Cinematic Adventures: Ace Ventura Pet Detective

by extremeenigma02

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 42284

The Mane Six and Spike are off on another adventure to help a wacky pet loving detective find a missing dolphin

Alllllrighty then!

The Mane Six and Spike are off on another adventure as they travel through the Multiverse to Miami, Florida. It is here where they meet Ace Ventura, a wacky and hilarious animal detective who is on the case to recover a missing dolphin that just happens to the be the mascot for the Miami Dolphins football team. Follow them as they encounter many bizarre clues all while staying ahead of Lieutenant Lois Einhorn, who has quite the grudge against Ace. Will they be able to prevail or will this mystery prove to be too much for our Equestrian heroes?

Warning: This story contains foul language, violence, and a little bit of sexual themes. If any of that bothers you...go f*** yourself. But if not, please like and comment on this story and enjoy the ride

Published 2022-05-23 12:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-05 21:56:57 UTC

Mysterious Disappearance

The sun shined brightly on another wondrous day in the magical land of Equestria. Along the outskirts of Ponyville, a cozy little cottage rested peacefully just near the Everfree Forest. A gentle hum filled the air as Fluttershy emerged from her little hovel and made her way to the backyard. The butter-yellow Pegasus smiled brightly as she entered her backyard, greeted by the sight of at least a dozen tiny woodland creatures.

The moment all the animals saw her, they instantly swarmed the kindred Element of Kindness. The tiny birds gave her tiny kisses with their beaks, the little rabbits cuddled up to her, and even Harry the Bear picked her up to hug her close.

“Aw, I’m happy to see you all too!” She spoke sweetly. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. Between my volunteer work at the hospital and all these missions through the Multiverse, I’ve just had so much on my plate.”

Harry gently placed Fluttershy back on the ground, as he just brushed it off (As did the rest of the animals). Despite Fluttershy’s busy schedule, her animal friends never held it against her. They still loved her as much as she loved them. Harry gave a low growl, which Fluttershy listened to intently.

“Don’t you worry none, Harry,” She assured. “I promise you I’ll help you gather enough honey for dinner tonight.”

Harry licked her cheek which caused the little Pegasus to giggle cutely. She then walked around the gardens, with her animal friends, as she began picking flowers and other assortment of items. As she did so, she also fed the assortment of creatures their daily portions of food. Seeds for the birds, vegetables for the rabbits, and a huge heaping portion of honey for Harry.

As the animals dug into their food, while Fluttershy continued picking flowers, the sudden sound of approaching footsteps drew her attention. Her eyes turned down the path to find Carrie White walking along the trail. Fluttershy instantly smiled upon seeing her ‘Super Shy Friend Forever’.

“Hello Carrie!” She greeted kindly. “I hope you day is going well.”

“It’s been quite successful,” Carrie nodded. “Twilight has been teaching me how to control my powers for a while now. I think I’ve made a breakthrough.”

Ever since the day Carrie and Derick came to Equestria some time ago, Carrie had always been afraid her powers would spiral out of control. Following the incident at Ewen, now referred to as the ‘Black Prom’, Carrie was concerned about blacking out one day and anyone she cared about (Or any ‘pony’ in this case) would be harmed. Hence why she was extremely grateful for Twilight to take the time to offer guidance to better understand and control her powers. This way, incidents like the ‘Black Prom’ would never happen again.

“That’s wonderful Carrie!” Fluttershy smiled. “Are you able to do anything with your powers at the moment?”

“I can certainly try,” Carrie responded.

The timid, shy girl turned pony slowly raised her hooves and closed her eyes, focusing on her wants and desires. Opening her again, taking a deep breath, she was surprised yet happy to see a large number of gardening tools hovering around the cottage in mid-air. When she swayed her hooves, the tools moved about and proceeded to perform the individual garden work of which each tool were designed for. Both Fluttershy and Carrie looked on in astonishment.

“You did it Carrie!” Fluttershy praised.

Carrie soon placed the tools back down, turning away to hide the shy blush in her cheeks.

“It’s Twilight’s lessons that made this possible,” Carrie responded. “She’s the one you should praise.”

Fluttershy approached her friend, gently pulling her head back to look into her eyes.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Carrie White,” Fluttershy pointed out. “You’ve worked so hard to perfect your powers just so you don’t lose control again. That is because you care about all of us, just as we care for you.”

