In Her Sights: Rainbow Dash Ruins a Wedding

by KingdaKa

Rating: mature
Tags: Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Human
Length: 36148

Applejack is getting married. Rainbow Dash is going to prevent this. Of course nothing goes well.

Rainbow Dash is a creature of speed; a being of superb athleticism and ability.

And one of obliviousness. When a particular sun-kissed Princess begins to spend more time than usual in the company of a certain apple farmer, the dots don't connect- at least, not until the wedding is announced.

Most people would see an engagement and a wedding as a defeat. But Rainbow Dash is not 'most people' and she will win the heart of Applejack before it's too late. It's really quite simple:

No Princess Celestia, no problem.

Warning: Contains lesbians, rocket launchers, and maybe goats.

Published 2020-10-04 23:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-27 17:06:11 UTC

Chapter One: Rainbow Dash Discovers the Truth

Deep down, Rainbow Dash knew she should have just admitted that the relationship wasn’t going to work out. She had been foolish, going after the ‘hottest girl in town’ just for the sake of having her. It wasn’t a decision made out of any wisdom or logic, only the barest sense of sexual attraction. Of course there would be a personality clash. Refinement, when faced with brashness, tended to make a recipe for disaster.

This time around, she had taken the time. To think. To feel it out. She knew how she felt now, and there wasn’t any doubts about certainty, nor compatibility. She loved Applejack. Hell, she might have loved Applejack even when she was in her last relationship, the poor athlete had simply been too blind to see it. Rainbow knew what she wanted. And she would simply have to figure out how she would go about saying it.

Flowers were not the farmgirl’s thing. It was a hackneyed, unsuitable gesture that was more welcome in bad romance novels than in any shape of reality- especially where Applejack was concerned. She’d thought of something practical, also: a complete refurbishment of the barn, or maybe a harvest of the whole orchard. It would have been fun, but the useful did not always translate to the romantic. Rainbow wondered if she should do something with apples, but it hardly would have been better than flowers. After all, why gift something the person you love sees every day of their life? After more deliberation than she ever should have had to have in the first place, Rainbow finally decided on an expensive bottle of red wine. Romantic, not overly fussy, and something the both of them could enjoy. Besides, the alcohol would make the whole conversation that would occur far easier, and also make what could result from it far more appealing.

When she purchased the gift, the salesman could hardly believe the moment had actually occurred: their most expensive bottle of Margaux, purchased by the Rainbow Dash, athlete extraordinaire. It was a wonder which part of that sentence was the more surprising, and the prismatic woman had to smirk at the sight of the stunned man’s expression as she waved goodbye. There might be talk of Rainbow’s purchase, if she didn’t act fast enough. She would have to be quick about this, lest town gossip go and ruin the surprise along with the confession.

And if she wasn’t careful, her friends would be more than willing to do the job.

“Rainbow Dash!” The cheerful, friendly voice of Twilight came from somewhere behind her, and it was of little surprise to see her walking up with a bundle of books in hand. “Goodness, what’s with the wine? Isn’t that- and it’s an expensive one, too!” The neuroticist’s gaze darted between the bottle and its keeper. “What’s that all about?”

“What wine bottle?” Rainbow asked innocently, sliding the cylinder behind her back. Of course it didn’t actually exist.

Twilight’s expression turned a dry blankness. “Rainbow, you can’t be serious…”

“OK, I just- don’t want you to laugh!” Rainbow countered, bringing the bottle back from its failed hiding place and showcasing it in her hands, Twilight seemingly impressed by the selection. “It’s a gift, and I just don’t want anyone talking about it. Alright?”

“Of course! Pinkie Promise, my lips are sealed,” Twilight assured her friend, realizing that the subject was actually a sensitive one for the poor girl. “What’s it got you all worked up for, though? Is everything alright?”

“I…” Rainbow’s gaze darted around the road wildly, searching for any sign of listening ears or prying eyes that could blow her cover. This gift was meant to be an intimate one. “Twilight, I dunno…”

“OK, OK! I was just curious, you don’t have to say,” the young woman said, raising her hands to chest height in surrender. “I promise I didn’t mean any harm.”

“I know, I just… OK, I’ll tell,” Rainbow said at last, a sudden spur of feeling coming forth and causing her to smile. The secret was hers alone, and it was solely her right to divulge it. She’d been eager to keep it under wraps, why did that suddenly change under the lightest pressure? “So… I’m going to give this to Applejack.”

“For Applejack? Rainbow, that’s so nice of you!” Twilight said- only to be promptly shushed by the frantic gestures of her companion. “Oh, sorry!”

“Quiet, will you? Egghead,” Rainbow chided. “Come on, don’t spoil it for me! It’s supposed to be a secret!”

“Sorry, it was just… you know, a reaction.”

“Fine, fine. But look, Twilight, I’m gonna go. I was kinda headed over to Sweet Apple Acres…”

“Oh, then don’t let me hold you up!” Twilight replied, regathering her bundle before giving a wave of parting. “Good talking to you, Rainbow, and it’s a thoughtful gift. I’m sure they’ll love it!”

Of course Applejack would love it. Why wouldn’t she, since the gift came from the incredible, wonderful, magnificent Rainbow Dash? It would be just the thing to start a perfect, sensuous, sex-crazed romance-

And then something in the parting seemed off. “Wait, they?” Rainbow echoed, her face twisting as she tried to ensure she actually had heard correctly. Yes, it sounded right in her mind, but why had Twilight mentioned it? She whirled back around and saw Twilight now some distance away, back turned as she headed towards the awaiting library. “Who in the hell is they?”

To Rainbow, it would seem as though that single, innocent conversation with her close friend would be the catalyst to everything that went wrong for the rest of the day. Though she doubted Twilight had blabbed, the confession of a deeply held secret seemed to open the floodgates for a now-loosened tongue and setting Rainbow down through the realms of continued poor decision-making. The oddity of the wine bottle in her hand sparked the curiosity of passersby and admirers as they walked by, and the subsequent conversations always seemed to let the secret slip. Some behaved just as Twilight had, calling the present ‘thoughtful’ or ‘friendly’ or some other warm-hearted superlative, but never something that would be seen as a romantic gesture. When the prismatic woman even let slip her intentions in her conversation with Spike, the remark seemed to cast a curious dilemma on the young man's mind.

“Something wrong, dude?” she asked.

Spike opened his mouth- and just as promptly closed it. Open again, and only releasing a sigh. He was struggling mightily.

Rainbow began to have a sneaking suspicion of what he was going to try and infer. “What, you don’t think she likes me?” she challenged.

“Umm…” Spike’s face was particularly pale for one so hot-blooded, he avoiding the hardened gaze of his older companion. “Rainbow, ever thought you might have missed your shot?”

“Huh? Oh, nah, definitely not!” Rainbow replied casually, dismissing the thought as though it were a wisp of cloud that could be brushed aside. “You know she digs me.”

Spike looked as though he might protest, but instead gave a weak smile to compliment his finger-guns. “Sure,” he said, and then walked off in some measure of haste to leave Rainbow stewing in her frustration.

Rainbow was getting rather aggravated now, each new greeting from those who saw her slowing her down even further. She had meant to be at Sweet Apple Acres making delicious love to Applejack over an hour ago, but every new conversation seemed to be longer and all the more irritating. How many people were trying to trip her up, slow her down or simply ruin the moment? Far, far too many of her neighbors seemed to think Applejack would be disinclined to her affections, something she considered insulting. They didn’t think that lowly of her, did they?

“Hello, Rainbow Dash!” Another voice and she wanted to scream. However, this was one she knew deserved better patience than what she currently possessed, for it was the voice of her oldest, dearest friend in the world. When she turned her head to see the sweet face of Fluttershy, the vexed athlete forced herself to remain in some semblance of calm. No one could mean less harm, or intend to be more loving.

“Hey, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said. “You look like you’re in a good mood.”

“I am, thank you!” Fluttershy replied, indeed seeming to positively beam. “I had a lovely evening last night, if you must know. When the engagement was announced I was invited to the party, and it was such a lovely celebration.” She paused in her recollections and took heed of the wine bottle in her friend’s hands, staring at it curiously. “Oh my, is that for you?”

Of course she could trust Fluttershy with the secret. This was the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world, was just as good as family. “Nah, it’s for Applejack. I thought it’d be a good gift.”

“Yes, it definitely will be!” Fluttershy assured her, her smile growing all the wider. “That’s so very sweet of you, Rainbow! It’s a wonderful gift for an engagement party, even if you weren’t able to come… but I thought she sent you an invitation- either way, they’ll love you for it!”

They. Enough was enough, and it was time for the hard-charging Rainbow Dash to put her foot down. “OK, enough of this crap. Who in the fresh, squinty hell is they?” she demanded. “I got this for Applejack and me. That’s it! I’m bringing it to the farm, I’m gonna tell her I like her, and then we’re gonna get down and dirty. For the love of- what are you staring at?”

Fluttershy absolutely would not meet her friend’s gaze, a small blush as she tried to collect her thoughts together. “Umm… Rainbow,” she began, “Do you think that you might be a bit too late for that? Especially now?”

“No. No! Damn, you’re like the fifth person that’s asked me that,” Rainbow grumbled. “Applejack’s not with anybody or else the whole town would’ve known by now and would’ve told me… now what’s your problem?”

Fluttershy’s expression was something of a dawning, some new idea and thought that was taking root in her mind before flourishing. “But Rainbow- the whole town does know! The engagement was in the newspaper this morning!”

The sound of a violent, ear-bleeding record scratch shot through the air and set the whole world to frigid. “Beg pardon?” Rainbow asked softly.

“I mean, we knew they were dating for some time now –a few years, even- and a few of us thought it would only be a matter of time, but…” Fluttershy properly read the confusion on her friend’s face and gave a small gasp of horror-struck realization. “Oh my goodness- Rainbow, did you never know?”

“Know what?” Rainbow demanded. “Holy shit, all of you need to stop this over-dramatic bullcrap and just spit it out!”

Fluttershy flinched, but held her nerve. “You… you should grab a newspaper,” she said calmly. “Come with me, you’ll- you figure it out from there.”

The two departed from the side road and took to the village thoroughfare, walking up to a young boy who was handing out freshly printed newspapers as fast as he could place them in his hand. “Two bits for a paper, Miss Fluttershy?” he called.

“Thank you, Rumble,” Fluttershy said kindly, handing him one bit extra just because she could. “I hope you haven’t been too busy today.”

“Are you kidding? This is my third stack and I’m gonna run out again!” The young boy proclaimed, though he hardly seemed perturbed by the fact. “This is so cool, I actually get to see this all happen! When is it gonna be you and Princess Luna’s turn, huh?”

“Oh, don’t you even start! I heard plenty of that last night,” Fluttershy said with a wave of her hand, though not seeming embarrassed by the rather intrusive question. “Oh, uh- Rainbow, here you go.”

Rainbow Dash snatched the newspaper from her friend’s hand without a word, not even having to open it in fullness to see the attention-grabbing headline emblazoned on the front page in massive, unmistakable font: Princess Celestia announces engagement to Applejack, renowned Ponyville apple farmer.

Fluttershy winced when she saw the headline flicker across her friend’s face. She knew Rainbow had read it, even if she somehow hadn’t known this was coming well beforehand. Obliviousness was one thing, but this still had to hurt. “I’m sorry, Rainbow. I thought you’d known…”

Rainbow remained silent, stony, completely cut off from the rest of the world and entrapped in her own personal thoughts. But then she began to quiver, at first only a gentle motion that turned stormy and frantic. Her lip trembled, her face contorted into an enraged, furious fixation that begged for even the most basic form of release-

Fluttershy looked on in horror, knowing what was coming next. Her gaze darted down to Rumble, who stood nearby and stared up at Rainbow Dash with eager anticipation for the incoming words that would expand his vocabulary. “Oh no-”

And then, like a violent crack of thunder across an open field, with a sound more furious and potent than a shot from a cannon, came one long, horrendous scream from the open mouth of one very unhappy, and highly incensed athlete known as Rainbow Dash:

“You've gotta be fucking SHITTING ME!”

Author's Note

How do you follow up the dumbest thing you've ever written? By writing the stupidest shit this website will ever see.

To the four people that downvote everything I post, I see you.

Chapter Two: Rainbow Dash Has a Bad Day

She hadn’t known she could feel like this about another person. To care so deeply that all personal thought and desire are pushed aside in service of another, only to come away fulfilled and cared for just as richly in return. It was more than just warm, and sweet, and safe. It was a personal beam of sunlight that kept her glowing, a beacon of light that pierced through the darkness and showed her the way home. And it was so, so incredibly sweet, more than any confection or anything of this life she had ever known in all her years, even if their span had not yet been long.

When Applejack felt that hand in hers, when she turned to look up and see that smiling face of Princess Celestia, when she felt those delectable lips meet hers for a kiss, she knew it would be impossible to hold back a smile. So this is love, she thought happily.

It hadn’t been on purpose. The first rendezvous they had shared had come after relentless teasing and playfulness, Celestia seemingly knowing that eventually the poor farmer would relent and give in. The lovemaking that had come was born out of care, but was a means to forget. To let old hurts be cast aside and let the focus return to the here and now, rather than pining for what could have been. And the aftermath that had come promptly, almost the moment their secret time together had ended…

But then came the next illicit meeting. And then another. To her surprise, Applejack had found the time she spent with the Princess rewarding, and not just for the physical pleasures. She liked to see her, to hold her, to actually know this grand woman. So she asked the Princess out on a date, and was quite surprised when Celestia said yes. Dates that had been simple and quiet became more potent, passionate. Sexual attraction deepened under tender care of genuine romance, binding all feelings and affections into a deep love. Of course she had come to look upon this beautiful Princess and desire to marry her. So she asked, and was told yes yet again. Now, in the face of time and sincere feeling, all that silliness and strangeness that had been present in their first moments together was nothing more than a happy memory that sparked laughter and giggles. They had arrived- together.

“And what are you looking at, my darling farmer?” Celestia asked of her, those soft eyes gazing at her young fiancé with warmth that glowed like sunlight. “Something has caught your eye.”

“You, of course,” Applejack answered, not hesitating to gift another kiss for added measure. “I like the view, if you haven’t figured it out.”

“Why, Applejack! Aren’t you feeling bold today?” Celestia declared, feigning surprise. “I never knew you thought of me as lovely. I’m truly flattered.”

“I say it that much, do I?” Applejack asked, an edge of laughter in her voice to help cover over the embarrassment. She had only meant to be caring.

“More often than anyone else ever could hope to say it, my love,” Celestia replied. “And, from you, I am always glad to hear it. No one I have ever met before has made me feel as happy, nor as loved, as you do.”

And just when there could have been real shame, this wonderful woman would be there to prevent a fall. She had been like that since the beginning; nonjudgemental, compassionate, consistently graceful… Celestia was the remarkable kind of person that made every effort given a worthwhile endeavor, giving thanks and kindness in return to what affections had been expressed. She made Applejack’s love for her a joy to tend to.

The two had taken to a walk through the orchards, no real route or reason to their time together. It was some measure of silliness perhaps, an aimlessness that required no measure of worth or time beyond what was given to one another. But here in this pleasant, familiar place that they both knew so well, they took comfort, solace. No one would come to hinder them, to rob them of the happiness that would be found in the presence of one another. Hand in hand, with only words that were needed to be said, they walked onwards through the dimly fading sunlight.

Celestia, of all people, hadn’t expected she would find such a love after all these years. After years upon countless years of life under the sun, she had come to accept an inevitable reality: she would be alone. Lovers that faded, paramours who returned as loyal spouses, hopeful admirers that would fade and move on to more hopeful prospects in lieu of the many responsibilities that ruling a kingdom required. She had accepted it, been kind to those who had come and gone. Even her long-ago kindness towards the women of the Apple Family had been only as something small, a means by which to build confidence and hope towards a better future. Celestia, Princess of the Sun, had always believed she would be alone. Even when she had first felt Applejack’s pure, unadulterated passions against her lovely flesh, it had been so easy to believe nothing would come of it.

Then came the unexpected surprise: Applejack, in their time together, had come to have affections for her. Not some passing fancy like a leaf in the wind, but a well of deep feeling. This young, beautiful creature had actually come to care for her. When Applejack had first asked her out, the resplendent Princess had thought it were a joke. Surely she wasn’t serious? It had taken asking a second time around to actually be convinced- and three wonderful dates to consider what they shared was for real. Sexual lust, driven by loneliness, faded- and was replaced by longing for one and only. Kisses that had come from desperation turned to gifts of affection. Comfort, given life by sadness, became a place of safety that could only be found in one another. She had fallen in love with this earnest, authentic farmgirl, and was given all of her love in return. For the first time in her life, Princess Celestia was truly loved; not for a crown, nor for power, but because of who she was. So of course she had said yes when Applejack had asked to marry her.

The two came to a slow halt at the top of the hill overlooking the northern orchards, the crop of apples that had flourished here glistening in the evening sun. It had been a work of effort the two women had undertaken together, not a drop of aid or assistance from any other soul in the family, nor any who pledged to the crown. Together they had tended to these trees, nurtured them carefully, and made them bear strong fruit. Had there been frustration at first? Yes, unfortunately- Celestia felt a niggle of shame at the remembrance of her own impatience, and the hurt that had come from Applejack’s anger in response to it. But they had been stronger for it, learning more of one another from what had started as a failing. Now, as they looked upon the results of their labor, she could not help but smile. Doubt and negative feeling had faded in light of love, and now they could see its splendid results.

Applejack gave a sigh, slow and wistful as they stood together. Celestia looked downward to her lover’s face and saw the tinge of melancholy grow beneath the freckles she wore like jewelry, the smile beginning to fade. “What is wrong, darling Applejack?” she asked of her.

“Oh, nothing big. I promise,” Applejack answered hurriedly. “Don’t worry about me none.”

Celestia leaned down and kissed her cheek softly, a gentle touch of comfort. “If it concerns your heart, my love,” she said, “then it is worthy of my attentions also. I am glad to listen.”

Applejack sighed again, letting the smile fall away in fullness this time to be replaced by a dulled, yet still-remembered grief. “I wish Granny were here to see this,” the farmgirl murmured. “That Sweet Apple Acres is actually gonna be OK. And her family is gonna be, too.”

“I know. I wish she were, also,” Celestia assented. “Even when she remember her, she won’t always feel present.” Her hands wove their way through Applejack’s wheat-colored locks, smoothing away tussles and breaks until the woman’s hair shone like an ungleaned field. “But look at what you’ve done with her home. And to safeguard her family’s future… Big Mac and Sugar Belle care for the homestead, your sister’s efforts have brought in a new ream of riches. And then there’s you- her heart beats on through your lifeblood, my love.”

It was true enough to put a stupor on the heartache. Big Mac and Sugar Belle’s children were lively and happy; Apple Bloom’s skills in machinery had brought about new business and surplus to the farm, so no tool would ever be replaced at a cost. And she, the steadfast face of Sweet Apple Acres, now would be intertwined with the strength of Equestria’s crown forevermore. The long, hard days of yesteryear could now be behind them, and the pain of loss tempered by love and hope of better days ahead.

“Thank you, sugarcube,” Applejack whispered. “I guess this is cause of you.”

“I did nothing!” Celestia replied, holding her head high. “All I offered was encouragement-”

“And had the government buy a lifetime stock in the farm,” Applejack added-

“And perhaps a little morale boost,” Celestia added, though not seeming to give ground. “What is here on this farm is because of you, darling Applejack. I’d hate for you to forget such a thing.”

“Oh, lighten up, you,” Applejack teased. “You’ve got to be all serious and mature all the blame time.”

“Only when I feel like it,” Celestia said. “But if you’d like to convince me to think otherwise…”

“Is that a challenge?” Applejack asked incredulously, delightedly. The hunger for this woman hardly needed much to be roused…

“An easy one for you to achieve, my love,” Celestia answered, gently guiding her fiancé over to a nearby tree and then settling just above its roots, letting her magnificent body spread wide as though begging to be tended to. “If only you would like to try.”

Applejack grinned, falling to her knees and creeping up slowly to the woman that would be her wife, cupping her face in a single, strong hand and bringing those soft lips to her own for a kiss, over and over because never would she tire of them. Each kiss they shared was a new experience, a new moment to be considered more priceless than gold. Celestia’s lips like honey in taste, soft as warm water on her skin. When she kissed this beautiful Princess, she was in joy- so she loved her lips.

Celestia broke away from her lover, though only by strong force of will that could separate her from such pleasant kisses. “Really, darling Applejack,” she said breathily. “I’d almost think you words were not serious.”

Applejack laughed, her eyes now gleaming as she took in her lover’s words in fullness. Celestia felt a glow within her heart at the sight of it, that bright sight of life that spoke to youthful exuberance and joy unfettered by bitterness. When she saw those eyes set aglowing, the green more deep and verdant than the leaves renewed by spring’s warmth, she saw within to the heart that guarded a better, peaceful way of life. And so she loved those eyes.

Hands reached to her robes, tugging gently so as not to tear and break the fabric. Complying with her lover’s wishes, Celestia wriggled and moved her way out of the clothing she wore until her body was brought to nakedness, the sun-kissed skin unblemished and smooth even after the many centuries. To feel it with her fingers, a sensation almost smoother than silk, brought goosebumps to her own. She loved to caress it, to tend to it like a garden. When she looked on that beautiful figure, she saw the life she valued more than her own. So she loved that figure.

The lovely, freckled visage of Applejack disappeared from Celestia’s view, but could not be forgotten. How could she ever hope to forget such a friendly smile, such loving warmth that came from it- especially when she felt the first gentle, tentative laps darting in between her folds. The compliant, generous tongue of this good farmgirl that now lapped away hungrily in the depths of her lower lips for whatever graces she could hope to bestow, for what fluids she could hope to drink of deeply. Celestia could feel each stroke that was given in love and grace and she began to squirm from the feeling of it that seemed to burst and fade across her body like a firework. For the gentle words that came from it, and for so much more, she loved that mouth-

A pause, a break in the outpouring of affections. As Celestia’s senses dropped their focus from Applejack’s lovemaking, that blonde beauty extracting herself so as to pay heed to her surroundings, the Princess also found herself occupied by something else: a sound, distant and faint, but certainly distinct. Not a natural sound of an insentient, unfeeling creature.

