said letting up.

“W-what happened next?” Snails asked.

So I went to get him, with no moon in sight,

Unaware of how my life would be changed on that night.

I followed his hoof beats and mad, drunken cries,

Thankful he knew he was too wasted to fly,

When soon, as the fog became almost too thick to pass

A sudden scream shattered the silence like glass.

Fearing the worst, I ran at full speed,

Dodging trees branches and trampling weeds,

In a clearing, I found that moron passed out on the ground,

When some strange feeling made me turn around,

Then what I saw made my heart start to race,

Dressed in a suit and tie which seemed most out of place,

He was taller than two ponies high, maybe three,

With a sharp, twisted horn of the darkest ebony,

And dripping with blood, and blacker than black,

Demon-like tendrils and wings on his back,

But that was not what made panic attack.

For the most frightening thing about him was the thing that he lacked,

No eyes, no mane, no nose, mouth or pelt,

But somehow, his evil, eyeless glare still could be felt

“It’s me, Snails! Slendermane! Woooo!” A voice spoke out as Snails felt a hoof on his shoulder..

“He’s gonna get me! Help!” Snails shouted as he scrambled out of his chair.

“You’re such a filly, dude! I totally got you.” Snips laughed.

“Muhahaha,” A deep, dark laughed echoed behind Snips. The colt jumped out of his chair and feel to the floor covering his head.

“Ahhh! It‘s Slendermane!” Snips cried out. The colt looked up to see Rum holding a cardboard tube.

“Hehe, got ya, little dude.” Rum laughed.

“You didn’t get me. I…uhh.. did it on purpose. Y-yeah, I was trying to scare everyone else.” Snips said as he set his chair back up and sat down.

“Yeah right! Who’s a little filly now?” Snails mocked.

“Sh-Shut up, Snails! Anyway, let’s get back to the story.”

As the mist thickened I could feel it on me,

Slowly driving me towards insanity,

So I did what I had to, grabbed my friend and I fled,

All to escape being thoroughly bled,

As I ran, he stood still and didn't make any moves,

But every time I looked back, he was right on my hooves.

Faster and faster, towards the city I dashed,

When one of the tendrils caught my neck with a lash,

Panting and blooded, weariness making me slow,

I focused my mind and my horn began to glow,

Out of my wallet, money shot through the air,

Twenty bits for my life seemed far more than fair.

“I know I said I wouldn’t interrupt but I have to comment on this part. A monster grabs you and your first instinct is to throw money at it. I've run from a few monsters and I never thought of throwing bits.” Spike commented.

“It does seem a bit strange. Your first instinct was to throw your change?” Zecora looked at him curiously.

“I didn’t want to slow down to pick something up, and I only had two things on me, at the time, my cousin and my wallet,” Rum deadpanned, “Would you rather I throw my cousin?”

“Nobody’s saying it was bad. It’s just weird that you would think your pocket change could stop Slendermane. So what happened next?” Spike asked.

Whether they hit, I didn't look to see,

For I was close to the city, I was almost home free,

The light was returning, the mist was retreating,

Pony's voices I heard over my hearts heavy beating.

I made it past the tree line before turning to see,

The tall, slender pony just gazing at me,

Somehow, without moving, he acknowledged I'd won,

And with a blink of my eyes, he was suddenly gone.

I dropped my cousin at his place, and went home to mine,

Ready to drink to away the memory of that horrible time,

But on that little journey, I didn't get far,

For the very next morning, on my way to the bar,

Guards and police were running around,

And crime tape sealed off the clearing I'd found.

For there was a horrific thing to see,

There was blood on the ground and guts in the trees,

From branches, severed heads hung by their manes,

With faces like they had been scared insane.

I tried to tell them of the previous night's tale,

But it seems because I smelled of whiskey and ale,

When my story was over, they turned and they scoffed,

They said I'd drank too much and should go sleep it off,

But I tell you the truth, that on the dark, moonless night,

When the clouds bring the mist, and block the star's light,

When an unexplained fear creeps into your soul,

And you shiver and quake like a scared little foal,

Pray to escape, fast as you can, run away,

For only death awaits you, if you should stay,

For he is still out there, carrying death and fear,

Rum flipped his mane to the other side of his neck, revealing a long, jagged scar along the base.

As sure as this scar throbs whenever he's near,

Don't go alone, for there is no shame,

In fearing the monster, the beast SLENDER-MANE!

“Bravo! The scar is a nice touch too.” Spike said clapping his claws slowly.

“I can’t believe you survived.” Snails said practically shivering.

“Come on, Snails. I don’t think this guy survived anything, unless an overactive imagination is a terminal disease then he might be in trouble. I bet he went home and got drunk then dreamed this whole thing up. He probably cut himself on some broken glass when he fell asleep.” Spike explained.

“Oh really, Spike?” The stallion chuckled darkly, “Well there is a little something I left out, mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to make it rhyme. You see, I saw it, Slendermane had a cutie mark, looked kinda like an X with a circle around the center crossing point.”

“And?” Spike asked. Rum smirked, pulling out a newspaper clipping from the Hawaiian shirt he was wearing.

“So take a look at this.”

“What is it?” Snips asked.

“It’s an article from about a year ago,” Rum explained, “So what do you see, Dragonling?”

Somehow, Spike's scales seemed pale, “Five confirmed dead...evidence of at least seven more, ugh,” He almost flinched at some of the descriptions, “Rum, this is sick, using these pony’s deaths for some ghost story!” Spike growled.

“I’m not using anything, look there,” He said, pointing at a tree in the background of a picture, pulling out a magnifying glass. Looking closer, Spike saw it. A large X on the tree with a circle in the center...in blood.

“Look,” Snails gasped, grabbing the magnifying glass and moving it to the corner of the picture, revealing a shadowed figure partially concealed by a tree, thunder echoed in the booth again.

Snips shook in his seat, "S-S-SLENDERMANE!"

“Hey, Scratch! Quit it with the lightning already!” Spike shouted.

“What are you talking about, Spike? I didn’t do that. I thought that was Zecora‘s magic.” Scratch responded confused.

“I know I can act with dramatic flair, but this time the blame lies elsewhere.”

“Wait a minute! Weren’t you making those sounds when you dimmed the lights?” Spike started to get a bad feeling about this.

“I didn’t dim the lights. I forgot to go before the show and went to the restroom. By the time I came back, the lights were already lowered and the story had already started.”

“Ung!” Rum grunted, flinching around his scar, “Crap, he's here!” His horn glowed, pulling a dagger from under his shirt, “Eyes open, dudes, and don't get separated.”

“Whoa, Rum, what are you doing!?” Spike yelled, seeing the blade.

“Is it truly as we fear? Is the demon really here?”

“Afraid so,” Rum growled as the lights flickered, “If you ponies out there can still hear us, beware the moonless mists, and if I don't live this time, I love you, Derpy!”

The sound of static grew as the sound of frantic hooves and panicked voices can be heard leaving the room. Soon, all that’s left is the white noise and silence. After a few seconds, the silence was broken by the sound of someone adjusting a microphone. A new voice took over as the static began to die down. It was deep and slow with a haunting quality.

“Oh no! It seems they left before I could meet them I person. I was so looking forward to seeing them too. I was really looking forward to sharing my work with them. I’m such a fan, you know. I listen every chance I get. It’s all I wanted.” The voice was creepily calm as the static started to flair up as if becoming angry. The voice let out a sigh that seem to calm the deafening white noise.

“You’ll pay for this Rum Chaser. You’ve denied me twice. I don’t like that. I don’t like you. I wonder if you’ll like it when I string a certain mare and her brat up with your own intestines. Don’t worry though. I’ll keep you alive long enough to see them hang from your entrails before I take you life.” The voice punctuated the statement with an eerie silence, even the static disappeared for a few seconds before roaring back.

“Hmm? It seems I should get going before you get too far. Before I go, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do.” The voice sounded almost giddy as he cleared his throat.

“I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. This is Guy Talk signing out. Sweet dreams, Equestria.”

Outside the Studio

Panicked hoof beats echoed down the hallway of the radio station as four unicorns, one carrying a small dragon, and a zebra made a mad dash for the exit. The whole station was eerily empty, more so than it should be, even as late as it was, but the distinct lack of bloodstains and bodies brought hope that they'd just left.

As they got close to the door, Rum heard something from a radio on the front desk.

“You’ll pay for this Rum Chaser. You’ve denied me twice. I don’t like that. I don’t like you. I wonder if you’ll like it when I string a certain mare and her brat up with your own intestines. Don’t worry though. I’ll keep you alive long enough to see them hang from your entrails before I take you life.”

As they made it out the door, Rum slowed to a stop.

“Rum, what are you doing?” Spike called back.

The red pelted stallion turned back to the door, “You guys get out of here.”

“What?” Snails yelled. “What about you?”

Rum was silent for a moment. “He threatened her, he just threatened Dinky and Derpy, and I’m not about to let that stand.” He looked back at the group, “I can’t let this go on, I can’t just let him roam free to hurt someone I care about.”

“But, if that really is Slender-mane, then he’s a monster, maybe as bad as Nightmare Moon,” Spike almost yelled in frustration, “you really think you can beat that thing?”

Zecora’s eyes narrowed, “It’s not that, little dragon kin, he doesn’t even plan to win.”

Rum’s expression hardened, “I don’t have to win, I just have to make sure he loses.,” The stallion suddenly hissed through his teeth, "He's coming," with a wave of his horn, he sent the others flying into the distant bushes to hide before facing the door. There was nothing yet, but he could feel it was close, the monster that had haunted his nightmares for the past year, that made him scared for the lives of those around him when night fell. He blinked, and there it was.

Rum stared down the inequine monster in front of him, Slender-mane's tendrils slowly waving, ready to strike.

The stand-off continued for a moment before Slender-mane's head cocked to the side inquisitively.

"It won't work," Rum growled, confusing the hidden spectators, "I know how you do what you do, your power drives fear into the heart and soul of your prey, stunning them, clouding their judgment or just driving them mad, but it won't work on me. There's no room in this heart for fear." The glow in his horn disappeared, but the dagger glowed brighter and grew, becoming a blade the length of Rum's body and was brightly glowing an earthy red.

"I am Rum Chaser, son of Bourbon Chaser and Tequila Sunrise, this blade was given to me by my granda', Whiskey Sour, and it was passed from his granda' and his granda' before that, this sword was used by my ancestors, proud Trottish warriors who fought demons like you in the ages of Discord. I stand here to fight for the same reason they did, to protect those I care for," Rum called out, and odd accent slipping in as the sword was held high, tip to the sky, "It is by my blood, and by this blade, I swear you'll not see another day, foul beast, even if this night is my last." A shot of light erupted from the blade, disappearing into the cloudy skies, thunder rumbling, before rum charged, bringing the telekinetically held blade down on Slender-mane.

Sparks showered the combatants as the surprisingly strong tentacles blocked the sword. They broke contact when a couple more tentacles attempted to spear the unicorn. As Rum opened some distance, Slender-mane's horn began to glow a seeping, bloody red, a similar glow trying, but failing, to take hold of the sword. Rum charged again, sword level as he tried to run the demon through, only to be parried again, this time catching a small cut on his right shoulder before he could leap away, getting a good feel of the tentacle's range.

The glow of the sword intensified as a number of pebbles around the unicorn lifted from the ground and shot forth, pelting Slender-mane at surprising speeds, a somewhat sharp one cutting his face. The tentacles slowed, one moving to the cut and pulling back with a deep red, near-black substance that oozed from the wound. After examining it for a moment, a strange sound emanated from the beast, like high, windy howl, before Slender-mane stretched his wings and took to the air, the aura of his horn growing darker before firing a beam of energy Rum barely managed to block with his sword, his hooves digging into the ground as he was pushed back a few inches before he rolled to the side, dodging another beam.

Slendermane hovered, firing beams forcing Rum to dodge or block, sometimes moving as the unicorn managed to swat a beam back at the demonic creature.

Rum smirked as he heard the sky rumble again, ‘There!’ He pointed the blade at Slender-mane as the sword glowed, and there was a flash. Pain shot through his body, be he still grinned as he heard the monstrous scream peel through the area, followed by a thump.

Shuddering as he felt the last bits of lightning arc in his body, Rum blinked the spots from his eyes and looked to where the thump had sounded. He had called the lightning, but he hadn't caught the brunt of the bolt. Shakily, Slender-mane stood, with cracked, burned flesh and black ooze covering his body, and a smoking stump in place of his right wing.

Despite his lack of a face, Rum could feel the rage pouring off of the monster, for an instant, just an instant, Rum felt something forced into his mind, a vision of a pegasus mare and unicorn filly in pain, bloodied and tortured. The image lasted only for an instant, but that was all the time the monster needed. Tentacles lashed out, one wrapping around his neck, while another two wrapped around his right hind leg and left foreleg and began to pull.

Rum struggled to breathe, the tentacle around his neck squeezed tighter and tighter, he could feel his shoulder and flank joints get close to popping out. He tried to bring the sword down on the beast, only for it to be caught by the remaining tentacle.

On the sidelines, the others watched, frozen in fear, as the life was slowly choked out of their fellow pony. The youngsters tried to tear their eyes away, but couldn't help but watch.

"It's over," Snails quivered, "He'll come after us next."

"Vinyl Scratch, this is your opportunity, quickly, take the little ones and flee."

"What?" The DJ whispered frantically, echoed by Spike.

"What about you, Zecora?' The dragon asked.

"I have something I must do, and I'll make sure he won't chase you."

"Are you insane? That thing just took a huge lightning bolt and still caught Rum."

"I have not gone around the bend, what if that were your unicorn friend?" Zecora snapped, "I will try and help take this beast down, while you go and try to get help from town." The zebra ran off before anything more could be said, as Scratch scooped up the dragon and ran.

Rum struggled. He could feel the fear trying to work in as the edges of his vision began to darken, his limbs almost ready to pop out, when he caught the barest glimpse of something hitting the side of Slender-mane with a flash and a bang, giving Rum the chance to wrench himself and his sword free and get out of Slender-manes reach before looking to his savior, who had ditched her costume.

"I did not expect such an encounter this night, but I believe what I have will make due in this fight."

"I told you to get out of here," Rum growled, catching his breath, but not taking his eyes off Slender-mane, who seemed to be in pain as the small explosion tore off some burnt flesh.

"Stubborn as a mule," Rum grunted, clearing his throat, "Fine, stay away from those tentacles and don't let the fear get to you," leveling his blade in a battle stance, he added, "but if things get too bad, you'd better get your flank the heck out of here, understand?"

"Order all you want, but I will tell you this, from me, you will get no such promise. This is not something I do for fun, and against such a beast, it does me no good to run." Zecora pulled a small bottle out of her saddle-basket, "I fight here for the same reason you said, so someone I care for does not end up dead."

A new howl echoed from Slender-mane, angrier than before, as an image projected into Zecora's mind, a filly, beaten and hung by her own ribbon bow and-

*CLANG*

A loud noise shook the zebra from the vision, Rum's sword had blocked a tentacle mere inches from her face.

"Focus, Zecora," Rum grunted, forcing the sharpened appendage back.

"I apologize, my friend, it shall not happen again," Zecora hurled a bottle, which was broken in mid-air but one of Slender-mane's tentacles, causing another, slightly larger, bang with some fire, burning the tentacle. "You try and threaten with visions of doom, but I will not let you harm Apple Bloom!"

Elsewhere, lost in the fog, Spike looked back from atop Vinyl Scratch. He couldn't shake the feeling of guilt, he barely knew Rum, heck, to be honest he didn't know Zecora all that well either, and he had been kinda a jerk during their story, but both of them where fighting and probably giving their lives so he and the others could escape.

He thought about what Zecora said, what if it had been Twilight fighting, or Rarity? He'd stayed safe in the library when Nightmare Moon attacked, he pretty much completely froze up when Discord came to town, he didn't even really fight back when the Changelings crashed Shining Armor's wedding.

Then a thought came to mind that made Spike's blood run cold and he jumped off of Vinyl Scratch.

"Spike, what're you doing?" The unicorn asked, trying to pick him back up.

"I have to go help them." He tried to run off, only to be held in mid-air, "Scratch, put me down."

"Spike, are you nuts?" Snails cried.

"Yeah," Snips added, "didn't we just try to get Zecora to not fight that thing?"

"Spike, we have to get out of here-"

"What about Octavia?" Spike yelled, cutting Scratch off and causing her to drop him, "What about Rarity, or Twilight or Apple Bloom or any of the others? Rum ran away once, and Slender-mane was willing to go after Derpy and Dinky to get at him, and now we're running, so what's to stop that thing from going after everypony we care about to get to us? Rum did some damage, so maybe we have a chance to," Spike struggled with what to say, before snapping in frustration, "I don't know, but right now anything is better than running and risking our friends. I'm a dragon, damnit, and I won't let that thing take my treasured friends!" The little dragon ran back towards the station, leaving his friends stunned in his wake.

Spike hauled tail, running back to the fight, all the while one thought repeating in his head.

“What the hay am I thinking!?”

Finally, he was back at the bushes he had been hiding in earlier, and the fighters looked worse for the wear. Zecora just blocked a tentacle strike with her metal bracelets, which broke, apparently from repeated hits, her Mohawk was flattened and she looked very tired with a few cuts along her side. Rum looked worse; he had cuts and gashes leaking blood, soaking his shirt red, and his sword was shaking slightly as he blocked another attack.

Slender-mane still stood tall, which was a surprise given the fact that he was missing large chunks of flesh, and now was missing both wings as well as a tentacle, leaking his oozing black blood.

“What do I do? What do I do? What was I thinking?” Spike thought frantically, “Yeah, I’m a dragon, a BABY dragon! I’m not big enough to smash him, he’ll kill me before I can get close enough to do anything, and my fire can’t reach, I can’t send my fire far enough to,” an idea hit, “Fire sending,” he quickly looked around him, before smirking, “Bingo!”

*CLANG*

Rum blocked another tentacle, swaying a bit, he was seriously running out of steam and was getting a bit dizzy from blood loss, but he kept his eyes on the monster.

"Even injured, he does not slow, and I'm running out of potions to throw," Zecora panted, "If you lose more blood, you start to swoon, we need to end this fight, and soon."

"I know, we need to get close for a finishing blow, but we can't get close enough without getting minced. We need something to slow him down or something."

Just above Slender-mane, there was a flash of green fire, dropping a very large, very heavy log on top of the beast, trapping its body and two of its remaining tentacles beneath its weight.

"That'll work," Rum grunted, dashing in. The remaining tentacle attacked, but was blown back by one of Zecoras last exploding potions as the stallion took the chance to cut it off close to the base, bringing a howl from the beast as Rum noticed something. He could see the stars. Not only could he see the stars through the fading mist, but he could see the eastern skies turning orange and red, but most importantly, he could see how frantically Slender-mane was trying to squirm out from under the log, one of his trapped tentacles working free and nearly taking Rum's head off before a thrown potion blew it off at the base. The demonic pony's horn began to glow, but stopped when a hard swing from Rum's sword took it off with a shower of blackish-red sparks. The separated horn flew through the air in a high arc, sizzling and burning away as the first rays of the sun peeked over the horizon and hit it.

The Unicorn stoically stared down at the struggling monster, before raising his sword high and stabbing it into Slender-mane's head, right through the middle of his horn stump. The demonic pony's struggling ceased, aside from a couple of twitches, as the light fully came over the distant hills and hit the pale, black-blooded remains, causing it to sizzle and burn away into a quickly dissipating black smoke under Celestia's power.

Hearing the approaching rustle in the grass, Rum, dizzy from blood-loss, found Spike beside him.

"Good job, little dragon dude," the unicorn watched the disintegrating body under the slowly burning log, "Can you move the log again? We should probably make sure the body is destroyed, too."

"I think so," Spike answered. It had taken a lot out of him to send the log the first time, but he managed to send the log a few meters away, revealing the broken, twitching body underneath. Rum pulled his sword out of the head, which actually just ripped the head from the degenerating neck as it stayed impaled on the blade, and stabbed it into the body where a normal pony's heart would be, and through into the ground. The growing dawn light burned away at the remains as the trio watched.

“Is it… Is it over?” Spike asked.

Rum silently watched the body, or about the half that remained, as Zecora answered, "With us alive, and now dawn has come, I think it's safe to say we won."

As the last of the body was burning away, the silence was broken by a distant voice.

"SPIKE!"

A large group of ponies were quickly approaching across the grass, lead by-

"Twilight?" Was all Spike was able to say before he was tightly hugged by the worried unicorn.

"Oh, we were so worried, Spike, we've been trying to get here since the broadcast was cut off, but the mist kept stopping us and I couldn't even teleport us here."

"Is that Slender-mane?" Rainbow dash asked when she saw what was left of the disintegrating remains, with Fluttershy hiding behind her.

"What's left of it," Rum said gruffly, before something finally drew his attention from the smoldering pile.

"Rum," the soft voice made him turn so quickly that he almost passed out from dizziness. Teary eyed was his girlfriend and her daughter, who dashed to him and wrapped his foreleg in a hug, ignoring the blood getting into her pelt as she cried. Derpy stepped up and nuzzled him, ignoring the blood as well. After a moment, she pulled back. The serious look in the one eye pointed at him was accented by the bit of blood staining her muzzle.

"Babe," Rum cut her off before she could say anything, "I know you probably have a lot to chew me out over, about doing something so dangerous and almost dying and stuff, but I just spent the night fighting an inequine monster that threatened the two most important girls in my life. I'm tired, no, I'm exhausted, sore, and I'm seriously close to passing out from both that and blood loss, right now I just want two things; The second is to get to the hospital soon, very soon, but the first is to ask this," Taking her hoof in the one that didn't currently have a unicorn filly attached, he looked her in the eye, "Derpy Ditzymania Hooves, will you marry me."

There was silence among the ponies; Derpy was so surprised that both her eyes seemed to focus as one for a moment before-

*THUMP*

*THUMP*

Both she and Rum passed out.

Zecora chuckled, walking over and pouring something down Rum's throat, which seemed to slow a lot of his bleeding, "Well, with that bright start to this new day, we should all be on our way, and get Rum to the good nurse Red Heart, so his much needed healing can start."

Diamonds are a girl's best friend?

Guy Talk

Diamonds are

Episode 7

“I’m-”

“Everyone knows your loser names already. Introduce me.” The pink filly demanded as she interrupted Snips.

“Today on Guy Talk we have two very…. special guests. I’d like to introduce Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara.” Spike said with an annoyed tone.

“Hey! You were supposed to introduce me first.” Diamond Tiara complained.

“Anyway, I’m Spike! He’s Snips.”

“Hey.”

“That’s Snails.”

“Yo.”

“This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment, and our producer, Vinyl Scratch, is very angry at me. Apparently, I asked you guys to write some less than kind things about our guests and you did not disappoint.” Vinyl Scratch sighed.

“I’ve read a lot of mail for this show and never have I gotten a pile of letters this negative before. I mean there wasn’t one nice letter in the entire bag. I usually just have to check a few letters for a good response. I went through hundreds of letters and not a one of them had a positive thing to say.”

“It couldn’t have been that bad. Diamond Tiara can be difficult, but somepony else must have written something nice.” Silver Spoon said coming to the defense of her friend.

“I’m sorry, kid. I got absolutely nothing. The closest thing I got are some kindly worded requests to do some very unpleasant things.”

“What were the letters you did get like?” Snips asked.

“Pretty mean. I got one that started ‘Dear Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,’ then its just five pages of obscenities strung together without any rhyme or reason. They actually run out of halfway through the first page and start making some up. I got to give the guy credit though. Some of them are pretty clever.”

“Hmph! Can we get on with this? We’re supposed to be talking about me!”

“We’re talking about how much people hate you. Maybe if you listened you might learn something about yourself.” Spike suggested.

“I don’t care what they think. They’re obviously just jealous of my beauty and upbringing.”

“Is she serious?” Spike asked his friends.

“Pretty much.” Snails sighed.

“Yep.” Snips admitted.

“You idiots just don’t understand her. Diamond Tiara is the most wonderful filly in Ponyville, if not all of Equestria.” Silver Spoon said standing up for her friend once again. The three boys looked at each other before bursting into a fit of laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Diamond Tiara asked pounding her hooves into the table.

“And they call me funny!” Spike said with tears in his eyes.

“Whew! That’s a good one, Silver Spoon.” Snails said holding his gut.

“You really had me going there. I almost thought you meant that.” Snips said about to fall out of his own chair.

“I did mean it!” Silver Spoon shouted.

“Ok, Silver Spoon. It was funny the first time but you don’t want to milk it. Let’s get to the questions before I die laughing.” Spike sighed.

“Hit it, guys!” Vinyl Scratch asked.

“Three.” Snips started.

“Two.” Snails followed.

“One. It‘s question time with Scratch!” They shouted together.

“Aww, look at that Silver Spoon! They can count to three.”

“That must be some kind of record for them, Diamond Tiara.” The two fillies snickered.

“Hey, I’m the only one who makes fun of the countdown. Sit down, shut up, and don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.” Spike told them.

“You can’t tell us what to do.” Diamond Tiara said standing her ground.

“If you don’t like it, you can leave.” Spike said pointing a thumb at the door.

“We’re not some dumb blank flanks. You’re going to have to do way better than that to get rid of us.” Silver Spoon said with a smug smile plastered across her face.

“And don’t forget that I could make this little show of yours disappear with one word to daddy.” Diamond Tiara said pulling her trump card. Spike was about to respond when Snails spoke up.

“Don’t worry about it, Spike. It was a lame joke anyway.”

“Yeah, let’s just keep going. How about that first question, Vinyl Scratch?” Snips signaling for a change of topic.

“Okay, our first question came from a lot of ponies out there. I’m just going to ask it without all the curse words they used though. Why are you so mean?”