Carrie smiled brightly as a single tear rolled down her face. She then threw her hooves around Fluttershy, who returned the gesture in earnest. Suddenly, a loud siren (Followed by flashing police lights) popped out of nowhere causing both girls to jump and yelp with shock and fear as Discord appeared.

“Emergency! Emergency!” He yelled. “This is a Code Red situation here folks! Trim the sails! Hoist the yard arms! Turn on the weather channel!”

Discord started hyperventilating and snapped his finger, so he’d dress like a church woman, as he started fanning himself with a fan. Fluttershy walked alongside him, placing a comforting hoof on his side.

“Calm down Discord,” She spoke calmly. “Just tell us what happened.”

“No time to explain,” Discord snapped back to normal. “We have to go now!”

With another snap of his talon, the pair disappeared in a flash. This left Carrie, along with a whole group of very confused animals wondering the exact same question:

“What the hay just happened?” Carrie asked.

<>

Fluttershy and Discord flashed into the very center of Discord’s Theatre where the spirit of chaos snapped his talon again. In another flash, the rest of the Mane Six and Spike popped right into the center of the theatre as well. Rarity was drying her mane with a towel when she turned and shrieked as she quickly covered herself. Spike had his lips puckered and eyes closed as though he was about to kiss someone. Applejack and Rainbow were deadlocked in a hoof wrestling match, only to stop once they noticed where they were. Pinkie was covered in flour and cake batter from head to hoof… because. As for Twilight, she had face cream all over her face with cucumbers over her eyes.

“What on Earth’s the meaning of this?!” Rarity yelled irritated.

“Gabby and I were having a private moment!” Spike grumbled. “Now I’ll never get that one back!”

“Ah was about tah win that there match till y’all done poofed us here Discord!” Applejack nodded.

“Are you kidding?” Rainbow asked her marefriend. “You were shaking like a lead about to crack.”

“Was not!”

“Was so!”

“Not the time guys!” Twilight sighed, fixing herself up with her magic. “Seriously Discord, why’d you bring us all here?”

“I was in the middle of preparing a very big order for Princess Luna’s birthday!” Pinkie pouted. “A dozen double-fudge red pepper cupcakes gone to waste!”

But Discord disregarded all their complaints, as he pulled a switch that opened the stage curtain. He turned back to them with a wide-eyed look.

“Oh it’s terrible!” He panicked. “Absolutely terrible!”

“If this is because you didn’t get clearance from Princess Celestia to build a swimming pool filled with pudding again, I am so going to get you!” Rarity growled, brushing her mane with her magic.

This made Discord stop panicking for a moment, laughing over the frowning pony.

“Please… I’ve eaten things more terrifying than you drama queen,” Discord chuckled.

“Discord, what… is… the… problem?” Twilight asked slowly.

“Phantom Dragon is missing!” Discord responded.

The Mane Six and Spike turned toward each other for a moment, then back toward Discord with raised curious eyebrows.

“Who?” They all asked.

Discord snapped his talon again, producing a pair of pictures in his claw and talon. One was of a unicorn stallion with a dark coat, dark mane, glasses, and a cobweb cutie mark standing beside Rain Shine. The other was of a man wearing a dark gray hoodie with a dragon on it, with matching jeans and tennis shoes.

“Phantom Dragon is the one helping me run this theatre,” Discord explained. “He’s also the one behind the commentaries for all the previous adventures you’ve been in—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up!” Rainbow piped in. “Commentaries? What’re you talking about?”

Pinkie turned toward Rainbow Dash, as though she just said the most ludicrous statement she ever heard.

“Well duh Rainbow, he works with the narrators by providing a wonderful product for their viewers to read,” She replied.

Rainbow just looked at Pinkie, confused over what she said. Twilight, meanwhile, stepped up toward Discord.

“You’re saying he’s been helping you run your theatre?” She asked curiously. “How come we’ve never seen him before?”

“He’s a very busy man,” Discord responded. “What with his work writing, handling the daily operations of the theatre, and his passionate romance with the Kirin Queen… he’s always on the move.”

Twilight stared at the draconequus for a moment, wondering if he finally flipped his lid. Ultimately, she decided to accept it much like she and the others do for Pinkie. Better to go along with it than to question it altogether.

“Okay… what happened exactly?” Twilight asked.

Discord chuckled nervously as his eyes darted back and forth a million miles an hour.

“I honestly have no idea…” He chuckled.