“Do- do you hear that?” Applejack asked slowly, face held by concentration. “It sounds like someone yelling something.”

Celestia made effort to pause and listen. Something was there, distant as though across the other side of the world- and it certainly sounded human in nature. But what it was she wasn’t quite sure of, and it soon disappeared from audible hearing. Another momentary pause and there was nothing. “Strange.”

“One way of putting it,” Applejack remarked, though her eyes were starting to regain that desirous glow. “I guess… nah. Were you saying something?”

“I don’t believe so,” Celestia answered. “Not anything consequential yet, my darling farmer.”

“Oh, is that what you think?” Applejack replied, crawling upwards along Celestia’s pristine form to grant a dampened, sweetened kiss, the tip of her tongue massaging the fabric of her lips. “How much longer before I start to make you sing?”

Celestia did not have to wait very long before she could answer that question, the two bound together in the bonds of love. Shared, and shared experience.

Rainbow Dash knew it was weird. Of course it was weird, she was spying on an engaged couple as they walked on private property while she remained far at a distance with her gaze fixated upon them, using eyesight that would make a falcon jealous. Normal people probably didn’t do this. This was unusual, somewhat petty, and on the strange side of legal.

But hot damn, it was weird as shit- and it didn’t stop Rainbow Dash from keeping an eye on the couple as they flounced through the trees like a giggling pair of idiots. There was so much to despise in this; whether it be that soppy, cloying smile on that fuck-stick of a Princess’ face or the appalling realization that Applejack was actually going along with it! The entirety of the sight made Rainbow want to gag; this was a travesty of justice, and she couldn’t think of a way to fix it! How was she supposed to have zealous, spirited, breath-stealing fuck-sessions with Applejack if this putz was in the way? Life just wasn’t fair. That should be her down there with that freckled-face farmer, waltzing through an apple orchard that would give life to an endless supply of sweet, sweet cider! Instead, she was having to see that royal clown in her place and being some ungodly pretender to the throne.

Rainbow shifted herself further along the ridgeline. They’d fallen out of sight on the edge of the northern orchard (had she helped seed that one? She couldn’t quite remember) and she needed to reposition herself. She had to see this was all for real and not some horrible joke, some wicked dream that her own mind had somehow concocted in some effort of self-torture. Was Applejack really going to marry this necromantic whore?

A slip and fall, Rainbow Dash nearly crashing down half the hill before she managed to return to a safe footing. “Damn it all,” she muttered, wiping away the specks of dirt that now clung to her flawless, muscled legs. Now, where had that hussy gone with her beautiful redneck? She’d lost sense of placement, an easy thing to do at this great a distance. She looked forward yet again and saw movement beneath one of the apple trees-

Oh god.

Oh GOD.

When Twilight Sparkle had been told the news, it had come to of little surprise. Beautiful Princess Celestia, the ruler of Equestria, her dear mentor and the woman she had crushed on for most of her life, was getting married to one of her closest friends. It had been something easy to see whenever Applejack had talked of that radiant woman, an inevitable reality that seemed so impossible to miss. Of course the engagement came as little surprise, and the delirious happiness she saw on her dear friend’s face was more than enough to deaden whatever sense of jealousy and disappointment might have come in reaction to it.

When she had first found out that Applejack was seeing the Princess had come as a shock. Years ago, a confused and uncertain farmer had wandered through her door with tales of a teasing Princess that had left her with a goodbye kiss. The story had been shocking, and nearly debilitated the poor librarian. It was a horrid moment to realize that a long-time, deeply held affection would forever be unfounded. Celestia had never cared for her, her prized student, in such a romantic manner. Instead, it would be to one of her friends.

Twilight could have called it a cruel irony. A sneering twist of fate. That sort of natural mockery that arose out of the course of life, destined to poke and prod at a wounded spirit. But when time had been allowed to pass, the perspective had changed. She saw how happy the Princess’ affections made Applejack, how at ease the farmgirl had made Celestia. How could she remain jealous and disappointed in the face of such things? A schoolyard crush on a favorite teacher faded as new thought tempered immaturity. She could be happy for her dear teacher, and for her hard-working friend. They were happy, in love, and made all the better together. Besides, her own happiness had been tended to in a fashion, hadn’t it?

When the engagement had been announced, Twilight was genuinely happy for them both. The announcement party had been delightful, the time with her friends had been well-spent, and there had been laughter to make it all better. When she looked upon Luna and Fluttershy to see the affections that they quietly lavished upon one another, it took little presence of mind to realize another wedding would not be far down the road. There was so much to be happy about that she hadn’t noticed Rainbow Dash was absent until after they had crossed paths the very next day.

Fluttershy had brought her the news, and Twilight made up her mind to go pay the oblivious athlete a visit. Somehow, Rainbow Dash hadn’t figured out Applejack and Celestia had been together, despite the royal courtship having gone on for over two years. When she had found out, Fluttershy told her, the reaction had been- poor.

And when Twilight pushed open Rainbow’s already-ajar front door to be met by the repugnant pong of stale drink that billowed out to meet her, she knew this was probably not going to go well. Parading through unopened mail (one shiny invitation easily sighted in the mix) and tossed bottles of liquor, it would not take a detective to ascertain clues that Rainbow Dash was not dealing with this well. The smell was just gravy to the matter.

“Oh, this is just unsanitary,” she muttered, wading through the sea of refuse and into the darkened living room where Rainbow Dash lay gasping, a choking sound that sounded like screams being held by tears rasping from her throat. The half-empty bottle in her hand was precariously balanced, seemingly eager to tip over and spill its contents onto the marble floor. “Rainbow Dash, are you alright?”

“She stole my girl,” Rainbow answered, though not seeming to actually speak to Twilight at all. “That skeezy ho stole my girl.”

Twilight felt a flicker of anger at that. Celestia had been her long-time teacher, a patient, ever-gentle spirit that had treated her kindly. “Princess Celestia isn’t some moustache-twirling villain, Rainbow,” Twilight said in a manner of forced calm. “And Applejack isn’t your girl. She’s engaged, you should be happy for her!”

“How did it happen so fast?” Rainbow wailed. “One day Applejack was pining after Rarity, all sad and mopey… and then the next! She’s eating Princess Pussy!”

“Classy. Rainbow, you do realize that Applejack and Princess Celestia have been dating for over two years, right? That they have been romantically entangled for a long time?”

Rainbow Dash glared at her, not happy to be reminded of a fact that she had somehow missed. Feeling like an idiot wasn’t one of her favorite hobbies. “Shuttup, Twilight,” she muttered, bringing the liquor bottle to her lips and downing most of its remaining contents.

“What? I didn’t say anything mean or anything!” Twilight protested. “Rainbow, you’re being silly. I get being upset, but this is an overreaction! You’re just… hurting yourself at this point! Be sad, but let it be. And then be happy for Applejack! She’s getting married, for heaven’s sake. She wants us to be part of the wedding!”

“Yeah, not… shit- not gonna happen!” Rainbow declared, trying to rise up from her place on the couch and failing. “The only wedding Applejack and I will be in will be- be- be, fuck- will be ours! And then we’ll fuck in front of everdoby! Fuck, I mean-”

“Because this is a healthy coping mechanism. Rainbow, just let it go,” Twilight insisted. “Accept Applejack is getting married, and let it go. Besides, you had a chance to date her, more than once! But you liked Rarity instead, and then you two broke up. So what if Applejack is marrying someone else?”

“Because is- it- it should be me!” Rainbow cried. “She should want me, not some prissy-faced bitch!”

“That b- woman you’re referring to is my favorite teacher,” Twilight replied, now struggling to bite her tongue. “Be kind, Rainbow. And don’t feed your immaturity, it’s not worthy of you.”

“Yeah, yeah. OK, cool. So where’s Fluttershy? I’m gonna eat her pussy,” Rainbow Dash slurred. “I bet she’d be up for it.”

Twilight looked like she couldn’t believe her ears. “Rainbow, are you actually serious? Please- oh come on, Rainbow! You had to know that was happening!”

“Know what- oh sweet hell-”

“Fluttershy has been dating Luna for almost a year now,” Twilight answered. “They’re private, yeah, but Fluttershy is your best friend. They’re probably ‘Royal Wedding 2.0’ not far down the road- and they’re so cute together, come on, Rainbow.”

Rainbow Dash clearly had not known and seemed inclined to vomit in response rather than speak. When she found her voice in the midst of her stomach’s contents, she spluttered, “Well, but- how about Rarity? We were together before!”

“She’s been dating Fleur-De-Lis. You know, the model from Canterlot?”

Rainbow was now clearly drowning, desperately flailing for something to cling to. “W- what about you? You wanna make out with me?” It was almost a plea.

Twilight now felt very much under examination and she gave a nervous giggle. “So, uh, funny story-”

“Don’t you dare,” Rainbow growled.

“I’m… polyamorous? Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle came to me when they were both eighteen and… well, uh-”

“Oh you're shitting me!”Rainbow absolutely screamed, leaping up from her place on the couch with a roar that could split the rocks. “What sweet, unholy manner of fuck! What a bunch of bullshit!”

“You’re not taking this well,” Twilight said hastily, backing away from her enraged friend and towards the still-open front door. “Tell you what, I’ll come back when you’re not an angry lump of oblivious drunkenness and see how you’re doing. Sound good?”

Rainbow reached for the nearest bottle she could find so she could throw it in her smarmy friend’s face, only to remember she had one in her hand- but paused, because that still had liquor in it and she wanted to drink that, so she took one from the mantelpiece and decided to throw that one instead. When she turned back around to take aim, Twilight had already disappeared.

A scream echoed through the palace of a house, Rainbow now wandering through the halls in a sloppy, drunken rage. None of this should have happened. She should be marrying Applejack! She should be eating sweet apple farmer pussy, making apple cider and getting richer than an oversized fat-cat. But she was here in her tiny little house and drinking herself to death! And who was to blame for all this?

“Celestia,” Rainbow Dash snarled, coming to an abrupt halt in her wandering. “Dammit, I’m not gonna have it! I’m gonna… I’m gonna win Applejack back and I’m gonna, gonna, gon-” She stood absolutely straight and bellowed at the top of her lungs, “I’m gonna kill that stupid heaven-haired bitch Princess Celestia, even if it’s the last thing I do!”

Determination flowed through her, giving vibrant limbs strength and fire. She was invincible, she was unstoppable, she would soon have her beloved in hand and prevent a catastrophic marriage-

“Hurk- OHFUCK!” Rainbow chocked, promptly gagging before she puked all across the floor.

Author's Note

This is stupid.
This is also fun.

Whatever. Keep reading. Yap away, if you feel like it.

Chapter Three: Rainbow Dash Gains an Accomplice

The pale blue of the morning greeted the Princess when she awoke, finding herself much closer to the edge of the bed than perhaps some would have expected. For one who was used to luxury, as much space and comfort as she could asked for, the gossamer woman hardly took up much room. A long, slow blink, one that gave her the sentience required to take in her surroundings, memory giving name to where she lay. This was not her royal bedchambers, held deep within the confines of polished stone and brick that made up the Canterlot palace, but aged wood repaired over the years by a loving family with whom she had chosen to spend her days- and now offered a place for her as well. A small stretch and she felt the peaceful, still-slumbering form of her beloved curled beside her, Applejack snoring softly as the gentle sunlight poured in from the nearby window.

Now she remembered. Last night, uncomfortable with the excess of intrusions at the formal engagement party in Canterlot- they had disappeared together to the Apple family homestead and taken solace alongside Big Mac and Sugar Belle. The two couples had enjoyed the simplicity of unimpressive company, no rank or structure or ego to stifle good nature and kind word. Celestia, for her part, found the atmosphere of the unassuming Apples delightful; she could be a girl, carefree and playful without looks of reproach or reminders of some unimportant ‘station’ she was supposedly meant to maintain. She was not Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria among her future in-laws- she was merely Celestia, whom Applejack loved. Applejack wasn’t a Princess-in-Waiting, just a hardworking owner of a family business. The frivolity and nonsense of Canterlot was lost and forgotten here, just as they liked it.

Celestia smiled as she watched her fiancé sleep on, that freckled face she found so lovely to the eye not burdened by worry or weariness that could so easily become a fixture in her waking hours. Applejack cared so deeply for her family, for this farm, that its wellbeing was always on her mind; now and evermore, this homestead and those who dwelled here would forever be secure. Never again would they know want, she would make sure of that. Perhaps subconsciously, the besotted Princess stroked the stray hairs out of Applejack’s eyes, allowing no obstruction of the view she adored. This woman was the one she loved, would marry! It was almost too good to be true.

The movement of gentle fingers across her face was enough to awaken the hardworking woman, Applejack’s eyelids fluttering several times over before true consciousness came into action. Those deep-green eyes found her companion and found reason to smile. “Morning,” she whispered.

“Morning, my darling,” Celestia replied, placing a kiss on Applejack’s nose. “How are we today?”

“Better, now that I’ve seen you.”

“Flatterer,” Celestia giggled, though she felt a glow of delight at the compliment. “Time to start our day, you think?”

“And it’s gonna be a busy one, I’ll bet,” Applejack said, sitting up straight and stretching her arms out wide. “Well, let’s get to it. I’m feeling breakfast first, what about you?’

“Breakfast sounds lovely,” Celestia sighed, mouth beginning to water at the thought of fresh biscuits topped with homemade jam. She slid out from her place beneath the covers and made to pull open the bedroom door-

“Uh, Celestia? Don’t open the door!” Applejack called-

“What, why? What’s wrong?”

Applejack bit back a laugh. “Well, sugarcube… you’re still pretty naked,” she said.

Celestia peered down at her flawless body, exposed to the elements, and discovered that her fiancé was quite right. “My, I have gotten comfortable here,” she remarked.

“Maybe you should put on your nightgown before you go?”

“If I must,” Celestia said, sighing dramatically. “Oh, it would be much easier to go through life nude.”

“Not for everyone around you, it wouldn’t.”

Unsurprisingly, the kitchen was already bustling with morning activity when the loving couple made their way downstairs, Sugar Belle standing over a pot of grits when they arrived. “Morning, you two!” she said warmly. “Coffee’s on the pot if you want any- and tea if you’d like some, Celestia. I don’t mind sharing.”

“I would indeed, thank you,” Celestia replied, unsure whether she delighted more in the thoughtful act or the speaking of her name. It had taken Sugar Belle some time for her to lose her gentle-hearted formality in regards to the Princess, despite their oncoming bond as members of the same family.

“Morning, Sugar Belle. Where’s Big Mac- or Apple Bloom, for that matter?” Applejack asked, coming over to pour herself a large bowl of grits. “Saw her door was closed.”

“Apple Bloom had to go into town already, I think the Cakes were asking for some repairs on their kitchen,” the cheery-eyed woman answered. “Big Mac’s outside, loading up the cart.”

Applejack paused. “Y’all are leaving already?”

“Heard from Flitter yesterday that the weather’s supposed to turn bad this afternoon,” Sugar Belle said. “Big Mac and I decided we’d head out early, just in case we got slowed down somewhere. Ginger and Crispin are out there with him, of course, you know how they love riding on the horses beforehand.” Ginger Spice and Crispin, the youngest children of the Apple family, were a rambunctious pair. It was a surprise they hadn’t awoken the entire household, if they were already up and moving about.

“And you made all this food for everyone?” Celestia asked, feeling somewhat ashamed to take use of such hospitality. “Sugar Belle, you shouldn’t have. You’re taking some of this with you, correct?”

“Oh, it’s alright! I’ve already packed up our breakfasts and put them in the carriage,” Sugar Belle replied swiftly, waving away the Princess concerns’ for her without a thought. “I know this family well enough now, don’t I? Never such a thing as a full belly.”

In due time, the rest of the family returned indoors and greeted the late arrivals, Ginger happily crawling her way into Celestia’s lap to gabble away like young children do. Though Sugar Belle looked apprehensive about the situation, Celestia could hardly contain her delight. Young children never saw the crown she wore, or the status her name carried- she was just Celestia to these dear souls. It was far too soon that the small family waved their good-byes to the couple and headed for the door.

“Y’all will back here in time to start going over wedding details, right?” Applejack called.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied, his usual vocabulary hardly enough to fill a sticky note.

“And Big Mac- be careful, for heaven’s sake. You’re gonna be a part of that wedding and you know it, so don’t go off and get yourself hurt.”

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Sugar Belle called. “See you all next week, enjoy yourselves!”

“Tell your family I said hello!” Celestia said.

In the wake of silence, the two women simply ate through their meal and then began to make themselves ready for the day. Celestia, though she did not wish it, would have to return to Canterlot, while Applejack would have her duties on the farm to attend to. The separation they endured was not enjoyable, especially when they considered that some measure of it would continue on even after the marriage had begun. Celestia’s plans for a summer court away from Canterlot was not yet accepted by some of the nobility.

“Remind me of what’s on that list again?” Applejack asked.

“Mm? Oh, yes,” Celestia said, a snap of her fingers bringing forth a substantial piece of parchment covered in written ink. “Let us see: guest list needs to be finalized, invitations made and sent out… we’ll need to purchase our wedding dresses, choose the bridesmaids dresses, choose a cake design, get the rings made- just to name a few,” she added. Even Princess Celestia, one overly familiar with an excess of lists and duties to cover, found herself intimidated by the number of things that would need to be accomplished. “And we only have three months.”

Applejack sighed aloud, knowing she’d have to take on help for the farm- many of those tasks on that massive list required her presence. “We should’ve thought of some of these sooner,” she murmured. “It’s going to be an awful rush.”

“One that we will manage,” Celestia replied, leaning over and kissing the farmgirl’s lips gently. “At least we have some comforts already; Pinkie Pie is working diligently with the Cakes and has promised the catering will be covered, Rarity has some designs already drawn for us, and –most importantly- we have our friends to help us along the way.”

“I guess so,” Applejack said uncertainly. “It just feels like so much right now. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you’re looking at it from this end, that’s all.”

“So it is a very good thing we have so many people who are glad to help,” Celestia assured her. “And, we have one another. I am sure we will see it done.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Celestia whispered. “We’ve no reason to worry.”

Applejack studied the Princess’s confident expression, her own freckled visage splitting into a grin. “Mind convincing me of that, sugarcube?” she asked coyly.

Celestia, it turned out, didn’t mind at all.

Rainbow Dash discovered, much to her annoyance, that vengeance often had to wait a little while. It also didn’t help that she awoke to the worst hangover of her existence. For a time, she wasn’t sure whether or not she’d bitten off more than she could chew. Vengeful promises made during one’s drunken rambling to the ether hardly sounded problematic- the issues usually arose when a more sober temperament thought of them much later.

Celestia wasn’t exactly going to be an easy target. That slight problem of her being the most powerful person in the kingdom didn’t help things, and her magical abilities that transcended reality didn’t allow for many mistakes. Not to mention the surplus of guards she possessed, the political power, being the final word in who lives or dies in the whole damn country- All the small, little intangibles that built up over time. And who was her opponent? The Rainbow Dash, the greatest athlete in Equestria, member of the Wonderbolts, and Wrecker of Shit. Or so she hoped.

A week went by, and then another. Over a month passed and Rainbow’s predilection to assassination had yielded little fruit. It wasn’t the lack of thought that was the issue, really. She wasn’t scared or anything. No, of course not. She just needed something absolutely foolproof, something so perfect and dashing and special that the moment she’d done the deed, there Applejack would be to fall into her arms and never leave. Nothing too challenging. She had ideas, she just needed a few… tweaks. Rainbow would have it together soon enough. Definitely.

Mornings were her least favorite part of the day, so the best solution she’d ever discovered was to sleep through them. The infallible plan had never failed her before, so of course it now failed spectacularly since she couldn’t stay asleep anymore. It didn’t matter when she awoke- three in the morning or eight, five or eleven, awake she would be in utter totality and have no capabilities bringing herself back to slumber. The covers wouldn’t feel right, the ultra-king-size would be too big, it was too cold in her bedroom, on and on the list went. The bed needed Applejack, she concluded: Applejack, having been thoroughly loved and exhausted by her magnificent skills in the art of sex. It’d happen, if she could only think of a way!

When she left her miniature palace, Rainbow grimaced at the sight of it. The place was too large now, feeling too empty. She needed someone to dwell in it with her, to make it feel a little less spacious. But how? Any idea she’d had didn’t seem to amount to much, no matter how far she let it play out in her mind. If she were honest, the whole thing felt like a failed attempt and she hadn’t even started.

Rainbow, deep down, knew that she was kidding herself. To actually try to kill Princess Celestia was likely to end in disaster and put an end to whatever hopes she had at a decent life. Hell, actually succeeding was probably worse an outcome than her trying and failing- if she were serious with herself for a moment, the outcomes of what she was wanting to do were horrible: even if she didn’t immediately get arrested –if she pulled the whole thing off- she’d have to live on the lam for the rest of her life. What sort of life was that? Especially for Applejack, the woman who more dearly loved her roots and her home than anyone else. It would be a miserable thing to endure, their being together likely not enough to overcome the squalor of such an existence. No warm bed, no peaceful days and nights in blissful, sex-crazed harmony, no sort of happily-ever-after… just awful.

And that would be if she survived. No doubt they’d execute you for regicide, laws against execution be damned. Rainbow gave a shudder; the idea of one’s head being rolled off a cliff like a child with a stone didn’t appeal to her in the least.

Just accept it, she counseled herself. You’re out of your depth here, it’s over. Celestia is gonna marry Applejack and that’s the end of it. Might as well just deal with it and move on with your damn life. It’s not like there aren’t other fish in the sea or something- right?

She walked to her mailbox and found the morning newspaper sticking out like a malformed, grey turd and she grabbed at it listlessly- only to be graced with a picture of Celestia and Applejack standing together as they overlooked a series of cake designs, the headline below the photograph reading: Royal Couple Selects Wedding Cake.

Rainbow quivered. Celestia, the stupid cow, was actually paying attention to the row of intricate designs, mulling it over with whatever she could call ‘thought’ and trying to select one out. But as she minded the useless frippery, Applejack was looking at the Princess with such an oily, slavish, infatuated gaze that made it appear as though the only thing in the entirety of the wedding she truly cared about was that rotten, no-good, woman-stealing, street-walking whore of a Princess.

“I’m gonna kill that bitch.”