“What‘s wrong with being mean?” Diamond Tiara retorted.

“You’re kidding, right? You forced your way into our studio and demanded that we let you on as our guest or you would take us off the air. I think that‘s plenty wrong.” The dragon stated with more than fair amount of disbelief.

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders did the same thing.” Silver Spoon retorted.

“No, they didn’t. We invited them.” Snails agued back.

“Only because they were going to beat you up.” Silver Spoon responded.

“Okay, I think we’re getting off topic. The point is there were nicer ways you could have gone about it.” Spike said.

“Really? If I had just walked up to you and asked nicely, would you have let us on the show?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“No way!” Snails said.

“Exactly! I just did what was necessary to get what I want. If I had been nice about it, you would have just said no.”

“The only reason we’d say no is because you’re always mean to us. Why would we ever let you on the show?” The diminutive colt shot back.

“All you do is make fun of us. Why should we act all nice just because you ask for something?”

“Let me put this terms even you idiots can understand. Being mean is the only way to get what you want. I‘m on your show because I wasn‘t nice about it. I didn‘t have to wait, beg, or say please. I saw something I wanted and took it because that’s the way the world works. That‘s the only way to get what you want.” The pink filly explained.

“Aren’t you worried about driving people away? I don’t think you’d make too many friends with that kind of attitude.” Spike asked. Diamond Tiara scoffed at his question.

“Who cares about friends? If I want something, I don’t let anything get in my way and I always get my way.”

“What about when Silver Spoon wants to do something else?” Snails asked.

“We always do what Diamond Tiara want.” Silver Spoon said seemingly proud of that fact.

“Come on! You can’t always want to do what Diamond Tiara wants.” Snips said looking at her incredulously.

“Yeah, you’re a completely different pony with your own thoughts and ideas. It’s not possible that you would agree with Diamond Tiara on everything. There’s got to be something you disagree on.” Spike pointed out. Silver Spoon looked like she was pensive for a moment before responding.

“Well, I guess maybe there are times I disagree, but as long as I get to hang out with Diamond Tiara, it doesn’t matter what we do.” Silver Spoon said nervously playing with her ponytail. Spike looked to his friends who were also starting to see why Silver Spoon put up with Diamond Tiara.

“Could I ask what you like about Diamond Tiara?” Spike’s question made Silver Spoon light up with joy.

“What’s not to like? She smart, confident, beautiful, and intelligent. She’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind either and her fashion sense is-”

“Okay, I get it.” Spike said putting an end to her gushing.

“That’s why Silver Spoon is such a great friend. She really gets me.”

“We so get each other. Hugs, bestie?” The filly said holding her arms out.

“Of course, bestie.” Diamond Tiara said embracing her friend.

“Mmmmm.” Silver Spoon said enjoying the hug a little more than a platonic friend should. Diamond Tiara actually had to pry herself away from her friends grasp.

“Okay, Silver Spoon. That’s enough hugs for now. You‘re so weird sometimes.” The filly said finally managing to pull herself away.

“Sorry.” Silver Spoon said looking down with red cheeks. Spike, Snips, and Snails were all starting to understand the dynamic behind their relationship.

“Huddle!” Spike called out. Snips and Snails immediately gathered around the dragon forming a circle of secrecy.

“Did you guys know about this?” Spike asked his friend.

“I had no idea.” Snips admitted.

“They’re usually so busy being mean we just try and ignore them.”

“Well, what do we do now? I don’t think Diamond Tiara has a clue. She’s so wrapped up in herself she can’t see what’s going on.” Spike asked.

“We could tell her.” Snails suggested.

“I don’t know. That could really make thing awkward between them. They might even stop being friends.” Spike pondered aloud. Snips and Snails looked at each other with devious smiles.

“Good idea!” Snips said happily.

“Let‘s do that!” Snails nodded.

“Hold on a second! We can‘t just break them up. If we did that, we‘d be no better than Diamond Tiara. That‘s exactly the kind of thing she‘d do.”

“Aww, I don’t want to take the high road!” Snips whined.

“Yeah, low road for the win.”

“No, we’re better than that.” Spike said holding his head up high.

“If you dorks are done sharing a brain, I’d like to get back to what’s really important, me.” Diamond Tiara shouted.

“Low road! Low road! Low road!” Snips and Snails chanted. Spike was tempted to indulge them but stood firm,

“No! I don’t like it either, but we’re not stooping to her level and I don‘t want a word out of you two about this.” Spike said. The two of them reluctantly mumbled their agreement.

“Alright! Let’s finish this thing.” Spike said as they turned their attention back to their annoying guests.

“It’s about time! What were you talking about anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked angrily.

“Nothing! Let’s get to the next question.” Spike said looking to Vinyl Scratch.

“Hey, I just got some curse word free questions in. This one’s from Tootsie Flute. Hey, Tiara… Is it true that you still have Featherweight zip around taking pictures to look at when you’re all alone? P.S. Stay away from Truffle, or I will end you. Love, Tootsie Flute!”

“I cut all ties with the Foal Free Press and its new editor after my unfair and blatantly biased dismissal.” Diamond Tiara stated.

“There was nothing unfair about it. You were invading people’s privacy and reporting it as news, not to mention twisting my words around.” Spike complained.

“I didn’t see anyone complaining at first. As a matter of fact, my run as editor took the Foal Free Press from obscurity to the most popular paper in town. We were bigger than the town’s actual paper. As for Truffle Shuffle, I don’t like my guys covered in crumbs and constantly eating so he’s all yours.”

“So you like guys?” Snips asked.

“Ew! Don’t get your hopes up, dork!” The colt suddenly got a wicked idea on how to reveal Silver Spoon’s crush.

“I only asked because… Spike has a huge crush on you!” Snips shouted.

“What!” Spike and Silver Spoon both shouted in disbelief.

“Well, I suppose you’re not too bad. He’s definitely cuter than the colts in this town, but that’s not really saying much. I guess you could be my boyfriend but I’m going to have to lay down a few ground rules first.”

“Hold on-”

“First rule! Don’t interrupt me. When I’m talking, you should always be quiet. My next rule concerns your look. If we‘re going to be seen together, you‘re going to have to do something about you look. You represent me now. If you look bad, I look bad and I never look bad. Last but not least, you are to be five minutes early for every date and bring me a gift every time. F.Y.I, I don‘t accept cheap knockoffs or arts and craft, got it?” Spike looked at her wondering if she was actually serious. Even if he did have a crush on her which he most certainly did not, he would have never entered into such a stifling relationship.

“Tell me you’re kidding, Diamond Tiara! Spike’s nowhere near good enough for someone like you.” Silver Spoon protested.

“Of course, he isn’t, but I’m willing to teach and mold him until he is. Plus it would really get under Apple Bloom‘s fur if I took her crush away” Diamond Tiara said. Spike decided to clear things up before things got too out of hand. Meanwhile Spike was giving Snips a frustrated look.

“Just go with me on this one.” Snips whispered to him. Spike was furious at his friend, but he was curious to see what his friend was trying to do. Spike sighed and nodded his consent, but what Snips did next made him wished he hadn’t.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara! I think he wants to kiss you on air. Isn’t that right, Spike?” Spike looked at his friend with anger and confusion.

“What?!”

“The new couple should always kiss as soon as possible for…uhhh…. Luck! Yep, it’s super lucky.” Snips said interrupting him again.

“I suppose, but no tongue and your breath better not stink.” Silver Spoon was practically coming apart as she tugged on her single braid and her left eye started to twitch uncontrollably.

“As your best friend, I really don’t think you should this.” The filly’s voice was shaky as her braid became undone. She looked like a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Diamond Tiara didn’t seem to notice this at all.

“I think it’s the perfect way to let everyone know who my new boyfriend is.” Diamond Tiara said sitting up in her chair and leaning over the table. Her blue eyes focused on a hesitant Spike. As she met him halfway, Spike wanted to go back to when he had the opportunity to set the opportunity straight. He wished he never trusted Snips, but it was too late to go back. At the very least, he was kissing a very pretty filly, even if she was spoiled rotten. He let that thought carry him as he stood up and leaned in.

As the distance between Spike and Diamond Tiara grew smaller and smaller, Silver Spoon grew more frantic and more frantic. Her breathing became shallow as she watched Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and puckered up to receive Spike’s kiss. She couldn’t let anyone take Diamond Tiara away.

“I love you!” Silver Spoon shouted as she hopped on the table and planted a big wet on her target.

“S-Silver Spoon! What are you doing?” Diamond Tiara shouted as her friend made out with her new boyfriend. Spike, whose eyes were closed, realized upon hearing Diamond Tiara’s voice that the soft lips he were kissing belong to someone else. He opened his eyes and found Silver Spoon was at the end of his lips. Spike pulled back in shock at this turn of events. He wasn’t alone as Snips and Snails were also surprised.

“Explain yourself!” Diamond Tiara demanded completely red with anger.

“I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara. I should have told you before. I have a crush on Spike.” Silver Spoon said taking her seat.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” The filly asked. Silver Spoon looked down unable to answer. Diamond Tiara sighed as she noticed her friend’s sullen expression. The filly turned to Spike and sighed again.

“Spike, I want to break up. I know this is sudden, but I don‘t think it‘s going to work out between us. You did kiss my best friend right in front of me.” Diamond Tiara told him.

“Uhmm… okay.” Spike said accepting the separation. There was plenty to argue, but it’s not like he wanted the relationship in the first place.

“Come on, Silver Spoon. You owe me an ice cream cone for kissing my boyfriend.” Diamond Tiara said smiling at her friend as she got up to leave.

Silver Spoon happily joined her cohort as they walked out of the studio.

“Later, lame-os!” They said in perfect sync as they slammed the door behind them. Spike turned to Snips with a look of absolute rage. The colt chuckled nervously.

“Well… uhhh…. That didn’t go exactly as planned.” Snips said shrugging his shoulder. Spike started to crack his knuckles.

“Enlighten me?” Spike said with a smile that spoke of ill intent.

“I figured if I managed to make Silver Spoon jealous enough that she’d reveal her feelings.” Snips admitted.

“So you threw me to Diamond Tiara, but Silver Spoon outsmarted you. Pretty interesting idea. Too bad, it didn’t work?”

“Hey, you got kissed by a cute girl. I also saved the show. You should be thanking me!”

“Then allow me to share my heartfelt thanks with you!” Spike said punching him in the shoulder.

“Ow!”

“At least she’s gone, we can all be grateful for that.” Snails said. The three of them nodded in relief at the fact.

“Tell me about it! I’ve been around for over a thousand years, and I can honestly say that I’ve never met a pair of fillies as nasty as those two.”

“A thousand years? I think this caller had a little too much to drink. Who is this guy, Scratch?” Snails joked.

“I didn’t patch anyone through. I think that voice is coming from inside the studio.”

“Are you pulling our leg, Scratch? We‘re the only ones in the studio.” Spike said looking at the mare skeptically.

“I can assure you, dear boy, I am no joke. Though I do have a bit of reputation as a prankster.” The voice chuckled. Spike was starting to remember the voice a bit. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t his claw on who it belonged to.

“Who are you? What do you want?” Spike asked the disembodied voice.

“You wound me, Spike. How could you forget me? The prince of preposterous! The lord of the outlandish! The king of all things nonsensical! Am I ringing any bells for you?”

“Oooh! Ooh! I know who you are. Big Mac! No, you’re way too chatty.” Snails said taking his guess back.

“It’s obviously, Mr. Greenhooves, but why is the guy who waters Fluttershy’s flowers calling us?” Snips wondered aloud. Suddenly, it hit Spike where that voice came from.

“Oh no, it’s Discord!”

“Ding! Ding! That’s absolutely right! Now it‘s time for our lucky contestant to pick his prize.” The lights in the room started to blink multiple colors as celebratory music played in the background. Confetti and streamers spewed forth from seemingly nowhere covering the dragon. Everything went dark for a few seconds before the lights came on revealing two doors on the wall across from them, each marked with a number.

“Alright, Spike. Waiting behind both of these doors is a fabulous prize with your name on it! All you have to do is pick one? What‘s it going to be?”

“Pick door number one, Spike!” Snips cheered.

“No way! I got a good feeling about door number two!” Snails shouted.

“We’re not picking either. We have to go get Twilight and the other elements.”

“Spike, I can’t get the doors open! He’s turned all the doorknobs to honey.” Vinyl Scratch said trying to shake viscous fluid from her hooves.

“Looks like you’re in one sticky situation, Spike! Maybe picking a door might help. Care to choose?”

“No, I’m not playing your sick game.” Spike shouted back to the voice.

“Come on, Spike. We might as well try. It’s not like were going anywhere. Pick door number one!” Snips suggested.

“What about my feeling? I say we go with number two.”

“What are you a girl? Only girls have feelings. Be a guy, Spike. Pick door number one!” Snips argued.

“He’s seriously whacked out of his mind! There’s not telling what kind of dangerous stuff could be behind those doors.”

“Such distrust! How about I promise that no harm will come to you or your friends?” Discord offered.

“I don’t know.” Spike said still skeptical. He knew there was a catch to this and it was waiting behind one or both of these doors.

“Come on, Spike. Door number one!” Snips said excited.

“Number two all the way!” Snails shouted.

“Alright, I’ll do it! Just let me think for a moment.” Spike said finally relenting to the pressure of peers and his own curiosity. The lights began to dim and each door was bathe in a spotlight.

“It’s the moment of truth, Spike! Which door is it going to be?”

“I guess I’ll go with number two.” Spike answered hesitantly. Snips groaned in disappointment as Snails celebrated.

“Excellent choice, my boy! Now let’s take a look at your other options.”

“Options? There were other doors!” Spike said confused.

“Of course! You could have picked the studio door or the door to the recording booth which would have led to your freedom.” Discord explained.

“What? You said I had to pick door number one or door number two.” Discord merely laughed at the look of complete dismay on Spike’s face.

“No, I didn’t. I merely introduced the prize doors and told you to pick one. I never said you had to specifically choose one of them.”

“But I wanted to go outside. You turned the doorknobs to honey.” Spike argued.

“It was all part of the game, but I recall a certain dragon refusing to play along at the time.” Spike realized that he was responsible for their current predicament. He was so busy trying to escape he didn’t think about what Discord was saying.

“Hey, what was behind door number one?” Snips asked.

“Good question! Let’s take a look.” The door opened to reveal a luxurious, marble bathhouse filled with beautiful mares playing in a shimmering pool and splashing each other.

“Looks like that was the harem room where each pony has a cutie mark relating to a different sexual pleasure.” The trio stared at the luscious ladies who giggled as they noticed their leering eyes. One unicorn who caught Snips eye conjured a piece of string which she carefully placed on her tongue and held in her mouth for a few seconds. She playfully winked at the colt and stuck out her tongue. The string was now tied to spell out the word “hi” on her tongue.

“I think I’m in love.” Snips said holding his hooves over his heart.

“Hopefully, you love the prize you chose just as much because it’s time to take a look at door number two.” Snips watched in horror as door number one poofed out of existence along with his beloved.

“She was perfect.” He whimpered to himself as he stretched out a hoof in vain. As he did, door number two opened revealing the draconequus himself.

“It looks like your prize is a personal interview with me. How lucky of you to have chosen the right door.” He said stepping into the studio.

“Is that what you want?” Spike asked.

“I absolutely adore your show. Pointless bickering and mindless arguments that go absolutely nowhere. It’s right up my alley.”

“Why would you want to be on our show? I thought you’d be busy trying to takeover Equestria.” Spike wondered.

“Sorry, but that’s asking. The show is over you’ll have to wait till the next episode to ask me any further questions. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened. This is Guy Talk signing off.”

“Hey, that’s my line! Seriously, I‘m getting a trademark next time.”

A/N; If you have a question for Discord send it to me and it'll appear on the show. I also should explain why this episode is late. I've started working full time at my new job which means less time to work on my stories. Hopefully, I'll adjust and get back to pushing these things out at a quicker pace but until then bear with me.

Yug Klat

Yug Klat

“I’m Snails.”

“I’m Snips.”

“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here with our producer, the sexy and vivacious, Vinyl Scratch.”

“Be careful, Spike. Flattery will get you everywhere.” Vinyl Scratch said as she winked in his direction.

“We’re also here with our oddest guest yet, Discord.” Spike announced.

“It’s really a pleasure to be here, Spike. I’ve been listening to your show for quite some time.”

“How could you listen to our show if you were trapped in stone?” Snails pondered aloud.

“It’s really quite an interesting tale. I actually owe my escape to your show. You see the gardener who tends to Celestia’s garden carries a radio on him while he works. After he feeds the animals, he tunes in to your show and takes a break near my statue. It was actually the chaotic energy generated from listening to your antics which allowed to me to escape.”

“So why aren’t you making everything crazy like you did last time?” Spike asked.

“Why should I waste my magic trying to enrich your boring, mundane lives? All I try to do is make the world a more fascinating place and I am unfairly branded as a villain for my contributions to society. If Equestria wants to live bland, simple lives devoid of any excitement, I won’t stop them.” Discord said holding his head up high.

“You can’t possibly think you were doing anyone a service with all the chaos you caused?” Spike remembered how Discord’s so called contributions nearly destroyed Twilight’s friendship. Discord suddenly took on a serious expression which seemed out of place for him.

“One day the ponies of Ponyville will realize that all Princess Celestia’s talk of harmony and friendship was nothing more than a distraction to keep them from realizing how banal and dull their lives are really are. A lie concocted by a leader who needed to keep her subjects in check by making them believe their boring little lives actually lead up to something. They’ll realize what’s going on as they’re drowning in a sea of repetitive routines and meaningless moments and look up with eyes devoid of any happiness or joy and shout ’Save us, Discord’… and I’ll look down and whisper……. ‘No’.”

The studio was completely silent for a moment as everyone looked at the draconequus with mixed emotions. It seemed like an eternity passed before Spike broke the silence.

“Okay, you’re certifiably and unequivocally the craziest person I have ever met. Who would be stupid enough to fall for such a load of-”

“He’s right! My life is pretty boring, especially when I’m in school.” Snips said.

“What if he’s right, Snips? We could become….. Boring!” Snails said panicking.

“Guys, your lives aren’t boring. We get into crazy situations every week on this show.” Spike told them.

“Don’t listen to him, boys. He works for Celestia. He’s too far gone, but I can save you.”

“Really? Do it! Save us!” Snips said excitedly.

“Please you have to save us!” Snails pleaded.

“Oh, Since you asked so nicely.” Discord snapped his fingers and the duo turned completely gray.

“What’d you do?” Spike said knowing the symptoms of his magic all to well.

“I merely freed them from themselves. Isn’t that right, boys?”

“Yes and not a moment too soon. I just realized this show for what it truly is.” Snips said speaking in a pretentious tone.

“You mean an puerile attempt to stroke the already waning egos of the male population with crude sexual humor and base objectification of the opposite gender.” Snails said using words he probably didn’t know the meaning of a second ago.

“Well put, Snails! Certainly the smartest thing ever said on this show!” Snips laughed.

“Not exactly hard considering what passes for content!” Snails quipped.

“Hey, you guys loved this show. Remember?” Spike said trying to get them to remember who they were.

“Oooh, it’s about to get good!” Discord said watching with gleeful excitement.

“I believe turnabout is fair play, Spike. Wouldn’t you agree, Snails?”

“Long has our friend held his superior intelligence over us, but I believe with Discord’s magic the tables have essentially been turned in our favor.”

“W-What are you guys talking about?” Spike asked.

“Oh, would you look at that? He doesn’t understand, Snails.”

“Shall I spell it out for our simple friend. Snips?”

“By all means, do enlighten our friend. Be sure to speak slowly though. We can’t have him getting confused.”

“We’re smarter than you which makes you the dumb one.” Snails explained slowly.

“I may have gotten frustrated with you guys, but I never made you guys feel bad about your intelligence. You’re acting like jerks.” Spike told them.

“Becoming defensive when faced with the truth. I daresay we should add immature to the list of Spike’s numerous deficiencies.” Snips responded.

“Spike has a point, guys. He never would’ve put you guys down like this.” Vinyl Scratch interjected.

“Ah yes, Vinyl Scratch! The one responsible for this debacle. I think my colleague will agree with me when I say you personify the very image of immaturity.” Snails said turning their attention towards her.

“Partying all night, encouraging these childish antics, and your choice in relationships. All indications of someone who coasts through life without any real forethought or planning.” Snips added.

“That’s not true! I mean I don’t really plan ahead, but it’s not like I’m coasting.”

“Really? Tell me what your plans are for you current relationship. Surely, you must have some idea whether or not you want to be with Octavia by now.” Snails queried. Vinyl Scratch looked more than a little flustered by the question.

“I mean…. Yeah, I want to be with her… We don’t really have any plans. We’re just playing it by ear you know.”

“Sounds suspiciously like coasting to me, Snips.”

“I agree, Snails.”

“Alright, I’ve had enough. Change them back.” Spike demanded.

“What? I can’t change them back. They have to want to go back to their old selves.” Discord explained.

“How long are they going to be like this?” Scratch asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Anywhere from a few minutes to the day they die I guess.” The spirit said nonchalantly.

“Hmph! Why would we ever go back to being simpletons? “ Snips asked.

“I think they want us to go back to being stupid for the sake of this mind numbing excuse for entertainment, Snips.”

“Actually, Snails. I had an idea about how we could morph this show from the parade of ignorant ideas that it is into a proper tool to educate the people. We could talk about the economy, discuss classical literature, and politics. Things that actually matter.”

“A brilliant proposal!” Snails nodded.

“Did you hear that? Unless you want to discuss classical literature, I suggest you turn them back.” Spike told Discord.

“I suppose you have a point. While I can‘t change them back, I can tell you how to return them to normal. Simply remind them of who they were and they should go back to normal.” Discord explained.

“Can you believe it, Snips? They want us to go back to being twits so save this utter wreck they try to pass off as entertainment.”

“I wouldn’t worry, Snails. If I assume correctly, Spike would have to make us do something dumb in order to do that. With our collective intellect, it simply not feasible that such a thing could ever happen.” Snips and Snails laughed at the very idea of Spike even coming close to fooling them.

“You’re right, guys. There’s no way I could ever match you two in a game of wits. I just have one request.” Spike pleaded.

“Hmm, you gave up rather easily. I find myself rather wary of your request.” Snips said leery of Spike’s surrender.

“All I ask is that you answer one question. Who‘s hotter: Rainbow Dash or Applejack?”

“Are you really going to be that transparent, Spike? Do you really mean to get us to fall for such an obvious ploy?” Snails laughed.

“Yes, even I thought you were better than that.” Snips balked.

“I guess we’ll just agree that Rainbow Dash is way better. So what do you guys want to discuss first on the new show?”

“Hold on a second! I’m not arguing, but I’d just like to say that there is no clear consensus on the matter. We shouldn’t just make assumptions.” Snips said.

“That discussion is over, Snips. Spike already announced an end to the matter and we both agreed to let things lie as they were.”

“Balderdash, we said Spike’s plan was idiotic. I don’t recall ever agreeing that Rainbow Dash was anywhere near as beautiful as Applejack. Quite frankly, the very idea that Rainbow Dash could even hold a candle to the golden maned vision of elegance and radiance that is Applejack.” Snails looked angrily at his friend.

“You forget yourself, sir! Rainbow Dash is a wondrous vixen who graces the sky with her magical presence. Your Applejack is nothing more than a dusty, old bumpkin.” Snips looked incensed at Snails’ comment.

“You’ve insulted Applejack and besmirched my honor. Have at you, sir!” The small colt said jumping at Snails as the two wrestled on the floor they started to turn back to their original colors.

“Are you guys okay?” Vinyl Scratch asked.
.

“I will be as soon as Snails admits he‘s a jerkbutt.” Snips said rolling on the floor with his opponent.

“Nuh-uh! You’re the jerkbutt, jerkbutt!” Snails shot back as he tried to get his opponent in a head lock.

“Thank the princess. Don‘t ever change again, you two.” Vinyl Scratch said relieved to have them back.

“Bravo, Spike. You managed to turn your friends back to normal and you didn’t even use magic impressive.” Discord said as he applauded Spike’s effort.

“Try to refrain from tricking my friends in the future.” Spike told the creature.

“Oh come on! How could I resist playing with their heads? They‘re so…. simple!”

“Whatever, let’s get to the questions.” Spike sighed.

“Ready, guys?” Vinyl Scratch asked. The two colts immediately stopped fighting and jumped into their chair.

“Three, two, one. It’s the question of the day!” The two of them shouted with their usual fanfare.

“Our first question comes from Rodrigo again for Discord. Which plot do you find very sexy in Ponyville and why?”

“A good question! I’ve always found Applejack’s plot to be pretty huge and bountiful, but I must say that no plot really blows me away like Princess Celestia’s. I’ve never experienced one as soft and well taken care of as her’s. I could really put all sorts of thing in her plot.”

“Wait? What’s a plot?” Snips asked.

“It’s obviously a small piece of land on which one grows fruit and other forms of vegetation. Celestia’s always had a green hoof. Gardening was one of the many hobbies we used to share.”

“But he asked which plot you found sexy? Are you telling me you find small tracts of land devoted to gardening sexy?” Spike asked. Discord chuckled at Spike’s statement.

“Well, we weren’t the most conventional gardeners.”

“So you had a thing with Celestia? What was that like?” Snips asked.

“Ahh, It was quite some time ago. We were different people back then. A couple of incredibly powerful beings trying to find a little excitement.” Discord said fondly remembering the good times.

“What happened between you two? Things obviously didn’t end well if you ended up as an ornament in her garden.” Spike noticed his query made Discord’s happy expression fade away turning to a darker, angrier one.