<>

*Flashback*

“Discord! Would you stop meddling with the television?” Phantom Dragon yelled.

Discord and Phantom Dragon, or PhD as he’s referred to, were setting up in the theatre for what was certain to be another adventure. Having already hosted a dozen watch parties for the previous adventures the Mane Six, Spike, and their companions have been in, they’ve gotten used to knowing when another adventure was about to begin. Right now though, PhD was focused on Discord fooling around with the television… ‘again’.

“It just isn’t fair!” Discord responded. “I’ve been left out of nearly ‘every’ single adventure so far. Yes I’ve been featured in a few ‘minor’ sequences… but when’s the time for Discord to have his moment?”

“I’ve told you before your time will come,” Phantom Dragon answered. “Right now, we must focus on the theatre.”

“I’m done selling popcorn and snacks!” Discord responded, fiddling with the television. “It’s finally my time to shine!”

“Would you just stop already!”

Phantom Dragon quickly raced toward Discord, desperate to stop him.

“Get off me!” Discord yelled.

“Let go!”

“I’m the Lord of Chaos!”

“I don’t care! Let go!”

As the two struggled, they accidentally bumped into the television and the device instantly sprung to life. They continued going back and forth while the portal opened up. Unfortunately, Phantom Dragon backed too close to it and before he knew it he was slowly sucked in. He screamed as he fell through the portal, which quickly closed behind him. This left Discord standing there in shock.

“Well… that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

<>

Discord smiled nervously as Twilight stared at him with squinted eyes. Finally, she rolled her eyes with a sigh.

“I suspect you want us to ahead and rescue him?” She asked.

“You really are the smart one Twilight Sparkle!” Discord smiled.

Again Twilight rolled her eyes and turned back toward her friends, all of whom gathered together.

“Looks like we’re off to the Multiverse to find this Phantom Dragon guy,” She declared.

“Seriously?!” Rainbow groaned.

“Yes seriously,” Twilight nodded. “We can’t leave a poor individual trapped in an alternate world forever.”

“Worked for Sunset Shimmer…” Rainbow replied.

Twilight glared toward her tomboyish friend, who held up her hooves in defense.

“Twilight’s right sugar cube,” Applejack spoke up. “That there feller could be in serious trouble. It’s up tah us tah go in and help.”

“I do hope he isn’t hurt,” Fluttershy spoke worriedly.

“Don’t you worry darling,” Rarity assured her. “We merely have to go in, find him, and everything will be alright.”

“That’s what we thought the last dozen times,” Rainbow replied.

“But it’s been a lot of funtastic adventures!” Pinkie smiled.

Spike merely groaned, clutching his head as though a massive migraine took over. Twilight noticed this and approached him to check it out.

“You okay Spike?” She asked worriedly.

“Yeah…” He assured her. “Just a headache.”

“Hmm… you’ve been getting them an awful lot since you’ve been sprayed by that black stuff on our previous adventure.”

As a matter of fact, since the Mane Six and Spike returned from WWE City, Spike had been getting splitting headaches for days on end. They thought they had cleared all the black liquid sprayed in Spike’s eyes, the like of which courtesy of Malakai Black. But turned out they barely scratched the surface. Suddenly, the headaches started coming and they were the reason he lost the 24/7 title the moment they got back.

Spike decided to defend the title just as it was meant to be back in WWE City. For a good month, he was able to hold onto it. But then one day, while walking through Ponyville and trying to stay out of sight, a raging headache made him lose focus. This allowed Smolder to sneak up on him and roll him up for a pin which the referee pony, Lucky Clover, made the count and declare Smolder the new 24/7 champion.

“Must you remind me?” Spike groaned.

“Maybe you should sit this one out,” Twilight suggested.

“No way!” Spike said sternly. “I’ve already been left out of ‘one’ adventure. I swore not to be left out of another. I already feel I don’t contribute enough on these missions and I’m not letting a little headache stop me.”

“Well… if you’re sure…” Twilight spoke uncertainly.

Spike merely nodded his head, as Twilight turned around toward Discord, who was setting up the television.

“You know what to do?” She asked him.

“I’ve just set the coordinates for the exact location Phantom Dragon disappeared to,” Discord responded. “Good luck every pony.”