“Oh- good afternoon, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight Sparkle was there at the counter in a chat with Mrs. Cake, the young woman seeming surprised at the arrival of her friend. “I haven’t seen you in ages, where have you been?”

Going around her house in a strange, despairing stupor is where she’d been, but that wasn’t the sort of thing a strong, capable woman was going to admit. Rainbow gave a small little wave of greeting but said nothing, her attentions focused less on people and more on the immense wedding cake that was on display in the dead center of the bakery, a beautiful pillar of soft white-and-gold fluff that still awaited its last layer of icing. “Whoa.”

“It’s gorgeous, isn’t it?” Twilight said pleasantly, coming over to the prismatic woman’s side and regarding the colossal confectionery with a bright smile. “The Cakes have really outdone themselves on this one, it took them almost a week just to figure out how they wanted to make it! But just… it’s going to be almost as beautiful as the brides!”

A taste in her throat like vomit, but Rainbow held firm- and then immediately a bolt of horror. “Is the wedding real soon?” she asked.

“Not for another two months, though even that seems like it’s really close, if you think about it,” Twilight replied. “But we’ll manage; I got asked to come over today and put a Preservation Spell on the cake, so it’ll be able to stay on display for people to take a look- and still stay fresh!”

“Neat.”

“It’s not quite done yet, I’m afraid,” Mrs. Cake interrupted, coming over to speak to Twilight. “We’ve had a bit of an accident, Ms. Sparkle- the secondary layer of icing we were supposed to add isn’t quite ready, we’ll have to start a new batch for tomorrow.”

“Does it have to sit overnight or something?” Rainbow asked, suddenly poking into the conversation. Her mind was onto something here…

“The icing we make is special, Ms. Dash,” Mrs. Cake answered. “Something magical that we only use for weddings, you know! One good layer across the whole cake and it’ll be the best-tasting cake ever made!”

“Hmm…”

“I’ll still put the spell on it for you before I go, Mrs. Cake,” Twilight said. “And if you need me to remove it tomorrow so you can finish it, just ask. But you won’t have a lot of time to work in.”

“Oh please, like I’ll need a lot of time,” Mrs. Cake replied airily. “Who do you think will be helping me make it?”

“Too true,” Twilight whispered. As Mrs. Cake walked away, Twilight stole a look around the bakery to ensure she and Rainbow Dash had some level of privacy. “Rainbow… I know the last time we talked, you weren’t doing alright. Do you- you know, feel any better?”

Oh. That. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied. Of course one is fine when you’re concocting plans to kill your romantic rival.

“I want you know that I know how you feel, Rainbow,” Twilight said sympathetically. “It’s a hard thing to accept, but I’m glad you came around. I was afraid you’d overreact and do something silly!”

She wasn’t overreacting at all, and Rainbow Dash knew it. Her course of action was perfectly logical.

“Ohmygosh- Hi, Rainbow Dash!” The violently cheerful sound of a delighted young woman suddenly cut through the attempt at meaningful conversation and outpouring of touching emotion to a grinding halt; Rainbow Dash, however, did the complete opposite and nearly got thrown into the nearby wall as a frizzy, pink-haired woman practically crashed through the display cases and took Rainbow Dash into a bone-crushing, brilliantly enthusiastic hug that more than squeezed the breath out of her lungs. “It’s so good to see you, I was so worried about you! I hadn’t seen you in ages and I was wondering if I needed to come over and see that you were alright and make sure that you weren’t upset about anything and maybe I could help you feel better since we’re all invited to the wedding and everything-”

“Uh, Pinkie?”

“-So I started working on making you some cupcakes so you and I could have a picnic together and when I got to working was when Mr. Cake accidently grabbed my icing instead and tried to use it on Applejack and Princess Celestia’s wedding cake and so now-”

“Pinkie!” Twilight cried. “Ease off for a moment!”

“Oh yeah, I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”

“No- well yes- Rainbow’s not breathing!” The neurotic woman said.

“Oh jeez!” In an instant, Pinkie Pie had relinquished her unconsciously tight grip on her friend and Rainbow Dash collapsed to the ground as she spluttered, wheezing and coughing in the hopes she’d find her next breath. “Sorry, Rainbow Dash! I promise I didn’t mean to be so- you know, squeezy!”

“Fine,” Rainbow gasped, wondering if her lungs would ever recover.

“Sorry, just uh- here, let me help you up,” Pinkie said, a bit more softly this time around. The young woman’s morose expression only lasted for a moment and was soon replaced by shining happiness, her eyes wide as she beheld Rainbow Dash before her. The two women were polar opposites in terms of physical appearance: Pinkie Pie carried a bit more weight than most, and perhaps could be considered on the shorter side- a complete reversal of tall and sleek Rainbow Dash. But Pinkie made up for her deficiencies in other ways, including her indomitable attitude. “Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“Pinkie, please be more careful next time, will you?” Twilight asked of her. “You nearly knocked over the cake and just about crushed Rainbow Dash.”

“I’m sorry! I just wanted to say hi to Rainbow Dash, you know that!” the frizzy-haired woman answered, looking genuinely ashamed of herself.

“Well… I guess you didn’t hurt the cake or anything,” Twilight remarked. “But Rainbow…”

Pinkie looked back at her prismatic friend with the softest, most round eyes that could be seen in a human being, looking more dejected than a disciplined puppy. Even Rainbow Dash, whose thoughts were on much more important matters, hardly had it in her to hold a grudge. “I’m fine, Pinkie,” she said at last.

Pinkie beamed and gave her friend another hug, this time far more gently. When she broke the embrace her hands went to Rainbow’s and held them fast, she saying, “I know I promised you some cupcakes to make you feel better, but I guess that got messed up. Can I still take you on that picnic?”

Rainbow’s plan for that wedding cake wasn’t something she could achieve now, not with so many prying eyes keeping watch on that miserable monument to romantic theft. She’d have to wait till the cover of darkness before returning and completing her objective. “Sure, might as well,” she replied. At least it would distract her from the infuriating thought of Princess Celestia’s sneering, punchable face.

Twilight smiled, perhaps a little knowingly. “The weather’s great out today,” she remarked. “You two have a good time, alright?”

“You don’t want to come with?” Rainbow Dash asked, surprised that Twilight would pass up the opportunity to be with her friends. “I thought you said they wouldn’t need you here today.”

“Yeah, well…” Twilight’s smile was more a smirk. “I think I’m wanted elsewhere, for now. But you can certainly have fun. Right, Pinkie Pie?”

“You bet! Thanks, Twilight!” Pinkie said, guiding Rainbow back behind the front of the bakery and up to her own personal apartment set atop it, the food-enthused woman searching for the basket she wanted to fill. “Grab whatever you want for food, Rainbow! Oh, I’m so excited!”

Rainbow Dash believed there were better spots for a picnic.

For example, hills that weren’t overlooking Sweet Apple Acres.

She half-wondered if Pinkie was mocking her purposely. Putting her so close to the farm that called the love of her life home, letting her see its verdant orchards so full of life, the farmhouse that gave shelter to that wonderful family easily in view… it was all too miserably wonderful a sight. So pristine and peaceful and perfect that it was all Rainbow could do to not rush down the hillside and into that farmhouse where Applejack waited to be ravished so as to take her away from that miserable Princess forever. She certainly knew Applejack better. Rainbow Dash had women figured out perfectly, so deeply that she would have bet money that she knew where Applejack liked to be touched- and just exactly how. But no, that wretch of a crown-holder had to just waltz on in and be some syrupy, dripping mess of an idiot that didn’t have the brains to fill an espresso cup. And where did she get the gall-

“Rainbow! Come on, silly, you’re zoning out again!” Pinkie’s voice cut through the furious monologue and crashed Rainbow Dash back to reality. No, she was not down in a farmhouse thrashing Princess Celestia, she was on a grassy hilltop next to Pinkie Pie, who was wearing a bright-pink dress with a frilled skirt that matched her frizzy hair so perfectly that the over-exuberant girl looked like bubblegum with legs. “You’re supposed to have fun at a picnic, not be all mopey and unhappy!”

Clueless, as usual. Pinkie Pie didn’t have an idea as to what was giving Rainbow Dash the runaround, nor did she have reason to know. Pinkie Pie was just being Pinkie Pie to the core. Rainbow Dash shrugged and gave a half-smile to let her friend know that at least her words had been heard.

“Are you OK, Rainbow Dash?” Pinkie asked, her usual verve softening as she seemed genuinely concerned by her companion’s dismal demeanor. “You look unhappy about something. It’s not me, is it?”

“Huh? Oh, no way,” Rainbow answered, and meaning it. Actually hurting Pinkie’s feelings like that probably could be considered some sort of crime. “Just thinking about some stuff, that’s all.”

“If… if you want to leave, that’s OK, too,” the energetic woman added even more quietly. “I don’t want to accidentally make you feel worse.”

“You’re not, Pinkie. I promise!” Rainbow said. “Honestly, thanks for the picnic. It’s… nice. I haven’t eaten anything today, so it helps.”

Pinkie Pie’s displeasure evaporated in an instant and she gave her friend a joyful hug in response, perhaps holding Rainbow longer than what one would consider normal. “Just checking! Twilight and Fluttershy have said you’ve kinda been down in the dumps lately, so I was hoping I’d be able to cheer you up! And I actually got to- I’m so happy!”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t truly cheered up, but the vivacious girl was a welcome distraction until nightfall when she’d have to get to work. Spending time with Pinkie could be exhausting, but it wasn’t what one would call dull, so she knew she’d have her time spent without watching it tick by. Small talk and light conversation was the fare over a simple, freshly made lunch, Pinkie Pie’s enthusiasm for swapping stories and jokes helping it all roll by smoothly.

“So when’s your next performance with the Wonderbolts, Rainbow?” Pinkie asked. “You were just with them a few months ago in Manehatten, are they gonna ask you to start being a regular performer?”

Rainbow grinned. “Maybe. I know Spitfire was thinking about it but I haven’t heard anything yet. But I don’t know why they wouldn’t want me with them!”

“I know, right?” Pinkie replied, nodding eagerly in assent. “Why not have the Rainbow Dash with you for every performance? You know they’d never be able to sell enough tickets if you were always around!”

“I- well… thanks, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, taken aback by the sincerity of the woman’s words. She had meant it. The smile that was on Rainbow’s face was unbidden but welcome, and just as eagerly returned.

“I remember when you invited us to go up with you, after your performance- all the girls came running to you, didn’t they?” Pinkie teased. “And they all seemed to really like you.”

“Who can blame them?” Rainbow replied. “Anyone would look great with me on their arm.”

“Uh-huh! And you’d deserve to have a great girlfriend, too! One who really likes you, wants to be there with you- and, well, you know- everything!”

“I can’t agree more,” Rainbow said smugly, not noticing Pinkie Pie seemed to be bracing herself for something-

“Oh no- Wait, grab that!” Pinkie cried, a sudden gust of wind along the hilltop grabbing hold of some unkempt trash and sending it casting into the skies. Without another word Pinkie Pie was after it, desperate to not let her litter fly halfway across Equestria, the trash seemingly trying to avoid her scrambling by remaining high in the sky.

Rainbow tried not to laugh as she watched Pinkie go about below in a maddened rush. At the very least, spending time with Pinkie wasn’t going to be dull. But now that her mind was unoccupied and allowed to roam free, her mind drifted downwards to a particular farmhouse where a particularly beautiful blonde lived.

The prismatic athlete lay down and gazed downwards to Apple family homestead, wondering if she’d be able to spot Applejack hard at work down there. In her trademark hat and boots, soft plaid shirt and jacket to go along with the jeans that so finely accentuated her luscious ass, so perfectly made that you couldn’t find an equal meal in a posh restaurant. And those beautiful, squeezable, tantalizing breasts that demanded Rainbow’s masterful adoration! It’d all be hers soon, there for her wonderful skills, her admiration of the female form. She could imagine exactly how it would feel, down to the smallest detail. She would be the more dominant one, all of Applejack’s country bravado fading in the bedroom. Oh, but she’d be gentle at first, careful and loving- only to descend into wonderful, vicious pits of passion that would leave the farmgirl squealing loud enough to wake the whole kingdom. And one session would be all it would take to make Applejack adore Rainbow and Rainbow alone for the rest of their lives, all thought about some miscreant Princess completely forgotten-

“Am I interrupting something private, Rainbow Dash?”

Eyes flashed painfully wide, reality crashing down in what was possibly the most horrendous situation to be caught in. Rainbow Dash returned to some semblance of reality and felt the all-powerful sense of horror. She was not with Applejack. She was not in the farmhouse. She was instead on the hilltop overlooking it with Pinkie Pie lying beside her- and all the while, Rainbow Dash’s hand has subconsciously moved down to the depths of her pants to flick away.

She was certainly in Hell. Should she move, say anything? If she removed her hand from its desirous explorations, it’d be an unmistakable move. Pinkie Pie, innocence and laughter, couldn’t possibly be allowed to know.

As if she needed to be humiliated, Pinkie Pie took Rainbow’s arm and extracted it from beneath her, the young woman seemingly marveling at the viscous liquids that had dampened eager, plying fingers. “Getting a feel for ourselves?” she asked lightly.

“Pinkie-” she was doomed.

“And I bet you’re all sorts of dirty down there, aren’t you?” Pinkie continued, her eyes now little more than gleaming slits to match her mysterious grin. “I think you’ve been making a mess out here, Rainbow Dash.”

Kill me. Rainbow Dash was fumbling around for something to say, trying to salvage what was probably the worst moment in her life. And she was going to have to walk back home like this, with pants that may have been soaked through. She wanted to die, to just be sent straight to Hell and- and she noticed her pants were being taken off. Slowly, gently, something was moving beneath her so as to-

It was someone. “Pink-”

“Don’t worry, Rainbow,” Pinkie said sweetly. “I’ll help you clean it up.”

Not OK, not OK! Rainbow wanted to be a million miles away from here, no matter what it looked like she wanted. She just wanted to hide or die, she hadn’t actually meant to touch herself, it was just subconscious and stupid-

Rainbow felt the first caress like the touch of a feather on her skin, but against nerves so sensitive that it made her pause mid-breath. She hadn’t actually felt that… right? That had been nimble. “Pinkie..?”

Another one, this time a bit deeper, and a little more time spent in it. And then another, just as deep but more varied. Pinkie was exploring, looking for the most sensitive spots Rainbow Dash had. A new caress, deep and slow so as to make a mark of breadth rather than speed- and leaving Rainbow Dash quite uncertain as to what she thought about this. This wasn’t normal, right? Was she supposed to protest? It wasn’t like she hadn’t had sex with random girls before, but this was Pinkie Pie and that was someone she knew. Look at how Rarity despised her now, this wasn’t something that could just go on and-

A new tonguestroke, more exploratory but succeeding in finding the mark; without meaning to, Rainbow Dash squirmed. It had been a good sensation to feel. Oh shit, wait-

Pinkie Pie knew she’d struck gold and gave such a marvelous lick that Rainbow tried to suppress a moan and failed, the happy sound becoming strangled and exiting as a murmur. Pinkie Pie was good at this. Holy FUCK-

It was over almost before it began. Pinkie Pie, the feminine maestro of all things edible, suddenly put her hidden knowledge of female anatomy to work and brought Rainbow Dash to near tears. Sighs had to be muffled, squeals turned to gentle moans, anything to try and hide at just how good Pinkie Pie was, and to hold on a little bit longer. She was the Rainbow Dash, the one who could outlast anybody! If she gave up so quickly-

And that was when Rainbow Dash broke, giving a cry of absolute ecstasy to match the waves of pleasure that rode across her body as she released, unable to hold back for another moment. Again and again she could still feel Pinkie face-deep, not once having come up for a breath- in fact, she’d done nothing but eat throughout the whole thing, likely the most silence she’d ever given save for when sleeping.

Rainbow collapsed on the ground as she gasped, unsure of what superlatives she was supposed to use to describe what had happened. Yes, she knew Applejack would be better, would feel better, but… “Holy shit!”

Pinkie Pie wriggled her way out from beneath the thoroughly pleased woman with a grin- and not a drop of anything on her face to be seen. One quick kiss on Rainbow’s lips and she giggled madly. “I’m gonna go home, but thanks for letting me help cheer you up, Rainbow Dash!” she said, rising to her feet and packing up her picnic things with astonishing nonchalance. “See you soon! I had a great time!”

Rainbow Dash did not move, did not speak, did not do anything but lay there are stare as the frizz-maned woman walked away with a particular bounce in her step that made the frilled skirt leap along with her. She hadn’t even shown the least amount of shame- or hesitation, for that matter. “What the fuuuuuuck…”

Darkness was the cover she needed. Rainbow didn’t want to be seen in… in her condition. She hadn’t moved from that hilltop for over six hours so as to make sure. She felt the desperate need for a shower, a good scream –or maybe a cry- but she had other things she had to attend to first. And she’d need to be quiet about them.

The Cakes rarely locked their backdoor, something she had discovered some years ago when trying to sneak sweets. She would only be able to push it open so far before it would make a sound, so she had to slither her way in. One breath held in and she’d made it –avoid that board, it squeaks-! Rainbow used what gentle footfalls she could manage to make it through and into the kitchen. She knew what she was looking for.

“Boo-yah,” she whispered. Piping bags full of icing were sitting there for her to claim, stuffed with icing meant for that wretched cake that vain-ass Princess wanted. Well she was going to make that old bag regret that, even if she failed in every other way. A good dose of poison powder would see the deed done, no matter what else failed. A quick opening there and she’d done it to the first one-

Wait a minute. Realization set in and Rainbow Dash considered a possible, ugly alternative. One person dying was a tragedy- an entire wedding party dying was an act of war. And to make matters worse, Applejack would probably have some of the cake as well, she’d be killing her future wife! But she needed to think of something, that Rainbow Dash knew. She paced about with piping bags in hand and tried to get herself to mull the idea over. If she only had a better, more subtle way, but what was more subtle than poison? If she’d only-

Water on the floor finally made its mark, Rainbow Dash falling to the floor in a crash that must have echoed across half the village. Piping bags went flying, she went skidding into the cupboards, and made so much damn nois. She was so screwed, and it was definitely time to hide- or hell, just run! Grabbing the piping bag nearest to her before setting the other back on the countertop, Rainbow careened through the door and ran as fast as she could, with the intent to put significant distance between her and the scene of the near-crime.

The poisoned piping bag would need to be disposed of- discretely. But Rainbow’s plans to kill that sleazy Princess weren’t going to be just casually tossed aside. She realized subtlety was necessary, but something more focused would be better. One strike on Celestia, and just Celestia… that’s what she needed! But her mind wasn’t made for it, at least not easily. She needed a partner in crime, another thinker who could help her conjure the wild and weird and viciously strange that would be needed to pull this off. And she had a good idea of just who that would be.

Author's Note

Enter the Ponk.

Looney Tunes vibes coming up next.

Chapter Four: Rainbow Dash Commits Multiple Crimes, Pt. I

When Applejack walked out of the dressing room, she wasn’t really surprised by the over-enthusiastic gasp that promptly escaped the lips of her friend. “Why darling, it’s magnificent!” Rarity cried, looking almost in tears at the sight of her good friend that now stood dressed in white, a dress of her own making adorning the freckled skin. “You look radiant, as splendid as a ray of sunlight! Oh, it’ll be perfect!”

“You don’t think maybe it’s a bit much?” Applejack asked, eyeing herself in the mirror with some degree of uncertainty. Maybe it was because she was never really all that fashion-forward, or much of a dress person in the first place, but this didn’t seem like the sort of outfit that really suited her. Yes, it was clearly a nice wedding dress, but was it really her? “It’s just- I dunno, kinda just… a lot.”

“Nonsense, Applejack, you look glorious! Why, when Princess Celestia sees you walking down the aisle in that dress she wouldn’t be able to lay eyes on anything but you!” Rarity countered. “You’ll be the perfect bride for the perfect woman and you know it.”

“I guess. Just seems a bit revealing, is all.” The cut on her bust was lower than what she was used to normally seeing against her own skin- and the dress itself was rather flattering, seemingly too much so. “I dunno, Rarity, you think maybe they wouldn’t like it?”

“Who, Princess Celestia?”

“Well… all those fancy nobles, I guess.”

“Then let them think what they want. You’ll be just as wonderfully dressed as Princess Celestia, and just because you’ve never admitted you have a figure doesn’t mean it isn’t there,” Rarity said firmly. “Now please, put your doubts aside for a moment and look at yourself in the mirror again.”

Applejack tried to hide her self-consciousness before it could make a smile show on her face, glad she had to look elsewhere rather than her friend and dressmaker. It was nice to wear something so flattering to her body, even if she didn’t fully feel that something this -nice- was the proper sort of dress for a wedding. But Rarity had been endlessly helpful and encouraging throughout the entire ordeal, helping her sort through nerves and all sorts of jumbled emotions. The dress was just the cherry on top, if she were honest.

“You really think Celestia’ll like it?” Applejack asked meekly.

Rarity gave a confident bark of laughter. “Darling, she’ll be every degree as awestruck as you’ll be when you see her. I promised you both that you’d be the best-dressed brides in history and I don’t make promises I can’t keep. You and she will be the envy of every woman on earth for the rest of time.”

Applejack really couldn’t hold back a blush this time and she let the smile come unabated. “Alright, then. I do like it.”

Rarity, ever-confident in her abilities, simply smirked. “Of course you do, darling,” she said. “I wouldn’t have let you wear it unless you were going to.”

The fashionista reveled in her victory; Applejack was taking more time to admire herself in the mirror, more and more taken by the beauty of the dress she was adorned in, allowing herself to be lost in visions of coming days and the very beauty she herself exuded so naturally. It was something to be jealous of, really, to be graced with such natural loveliness. Applejack had strength, power in her frame- yet such a body! Rarity worked to keep hers in shape, yet this farmgirl went through life so casually and had never given it a second thought. Thank heavens Princess Celestia had decided to do something about it.

“Since the dress seems to have your eye,” she continued, “let me know if anything doesn’t feel just right. I know your measurements by heart, dear, but does anything feel too rough? Something uncomfortable?”

“Not that I can tell,” Applejack answered as though from a distance, eyes misted over as thought turned from her present circumstances to more pleasurable matters. “Uh, Rarity, you made Celestia’s dress too, right?”