“Luna.” The draconnequus growled.

“You don’t sound like you particularly care for Celestia’s sister?” Snips said.

“It’s because of her everything fell apart. I’m sure you heard the official version of what happened. I went mad and the Royal Pony Sisters had to use the Elements of Harmony to stop me, but there’s more to it than that. I didn’t just wake up and decide to take over on a whim. I was pushed.”

“Pushed?” Spike wondered aloud.

“I should start at the beginning. When I met Celestia, she was nothing like the mare you know today. She was wild, impetuous, and absolutely untamable. In other words, she was everything I looked for in a romantic partner. We immediately hit it off and began a whirlwind romance that made us practically inseparable. It was perfect, except for one thing.”

“Luna?” Snails guessed.

“It seemed like the closer we got, the more she began to object our relationship. At first I assumed her feelings came from the way I encouraged Celestia’s wild nature, Luna was always a stick in the mud. She said I was an unbalanced psychopath with no regard for balance and order.”

“Aren’t you?” Spike said.

“That’s beside the point! We were in love. Who we were didn’t matter as long as we were together. I never saw her as someone who went against everything I believed in but the mare who took my heart. Luna didn’t see it that way and gave her an ultimatum. Either she cut off all contact with me or Luna would do it for her.”

“Wait, I thought Celestia and Luna both needed the Elements of Harmony to stop you. How could Luna stop you alone?” Spike asked.

“A common misconception. It takes more power to contain a powerful creature, but if you were trying to silence the creature altogether, it would be a simple enough task for a pony of Luna‘s skill to handle alone.”

“Are you saying that Luna was willing to kill you if Celestia didn’t break up with you?” Snips asked.

“She really didn’t agree with our relationship.”

“What happened next?” Snails asked.

“Isn’t it obvious? Celestia dumped me in order to appease her sister. She said she did it to protect me, but she could have just as easily stood up to her little sister.” Discord’s sad monologue took a twisted turn as the creature’s frown morphed into a maniacal smile.

“That was when I decided to take matters into my own claws. If I took over Equestria, Celestia would answer to me and it wouldn’t matter what Luna thought because I would have flung her to the deepest, darkest black hole I could find. I would remove all harmony from the universe and we live together in a random world of my own design.” Discord raved.

“Isn’t that going a little too far? It sounds like you were planning to unfurl the very fabric of the universe because your girlfriend broke up with you.” Spike said summing up his plan.

“I’m sorry, Spike. How many times has your heart been dashed to the pieces by the love of your life?”

“Umm, no.”

“Then I guess you don’t really know what you’re talking about, do you?” Discord said in a patronizing tone as he patted the young dragon’s head.

“I still don’t see how throwing Celestia’s sister into a black hole and turning the universe into a swirling vortex of never ending crazy was supposed to get her back.”

“Honestly, I thought it was rather sweet of him, if a little misguided.” A familiar voice said as a bright light flashed and a pristine white figure stood before them.

“Princess Celestia!” Everyone said dropping to their knees except for one figure who had his arms crossed and his face scrunched into an angry expression.

“Oh, did somepony pop into the room? It suddenly got very stuffy in here.” Discord sniped.

“Hello, Discord. How have you been?” Celestia asked.

“It’s funny you should ask. I have this incredibly stiff neck from being trapped as a lawn ornament for a thousand years!”

“You forced my hoof, Discord. You tried to destroy the balance twice. You know-”

“It’s your duty! I’ve heard it all before.” Discord pouted as memories of the breakup speech came flooding back, “What do you want? Are your little elements too busy to do your dirty work?” He sneered.

“I see no reason to do such a thing. This is the first time in awhile we’ve been able to talk without a layer of stone between us or you trying to overthrow me. I was hoping we could come to an understanding. Things have changed, Discord. More importantly, Luna has changed.” Discord clapped sarcastically.

“And I guess this is the part where I get all giddy and we get back together. You‘ll have to excuse me if I don‘t jump back into your hooves.” the draconnequs said drolly.

“I know you‘re angry, but you must understand that everything I did was for us.”

“Really? It look like you were letting your little sister dictate our relationship. How do I know Luna won‘t change her mind again? How do I know you won‘t break my heart because your sister told you to?”

“Because after we sealed you away, everything changed with Luna. It caused a rift between us. I began to resent Luna afterwards. The strain it put on our relationship caused my sister to become Nightmare Moon. Breaking up with you made things worse, not better.”

“So Luna won’t get in our way again, but why should I come back?” Discord asked. Celestia just smiled and said two words that made Discord’s attitude change completely.

“The room.” Discord looked at Celestia with piqued interest.

“You don’t mean that room?” He asked stepping forward in front of Celestia.

“It’s still there. I preserved it just for you.”

“The hooks are they-”

“Extremely rusty and sharp as ever.”

“What about the scale?”

“Ice cold. Just the way you like it.” Discord took her hoof in his claw and smiled.

“Are you still as good with a scalpel as I remember?” He asked leaning in.

“Even better.” She said looking into his eyes.

“Well, it’s been nice, but I really must be going, boys. Shall we?” He said as the two of them teleported away.

“What just happened?” Snails asked after they left.

“And what involves rusty hooks, an ice cold scale, and a scalpel?” Snips added.

“I think it’s best not to think too deeply about it. Anyway, I think that’s it for this show. Unless…” Spike turned towards the door and stared at it.

“What are you doing?” Snips asked.

“This is the moment when someone busts the door open and demands to be the next guest on our show.”

“Don’t worry about that, Spike. We’re not having a guest for our next show. We‘re having our first radio contest.”

“Oh, that’s a relief! What are we doing? Giving away tickets or something.” Spike said taking his eyes off the door and relaxing.

“Even better! I call it ‘Dream Date with A Dragon’. It should generate a lot of buzz for the show.” Vinyl Scratch said excitedly.

“Well, that’s nice. We could always…. ” Spike stopped as the entirety of her statement began to sink in. “Ummm, what was the name of that contest again?”

“Dream Date with A Dragon.” Vinyl repeated cheerfully.

“Please tell me you know another dragon.” Spike groaned.

“Only the one.” She smiled.

“I don’t have a choice in this, do I?” He sighed heavily.

“You’re contractually obligated so I’m going to have to say no.”

“I really should have a lawyer look that thing over.” The dragon said pushing his face into his palms.

“Hey, what are we going to do?” Snips asked.

“The three of us are going to be judges to decide who goes out with Spike. Each filly is going tell us why they should go on the date and we’re going to judge their answers. It’s going to be so much fun.”

“So not only do I have to go on a date with a complete stranger. I can’t even help decide who it is.” Spike groaned.

“Don’t worry, Spike. I’ll make sure the filly we pick definitely puts out.” Snips assured him. Spike just sighed.

“That’s not really the problem.”

“Yeah, she’s got to be nice too.” Snails added.

“That’s not it either.”

“She also has to be fun to be around. Spike can’t date someone boring.” Vinyl Scratch commented. Spike threw his claws up in frustration and just gave up as the three of them discussed qualities they thought the winner should possess.

“Whatever! I’d like to thank and apologize everyone who listened. This is Guy Talk signing off.”

How to Date My Dragon

Episode 9

How To Date My Dragon

“I’d like to welcome everyone to a very special episode of Guy Talk, where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. That is what I would say if I weren’t being the one treated as a trophy today. I’m Spike and I’ll be sitting in as the producer for today.”

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

“And I’m Vinyl Scratch. I’ll be joining these two to help Spike find his true love.” She announced.

“ Unless Rarity’s outside, I find that highly unlikely. Anyway let‘s describe the selection process for our five contestants. You apparently went through quite a bit to get these girls on the show.”

“Yep! After last week’s show, we received an overwhelming number of possible contestants mailing in to get a chance to be with you so I had to cull the herd, if you will. First, I removed everyone who wasn’t in your age range. Secondly, I limited it strictly to creatures living in Equestria. Finally, I removed all of the males who wanted to enter.”

“Wait a minute! Shouldn’t that have been the first group to go?” Spike asked.

“I’m trying to be open minded here, Spike. I think you’d make the cutest little bottom.”

“But I’m straight! And what’s a bottom anyway?”

“Oh, it basically means you’re receiving.” She explained making Spike grimace.

“What about me?” Snails asked.

“You’re definitely a top, Snails!” The mare said as an idea popped into her head, “As a matter of fact, I-”

“Whoa! If the next words out of your mouth are what I think they are, I’m leaving right this instant. I don‘t care what any contract says.” Spike threatened.

“Aww, but I’m sure Snails would be very gentle-”

“That’s it! I’m out of here.” Spike said getting up.

“Alright! Don’t get your tail in a twist.” Vinyl Scratch said as Spike sat back in his chair.

“Umm, I don’t get it. What was she about to say?” Snails asked not sure of what Scratch was getting at.

“Forget she said anything, Snails. So how many contestants did you have after that?” Spike said trying to change the subject.

“I started with about a thousand prospects but I manage to whittle it down to about two hundred after all that.” Vinyl Scratch explained.

“Wow! So how’d you get down to five?” Spike asked.

“I’ll answer this one, Scratch,” Snips said proudly, “You remember that brilliant idea I had where I would sleep with the fillies you rejected.”

“I don’t remember it being brilliant. I actually remember it being the worst idea ever and calling you a horrible pony for coming up with it.” Spike said bluntly.

“That’s the one! I decided to use the competition to my advantage by making the runner up have to go on a double date with me, you , and the winner. I figured the runner up will be so devastated by losing her shot at you that I could swoop in for the remains.”

“Do you know that you just described the feeding habits of a vulture?” Spike asked him.

“I know! Isn’t it awesome?” Snips exclaimed as Spike sighed.

“Anyway enough fillies dropped out that left us with today’s contestants.” Vinyl Scratch explained.

“I’m surprised they all didn’t drop out. Seeing as Snips is trying to take advantage of the runner up.” Spike pointed out.

“It just goes to show how dedicated our contestants are today. Let’s bring them in.” Vinyl Scratch said as five fillies walked into the recording studio. A few familiar faces stood amongst the remaining contestants, notably Apple Bloom, Silver Spoon, and Diamond Tiara.

There was another filly with bright red fur and a blonde mane that ended in red tips as it cascaded around her neck. Her cutie mark was simply a huge flame on her flanks. The unicorn wore a look of apprehension as she entered the room. Her bright yellow eyes scanned the room until she spotted Spike sitting behind the booth. She blushed and looked down with a smile on her face. Something clicked in Spike’s head as he could have sworn he met this filly before. He couldn’t recall where, but he definitely got the feeling that they met before.

The other filly was an tan earth pony wearing what could only be considered an obscene amount of makeup. Her cutie mark was two heart shaped pillows. Several pieces of gaudy jewelry hung from her body including chains, earrings, and bangles. Her dark blue mane was tied into two long ponytails that were wrapped in gold ribbon. She walked into the room and immediately shouted upon spotting Spike in the booth.

“Yoohoo! Hey there, lover dragon!” She shouted in what could only be considered a loud Manehattan accent. The other contestants all looked at her with annoyed expression which she willfully ignored. Spike merely waved back nervously.

“What are they doing here?” Snails said pointing out Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

“If Diamond Tiara had a choice, she wouldn’t even be here.” Silver Spoon stated. Diamond Tiara gave an indignant grunt as she looked in Spike’s direction. Vinyl Scratch decided to explain since Diamond Tiara wasn’t as forthcoming.

“As it turns out, Diamond Tiara’s visit made for a pretty bad impression of Barnyard Bargains and Fil…. I mean Mr. Rich wanted her to return in order to show how kind and considerate his family and company really are.”

“So she has to be nice to us?” Snips asked.

“Yeah, that’s about it.” Vinyl Scratch confirmed.

“Whoa! I don’t think she’s ever been nice to us“ Snails said in awe of this new development.

“Say something nice!” Snips told Diamond Tiara who looked at him with a defiant glare.

“You… aren’t…. a complete loser, Snips.” Diamond Tiara said straining to eke out a compliment.

“I don’t know if that was nice. I mean it was nice for her, but overall it was like a backhanded compliment.” Snips said.

“Hey, could we move this along? I don’t got all day here!” The little earth filly replied with no small amount of attitude.

“Yes, I agree. I’d like to continue with the competition as well.” The unicorn said speaking a polite manner. Spike could tell she was from Canterlot right away. That polite way of speaking was taught to all the foals from well respected Canterlot families. He never had much contact with those types back in Canterlot but he couldn’t get the feeling that they had met before out of his head.

“Alright, seeing as we are well acquainted with most of our contestants. Let’s get know the one’s we don’t know. Who wants to go first?” Vinyl Scratch asked.

“She can-”

“I’ll go first!” The gaudy filly proclaimed as she interrupted the unicorn. “My name is Lucy Goosy and I’m here to lay my hooves on that little cutie pie sitting behind the glass.”

“So why do you want to go out with Spike?” Snails asked.

“I got this friend back home in Manehattan named Eenie Meenie. She slept with this griffin kid in our neighborhood and now she’s strutting around bragging about how cool and exotic she is for doing him. I mean she’s always going on an on about it. I mean I slept with him too, but she thinks she’s all hot stuff because she did it first. So if I’m going to outdo her I need to sleep with someone who’s not a pony and I figure Spike’s the perfect candidate. He’s cute, popular, and there‘s no way she can ever top it because I‘d have his virginity. She’d have to sleep with an alicorn or something to top dragon boy over here.” Lucy said as she blew a big kiss to Spike who felt even more uncomfortable around Lucy.

“Wow! You definitely have my vote!” Snips announced.

“You know if I won I’d be pretty grateful to any colts who voted for me.” She said shooting seductive looks at Snips who was absolutely smitten and Snails who was slightly put off by her forward demeanor.

“Ok, let’s hear from our other contestant. Tell us a bit about yourself.” Vinyl Scratch said trying to move attention away from Lucy. She bowed like a proper lady before introducing herself.

“My name is Ashley Phoenix. I guess you might say I‘ve always had a fascination with fire and things of that nature. It was inspired by someone very dear to me.” She said in a tranquil tone as she looked down. Spike somehow got the feeling that she was talking about him.

“So why do you want go out with Spike?” Snails asked.

“He doesn‘t seem to recall, but Spike and I have a history. If I can. I‘d like to rekindle what we once had. It meant a lot to me.” She said to the surprise and amazement of everyone including Spike.

“Whoa, Spike! Why didn’t you say something earlier? You never told us you had a girlfriend before.” Vinyl Scratch said.

“I know her from somewhere, but I would have definitely remembered if we were dating. Are you sure we were dating?” Spike asked her. He looked at the filly again trying to discern where he had seen her before. He racked his brain trying to recall where he had might have met someone like her but nothing came to mind.

“It’s okay, Spike. I’m sure it’ll come back to you.” Ashley said smiling at him.

“Hold it right there, Ashley or whatever your name is!” Diamond Tiara stood in front of her.

“I‘m Spike‘s first girlfriend! He can‘t even remember you. Who the hay do you think you are coming in here and making wild accusations?” Diamond Tiara said getting in her face. Ashley’s calm demeanor started to slip at Diamond Tiara’s rant.

“I’m not making wild accusations. It’s true. Spike and I were a couple!” She said trying to keep her anger in check.

“Leave her alone, Diamond Tiara!” Apple Bloom said but Diamond Tiara ignored her.

“Prove it! Where’s your evidence? Spike can’t remember it so all we have to go on is your word. How do we even know you’re telling the truth or that you‘re not crazy?” Ashley looked at Diamond Tiara with a fiery yellow glare as her horn started to glow.

“I‘m…not….CRAZY!” She shouted as a gust of hot air blew Diamond Tiara onto her back. Silver Spoon immediately ran to her friends side.

“What happened, Diamond Tiara? Are you okay?” She said helping her friend up.

“Sh-She pushed me!” Diamond Tiara said pointing a hoof at her.

“No, I didn’t!” Ashley replied looking down.

“I didn’t see her touch you. Can we get on this? I don‘t want to be here all day, you know.” Lucy said trying to move things along. Diamond Tiara knew she was pushed and was about to say something about Lucy’s attitude and Ashley’s violent behavior when Silver Spoon stopped her.

“You have to be nice, remember? You remember what your dad said.” She whispered to her friend. Diamond Tiara really wanted to tell the both of them off and leave in a dramatic fashion, but her father made it clear that she had to be on her best behavior or the consequences would be dire.

“Fine,” Diamond Tiara said standing as she looked at Ashley with a forced smile, “I… apologize.” She said through gritted teeth as she got back in to her place with Silver Spoon standing between her and Ashley.

“Wow! We do sure have some rather spirited fillies competing for Spike’s heart. I’ll kick things off with the first question.” Vinyl Scratch said shuffling through some cards she had made earlier. “Alright, let’s start with Apple Bloom. I’m going to describe a scenario and I want you to tell me how you would react. Got it?”

“Okay.” Apple Bloom nodded.

“You and Spike go to a party. After hanging out for awhile, you and Spike decide to split up, but he promises to meet later and take you home. The party starts to wind down and you’re ready to go home, but Spike is nowhere to be found. After a little bit of searching, you find Spike talking rather closely to another filly. The two of them seem to be having a great time, but Spike promised to walk you home when you got ready to leave. What do you do?” Apple Bloom thought about it for a couple minutes before responding.

“I guess I’d just ask Spike if he still wants to walk me home. I guess I’d be kind of disappointed if he didn’t want to leave with me, but I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Really? I’d drag Spike out of there, and if that hussy he was talking to so much as looked at me wrong, I’d smack the taste out of her mouth.” Lucy replied.

“Except for the violence, I’m with her. No way I’m letting Spike disrespect me twice! What about you, Silver Spoon?” Diamond Tiara asked catching her friend off guard.

“Huh? I guess I wouldn’t mind walking home alone.” Silver Spoon said nonchalantly.

“I thought you liked Spike. You’d just let him ignore you while he talked to some other filly?” Diamond Tiara asked her fiend.

“I mean… I guess I agree with Applebloom.” She replied nervously.

“You agree with her? Something’s fishy going on. It’s almost like you don’t care about going home with Spike.” The filly said becoming suspicious of Silver Spoon.

“W-What? I kissed him, right? How can you even say that?” The filly said adjusting her glasses nervously.

“I’ve been wondering about that. Every time I ask you about Spike it’s like you could care less. I’m beginning to think you don’t like him at all.”

“Umm, what about you, Ashley?” Silver Spoon asked changing the subject entirely.

“I would make sure Spike kept his promise. Promises are important.” She said throwing a smile his way. His expression changed immediately as the phrase caused his mind to flashback to when he was much younger.

Since Twilight wasn’t interested in going out or socializing in general at the time, Princess Celestia would occasionally take Spike to a playground near the castle. It was a great chance for the princess to talk to her subjects and get them used the idea of a young dragon walking around at the same time. Spike remembered meeting tons of other ponies, but he met one in particular that was different from the rest. Something occurred between them that seemed innocuous at the time, but that wasn’t the case now. She was standing right here and Spike knew exactly why she was here.

“Is something wrong, Spike? You look like you Snails after he ate one too many cupcakes.” Snips asked shaking the dragon from his thoughts.

“Umm…. Nothing!” Spike said quickly. He looked at Ashley who was looking at him with a big expectant smile. Spike knew that he had to play ignorant and hope she wouldn’t bring up what happen between them.

“Are you sure? You look pretty stressed.” Vinyl Scratch asked him.

“I was just thinking about which one of these lovely fillies I would be going out with.” Spike chuckled nervously.

“Whatever! It’s time for my question!” Snips said ready to go.

“Who’d you want to ask first?” Scratch asked. Snips pretended to think about it before honing in on the one filly he actually favored.

“Hmm… How about Lucy?” Snips said zeroing on the filly.

“I would be so honored to receive your…. ‘question’.” She said obviously flirting with Snips, who seem to eat up the attention.

“So you happen to walk in on Spike masturbating, what do you do?” He asked causing Spike to fall out of his chair.

“What type of question is that?” Spike asked angrily as he got up.

“Are you saying you don’t do it?” Snips asked him.

“Th-That’s not the point! You can‘t just put me out there like that!” Spike shouted with a flustered expression.

“Don’t worry, Spike. I wouldn’t let you play all by yourself.” Lucy said licking her lips.

“I’d dump him on the spot. That kind of stuff is absolutely gross.” Diamond Tiara commented.

“Spoken like a true virgin.” Lucy laughed.

“W-What’s wrong with being a virgin?” Diamond Tiara said taking it personally.

“I’m just saying that it’s sad that you can’t get a guy to even touch you.” Lucy pointed out.

“Diamond Tiara could get anyone she wanted!” Silver Spoon spoke up.

“Yeah! If that’s true, why hasn’t she lost her virginity yet? I could understand if you were saving it for someone but you acting all uppity like you‘re better than everybody. I can‘t stand that type of pony.” Lucy snorted.

“Shows what you know! Anyone of these losers would bend over backwards to have my virginity.” Diamond Tiara said pointing to Snips and Snails.

“Pass!” Snips said quickly.

“Me too!” Snails added.

“Liars! You chumps would kill to be with me.” Diamond Tiara argued.

“Don’t get us wrong! You look great. You’re probably the most attractive filly in town, but you’ve got a horrible personality!” Snips said clarifying their reason for rejecting her.

“B-But Spike! You like me, right? You were my boyfriend!” Diamond Tiara said turning to the dragon in desperation.

“I’m sorry, but I only did that because Snips wanted me too. I never really considered you my girlfriend.” Spike admitted.

“Th- That’s not true! You’re lying! You’re all lying!” Diamond Tiara shouted.

“Don’t listen to them, Diamond Tiara. You’re a wonderful filly.” Silver Spoon said comforting her friend. That was when Apple Bloom spoke up.

“Think about it, Diamond Tiara. Don’t you ever wonder why you only have one friend? If you were as great as you think you are, you’d have tons of friends, but all you have is Silver Spoon and she doesn’t even want to really be your friend.” Apple Bloom informed her. Silver Spoon glared at her with the evilest look she could muster for a few seconds before she went back to tending to her friend.

“Don’t listen to them, Diamond Tiara! You’re wonderful! They’re just jealous. You don’t need any other friends to prove that. All you need is me.” Diamond Tiara suddenly started to laugh to herself.

“I guess it’s all true. I’m such a fool. I was so blind, but I understand now. You made me understand Silver Spoon.” The filly said laughing as tears started to form in her eyes.

“Wh-what are you talking about?” Silver Spoon asked.

“I always wondered why you really kissed Spike. It was obvious you didn’t like him. I suspected along time before that but I guess I always convinced myself otherwise. I wanted a friend and you were there so I ignored it. I pushed everyone away and constantly looked down on them, but you stuck by me and I didn’t want to question it. You never wanted to be my friend, did you?” Diamond Tiara asked her becoming serious.

“What are you talking about? Of course, I’m your friend? What else would I be?” Silver Spoon asked.

“Do you really think I’m that stupid, Silver Spoon? I guess I am since it took me so long to notice it before now. I’m so pathetic.” Diamond Tiara said running away with teary eyes.

“I hope you’re happy.” Silver Spoon said to everyone before she ran after her. The room was silent for a moment before Snips spoke up.

“Anyone feel bad about what just happened?” He asked.

“Nope.” Lucy said.

“Not really.” Apple Bloom shook her head.

“Can’t say that I do.” Spike threw his arms up.

“I only wished it had happened sooner.” Snails stated.

“I can’t say I particularly cared.” Ashley admitted.

“Good, let’s move on. It looks like we only have three contestants left. We haven’t heard Ashley or Apple Bloom answer Snips’ question.” Vinyl Scratch said making Apple Bloom blush.

“Gosh, I’d really don’t know what I’d do. I guess I’d just close the door and forget I ever saw it.” The filly said nervously shuffling her hooves.

“What about you, Ashley?” Snips asked.

“I’d offer myself to Spike completely. I’d let him know that he’d never need to feel so alone that he should have to touch himself. I‘d show him that I‘d be honored to receive the fruit of his loins and bear them as my own!” Ashley said with burning conviction. The room went silent for a moment as her statement caught everyone off guard.

“Wow, that’s a…. a pretty interesting answer. Spike, are you sure you don’t remember this filly?” Vinyl Scratch asked nervously.

“N-nope, I can’t say I do!” Spike said wiping the sweat from his brow. The fire in Ashley’s eyes fell as she realized he hadn’t remembered her yet.

“You still don’t remember? What about the playground? Or the sand box where we used to play pretend?” She asked becoming quite frantic.

“I’m sorry.” Spike said starting to feel bad. He could tell how badly she wanted him to remember, and the fact that he did remember her made him feel terrible. However, Spike knew that too reveal what happened between them would put him in a compromising position.

“What’s the big deal? If he doesn’t remember, just remind him already! Why the hay are you trying to be so mysterious?” Lucy asked her.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. I just wanted Spike to remember it on his own. I guess I always hoped it would be special enough for him to remember.”

“Why didn’t you stay in contact with him? If he meant so much to you, why’d you stay away so long?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Something happened between me and Spike, and I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore. But before that he was one of the few people who was actually nice to me. It was also one of the few times I could say I was actually happy to be with someone. ” She said sadly. Everyone else looked at Spike with mild disgust. He felt even worse now that he was an object of scorn for causing Ashley such sadness.

“Alright, I remember you.” Spike relented under the pressure of being a pariah. Ashley smiled as her entire body started to glow brightly. Everyone looked at her dumbfounded by the fact that not only was she glowing, but her body was putting out a fair amount of heat as well.

“You do? Do you remember our promise?” She said bouncing up and down with unrestrained giddyness like a glowing ball of light.

“Could you calm down first? You’re… glowing. I remember it.” Spike sighed.

“What promise? Who is she? Why was she glowing!” Scratch asked wanting know what was going on.