He quickly activated the device and soon a portal opened up once more as the Mane Six and Spike gazed into it. One look toward each other, followed by a nod, and they stepped through the portal one-by-one. And soon… the Equestrian Heroes were off on another adventure into the Multiverse. Where would they land? No pony knows…

Ace Ventura: UPS

Intense heat radiated across the landscape of Miami, Florida as the sun shined down upon the city. In a dirty back alley, between two apartment buildings, the crystal portal opened allowing the Mane Six and Spike to exit. Soon as the ponies and their dragon companion stepped through the other side of the portal, they looked around their surroundings noting all the dirty and garbage-littered alleyway they stood upon. Not only that, but they also noticed they once more assumed their human forms.

“Huh… guess this adventure called for us to be human again,” Spike commented.

“I know…” Pinkie replied. “The fans must ‘really’ love seeing us as humans.”

“Oh sweet Celestia!” Rarity cringed at the garbage. “Disgusting! Honestly, couldn’t the portal have sent us anywhere else? Like the spa or something?”

“Pfft! Typical…” Rarity groaned.

“Where in the Sam Hill we done end up in this time?” Applejack asked.

“I have no idea,” Twilight responded. “But the sooner we find this ‘Phantom Dragon’, the better.”

All of a sudden, a nearby dumpster began thumping around quite loudly which caused everyone to jump. Turning toward the dumpster, all eyes went wide when a most unusual figure popped right out like a jack in the box. The figure in question turned out to be a man wearing a dark brown mailman’s uniform.

The man leapt from the dumpster, wiping himself off of any loose trash. He started patting himself down as though looking for something when a look of realization spread across his face. Reaching down into the dumpster, he pulled out a cardboard box.

“There you are!” He smirked.

He soon proceeded to do something of which the entire group thought was very… strange. He began to bang the box against the dumpster a few times, and they could very clearly hear what sounded like glass breaking inside. Finally, he stopped and turned to leave before he froze. His eyes met those of the Equestria Girls and Spike themselves. For a few moments, they just looked at one another before the delivery man’s confusion shifted to a more goofy look.

“Why hello there!” He greeted them. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met. Not every day I run into young ladies… or men… with the weirdest pigmentations on their skin.”

It took a moment before ‘any’ of the girls could find their voices to respond.

“Um… no, you would be right sir,” Twilight responded. “We have ‘never’ met before. My friends and I actually just arrived here and we’re looking for someone.”

“Well, isn’t that quite the coincidence?” The man smiled. “I happen to be looking for someone too. Perhaps you might have seen him? Little guy with white hair, walks on all fours, likes to sniff his own butt?”

The girls and Spike glanced at each other for a moment, clearly confused, before facing the man again.

“I beg your pardon sir?” Twilight asked, confused.

The man reached into the pocket of his uniform, procuring a piece of paper which he handed to them. Twilight took it first, and she (along with the others) studied it just to see it was a poster of a little dog. Being the animal lover she was, Fluttershy was the one to faun over the dog the most.

“Aww what a little cutie!” She smiled.

“Yes he is! And I’m currently on the case to find him,” The man informed. “I managed to track his location to an apartment building not far from here.”

“So what does this have to do with you dressing like a mailman and smashing around a box?” Spike asked curiously.

“All part of my disguise,” The man responded. “Oh, but where are my manners? I haven’t even introduced myself yet. The name’s ‘Pet Detective’… hmm, Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.”

He dropped the box from his hands, and it crashed to the ground again. Paying no heed, he stuck out his hand to them and Pinkie was the first to eagerly shake his hand.

“It’s super-duper nice to meet you Mr. Pet Detective!” She greeted. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, and these are my friends: Twilight, Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike.”

“The pleasure’s all mine,” Ace responded.

One by one, they all shook Ace’s hand and he picked up his package once again.

“Now I really hate to cut and run but I’ve work to do,” He said. “And if you’re ever in need of tracking any missing pets…”

He slipped a hand into his pocket and procured a business card, of which had a symbol of what was meant to be his face over a badge. The words ‘Ace Venture: Pet Detective’ in bold letters. And at the bottom of the card was the official motto of the business, ‘To serve and protect… your pets!’.

il_794xN.2265568787_n96a.jpg (794×1059) (etsystatic.com)

"Here's my card," He offered.

Ace proceeded to hand the business card to Twilight Sparkle, who took it delicately by hand. Just as began to walk away from the group he stopped abruptly once more and turned back.

“You said you were looking for someone, right?” He asked.

“That’s right Sugarcube,” Applejack nodded.