She wasn’t a successful businesswoman for nothing. “And if you think I’ll let you have a preview of what the Princess will be wearing then you’re positively deluded, Applejack. I’ve said nothing of yours to her, either, so just enjoy the surprise.”

“I know, but- come on, I want a hint,” Applejack said.

“Your hint is that you’ll be marrying the loveliest woman in the world,” Rarity said flatly. “And you’d be hard pressed to think anything else when you see her.”

“Don’t you call Fleur lovely?”

“I call her gorgeous, darling, and my preferences aren’t what matter here. So, just to make sure: you want to wear the dress.”

Applejack smiled and gave a nod. “Yeah, I… I love it, Rarity. I’ll take it.”

As the farmgirl walked off to change out of her wedding dress, the fashionista gave a small, contented sigh of satisfaction. She really was good at this. And it never hurt to hear any outside confirmation of it, too.

“You know,” Applejack said as she reappeared in her usual work clothes, “I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Oh? And what of?”

“Well… you’ve made me and Tia’s wedding dresses,” Applejack said as she plucked away at fingers. “Pinkie Pie is helping with the catering. Twilight is working on invitations and ceremony, Fluttershy is helping to select music… I’m just thinking that someone’s missing.”

Rarity tried to control herself. For one thing her feelings regarding Rainbow Dash were never going to be very kind ever again, but the rumor she’d heard from other sources didn’t have much kindness to spare either. With so many helping to make Applejack and Celestia’s dream wedding come true, was it really fair to let them know everything?

“Where’s Rainbow Dash been through all of this?” Applejack inquired. “I haven’t seen her in a while, she OK? I was- well, hoping she’d be willing to do another sonic rainboom for the wedding and all, but I ain’t seen hide nor hair of her. What’s she been up to?”

Rarity, knowing she’d be more than a little biased, decided to let the truth slide in the matter. “Darling, I have no idea,” she lied.

“Two weeks. How in the holy mother of ass did I let it get this close?” Rainbow Dash grumbled. “Sitting around and trying to conceive of stupid-ass plans that aren’t worth shit and hoping that this whole bag of bullshit somehow saves itself…”

She’d allowed herself to become like this more and more as the dreaded day approached, the horrid, unfathomable union of Applejack and Celestia that would plunge the world into a darkened future of unimaginable agony. What sort of depraved nightmares would spawn from this? What untold atrocities would result if the filthy bag actually married that beautiful, wonderful, glorious woman of the apple cider? Rainbow didn’t like to imagine the thought, and so of course she couldn’t help but to think about it just as much as she spent time pondering what it would be like to eat Applejack out like she was a ripe Red Delicious, dribbling with juices. One was just as pleasant as the other was awful, and found a way to comfortably coexist in her unhappy mind.

Well, she’d need one last good ounce of reconnaissance before she tried to put some of her schemes into action, harebrained or not. One was hopefully all it would take, but that was a bit much to ask. Maybe three, if she were lucky. “And if I want luck, then I want-”

“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” That over-eager voice of a zealous baker rang clearly in her ears as Pinkie Pie raced across the village square and practically threw herself into the arms of the rainbow-haired conspirator, she more than happy to have time to spare for her dear friend. “Miss me?”

The truth was that Pinkie’s tonguework had made her feel like a pudding cup but that wasn’t here nor there; she wanted Applejack and she was gonna get Applejack, so this overweight pastry chef was just gonna have to accept that when the time came. But right now, her ability to defy reality was more than a little helpful and that was what Rainbow needed.

“Hey, I’m going back to that hill today,” she said, hoping to sound casual. “You feel like coming with?”

Pinkie took the suggestion in a different way and her eyes became slits, gleaming like cherries in the sunlight. “So you had a good time, did you?” she said softly. “I hope you don’t mind sharing this time.”

Oh fuck. “Maybe another time, but I wouldn’t mind the company. So come on!” Rainbow knew she wanted the company, the physical embodiment of luck and insanity wouldn’t hurt. She’d been busy last night.

As she lay there on the hillside overlooking the most sacred place of cider, Rainbow tried to drown out Pinkie Pie’s yammering that seemed to be as endless as a waterfall. She wanted to make sure that her observations remained correct- sometime about early sunset the two would be walking through the orchards together.

“Hey, look!” Pinkie Pie cried, pointing to a pair of silhouettes that emerged from the farmhouse far below. “I bet that’s AJ and Princess Celestia- aww, they look so pretty together even when they’re really far away! They’re gonna be so great together.”

Actually, Celestia looked better as a corpse and AJ looked better eating Rainbow out, but that wasn’t common thought just yet. Rainbow watched as they tread the same path they had always done, strolling peacefully beside each other through the endless rows of trees. She’d been down there plenty enough to know which ones were a bit more unstable than others. Would be a pity if one of them fell just enough to take one person down and not the other-

“Ohmygosh!” a sudden cracking of timber and bark echoed through the area as an old, sickly apple tree fell down to earth with Celestia in its sights, the massive trunk more than capable of squishing a person into jelly-

And just as instantly as it had begun to fall it was cast aside, the girth of wood settled on the ground gently and with care. Even from afar, Rainbow Dash could see Celestia pondering the issue alongside Applejack with some measure of distress. Of course she was, it was the Apple family orchard, that was something that needed to be tended to. With a movement of a hand that she couldn’t see from such a distance, the Princess did something to the trees across the orchard and sent several tumbling down.

All the ones Rainbow Dash had primed to fall. Well, that was no matter, because she wasn’t stupid enough to try and make a plan hinge all on one project succeeding. She had several waiting just around the corner that would surely bring that rat-bag royal to her death-

“Wow, I didn’t know a hole was there,” Pinkie Pie remarked brightly, watching as Celestia and Applejack skirted about the oversized pit with given care and continued on. “You think we should try to help them fix all that up? Applejack’s already really busy with her wedding and I’d hate for her to be thinking about Sweet Apple Acres when she should be super-duper excited about getting married instead!”

Rainbow tried not to grumble, lest her role in the events be revealed. So maybe her devilish plan had needed a little tweaking, it wasn’t her fault, was it? More time at the drawing board wouldn’t hurt. “I’m fine here,” she managed eventually.

“Oh, OK. Then can I suck on your tits?”

And it was said so casually. “Pinkie, I’m a fucking surfboard, I don’t have tits.”

“Doesn’t bother me,” Pinkie said with a shrug, already letting her hands dive underneath fabric to trace along areola.

Rainbow didn’t mind the sensation whatsoever, but her bad mood made no effort at desire for the moment. “Another time, Pinkie,” she said quickly.

“OK. Just let me know when I get to fuck you raw,” Pinkie Pie replied pleasantly, taking a kiss from Rainbow’s lips before there could be protest, happily bouncing away from the hilltop like nothing had happened.

She was the weirdest thing Rainbow had ever seen. The absolute height of bizarre, an utter amalgamation of humanity and utter weirdness. Why was she like this, and why was it all the time? Surely she couldn’t always keep this up, and why did she choose Rainbow? Beyond the obvious, of course. But surely there had to be more to it, something beyond just being an overweight slut. Rainbow couldn’t imagine the thought process at all.

“I suppose you think that was terribly clever.”

The ten-foot leap into the air wasn’t the most dignified thing Rainbow Dash had ever done. A good kick in the stomach as a reflex would also have been better than the girlish screaming and her heart was still pounding when she turned to see midnight-blue hair and a deepened scowl that gave no sign of mercy-

“Luna!”

“Princess Luna, mind you,” was the reply, eyes still brilliantly cold as she regarded Rainbow Dash. “Enjoying the view, are we?” She had somehow crept up on Rainbow without the athlete noticing, or maybe had simply popped out of the ether, the proud woman standing there with an expression that suggested this was to be no ordinary chat.

Fuck. “I like apples,” Rainbow managed to say, a horribly weak response.

“Yes, and you like the woman who farms them even more,” Luna remarked. “So much that you dumped a very pretty woman to completely fail in wooing her, and now sulk because said apple farmer is getting married. Am I somewhere in the ballpark here?”

Perhaps a little too much so, and Rainbow’s fiery temper decided it needed the reigns. “Why don't you go fuck yourself?” she snapped, the next half-moment immediately after spent in stark terror at the clearly inevitable oblivion that was about to come.

Instead, there was a horrid smirk that dwelled on the Princess of the Moon’s features. “I don't have to, your best friend likes to do it for me,” she crowed.

An utter slap in the face. Rainbow should have seen that coming from a mile away, or at least bothered to remember. Fluttershy had been dating Luna for a while now, right- not exactly something easy to miss, yet Rainbow had achieved that in spades for a year’s worth of time. “Oh fucking come on.”

“Not near me, you won’t,” Luna commanded. “So how about you go on home and be happy with what you have rather than what you wish you’d gotten instead? You might even enjoy it.”

Rainbow, however, was a fighter; not intelligent by any means, but a master of holding one’s ground. “I am not leaving,” she said with a stomp of her foot for added emphasis. “And you can’t make me! This isn’t anyone’s property!”

“Ooh, I do love a challenge,” Luna cried. “Why Rainbow Dash, you sound like you’re going to be very fun.”

“Oh yeah? Well get fucked. You don’t get to tell me what to do any longer, Princess!”

“Have I been here before? I swear I've been here before,” Luna mused, seemingly distanced from the prismatic rage of the woman standing before her and off to a very different sort of memory.

“There's only one person who can marry Applejack, and that's GONNA be me!”

“Oh God help me, I was the one spouting this sort of garbage last time.”

Confusion underneath colored hair. “You wanted to fuck Applejack??” Rainbow asked.

“Well, no,” Luna replied, “but if your goal was to sound like an evil demigod hell-bent on fratricide, I'd say you're well on your way.”

“What- wait, the fuck?”

“Not here, if you please,” Luna replied. “Now, since I’ve given you plenty of time to think about how many ways what you’re doing right now is a bad idea, let me recommend sound advice to you one last time: drop this, and let my sister get married.”

“Or what?” Rainbow felt no great desire to even pretend to be compliant, much less polite.

“Or what? What’s going to happen is that you’ll have a very painful –and quite messy- end to your attempts,” Luna said, bending down and coming dangerously close to eye level, a powerful fire burning in her cold gaze. “Because you’ll deal with me instead, and I am way too eager to see my sister truly happy and marrying someone she loves for some speed-demon dumbass to try and mess it up! So help me, if you ruin her happiness then I ruin you!”

Rainbow knew she had a great response, but she just couldn’t find it in light of such a ferocious gaze. Maybe the silence was taken as compliance, for her new adversary gave a nod and began to back away from the sleek woman’s immediate presence.

“Answer Applejack’s wedding invitation,” she ordered, tossing a gold-laced envelope at Rainbow’s face. “They’d still be happy to have you there, and she doesn’t know what you’re doing. If I have to deal with you, then she most certainly will.”

With a snap she was gone, and Rainbow Dash stuck her tongue out at her. Stupid, skin-bleached bimbo. Tearing the invitation up wasn’t quite satisfactory but it was all she had for now. She needed more time in her war room, and more up-close involvement with Pinkie Pie to make it come together. Rainbow was going to kill that stupid Princess, even if her idiot sister tried to get in the way.

Rainbow half-wondered if she should put an end to Pinkie Pie’s infernal skipping along. When the work you’re about to is meant to bring about the end of a particularly popular member of royalty, one would think that some manner of discretion would be in order. But despite Rainbow’s request for the excessively excited woman to actually display some level of quiet, there was no lack of enthusiasm to be found in even the simplest step towards their destination that was Sweet Apples Acres, where that accursed Princess of skin cancer had decided to spend the summer.

“Pinkie, could you possibly be more obvious?” Rainbow demanded to know, feeling no small amount of frustration. “This is supposed to be a secret that we’re here!”

“I know, but I’m with you!” Pinkie Pie cried, somehow finding the strength to lift herself even further off the ground. “This is so exciting already and we haven’t even started, I’m already having so much fun!”

Rainbow wanted to make this insufferable woman take this thing seriously. There were on the actual mission of assassination and she was treating it like a game. But when she was being used as your good luck charm, maybe it was better to keep said charm in a good mood rather than screaming curses down upon her insanity. “Whatever,” she groaned.

“Oh come on, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie said happily, suddenly rushing up to her companion so as to grant a kiss that stopped the prismatic woman in her tracks. “We’re here together and all alone- I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember what we were even wanting to do, especially when I start thinking about how good you taste!” Those eyes of hers that always seemed so open and clear suddenly became slits. “You want a taste of me?”

“Not right now, Pinkie,” Rainbow replied, though she felt herself shudder at memory of their previous encounter together that was somewhere close to the touch of gods. “Is that whole flock here yet or not?”

“Yeppers!” Pinkie replied- and on cue came the sound of a cacophony of Baa’s that could only be found in those of goats, the trees parting to let the gargantuan flock be seen in greatest breadth. Speckled, spotless, and what seemed to be every color available were now walking before them, chewing at the grass and –if Rainbow Dash was right- waiting for further command.

“Wow. And how much did this cost you?” Rainbow asked.

Pinkie shrugged. “I dunno.”

That was only slightly suspicious. “Where’d you even get them?”

“Some weird guy in a coat was selling them yesterday and he offered them to me for a few bits so I said it was OK and he suddenly brought out a bunch of these little guys!” Pinkie reported, running up to the nearest goat and giving it a cuddle, receiving a happy Baa in return. “They’re gonna be so much fun to watch, I can’t wait!”

“OK, OK!” Rainbow replied, eager to see her desires come to fruition. “And what do they go for?”

“Go for?”

“Seek out! You told me they hunt shit!” Rainbow cried.

“Oh yeah! Yeah, whatever smell you tell this little one to look for,” Pinkie answered, reaching a hand into the flock to draw forth the smallest ewe one could ever imagine. “Ignore the eyes, he’s a cutie!”

When the eyes made it look like a deformed fish, such a task was hard to manage. “Cool. Now look, you- ewe,” Rainbow said, summoning forth a bottle of perfume she had so cleverly snatched from the stocks that wretched Princess kept in her beloved’s quarters. “You eat things. You’re gonna smell this, and you’re gonna eat whoever’s wearing it! Do you understand me?”
“Baa-a!”

“Damn right do you.” With a single press of the sprayer, a sickly scent that made Rainbow want to vomit came forth into the world with putrid intent, directly splashing into the tiny ewe’s face and making its bulbous eyes twitch. “Now, attack! Find the person who uses this, find them! Eat them alive!”

The ewe gave another bleating cry and began to writhe in Pinkie’s hand, demanding to be set to ground so as to go on the hunt-

“That’s it! Pinkie, let it go!”

“Yeppy-yeppers!”

The ewe plopped onto the ground and rushed out into the wilds in search of its quarry, violent Baa’s of war echoing behind it as it ran, across grass and soil and rock and time until it would at last find its prey… before turning right back around and coming to an immediate halt at Rainbow and Pinkie’s feet, setting teeth to tender earth so as to begin its grazing.

Rainbow didn’t know she could feel so angry about something. “Pinkie?”

“Yes, my sweet Rainbow Dash?”

“What the hell’s it doing?”

“Hmm…” Pinkie scrunched her face together in concentration as she went to earth for further observation, coming close to the flock and mingling with its numbers as she made her investigations. When she had personally inspected everyone and left Rainbow Dash positively seething, she at last returned to her place of authority beside her partner in crime and began to look over her notes. “Aha!”

“What?”

“I know exactly what they’re doing!” Pinkie Pie said.

“And that is..?”

“They… are eating grass!” Pinkie Pie concluded.

“You told me these dumbfuck goats kicked ass!” Rainbow shrieked.

“Oh, that’s what you thought I said?”

If anyone had been anywhere near them at that particular moment, or perhaps anywhere in the wide world of Equestria, they would have heard some rather spectacular screaming that echoed out from the lips of one rainbow-haired, furious woman.

“And you’re sure they actually attack things,” Rainbow demanded.

Pinkie nodded several times too many, her smile far too broad for such matters of purposeful destruction. “I promise they do!” the sugar-haired woman replied, giving her thick body a jiggle to help free it of further excitement. “They came from an apothecary over near Baltimare and they didn’t want them because the city has too many and these weren’t friendly and the city wanted them gone so they decided to-”

“OK! I get it,” Rainbow muttered. “So what do we have to do to make them attack something?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to answer and then promptly sealed it shut as she turned away from her friend and tried to summon the knowledge that would equal an answer. “Umm…”

“Pinkie…”

“I remember, I promise!”

“Then what is it?!”

“Oh yeah! The creepy-looking old guy who was really sweet and we talked for a little while and I made some cupcakes so we spent most of the morning together and then-”

“PINKIE!”

“He said that we just point and say, ‘fly’ is what he told me- I think!” Pinkie replied without skipping a beat.

I think. After yesterday’s debacle, Rainbow found herself in no mood for any lack of certainty. “You think,” she growled, leaning close to her compatriot and giving the bouncy woman an evil eye.

The lack of distance made Pinkie blink- and then kiss Rainbow again for good measure. “I’m sure, silly!” she said, wrapping her friend into an unwanted hug that she most definitely wanted anyway. “Don’t worry, they’ll do what you ask them to, I swear!”

“Just checking,” Rainbow replied. “So I just point and tell them to fly, and you’re sure?”

“Definitely, Dashie!”

There was no other way to find out other than to try. Rainbow went to the top of the hill and sought out the presence of her prey, looking for that insufferable robe of white that draped like fat curtains across that low, no-good, useless-

“Aha!” Rainbow cried, finding Celestia walking down to the barn; unprotected, alone, and most definitely vulnerable. With a single finger outstretched, she pointed down at the barnyard and cried, “Attack!”

At once the pigeons rose to the air as a single entity and went skyward as they raced down the hill towards Sweet Apple Acres with clear intent on display. This was a mission and these foul rats with wings clearly longed to see it done, screaming down like a multitude of feather missiles that would bring about an end to the stupidest woman that ever lived-

Celestia looked up and took notice of the incoming horde that signaled her doom and Rainbow wanted to give a cry of triumph-

As if on cue, the pigeons crept low… and a great splattering of white feces fell, earthbound and coming to meet soil right at the feet of the Princess, a great symphony of shit and furious rank that came into such a pile that it was visible even from such a distance. When at last their bird-brained bowels had been emptied, the pigeons gave a single, unified Coo before flying back to their master, positively brimming with success.

Rainbow should have known better. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Oh! Sorry,” Pinkie said, actually having the dignity to look abashed. “I guess pooping is what he meant by attack.”

“And the obvious miss?”

“They… are blind?”

Rainbow heard the incoming flock and sighed, pointing to a nearby tree and ordering, “Land.”

The flock made to the commanded direction, claws outstretched to take hold of their intended object and smacking into every branch as though their very lives depended on it, knocking themselves unconscious or leaving themselves in such levels of incapacitation that not even debowelment would have awakened them.

Rainbow sighed.

Pinkie screamed.

“No more animals!” Rainbow roared, axe held firmly in hands as the couple walked back to the hills above Sweet Apple Acres. “This time we leave no room for error and do it ourselves. Agreed?”

“You bet!” Pinkie cried, trying to form her face into some sort of snarl and looking more like she was having stomach pains. “But if we screw this up too, can I eat you out so you’ll feel better?”

The complete lack of subtlety was a good indicator of honesty. “Uh… maybe?”

“I’ll take those odds! What are we doing?”

“Alright, we are… cutting down trees,” Rainbow said, trying to ignore the multitude of feathers that still remained about the trunk of the accursed tree. “This tree. Right here, and now. This is really weird, help me do this before it gets weirder- now, now, now, now-”

“I think I stepped on a bone!”

“Watch out for gizzards-”

“For- WHAT?”

“Now kick it down the hill!” Rainbow ordered-

Pinkie was flouncing away from the rocking, nigh-destroyed tree as she tried to peel excess feather from her slippers while also trying not to cry and most clearly ignoring her friend’s words-

“Dammit all,” Rainbow growled, giving the thick trunk a quick strike that sent it toppling down the hill and towards the open barnyard where Applejack and Celestia were standing. Rainbow’s aim had been true, it would only swipe that miserable miscreant away and leave Applejack in awe of her actual true love’s clearly superior skills. She only had to wait now-

“Ooh, what are you up to?”

It wasn’t Pinkie’s voice. Rainbow’s blood ran cold and she wheeled herself about to stare into the furious eyes and grinning face of Princess Luna-

“Fuck-”

“Not here. Enjoy the show for a moment,” Luna whispered.

There was a sudden rustling beneath the earth and a mighty tree sprouted just before the route of the oncoming log, crashing into its kindred and rolling up along its branches. Flying high into the air it went, sailing through the sky like a drunk buzzard or perhaps- a deflating blimp- before rushing back towards earth and heading directly towards Rainbow-!

She gave a scream that definitely wasn’t cool and ducked, awaiting the inevitable crunch that would be the sound of her bones and instead felt only the butterfly kisses of air as it passed over head. Rainbow dared to look up. Was she alive? Did she have a head? A quick summation of her senses said that she probably did.

A glance behind her spoke to the log continuing to roll up along the hill and well away from her. It was time for a bit of braggadocio and Rainbow knew it. “Your aims sucks, Moonbutt! Protector of Equestria, my perfect ass!” she called out, eyes searching for any sight of the numbskull lunatic that Fluttershy supposedly was fucking-

“It does?”

A crunch of grass beneath fast, hard movement somewhere above her. Rainbow felt a cold chill of horror and leapt only just in time to avoid being crushed by the profound weight of rolling, wooden death that was a fairly sizeable log. Back down the hill it rolled until it came into contact with one of its wooded brethren yet again, crashing into it and turning into little more than a horrid mass of bark and splinters. It had come so close.

Luna appeared right before her and looked as though she would rather enact a very murderous judgement right then and there upon her rainbow-haired subject. “Anything to say in your defense?” she inquired lightly.

“Fuck’s sake.”

“Not quite what I was hoping for,” Luna remarked. “You’re testing my patience, Rainbow Dash. Make me intervene again and the protection I’ve been granting you goes away. Do you understand?”

Was it worth it to answer? Not really. Rainbow stuck out her tongue in a fit of bravery and promptly found it yanked, the force of it sending her sprawling.

“That was rude,” Luna said angrily. “You have one warning. You won’t get another.” And with a loud Crack! of air she had disappeared.