“Before I tell you about the promise, you have to understand that I was at a much more innocent time in my life. I didn’t know what I promising at the time.” Spike said explaining himself.

“He promised to make me the happiest filly in all of Equestria.” Ashley said dreamily. Everyone turned to Spike who looked flustered.

“I was too young to know what I was agreeing to. She said there’d be cake and we’d give each other rings with big juicy gems on them. I was young and hungry at the time. I didn’t know any better when I came up with the idea to make that promise.” Spike argued in his own defense. Snips decided to comment on this particular issue.

“Wait a minute! This is what you’re all worked up about! Some promise you made as a toddler to foal you met. There’s always been something I’ve wanted to say to you and I think now is the perfect chance to say it.” Snips said carrying an air of superiority in his voice.

“Wait a second, Snips!” Spike shouted, but Snips continued to speak.

“That’s got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You call me out on some pretty stupid stuff, but you’re afraid of some promise you made when you were barely out of your diapers. You don’t have to keep that promise. It sounds pretty crazy anyway. It’s not like you have to-” Snips stopped when he noticed Spike making the cut off sign with his claw. Unfortunately. It was already too late as Ashley’s eyes started to glow with fiery rage.

“How dare you?” She said with a resounding and deeper voice than usual. Her hair levitated upward resembling a bonfire burning out of control. Her horn looked like it was engulfed in a small flame as she stared at Snips with such intense hatred.

“Calm down, Ash. Snips was just joking? It’s so funny, right?” Spike said trying to wink at Snips, but he was too focused on the terrifying filly to play along. She was starting to walk towards Snips. Her hoof steps burning their imprints into the carpet. Everyone was frozen in terror as the fiery filly marched towards him, except Spike who knew he had to stop her. Fortunately, he had a pretty good idea how to do it.

“Oh no! My stomach hurts.” Spike groaned loudly as he clutched his sides.

“Spike?” Ashley said returning to normal as her concern erased all traces of her burning wrath.

“Ashley… ooooohhh. I need your help!” Spike said playing it up. Ashley looked at him anxiously willing to do anything to help him.

“W-What should I do? Do you need blood? What’s your type? I’ll give you as much as you need.”

“No! Just go to Ponyville Hospital and get some help! Tell them you need help… Quick!” Spike said pointing to the door.

“Okay, where is it?” Ashley said as she trotted in place.

“Across town! Head straight out and you can’t miss it!” Spike informed her.

“I’ll be right back, my darling Spike. Hold on!” She said zipping out of the room. Spike dropped his act and pick up the phone. He proceeded to dial as he whistled calmly.

“Yes, is this Ponyville General Hospital? I’d like to admit a patient to your mental ward. Yuh huh. Okay. She’s a filly with a flame for a cutie mark. She has a blonde coat and yellow eyes. Her name is Ashley Phoenix. Yep, you can’t miss her. She’s also a unicorn and she might resist at first. Mm hmm. Alright. She’ll be there in about half an hour. Alright. No, thank you. Buh bye.” Spike said hanging up and letting out a sigh of relief.

“Spike, what just happened?” Snails asked.

“I’ll explain later.”

“Anyway, it looks like we have two contestants left. Go ahead and ask your question, Snails.” Scratch said still a little confused by what just happened.

“Oh right! I… ummm… Wait a second. I think I forgot my question.” Snails said massaging his temples.

“How could you forget your question? It’s like the only thing you have to do as a judge.” Snips said chastising him.

“A lot of stuff happened and I just forgot it.” Snails admitted.

“This is why you’re failing math.“ Snips told him.

“You’re failing too!” Snails corrected him.

“That’s different. I fail because I refuse to apply myself. You’re naturally stupid.”

“That’s it!” Snails said about to jump at him. Scratch put her hooves up to separate the two of them before contact could be made.

“Snips.” She said in a stern, motherly tone.

“I guess I’m sorry.” He grumbled.

“And?” Scratch said looking at him.

“I’ll try harder in math too.” Snips sighed.

“I want you to try harder too, Snails. You guys got way too much potential to fail anything. For now just come up with another question.”

“Okay, why don’t they just tell us why they should be with Spike?” Snails asked. Lucy immediately jumped on the question.

“I should be with Spike cause I’m sexy, beautiful, and I would make sure it was a first date he’d never forget.” The filly said licking her lips.

“What an answer!” Snips said applauding and whistling his approval.

“What about you, Apple Bloom?” Snails asked.

“I can’t really promise what Lucy’s offering, but if you picked me, I would try my best to make it the date ever. Not just for me, but because Spike is really special to me and I’d like it to be something we could share together.”

“Wow! That was really sweet, Apple Bloom.” Spike said blushing a little. Lucy put her hoof to a mouth making a gagging expression.

“Well, I think we each have enough to make a decision as to who goes out with who.” Vinyl Scratch said.

“Yeah, I think we should totally go with Apple Bloom.” Snails said announcing his choice much to the dismay of Snips.

“What? I mean….” Snips paused for a moment to think before letting a sly smile creep across his face, “Could I speak to you for a moment, Scratch?” Snips said acting calmly.

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”

“Actually, I was hoping I could speak to you alone for a second.” Snips asked.

“Okay, but make it quick.” Scratch said leaning over to lend him an ear.

Snips preceded to whisper quickly into Scratch’s ear. Snails tried to listen in but was sitting too far to make out anything. Lucy sat there impatiently awaiting word from the judges who had won. Apple Bloom played with her hooves as she tried her best not to look nervous. Spike found himself looking in Apple Bloom’s direction trying not to stare.

For reasons he couldn’t explain, he found himself unable to look away after that stuff she said earlier. He hadn’t been seriously pulling for anyone until now, but he kind of found himself hoping Apple Bloom would win. It also helped that he found the thought of going on a date with Lucy Goosey more than a little unappealing as well. Spike’s thoughts were interrupted as Snips and scratch finished discussing whatever it was they were talking about.

“It looks like it’s up to me to pick our winner with our other judges firmly split between our final two contestants. As you know, it‘s been quite the process trying to choose who would go out with Spike. From a pool of thousands, we have narrowed it down to two. No matter what the outcome is you can take pride in the fact that you have made it this far, but only one can claim the trophy that is Spike’s love and affection. Without further ado, I’d like to introduce the filly who will be going with Spike as first date is….. Lucy!” Scratch said as she applauded her.

“Whoo! Yes, I knew I’d win! I’m so freaking awesome!” Lucy said as she jumped for joy, “Hey, no hard feelings, right?” She said extending a hoof to her disappointed opponent.

“Congratulations.” Apple Bloom said half heartedly as she shook her hoof. A weak smile was the best she could do to hide the tears that were starting to form in her eyes.

“Yep! Enjoy your double date.” Scratch said.

“Wait a minute! What double date?” Lucy asked.

“You and Spike will be accompanied by our runner up couple, Snips and Apple Bloom. You will all be going to Ponyville’s fanciest restaurant for a full course meal and onto the spa for massage lessons from Aloe and Lotus Blossom. The next day will be the post date interview to see how our prospective couples are doing.”

“Hmm, I guess that sounds okay. A massage session with Spike sounds pretty good. Hey, dragon boy! Why don’t you come over and congratulate me personally?” Lucy called to Spike who looked hesitant.

“Don’t worry, Apple Bloom. I know you’re pretty bummed about missing out on Spike, but I will totally be there for you in your time of need on our date.” Snips said winking at Apple Bloom.

“Um… Thanks, Snips. I really appreciate that.” The filly said nervously. Spike looked at Snips suspiciously as he remembered the colt’s plan. The thought of Snips getting close to Apple Bloom made him uncomfortable.

“Spike! Are you just going to sit there or are you going to congratulate me? Lucy said becoming impatient. Spike sighed as he got up and walked over to greet the winner. He decided to take a few seconds to shake Apple Bloom’s hoof first, much to chagrin of a certain impatient filly.

“I’m sorry you didn’t win, Apple Bloom.” Spke said putting a claw out to Apple Bloom’s surprise.

“Really?” Apple Bloom said wiping a tear from her eye. Lucy made a big show of coughing loudly as she waited for Spike to focus on her.

“You have no idea.” Spike said eliciting a laugh from Apple Bloom and an angry frown from Lucy.

“Hey, Lucy. Good job on winning!” Spike said moving towards her and offering to shake her hoof. Lucy laughed at the gesture.

“Oh no, scales! I didn’t come this far to shake your claw.” Lucy said wrapping her hooves around his neck and preceding to force her tongue down Spike’s throat. Spike had been kissed only twice, but this was a whole new level of uncomfortableness. He could feel every motion of her slimy tongue as it licked the inside of his own mouth. It was gross and absolutely suffocating. Spike tried to push her away, but she had a death grip on his neck that he couldn’t break. He had to bear it until she was finally satisfied.

“Mmmm! Someone’s grabby. I like that!” She said licking her lips as Spike caught his breath. He wanted to tell her he was trying to push her away, but he was too busy enjoying the feeling of fresh air in his lungs. Vinyl Scratch decided to end the show while Spike caught his breath.

“Well it looks our dragon is in for quite a date. Remember to tune in and find out how it went. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. Good night, Equestria!”

Sour Apples and Loose Fillies

Guy Talk

Sour Apples and Loose Fillies

Episode 10

“I’m Snails.”

“I’m Vinyl Scratch and this is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. I’m back in the booth today with the post date interview. Hey, what’s wrong, Snails? You look kind of down.”

“I guess I just feel kind of left out. Snips got to go on a date with a cute filly, and Spike got to go on a date with…. a filly. I didn’t get to go out with anyone.” He sighed.

“Aww, I’m really sorry about that. I’d have love to included you, but there wasn’t enough money for a third couple.”

“It’s okay, Scratch. I understand.” Snails said hanging his head in defeat.

“Hey, don’t be like that, big guy! How about I take you to Sugarcube Corner after the show, compliments of me? What do you say?” Vinyl Scratch offered.

“You mean like a date?” Snails said nearly jumping out of his seat.

“As friends, Snails. You know I’m in a relationship already.”

“I know I say it a lot, but you’re really awesome… and nice. I just wanted to let you that I really appreciate what you said last time.” Snails said blushing and squirming in his chair.

“You mean about you having potential? I was just sticking up for you. I’d do it for any of my friends.” Vinyl Scratch said stressing the last word.

“Yeah, you’re so great.” Snails said staring at her like some lovesick puppy.

“Oookay, why don’t we just bring out our couples? Come on in!” Vinyl Scratch said changing the subject.

As the two groups walked in, it was clear that things had changed significantly since the last time they were on the show. Snips walked in with Lucy, but he didn’t seem all too happy about it. Lucy, on the other hoof, couldn’t seem to stop smiling as she stuck as close to him as possible, occasionally nuzzling her head against his. Spike and Apple Bloom walked in, but it was quite obvious that they weren’t on speaking terms as they refused to look at the other. They sat next to each other but not before moving their chairs apart.

“Wow! Anyone care to explain what happened last night?” The mare asked examining both groups. Lucy wasted no time getting the first word.

“I think I’m in love!” She said hugging Snips who didn’t seem to share her enthusiasm as he sat there being shaken by the smiling filly.

“So you and Snips are together now? What happened between you and Spike?” Snails asked.

“Hmph! Snips, unlike a certain dragon I won’t mention, knows how to treat a lady. That‘s why he‘s my little magic teddy bear. Who‘s my sexy magic teddy bear?” She said cuddling him.

“I am.” Snips said with zero enthusiasm.

“What about you and Apple Bloom? You guys seemed pretty friendly the last time we saw you. What happened?” Scratch said turning her attention to them.

“Spike is being unreasonable!” Apple Bloom exclaimed sticking her tongue out at the dragon.

“I’m unreasonable! She’s the unreasonable one!” Spike said pointing at her.

“I can’t believe you don’t get it. You’re impossible!” She said turning away from him and crossing her forelegs. Vinyl Scratch looked around the room and realized that she’d need the whole picture if she was going to find out how things got to where they are.

“I think we should start from the beginning. Anyone care to tell what happened when you met at the restaurant?”

“I’ll tell you but I need a little space.” Snips said looking at the filly who seemed to be magnetically attracted to him. She seemed to get the hint as she reluctantly released her hold on him.

“I made it to the restaurant and saw Apple Bloom waiting while Spike was trying his best to keep Lucy at bay. I put a few moves on Apple Bloom myself.” Snips said proudly.

“Moves?” Snails said confused.

“He basically started telling a bunch of dirty jokes and getting way too close to Apple Bloom.” Spike explained.

“See! He was like this all night, I swear. He spent more time telling Snips to lay off than paying attention to me. At least Snips was trying to be entertaining, Spike avoided me like the plague.” Lucy pointed out.

“If you didn’t spend every single second trying to put your hoof between my legs or stick your tongue down my throat, I might’ve had the opportunity.” Spike argued. Vinyl Scratch could see the tension starting to escalate between the two and decided to keep the story moving along.

“So what happened next?” Spike took over this time.

“We enter this restaurant, and it’s pretty fancy. It’s like a café straight out of Canterlot. Crystal chandeliers, silk table cloths, and expensive gleaming silverware were everywhere. I was glad the meal was paid for because I don’t think I could pay for it if I had the horde of two dragons.”

“I’m glad you liked Chez Ponyville rich environment and welcoming atmosphere. Chez Ponyville features world class chefs who specialize in making every meal a magical experience. If you want to enjoy the finer tastes of life, head down to Chez Ponyville where good class and good taste are one in the same.” Vinyl Scratch interjected to shock of everyone around her.

“Umm… what was that?” Spike asked.

“Chez Ponyville isn’t cheap. In exchange for a huge discount, I offered to cut a promo on the show. Just go with it!” She said.

“She’s so smart.” Snails sighed dreamily.

“Whatever! Anyway we get seated right away by this fancy waiter. I even managed to work out things out with Lucy.” Spike said.

“We agreed that I could hold his claw until dinner was over. I still thought he was being kind of stingy but it was something. I‘d say things were going great until Snips mentioned wanting to do the same thing with Apple Bloom. He spends most of his time glaring at Snips like he insulted him or something until the food arrived.”

“How’d you feel about the date, Apple Bloom?” Scratch asked.

“I was enjoying myself. I mean I could have done with a few less dirty jokes, but I could tell he was trying to be entertaining for my sake.”

“So you were actually trying to give Snips a chance?” Vinyl Scratch asked.

“I know he wasn’t my first choice, but I decided to try and give it a shot.”

“So how was dinner with Snips?”

“It was okay, but it would have been much better if Snips hadn’t been telling so many naughty jokes during the meal.”

“I thought he was hilarious. I especially like the one about the mare from Nantucket and the carrot. I actually appreciated Snips‘ sense of humor. I can respect a guy who can joke about sex, unlike a certain uptight dragon.”

“Hey, I was making conversation!” Spike said defending himself.

“You also spent most of your time staring at Apple Bloom.” She accused him.

“No, I wasn’t. It‘s all in your head!” Spike said explaining away skepticism.

“How do you explain what happened at the spa, huh?” Lucy crossed her arms.

“You’re the one who left me!” Spike shouted.

“What are you talking about? You left me for her first!”

“Whoa! Let’s take a step back and tell me what happened at the spa.” Scratch said cooling things down between the heated former couple.

“So we go to the spa, right? These twins with some kind of weird accent tell us that each couple will be in separate rooms and Mr. Jealous over here flips out.”

“I didn’t flip out. I was just wondering why we had to be in separate rooms.”

“Maybe because it was a couple massage lesson. You know for two people who are supposed to be focused on each other!”

“All I’m saying is couples do things together, Lucy. We should have been in the same room together so I could supervi… I mean learn together.” Spike said correcting himself as everyone looked at him.

“So Spike was jealous. What happened next?” Scratch asked.

“I was not… Aww, just forget it!” Spike said crossing his arms and pouting.

“Anyway, Spike and me get to our room and it is perfect. A dark candlelit room, scented candles, and a cart filled with all sorts of special massage oils sitting next to a table. I figure this is my best shot at getting between his legs… or so I thought.”

“What happened?” Snails asked.

“I got him on the table and Ally telling me how to massage his back.”

“You mean Aloe.” Spike corrected her.

“Whatever! So I’m rubbing Spike’s back and I lean in real close. I ask Lois to leave so we can get some privacy.”

“Aloe.” Spike said.

“So she leaves!” Lucy said through gritted teeth. “ And I’m start grinding myself against those green scales on Spike’s back.”

“Wait a second! You said that was a special massage tool!” Spike said shocked by this newfound information.

“I wasn’t lying and you seem to enjoy yourself at the time. What’d you say? ‘I ought to get me one of those’ and I offered to let you borrow mine.” Lucy giggled.

“Aww, sick! I should have known something was up when I felt your fur.” Spike said rubbing his spine.

“It’s not like it mattered. I was about to make my move when we heard this loud high pitched scream from the next room. Spike jumps up and nearly knocks me to the floor. I tell him if he leaves we’re through. He just looks at me and says I‘m sorry before darting off.”

“Who was in the next room?” Snails asked.

“Guess who?” She said nodding in Apple Bloom’s direction.

“Yeah, we haven’t heard what happened during your session. Either of you care to enlighten us?” Scratch asked. Snips and Applebloom looked at each other before turning red. Their reaction only intensified Scratch’s curiosity.

“It’s… complicated. Apple Bloom was laying on the table and I was giving her a massage just like Lotus Blossom was telling me. I’d never really gotten that close to a filly before. Her mane smelled so good, and her fur felt great beneath my hooves. It was so warm and soft. I couldn’t control myself.” Snips sighed.

“Oooh, let me guess! You tried to force yourself on her, but she screamed and alerted Spike who bravely rushed in to stop you!” Vinyl Scratch hypothesized. She imagined Snips as some villain driven mad by his own lust and temptation as he stood over the innocent damsel, Apple Bloom. Cue Spike bursting in with his chest puffed out in a figure that was more cute than heroic but heroic nonetheless.

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked looking at Vinyl Scratch as if she was talking about the existence of humans.

“I mean it would explain the scream, right?”

“Actually, that was me.” Snips admitted sheepishly.

“But why would you scream if you were about to ravish Apple Bloom?” Scratch asked disappointed that the truth didn’t match her version.

“He didn’t try to ravish me, Scratch. He poked me and I got scared.” Applebloom admitted reluctantly.

“Poked you?” Scratch said confused.

“Yeah, I got an erection… and I accidentally hit the nub of Apple Bloom’s tail with it.” Snips confessed.

“Why the scream then?” Scratch asked.

“Applejack told me that if he tried anything funny that I was supposed to kick him as hard as I could. I got scared when I felt something that wasn’t hooves touching me so I reacted. I knew he wasn’t trying anything immediately after. No way he would have tried something like that with Lotus Blossom standing right there.”

“But why would Snips scream in a high pitched…. Oh!” Scratch said realizing where Apple Bloom’s kick needed to land to produce such a sound.

“Yep! By the time I got there, Snips was on the floor and Apple Bloom was apologizing.”

“Are you alright, Snips?” Scratch asked. Lucy grabbed Snips in another embrace.

“Don’t worry about it. I followed Spike into the room and found my sexy little teddy bear on the floor. I took him home and tended to his injury all night.” She said rubbing her cheeks against his. Snails just sighed.

“Wow, Snips! Way to go! How does it feel to finally turn in your v card?” Scratch asked.

“It was… great, I guess.” Snips said rubbing the back of his mane.

“What’s wrong, Snipsy? You’ve been sulking ever since this morning.” Lucy said with a worried look. Snips sighed as he looked her in the eyes.

“Lucy, these past few days have been the best time of my life, but I feel like you‘ve changed since we got together. I mean that thing where you put your back hooves behind your neck was something I‘ll never forget.”

“B-but I thought we were getting along so well. You’re the first time I ever felt a real connection to somepony. What happened?” She asked desperately.

“At first, it was about the sex, but all of a sudden, you started talking about your emotions and stuff. I mean it kind of kills the sex when you bring emotion into it. I just think it‘s better if we-” Snips was interrupted as Lucy slapped him across the face.

“Oh, Celestia! You‘re the worst pony I ever slept with. I… I actually felt something for you and you don‘t even care.” She said as she started to cry.

“Aww, that‘s not true. You see I cared about the sex till you ruined by being all touchy feely. I don‘t see how you‘re not getting that.”

“I bared my soul to you when I nursed you back to health. I told you my hopes and dreams. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” She asked desperately.

“Of course, it does. I’ll tell you what. How about you stop doing all that stuff and we just fool around? It’ll be just like old times.” Snips offered to the tearful filly who just stared at him with a look of confusion and hatred before donning most curious smile.

“You know what, Snips? That sounds great. How about we celebrate our new relationship with a kiss?” She said wiping her eyes.

“A kiss? I guess that‘s okay.” Snips said a little disappointed. He was hoping for something a little more imaginative and erotic than a kiss.

“Close your eyes and get ready for a big surprise.” She giggled.

“I’m ready for my surprise!” Snips said closing his eyes and puckering up. The sight of the colt with his lips outstretched was enough to make her wonder what she ever saw in him.

“Here you go!” Lucy said as she wound up and smashed him in the side of his face with her hoof. The blow caused Snips to fly out of his chair and land hard on the floor. Lucy shook her hoof as she stood up and walked away. She turned and look at the pathetic colt who was still out of it from the vicious blow.

“By the way, he’s terrible in the sack!” She shouted before she opened and slammed the door. Everyone looked to the colt who was pretty much unconscious lying on the floor. After a few seconds of silence, Scratch decided to get things back on track while Snips regained consciousness.

“Okay, so what happened between you and Apple Bloom?” Scratch said turning her attention to Spike.

“After Lucy and Snips left, I decided to walk Apple Bloom home. It was pretty nice at first. We just talked about how crazy everything that happened up until then was. Eventually, we started to talk about… kissing.” Spike blushed and Apple Bloom followed suit as well.

“What about kissing?” Snails asked.

“I guess I might have brought up the fact that Spike never really kissed anyone. He’s been kissed three times and he never really had a choice in the matter. I figure a real kiss should be a mutual thing.” Apple Bloom revealed.

“So what happened next?” Scratch asked.

“Nothing really. We just walked home without talking for awhile.” Apple Bloom told them.

“Spike.” Scratch said looking at him with a mix of disappointment and anger.

“What? I was thinking about it, okay? Besides, something else happened after the silence. Keep going, Apple Bloom.”

“Well, we got to my house and said our goodbyes, but before I could turn around, Spike grabs my hoof and asks me if I want to kiss for real.” Apple Bloom admitted.

“Way to go, Spike! So how was it?” The mare cheered the dragon.

“Scratch?” Spike said.

“Did it last long?”

“Scratch?”

“Did things get a little hot?”

“We didn’t kiss.” Spike said.

“Was there… huh?” Scratch said looking at him incredulously.

“There was no kiss. Apple Bloom complicated things.” Spike said making Apple Bloom snort.

“I complicated things! I just told you some, dumb family myth and you freak out.”

“I don’t see how us being cursed to get married is stupid.”

“Whoa! Don’t tell me you popped the question, Applebloom?” Scratch asked.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just said that almost everypony in my family ends up marrying their first love. Granny Smith told me that almost every member of our family eventually ends up marrying the first pony they fell in love with. Spike freaked out and got scared because of it.”

“I’m sorry if you’re okay with this, but the fact that I’m destined to walk down the aisle is a little bit scary. I’d have prefer you’d kept that secret until after we were married.”

“It’s just some old family coincidence, Spike, but if you don’t want to be with me because of it, I understand.” Apple Bloom sighed as she looked down.

“Listen, it’s not… I mean… I don’t want to let this come between us.” Spike admitted. “If it means marriage someday, I guess I’ll just risk it.” He said lifting her chin.

“You really mean it?” Apple Bloom asked. Spike immediately leaned forward and kissed Apple Bloom square on the lips. The gesture was surprising but the filly was more than happy to accept it. As they were kissing, Snips started to come to.

“Uhh… Where’s Lucy? And why does my face hurt?” He said looking around and rubbing his sore cheek.

“She left, Snips. Something about wanting to go back to Manehattan.” Scratch said bending the truth.

“Oh, I guess it’s for the best. She was starting to cramp my style anyway. Did she tell you how great a lover I am?” Snips bragged as he wearily dragged himself into his chair.

“She might have mentioned something about that.” Scratch told him.

“Guys, I have an announcement to make. Scratch and I are going on a date.” Snails said proudly.

“No way!” Snips said.

“Really?” Spike and Apple Bloom said looking at her.

“Snails! It’s not a date. I told him I’d take him out for ice cream after the show because you guys got to go on dates.” She explained.

“She’s so kind.” Snails said lazily looking at her.

“Oh, I see what’s happening!” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah, me too.” Snips said putting his hoof to his face.

“What’s going on?” Spike asked.

“I’m lost too. Care to explain?” Scratch wondered.

“He did the same thing with Cheerilee once, Scratch.” Apple Bloom told her.

“You see that dopey expression he’s got. Well, dopier than usual. I’m also betting he just compliments when you try to explain otherwise. It’s obvious what’s going on. You were too nice to him and now he‘s deluded himself into thinking you‘re in some sort of relationship.” Snips said taking stock of the situation.

“That’s exactly it! What do I do?” Scratch was happy that Snips had seen this kind of thing before.

“You got to let him down hard. No matter how sad it makes him or how depressed he gets. You can’t leave any room for doubt.” Snips informed her.

“I have to break his heart.” Scratch said looking at the lovesick colt. He was so busy staring at her that the conversation went entirely over his head.

“You broke up with guys before? What’s the big deal?” Snips cited.

“This isn’t some jerk who asked me to stick my horn up his butt for kicks. It’s Snails. He’s just a big, lovable goof who got the wrong idea.”