Ace quickly walked back toward them, as an imaginary lightbulb went off in his head.

“Perhaps we can help each other out,” He offered. “See… I don’t work with people often. But I happen to have connections with the police department in Miami and they just might be able to help you find your missing ‘person’.”

Rainbow narrowed her eyes with curiosity upon her face.

“What’s the catch?” She asked.

“Simple!” Ace responded. “You kids help me find this dog and I’ll bring you to the police station. What do you say?”

The girls Spike thought about it for a moment. If this guy truly had connections with the law enforcement of this area, he might be their ticket in finding Phantom Dragon’s whereabouts. The problem was that they didn’t really know this man all too well and had no real idea if they could trust him. Then again, they didn’t exactly have many other options. Ultimately, the decision wasn’t all too difficult.

“Alright Ace,” Twilight spoke. “You take us to the police and help find our mission companion, you have yourself a deal.”

She stuck her hand out and Ace gladly shook on their accord.

“Wonderful!” Ace replied. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Soon Ace turned heel and made his way down the alley with the Mane Six and Spike following close behind. They hadn’t the Earthly idea what exactly they had just gotten themselves into. But one thing was utterly certain…

“This guy’s an absolute nut!” Spike remarked.

“Tell me about it…” Pinkie Pie agreed. “… Huh, where’ve I’ve seen this guy before?”

<>

A short while later, Ace Ventura strolled down the streets of Miami with the package in hand. As he walked, for some reason he kept smashing the package into anything he could find along the way. Even performing a cartwheel with it still in hand… because he could. As if that weren’t enough, he now had a few ‘assistants’ on the job trailing behind him.

The Mane Six and Spike followed closely behind Ace, going down every step he took down the street. They noticed a bunch of people staring in bewilderment over Ace’s antics. The eccentric man kept smashing the package against nearly everything and anything.

“Okay seriously, what’s this guy on?” Spike asked.

“Now Spike, I’m sure he’s quite normal,” Rarity assured him. “I mean sure the man seems a bit… eccentric. But he seems alright.”

“If by ‘alright’ you mean incredibly cuckoo in the head,” Rainbow snickered. “Oh yeah, he’s right as rain.”

“Come on now Rainbow,” Twilight spoke up. “He’s our only lead on finding Phantom Dragon.”

“If that’s true, boy we are in trouble.”

Ace kept his pace down the street, dodging a couple of folk as though playing basketball. He raced up the front steps of a building, reached out to open the front door… and inadvertently flung the package behind him, sending it straight back down the steps. He goes back to retrieve the package, shook it a few times, then proceeded to enter the building.

Inside the building, several people stood in the elevator. Ace and the Equestrians squeezed into the elevator as best they could, waiting for the doors to close. Soon the doors started to shut… and smash into the package Ace held in front of him at least ‘three’ times before he finally pulled it back in, feigning embarrassment. The girls, minus Pinkie Pie, shook their heads and Spike slapped a hand on his forehead so hard it left a big red hand mark.

Eventually, they made it up to the floor they needed to be on and soon as the doors opened, Ace hurled the package down the hall. Soon as the group departed off the elevator, Ace started kicking the package around like a soccer ball as he turned back toward the group.

“Ventura looks for an opening to pass the ball to his teammates!” Ace spoke like a broadcaster.

Deciding to get in on the fun, Pinkie Pie jumped in and waved her arms in the air.

“I’m open!” She yelled. “I’m open! I’m open!”

Ace passed the package to her, and the girl started kicking it about back and forth. Soon the pair were passing it toward one another as though playing a real game.

“They’re looking to score big on this one!” Ace broadcasted. “One big kick could win the game for Miami. All they need is one good kick.”

They froze and turned back toward the rest of the group, particularly toward Rainbow Dash.

“Come on Rainbow, give it a good hard kick!” Pinkie encouraged.

“No way Pinkie!” Rainbow shook her head. “I’m not getting involved in this craziness.”

“Come on… you know you want to,” Pinkie tempted. “It’s down to the final two seconds and we need a game winning goal!”

Rainbow looked back and forth between Pinkie and Ave. A little smirk and an eye roll later…

“Eh, why not?”

Rainbow backed up and got ready as Ace smirked and pointed down the hall.

“We’re goin’ downtown!” He announced.

Rainbow then ran and gave the package a hard kick that made it fly all the way down the hall… and actually landed at the apartment they needed to get to.