As the rampaging silence took hold, Rainbow found herself struggling to find words, or even any semblance of thought, to properly conjure. It would have been great to have a boulder or something to throw, something that would fly across the skies and crack somebody’s skull- even if it were her own! Wait, maybe that one next to her would do… and as she picked it up to find it about the size of her fist, Rainbow’s desire for screaming or tears were starting to go into overdrive. All of this was quite horribly awful and she just wanted it to end. Let her kill Celestia, start fucking Applejack like no tomorrow, and actually enjoy her life again! What more did she have to look for?

“Rainbow, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Pinkie cautioned, an uncharacteristic expression of worry clouding her bright features.

“Of course it’s a good idea!” Rainbow countered. “It’s a catapult! It throws boulders, right?”

A catapult it was indeed, and a very rickety one that clearly showed its hasty construction. Rather than sleep like any sensible, normal person, Rainbow Dash had remained on the hill throughout the night while Pinkie had gone home. When her frizzy-haired friend(?) returned the next morning, the results weren’t the most stellar of objects that the partygirl had ever seen.

“Yeah, but this seems- Rainbow, please don’t use it!” Pinkie asked. “If you hurt that perfect ass, I swear-!”

“What? It’s tossing a boulder, not me!” Rainbow replied. She of course knew better, she had always been the smartest of the bunch. A quick flash of a knife and the release rope was severed from the main rig, the bucket beginning to rise toward the sky and send its destructive payload out into the open air where it would squash Celestia like an insignificant bug-

The bucket rose, splintered through the frame, and immediately splashed down into the ground before it, sending a filthy spray of earth and muck out into the air that threatened its nearest targets-

Pinkie shrieked and summoned her umbrella-

Rainbow tried to accept that it was just going to be one of those days when she felt the first tinge of splatter. Really, she was truly trying. But instead of being able to accept the cavalcade of mire that covered her from head to toe, she only found herself entering into a new stage of anger. Was screaming good enough for this? She knew quite a few good curse words, but that still didn’t seem satisfying. Why was she so destined for failure on this one simple goal that she so definitely deserved? She’d built everything herself, and it had worked in the dry fire! Why couldn’t life just give her what she deserved?

Pinkie watched in some measure of concern as her dirt-coated object of desire went about the hill in a furious storm of foul language and screams that weren’t at all decipherable into any conceivable language. For one who was so often keen on talking to the point of blather, it was something exceptional to find her so silent in comparison. “Rainbow?” she at last inquired.

“Goddammitsonuvabitchcotton-assmotherfuckerifIcouldjusthaveonethinggorighttodayI’dbesodeepinherassI’dbeseeingherupperintestine-!”

“Rainbow Dash? Are you alright?”

“JustfortwosecondsIneedsomethingtodowhatitactuallysaysitwillorelseI’mgonnahaveafuckingseizureandkillhalfthisgoddamnmotherfuckingtownsohelpmegod-”

“Rainbow Dash, please tell me you’re-”

“Weapon!” Rainbow Dash screamed, looking like the picture-perfect example of insanity. “Weapon, you have one! Tell me you have one!”

“Of course I do, silly!” Pinkie replied happily, her bouncy self rejuvenated as she retrieved the oversized firearm from a place none could imagine and placing it at her feet. “All yours, Dashie!”

“Great!” Rainbow snarled, pointing it down the hill towards her hated target. “Now all I have to do is get one clear shot and I’ll-” she paused mid-rant. “Pinkie?”

“Yes, Dashie?”
“This is just your party cannon, right?”

Pinkie nodded happily. “It’s got a bunch of confetti in it right now, if that’ll make you feel better,” she offered.

There was nothing else for her to do but pull, and that Rainbow did, sending a fantastic spray of confetti and confections out into the air and down the hill in a spray that made Pinkie cheer, and her want to cry. She could feel the stinging in her eyes at this next step of failure she’d taken, the brilliant athlete now feeling more despairing and idiotic than ever before. What was she even doing anymore, when she couldn’t even save her one true love?

“Rainbow! What’s wrong?” Pinkie demanded, suddenly coming to her side and looking horribly distraught at the sight of Rainbow’s distress.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Rainbow muttered. “I’ll think of something.”

Pinkie’s efforts of kindness had been rebuffed and left the enthusiastic woman somewhat deflated. She stood there beside her friend with frizzy hair slowly turning flat like a dying beach ball when it suddenly was revived by the onset of a marvelous idea. “Want me to make you feel better?” she asked. “I can eat your ass if that’d help.”

“Pinkie, just stop for a-”

She felt the first stray tracings of a finger and her breath didn’t last much longer after that. Rainbow’s eye twitched; and that had only been the first stroke, not even any real effort behind it!

She gave a small nod and allowed Pinkie Pie to indulge herself. Out of kindness, of course.

Just a little.

Author's Note

This took entirely too long to write. Holy shit.

More to come. Trust.

Five: Rainbow Dash Commits Multiple Crimes, Pt. II

She stood there outside the comfortably lit cottage that she called her home, it now giving shelter to more people at once than it had ever seen in its entire lifespan. For the sake of privacy, they’d lain the request of using it for a small bachelorette party some time back, a means by which to disappear from the eyes that had continued to pry even at the farm. Who was she to say no? Yes, it was a bit intimidating to actually be the hostess for once, but she was happy to be providing a place of security to those she called friends. It was actually rather nice.

It would be nicer if the one she was waiting for was actually here already, too.

Fluttershy had been finding herself constantly moving back and forth from the chatter that dwelt in the living room to the tranquil silence of the late night ever since the party had begun, the absence of one particular person gnawing at her mind. It wasn’t the largest, nor the most bombastic of bachelorette parties, but it was a meaningful one; everyone who’d been invited should have put it as their highest priority for the day- especially her. But then again… the young maiden sighed, knowing full well who else was absent from their midst; things felt like they were starting to get out of hand.

She heard the Snap! of human form breaking through the ether bounds and she gave a small leap of the heart; she could recognize that proud figure anywhere, especially at night- but it was so slumped and seemingly weary… “Luna?”

A hand was raised without a word as the Princess of the Night came to the home of her beloved. As she reached the bounds of the garden fence and her face was met by the soft light streaming from the nearby window, it was one that clearly held exhaustion; Luna’s eyes were dull, her beautiful face sagging and weighted.

“Where is she?” Fluttershy asked.

Luna sighed. “Sleeping, on the hilltop overlooking the farm,” she answered. “Pinkie is with her.”

“Are they-?”

“Safe from harm. As promised,” Luna said. “If it is not me, then Pinkie has been there to prevent it.”

Fluttershy cradled the face of her dearest Princess and felt the heaviness of exhaustion beneath her fingertips, crumpling that proud, fearless visage into one of a dulled ache. “When was the last time you slept?” she asked of her.

“I keep my promises to you, dear. Does anything else matters?”

Fluttershy bit her lip, not sure who she was more irritated by; Luna’s relentless dedication, or the one who was causing all the problems in the first place. “Stay here with me tonight,” she whispered, words that seemed to carry the hint of a command. “Please? You’ve done so much already…”

Luna didn’t answer. Her gaze moved to avoid Fluttershy’s compassionate contemplation, yet upon her face could be seen a potent distress of the heart that so greatly grieved her spirit. The indomitable Princess of the Night had little barriers left to keep back her deepest emotions.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong, please?” the young woman asked softly.

Luna bit back a great rotting lump in her throat, forcing herself to swallow down whatever of her threatened to be overwhelmed. “I am glad to keep my kingdom safe,” she whispered, a slight quiver in her voice as she spoke. “I have always been proud of my deeds. But my sister is- never have I seen her so happy, my love, and I just want to be there with her through it all, to just…” A long, winding sigh fell across her lips and the great warrior princess seemed to bleed despair. “I wish for a moment’s peace to enjoy that happiness with her. But I can’t.”

Fluttershy said nothing but instead put her arms around the beautiful woman she loved and held her close, trying to siphon away all the weariness that so clearly plagued her. “Thank you for keeping her safe,” she murmured. “She’s still my best friend.”

“I won’t fail you, my love,” Luna replied, her voice muffled as it tried to weave through the countless threads of Fluttershy’s silken hair. “But perhaps a token for luck?”

Fluttershy giggled, a small blush creeping onto her gentle features. She knew what gift would be most desired and she granted it, leaning up to softly press her lips against that of Luna’s, letting the moment linger for a little while longer than she normally would. “Come inside and clean yourself up,” she said. “Everyone will be happy to see you.”

Luna, however, seemed more inclined to keep her attentions focused on the young woman before her, not releasing the beautiful maiden from her arms and continuing to kiss her with growing passion in each meeting of lips. She let her mouth begin to slowly move its way southward down her body, a trail of kisses marking her neck-

“Luna,” Fluttershy protested, though her words still mixed with laughter. “Not here, you silly. People will see us!”

“Mmf. Good. You deserve an audience,” mumbled the Princess of the Night, not relenting in her romantic passions. “Tia should know about her sister-in-law, anyway.”

“Not- not yet! We promised, not until after their wedding! Luna, stop- I mean it, please stop!” Fluttershy sighed, trying not to let herself be fully taken over. It felt much too nice, even when it clashed against her sensibilities. “Maybe we can tell her if it comes up, but not like that!”

Luna pouted. “Must you be a spoilsport?” she asked.

“I’ll make it up to you later, if you don’t mind,” the sweet-faced woman replied.

Luna’s primary virtue was not patience, but she nodded- still leaving one last kiss as a means to seal the promise. “Keep it upon your finger for tonight,” she requested. “For me.”

The fearless Princess was led back into the comforting light of the cottage by her timid darling and was promptly met with cheerful greetings as she walked through the door. While all eyes were upon her, Fluttershy found herself anxiously minding the band around her finger, her hands held behind her back as she debated whether she actually possessed the courage to display such a thing yet. She’d had it for a while now; why not let everyone know? They’d been private about it, yes, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t tell their friends… and now family members. So what if it had only taken them three months? She let her hands fall naturally to her sides-

She felt a pair of eyes upon her and she panicked, not willing to take the spotlight away from the brides-to-be; a sudden movement and it had slipped back into her pocket. Fluttershy looked about and saw that the act had gone unnoticed, save for the sharp-eyed stare of Rarity that had caught it. A smile and a knowing wink was all that was given in return, the fashionista saying not a word; she’d made the dresses for that fateful day, and had promised to keep her silence.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have been afield for most of the day,” Luna said to the happy group of ladies, “I will be absent for a time to see myself refreshed.”

“Of course! You look exhausted, Lulu, take what time you need,” Celestia said with a wave of her hand.

“Apologies again for the late arrival. Excuse me, dear.” Before her beloved could protest Luna leaned in and kissed her mouth for the whole room to see, the romantic gesture from a pair so continuously private eliciting a small “Aw!” from those present. Without another word Luna disappeared up the stairs and out of sight, Fluttershy returning to her place on the nearby stool with a content smile on her features- and not even the hint of a blush.

“You two were out there for a while,” Applejack remarked from her place on the loveseat beside her fiancé. “Everything alright, Shy?”

“Hmm? Oh yes, we’re fine,” Fluttershy answered swiftly. “Luna’s just very tired, that’s all. She said she’s been up for a few days now trying to keep the kingdom safe.”

Celestia groaned. “Does this just so happen to have anything to do with my wedding, perchance?”

“Umm…”

Celestia shook her head at the thought of her younger sister’s continued persist dedication. “Delegation of tasks has never been her strongest suit,” she remarked. “Fluttershy, I’d be grateful if you made sure she rested here tonight. I hate to see her do this to herself.”

Fluttershy nodded, having already been of the same mind. “I won’t mind that.”

A small giggle coursed through the room. The party the Canterlot elite had demanded in honor of the Princess Celestia’s marriage had been snuffed out as per royal declaration, the only one that she valued was that of one with friends. Twilight sat in between Sweetie and Apple Bloom with hardly a thought given to a former royal crush, Rarity seemed to be basking in the glory of her oncoming triumph that would be displayed at the wedding itself, and the happy couple was more relaxed and at ease than they’d seemed in weeks, the worst of the wedding preparations finally done with a week to go. Fluttershy was glad, delighted even, that such joyous things could be happening right under her roof.

When Luna appeared from the upstairs, wearing a casual dress she had left here some time ago, she took a standing position beside Fluttershy and summoned a glass of mead to quench her parched throat. “Ooh, that’s better,” she muttered. “Your bees have outdone themselves this time, Fluttershy.”

“They’ve been very helpful this spring. I can show you how I made it, if you’d like.”

“Before you do that, Luna,” Applejack interrupted, “I was wanting to ask you something.”

Uh-oh. Luna’s contented expression suddenly became alert and she focused solely on the blonde farmgirl across from her. “I’ll answer what I can,” she said.

“So… you see everyone out there, right? All your travelin’ and protectin’, you come across a fair amount of folk.”

“I do.”

“Could you… when you get the chance, could you keep an eye out for Rainbow Dash? I ain’t seen her in ages now, and I was worried about her. And- actually, where’s Pinkie Pie? I know the Cakes are done working, where’s she gone off to?”

The silence was so thick not even a knife could have dented it. Every eye was somewhere that wasn’t that of Applejack’s trying to figure out how to deal with the ultimate elephant in the room.

Celestia, just as unaware as her future bride, surveyed the discomfort that had settled across the company and began to make the connections. “Luna?” she asked. “Is there something you haven’t told me about?”

“I don’t tell you lots of things-”

“Perhaps one of them being why you haven’t been sleeping for several days?” The words were very pointed.

Fluttershy and Luna shared a glance, knowing that to lie now would likely be more troublesome than the truth. With a groan, the Princess of the Night drained her glass and tossed it aside, disgruntled from her long nights as protector of two peoples. “Sister- Applejack,” she began, “you are not going to like what I have to tell you.”

Rainbow Dash awoke abruptly, the sudden oncoming of the morning breeze upon her face alerting her senses to the sudden change that could not be ignored. Her confusion was strong at such a feeling: where was she, how did she get there, what was that presence upon her body? It took her a few moments to actually gain some semblance of understanding, or any sort of cognition at all.

Where was she? Judging by the world she saw around her, still on the hilltop overlooking Sweet Apple Acres. She must have fallen asleep here over the night and just decided to not even try to go back to bed, the remnants of her failed catapult still beside her in its crumbled wreck. As to why she hadn’t left… she raised her head from the ground to see the frizzy hair of her friend being gently pushed about by the wind, Pinkie Pie lying half-atop her and still fast asleep, the magnificent worship of Rainbow’s licked-clean butthole clearly having put her into a contented slumber.

It had been a weird night, Rainbow surmised. Not bad by any means, but definitely weird. She’d let Pinkie Pie sexually satisfy her twice now, and for the life of her she couldn’t put a finger on –or in- a reason why. She was here to try to win back Applejack, why was she letting another person try to barge on in? She didn’t want to start a harem, did she? That was Twilight’s thing, by the looks of it. So what was the goal with allowing Pinkie Pie to keep doing this sort of shit? Sure, it felt good- but that was beside the point. Rainbow wanted Applejack; sweet, sultry, steamy, sexy, perfect Applejack, the busty blonde beauty of the apple cider. There was no reason to focus on anything else. Right?

Rainbow sighed. So maybe her plans hadn’t been all that great so far. Maybe she was just fighting entropy, or gravity, or just basic reality. Come to think of it, did Applejack even like her? Clearly yes, everyone lusted after Rainbow Dash, but it’d be nice to get some sort of outside confirmation. Some sort of sign that would tell her to rescue Applejack from the clutches of that immortal assbag, and then Rainbow Dash could come swooping in to save the day- and get the girl at the same time. But so far, nothing. Maybe that was the sign.

Another one might be the fact that Pinkie Pie had quite joyfully fucked her twice now from both front and behind. That was probably something to consider. Maybe, just maybe-

The sun came over the horizon, the first beams prying past the edge of the world and shooting through atmosphere and air to bore directly into Rainbow’s drifting eyes, piercing through and burning a temporary blindness. “Oh you can just get fucked, Celestia,” she snarled. It was time to wake up and actually kill the fuck out of that whore.

Rainbow Dash eyed the covered object in Pinkie Pie’s hand with a good deal of suspicion. “You said it’s a what now?”

“The traveling apothecary called it a South Arabian Death Tarantula!” Pinkie cried dramatically, giving the case a shake for emphasis and immediately regretting it as the contents within began to rattle themselves. “Oh yuck!”

“So what’s it do?”

Pinkie blinked. “I dunno.”

Unbelievable. Her assistant was a tier-one dumbass. “Pinkie, are you serious right now? We’ve got exactly a week to prevent a disaster here, if you don’t help me do this we’re screwed! What’s it do!”

“Well, it’s got the word ‘Death’ in it’s name, that’s sorta scary, right?”

Rainbow groaned. “Pinkie, you have the word ‘Pie’ in your name and you’re not a fucking pastry! We need to kinda know!”

“Alright, let’s take a look!” Pinkie declared, summoning forth a book from the depths of a place Rainbow couldn’t quite figure and swiftly searching through its contents for the proper item. “Aha! ‘The South Arabian Death Tarantula is one of the most venomous, aggressive spiders in the world. It’s capable of running at approximately five miles an hour when out in the open, and regularly attacks creatures much larger than in size!’” The frizz-haired woman beamed and tried to ignore the continued rattling that came from her glassy cage. “That sounds super scary, I bet it’s fine!”

Rainbow’s sigh was one of relief. Unlike all her previous attack animals, this one might actually do the job. She could easily hurl a case that small down to the barnyard, maybe even right on the porch where Celestia was resting. “Alright, so what’s it look like?”

“I haven’t looked! The person said to keep it covered because sunlight makes it super-duper mad!” Pinkie answered.

And Rainbow knew they’d been conned. “Dammit, and this thing cost me a hundred bits, too,” she growled unhappily. “Fine, let’s see this thing. At least we can get rid of it.”

Pinkie nodded and pulled the covering away from the case to almost instantly give a shriek of terror. “Ohmygosh that is horrible!”

Rainbow actually found herself repulsed, pushing herself away from the creature inside the case from involuntary reflex rather than intent. Never had she been one to fear insects, but- “What the fuck, does it have a second face?”

“How can it move each hair individually?”

“Is- is that- oh gross, it’s growing another limb!”

Pinkie looked like she was on the verge of panicked tears. “I don’t wanna hold it anymore, you take it!”

“What? I don’t-” Rainbow made a sound she didn’t know she could utter when she found the filthy piece of abhorrence pushed dangerously close to her own face and seemingly ready to devour her. “Oh god, oh god, oh god- why’s it pulsing?!”

“Get rid of it, oh my gosh get rid of it!”

Forget whatever plan she’d had, Rainbow couldn’t stand seeing the foul thing anywhere near her. This spider had to go, and it didn’t matter where. With a heave worthy of an Olympian, Rainbow tossed the case high into the air and away from any sight, though she knew she’d never actually get the image of the horrid thing fully out of her brain.

Pinkie threw her arms around her savior and sighed. “Thank you, that thing was so icky! No more bugs, Rainbow, please!”

“Not a chance in Hell! That was such a mistake, I am never-”

Smash!

Eyes went wide. Breathing ceased. The sound of glass breaking was one thing to hear, but the new sound that came immediately after, and one growing ever closer, was much worse. It sounded like something skittering.

“I’m out.” Pinkie was gone in a flash.

Rainbow paused. It was only a bug-

She saw the thing from a distance that was getting smaller every second-

Fuck bravery. She went a good deal faster than five miles an hour.

Rainbow had always loved the sky. The feel of the air across your face, the wind in your hair. Now she also enjoyed the sights of targets below her, but that was something else altogether. Maybe she should have been a soldier instead.

“Ow!”

And then there was Pinkie Pie, who just seemed along for the ride, though perhaps not as willingly. She was trying to cower in a corner and avoid being too close to the edge of the basket, but the rather large boulder that now sat in between them was taking more than a little room. And was easy to smash one’s toe on.

Rainbow hadn’t asked how Pinkie had gotten the hot air balloon; things that weren’t ‘need-to-know’ could easily be left that way. Besides, getting the stupid rock in the damned thing had been the hard part. Rainbow was fairly strong, but the blasted stone was too bulky even for her arms to fully wrap around, and Pinkie wasn’t exactly the most physically adept person on the planet. Then had come the problem of actually getting off the ground, and with neither of them all that experienced with hot air balloons- that had been something of a struggle.

But damn, this view was something. The magnificent apple orchards that contained all the future cider Rainbow Dash could ever want, perfectly readied by the woman who would make it for her. The farmhouse in which they would loudly fuck one another seemed almost picturesque from this high up. Now she just needed that blasted hussy of royalty to show her fat ugly face and Rainbow Dash would be able to crush it like a goddamn piece of bubble wrap!

“Rainbow, are we there yet?” Pinkie said weakly, giving a look over the edge of the basket and promptly regretting it. “I really, really wanna get down from here!”

“Relax, we’re above Sweet Apple Acres,” Rainbow said brusquely. “Now we just wait.”

“For what?”

“For- nevermind, we’re just waiting for a bit. Hold your horses.”

“Rainbow Dash, I really don’t like heights, can I please go down instead?”

“Just wait a minute, we shouldn’t be up here long.”

“I- Rainbow, I don’t feel so good-”

“There!” That head of whorish, stupid hair that seemed to be a mockery of Rainbow’s perfect locks finally appeared from within the comfortable confines of the Apple family homestead, strolling through the barnyard like it was her own fucking property, the thieving, conniving scuzzbucket. Now she just needed one good drop and this was over!
“Hurry, we don’t have much time!”

Pinkie groaned and slowly took to her feet on trembling limbs, a paleness in her face that hadn’t been there when they’d first taken off. “Wow this is heavy,” she whispered weakly. “Rainbow-”

“Don’t drop it now!” Her partner in crime warned, holding the boulder from the opposing side and trying to keep a proper eye on her intended target below. “Now, you stupid apple-stealing bimbo, I’m gonna mash your damned skull in and-”

“We’re tipping!”

Indeed they were, the contents of the basket preparing to spill out onto the ground very, very far below, the imbalance of weight doing nothing to help prevent the catastrophe. They needed to get rid of that rock now now now now now-!