“She’s so understanding.” Snails sighed.

“Unless you want to put up with that for the rest of your life, I suggest you try.” Snips pointed to the colt who wasn’t going to have a change of heart on his own. She knew this wouldn’t stop unless she put her hoof down. She just didn’t want to put her hoof down on his heart.

“Snails, we need to talk.” The mare said looking at him.

“Your voice is so-”

“Please stop, Snails! I like you as a friend. I don’t want that kind of relationship with you.”

“Your mane is so beautiful.”

“Too nice! Be meaner!” Snips whispered.

“I do not like you, Snails! We’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.” Scratch adopted a firmer, more serious tone.

“Huh? I don’t understand, Scratch. Did I do something wrong?” Snails started to look like a puppy who had just been kicked.

“Keep going! It‘s for the best!” Scratch took a deep breath as Snips encouraged her.

“I didn’t ask you out because I liked you! I… felt sorry for you, but you got the wrong idea. I’m sorry.” Scratch watched as the life seem to go out of Snails completely. He looked like he was on the verge of tears as he started to realize the truth.

“Oh… umm.. I just remembered I got to go do something!” Snails said getting up and escaping.

“Snails, I’m sorry!” Scratch shouted to him but he was already gone.

“He’ll be okay, Scratch. He just needs time.” Snips’ words didn’t make her feel any better.

“I guess. We still have some time. Let’s take a call. Go ahead, caller.” Scratch said.

“This is a courtesy call from Ponyville Hospital for one, Spike. It concerns the patient he submitted to our care a few days ago. Is he there?” Spike and Apple Bloom looked at each other as they knew this concerned a filly who was obsessed with him.

“Yes, I’m here.” Spike answered nervously.

“There was an incident with Miss Phoenix. She injured a doctor and escaped our custody. We’ve informed her family, but we thought we’d let you know considering your relationship.”

“Relationship? No, we were just friends.” Spike corrected her.

“She was quite explicit on that particular subject. She insisted you were her fiancé. I‘ll make a note of it and add it to her file. If she makes contact with you or you spot her, let us know immediately. She‘s volatile and prone to behavior that could harm others.”

“Yes, I will. Thank you for the warning.” Spike sighed.

“Have a nice day, sir.” The representative said ending the call.

“Well, that’s great.” Spike put his face in his palms and sighed. Ashley was on the loose and she’d no doubt come for him. How would she react about the fact that he basically had her committed? Would she approach him in public or bide her time till he was alone? He only knew she would come for him and the fact that he was dating Apple Bloom would not sit well with her.

“Spike? Why does Ashley think you’re getting married to her?” Apple Bloom looked at Spike with suspicious eyes. Spike just laughed it off and looked away.

“Heh, heh… Who knows? I think it’s time to end the show here. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. This is Guy Talk signing off.”

Author's Note

I did not like Season three's season finale. It felt like a rushed cheap effort for something that should have been much more drawn out. I hate to blame the show, but it was a big part of why I haven't uploaded anything lately. I seriously considered turning in my brony card over this one episode. I know it sounds like I'm being sensitive, but this is the first time I've ever felt this betrayed by a tv show or any form of media. I actually fear the coming of season four because I fear what corners they might cut or changes they might make in order to sell a bunch of toys. If they would press fast forward on Twilight becoming an alicorn, it means nothing is off limits. Nothing is forbidden, Everything is permitted in Equestria now. Be wary, people.

Anyway, the next guest is Alicorn Twilight so send in your questions.

Princess Anxiety

Guy Talk

Princess Anxiety

“I’m Snips!”

“I’m Snails!”

“And I’m Spike! This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. This is sort of a return to basics for the show. The last couple of episodes I was the one being objectified. I’m just happy that I’m no longer the focus of the show. Snails also has some news to share.”

“Yeah, you kind of ran out of here like some crybaby last time.” Snips pointed out.

“Lay off, Snips. Tell them the good news, big guy.” Scratch encouraged him.

“After the show, I ran into this filly and she recognized me. We started talking and we really hit it off. She even asked me to be her boyfriend. Can you believe it?” Snails said borderline giddy. Snips wasn’t so ecstatic.

“I don’t. Who is this filly? Why won‘t you introduce her to us?”

“She’s shy. She doesn’t really do well around new people.”

“Snips!” Scratch said glaring at him. The colt decided to back off lest he incur the wrath of Scratch. “That’s great, Snails. I’m glad you found somepony.”

“I actually wanted to apologize to you, Scratch. I got a little carried away last time and… made things awkward.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad everything worked out.”

“So what’s this filly like?” Spike asked.

“Her name’s Dusty. She has all black fur and yellow eyes. She’s not a fan of crowds or public places. I shouldn’t even be talking about her. She doesn‘t like that either.” He laughed.

“Wow! Dusty‘s sounds really shy.” Spike said amazed that their was a pony out there more bashful than Fluttershy.

“We talk about the show all the time. We even talked about that crazy filly who‘s after Spike.”

“What ever happened with that nutjob, Spike?” Snips asked.

“Ashley hasn’t been caught, but she also hasn’t tried to make contact. I can only guess where she is or what she’s planning, but I’m not really worried. My roommate is one of the most powerful ponies in existence. She couldn’t set a hoof near me even if she wanted.”

“You certainly don’t seem worried. Aren‘t you the least bit scared? I mean Twilight can‘t protect you all the time.” Scratch pointed out.

“She doesn’t have to.” Spike snapped his fingers and a team of royal guards burst in forming a tight circle around the dragon. The group consisted of several tough pegasi and unicorns wearing purple armor with Twilight’s cutie mark emblazoned on the surface.

“Spike, I told you not to these guards are not playthings. At ease, soldiers.” A voice said causing the soldier to about face and salute as the guest of honor entered the room. The alicorn entered the room with an almost natural grace

“Excuuuuuuse me, princess!” Spike said greeting Twilight.

“You’re dismissed,” She said sending the soldiers away before turning to Spike. “As for you, I don’t want anymore false alarms. They’re here for your protection, not so you can show off.”

“Your highness.” Snips said bowing along with Snails and Vinyl Scratch.

“You don’t have to bow. Honestly, it makes me very uncomfortable.”

“Spike said we had to, your majesty.” Snails said.

“I’m also guessing we don’t have to address you as ‘your majesty’ either?” Scratch asked.

“I thought I told you to stop telling people to act a certain way around me, Spike.”

“Princess Celestia said you had to get used to this sort of thing. I’m just helping out is all.”

“Then why don’t you bow or act differently around me?”

“I’m your roommate, Twi. Do you really want me to bow every time you come out of the bathroom?”

“I guess that would be kind of awkward.”

“Speaking of which, why am I still sleeping in a basket in your room when you have a castle full of empty bedrooms?”

“You don’t need that much space, Spike. Besides, it’d just be another room that needs to be cleaned up and it’s not really our home anyway. ”

“Apple Bloom has her own room! Do you know how embarrassing it is when I show her around this huge castle and I have to tell her I still sleep in a basket next to your bed?”

“Apple Bloom doesn’t care where you sleep and neither should you!”

“Whatever!” Spike said crossing his arms and turning away.

“Okay, so what’s it like suddenly gaining the ability to fly, Twilight?” Vinyl Scratch asked.

“Flying is pretty draining, especially when you get your wings well past foalhood. I have to practice flying just to get where most pegasus my age are. Once you get past the development issues, it’s a great way to get around.”

“Can you do any cool spells?” Snips asked.

“I actually learned one spell that would make a certain dragon I know very happy. I don‘t really know if I want to cast it though.”

“What kind of spell?” Spike asked slightly dropping his standoffish façade.

“A spell involving gems. I could cast it if a certain dragon would stop frowning.” Twilight said temptingly. Spike dropped his arms as his anger turned to curiosity at what Twilight’s new gem spell might be.

“Fine, what is it?” Spike asked licking his lips already.

“I need you to set something on fire first. Try this.” She said levitating a random sheet of paper for a target. Spike let out a small blast of fire catching the corner of the paper. Twilight zapped the flame immediately crystallizing the small heat source. The former flame fell onto the table with a thud as Spike squealed in joy.

“You have a spell that turns fire into gems! I thought you said it was impossible.” Spike said grabbing the little green flame shaped gem.

“When I was a unicorn, it was. Changing the physical properties of matter is a snap for my new form.”

“So you could turn stuff into other stuff?” Snips asked.

“Yep!”

“So you could turn stuff into fire?” Snails asked excitedly.

“Yeah, turn something into fire!” Snips told her.

“Spike could set something on fire. I could turn anything into anything.”

“Boo! Are you going to turn something into fire or what?” Snails said becoming impatient.

“Make with the fire already!” Snips added. Twilight just sighed and took the remainder of paper that hadn’t been turned and lit it for the two of them. The two of them just watched in amazement as the scrap of paper was reduced to ashes.

“Awesome!” They both said impressed by the display.

“I could do that when I was a unicorn, you know.”

“They’re easily impressed, Twi. Watch this.” Spike finished licking fingers of the recently devoured treat and blew a plume of flame that drew the same reaction as Twilight.

“Anyway, we have some questions from Equestria’s newest princess from your subjects. Are you ready?” Scratch asked.

“Of course, I’d be happy to answer any questions ponies might have about me, even though I‘m still kind of figuring this alicorn thing out myself.”

“Alright, we got two questions from Rodrigo, a longtime fan of the show. First question is about your new powers. Since you became an alicorn has your magic increased tenfold or do you have to build them up like a muscle and learn new spells that will surpass Celestia?”

“First of all, I’d like to say that I don’t really think I could ever surpass Celestia. She’s everything I aspire to be. If I actually surpassed her one day, I don’t know what I’d do with myself. Besides, it‘s been pretty challenging adjusting to an alicorn‘s power. The amount of magic I have access to now take a lot of skill and concentration to get used to. It‘s really hard to do simple spells without overdoing it.”

“Tell me about it. I remember you tried to pull a book off the shelf and it ended up going straight through the wall and into a pie across town. I don‘t know what ruined that book more, the wall or the blueberry filling?” The princess shot a look at her assistant for giving the details of a story she preferred to keep under wraps.

“Anyway, I’m much better at managing my magic now so it’s not an issue and no one has to tell any embarrassing stories about me.” She said glaring at Spike who put his claws and chuckled.

“Oops! How about that next question?” He shrugged nervously.

“Do you have any sexual kinks or fetishes?” Twilight blushed as she tried to maintain her calm composure.

“That’s kind of personal, but I can say that I honestly don’t have one.” Snips wasn’t buying it though.

“Everyone has something. I bet Spike might know.”

“Yeah, you must have noticed something, Spike.” Snails goaded the dragon.

“I don’t know if I call it a fetish, but ever since she became a alicorn, she has this spot on her back below her left wing that makes her-”

“Spike!” Twilight shouted blushing furiously.

“Come on, Twilight! I told you there’d be some tough questions.”

“You didn’t say you’d be revealing my personal information, Spike. I want your word that you won‘t reveal anything about me without my consent.”

“Fine, I won’t.” Spike said reluctantly.

“Alright, what’s the next question?” Twilight asked calming down.

“This next question is from Chocolatebunnyhunny. Why aren’t you letting Spike tap that flank?”

“Tap my flank? I don’t get it. Is that some sort of punishment game?”

“Forget about it! Next question, Scratch!” Spike shouted as Snips, Snails, and Scrratch snickered.

“Okay, but you better tell me what tapping my flank means later.” Twilight said.

“Yeah, Spike! Show her how to tap that flank.” Snips laughed.

“How about asking something a little more wholesome?” Spike sighed

“Alright, this one’s pretty wholesome and it’s from Dragonz’s Wrath. As a princess, have you received any marriage proposals?” Scratch asked. Almost immediately Spike burst into an uproarious fit of laughter. Twilight quickly used her magic to zip Spike’s mouth shut, but the dragon was still laughing even with his mouth forcibly shut.

“I have received a proposal, but it’s really no big deal. I turned him down and that’s the end of it.” Twilight said. The magic zipper on Spike’s mouth broke open as Spike literally fell out of his chair and rolled on the floor laughing.

“I think I’m going to bust a gut!” Spike said clutching his sides.

“Alright, Spike! You got to tell us what’s so funny.” Scratch said.

“Spike, you are not to tell them anything. You hear me!” Twilight told him.

“You can’t just laugh like that and not explain why. Come on, Spike!” Snails urged him.

“I’m sorry, Twi. I got to tell them before I die laughing. You guys know Prince Blueblood, right?” Spike said wiping a tear from his eye.

“Octavia told me about him. She says his horn’s so far up his hindquarters that the Royal Pony Sisters couldn’t pull it out. He proposed to Twilight?”

“You bet he did and it had to be the most pretentious proposal in the history of wedding proposals. I swear it was like he thought he was doing her a favor by asking for her hoof in marriage. Let me see if I can remember it.” Spike coughed before he started speaking in a tone that was dripping with self importance.

“Dearest Princess Sparkle! I’ve come to rescue from a life of loneliness and whisk you away on journey of beauty and romance. Please give me your hoof and allow me to make you the happiest mare in all of Equestria.” Scratch, Snips, and Snails all burst in to laughter at Spike’s over the top performance.

“A life of loneliness! He couldn‘t be that dramatic!” Snips laughed.

“What crappy romance novel did he pull that cheesy line from?” Scratch chuckled uncontrollably.

“It gets worse. Twilight turns him down obviously, but he doesn’t give up. That’s when he gives the lamest reason ever for why she should marry him.” Spike got on his knees and pretended to beg in front of Twilight.

“Please reconsider, Princess Sparkle! With my incredible good looks and your… err… power, we could beat out Shining Armor and Princess Cadence for most powerful couple in all of Equestria. I could finally make Cadence pay for picking that boorish lout of a captain over me.”

“Did he seriously insult your brother?” Scratch asked.

“In his defense, he didn’t know we were related at all. In fact, he didn’t really know much about me at all. He thought I got my cutie mark for friendship and he didn’t even know I studied under Celestia until I brought it up.”

“So what happened next?” Snips asked.

“Well, she turned him down again and that’s when things got really good. Apparently, Prince Blueblood doesn’t take rejection well because he flips out.”

“Do you know who I am? I’m the most eligible bachelor in all of Equestria. I look in the mirror for hours at a time admiring how gorgeous I am. I’m so into myself that I make Trixie seem modest. I‘d marry myself if it was physically possible. Blah, blah.. I‘m so great.” Spike mimicked the whiny suitor’s weak case.

“After that I decided it was time for him to leave, so I asked him to leave and that only made it worse.” Twilight said.

“At this point, he stops talking about himself and basically goes after Twilight. He starts calling her nothing special and that he was only even asking because she was alicorn. It‘s like he doesn‘t even know Twilight could send him to the moon without the slightest effort.”

“So what’d you do?” Snips asked.

“She pulls his tail of his jacket over his head and through his horn. She drags him out of the castle by his coat in front of everypony. All the while, Blueblood was complaining about his clothes and mane being ruined. She took him all the way to the door and threw him out like the bum he was.” Spike recounted with great glee.

“I’ll make you pay for this, Princess Sparkle. You haven’t heard the last of me.” Spike reenacted Blueblood’s pathetic last words before he ran from the caste with his tail between his leg.

“In retrospect, I feel I didn’t handle the situation as well as I could have.” Twilight sighed. Scratch just laughed.

“What are you talking about? If it were me, he would have had way more to complain about than a ruined mane and a destroyed coat. Besides, he totally deserved it.”

“I know, but I’m a princess now. I should have held myself to a higher standard. I owe him an apology.”

“Are you serious, Twi? He deserved everything he got and then some. As far as I‘m concerned, he can burn-” Spike was interrupted by a huge explosion from the hallway. One of the guards pushed open the door and stumbled in. His purple armor was cracked and scorched as he fell to the floor.

“We couldn’t stop her, your highness. Forgive us.” He said fainting as the shadowy figure of a filly stood in the doorway.

“Dusty?” Snails said as the filly stood there with a smile on her face.

“Umm.. How did your girlfriend just beat up a four royal guards?” Snips asked.

“Because I’m not his girlfriend and Dusty doesn’t exist. I made her up so I could get close to Spike.” The filly’s black fur started to evaporate as her body became engulfed in flames. The flames faded away revealing a yellow filly with her eyes set on Spike.

“Ashley!” Spike said as terror filled his heart. The filly sighed as she laid eyes on Spike.

“Spike! I’m sorry I couldn’t get you help, but I’m glad you’re okay.” The filly’s smile seem to fall away as a scarier expression took over. “The people at the hospital lied. They said you had me committed and that you weren‘t injured at all.”

Her voice lacked any sort of emotion as she spoke. She only looked down for a second before popping her had back up and smiling again. Spike felt chills from the way she looked at him.

“So you singed the edge of your fur using magic to turn it black. It’s a pretty impressive trick, but it’s over now. Stand down, Ashley!” Twilight said standing in front of Spike. If the filly was scared of an alicorn, it didn’t register at all as she continued to address Spike.

“I never believed them, Spike. Even when they played the recording of your call, I knew it was fake! I never gave up on us! Spike, I-” Ashley took a step forward and found herself blocked by a magical force field.

“I won’t ask again, Ashley! Stand down!” Twilight shouted. Ashley continued to look through her and at Spike.

“Spike, tell her to stop. Tell her that we belong together!” She said putting a hoof on the barrier trying to reach out to him. Spike stepped out of Twiight’s shadow and looked at her. He couldn’t hide from the truth from her any longer.

“Ashley, we need to talk.”

“About what?” She said as Spike took a deep breath.

“A long time ago I promised you’d that we’d always be together, but I was so young at the time that I didn’t think about what I was saying… or how it might affect you.”

“W-what are you talking about, Spike? You‘re the best thing to ever happen to me! Your promise got me through some dark times. It was the only thing I had when things got bad. When my parents would pressure me, you were all I clung to.”

“We were so young when you told me and I wanted to make you happy so I made a promise. A promise I couldn‘t possibly keep.”

“What are you saying, Spike? You told me we’d be together… that’d everything would be okay.” Ashley looked like she was barely holding it together. She was visibly shaking with an emotion and one of her eyes had a slight twitch. Spike knew she was coming apart. Whatever thin thread of hope, he had given her was about to snap and he would be the one to cut it.

“We had some good times back then, but I’ve moved on and you should too.” Spike told her, and for a moment, everything seemed to go quiet. Ashley didn’t react at all. She just looked down . Her red and yellow mane obscuring her face. Spike was about to call out to her when she suddenly started to laugh.

It startled off as a bit of chuckling at first. The filly stepped back from the shield as her mane starting to rise into the air. Suddenly, her laughter stopped as she stared at Spike with a look that could have pierced the steeliest of dragons.

“I won’t move on. We will be together, Spike. If it means we have to be a pile of ash, so be it. We will burn together, my love!” She shouted as an explosion of magic energy emanated from her body blowing Twilight’s shield to pieces. The filly’s entire body was burning as if it were the sun itself.

Everyone in the studio was knocked against the wall of the recording booth. Spike and Twilight had been pinned under the unconscious guard who was thrown back as well. Snips was out of it as well. Besides Scratch who was in the booth, Snails was the only one who wasn’t knocked unconscious by the explosion.

“Guys, are you alright?” The deejay shouted from behind the glass.

“I’m okay, but everyone else is out.” Snails said rubbing his head.

“Okay, we need to find a way out of here!” Scratch said trying to formulate a plan, but it was easier said than done. She couldn’t teleport and the only exit was blocked by a living, breathing pony inferno intent on barbecuing everyone in the room. There was also the matter of carrying a royal guard, an alicorn, a baby dragon, and a colt out of here. Scratch was running out of ideas when she saw Snails walking towards the filly.

“What are you doing?” She cried out to him.

“I.. I think I can reason with her.” Snails said looking forward with his hoof blocking the intense heat.

“Are you crazy, Snails?”

“What other options do we have? Besides, I think I understand her.” Scratch hated sending Snails in, but the alternative was waiting for Ashley to fricassee us.

“Fine! Just be careful!” Scratch gave her blessing as Snails walked forward.

“Ashley, I get it!” Snails shouted.

“You don’t understand me! No one understands!” The flames fluctuated wildly lashing the table clean in half. Snails remained undeterred though as she continued to destroy everything around her.

“It hurts! You feel like your hearts shattered into a million pieces. You wonder if you can ever be happy again. I felt the same way,” Snails looked up to see a tendril of flame coming towards him. “before I met you!” He cried out causing her to stop just short of splitting him from horn to tail.

“Explain.” She said as her blind rage was overtaken by curiosity.

“Remember when we met? I was totally heartbroken too, but then I met you.”

“But I lied. Are you saying you hate me!” She said preparing to strike him down again.

“No! I mean… maybe a little, but I realized something!” Snails said cowering in fear.

“Realized what?” She said holding her fiery attack inches from his face.

“That no matter how many times I get my heartbroken, it’s being in love that makes it all worth it. I know it may not seem like it, but the way I felt about Scratch and you was something I’d never want to take back. Even I get hurt a million times, I’ll always treasure that feeling I had when I was with you.” Snails said staying down. The filly walked over to the trembling colt. Her aura of burning fury was close enough that Snails could feel it singing his fur.

“Stand up.”

“Huh?”

“I said stand up!” She shouted as her temper flared dangerously close to his face. Snails jumped up and stood at attention to face the filly who seemed to be appraising him. “Did you really mean all those things about treasuring what we had and never wanting to take it back?”

“Y-yeah, I totally did.”

“If I’m being honest, pretending to be your girlfriend was just a way for me to hideout and get close to Spike, but it was nice to know that someone was actually looking out for me.” She said as the fire around her started to dissipate.

“Aww, it was no big deal. I mean bringing you food and telling you about what was going on outside was pretty fun for me too.” Snails admitted. Ashley took a step closer to him.

“I want to apologize for my behavior. You’ve been nothing but nice and understanding to me. I haven‘t been very nice to you at all. I was wondering if you weren‘t too mad at me… maybe we could give it another shot… for real this time.” She asked blushing a bit.

“Really? You mean it?” Snails asked incredulously.

“If you’ll have me.”

“Of course, I will!” Snails nodded.

“Oh, Snails! I think this the start of something really special.” Ashley said leaning forward.

“Me too!” Snails said closing his eyes and preparing for his first kiss. After a few seconds of waiting, Snails opened his eyes to find Ashley on the floor unconscious, a dart with red tip sticking out of her flank. Before he could look up, a team of guards had started to file into the room.

“Put out any remaining fires and assist the injured, I’ll take the firestarter into custody.” The commanding guard said slapping a pair of cuffs on Ashley.

“B-but,” Snails stuttered.

“Good job, kid! With all that fire, we couldn’t get a clear shot. Nice work, Bullseye!” He said waving to a pony holding a small crossbow.

“Wh-what’ll happen to her?” Snails asked anxiously.

“If it were up to me, I’d throw her in the deepest, darkest dungeon and throw away the key for assaulting Princess Twilight, but considering her mental history, they’ll probably give her a slap on the wrist. I’d say she’s looking at a least ten years in a maximum security asylum. With good behavior, she might be out in five.”

“Sn- Snails…” Ashley said weakly.

“Huh? You’re still up. There was enough tranquilizer in that dart to take down a minotaur. Well, it’s not like you can hurt anyone now. Come along quietly.” The stallion said preparing to take her in, but Snails jumped in between them.

“No, I won’t let you take her!” Snails shouted. The guard dropped his happy go lucky attitude and stared at the colt with a thin expression of barely concealed anger.

“I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just do that. Now be a good little colt and stand aside!”

Snails was too scared to speak as the soldier took a menacing step forward. He was frightened out of his mind and he knew they had every right to take her away but he wasn’t going to just let it end with them carrying her off. The guard was standing face to face with the colt now and more enraged than ever at his disobedience. He was about to raise his hoof to put an end to this pathetic display when he found himself interrupted by a white unicorn hugging him.

“Oh, I was so scared! Thank you for saving us, sir!” The guard blushed at the unexpected praise.

“Well, it was nothing, ma’am. Glad to help!”

“So modest and strong too! I bet you get all the girls.” Scratch winked at Snails as the guard ate up the attention.

“I do alright.” He laughed boisterously.

“Why don’t we talk somewhere else for awhile? I don’t think she’s going anywhere.” Scratch said pulling him away and giving them some privacy. Snails knew he didn’t have long and silently thanked Scratch for running interference for him.

“Snails, it looks… like I’m going away for awhile.” She said fighting to stay awake. Snails turned and knelt down next to her.

“I know.”

“Before I go, I’d like to get that kiss. I‘ve never kissed anyone so it‘d be nice…. if it were you.” The filly could barely lift her head and was fading fast. Snails had to act fast. He carefully wrapped his hooves the back of her head and slowly lifted her head up to his till their lips met. Snails had never felt anything softer or warmer at any point in his life. He started to tear up as he pulled back.

“Thank… you, Snails.” She said finally succumbing to the effect of the tranquilizer. A look of serenity fell across her face as Snails carefully lay her on the floor. He stepped back as the guard from before walked back over.

“Well, I should be on my way, but if you’re ever in Canterlot, look me up.” He said smiling at Scratch as he picked up the tiny prisoner and slung her over his back. Snails was too busy watching her being carried away to notice Scratch rejoin him.

“Hey, everyone is going to be okay! I talked with the guard and he told me no one suffered any serious injuries. It‘s all thanks to you, big guy.” Scratch informed him.

“Yeah, that’s good.” Snails said just staring at the doorway.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“I guess.” He sighed.

“How about we go get that ice cream?” Snails was quiet for a moment before answering.

“Can I get a triple scoop?”

“You can have as many scoops as you want, big guy!”

“Don’t we have to end the show though?”