“She shoots, she scores!” Rainbow yelled.

“And Rainbow Dash scores at the last second for the win!” Pinkie cheered. “Unbelievable!”

The group soon made their way down the hall to the apartment, as Ace picked up the package and knocked on the door. The sound of dog barking could be heard as well as a gruff man’s voice.

“Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!”

An angry, burly man whipped the door wide open and snarled at Ace. Some of the girls were taken aback by the man’s intimidating presence… particularly a ‘sensitive’ pink-haired animal lover.

“What do you want?” The man asked.

“U.P.S., sir,” Ace greeted. “And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then! I have a package for you.”

Ace thrust the package toward the man, who took it and could clearly hear the smashed bits inside.

“It sounds broken,” The man said.

“Most likely sir!” Ace nodded. “I bet it was something nice though!”

The man looked behind Ace, noticing the girls and Spike who all just smiled awkwardly.

“Who the hell are they?” The man asked.

“New recruits, sir,” Ace responded.

The man looked at them again, and they quickly decide to play along.

“That’s right, sir!” Twilight responded. “We’re here to offer you the best delivery service possible!”

“At U.P.S., you can always count on us to provide…”

“Shut up!” The man snipped.

Everyone stopped talking as Ace then procured a few forms from his uniform.

“Now… I have an insurance form,” He informed the man. “If you’ll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we’ll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.”

The man begrudgingly began filling out the form, as a small Shih tzu dog came to the door. The little dog wagged his tail and whined toward the group. Ace, as did the Equestrians, looked down toward the little creature.

“That’s a lovely dog you have,” Ace commented. “Do you mind if I pet him, sir?”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

Ace bent down and spoke to the dog in a really ‘sucky’ pet talk. Fluttershy too knelt down to pet the dog along his head.

“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little one?” She smiled. “Yes you are! Yes you are!”

The little dog started to lick her hand, which made the girl giggle. Ace then tapped her shoulder and she looked up to see him gesturing for her to take the dog and run. Fluttershy nodded and snatched up the dog quickly, then she and the rest of the Equestrians made their way down the hall while the burly man was preoccupied with filling out the forms. Eventually, Ace popped right back up and grabbed the forms from the man.

“That’s fine sir,” He said. “I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! ‘Bye ‘bye, then!”

Ace moved swiftly down the hall and into the stairwell to join the rest of the group. The gruff man took his package back into the apartment, tossed it down, and sat in front of the T.V. As he sat back watching a program, he looked over and noticed the dog still sitting… still looking toward the door.

“Get away from the door!” He ordered.

But the dog doesn’t budge. This was really started to piss him off. Getting up from his chair, he reached for the dog.

“What’s the matter with you? I said GIT!!!”

He roughly picked up the dog by the scruff of the neck, but as he turned around… he realized he was holding a ‘stuffed’ dog. Around its neck was a business card which read, ‘You have been had by Ace Ventura – Pet Detective.’ This ‘really’ angered the man as he slammed the fake dog down.

“Son of a bitch!”

<>

Ace burst out the front door of the apartment building where the rest of the group stood waiting. They quickly made a head start down the street rather quickly, every so often looking over their shoulders.

“You really think that was the best course of action?” Twilight asked fearfully. “That man didn’t seem like the friendliest folk right off the bat! We basically just ‘stole’ that dog from him.”

“But we had to do it Twilight,” Fluttershy told her. “The poor little dear was being abused back there. He told me himself.”

“Right now, let’s just focus on getting out of here before that lunatic comes looking for us!” Rainbow said urgently.

“Ah hear ya there Sugarcube,” Applejack agreed.

As they hurried off, Fluttershy handed the dog off to Ace.

“That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen,” Ace said. “Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be… A LOOSER! LOOHOOSERRRHERRR!”

Eventually, they rounded the corner into another alleyway where Ace’s car, an old beat up Chevy, was waiting for them. Ace climbed in first, lowering the seat to the backseat.

“Hop in ladies and gentlemen!” He ushered them in.

The Mane Six and Spike did their best to squeeze into the back seat, which was quite difficult seeing how small the car truly was. They were as tightly compacted together as they could get.

“You know, this isn’t exactly what I expected would happy on this journey,” Spike wheezed out.

“Don’t worry Spike,” Twilight assured. “I got this!”