The boulder dropped harmlessly into the open barnyard below and Rainbow gave a sigh of relief that was instantly robbed from her as the sudden lack of weight sent the balloon spiraling further into the sky, a dizzying rise in altitude that had even her brain spinning. On and on it seemed to fly, going further and further up until the very edge of the world seemed to be at their front door. Finally, when nothing else seemed to be able to go beyond their sight, the vile contraption finally came to a halt and seemed to hover.

Was she even alive? Rainbow Dash could barely breathe, the air was so thin. She looked up at the death machine she had ridden in on and knew she’d have to manage their descent- gently. But hey, at least she wasn’t dead. Fucking Applejack was still on the menu. As to her current compatriot… “You alright, Pinkie?”

A groan, then a vicious stench.

Six days left. Six days left before disaster. Rainbow Dash had been trying everything she could get her hands on. The fake poltergeist had been nothing more than a fitted sheet with holes for the eyes; the boomerang had gone wide and only come back around to its master (something she really should have thought of, looking back). Hell, even her aim with the flaming arrows had sucked ass, merely striking the boulder she’d dropped and extinguishing. What was wrong with her? Was this fate? A cruel mockery by the ancient gods? Or did she really just have terrible ideas that weren’t ever gonna work?

She half-wondered about it when she put the slingshot into the ground, hammering its base into earth with a hammer. The kit had come with a giant projectile, surely this would do the trick. But then again, looking back at her track record, maybe certainty wasn’t something to have anymore.

“Wow, that is sooo cool!” Pinkie gasped, delightedly examining their latest device of destruction with eyes kept wide. “What’s it do? Are you gonna shoot yourself to the farm or something?”

“What? No, I’m shooting this stupid thing!” Rainbow said, giving a nudge to her blackened object of eventual death. “Now help me get this thing armed, I’m not gonna wait.”

“What even is it?”

That was actually a good question. “I don’t know,” Rainbow answered, looking at her payload and struggling to think of just what it could be. Explosive, probably. It was big, that’s all she knew. “I guess we’re gonna find out when it deton-”

Pinkie came over and hoisted it by herself into the slingshot, though promptly failing to pull back the massive rubber band. “Wow, it’s really light!” she proclaimed. “This is gonna be so fun, I bet it’d bounce everywhere down there!”

Bounce? Rainbow knew the horror she was feeling all too well. Walking over to the slingshot and helping Pinkie Pie cock the supposed weapon, she hoped beyond a vain hope that maybe this was just all a bad dream and she’d actually helped place the solid mass.

A hope immediately lost when the jet-black beach ball went soaring into the air and drifted lazily down the hill towards the barnyard, promptly finding a sharp stone along the ground that set it to popping.

“Aw, that’s not fun!” Pinkie Pie said unhappily, pouting at the sight of the desecrated toy. “Wanna go back and grab one of mine, Rainbow Dash? I bet we could shoot a lot of fun things from- Rainbow, are you OK?”

Rainbow was nowhere near the simplest definition of OK, and appeared to be screaming loud enough to split the heavens. She was beyond anger, she was beyond fury. She was tired of relying on anyone else to do this and just wanted something that would actually fucking work for once in her goddamn life! “That is it!” she roared. “That is it! I can’t do this anymore, I cannot just keep coming up here to fuck up and not get what I want! I am making this happen, I absolutely fucking swear it! Cocksucking motherfuckers!”

“Rainbow, what are you-”

“Wait here!” Rainbow Dash commanded, too furious to listen to any outside voice. “You will wait right here, and I will be back. Do you understand?”

A highly confused Pinkie Pie nodded, and watched as her prismatic prize raced off into the distance after a prize she couldn’t guess.

Rainbow Dash, however, knew exactly where she was going. Every town, even the smallest of villages, had a royal guard post somewhere nearby, and all of them were supplied for emergencies of all kinds, from natural disaster to military maneuvers. She’d break in and get what she wanted from there. So what if she ran into some guards? They worked for a pair of inbred cretins, anyway. Probably deserved it.

Thirty minutes and one bruised hand later, Rainbow was in the depths of an armory, trying to ignore the screaming pain that was in her hand after the swing she had taken at the guard who had almost thrown her into a damned wall. Hitting a human head hurt more than one would think, and handcuffs were actually somehow even more unpleasant on the wrist than she could have guessed, but at least it wasn’t both hands- breaking and entering into a government facility probably wasn’t a good charge to be caught for. But after the KO she’d dished out to the one guard present (seriously? Only one?), Rainbow wondered if the thick-headed idiot would even remember his own name.

She hated locks. Grabbing the unconscious moron’s weapon and heaving it at the bolt did the trick, she now able to grab everything she could need. But then again, all she needed was one little thing, right?

Pinkie Pie was still there when she returned. Rainbow, trying not to gasp from the long journey with such a weight across her shoulders, immediately captured the attention of the normally bright-eyed woman who now seemed drenched in concern.

“Rainbow, where have you been? It’s been hours and I got to thinking of you and started masturbating and holy crap is that a rocket launcher?!”

“Yeah.” Rainbow knew she held unbelievable lethality in her hands, the massive piece of weaponry a complete pain in the ass to carry such a long way. The formidable hardware was made all the more cumbersome by its munitions, a single rocket tied to its barrel. It would be the only one she would ever need.

Pinkie Pie, however, was currently struggling to grasp the situation. “Where- where did you even get the thing?” she gabbled.

“Stole it.”

“You what? From where?”

“Armory.”

“You stole it from a- are those handcuffs? And you’re bleeding!”

“Doesn’t matter. Help me load this thing and then we’re actually gonna be done!” Rainbow pressed. She felt a fiery tingling in her brain.

Pinkie’s fullest attention was solely on Rainbow Dash and her injuries, all thoughts of carnage and destruction clearly not present in her mind. “Please, you’re hurt. Let me take a look at you first before you do anything else.”

“We don’t have the fucking time!” Rainbow roared, simply deciding to load the miserable thing herself and promptly struggling. She wasn’t familiar with such equipment in the slightest. “Now help me out or get out!”

“Rainbow, wait! What are- what do you even think will happen?” Pinkie asked of her.

“I’m gonna kill that stupid bitch Celestia and then I’m gonna win Applejack-”

“But- but how?” Pinkie demanded. “Rainbow, please listen, don’t do this!”

Rainbow stopped, staring at her seeming accomplice with horror. “Excuse me?”

Pinkie was trying to tug Rainbow away from the deadly device, keeping her hands well ensnared within her own. “Rainbow, I know you’re angry about not asking Applejack sooner, but please don’t do this! She’s happy, isn’t that OK?”

“She’s not with me!”

“But she’s happy! If you actually do this you’re gonna be in so much trouble and then you’ll never be happy again! You’re hurt, please let me help! Princess Luna and I have been trying to stop you from getting hurt for ages now, please don’t do this!”

She hadn’t heard that. Rainbow’s efforts with the launcher came to an immediate halt and she stared at Pinkie Pie with such a glare that it was positively murderous. Pinkie Pie, the seemingly perfect compatriot in the art of romantic warfare, had been sabotaging her from the beginning. “You’re the reason why nothing I’ve done has worked,” she breathed.

“Well, me and Luna- we kept switching it around depending on what you were doing and sometimes she gave me the really weird animals. Except for the tarantula, she was gonna kill it if you threw it in the barnyard and-”

“I trusted you!” Rainbow screamed, towering over Pinkie in such a cataclysmic fury that it seemed both of them would be burned to cinders. “This is all your fault, I could be fucking Applejack right now but you kept getting in the way! I could be done already!”

“But you’d be in so much trouble! I made Princess Luna promise she’d help me keep you safe and I’d try to get you to stop trying but you just kept getting madder and madder-”

“Why? Why would you do this?” Rainbow demanded. “Why would you work with that cold-hearted bitch?!”

“I love you!” Pinkie cried, hair fully deflated and she now on the verge of tears. “Please, Rainbow Dash, I really love you- look, I know I’m not as pretty, or as smart, or really anything like Applejack and I know I’m kinda overweight, but please don’t do this! For me? Even if we only just stay friends?”

Rainbow Dash was beyond any attempt of reasoning. “You stupid, fat slut!” she snarled. “This is all your fault, goddammit! Get out of here- just go! GO!”

It was the death sentence for her spirit, Pinkie Pie’s face crumpling as thick, fat tears began to fall down her cheeks, seemingly stuck between wanting to prevent disaster and the desire to run away so as to wallow in her grief. Her legs began to fail her and she staggered, gazing at Rainbow, the woman she loved, in a despair she didn’t know how to even possibly begin comprehending.

Rainbow Dash turned back to her stolen launcher and began to ready herself behind the sights, the single eye now put to use scanning the farmland below for any sign of that hellspawn in white. She just needed one good shot, it didn’t even need to be close. Just one and then all this trouble would be over. There, coming towards the homestead- that was her, for certain. But she was with Applejack!

Rainbow hesitated. She couldn’t fire without most definitely incinerating Applejack along with that bleached whore, but she also wouldn’t have a better opportunity. She had to fire now, right now! But then she’d hurt Applejack, and that would be the cost of everything she’d been trying to do! She could and couldn’t do it, she had to and absolutely had to hold off for just a little while longer! And even if she actually got that shot, she couldn’t hesitate! Rainbow felt her body trembling, her trigger finger starting to pull away. Was this still the right thing to do? She needed Applejack, craved Applejack, absolutely had to have her! She had to do this! This was all life had ever offered her-

Or was it?

“Don’t you dare fire!” The harsh, fierce command of a royal voice tore through the prismatic athlete’s senses and made her give a yelp of fright, leaping into the air and pulling the trigger by accident-

No- yes- no! Rainbow’s heart went towards a million different directions as she watched the erroneous shot go high into the sky where no harm could it bring, a single bolt of blue lightning flashing through the skies behind it and zapping it into cinders without even the smallest hint of an explosion.

A sudden hand on her shoulder and Rainbow was forced to the ground, enough to spawn tears in her eyes as the overpowering presence of Princess Luna slammed her into submission. “I gave you a warning!” Luna roared, tying Rainbow down as though she were a wild animal. “Damn you, Rainbow Dash- this is over!”

And as Rainbow Dash was hoisted over the shoulders of the warrior princess, she felt a single tear roll down her cheek as the mishmash of emotions in her deflated- like Pinkie’s hair, like every plan she’d ever made.

It was over.

Author's Note

Better. Not great, but better.

Keep reading. Enjoy.

Six: Rainbow Dash Gets Slapped In the Face

“Everything you have done has been completely insane! Did you even stop to think what would happen if you lost control for even a moment?!”

Rainbow Dash had never been one to take well to the usual style of ‘post-game pep talks.’ She had always- well, almost always possessed enough sense of mind to know what had gone wrong. There had never been a need to have a screaming voice in her ear to provide details of her defeat, no in-depth analysis required to spell out the flaws. A simple examination of past actions was all the athlete had ever required. The idea that someone would need to spell it all out for her was preposterous.

She wasn’t being a sore loser. Rainbow Dash just didn’t need Princess Luna to scream in her face.

Luna’s arrest hadn’t been the worst one possible, if the prismatic woman were being honest. Yes, the whole debacle of trying to run away when they’d made it back into town hadn’t gone perfectly –and was likely the reason her legs were in chains- but she was only on house arrest, and even in her own house! The couch was as plush as ever, and the living room in which she was under guard was sufficiently spacious. If it weren’t for the leg cuffs, the handcuffs, the guards, Princess Luna, Princess Luna’s screaming, and the fact that she wasn’t fist-deep in Applejack’s pussy… things would be actually rather pleasant.

“Do you understand –actually understand- how many people could have been hurt if I hadn’t been there?” Luna demanded, towering over her prisoner and somehow not yet done with her lecture. “You were this close to disaster and I was doing my best to keep others safe- AND you! People’s property could have been damaged, you tried dropping predators into another ecosystem, for heaven’s sake! Someone could have been killed because of you! You could have killed yourself!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t even bother to look up at her captor, give her the smallest satisfaction that she was even listening. Better to feign deafness, intentional ignorance, anything but actually heed the stupid bimbo’s words. She didn’t deserve it.

“I could have let you suffer the consequences,” Luna said, suddenly dropping to Rainbow’s eye level and forcing her captive to look her in the eye. “I could have. You came so close to getting hurt –or getting killed- more times than you know. The only reason you are alive now is because of me. Because your friends begged me to keep you safe, even from yourself. I would have been perfectly fine with letting you get burned, because the person you were trying to hurt is the only family I have. But no, Fluttershy pleaded that I protect you. Do you not understand just how badly all this could have gone?”

Rainbow Dash’s glare was venomous, or at least she hoped. So what if she’d nearly been hurt? Killed? Neither seemed likely, Rainbow was too good for that. There was never a chance that any of Luna’s words were anything close to truth. Stupid cow was just trying to bait her, shove Rainbow’s sole failure back into her face.

“I’ve said that you should be thrown in prison,” the Princess of the Night growled, rising back to her feet in acceptance of Rainbow’s silence. “To never see sunlight again for being a traitor to the crown. But that is not a decision I can make alone, so now we wait for the voice of another to seal your fate.” With little else to say, Luna motioned to her guards for them to remain within the building alongside their prisoner while she turned to the front door to leave. “Others have requested to speak to you. One I grant freely, the other grants it to herself. You will wait here.”

As Luna turned her back to her chained opponent, Rainbow gave a sneer and stuck out her tongue- only to find it promptly pulled by one of her guards, the hard-faced man wasting no time putting the regicidal woman in her place.

“You will not disrespect Her Majesty,” he said, giving an unfriendly shove that slammed Rainbow back onto the couch. “Do such a thing again and I will remove the offense from your body.”

It was not a subtle threat and Rainbow knew it. If she’d been given equal footing to these clowns then she would have made them all look like fools. After all, being a Wonderbolt wasn’t a title freely given. A single moment with the cuffs off was all she would need to turn this place into a disaster zone and then she’d be on her way to Sweet Apple Acres and stealing her future wife away from the poisonous clutches of that old whore-

The front door opened again, but there was no rattle of armor to announce the presence of the warrior Princess once more, instead a quiet series of footsteps that Rainbow knew by heart. A small bout of shock prompted the stony prisoner to raise her head and gaze upon her new guest, a heartbeat bringing hope when she recognized Fluttershy. Someone who knew her, cared about her, would actually be on Rainbow’s side for once!

“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy gasped aloud at the sight of her oldest friend in chains, held to ground beneath their weight and surrounded by armed guards.

“Fluttershy! Awesome, get me out of this! Come on, I need your help!” Rainbow demanded. She was in a panic, so close to freedom that it was driving her mad…

The quiet woman took a series of short, unsteady breaths before turning from her friend’s pleading face. “Jasper, Whyndam,” she said, the two guards starting at the call of their names. “Please give me a few minutes alone with Rainbow Dash.”

“Miss Fluttershy,” one of the guards protested, “Princess Luna does not wish for the prisoner to be left unattended.”

“I will speak to her for you when I’m done,” Fluttershy replied, her voice now starting to constrict. “Thank you very much, Jasper, but it will be alright.”

The two soldiers looked at Rainbow, then at one another before giving a shrug and complying with the orders of their Princess’ lady, departing through the front door and leaving a frantic Rainbow Dash alone with her dearest friend.

“Great! Now get these cuffs off, come on!” Rainbow pleaded, “The keys are just over there on the table, it’ll only take a second-”

In all the years they’d known each other, Rainbow couldn’t quite recall a time when she’d seen Fluttershy move so fast. In a stride that looked more like running than a walk, the sweet-faced beauty was moving towards her friend with arms outstretched as though preparing for an embrace, yet a single glance at the woman’s face made Rainbow wonder if she’d ever seen that sort of fire in her normally fearful eyes. “Uh, Flutters-”

Pow! A single, smooth motion was all it took. Before the athlete could even register what was happening, the sweet, gentle-hearted Fluttershy delivered an almighty bitchslap that would have KO’d a fat guy- a strike that was more than enough to knock the living daylights out of an unprepared Rainbow Dash and send her to the ground in a dazed sprawl. A few moments passed by before the prismatic woman could even start performing damage control, or even consciously register that Fluttershy actually had been the one to deliver the best haymaker she’d ever felt. It was a stunning blow in of itself, made even more so by the one who delivered it.

So much for warm sympathy! “OW! Bitch, that hurt!” Rainbow cried, still feeling a brutal stinging upon her face.

“DO YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?!” Fluttershy was no longer the demure, graceful woman Rainbow had known for most her life and had somehow been replaced with a furious, raging hellspawn that had been incensed beyond any hope of reason, another hand held ready to deliver another blow to an already injured face.

“Wh- No!”

“Then shut the hell up, Rainbow Dash!”

She’d never seen her like this, not once- not ever. Fluttershy didn’t have even the most basic capacity for violence whatsoever and yet here she was, delivering some vicious potshots to the beautiful, perfect face of her closest friend in the world! Rainbow could hardly comprehend it. Fluttershy still looked keen on dealing a secondary strike anyway, but her anger was suddenly brought under control and turned to shadow, face turned away from view.

It seemed as though life waited between them, at least by Rainbow’s view of things. She’d never known Fluttershy to be angry, to be vengeful at all, and yet now- and then she heard the deep, wet sniff that spoke to tears. “Flutter-”

“Why did you do it, Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy said at last, turning back to face her friend with tears in her eyes and a fierce anger etched in her face. “Why would you try to hurt Applejack, of all people?”

That was the confusion? Fluttershy thought Rainbow had been trying to hook up with Celestia? Well, this would be an easy fix. “No, I was trying-”

“I know what you were trying to do!” Fluttershy said, grief doing little to take away the edge off her anger, the growl in her voice pressing Rainbow back into silence. “Rainbow Dash, she loves Princess Celestia, why would you try to ruin that? Applejack is happy with her, doesn’t that mean something?”

“But- she- she’s supposed to be with me!” Rainbow tried to protest, trying to find some way of making Fluttershy see her side of things. “Don’t you get it? Applejack is supposed to be with me, not that- that filthy, no-good-”

“But she’s happy!”

“She’s supposed to be happy with me!” Rainbow roared, trying to silence her friend through sheer volume. “Applejack is supposed to be with me, and- and that’s it!”

“Why,” Fluttershy said. “Tell me why- now!”

Suddenly put on a spot, Rainbow struggled to present an argument. “She- I... look, hooking up with Rarity was a bad move, Flutters, it was a bad move. I just- I’m correcting a mistake, alright? Don’t I deserve a chance to fix my mistakes?”

Fluttershy looked at Rainbow as though she couldn’t believe her ears. “Rainbow Dash,” she breathed, “you- love doesn’t work that way. It’s never worked that way. You’re not ‘owed’ anyone’s love at all! Why would you ever think that? Besides, she-”

“But I messed up!” Rainbow continued. “We’re meant to be together, I know that! I just want to make it right, we’d be happy together and I can prove it-”

“Applejack never loved you that way.”

Rainbow Dash had to consider if that proclamation had been worse than the slap to the face. She was certainly struck back into silence, gawking at her friend in horrified disappointment.

“She liked Rarity, Rainbow Dash- not you,” Fluttershy said. “So while you were off arguing with Rarity, Celestia helped cheer up Applejack. And now look at them- they’re getting married tomorrow! They’ve been together for years, they love one another! Applejack doesn’t need you to be happy because she already is happy!”

“But don’t I deserve to be happy?” Rainbow demanded. “What about what I want?”

“What you want… Rainbow, you’re trying to make yourself happy by hurting someone else! Applejack would never even think of loving you if you’d actually succeeded in the slightest! Do you even understand how love works at all?”

“It’d be better! I’D be better!”

“No, you wouldn’t be,” Fluttershy replied. “Because you never actually cared about what makes Applejack happy at all. What would you have done if it was me, Rainbow? I married Luna, would you have tried to hurt her to have me? Do you think I would have ever forgave you?”

There hadn’t been any real thought given to consequences. Was she supposed to consider them? “But I-”

“But nothing, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy said firmly, at last wiping the stains of her tears away and allowing herself to become calm, a strange sort of regality within her that Rainbow hadn’t seen before that reminded the athlete of a certain darkened Princess. “Let it go. Let Applejack be happy without you, and don’t try to ruin her. Like you nearly ruined Rarity.” That last barb had been well out of bounds, and one far too harsh for Rainbow to expect. She couldn’t hope to hide the wound that had come from the one person she never would have guessed would deliver, staring as she watched Fluttershy head to the door and depart. “I’m going to tell her the truth, Rainbow Dash,” she added. “I’m sorry. She needs to know why you won’t be coming.”

Nothing in that entire conversation had really gone the way she’d expected. Rainbow was still in chains, still imprisoned, and had been slapped around like she were a punching bag by Fluttershy. The only thing that made it all worse was what Fluttershy had said, and the intent behind it. She had never known her to be so… so venomous. Every word had been designed to actually hurt, to provoke some real sense of shame. What sort of horrific change had come over that once-gentle girl? Rainbow glowered as she considered romantic entanglements, the sharp face of Luna blazing in her eyes. What else was that woman going to ruin? She’d already ruined Fluttershy, ruined Rainbow’s chances at winning Applejack-

She said I ruined Rarity. That had been one vicious barb, Rainbow realized. Had burrowed straight into her heart, if she were honest. It hadn’t been intentional, and Rarity had gotten over it eventually, at least. It had just been one of those things. They’d sort of fallen together and then fallen apart just as quickly. I never really tried to figure out why. Or… how Rarity was after. They weren’t really friends anymore. A slap to the face had been a sure signal for that. Rainbow had gone after Rarity and they’d just- ended. A few quick moments, too much pressure for Rarity to give, and then a fallout.

Had that been her fault?

The sound of the door opening didn’t register until she heard the clinking sound of metallic armor beside her once more, Rainbow peering up and leaving her ruminations behind to see a fresh pair of guards about her, yet bearing the sigil of a blazing sun rather than a steel crescent. “You have a visitor,” said the first of the pair, his voice calmer and gentler than that of Luna’s soldiers. “You will remain seated.” Less fire, but just as much firmness in command. These were something different.

“Gentlemen, you may go,” said a clear voice, and from the threshold came the Princess Celestia, waving away her warriors with a trifling hand. “Thank you very much, but I would grant us privacy.”

The soldiers stood at attention in response and then departed, leaving Rainbow Dash alone with her intended victim- the tables now so severely turned that the athlete wondered if she might as well try to chop her own head off. Celestia sighed and took a seat across from the younger woman, sinking back into the recliner before casually tossing her crown aside and allowing all sense of regality to disappear.