“I forgot we’re still on the air. How about you do it this time?”

“Really? I never ended the show before.”

“First time for everything. Give it a shot!”

“I’d like to… say I’m sorry for entertaining everypony… and umm… you’re welcome. This is Snails and Guy Talk signing off. How was that?”

“Ehh… close enough. Let’s go”

Lost Innocence

Guy Talk

Lost Innocence

Episode 12

“I’m Snails.”

“I’m Snips.”

“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them. Today, we have a lot to talk about, but I’d like to thank Snails for saving our tails.”

“Aww, it was nothing.”

“Don’t thank him! He doesn‘t deserve anymore thanks.” Snips said pointing a hoof at his friend.

“You should be thanking him too! If it weren’t for Snails, you’d be extra crispy!” Scratch pointed out.

“I could have done that! If only I hadn’t gotten knocked out, I’d be the one with fillies hitting on me.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked.

“I’m talking about all the attention he’s been getting from fillies. It was one thing when they ignored both of us, but now they walk up to both of us and act like I don‘t exist.”

“Snails’ popularity has really skyrocketed since the last episode. With Spike dating Apple Bloom, he might overtake Spike as the most popular character on the show.”

“Wait a second! I got less popular when I started dating Apple Bloom. How’d that happen?”

“Your availability was part of your charm, Spike. Dating Apple Bloom took you off the market and now they have to look elsewhere.” Scratch explained.

“I was supposed to get all that attention. What’s he got that I don’t?” Snips whined.

“Standards.” Spike pointed out.

“Height.” Scratch added.

“Alright, I get it! We’re different! Tell me why fillies like him more than me.” Scratch decided to fill him in.

“Snails is sensitive, and you’re… ” The mare paused for a moment trying to find the right way to let him know. “Umm… just different.” She laughed.

“What’s that supposed to mean? I don‘t get it.” Spike decided to clear up the confusion.

“I think what Scratch is trying to say is you can be a bit of an insensitive jerk at times.”

“When have I ever acted like an insensitive jerk?” Everyone just stared at him for a few seconds.

“Are you serious?” Snails asked.

“We really shouldn’t be surprised by this. He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.”

“What are you guys talking about?”

“You remember Lucy, Snips?” Scratch said trying to jog his memory.

“Yeah, of course I do. What’s she got to do with this though?” Snips said rubbing his chin.

“I told you. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what happened.” Spike reiterated.

“Can someone tell me what I’m missing?”

“Do you know what a sociopath is, Snips?” Scratch asked.

“Isn’t that like a crazy pony? I‘m not crazy!”

“Nobody’s calling you crazy, Snips. It’s just that we think that you have an inability to notice other people’s feeling sometimes.” Spike pointed out.

“Notice other people’s feelings? What‘s that supposed to mean?”

“Didn’t you feel kind of bad for Lucy when you broke up with her?” Snails asked.

“Not really. I mean it sucked that she had to get all emotional and hit me, but I can’t complain since I got laid at the end.” Spike decided to just level with him.

“Girls like it when you consider their feelings, Snips. Do you understand what I’m saying?” Spike explained.

“I did consider her feelings. They were part of my plan, remember?”

“I think you should consider a filly’s feelings as more than a way to get something you want.” Snails explained.

“That doesn‘t make any sense.”

“Just do something to make her happy and not because it might get you laid.” Spike told him.

“Why would I do that if I didn‘t want sex?”

“It shows her you actually care about her feelings. Fillies dig that kind of thing.” Scratch’s word gave the colt something to think about.

“Okay, I guess, but how do I do that?”

“Do something that let’s her know sex isn’t all you’re after. Apple Bloom wants to wait till she’s married to have sex. I’m not exactly thrilled about it, but I agreed with it because I care about her.”

“What! That’s crazy! I‘m not doing that.”

“It’s just an example. You just have to do something out of the kindness of your heart and for no other reason. Pretend like Scratch is an innocent filly and just try to be nice.” Spike advised him.

“What do you mean pretend? I have the heart of an innocent filly and that’s what counts.”

“Really?” Spike cocked an eyebrow at the mare.

“Mostly innocent… kind of innocent?” Spike just stared until she decided to prove him wrong. “Fine! I‘ll show you the power of my maiden heart!”

“Remember it’s not about sex. Just try to be nice.” Snails reminded him.

“Hey, baby! I like that wild, unkempt thing you got going on with your mane. It‘s so cool that you don‘t care how you look.”

“What’s wrong with my mane?” Scratch said seriously concerned about her look.

“You’re supposed to be nice, Snips! Why were you insulting her?” Spike asked.

“I was being nice!”

“If that’s your nice, I hate to see your mean.” Spike sighed.

“Why don’t you try then?” Snips said putting the dragon on the spot.

“I’m… uhhh… in a relationship I can’t.” Spike said nervously scratching his head.

“Aha! You can’t because you don’t know how to hit on girls!” Snips accused him.

“B-but I have a girlfriend!”

“Who you didn’t pick up I might add! Go on and show us your moves then.” Snips dared him.

“Fine, I-I’ll show you!”

“Guys, you like my mane, right?”

“Your mane is beautiful, Scratch. It makes you look very cool.” Spike told her.

“Really? You mean it?” She said playing with her mane a bit. Spike was beginning to think she was taking this innocent thing way too serious.

“Yeah, so do you maybe… want do something later?”

“You mean like with a kiss at the end?” She said fiddling with her hooves and occasionally looking in Spike’s direction.

“You know what I mean, Scratch. Quit playing and just answer the question.” Spike was becoming a little freaked out by her little act.

“This is all happening so fast! Before you know it, we’ll have a white picket fence and a house full of babies.” She giggled. Spike was thoroughly disturbed now and decided to put an end to it.

“Alright, we get it! You’re very innocent. Now quit acting like that!”

“Are we having our first fight as a couple? This is so incredible! I can’t believe I’m having a fight with my first boyfriend ever.”

“I’m serious, Scratch! Give it a rest!” Spike’s voice had an edge to it that made the mare visibly flinch. She looked at him with an almost pained expression that could have melted the coldest heart.

“Why are you treating me like this? I thought you liked me.” She whimpered.

“That’s enough! You know I have a girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend, b-but I thought we had something special. Oh, how could you do this to me, Spike?” She said as she started to sob into her hooves.

“I’m not going along with this.” The dragon said turning away.

“Two timing, Spike? Really?” Snails said shaking his head.

“I don’t blame him. Apple Bloom’s not putting out and he’s got his own needs.” Snips signaled his approval by nodding.

“Not you guys too!”

“Is that what I was, Spike? A beautiful, naïve filly you could string along till you got what you really wanted.” She said as she looked at him. “The sad thing is… I still hope that you might feel something for me. Something more than the animalistic lust that drove you to pursue me.” She played up the drama so much that Rarity might have had her dial her back. Spike just crossed his arms and glared at her.

“Are you done yet?” He asked in annoyed voice.

“They say love makes fools of us all, but…. I feel like I’m the only fool here.” She said looking off into a empty corner. “I always remember those fairy tales about princesses getting kidnapped by evil dragons. I must be a pretty terrible princess if my dragon doesn’t even want me.” She said as she started to sob again.

“Your performance would be a lot more believable if you had… Oh, I don’t know…. actual tears!” Spike pointed out. She quickly levitated a tissue to over her face and began to cry even louder.

“Why are you so cruel, Spike? I only want you to kidnap me! Is that so wrong?”

“Yeah, it’s a crime! It’s called kidnapping.”

“Just do it, Spike! It’ll make her feel better.” Snails shouted.

“Yeah, just kidnap her a little. You’d kidnap Apple Bloom if she asked you too.” Snips added.

“What? N-No, I wouldn’t. Besides, dragons have this thing about kidnapping. It’s complicated.” Spike said nervously looking down and twiddling his fingers.

“What kind of thing?” Snips asked.

“It’s just… dragons take kidnapping very serious, okay! It‘s a genetic thing. I don‘t want to talk about it.”

“How serious?” Snails wondered aloud.

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Okay, I got to see this!” Scratch said breaking her character.

“I-I don’t know about this, guys. I did this with Twilight as a game and I got really weird. We just never did it again.”

“Snips take over in the booth.” Scratch said hopping out of her chair and entering the studio.

“Guys, this is a really bad idea. You’re playing with fire. Please do not do this!” Spike said as Scratch approached him and held out a hoof.

“I want you to kidnap me! Go on!” She said holding her hoof. Spike tried to look away but he couldn’t avert his gaze.

“Please…. I really … I real… I…” Spike went quiet for a few seconds as he just stared at her hoof.

“Spike? Are you going to kidnap-” She was interrupted when Spike suddenly grabbed her hoof. “Whoa! You’re being kind of forceful, but it’s pretty interesting- Ow! Your grip is getting a little tight, Spike! Maybe let up a little bit. This is just pretend.”

“Pretend? Who’s pretending, princess?” Spike said as he clutched her hoof even tighter. His claws were starting to dig a bit and it was freaking Scratch out. She tried to pull away but Spike wouldn’t let go.

“Heh heh! Very funny! You got me! Now stop it. You’re hurting me, Spike.” She said starting to panic. As Spike looked up, she saw his eyes had changed from green to bright yellow. It was like looking at an entirely different creature.

“You’re not going anywhere, princess! We gotta wedding to get too! Ours to be exact! Muwahahahaha!” He laughed maniacally.

“Let her go!” Snails jumped up.

“This is not cool, dude!” Snips shouted from the booth. The dragon turned and looked at the two.

“I’ll never let you bumbling heroes take her from me.” Spike said launching a fireball that hit the glass partition with a thud. Snips and Snails dove for cover started to breathe fire everywhere.

“Stop it, Spike! You’re going to hurt somepony!” Scratch said still unable to free herself from Spike’s grip. It wasn’t so much that Spike was so strong she couldn’t break free. She just didn’t want to have to sling him across the room to get free.

“Don’t worry my precious princess! Once we get to my castle, you will be all mine, my innocent little peach.”

“Spike, I’m not a princess and you don’t have a castle.” He stopped

“What are you saying? You’re the innocent, pure princess who will become my bride!”

“I’m not innocent, Spike! You don’t want me as your bride.”

“What do you mean? You said you were innocent!” He snarled as fire came out.

“I-I’m not. I drink straight from the carton. I always eat everything in the fridge even if Octavia is saving it. I borrow her clothes all the time without asking. I play my music at odd hours of the night. I’m not innocent or a princess! You don’t want me as your bride!”

“Ha! I knew you weren’t innocent.” Spike laughed as he let go of her hoof.

“What? I thought you were..” Scratch noticed his eyes weren’t yellow and he wasn’t speaking in a menacing tone anymore.

“Getting you back for always messing with me? You bet I was!” The mare gave him a playful jab to the shoulder.

“You little weasel! Did you really made all that up?”

“Yep.” He said proudly.

“But your eyes were all crazy and stuff.” Snips said.

“I can do that whenever I want. Check it?” He said making his eyes change from green to a glowing yellow.

“What about all that fire?” Snails asked.

“They made everything fire retardant since the last episode. Nothing‘s going to burn in here.”

“Well, we’re about out of time, guys. Any last thoughts?” Scratch asked.

“I got something I want to ask Spike.” Snips said.

“You want to ask me something? Go ahead, I guess.”

“How did the fact that Apple Bloom wanted to wait till marriage come up?” He asked with a sly smile. The dragon nearly jumped out of his scales at the inquiry.

“It just came up, you know.” Spike chuckled halfheartedly.

“No way! I bet you tried something and she totally shut you down!” Snips guessed. Spike faked a cough and quickly changed the subject.

“Well, I guess we ought to end the show. I’d like to thank and-”

“Is that true, Spike?” Snails asked but Spike continued to talk over him as he started to sweat.

“Apologize to everyone who listened to this.”

“I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk-”

“You got to explain this one!” Scratch said.

“Signing off!” Spike said running out of the booth as everyone else gave chase.

Author's Note

Substituting for Vinyl Scratch, Octavia will be the guest producer for the next episode. If you have any questions for our guest producer, you know where to send them.

All Access Octavia

Guy Talk

All Access Octavia

Episode 13

“Are we on the air?” She asked confused.

“Yeah, Octavia. We’ll take it from here.” Spike explained.

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify women in a society dominated by them for entertainment. We have a specila guest producer sitting in for Vinyl Scratch who’s out with magic flu. Let’s all give a warm welcome to Octavia.” Snips and Snail hooted as Spike applauded.

“Thank you for allowing me to work with you. I may not be as experienced as Vinyl Scratch, but I hope you will bear with me as I try to meet her expectations.” She said leaving them all kind of speechless.

“Did we really ever expect anything from Vinyl Scratch?” Snails wondered aloud.

“Not really. She always kind of showed up and did her own thing, which was mostly embarrassing Spike.” Snips pointed out.

“Yeah, that’s it! Octavia embarrass Spike.” Snails told her.

“Why would I do such a thing? He seems like such a nice young dragon.”

“Because it’s funny and cool.” Snips said.

“Don’t listen to them, Octavia. You don’t have to embarrass anyone.”

“I have to say I don’t approve much of Vinyl Scratch’s behavior. I think we’ll have a long discussion about her bullying when I get home.”

“Aww, you’re so uptight. Scratch was right about you.” Snips lamented loudly.

“What? I’m uptight! She’s the one who’s always gallivanting around expecting everypony else to clean up her messes. If she sees acting one‘s own age and taking responsibility as uptight, she‘s the one who needs to get her priorities straight.” Thee mare continued to mumble to herself as they decided to change subjects.

“So how are things with Apple Bloom, Spike? I asked her in class and she got all flustered.” Snails asked.

“Rumors are starting to get around, buddy. You might want to get the truth out there before things get messy.” Snips chuckled.

“I guess I don’t have a choice, but it’s nothing special. It’s just we were making out and rolling around. All of a sudden I got this boner and it poked her. Now things are all weird between us. The last couple of times we met we can‘t even kiss cause of… you know. The bad thing is I‘m not sure I want to wait anymore which is something we both agreed on.”

“Pardon me, but aren’t you all just a little to young to be in relationships? I mean you‘re all still in school, yes? Wouldn‘t it be more prudent to complete your education and then pursue a romantic relationship when you‘re more mature?” The three of them stared at Octavia as if she had spoken an entirely different language.

“Are you serious?” Snips asked.

“I’m being quite serious. I’m sure Vinyl Scratch would agree. Surely, she can’t possibly condone dating at your age.”

“Actually, she set Snips and Spike up on dates.”

“Yep, I even got laid.”

“What? I know Vinyl Scratch has been irresponsible in the past, but encouraging fornication amongst such impressionable minds. She‘s gone too far. I‘m calling her this instant!” She said reaching for the phone

“Dude, she has got to go.” Snips whispered.

“She’s seriously cramping our style. It’s like I’m in class with Miss Cheerilee.”

“Come on, guys! It’s only one episode. Let‘s just give it a break.” Spike said trying to calm them down.

“She isn‘t answering. I guess I should let her sleep, but I‘m so furious right now. We’re supposed to be role models for a younger generation. It‘s one thing when her selfish actions affect me, but she‘s ruining your young minds with smut.”

“How about you? When did you start dating?” Snips asked. She look taken aback by the sudden inquiry.

“Me? Well, I don’t see how that’s important. Whatever happened in my past is irrelevant, I am my own mare capable of making my own decisions.”

“So what? As long as we grow up, it doesn’t matter what we do now.” Snips shot back.

“Th-That’s not what I said. I merely meant that you’ll understand once you’re older.” Snips scoffed at her explanation.

“Psh! You’re just a hypocrite. Say what you will about Vinyl Scratch, but at least, she has the decency to let us make our own decisions before judging us. You won‘t even tell us when you started dating. How are we supposed to follow your example when you won‘t even tell us the slightest details about your love life?” Snips snapped. Octavia was left speechless from the young colt’s tirade. She hated to admit it but his words were quite true.

“Hmph! I suppose you’re more mature than I originally gave you credit for. If you must know, I was quite naïve as young filly. I fell in love on several different occasions and always got hurt because of it. Had I been more mature and worldly I could have avoided a lot of heartache in my youth. ”

“How naïve were you?” Snails asked.

“It didn’t take much. A smile, wink, or any kind gesture was enough to make me fall head over hooves unfortunately. I was a perfect mixture of relentless romanticism and overwhelming optimism.”

“If only I’d have been born back then,” Snips said.

“And a whole generation of mares breathes a sigh of relief that you weren‘t, pal..” Spike joked eliciting laughs from everyone except Snips.

“Haha, very funny.” Snips quipped sarcastically.

“I feel as though I owe you all an apology. I realize now that love isn’t something that one can just become better at with age. It takes experience and understanding. I’m sure the things you boys are learning will only make you better people as time goes on.”

“She really doesn’t know that much about Snips.” Snails whispered to Spike.

“I know. Just play it cool for now. She doesn‘t need to know what kind of guy Snips is anyway.” He whispered back.

“So let’s get to the questions?” Snips announced.

“Oh, I have them right here. Shall I pick one out?”

“Go for it.” Spike told her.

“Hmm… Let’s see what we have…. here?” Octavia turned bright red as she looked at the letter.

“What’s wrong? Read the question.” Spike said curious about her sudden silence.

“This question is intensely personal and its in direct relation to my life with Vinyl Scratch.”

“Of course, Vinyl Scratch answers stuff like that all the time.” Spike explained much to the earth pony horror.

“You mean she just airs our dirty laundry on the radio for all of Ponyville.” Her voice cracking.

“What? Of course not!” Snips said causing her to sigh.

“Oh, thank Celestia!”

“We’re syndicated! We broadcast all over Equestria not just Ponyville. Isn‘t that great?” Snails said causing the earth pony’s face to go completely blank.

“Syndicated….. That’s simply wonderful.” She chuckled. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to faint right now.” She said hitting the floor. The three of them jumped out their chairs and ran to her side.

“Is she okay?” Snails asked.

“She’s just unconscious, but what’ll we do when she wakes up? She’s not going to answer any questions on the air.” Snips wondered aloud.

“Well, what if she didn’t know we were on the air?” Spike said rubbing his chin.

“What are you talking about?” Snails asked.

“She’s new. She didn’t even know we were on the air at the beginning of the show. If we just pretend we ended the show before she wakes up, we could get her to answer a few questions.”

“That’s genius.” Snips agreed.

“Uh-oh! She’s waking up.” Snails noticed.

“Let’s get back in our chairs and remember the show’s over.” Spike winked. The two colts nodded as they all ran back to their chairs. Octavia sat up and looked around.

“I’m sorry about that. The shock of it all just hit me.”

“Don’t worry about it. The show’s over.” Spike said playing it cool.

“It is?”

“Yeah, so you can answer any questions or whatever you want!” Snails said playing it not so cool. Snips and Spike shot him angry looks that caused him to flinch as Octavia looked on confused.

“Hmm?”

“I think Snails was just curious about the question.” Snips told her.

“Oh, it was from Fatman333. He asked why Scratch and I aren’t into threesomes among other things. Can you believe somepony would ask something so personal?”

“I.. uhhh… remember her mentioning that. What was that all about?” Spike said shrugging his shoulders.

“First of all, Vinyl Scratch wouldn’t stop at one pony. If I let her have a threesome, she’ll want to add another and another until we’re hosting nightly orgies. Besides, even if I thought she could control herself which she can’t, I don’t trust her taste in ponies. I’ve met some of the ponies she hangs out with and I can hardly stand to be around them, let alone allow them into our bed. I also have to set boundaries. You wouldn‘t believe the things she convinced me to try. Adding another pony would only give her more strange ideas.”

“Like what?” Snips asked.

“I won’t go into details. You may be old enough to date, but you certainly aren’t old enough to hear some of the things she came up with. I should be going anyway. I told Vinyl Scratch I‘d check on her after the show.”

“W-wait a second! How about answering another letter? You know just for laughs.” Spike laughed nervously.

“Yeah, how about it?” Snips chuckled.

“It’s not like we’re on the air or anything!” Snails said once again receiving glares from his friends.

“W-wait a minute! Are we still on the air?” She said panicking.

“Do you think she’s going to pass out again?” Snips asked.

“You evil little miscreants!” She said looking at them with fire in her eyes.

“I don’t think so! I’d like to thank and apologizetoeveryonewholistenedthis. GuyTalksigningoff.” The dragon rattled off as the trio made their escape.

“Come back here, you little monsters!” Octavia shouted as she gave chase.

Author's Note

Next Week's Update: Chronos Sexual Revolution

Return of the Scratch

Guy Talk
Return of the Scratch
Episode 14

"I'm Snips."

"I'm Snails."

"And I'm-"

"Vinyl Scratch is back and ready to rock, Equestria! If you missed Princess Scratch, give me a hay yeah!"

"Hay yeah!" Snips and Snails shouted.

"What was that? Put some feeling into it, guys!"

"HAY YEAH!" The colts shouted at the top their lungs.

"That's better, but I think someone out there isn't participating." She said looking at a very crossed dragon.

"Do it with us, Spike!" Snails said.

"Yeah, join in for once!" Snips added.

"I'm glad you're back, but maybe dial it back a bit. Weren't you really sick a week ago?"

"No way! I'm super pumped to be back. Besides, I'm happy to be out of the house. My better half has been on a bit of a rampage recently."

"She's still mad at us, huh?" Snips chuckled.

"You mean those 'vile little delinquents who are a bad influence on me'."

"We're a bad influence on you?" Spike said unable to wrap his head around the idea.

"Yeah, I think that's the first time she said that about anyone."

"Does she hate us?" Snails asked.

"Octavia? She doesn't hate anyone, especially you guys. She'd never admit it, but she had a lot of fun."

"How would you know?" Spike wondered aloud.

"Because of the way she turns her head."

"Huh?" The trio said confused by her answer.

"It's like this. You know how she turns her head when she's all offended and stuff, right?"

"Yeah, I could totally see her doing that a lot." Snips said.

"Sometimes, she fakes it."

"Fakes it? Why would she do that?" Snails asked.

"She can't just straight up enjoy something if it's not all prim and proper so she'll turn her head away and act all disgusted. However, there are times when she turns her head further than others because she's actually smiling and doesn't want to show it."

"Wow! How do you know that?" Spike wondered.

"Yep, she does the same thing when she talks about you guys and when we do some of those things she supposedly 'hates' in bed. So how are things between you and Apple Bloom? I heard there was trouble in paradise."

"Everything's cool now. We're just not going to get wrapped up when we kiss. We've got rules so I don't get too excited."

"Rules for kissing?" Snails said slightly confused.

"I swear you two have the most boring relationship ever." Snips yawned.

"I'm sorry if Apple Bloom and I aren't hopping into the sack fast enough for you. Our relationship means more than a quick romp." The colt just waved off his words.

"I'm not saying bang her and leave, just do it already instead of dancing around it. She wants it and you definitely want it. It's only as big of a deal as you make it."

"What are these rules?" Scratch asked.

"No touching or hugging while kissing. No kisses that last more than five seconds. Three if there's tongue involved. A session lasts no more than three minutes at a time. Also thirty minutes has to pass before each session."

"Really?" Snips cocked an eyebrow at the dragon.

"What's wrong with that? We've tried it and it works perfectly."

"That's because you took all the fun out of it. How about you just kiss and the next time you get an erection she just gives you a little hoof action?" Snips made an obscene stroking gesture in the air.

"We talked about it, but it just seems awkward."

"Is it anymore awkward than following rules for kissing?" Scratch asked.

"Yes, I mean it just sounds weird to have her touch me while I just sit there."

"If it'd make things easier, why don't you do her in return?" Scratch proposed causing Spike to blush.

"What? That's way too much." Spike said nervously.

"Come on, Spike. It has to be better than rules. And she's going to touch it someday?" Snails told him.

"I don't know. It just seems awkward. How would we even do it?" Spike said fiddling with his claws.

"It's awkward for everyone their first time around." Scratch explained.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I took to it naturally." Snips bragged.

"Yeah right! That's not what Lucy said." Snails reminded him.

"She was just saying that cause I dumped her. I was like the greatest lover ever."

"Yeah, I actually wanted to ask you about that night. They recently sent us a bill for damages to one of their rooms. A broken massage table, several bottles of expensive massage oil, and the cleaning of the jacuzzi."

"Please tell me you didn't have sex in a jacuzzi?" Spike said massaging his temples.

"Hey, it was on my bucket list! Until you've had a stream of bubbles tickling your butthole while you ram a filly over the side of a giant tub, you haven't lived."

"Ugh! I did not need to hear that." Spike said disgusted by every part of that statement.

"What about you then?" Snips asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Where would you want to have sex if you could?" Snips asked.

"I don't know. A bed?" Spike answered.

"Boring! How about you, Snails?"

"Well, it's kind of weird, but I always wanted to have sex... in... a classroom."

"Really? That's kind of freaky for you, Snails. What's the deal?" Scratch looked at the colt with newfound fascination.

"I don't know. It's just that I'm always so bored that sometimes I start daydreaming in class and I always dream about where I am so most of fantasies take place in class."

"So who are you getting down and dirty with in the middle of class?" She asked anxious to know.

"I bet it's Miss Cheerilee. You're totally having sex dreams with our teacher!" Snipg guessed.

"No! I mean I used to, but she's dating Big Mac now. It'd feel kind of wrong to have those thoughts about anoher guy's girl. Recently, I been imagining myself with someone else."

"Is it Sweetie Belle? Scootaloo?" Spike guessed.

"It's Diamond Tiara." He squeaked.

"Are you kidding? She treates you like dirt!" The dragon exclaimed.

"Yeah, even I don't fantasize about her and I'm completely depraved!" Snips admitted.

"I know that, but when she insukts me in my fantasies, it's actually kind of hot."

