Conker's Bad Mane Day

Please note: This is an intro for those who have not played the game, because I know some people have never played this game and want to read this. If you have played the game, you can skip to the next chapter, or re-watch the intro below. I didn't put much effort into the 'chapter', so it will not be humorous or worth reading, unless you prefer reading to seeing the video prologue.

Prologue

NINTENDO
PRESENTS

A
RAREWARE
GAME

STARING
CONKER
&
BERRI

(writing up to this part took the longest of the intro lol)

Camera fades to a red squirrel on a throne. By the look on his face, it appears he quite pissed off. He takes a sip of the glass of milk in his hand. As the camera zooms out, it shows a whole barrage of various animals and tools, most notable six variously colored, cartoon-like ponies, all looking very proud of theirselves.

"Well, there I am, Conker the king; king of all the land. Who'd have thought that? But how did I come to this, you say. And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne. That you also say. It's a long story. Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started yesterday, and what a day that was! It's what I like to call, a bad fur day."

The doors of the throne room close on the opening title:

"Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place. I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your, like, name and number, and sound cute, I may ring you back. Ciao!"

"Hi Berri," our squirrel hero, Conker, says into his phone. Sounds of breaking bottles can be heard in the background. "Hello... Berri if you're there, pick up. Hello! Oh. Anyway, look..." The scene changed to Conker talking into a pay phone on the wall of the Cock and Plucker, the local bar. "I'm going to be a bit late. Met up with a couple of guys, and they're off tomorrow to some... I dunno, fight some war somewhere. Anyway. I'll see ya. Love you!" He kissed the phone a couple times for good measure.

"I think she bought it."

"Conker, put the phone down!" a drunk voice shouted.

"Oh, okay!" he set the phone back onto the stand, "Right! Whose round was it?"

"YOURS!" the entire bar screamed.

"What? Again? Okay," he jump down onto the floor, "can someone lend me a fiver?" (a fiver is a £5 bill)

That night of partying left Conker drunker then he had ever been in his life. "Ugh. I don't feel so good now. You guys enjoy yourselves and all that, and I'll probably see you sometime next week. I gotta go home." his vision was dazed, so he headed toward the first thing resembling a door. "I'll go this way. Nope, that's the toilets." he turned around "I'll go this way then. Yep. That's better."

He exited the bar into the blurred world beyond. A lizard monk was studying his tablet outside. "Doesn’t look too good tonight. Ugh. Ooh. Hang on a sec." He proceeded to barf that night's round of beer onto the ground, a large portion landed on the monk. It hissed at him.

"Ah ha. Sorry about that old chap. I gotta go." He wonders which way to go and decides to find his way by following the right.

He appears in front of a sign show the choice of "Naughty" and "Nice." Unfortunately for drunken Conker, the signs are illegible blurs. "Can’t quite make it out. Anyway, seems pretty familiar to me." Unbeknown to him, three wasps steal a hive, which he must later retrieve, behind him. He turns around, missing them by mere seconds. "Huh? What was that? Oh, well. This way I suppose." He turns around and walks down the path behind him.

MEANWHILE

The scene changes to an enormous castle, zooming in through the window, we see the same throne room as before, with the throne occupied with Panther King, the previous monarchy. One of his guards walk over. "More milk, sire?"

The Panther King growled. "Yes." His voice was very low and threatening. The Panther King holds out a glass, which the slim guard pours milk into. He takes a sip and sets the glass down on the table beside him. The table in question happens to be missing an entire leg section. Newton's law takes effect as the table tips and the glass shatters on the floor, spilling milk everywhere.

The guard flinched, completely anticipating what is about to happen as the Panther King glares at him and attempts hyperventilation. The camera fades as he puts his dark, heartless soul into the loudest roar that has ever been heard to this day.

Our squirrel hero interrupts the cut scene, "Hey, Narat-ah don't ya think that was a bit too, ya know, overly dramatic. I mean, I saw the cut scene too, and it wasn't THAT loud."