“I must say,” Celestia remarked, “your choice in furniture is exquisite. One really could sleep for hours sitting here.”

Rainbow felt like a mouse in the clutches of a hungry cat. Celestia was toying with her, trying to taunt her with the comforts of home and warmth before sending her screaming into the abyss. It was enough of a thought to make one’s throat turn dry.

Celestia, however, didn’t seem bothered by the lack of a response, and more inclined to continue resting. She looked up from her place of comfort with a playful smile on her face. “I heard you’ve been trying to kill me.”

And there was the death sentence. Rainbow already knew she was screwed, this was just the pre-game before an execution. “Uh.” Celestia continued to smile, yet within her expression there didn’t seem to be a hint of malice- or even anger, just that steady warmth that felt wretched on Rainbow’s bones.

“Allow yourself a moment, Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said with a wave of a finger. “Come, please. Place a hand upon my arm and see how it feels.”

“But I-” Rainbow subconsciously reached out and was startled to see that her handcuffs were no longer present, and a quick glance downward confirmed the same for her leg binds. Holy shit, I am so fucked. “Uh- are- are you sure?”

“I am sure,” Celestia said placidly. “Take my hand in yours. Tell me what you feel.”

Rainbow’s mental senses suspected a trap and her physical senses confirmed it- even the barest grazing of Celestia’s skin was a heat that she couldn’t even begin to quantify, worse than even the feel of molten metal could possibly hope for. She flinched back, away from the blazing temperatures that were contained in the regal woman, half-expecting her to be totally aflame.

“You see? It would take far more than what you tried to actually wound me, Rainbow Dash. I am unharmed, and would have remained so,” Celestia said. “So now… put your fears aside. I have no anger, and Luna has ensured that no harm has been done. I would prefer to know why you tried in the first place.”

So fucked. “I…” Rainbow would have been certain of her answer only a few short minutes ago. “I loved Applejack. I think.”

“Mhm. A jealous love, I see,” Celestia remarked. “And you thought I was stealing your dreamgirl away, is that right?”

“Sorta.” Rainbow felt a sudden fixation on her and she wanted to shrivel. Celestia was looking at her, not unkindly, but truly examining her for an answer. “Well…. Yeah.”

“Please be honest with me, Rainbow,” Celestia said, her voice seemingly tranquil. “Lies do not become loyal hearts. Again… I am not angry with you. It is alright to speak freely.”

Freely? Rainbow still suspected a trap, waited for the moment when she’d be turned to ashes. But this quiet, peaceful discussion was worse than lashes, somehow. It wasn’t even a judgement, really. Why was this unbearable- why was she struggling to even talk? “I just wanted- my last one… we were so different, I thought that, well, AJ and I were so alike- we’d work well. Together.”

“Is that so?” Still no judgement. Not even a hint of anger.

“I thought it’d… work out this time,” Rainbow said, feeling her tied tongue beginning to strangely loosen. “When Rarity and I broke up, I figured it was cause she was so –you know- prissy, stuff like that. Maybe AJ and I would be better. I just wanted…” she felt a strange lump in her throat, stoppering her speech and forcing a halt. “I wanted to be- not alone. And happy.”

Celestia’s smile remained, yet softening as she heard the explanation begin to unfold. “And you were so afraid that I was going to take all your chances of happiness away from you,” she murmured. “You put all your hopes in Applejack that you really began to believe there was no other way.”

Rainbow couldn’t even hope to answer that one, so precisely on point that she wondered if Celestia had somehow read the thoughts of her own heart. She didn’t want to be here, or to feel any of this at all. “I… I almost ruined a friend of mine,” she said distantly. “I swore that I loved her. And I said I loved Applejack, too. Maybe I was just lying to myself.”

“Perhaps,” Celestia remarked. “People have this funny little idea that love can only be sweet and pure and perfect. As if they’ve never seen a cruel, selfish love that can twist and wound even the one who wields it. Love can go bad, Rainbow Dash- and lead to worse. I am only glad we stopped you before it really was too late.”

“Too late for what?”

“To save you from yourself,” Celestia answered. “So that all the love you have to give is not forever turned to selfish ends. You have friends who love you, dear Rainbow- perhaps not in such a way as you might wish, but love nonetheless. And, in time, I believe you might recall just what love really means, so long as you let them help you stay standing.”

Rainbow shook her head. “Fluttershy slapped me, they won’t-”

“Forgive you?” Celestia asked, looking rather surprised. “You would be surprised what an honest apology can start to mend. And you might find some more willing than you’d think.”

Rainbow ran a hand across her face, making sure there were no temporary blemishes that could give herself away. “I’m sorry.”

“And you already forgiven,” Celestia said gently. “I would suggest you decline the wedding invitation, and spare yourself the heartache. Applejack’s happiness may be something you can value again, given time- but not now, not when it would still wound you so. Instead, I would recommend you take a walk over to the bakery and have a talk with a sweet, young pastry cook who’s thought about you for a very long time and suddenly can’t be bothered to attend, either. It would do you both good.”

Pinkie Pie. Pinkie the cheerful, the helpful, the one who’d been right there in harm’s way to try and keep Rainbow from disaster- and the last thing she’d done to Pinkie was make her cry. “Yeah, I- wait a minute,” Rainbow said, “aren’t I- you know, in trouble? I tried to kill you!”

“Really, now?” Celestia asked, feigning surprise- or was she? “Well… let us say you are on probation, if that helps ease a guilty conscience. One would hate to keep such a steadfast protector of Equestria locked away.”

A small part of her wondered if Princess Celestia was actually insane. The wink and the smile didn’t help matters much either, but Rainbow was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. “Um. Are- OK.”

“You’re very welcome,” Celestia said warmly. “And… thank you, Rainbow Dash.”

A small moment of confusion. “For what?”

Celestia smiled, a distant happiness on her face that Rainbow recognized immediately, knowing just what sort of deepened thought held the royal’s mind. “I love her… very much,” the Princess whispered. “I would hate to have caused her to lose a friend because of it.”

She’d slept peacefully, despite the roiling emotions that had come after. Her initial reactions had been to be consumed and start drinking, but her weariness of spirit had instead been welcome. A deep sleep, one good for the mind and body, had come upon her in that lonely bed and sent her to a dreamless slumber. When she awoke, Rainbow Dash saw the sun of an early morning. Applejack’s getting married today. The thought still bothered her, if she were honest. But to hate Princess Celestia for it, after how decent she’d been in response? Rainbow couldn’t feel the burden of it any longer. Applejack was happy and that was all that mattered, even if that happiness didn’t have her in the equation.

A step outside into the warm sun was as unexpected a one as the prismatic woman had ever known. When the day before had been spent in the shadow of death, anything that was the opposite was sure to be welcome. Today’s efforts were going to be uncomfortable, painful even- but necessary. It would be better to see them done sooner rather than later.

Rainbow hesitated when she reached Sugarcube Corner, standing at the front door and finding herself immobile. Pinkie Pie was going to be in there, likely in some sort of miserable condition that was of Rainbow’s own doing. It wasn’t going to be easy to apologize, especially when what she’d said had been so horrid. But Pinkie was her friend, she would see this-

Actually, what IS Pinkie to me? It was a sudden, rather odd question that made the athlete pause. Pinkie had said she loved her, Celestia had all but confirmed it; somehow, all the sexual favors the frizz-haired woman had given weren’t enough of a hint to get the message through. Looking back, Rainbow hadn’t minded the attention in the slightest, even enjoying it. She’d tried to push it aside and say that Applejack was going to feel better, but Applejack was happy and out of reach. Why hadn’t she given any thought to this?

Rainbow groaned and felt a mixture of emotions in her stomach at the thought of having to start this conversation. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but it might be extremely weird.

The sight the athletic woman was graced with the moment she entered was the one she’d dreaded: behind the counter with a broom in hand, hair flat and lank across her face, stood a most despondent Pinkamena Diane Pie, most assuredly morose and living deep in her doldrums. This was to be the person Rainbow would have to talk to, and somehow bring out of such a viciously depressive state- not an easy task when it was your fault in the first place. At least we’re alone.

“Hey, Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow said weakly, not an ounce of her usual bravado within her. “Can we talk?”

Pinkie paused in her sweeping, but gave no other hint that she had heard the greeting. With no glance thrown her way, the dulled girl continued to clean and press on as though the world was still silent.

“Pinkie, I-” Rainbow could have slapped herself when she felt her voice catch. “Pinkie, I didn’t mean- no, that’s wrong. What I said was wrong,” she said at last. “It wasn’t fair to you at all. You were trying to keep me out of trouble and I wouldn’t let you. I’m sorry. I am really sorry.”

Pinkie hesitated yet again, this time allowing her deadened gaze to find its way over to Rainbow. “OK,” she said.

It hadn’t been enough, and Rainbow thought she should have known that. “Pinkie… I didn’t know how you felt. I shouldn’t have hurt your feelings, either. I just-” again, further struggle. “Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t want you to be sad because of me.”

Pinkie stopped sweeping altogether and turned her face away, seemingly unable to face her former friend’s apologies.

Rainbow felt horrid, trying to find some way to make this right. “You were… you were really good to me. A whole lot, and you- well, tried to help me out. Y- you felt good.” Understatement of the fucking century. “Pinkie, can I- can I make it up to you?” she asked. “Maybe it’s weird, but, I mean- let me take you out somewhere, just you and me. We can… talk. About things.”

“On one condition.” Pinkie’s silence again came to an end and her body began to quiver, her hair suddenly trembling like a bush beset by squirrels.

“Anything!” Rainbow promised. “You name it, I swear!”

And then Pinkie Pie went off like a bomb. Hair ignited and was transformed back into its usual frizzy magnificence, the wild aura of limitless energy surging to refill a bounceless step- and an almighty kiss of all kisses taking Rainbow’s lips captive. The baker’s hands went to her bright-pink dress and tore the garment away as though they were an afterthought, letting her naked body be given unto the open air-

And Rainbow promptly realized she had made several terrible miscalculations. Pinkie, the one she had long suspected of being fat, was not fat. To call her extra thicc was a disservice when she possessed curves that fine, sat on a bottom that perfect, just a little extra cushion for pushing- and the single greatest rack of breasts that could have ever possibly existed in all the sum of all life on earth, magnificent melons of a purest potency that surely made gods weep. Pinkie, ever-defiant in the face of physics, had somehow managed to fit those perfect titties into a dress without ripping fabric and letting everyone bask in their glory.

Pinkie Pie probably wasn’t Applejack, and she certainly wasn’t Rarity. But it didn’t take much brain for Rainbow to know she was looking at an artwork of raw sexuality. “Holy fuck!”

“That’s what I’m talking about! Make love to me right now, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie declared, throwing her arms about Rainbow Dash and bringing her into the blissful comfort of her brilliant bosoms. “So shut up and let’s get busy!”

Rainbow had come here to give an apology. If this was how it would have to be done-

Well, who was she to argue?

Mrs. Cake couldn’t begin to imagine what was causing such a commotion this early in the morning. “Twilight and her friends are all in Canterlot for the wedding,” she muttered, throwing aside her mitt as she stepped away from the oven. “Well, except for Pinkie Pie. But she’s in a mood, she won’t be doing anything silly.” With a huff, she was forced to abandon her confectionery delights and turn to the shopfront. Just what was going on?

The strained cry of delirious joy from Pinkie Pie, she later mused, should have been enough to explain. Pushing the kitchen door open, Cup Cake was promptly graced with the sight of two naked bodies straddling one another atop the counters, both so deeply involved with the other that it was difficult to tell where one stopped and the other began. It wasn’t the first time she’d caught Pinkie mid-coitus, nor in a place so public. She just hadn’t expected for her cheery companion to be having sex with Rainbow Dash on their countertop.

Cup Cake rolled her eyes. Well, what was she to do, interrupt? Never her style, if she were honest. Besides, it wasn’t as if she hadn’t been young at one point. It would likely be best to just ignore the event and turn away. She knew full well just how badly Pinkie had wanted Rainbow, and for how long.

On the other hand… She paused at the door, allowing herself another glance of the deeply intertwined couple. Rainbow was more into this than even Pinkie Pie had seemingly expected, taking to the young baker’s perfect tits with such enthusiasm that it was making the bright woman actually moan. I haven’t heard her make a sound like that in years. She wasn’t trying to ogle, really, but how could you even stop? The view was excellent.

Ooh, I forgot just how good Pinkie looks down there, Cup Cake mused, And Rainbow- my, those muscles. She couldn’t help but grin, leaning back against the kitchen door and letting herself enjoy the show. Perhaps subconsciously, she let her hand slip down between fabric and begin to pluck away at her own cherry- a clearly natural reaction to something so steamy. Maybe I should try to join in. Pinkie always feels great, and Rainbow looks like she knows how to eat. It wasn’t as if her husband would mind; they had their ways. Cup Cake licked her lips, beginning to untie the apron about her waist and make her appearance known-

A hint of movement on the periphery of her vision. Mrs. Cake turned and saw Derpy walking by outside, hands clasped across her daughter’s face to shield innocent eyes from the frenetic sight. Damn. If she didn’t do something about it now, she’d find herself in trouble. It was time to toss the two lovesick women out and send them on to more private quarters.

“And I won’t even be able to let them stay in the house, either,” Mrs. Cake grumbled, reaching for the nearby broom and setting to work. “Not even be able to listen, life just isn’t fair.”

Author's Note

I think I have to accept this story will never work out the way I wanted it to. Dunno why. Shit.

Keep reading, I guess. A little further now.

Seven: Rainbow Dash Ruins a Wedding

For as long as she had dwelled within the quiet village, Rainbow Dash’s unwilling neighbors had been prone to criticize her humble abode. Sure, they’d been excited at first to see someone moving in at last, actually building a house on the long-vacant lot- but the displeasure had begun the moment construction had begun. “Excessive,” they had called it when they first bore witness to the framing. “Gaudy,” came soon after the walls had been completed. Their compliments of the pristine mansion itself were somewhat lacking, if the owner had anything to say about it. What they said about the owner itself was less nice, criticizing the parties and noise and general rambunctiousness that Rainbow was so naturally talented in creating.

Not that she minded. Rainbow Dash, in her usual verve, considered it little more than disguised encouragement and would carry on until she had to deal with those in uniform, and perhaps a little more after that. It wasn’t that she was a terrible neighbor –though perhaps not the best of neighbors- but Rainbow believed a life lived quietly was rarely one of value, and assuredly not one worth emulating.

And for the past two hours, she and Pinkie had been very loud.

If one had caught a glimpse of the dwelling within, it would have been considered cleaner than the aftermath of the average tornado; an obvious trail of clothing led its way through the halls, outer apparel giving way to now-torn undergarments that had clearly been cast aside in a frenzy. What few effects that dotted Rainbow’s hallways had been thoroughly ransacked, either thrown to ground or left shattered by the heady violence of the two paramours. The bedroom door had remained open throughout, per Pinkie’s prerogative. It was probably for the best, if Rainbow was honest: they’d worked up a serious sweat themselves, and a closed door would only have helped the walls add to the perspiration. Maybe if they’d stopped after one round, it wouldn’t have amounted to much. Two, perhaps, if they’d been calmer. But Round Two had been over an hour ago, the excessive sexual drive of the two women not allowing them to actually cease and desist from their animalistic hunger until each had been thoroughly satisfied in a way neither had ever expected to be satisfied in the first place. Rainbow had always known she was well-versed in high-capacity sexual violence, but never in her life had she expected to find an equal.

Much less a superior. Lying there on the bed after two long, glorious, perfect, and thoroughly exhausting hours of frantic lovemaking, the unparalleled athlete rolled herself away from the giggling, deliriously happy baker and found herself staring up at the ceiling in no small degree of awe. She’d hyped herself up for Applejack for months now, more or less thinking of no one else. She’d prepared her body for an apple farmer’s caress, knowing the farmgirl was capable of feats of strength that only Rainbow Dash could match. She’d readied herself in every way she knew how, not willing to be outmatched even by the woman she’d expected to be the love of her life. Yet now, at the receiving end of Pinkie Pie, a single thought that held a single word within it was all the prismatic woman needed to sum up her feelings on the marvelous ordeal: “Ow.”

Pinkie giggled, twisting herself about so as to lie beside –but not on- her long-desired lover, body thoroughly drenched in sweat and sexual delight. “Did we have fun?” she asked playfully.

Rainbow had been thoroughly schooled but wasn’t one to admit that. Pinkie’s luxuriously thicc body wasn’t a façade, and perfectly suited for the frenzied woman’s voracious hunger. Rainbow Dash had trained herself to fight, to endure, and even she had been completely outclassed. Pinkie Pie had made her feel like little more than a rank amateur, and surprisingly she didn’t mind that thought in the slightest.

When she received no response in kind, Pinkie forced herself into a sitting position and looked down upon her prismatic prize with some slight concern. “Rainbow Dash?” she asked. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Only because,” Rainbow managed at last, “I wanted you to.”

Pinkie smiled, lying beside her heart’s desire and placing a kiss on Rainbow’s nose. “So that was fun,” she remarked, a hand gently pushing aside frazzled hair and allowing their eyes to find each other clearly. “Maybe take a nap, go another round?”

Rainbow’s spirit, well supplied with a full assessment of Pinkie’s body, was more than willing. Her flesh, far more thoroughly conquered, was spongey and bruised. “Maybe another time,” she wheezed.

Pinkie erupted into laughter, cuddling up beside her well-toned girltoy in a gentle snuggle. “Miss Rainbow Dash, I didn’t wear you out, did I?”

Her pride was at stake here. “Maybe a little.”

“Bothered by that?”

Rainbow allowed herself another one-over of Pinkie’s perfectly delectable body- and a small feel of pristine titty for good measure. “Not one bit,” she replied.

Pinkie glowed, content to dwell beside her long-awaited prize and bask in her conquest. “Well, if you don’t mind, how about I make us something to eat?” she offered. “I don’t know about you, but I think I’m still hungry.”

Rainbow had been treated like a five-course meal with this woman, but didn’t mind the offer. “Sounds good by me,” she answered.

“Yay! I’ll take a shower, you never want your food to get dirty,” Pinkie said. “But… I don’t know if I can manage your super-expensive shower all by myself, Rainbow Dash. If only you could help me figure it out.”

The offer was inviting, as well as the implications, physical exhaustion overridden by lustful senses. Besides, it wasn’t as though she didn’t need to clean up herself. Rainbow struggled to get to her feet and was helped more by Pinkie than she would’ve admitted, the two women wandering haphazardly over to an awaiting shower that had them thoroughly soaked in moments flat, the comforting flow of the water unclenching their well-used muscles and letting them truly begin to relax. Body still pressed closely against body, even in Rainbow’s spacious shower stall; Pinkie seemed eager to keep feeling Rainbow’s naked body every now and then, and Rainbow felt no inclination to make her stop. They tried to shower, tried to get themselves clean- or at least pretended to. It didn’t take much time for the two to become intertwined yet again, though perhaps their passions a bit more dialed back than they had been before. Rainbow was a more physical being, decisively unromantic and thoroughly sexual in nature- but Pinkie wanted to kiss, and she was in no mood to stop her.

In fact, she found the argument rather persuasive. Pinkie wasn’t as soft as Rarity had been, but there was warmth in each touch of tongue she felt; there was a sweetness on her lips that held a hint of spiciness- did she taste like cinnamon? A thought that clearly required a thorough analysis, Rainbow pressing Pinkie against the shower wall and allowing herself means to explore in deeper fashion. She was surprised at how much she was enjoying this- not just the act itself, but with whom she shared it. Pinkie Pie wasn’t elegant like Rarity, not strong and confident like Applejack; she was attentive, sweeter than the confections she was always surrounded by, who she was taking a person who she had never regarded often and turning her into something desirable. Why had she never considered Pinkie Pie before? Pinkie had clearly considered her. There was something to explore here, and Rainbow liked the idea.

She might just see where it took her.

Their comfortable, warm, shower-soaked kisses eventually came to an end, reality setting in as they extracted themselves from the depths of the shower and crept down to the kitchen, most unfortunately fully clothed. Cravings of hunger began to set in and arouse a different physical need; Rainbow found her mouth already watering, memories of Pinkie’s culinary skills coming back to mind. She wouldn’t leave the table unsatisfied, of that much she was certain.

“Oh gosh, this is the best thing ever,” Pinkie breathed, fingering through a drawer of items and bringing forth a piping bag of icing in hand. “Just what I needed after all that fun we had!” She cocked her head back and prepared to squeeze the rich delicacy directly into her awaiting mouth-

Rainbow felt the flicker of recollection the moment after she saw the piping bag extracted. The Cake’s house- wedding cake- bad idea- poison! “HOLY FUCK DON’T EAT THAT!” She ripped away the deadly concoction the very moment the first sputtering had managed to leak out, barely missing Pinkie’s awaiting orifice and spattering onto the countertops.

“Rainbow!”

“Oh jeez! You didn’t eat any, did you?” Rainbow asked, tossing the piping bag aside and tending to her- girlfriend? Friend with Benefits? I need to get this question answered. “Pinkie, you scared me half to death!”

“It’s just icing!” Pinkie chided playfully. “Goodness, Rainbow, it’s not like I’m not already sorta fat.”

“It’s not about the icing –wait, you’re not fat, you’re extra thicc and I love it- wait a minute! Focus!” Rainbow motioned for silence, trying to get herself and get a grip on her thoughts. “OK… look, that piping bag... uh, it was- sort of, umm- poisoned. By me.”

Pinkie cocked an eye at Rainbow, mystified and suspicious. “Wait…. Isn’t this the icing we were gonna put on Applejack’s wedding cake?” she mused, taking the piping bag and examining it.

“Yeah, I- look, it was a bad idea,” Rainbow admitted. “I backed out and thought better of it. I guess I had a little bit of a conscience to help me out. I’d poked some holes in the bag to add the poison and was planning to just leave it there, but I messed up. I meant to throw it away, actually, guess I just forgot.”

Pinkie sighed and shook her head at her potential girlfriend’s bullishness, giving the piping bag a squeeze- and then suddenly turning rigid. “Rainbow Dash?”

Rainbow, in desperate need of something to drink, paused in her search for a water bottle. “Yeah?”