"Oh, I get it. I think Snails is a bit of a masochist." Scratch concluded.

"What's a mask kit.. or whatever?" The colt wondered.

"A masochist is someone who gets sexual pleasure from being humiliated or even getting hurt." The mare explained.

"Getting hurt, huh? How's this feel?" Snips said delivering a quick blow to his shoulder.

"Ow! What was that for?" The colt rubbed the spot as he glared at him.

"You're supposed to be turned on. You said he was a masochist, right?" Snips asked the mare.

"It depends on the context. Snails, do you mind if I try something?"

"Umm, I guess. What are you going to do?" He asked.

"None of your business, maggot! Get on the floor now!" She shouted.

"Maggot? Why'd you-"

"I don't remember asking for your opinion, worm. Now do it!" He was confused, but did as she said.

"You like it down there, don't you? You love having your face buried in the carpet, you worthless little insect. Come on! Put your face into it!" She said as she used her magiv to push his face down.

"I think that's enough, Scratch." Spike told her.

"Too much?"

"A little bit. He's definitely got an erection. Do you need a minute, Snails?" Spike asked looking away.

"If everyone could just turn around while I leave, that'd be great." He called from the floor.

"Sure thing, pal." Snips said as they turned their heads so Snails could leave.

"I guess Snails has to be at least somewhat attracted to the person humiliating him to get some pleasure out of it."

"So what? Is Snails going to get a boner every time a cute girl insults him?" Snips wondered.

"Is that really a problem? Diamond Tiara is the only filly who makes fun of him and he hasn't gotten an erection in front of her."

"Well, I was getting pretty physical and being overtly sexual. I doubt Diamond Tiara would ever really go that far. Still, it's pretty interesting though."

"What is?" Spike asked.

"I always took Snails for a gentle giant type. It's like finding out Big Macintosh has a hoof fetish or something."

"Okay, I think it's time to end the show before we start getting into fetishes. Between the two of you, we might be here all day if that happens."

"Aww, you're so boring sometimes." Snips huffed.

"I was thinking about bringing a guest on the show. Any ideas?" Scratch posed the question to the two of them.

"I don't know. We've had so many people on the show." Spike scratched his head in thought.

"What about the Elements of Harmony?" Snips asked.

"All six of them on the show at once? It might get a little crowded." Spike imagined the cramped quarters that would occur from such a show.

"How about just one of them then?" Scratch asked.

"Twilight's already been on the show so she's out." Spike pointed out.

"How about-" Snips was interrupted when the door flew open and a blue blur entered and landed in the middle of the room. A panting Rainbow Dash stood in the middle of the room trying her best to look cool.

"So... I.. heard... you... guys... needed... a guest?" She said trying to catch her breath.

"Ummm, would you like to be on the next show, Rainbow Dash?" Spike asked.

"I'll... have.. to check... my schedule, but I think... I can... squeeze it in."

"Okay, where did you come from exactly?" Scratch asked.

"Oh, I was having tea with Fluttershy. I was listening on her radio." The pegasus said as she caught her breath.

"That's all the way across town. We couldn't have been talking about bringing a guest on for more than a few minutes."

"Heh, what can I say? Just wanted to help you guys out." She smiled. The dragon rolled his eyes as he prepared to sign off.

"Sure. Anyway, I'd like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened today. This is Guy Talk signing off."

Author's Note

Next week's update is Candy Girl.

A Dash of Dragon

Author's Note

There have been some complaints about the shortness of Guy Talk. The thing is Guy Talk was always supposed to something i could write in a couple of days, but because some chapters were easier to write than others the length varies. Now that I'm trying to put an update a week. The length of each chapter will vary even more. Next Week's update is Candy Girl.

A Dash of Dragon

Guy Talk

A Dash of Dragon

Episode 15

“I’m Snails!”

“I’m Snips!”

“And I’m Spike! This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for entertainment. Today, we’re here with Vinyl Scratch and our special guest, Rainbow Dash.”

“It’s great to finally be on the show.”

“We got the feeling you’ve been wanting to come on for sometime. You made a pretty flashy entrance last time.” Scratch referred to Rainbow Dash blowing through the town and into their studio.

“Sorry about that.” The pegasus said rubbing her mane.

“Don’t be. You’re not the first pony to bust in here.” Spike informed her.

“It doesn’t feel like the show’s ended until someone’s showed up out of nowhere.” Snails commented.

“You’d think we’d be used to it by now.” Snips rolled his eyes.

“Enough about that though. You brought something you wanted us to help you with.” Spike changed the subject. Rainbow Dash pulled a weird looking glass bottle from her bag she had brought with her. It had faces on it similar to the ones found decorating Zecora’s hut.

“That’s one freaky looking bottle in it.” Snips said looking at the strange object. He could have swore on of the faces stuck it’s tongue out at him.

“I got it from Zecora. It’s a transformation potion.”

“Transformation potion? You mean like the spell you’ve been asking Twilight for all week.” Spike said remembering the pegasus pestering her endlessly since they became breezies.

“She’s not the only pony in town with powerful magic.” Dash said holding the bottle.

“Isn’t her magic like tricks and stuff?” Snails asked.

“Mostly, but she assured me this was the real deal. She used it to commune with the creatures of the forest or whatever.”

“Wait a minute! That sounds pretty important. Are you sure you’re supposed to have that?” Spike asked looking at the mare suspiciously.

“Forget about that. I need your help specifically, Spike.”

“My help? What can I help you with?” The dragon wondered.

“I need the essence of a creature in order to turn into one.”

“Essence? What’s that mean?” Snails asked.

“I think we all know what she means. She obviously needs Spike to jerk into the bottle.” Snips chuckled knowingly.

“Actually, I was thinking a little bit of fire.” Rainbow Dash said as everyone looked at Snips weirdly.

“What! I was not the only one who heard the word ‘essence’ and thought of spunk.” Snips said looking around the room.

“Oh, you can all go collect your own essence!” The diminuitive colt told them.

“Anyway just blow a little flame into the bottle.” As Rainbow Dash uncorked the bottle, a number of spirits escaped and swirled around the room before disappearing altogether.

“Are you sure this is safe?” Scratch asked worried by such a reaction.

“It’s fine. Just blow into the bottle, Spike.” Dash said holding the open container towards him. Spike just took in a tiny breath and blew a small drop of flame into the bottle. The concoction blew up releasing another spirit out of the bottle. Unlike the other ones, this one had a shape similar to a dragon. It faded as quickly as it came into existence.

“This is kind of scary. Are you sure you want to drink that stuff?” Snails asked.

“What’s the worse that can happen?” Rainbow Dash said before taking a swig. Everyone watched as the mare downed a bit of it before stopping and exhaling.

“How is it?” Spike asked.

“Spicy.” She said continue to breath heavily. The mare felt her head start to spin as she felt really woozy. Everything seemed to clear up for a moment before she blacked out and hit the floor.

“Rainbow Dash!” She heard everyone calling her name before finally waking up.

“Ugh… what happened?” She said looking up to find Spike holding her in his arms. His eyes looking at her strangely. She put a hoof to her head to find a claw resting on her head instead.

“Wow!” Spike said smiling at her.

“It worked. It worked! I’m a dragon!” The pony looked over her new body. Her scales were still blue, but they glistened in the light. She tried to get up, to continue her inspection, but Spike was still holding her.

“Wow!” Spike still staring at her.

“You can let go of me now.” She said causing Spike to snap out of his stupor and release her..

“Oh, right! I was… uhhh..” Spike trailed off as he tried to find a reason for acting so weird.

“You look great!” Snips said looking her up as she tried to stand on her new feet. She wobbled at first but managed to right herself quickly enough. She was slightly taller than Spike and much leaner. Each spine going down her tail contained all the colors that her mane held and had a much sharper look than Spike‘s. She flexed her back muscles and was surprised to find she still had wings.

“Wahoo! This is way better than being a breezie! Ow!” She said flapping her wings and shooting into the air. She hit her head on the ceiling doing so. Her new form was a far more powerful flier than her old one.

“Are you alright?” Spike asked as she hovered over head.

“I’m fine. I just got to get used to this.” She said rubbing her head. Rainbow Dash could feel her clawed fingers moving over the area. It felt weird having fingers that moved independently, instead of a single hoof.

“Try your fire breath!” Snips said excitedly.

“Good idea! Okay, here goes nothing.” She said taking a deep breath, but Spike could tell she was taking in a dangerous amount of air.

“That‘s too much air! You‘ll set something on fire!” Spike shouted as she unleashed a large reddish pink flame from her mouth. Everyone ducked as the flame nearly roasted the trio.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry. Are you guys alright?” She said floating to the floor.

“I’m fine.” Snips said popping his head up.

“Yeah, I’m okay!” Snails said sitting up.

“You got to be more careful, Rainbow Dash! The amount of air you take in determines the size of the flame you make. You‘re lucky the station isn‘t on fire!” Spike scolded her.

“I’m sorry, Spike. I shouldn’t have been playing with fire anyway.” Dash said feeling down. Spike felt bad about blowing up at her like that.

“Hold on! If you want to do dragon stuff, there’s one thing you got to do.” Spike reach down into his bag next to his chair and pulled out a large green gem.

“Whoa! You could probably buy a whole bunch of stuff with that.” Snails said looking at the treasure with envy.

“It’s not for buying. It’s for eating.” Spike corrected him.

“You want me to eat this?” Dash said looking at the gem. She had never seen a jewel as anything more than a decoration or a form of currency. Being a dragon, she could feel an almost overwhelming desire to wolf one down.

“Yeah, I was going to eat it, but I figure I’d let you have it. A dragon should eat gems at least once in their life. Take it already before I change my mind.” Spike said pushing the gem into her claws. Rainbow Dash looked at the gem before looking at Spike and clutching tightly in her claws.

“Thanks, Spike.” Rainbow Dash said taking the gem and biting into the corner. Her sharp teeth easily breaking through the surface of the shiny rock. As her the fragment of the gem hit her tongue, she felt a rush of pure ecstasy wash over her. The gem was perfect mixture of sweet and crunchy. In addition to being delicious, she felt a rush of energy and strength. It was like the ultimate sugar rush. Everyone watched as Rainbow Dash effortlessly finished off the rest of gem.

“It’s good, right?” Spike asked as she licked the remnants from her claws.

“That… was… amazing.” She said rubbing her belly.

“I’m glad you liked it.” Spike said staring at her and sighing. Scratch decided to remind Spike of his relationship status.

“So how’s Apple Bloom?” The question seemed to take the dragon completely by surprise.

“Huh? Oh, she’s… uhh… good. Yeah, she’s good.” Spike nodded without taking his eyes off Rainbow Dash.

“Just good? Usually you have a little more to say than that.” Scratch said worried about Spike’s infatuation with Rainbow Dash’s new form.

“I’m sick of Apple Bloom talk. We got Rainbow Dash as a dragon on our show! Let’s talk about that.” Snips said.

“Yeah, how long do you plan to stay like that?” Snails asked.

“I don’t know. Zecora said she just took another swig to turn back so I figure I could stay like this as long as I want. Where‘s the bottle anyway?” She said looking for the container.

“Actually, you broke it when you fell down.” Snails informed her.

“What! I didn’t see any shards of glass on the floor.” She said frantically looking around for the fragments.

“It didn’t leave fragments. The bottle kind of just turned into more spirits when it hit the floor and flew away. It was kind of cool actually.” Snips explained.

“Zecora’s going to kill me when she finds out!”

“So how long are you going to be like that?” Spike asked.

“I guess until Zecora can make another potion or until she forgives me. No big deal! I’m not in a big rush to turn back anyway.” Rainbow Dash said relaxing.

“Really? I was thinking we could do more dragon stuff together. I know all sorts of fire tricks and you haven‘t tried gems with regular food. It makes everything taste better. I could actually cook you something sometime…. if you want.” Spike said nervously fiddling with his claws.

“That sounds awesome, Spike. We should totally hang.”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea, Spike? Don’t you think somepony might take offense to you hanging out and having dinner with Dash?” Scratch asked.

“We’re just hanging out. What’s wrong with that?” Spike said shrugging off her concerns.

“I wonder about that.” Scratch said crossing her hooves. She didn’t think Spike would ever cheat, but something about the way he was looking at Rainbow Dash since she became a dragon made her worried he might neglect Apple Bloom.

“Let’s get to the questions.” Snips said.

“Okay, we got a lot questions, but for the sake of time, we’ll try to answer two. Our first question comes from Masmium. How does it feel to do a sonic rainboom?”

“Oh, it’s crazy! The world becomes a blur and your heart is practically beating out of your chest. The wrong move could send you hurdling into a spin that could spell instant doom.”

“Whoa! Do you think you could do one now?” Snips asked.

“With this body, I feel faster than ever! I could probably do something even cooler.” She said flexing her new light blue wings.

“Your wings are beautiful.” Spike mentioned.

“Ummm… you know I had wings before, right?” Rainbow Dash said unable to recall Spike ever complimenting her wings before.

“I guess I never really looked at your wings before.” Spike shrugged.

“You never saw my wings before! I’m a pegasus pony! You‘ve seen me flying! How did you not notice my wings before?” She shouted.

“I don’t get it. Why are you angry? I complimented you.” Spike said confused by her anger.

“I’m angry because you never made this much of an effort to hang out with me or be nice before.”

“So you’re mad because I’m being nicer to you than before?” Spike still not fully understanding her anger.

“I’m mad because you don’t seem to care about me unless I’m covered in scales and breathing fire.”

“Th-that’s not true. I mean… it‘s just-”

“Whatever!” Dash said turning her back on Spike.

“How about that other question?” Scratch asked trying to ease the tension.

“I guess.” Dash said expelling smoke out of her nose.

“Oh, good. It’s about wings.” Scratch said wondering if she should ask it. Dash just shot Spike a mean look as if it was somehow his fault that someone chose that topic.

“Go ahead and ask. It’s fine.” Dash sighed.

“This one’s from Rejigged. Do you ever get wingboners while flying and is it dangerous?”

“Wingboners?” Snails was confused by the term.

“It’s a pegasus thing. When they get horny, their wings stiffen and stick out.” Snips explained.

` “Aren’t Scootaloo’s wings always sticking up though?” Snails wondered.

“I asked her and it’s definitely not cause she’s horny. I learned that the hard way.” Snips said rubbing his cheek.

“It happens, but you can usually glide to the ground or flap just enough to slow your fall. I never really heard of anyone falling out of the sky because of it. Also not everypony with their wings out is technically horny. It’s really a matter of preference. Some ponies like to keep at their side and others like to let them hang.”

“I wish I’d have heard that sooner.” Snips sighed.

“Hold on! We have Zecora on the line. I’m patching her through.” Scratch said.

“Rainbow Dash, you thieving mare! Reveal yourself, I know you’re there!”

“Hey, Zecora. How’s it going?” Dash chuckled nervously.

“If I had I known you’d steal from my hut, I would have kept my big mouth shut.”

“I was just borrowing it, Zecora. I was going to return it.”

“You play with magics you can’t understand. Do not drink from that bottle or things will really get out of hand.”

“Let’s say I did drink from the bottle and then dropped it by accident causing it to break. How bad would that be?”

“This joke of yours had better be fake. Recreating everything would take a couple of years, give or take.”

“A couple of years! I can’t stay like this for a few years.” Rainbow Dash panicked. She liked being a dragon, but she liked being a pony more.

“Luckily, there is still some small hope to turn back now. You must return the essence somehow.”

“The essence! I used Spike’s flame as the essence.”

“Return the flame to the dragon’s mouth. Do it soon and let it out.” Spike and Rainbow Dash looked at each other as they considered the awkward proposition.

“So I have to spit into Spike’s mouth?”

“It must be fresh and you cannot risk a miss. In order to return to a pony, you’ll need to kiss.”

“A kiss!” The two of them exclaimed.

“I don’t make this suggestion without cause. I know this might make Spike pause. Unfortunately, this is the only way. Your only other solution is several years away.”

“I can’t make Spike do that.” Rainbow Dash sighed.

“I’ll do it.” Spike said.

“Why? You’re dating Apple Bloom. Won’t she be mad if we do this?”

“She’d be even madder if I left you like that because of her. Besides, you’re right. I was treating you differently. Before I found out they were egg murdering jerks, it was actually kind of nice to hang out with other dragons. I wasn’t Spike the dragon. I was Spike and it was nice. When you became a dragon, I thought I could feel that way again. I ended up treating you differently because of it. This is the least I can do.”

“Do you think we could hang out sometime after this?” Dash asked.

“I’d like that.” Spike smiled.

“Maybe you want hold off on that after you kiss. I don‘t think Apple Bloom would appreciate it if you two had dinner after this.” Scratch pointed out.

“Right.” Spike chuckled.

“Maybe wait awhile.” Dash added.

“I got to say this is kind of hot. You sure you aren’t going to enjoy this at least a little?” Snips asked.

“Shut up!” Spike said blushing a bit. He had no idea if this kind of thing was done amongst dragons or what. He just wanted to help Rainbow Dash out. Still, it felt kind of naughty in a way.

“Spike must take the fire deep within, only then will the transformation end.” Zecora advised. The two of them stood up and faced each other. Each one a little nervous and apprehensive about what was about to transpire.

“Here goes nothing.” Spike gulped as he leaned forward.

“Y-yeah.” Dash said closing her eyes.

As their soft, scaly lips met, Rainbow Dash could feel the warmth of his essence resonate deep inside of her. A soft green glow could be seen making it’s way from her stomach and up her throat. She could feel Spike’s essence roll of her tongue and into his mouth. As his flame left her body, Rainbow Dash found her body enveloped in a white light before passing out again.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash! Are you alright? It worked! You’re a pony again.” Spike told her as he tried to wake her up.

“Thanks, Spike! I appreciate it.” She answered getting back to her hooves.

“I hope you think twice before you take my things. Next time could be far worse than dragon wings.” Zecora warned.

“I promise it won’t happen again.” Rainbow Dash said enjoying being a pegasus again.

“Maybe I could use that new potion in a few years.” Snips asked. Zecora simply hung up leaving him with a dial tone for an answer.

“I think we can end the show on that note. I’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened to this. I’m Spike and this is Guy Talk signing off.”

Mudmania

Guy Talk

Mudmania

Chapter 16

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

Spike sighs heavily.

“Come on, Spike. This where you introduce the show.” Vinyl Scratch whispered.

“I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we…. where.. I‘m sorry, guys. I thought I could do this, but I can‘t. This place reminds me of Apple Bloom. It‘s where we started dating.” He said sounding rather dejected.

“It’s okay, Spike. Take your time.” Scratch said comforting the glum fellow. Snips was less sympathetic.

“Come on, Spike. It’s been a week. Don’t you think it’s about time you let her go?” Snips said frustrated.

“Give him a break, Snips. The guy got dumped. I can‘t imagine how hard it must be for him.” Snails countered.

“Yeah, I bet it’s so hard for him. Fighting off all those fillies who want to take Apple Bloom’s place. Ever since every filly in town found out about Spike’s breakup, they’ve been approaching him nonstop. I can‘t keep feeling sorry for him when he‘s got fillies flocking to his side.” Snips huffed.

“It doesn’t matter. Apple Bloom was all I wanted. There‘s no one like her.” He sighed again.

“Why don’t you try talking to her again? Maybe you can work things out.” Scratch said.

“Every time I try to talk to her it’s the same thing. I guess it‘s just over.”

“Is she mad because you kissed Rainbow Dash?” Snails asked.

“No, she was okay with that. It’s the way I reacted when Rainbow Dash first transformed she’s worried about.” Spike explained.

“I don’t get it.” Snails said scratching his head.

“She thinks I’m going to leave her as soon as I see a female dragon. I told her that‘s not true, but she doesn‘t believe me.”

“To be fair, you were kind of staring at Rainbow Dash as a dragon… a lot.” Scratch mentioned.

“I had never seen a female dragon before that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave her for one the moment I see one. I just wish I could prove that to her.” Spike said.

“Alright, I’m sick of all this Apple Bloom talk. It seems like we spend half of every show talking about Spike and Apple Bloom. It’s over and talking about it isn’t the way to help him through it. Luckily, I know exactly what he needs.” Snips said hopping out of his chair and walking towards the door.

“What are you planning, Snips?” Scratch asked suspicious of the colt’s intentions.

“It‘s a very special surprise for Spike.” The colt said flinging the door open and waving to someone in the hall. Two stallions came in and lifted the table up and placed it against the wall. Snails and Spike barely had time to move out of the way as the stallions walked outside and carried a foalie pool inside and laid it in the center of the room.

“What the hay are they doing, Snips?” Scratch said as she watched one of them carried a bag of dirt and poured it in the pool. The colt in question was sitting in the corner cackling gleefully as he rubbed his hooves together.

“It’s almost complete.” He said to himself as he watched the stallions walked in carrying a huge tub of water and poured it into the pool.

“That’ll be all fellas. Tell them we’re ready.” Snips said ushering his friends into a corner to get a good view.

“Ready for what? And why is there a pool full of muck sitting in the middle of the studio?” Scratch asked upset at this turn of events.

“Ladies, gentlecolts, and dragons of all ages! I welcome you to Guy Talk’s first annual mud wrestling open invitational. This is Mudmania!” The colt proclaimed.

“We are not having a mud wrestling competition in the studio!” Scratch told him.

“Aw, come on! It’s to cheer up, Spike.” Snips explained.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing it. It sounds pretty interesting.” Spike shrugged.

“Well, I guess. I can’t believe I’m being the responsible one here. You guys are cleaning up any messes left after this.” Scratch huffed.

“Introducing our first contestant all the way from Ponyville, she’s not afraid to take charge and get down and dirty. She’s the mistress of mess. It’s the Dirty Diva!” Snips announced as a blue pegasus filly in a red mask trotted in and stepped into the pool. She winked at Spike as she threw her hooves up proclaiming her victory.

“You and me, hot stuff!” She said pointing to Spike.

“Ummm, what does she mean by you and me?” Spike asked nervously waving at her.

“I may have promised the winner a kiss from you.” Snips whispered.

“You what!” The dragon said shocked.

“And her opponent who also hails from Ponyville, she maybe a lady on the outside, but she’s dangerous in the mud. It’s Madam Mud!” Snips announced as a filly in a beautiful white dress and large white hat over her head. She walked slowly and carefully to the ring. As she approached the edge of the pool, she threw off her attire revealing her identity. Everyone except Snips was surprised to see Sweetie Belle standing there.

“Whoo! Alright, let’s do this!” She said jumping into the mud with a splash.

“Sweetie Belle wants to kiss me!” Spike said shocked by another reveal.

“What? I’m not going to kiss you. I’m here to make sure no one else does. Apple Bloom won’t admit it, but she really misses you. I‘m doing this for Apple Bloom!” The unicorn proclaimed.

“And she’s not alone!” Scootaloo said walking in and standing near the edge of the pool.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” The Dirty Diva complained.

“I’m not fighting. I’m here in a managerial role.” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah right! She can‘t do that.” The challenger complained.

“I’ll allow it!” Snips shouted.

“What does she need a manager for?”

“It’s wrestling. The rules are really loose on this sort of thing. If I see her interfere, it‘s an automatic disqualification.” Snips shrugged.

“Whatever! I’m not leaving without that kiss.” She said digging her hoof into the dirt and staring the Sweetie Belle down.

“Not if we have anything to say about it. Right, Madam Mud?” Scootaloo said raising a hoof into the air.

“You got that right!” Sweetie Belle responded slapping hooves.

“Alright, it’s time to start. The rules are simple. Throw your opponent out of the ring, pin them to the ground for a three count, or force them to submit to win. As soon as I drop my hoof, the match‘ll start.” As Snips raised his hoof, Sweetie Belle walked over and held her hoof as a show of good sportsmanship.

“Let’s have a good match.” She smiled. The Dirty Diva looked at her before smirking and waiting for the signal.

“Sure.” She said extending her hoof and grasping hers. As Snips signaled the start of the match, she pulled the filly forward and tried to whip her to the outside. Sweetie Belle managed to pull herself free at the last moment.

“Hey, that’s dirty!” The filly said stumbling back.

“It’s wrestling! The rules are really loose on this sort of thing.” She said copying Snips‘ statement from earlier.

“I‘ll allow it.” Snips nodded. The filly’s squared off as they paced the circle.

“I still can’t believe you promised I kissed the winner.” Spike said watching the two of them lock hooves in the center of the ring.

“In my defense, I tried Snails at first but they wouldn’t bite.”

“Hey!” Snails complained. Sweetie Belle managed to push the filly into the mud, but the pegasus quickly rolled her over.

“Give up! You can’t win!“ The Dirty Diva told her as she pinned her to the pool.

“One!” Snips started the count.

“Use your magic, Sweetie Belle!”

“Two!”

“Of course!” The filly’s horn started to glow as a bit of mud flew into the Dirty Diva’s face. The filly released the unicorn as she tried to wipe the mud out of her face.

“You can’t use magic! That’s not fair!” She complained trying to wipe the muck out of her eyes.

“It’s wrestling. The rules are kind of loose when it comes to this sort of thing.” Scootaloo said mocking her statement from earlier.

“I’ll allow it.” Snips nodded.

“Get her while she’s disoriented, Sweetie Belle!” The unicorn grabbed the Dirty Diva behind and grabbed her in a head lock.

“Are you making this up as you go along?” Spike asked.

“Actually, it’s how it is. You can get away with tons of stuff if you know how. Even the good guys cheat sometimes.” Scratch added.

“Wrestling sounds pretty confusing. What‘s the point of the rules if everyone just cheats all the time?” Spike said scratching his head.

“It’s all really one big show. The rules are just part of it. Everything is usually planned out ahead of time. Everyone in the ring knows what going to happen anyway.” Scratch explained.