“There’s no hole in this piping bag.”

She hadn’t heard that. Rainbow let the fridge close itself, coming over to Pinkie’s side and taking the most definitely poisoned bag of icing and giving it a thorough examination. She’d poisoned it, she knew she had. It definitely wasn’t a good idea, but she’d pierced a pair of small holes in the center to see it done-

“There’s no holes here,” Rainbow said.

“Uh-huh.”

“I punctured the piping bag to put the poison in,” Rainbow added.

“Uh-huh?”

“I- I dropped the piping bags.” Rainbow gave a start. “I grabbed the wrong bag, thinking I’d grabbed the poisoned one.”

“Uh-huh.”

A rigid, horrified turn to her dear companion. “Pinkie, what did you guys do with the other piping bag of icing?”

“We used it,” Pinkie answered tremulously.

“On Applejack and Princess Celestia’s wedding cake?”

“On their wedding cake.”

“I accidentally poisoned their cake.”

“Uh-huh.”

Pink fuzz held the gaze of numerous colors. Silence held the space between them, realization at what was going to happen swiftly setting in. Poison on a wedding cake, a wedding cake that was surely going to be eaten. By guests, by the wedding party, and the two brides right off the bat. Poison often killed people rather effectively. Pinkie looked at Rainbow, and Rainbow looked at Pinkie. After all their silence had been used up, reality demanded some measure of a reaction, and the two horrified women gave the only one they knew:

Screaming.

“HOLY SHIT I KILLED PRINCESS CELESTIA!” Rainbow shrieked.

“THEY’RE GONNA BLAME THE CAKES FOR THIS, OH MY GOD!”

“OH FUCK, ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE THERE! EVERYBODY WE KNOW IS THERE! HALF OF FUCKING CANTERLOT IS THERE!”

“AND THEY’RE GONNA KNOW IT WAS US!”

“I JUST KILLED HALF A CITY BY ACCIDENT!”

“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD-”

“OH SHIT- AND THEY’RE GONNA KNOW IT WAS ME!”

“Oh my god we’re gonna DIE!” Pinkie cried, a deluge of tears absolutely drenching the kitchen floor.

Rainbow wanted to run- needed to run, anywhere away from here. She needed to go into hiding, she- “I need to stop that wedding reception!” she roared. “Pinkie, when does their wedding start? Where is it?”

Pinkie gave a wet sniff. “It’s in the palace,” she moaned, “and the wedding started ten minutes ago.”

Ten minutes ago, in a city quite far away. With no way to reach it in time, and no means by which she could enter, Rainbow’s tactical calculations summarized the entire situation rather succinctly: “We are so fucked.”

“Oh no we’re not!” Pinkie’s drenched hair suddenly dried itself, the frizzy woman taking Rainbow in an iron grip and racing out the door. “We’re gonna destroy that wedding cake and save everybody’s butts right now! Quick- to the Pinkie Trebuchet!”

Rainbow had never known Pinkie could be that fast, she positively dragged along through town until she was in the backyard of the bakery and standing beside a gargantuan machine of wood and rope the likes of which she hadn’t seen anywhere but pictures in history books. “What the hell- a catapult?”

“Catapults suck ass, you beautiful idiot!” Pinkie replied, throwing Rainbow into the bucket and promptly snuggling in beside her, a rope held fast in the grips of her hands. “Now shut up- we’re flying!”

“Wait we’re-”

A harsh tug from Pinkie Pie and the rope released the bucket at last, the counterweight moving with speed that made even their rapid trek through town seem like a snail’s pace in comparison. A sudden lurch from below and Rainbow found herself flung through the air with as much dignity as last week’s trash, hurtling into the sky and leaving the scream she released somewhere miles behind her.

Anyone who had been able to squeeze themselves in had found themselves into the royal hall, the incredible throng of spectators not enough to deter any of the guards who had wanted a glimpse of their Princess’s wedding. They knew it would be a once-in-a-lifetime event, a moment in time that would be cherished by all who witnessed it- and most by their beloved Lady herself. Some had debated amongst themselves: would this make the farmer Applejack a Princess? If so, what was she the Princess of- Nature? The arguments were good-natured, but endured constantly, even if the participants didn’t much care about the answers. Their Celestia, whom they cherished in their work, was getting married. Her happiness was what mattered most to them.

Despite the desire for otherwise, some unlucky few still found themselves outside and away from the ceremonies- and eventual festivities. Watchful eyes still patrolled the walls, even if not a soul expected a thing to happen. Every Princess of Equestria was inside the hall for the wedding, along with some of the kingdom’s greatest defenders. Anyone who chose to strike now was suicidal.

A cheer erupted from somewhere within, only slightly muffled by the great breadth of stone that encapsulated it all. A pair of armed guards patrolled along the walkways, pausing to listen for a moment as the great roar of a throng came into earshot.

“Guess that did it,” said the taller of the two, a small smile growing even on his dour face. “Ever thought our Princess would be a married woman?”

“No. And you don’t get to pussy out of answering,” said his companion. “Now… defend yourself, asshole.”

The guardsman sighed, tired of this debate that had continued since they had begun their patrol. He was right and that was simply it, far as he was concerned. This argument was superfluous right from the moment it had begun. “Yes.”

“No,” the other countered, glaring and positively set in her mind.

“Yes.”

“I'm telling you, she's the little spoon,” the guardsman said.

His friend snorted. “Get fucked. The Princess of Equestria is not a little spoon."

“Bet.”

“OK, wise-ass. Why?” He’d been arguing this point for a while now, and demanded a full explanation. Now was no time to falter.

The taller of the two groaned. “Total relinquishment of power. Gets to relax and be vulnerable. Why wouldn't she be?” he asked.

“Because that's stupid. She's the big spoon.”

“Five bits I'm right,” came the challenge.

His companion, however, was not quite so foolish as to be certain. “Go fuck yourself.”

The guardsman laughed, knowing that he’d gotten his friend into a corner. “Pussy.”

… But there were some things one simply couldn’t take. “Fine, here. Jackass.” Coins switched hands and confirmed the bet, a stupid question already forming in the soldier’s minds. There would be a time when they’d get it answered, no matter the consequences. It was only a matter of time.

Silence carried between them as they continued their rounds, walking along the gleaming stone wall and surveying the lands below.

“... Who's got the bigger rack, Princess Luna or Fluttershy?”

“Fluttershy.”

“Yeah, I think so, to-”

A hand held up in a call for silence. “Hold on. You hear that?”

The guardsman held a hand to his ear, straining to hear the strangest of sounds: a high-pitched squealing thing that seemed to be growing in volume- or perhaps even growing close. “Yeah, is- is someone screaming?”

A darkened shape was moving through the air with great speed, coming directly towards them and showing no shift in its trajectory. Was it an animal? An explosive? It surely couldn’t be-

“Is that a person?”

As if on cue, the world suddenly became very weird- a pair of human figures, one screaming in terror as the other echoed in delight, crashing onto the wall with such perfect finesse that it seemed remarkably uncanny. Right before the eyes of the two stunned guards stood two young women, absolutely out of place and offering no explanation for how they’d even gotten there in the first place.

“Wow, that worked!” Pinkie cried happily, breathless from excitement at their airborne trip. “Ooh, we’ll have to do that again if we don’t get thrown in prison! Can we, Dashie, please-”

“Hey!” Some manner of instinct finally found its way into the minds of the shocked guards and they made to grab hold of their unexpected foes-

“Whoop! Sorry, boys, we’ve gotta go!” Pinkie cried, she and Rainbow racing away down the wall and heading towards the nearest entrance into the castle hallways.

Rainbow was in a near-state of panic as she ran alongside her eager accomplice. She needed to correct this mistake now or else she really might see prison walls for the rest of her life. Was Tartarus still open? She didn’t want to find out the answer. She just needed to find that cake and somehow make right her potentially disastrous wrong before things got out of hand. The idea of killing all her friends and all of the kingdom’s royalty by her own stupidity wasn’t a thought that she found very appealing.

“Stop where you are! Freeze, dammit!” Their pursuers were still hot on their tail and gaining accomplices; those along the wall were focused on nothing but their surprise assailants that no doubt wanted to cause mischief, even if they did seem quite familiar-

“We’re gonna get caught!” Rainbow gasped, the halls of the castle like a labyrinth as they entered. How was she supposed to find this cake if she didn’t have the slightest clue where it was?”

“Oh no we’re not!” Pinkie replied confidently, taking Rainbow by the hand and leading her along. “Come on, I know where they’re gonna have the reception!”

“Stop right now! Surrender, hands on your head!” The calls for an end to the chase were growing louder with each new voice, the clink of armor and weapons making Rainbow’s stomach churn. Pinkie was guiding them expertly and they were moving as fast as they could, but time wasn’t on their side. If the reception had already started before they’d arrived…

“Wow, they’re all really fast, even with all that armor on,” Pinkie said, taking a look over her shoulder at the growing horde of guards giving chase. “That’s kinda hot, I’d ask for a date or two if I didn’t love you so much-”

“Hey!”

“Just kidding- oop, we’re running out of room!” Pinkie ducked as a stone flew by her head and missed only by mere inches. “Rainbow, you’re gonna have to go on alone, I’ll stall them!” A hand delved into the pocket of her shorts and extracted a massive sledgehammer, pressing the titanic object into Rainbow’s hands-

“But I don’t know where to-”

“Next hallway and take a right, you’ll see the reception hall ahead of you! Love you, let me eat your ass later!” Pinkie stopped dead in her tracks and whirled herself about, casting aside her shirt and letting her magnificent bosoms be displayed in all their unparalleled glory. “Feast your eyes, boys!”

Those that managed to stay conscious in the sight of such naked splendor gave a cacophony of reactions, some crying out in words of praise, others unable to do anything but gawk at this truly unforgettable experience. One or two turned to their comrades-in-arms and began throwing punches, clearly eager to knock away any potential rivals that could threaten their imagined claim upon such tracts of land-

Rainbow found herself stopping by instinct, suddenly buoyed by anger at such a reveal of the glorious milkers she adored. “Hey, those are mine-”

“Run, you idiot!”

Rainbow felt more pressure to not let those bum guards get a good look at her girlfriend’s titties but she obeyed, racing down the hall and seeing the grand doors of the reception hall far ahead of her- and still sealed shut! “Holy shit, I might actually pull this off!”

Before there could be any chance of someone appearing to stop her, Rainbow Dash crashed through the door and tried to seal it shut behind her, immediately calling it a waste of time in light of more pressing matters. She scanned the room, searching for the beautiful cake that required total destruction by her hand. The place was beautifully decorated, clearly the work of Pinkie and Rarity together, the displays of excellence now doing little more than obscuring her view. She needed that damned cake-!

“Aha!” There in the back corner, sitting alone on a table and meant to hold the attention of the guests as they came towards the food line. It was a beautiful thing, probably the best cake Pinkie and the Cakes had ever created. It really was a pity it had to be smashed. “Alright,” Rainbow said, taking the massive sledgehammer and swinging it high into the skies above her head. “Time to die, bitch!”

The hall doors slammed opened and there, adorned in a magnificent pink dress and somehow seething with unimaginable wrath, was Princess Luna. Her eyes locked onto the now-trembling form of Rainbow Dash, a quick analysis of both sledgehammer and situation enough to explain everything. “Don’t- you- dare!” She snarled.

Rainbow dared.

At least she wasn’t dead. Or Rainbow didn’t think she was dead. She might be surer of that statement if she was certain how she’d gotten here.

She was, far as she was aware, in a prison cell. Cold and dingy, marked by an air of ill use about it. The palace likely wasn’t a place that saw its prisons ever put to much use, so she might be this cell’s first occupant in quite some time. Maybe even centuries. It would be a cool fact if it didn’t mean she was probably gonna die.

She wondered how she’d ended up here. Rainbow wasn’t certain of much after the remnants of wedding cake had overwhelmed her vision. There’d been a hand –likely Luna’s- and then after that, nothing. It wasn’t the best recollection of past events, nor did it explain how she’d ended up down here. I hope Pinkie’s alright, was her first thought.

Her second thought was a little more rancorous. How dare she show off her tits like that! Those are mine, dammit!

There was a sound from somewhere out of sight that brought an end to her musings. A creak that spoke of rusted hinges, maybe a door somewhere being opened. And footsteps, alright- but heels? Here? Rainbow was fairly certain it wasn’t Princess Luna. As they came close and at last into view, she hadn’t expected a mermaid wedding dress that held Applejack.

There was a small tremor of spirit inside her at the sight of the beautiful farmgirl, despite Rainbow’s best efforts. This was why Princess Celestia had instructed her to not try and attend the wedding; the dress fit wonderfully, flaunting the natural sensuousness that Applejack so easily possessed. The soft, creamy, almost-rosy white was a perfect match for the blonde hair, and seemed to make her freckles twinkle like stars. The addition of makeup, perfectly applied and only in spare places, had enhanced the woman’s natural beauty. To Rainbow Dash’s displeased mind, it wasn’t difficult to remember why she’d fallen for this woman; she really was one of the most beautiful women on earth.

Applejack regarded the imprisoned Rainbow Dash with a bemused expression, the barest hint of a smile hidden behind a hand resting against her lips. “Howdy,” she said.

Rainbow pushed unhappy thoughts aside and tried to ignore how she wanted to feel. “Hey, Applejack.”

“You smashed my wedding cake,” Applejack remarked. Her voice was calm, eerily like Princess Celestia’s. Just how much had she changed since she’d become entwined with the Princess?

“There was an accident.”

“You didn’t mean to smash my wedding cake?” Applejack asked.

“Umm.” Rainbow floundered for a moment. “An accident before that.”

“So I heard.”

She needed to ask, a small fear of someone suffering due to her mistakes. “Is Pinkie alright?”

“Yeah. She’s upstairs saying hi to the girls,” Applejack answered. “Told us what happened, too.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Rainbow wanted to look anywhere but Applejack, to think of anything but Applejack. Celestia had been right, she really wasn’t capable of this. Maybe never capable again, but she didn’t want to lose such a good friend because of her idiocy-

“Did you really try to kill Tia?” Applejack inquired.

Tia? Of course. They were a couple, of course such names would find their way. “It was a coping mechanism?” Rainbow suggested.

“Through murder,” Applejack assessed.

“I didn’t say it was healthy.”

Applejack shook her head, looking away for a moment until her smile couldn’t be held in check, laughter breaking through and illuminating the dulled prison. Even in the midst of her embarrassment, Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but join in- even if it were at her own expense.

“Rainbow, darlin’,” Applejack said, “you might the most stubborn gal I’ve ever met. Attack goats, for heaven’s sake.”

Rainbow couldn’t resist laughing at that one. “I’ve had better ideas,” she admitted.

“Well… thanks, I guess,” Applejack replied. “Doubt we would’ve wanted to start married life with getting poisoned. I mean, would’ve been nice to not have the cake poisoned at all…”

“I wasn’t trying!” Rainbow protested. “Look, AJ, I just- would- would you do me a favor, please?”

Applejack regarded her friend, still glowing with that gentle amusement that seemed almost royal, too graceful for a mere apple farmer to acquire on her own.

Rainbow knew what she was going to do would hurt. “Look, umm,” she began, “I know you probably know what’s going on and everything- and… and how I feel- or felt.”

“I know,” Applejack said, her voice softening and losing its touch of humor in light of more serious matters. “Tia and I weren’t trying to hurt you, I promise. I know it’s not fun.”

A reminder of Rarity, a love she’d denied Applejack only a few years ago. How odd that it had led to this. “Can you-? Look, I know it’s stupid, but can you tell me? I need to hear it from you to make it stop.”

Applejack smiled, sympathy in her eyes as she waved a ringed finger for Rainbow to see. “And I’ve never been happier,” she declared, “I love that silly Princess, Rainbow. Tia and I just… she makes me happy.”

And I wouldn’t have? The question wanted to be asked, it begged to be, but Rainbow stamped it out with a solid shake of her head. Those days were gone, never to be born or see daylight at all. If Applejack was her friend, even in the barest measure, she would be happy for her. “Congrats on getting married, AJ,” she said at last. “Celestia is… she’s cool.”

“Oh, cool, is she?” Applejack teased. “What, did failed regicide make you change your mind?”

Rainbow knew better than to try and answer. “So, umm… what are you gonna do with me- Princess?” she added, remembering at last what had transpired.

“Oh hush, I ain’t no Princess,” Applejack replied. “At least not like that. I’m still an Apple, even if I got married, and don’t you forget it. I don’t want none of this fancy titles and what-not in the slightest.”

“Why not?”

“Because she is far too humble,” came the answer, Princess Celestia stepping forth from out of sight and standing beside her bride, a single kiss to the forehead as greeting. “She’ll never let me treat her right, no matter how much I beg her.”

“Don’t you start that again,” Applejack countered, the argument between the two clearly an old one. “I’m just your girl and that’s all that matters. I don’t need to be some Princess for that to be true.”

“Another time, perhaps,” Celestia said, smiling nonetheless as she turned to Rainbow. She was clearly the perfect match to Applejack, dressed in a resplendent wedding dress that so naturally accented her beauty. They were both lovely, and each made better by the other. It was the first time she had seen them truly together, Rainbow realized, and she was glad she had not put it to an end.

“So you decided to show up after all,” Celestia guessed.

“Sorry for destroying your wedding cake,” Rainbow said, and truly meaning it.

Celestia looked at Rainbow, and then turned to her wife, her smile growing as a light danced in her eyes. “I believe it can be forgiven,” she said after some thought. “But only if you come join us at the reception. We’d hate for you to miss it.”

Rainbow Dash, despite her misgivings, had a good time. She didn’t intend to stay for more than a few minutes, but found herself in the midst of a far more finely dressed crowd for nearly an hour. Greetings with friends were shared alongside apologies, some not quite yet complete in light of darkened pasts. Rarity’s eyes still held sorrow, only dimmed by the comforting touch of her darling Fleur; Luna still appeared eager to squish Rainbow like a bug, the fire promptly squelched by Fluttershy’s gentle words. Rainbow hoped there would be time to see those wounds healed and finally made right.

Rainbow held back as guests took to the floor in a dance, her eyes drifting through the numerous couples as they went back and forth in tandem, some perhaps more perfectly than others; Rarity and Fleur were a seamless pair, the two pristine beauties intertwined in an elegant waltz that Rainbow knew she never could have managed; there was still bitterness between she and the fashionista, but maybe she’d see it put to rest someday. A gleam of light caught her eye and she smiled softly at the sight of Fluttershy resting comfortably in the arms of Luna, the two dancing slowly and so deep in their own little world that none could hope to rouse them from it anytime soon; they held wedding bands, too, Rainbow realized- she’d love to finally hear the story behind it.

A wave of blonde hair and Rainbow gave a bittersweet smile as she watched Applejack move alongside Celestia, a small pang of heart as she watched them kiss. It would be a long while before she was fully alright with it, but she wanted to be. Needed to be, really, if she were honest. They’d been friends long before Rainbow had tried to change things, and Applejack had spent many years glad of Rainbow’s friendship in turn. It would be such a waste to throw it all aside and cling to bitter feelings, especially now when both could be happy with a different sort of future. Maybe not fully, maybe not yet, but someday- hopefully soon.

Rainbow caught the eye of Celestia and could have sworn she saw a smile; a wave of farewell and the prismatic woman turned to leave, trying not to laugh as she saw Twilight out of the corner of her eye, arms about Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom as the drunken, lovesick trio toddled off to find some secluded corner. Just what else had she missed in all her oblivious pining? The thought of frizzy, pink hair entered her mind; one absent from festivities, and somehow the one least likely to be.

The evening sun was fading in the distant sky when Rainbow Dash at last found herself standing outside the gates of her home, a weary sort of smile on her face as she beheld it. Yes, it would likely be a lonely night, but there were far worse fates. She could live with it for a little while longer, and it would be good to get her thoughts sorted out.

To her surprise, the door opened; Pinkie Pie, kitchen apron draped across her front as she stood at the threshold, a warm smile adorning her sweet face as she awaited the arrival of her heart’s deepest desire. “Hey, Rainbow Dash,” she said gently. “Welcome home.”

“Hey, Pinkie,” Rainbow greeted, smiling more deeply at the sight of the comfortably dressed woman. Pinkie wasn’t anyone but Pinkie, not a dash of elegance or regality, or any of that strong presence in the slightest- nothing but warmth and sunshine, all of it there for Rainbow to cherish. She would not have to be alone tonight after all, and the thought soothed her, made her tired spirit find a fresh wave of energy. Before Pinkie could say another word, Rainbow took the loving woman in her arms for a kiss of her own making, a small squeak of happiness slipping from between them as the overjoyed baker melted into her arms.

“Ooh…” Pinkie’s face was rapturous. “Feel free to do that anytime.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Rainbow said smoothly, enjoying the pleasant plumpness of Pinkie’s lips on her own for a second time around. “Can I come in?”

Pinkie’s hand took her own and led her inside, the lights of the kitchen beckoning them further in. “I hope you said hi to everybody,” she said, “sorry I had to leave early, I wanted to make us some dinner. I figured you wouldn’t want to stay long.”

The intuition was a surprise to Rainbow, but one she was quickly grateful for: a wonderful spread of roast chicken sat upon the kitchen table, completed by a steaming bowl of mashed potatoes and green beans along its side. The smell was intoxicating, a fantastic indicator to the quality of the meal. She was already beginning to feel her mouth water. “Wow.”

“Like it?” Pinkie asked. “I figured you’d like something simple- you know, nothing too heavy. And it’s mostly pretty good for you, so you can stay fit and strong like always!”

“It’s perfect,” Rainbow whispered, taking a seat and leaning back to survey the glorious meal before her. It was for her- her and Pinkie, the pink-haired chef sliding down onto Rainbow’s lap and settling her arms about her neck.

“Mind if I keep you company, sweetheart?” Pinkie asked, leaning in and placing a kiss on Rainbow’s cheek.

Rainbow Dash laughed, at last realizing just how pretty Pinkie Pie really was. It was a shame it had taken her this long to figure that out, too. “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she answered happily.

Author's Note

And so it ends.

I wish I'd done better on this, I never could figure it out. Damn. Shout-out for my most downvoted story because I didn't use the most common shipping pair in the show.

Well, I'm off. I've got an epilogue for something else to finish.