“Is this planned out?” Snails asked.

“Nope, this is pure unadulterated drama, my friend.” Snips said as they watched Sweetie Belle cut off the filly’s air supply.

“Give up!” The filly demanded as she increased the pressure.

“You’re not the only one with a few tricks up your sleeve.” The Dirty Diva said as she began to flap her wings against Sweetie Belle’s belly. The filly couldn’t help bursting into the laughter as her opponents feather brushed against her sides. As the filly laughed her grip weakened, the Dirty Diva took the chance to slip loose and pushed her face first into the mud.

“Whoa! That was way out of line!” Scootaloo shouted.

“It’s-”

“Yeah, yeah, we know the rest! Get up, Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo called out to her friend.

“I think it’s time we let the boys get a better look at Madam Mud.” The Dirty Diva said as she stood over Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle placed her hooves between her legs in an attempt to hide her privates.

“No! Please don’t!” She said trying to scramble away but the filly was quick to hold her legs down.

“Aw! Don’t be like that! All you have do is submit and I’ll stop. Sounds fair, right?”

“That’s not fair!” Scootaloo said looking to Snips who was practically drooling at the prospect.

“I’ll-”

“I swear if you say you allow it!” Scootaloo growled at Snips who put his tongue back in his mouth.

“It’s not against the rules how she makes her submit.” Snips squeaked.

“If you won’t quit, you leave me no choice.” She said grabbing her legs and lifting them back. Her naughty bits on display for all to see. The filly was about to cry when she heard Scootaloo’s voice.

“Don’t worry, Sweetie Belle. I‘m blocking their view so they can‘t see a thing. Hurry up and take her down!” She said standing with her wings out in front of Snips and company.

“Hey, that’s outside interference. I win automatically!” The Dirty Diva said releasing Sweetie Belle to proclaim her victory.

“Actually, outside interference is defined as physical contact with an opponent that affects the outcome of the match. The only thing she interfered with so far is our view of Sweetie Belle’s naughty bits.” Snips sighed.

“That’s right! Looks like the match is still on.” Scootaloo said.

“I’ve heard just enough out of you!“ The Dirty Diva scooped a hoof full of mud and slung it directly into her face. The filly watched with joy as the pegasus went down.

“That‘s going too far!” Spike said rushing to Scootaloo’s aid.

“You just keep those lips warm. This‘ll be over in a few seconds.” She said puckering her lips. Suddenly, she was grabbed her from behind.

“Nopony messes with my friend.” Sweetie Belle said trying to lift the pegasus up. The Dirty Diva laughed at her as she attempted to lift her up.

“Are you serious? You’re a unicorn! You couldn’t lift me in your best condition and you’re all beat up. It‘s over. Just give up already!” She said trying to shake her off. The unicorn’s grip wouldn’t waver.

“This… is… for… my friends!” She said miraculously lifting her up.

“What the -!” The pegasus said as she found herself lifted off the ground and slammed onto her back into the mud sending dirt and water everywhere.

“Madam Mud hits her special move, ‘The High Society Suplex’!” Snips shouted.

“She has a special move?” Snails wondered in amazement.

“No, but it was so cool!” Snips said as Sweetie Belle pinned her hooves to the ground.

“One, two, three! Madam Mud wins!” Snips proclaimed.

“That was amazing, Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo said jumping into the ring and holding her hoof up.

“Are you alright?” Sweetie Belle asked as her legs started to give. Scootaloo put her hoof around her neck so she could support her.

“I’m fine.” Scootaloo smiled at her friend’s concern. She had given her all to win and was still worried about others.

“Sweetie Belle! Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom said walking in.

“Apple Bloom? What are you doing here?” Scootaloo asked.

“Applejack told me what was going on. You didn’t have to do this for me.”

“You were so sad after the breakup. It’s obvious you want to be with Spike again.” Sweetie Belle told her. The earth pony sighed at her friends words and actions.

“I really appreciate it, but I broke up with Spike for a reason. I‘m not getting back together with him.” She broke the news to her friends who were stunned.

“You’ve been moping around ever since you broke up with Spike. It’s obvious you want to be with him and he wants to be with you! Why are you fighting it?” Sweetie Belle shouted upset at her friend’s reluctance.

“It’s alright. If Apple Bloom doesn’t want to get back together with me, I don’t want anyone to force her to.”

“Hey, Spike.” Apple Bloom said not looking at him.

“Apple Bloom.” Spike said looking down.

“Grr! Is this because Spike kissed a dragon? He doesn’t want to be with another dragon. He wants to be with you. Why don’t you understand that?” She asked her friend.

“I… I haven’t been honest about the reason I broke up with Spike. I was too embarrassed to tell him the real reason, but I guess I don’t have a choice.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike asked.

“Do you have any idea how popular you are, Spike?” She asked the dragon.

“I don’t know. I guess a couple fillies like me a little.”

“My… kiss.” The Dirty Diva mumbled weakly as she tried to reach for him before drifting back into unconsciousness.

“Spike, you could be with any filly in Equestria. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be with someone so amazing when you don’t even have a cutie mark?”

“I don’t care about your-”

“But I do, Spike!” She interrupted him as she started to cry. “You deserve someone every bit as amazing as you. Someone who isn‘t me.”

“All I want is you. I don’t care about what I’m missing.” Spike said as he tried to stroke her cheek but she turned away.

“You’re everything I could hope for Spike, but when I think about our relationship, I feel like I‘m holding you back.” She asked.

“I’m going to prove that’s not true. Scratch, we‘re going to do that episode.” Spike nodded.

“Are you sure? You‘ve been pretty adamant about not doing that one.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Next week’s guest is Rarity then.”

“Whoa! The drama and action is nonstop at Mudmania. Madam Mud’s big sister enters the ring and faces-”

“No more mud wrestling, Snips! Besides, I think you’re going to be busy. Fellas!” Scratch called as the same stallions who set up the ring brought him a bucket and mop.

“Aww, man!” Snips sighed as he started to clean the mess.

“Do you want to do the sign off, Spike?” Scratch asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” He reluctantly volunteered.

“I wouldn’t mind doing for a change.” Snips said holding up his hoof.

“I don’t mind.” Spike shrugged.

“Go for it, Snips.”

“This is Mudmania Live from Ponyville bringing you the dirtiest and naughtiest in quality female wrestling entertainment signing off!” Snips shouted with gusto as the show ended.

Author's Note

Next week's update is Candy Girl.

Rare Affair

Guy Talk
Rare Affair

"I'm Snips."

"I'm Snails."

"I'm Spike and this is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominnated by them for entertaiment. Vinyl Scratch is
in the booth as usual and today we have a very special guest who holds a very special place in my heart, the lovely and elegant Rarity."

"It's such a pleasure to be here. I really appreciate you having me on, Spikey-Wikey." The unicorn said patting his head. Snips rolled his eyes at the scene.

"Laying it on pretty thick there, Spikey-Wikey. We've had actual princesses as guest who didn't get introductions that glowing." The colt scoffed.

"I'm just trying to make Rarity feel welcomed."

"And he's doing a marvelous job at it, if I do say so myself. I'd even go so far as to say I feel right at home thanks to him."

"You're welcome, Rarity." Spike sighed happily.

"Lay off, Snips. It's good to see Spike come around after last week's episode." Scratch pointed out.

"I know all too well the bitter sting the end of one's first romantic relationship can bring. It may not seem like it right away but you shall find love again." Rarity proclaimed.

"He must have been a fool let a pony like you go." Spike said offended that somepony had to gall to leave a pony like Rarity.

"Well, it was a lot more to it than a simple breakup."

"Sounds like a story." Snails said leaning in.

"Oh no! It's really such a long story."

"Show's just started. We got plenty of time." Scratch informed her. Rarity looked around to find everyone looking at her, even Spike was anxiously awaiting. It seemed like a forgone conclusion that she would tell her story anyway.

"I suppose I can tell you." Rarity sighed.

"We're all ears." Spike said leaning forward excitedly.

"I suppose it started the summer I got my cutie mark. Even though I had discovered my special talent, it felt like something
was still missing in my life. I had found my purpose in fashion and design, but there was no one in Ponyville at the time who I could share my new found talent who understood what made a runway model great or what colors went with with which seasons. It seemed like finding my cutie mark left me more alone than ever." The unicorn put a hoof to her head and sighed.

"You didn't have any friends? That's so sad." Scratch remarked.

"Oh, I had plenty of friends. I was actually the most popular pony in my class. None of them actually knew the first thing about fashion though. It was like I was speaking a completely different language. It was simply terrible."

"So what you're saying is they just pretended to be interested what you were talking about in order to be near you. That's so strange. Don't you think that's strange, Spike?" Snips nudged the dragon.

"Shut up, Snips! I want to hear the rest of the story." The dragon growled at the colt.

"I was completely alone. No one was unable to understand my artistry, until I met him. When we first met, I knew almost immediately he was different from the other colts. His blonde fur was perfectly brushed with a sheen that could blind Princess Celestia herself. His mane was a deep black bouffant styled with actual product. Actual product! Do you know how many colts bother to comb their manes, let alone practice proper mane care? It's like they just hop out of bed without a second thought as to how their heads look."

"What's wrong with that? I thought fillies dug the messy look." Snips asked rubbing his mane.

"The messy look isn't actually a mess. That's just the name, darling. With any style, there is a method to pulling it off. Luckily, I know exactly how it's done. Now tell me when was the last time you washed your mane?"

"You mean like with soap and water? Because sometimes I get in caught in the rain and that's like the same thing right?" Rarity just stared at him before moving her chair a little further away.

"Where was I again? Oh, I remember now. He was unlike any of the other colts. I had to speak to him. From the moment we met, it was like I met my other half. It was more like reuniting with an old friend than making a new one. He was smart, catty, and most importantly fashion conscious. His knowledge of trends and celebrity gossip greatly surpassed my own. Needless to say, we quickly became the best of friends."

"It seems like things were going great." Scratch said.

"Well, it was at first. Everything about us just seem to click. It woud seem a little too well. I began to suspect we shared similar romantic interests as well. That's why it came as a huge surprise when he asked me out on a date."

"What do you mean? I thought you had similar romantic interests." Snails wondered as he scratched his head.

"She means he's gay, dummy!" Snips said.

"Wait a minute! Rarity's gay!" Snails proclaimed loudly.

"I assure you that I am not gay! I was merely referring to the fact that we both prefer males." The mare said correcting him.

"Oh, I get it now. Why didn't you just say that earlier?" The colt nodded. Rarity put a hoof to her face and mumble something very unladylike to her self before regaining her composure and continuing her story.

"As I was saying, I was quite shocked when he asked me out on a date."

"I thought you said he was gay!" Snails shouted causing Rarity's left eye to get all twitchy.

"I got it, Rarity. Listen up, Snails." Scratch said catching his attention. "Rarity's straight, but she thought her friend wasn't. Got it so far?"

"Okay." The colt nodded slowly.

"She knows that because he asked her out and that's where we are now. Understand?"

"Y-yeah, I think I get it now." Snails smiled.

"Ok, you can continue." Scratch said allowing Rarity to continue. She looked at the colt wondering if he truly understood. She
didn't know what she might say if he interrupted her with one of his inane queries again.

"I didn't think to question it at the time. He was definitely no slouch in the looks department and we already had so much in common. It seemed only natural that we'd eventually started dating. Unfortunately, things didn't go nearly as well as I hoped."

"What happened?" Spike asked.

"It turns he had an ulterior motive the entire time. Becoming my friend and asking me out, it was all a ruse. Remember how I mention we had similar tastes in fashion?"

"Yeah, it's why you were so impressed in the first place." Spike spoke up.

"It turns out he only wanted to get close to me so I could make dresses for him!" Rarity revealed.

"He wanted you to make him dresses. Why?" Snips asked.

"It turns out that his parents didn't approve of his crossdressing habit. They refuse to let him buy dresses for fear of looking ridiculous. When I mentioned how I got my cutie mark, he must have thought of me as a way of getting what he wanted without his parents knowing."

"How'd you find out?" Spike asked.

"He brought it up on our first and consequently last date. When he brought it up, I assumed he was joking and laughed. He
took it personally and said some things I can't repeat in the company of such impressionable ears. Without getting in too much detail, he called me a bigot and claimed I was what's wrong with society. He said he never wanted to see me again and just stormed off."

"Wow! He sounds like a piece of work." Spike said.

"It was still devastating to me at the time. I was young enough to believe that we were perfect for each other. I didn't just lose my best friend, but the one I thought would be my special somepony. I would have been fortunate if it ended there."

"What do you mean? He dumped you, right?" Snips wondered aloud.

"We were broken up, but he still wanted me to make dresses for him. The day after the incident he approached like nothing had happened and asked when I'd be able to deliver the items he requested. It was like he wasn't even aware of the unpleasantness he had caused between us. The way he acted made me more than a little unnerved. When I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him, he..." Rarity put a hoof to her eyes as tears began to form. Her lip trembled as she struggled to regain composure.

"It's okay, Rarity! You don't have to continue if you're not comfortable." Spike wanted to hear the rest but not if it upset her so much. He couldn't believe some jerk would be so cruel as to actually threaten such a pure and innocent filly.

"I appreciate your concern, Spike, but I'm fine. I think I can continue." She said steeling herself as she took a deep breath and released it.

"So what'd he say?" Snips asked.

"He was going to get his styling scissors, sneak into my room at night, and... and..."

"Yeah?" They all said leaning in.

"Cut my mane short!" She cried out. Snips, Snails, Scratch sighed in disappointment.

"That's it? My mane is pretty short. Is that so bad?" Scratch asked.

"Are you guys serious? Rarity's mane is a work of art that ties her whole look together. Anyone who would mess with such beauty is pure evil!"

"Spike is right. He had crossed the line and threatened something absolutely sacred to me. I was not about to be bullied by the likes of him. When I told him, he just glared at me. The look he gave me was as cold and heartless as any I've ever felt. He walked away, but I could tell this wasn't over. He wasn't going to stop till he got what he wanted."

"I don't get it. What's the big deal? You could make him a few dresses like that and get him off your back for good. Why didn't you just do it?" Snips asked.

"I would have thought about it if he was up front. Instead, he tried to decieve me. When that failed, he threatened me presonally. Even if I thought he was capable of stopping with a few dresses, I wasn't about to cave to a bully."

"You're so brave." Spike sighed.

"You didn't think he'd stop if you made the dresses?" Scratch asked.

"His erratic behavior made it clear to me that he'd keep me under his hoof as long as I did what he said. He was absolutely obsessed with fashion. He'd want new clothes just to keep up with the trends and I'd always be his go to. I wasn't about to let that happen."

"So what he'd do next?" Snails asked.

"He continued to ask and every time I said no. Eventually, he began to spread nasty rumors about me. He began to stalk me
and play mean pranks on me. At one point, he started throwing mud at me and left packages of bugs and other things at my door. It got to the point where I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder for any sign of his presence. He had turned my life into an unending nightmare. That was when he did something I could not overlook. Something that pushed me into a dark place I've never been before or since."

"What did he do?" Snails asked.

"He threatened to punish Sweetie Belle. It was one thing to torture me, but my sister was just an innocent little foal at the time. I realized I couldn't ignore this any longer. I had to take drastic measures." Rarity remarked in a dark tone.

"What'd you do?" Snips asked.

"I snuck into his home in the dead of night and I gave him a taste of his own medicine." Rarity said with a devious smile.

"How'd he take it?" Scratch said.

"He didn't come out of his house for a week. When he did, he didn't threaten me or my little sister ever again"

"What happened to him?" Spike asked.

"He moved away before his hair could grow back, but I still feel a tinge of regret about the way things ended. Despite how awful he was, I truly admired how beautiful his mane was. It's a shame I had to destroy something so beautiful, but he pushed me to the brink when he threatened Sweetie Belle."

"It's pretty strange that guy turned out to be your first love." Spike remarked.

"It just goes to show that first loves rarely work out. You shouldn't feel too bad that things didn't work out the way you wanted." Rarity nodded.

"I figured as much. I mean who's first love really ever led to anything." The dragon shrugged when the deejay raised her hoof tentatively.

"I can say that." Vinyl Scratch squeaked.

"Huh? I thought you were with other people before Octavia." Snips questioned her.

"I was, but I never loved any of them until I met Octavia. They were just fun and sometimes curiosity. Even if I did let it
progress into a relationship, I only did it cause it was better than being alone. This thing I started with Octavia feels different though. I could have a lot more fun sleeping around, but I start thinking about her and it just loses the appeal it had. No one has ever made me feel like that."

"Whatever." Spike huffed.

"I suppose there is always an exception that proves the rule." Rarity said with a bitter edge.

"See this is why I'll never fall in love. It just complicates stuff." Snips spoke in a smug tone.

"I don't know seems kind of nice." Snails thought aloud.

"Alright, I think it's time to end the episode!" Spike said abruptly ending the conversation.

"Sure, I guess it's about time. Are you alright, Spike?" Scratch asked.

"I'm just tired of talking about love. This is Guy Talk, right? We should talk about something more masculine next time. Next episode is a no romance zone, got it?"

"I guess, but that's kind of all we talk about." Scratch pointed out.

"I don't care! Next episode we're talking about guy stuff. I'd like to thank and apologize to everyone who listen to this. Guy Talk signing off!" Spike said as his friends looked at each other with nervous expressions.

Questions: The Quest for Answers?

Guy Talk

Questions: The Quest for Answers?

Episode 5

“I’m Snips.”

“I’m Snails.”

“And I’m Spike. Welcome to Guy Talk, where we objectify females in a society dominated by them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here with our producer, Vinyl Scratch.”

“Sup, Equestria!”

“You have the topic of our show today, Scratch.” Spike said.

“I do indeed. The station decided you guys weren’t answering enough questions so I thought we’d knock out a few today.”

“I wonder who’s fault is that?” Spike looked at Vinyl Scratch.

“Oh, Spike! How could you be so cruel? I work so hard without getting any thanks at all.” Vinyl Scratch said in a saccharine tone.

“Stop picking on Scratch.” Snips said.

“Picking on girls, Spike. Not cool, dude.” Snails shook his head at Spike’s treatment of Scratch.

“Are you guys forgetting she had you two, along with Twilight and Trixie fighting each other?”

“That was your fault. You made Trixie and Twilight fight over you in the first place.” Snips placed the blame squarely on Spike’s shoulder.

“She could have stopped it anytime!”

“I’m just the innocent, beautiful, and sexy producer who works her hooves to the bone for her big, mean, dragon boss.” Vinyl Scratch covered her face as she started to make sobbing sounds.

“Way to go , Spike.” Snips chastised the dragon.

“Making girls cry. Super uncool, dude.”

“First of all, you’re about as innocent as Discord. Secondly, how hard is it to sit there and push buttons for an hour? I’d hardly say you’re working your hooves to the bone. Finally, I’m not your big mean dragon boss. I’m actually shorter than you and you’re usually telling me what to do.”

“Why, Spike? I only want to be your friend and yet you always cast me aside.” The producer said continuing to play the victim.

“She only wants to be friends. Why are you always so hard on her?”

“Being mean to Vinyl Scratch. Really, really uncool, dude.”

“Why do I even bother? Let’s just get to the questions.” Spike sighed and slapped his palms over his face. Vinyl Scratch immediately dropped her sad act as Spike gave up and brought a hoof to her head in a mock salute.

“Whatever you say boss, but before we start answering questions, there’s something we need to do. Right, guys?”

“Ugh.” Spike groaned in frustration at what came next.

“Three.” Snips sounded off.

“Two.” Snails followed.

“One! It‘s question time with Vinyl Scratch!” They shouted together.

“That was really amazing!” Spike said.

“I knew you’d come around.” Snips stated proudly.

“I was actually referring to the fact that no matter how many times you do that it never gets any easier to listen to. It still as annoying as the first time.”

“Okay, our first question comes from Kamina7. Who do you think will be hotter? Scootaloo, Applebloom, or Sweetie Belle.”

“Interesting question, Kamina7. It’s hard to say who will be hotter.” Spike said as he pondered the question.

“I’m going with Scootaloo. She’s not much to look at now, but if she acted and looked a bit more feminine, I wouldn’t confuse her for a really cute colt. Still she can’t get any worse than she is now. At some point, she either has to start acting more girly or get an operation.” Snips joked.

“I’m thinking Applebloom. If she can grow up and get her cutie mark, she might stop whining about it long enough for me to appreciate how beautiful she is. I mean come on. I get it you want your cutie mark. I don’t need to hear about it every time I say hello.” Spike added.

“I got to go with Sweetie Belle. If she can outgrow that squeaky, high pitched voice of hers, I might be able to talk to her without my ears bleeding. Seriously, she’s like a cute chipmunk or something.” Snails laughed.

“Alright! Our next question is from a guy called Night Wing. He wants to ask me out on a date. Also he wants to know if there’s anything going on between you and Twilight, Spike. I’m sorry, Night Wing. I really appreciate the gesture, but I’m already in a relationship and Octavia’s not into threesomes.”

“Okay, why does everyone assume there’s something going on between me and Twilight? We’re friends who live together. Can’t a guy live with the girl who hatched him and not have everyone assume we’re dating?”

“I don’t know about that. Remember that one time you were late because you were giving Twilight a massage.” Snails recalled.

“I told you her back gets sore from me riding her all the time. I give her massages so her muscles don‘t hurt.”

“You must ride her pretty hard, you stud.” Vinyl Scratch commented.

“It’s not like that! Listen, Twilight and I have a normal relationship. There is nothing sexual going on.”

“I don’t know. You’re trying really hard to deny it.” Snips said regarding him suspiciously.

“Maybe because it’s totally ridiculous. This discussion is over. Next question!” Spike shouted as he lost his cool.

“Chill, Spike! We’re just messing with you. Our next question comes from Azazel. He’s a baby dragon living out in the Everfree Forest like Spike who wants to know how he should approach Applejack. He really likes her but he’s afraid his evil looks might earn him a kick to the face. He also thinks I’m the coolest deejay ever.”

“Did you add that last part?” Spike asked.

“Come on, Spike. Do you really think I’d do something like that?” The dragon crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow at the pony.

“Okay, I would, but he honestly wrote that. So how should he approach Applejack?”

“I doubt Applejack is that jumpy. She might be a bit put off by your appearance, but she’s pretty friendly. I don’t think her first inclination would be to buck someone in the face because of how they look on the outside. If you’re still not comfortable, approach her with a gift. No matter how evil you look, it’s hard to be scared of someone with a bouquet of flowers.”

“Hold on a second! How are we sure this guy’s legit. He just admitted he’s an evil looking dragon from the Everfree Forest. You remember the Everfree Forest? That place where ninety nine percent of everything wants to kill you.” Snips warned him.

“You’re questioning his legitimacy when you openly admitted to stalking Applejack?” Spike asked.

“I thought we settled this.” Snips said.

“No, you changed the subject before we could-”

“Hey, Scratch. How about another question?” Snips said cutting Snails off.

“Sure, we have time for one more. This one’s from Grim Tidings and it’s all about Spike.”

“Hmm, that’s nice. What’s it say?” Spike asked with piqued interest.

“Is it true that you have a ten to fifteen foot long, prehensile tongue? Is it true that you have two members? If either of those are true, how are you still single?” Spike was silent for a moment before responding.

“Okay, I’m not answering any of that. It’s one thing to ask me what I think of someone else, but when you start asking me about my body parts, you‘ve crossed the line.”

“Come on, Spike. You might create some buzz with female ponies if you spill the details.” Vinyl Scratch said encouraging him to answer.

“You could be the dude with two dicks and a crazy, flexible tongue, and I could be the guy who gets the girls you reject.” Snips said.

“What about me?” Snails asked.

“You would be the guy who gets the girls after me and Spike are done with them.”

“Why do I get the sloppy seconds?”

“Think about it, dude. By the time, Spike and I are done doing our thing. They’ll be all experienced and have low self esteem from getting dumped by us. That‘s when you swoop in and by then they‘ll be desperate for the attention of another guy. All you have to do is throw them a few compliments and they‘re all over you.”

“Wow! That sounds pretty nice.”

“That’s right, Snails. All Spike has to do is let the ladies hear what they want and we’ll be up to our ears in babes.” Snips and Snails looked to Spike who had two fingers on his nose as he shook his head.

“Snips, I know I say this so much that it’s probably lost all meaning but I want you to know that when I say it this time I mean it more than I ever meant it. That is the worst idea you have ever come up with. Even on the off chance that such a ludicrous notion might actually work, I would never ever go along with such a morally bankrupt and obviously desperate scheme. You’re my friend, but you’re also a terrible pony for coming up with such a horrible, manipulative plan. I can only hope that for your sake you realize this and get the help you so sorely need.” Snips looked at Spike for a few seconds before responding.

“I‘ll take that as a maybe.” The colt said causing Spike to face palm as he placed his head on the desk. Suddenly the door to the recording studio swung open and three figures appeared.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Snails said shocked at their appearance.

“W-What are you guys doing here?” Snips asked nervously.

“We heard what you guys said about us and it’s payback time.” Scootaloo took a stance as she prepared to charge.

“Whoa! Let‘s take it easy. No need to do anything hasty.” Spike put his arms up trying to calm them down.

“Get ‘em.” Applebloom shouted as the three of them pounced. The boys managed to slip through and escape.

“You can run but you can‘t hide!” Sweetie Belle yelled as the three of them gave chase.

“Sorry, folks. It looks like we’re experiencing some technical difficulties on the guys’ side of things so I’ll end the show for them. We’d like to thank and apologize to everyone who listened. This episode was brought to you by Apple Family Cider. The tall refreshing drink that only shows up only once a year, available exclusively at Sweet Apple Acres. This is Guy Talk signing off.”