Twilight, making sure Ace wasn’t looking, waved her hand and soon the interior of the car seemed to expand a bit, so the group weren’t so tightly squeezed together for long.

“Ahh… that’s better!” Spike sighed.

“Personally, I didn’t mind being that close!” Rainbow smirked toward Applejack.

Up front, Ace seated the dog in the passenger seat next to him.

“Hungry fella?” He asked.

The dog gave a small whimper of confirmation and Ace pulled open the car’s ashtray, and to the dog’s delight, it was filled with puppy chow. While the dog started eating, Ace tried starting the engine… unfortunately it wasn’t working.

“Everything alright Ace?” Rainbow asked.

“No problem, it gets flooded,” Ace responded. “We’ll just wait a few seconds.”

*SMASH!!!*

No sooner he said that did the burly man show up and smashed his windshield with a baseball bat. The girls and Spike jumped from the sudden attack and the dog began barking wildly.

“START THE CAR NOW!!!” Fluttershy yelled in fear.

“Right! We could try it now,” Ace agreed.

Ace frantically tried starting the car, as the burly man kept beating the living hell out of the car.

“Ooh… boy!” Rarity shook.

“This really isn’t what I planned to do today!” Spike shouted.

Ace kept trying to start the car as he looked into the rear view side mirror at his attacker.

“Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!”

The burly man smashed the side mirror as the dog barked insanely.

“Ace, hurry up and start the car!” Applejack yelled.

“You think you can do better?!” Ace yelled back.

The baseball bat was now pummeling the hell out of the trunk.

“Wanna give me a push while you’re back there pal?” He asked.

*BOOM!*

The back window shattered as the man struck it with the bat. Finally, Twilight had just about enough.

“Alright, we’re getting out of here now!”

Concentrating her magic, Twilight focused on repairing the car’s engine. Eventually, Ace was able to turn the key and the car roared to life, causing Ace to laugh manically.

“IT’S ALIHIHIHIVE!!!” He laughed insanely. “IT’S ALHIHIHIHIHIVE!!!”

Ace quickly slammed on the gas and drove off down the alley. But the burly man jumped on the back of the car, holding on as they drove. Ace tried to shake him off, but the guy held on pretty good.

“I don’t think so jerk!” Rainbow yelled.

Reeling back, Rainbow socked the man in the face so hard it knocked him right out as they turned the corner. Last they saw the man; he was rolling right off the back of the car and onto the street. Rainbow held her knuckles before shaking it off.

“Okay, it’s official,” Spike declared. “This is the craziest start of any adventure we’ve ever had.”

“Craziest start so far!” Pinkie pointed out.

“… What do you mean?” Spike asked worriedly.

“Uh-uh, can’t tell you silly!” Pinkie giggled. “It’ll spoil the surprise. Oh wait… forget that last part.”

Ace and his new gang sped away freely as the little dog hung his head out the car window barking merrily. Across the broken windshield, Ace also hung his head out the window just to see where he’s going. The car drove by a sign on a telephone pole: ‘Reward’ – with a picture of the Shih tzu in Ace’s seat.

<>

A short while later, Ace pulled the car up to a house and he emerged with the dog.

“You guys wait here,” Ace told the others. “I’ll be back shortly.”

Ace proceeded to take the dog into the house where a very ‘sexy’ woman smiled upon seeing her beloved doggy.

“My little baby!” She spoke happily, as the dog raced toward her. “You missed mommy didn’t you? Did daddy hurt you? I won’t let him, no I won’t. He may have kept the big screen T.V., but he’s not gonna keep my baby. No, he isn’t.”

Eventually, she turned her sights toward Ace and began to act very ‘seductive’.

“Thank you, Mr. Ventura,” She spoke flirtatiously. “How can I ever repay you?”

She slunk over to Ace, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my—”

She cut Ace off with a devastating kiss.

“Would you like me to take your pants off instead?” She offered.

Ace stared off into space for a moment, as he thought about it.

“Gee, let me think. Um… sure.”

And before he knew it, she drew him toward the bedroom.

“It takes a big man to stand up to my husband,” She spoke seductively. “He’s already put two of my lovers in the hospital.”

“How did he find out?” Ace asked curiously. “Does he have you followed?”

“No… I tell him.”

She planted a kiss along Ace’s neck and pulled him down onto the bed.

<>

Three hours later…

The Mane Six and Spike were all asleep in the back seat of the car, when Ace finally opened the door and got back into the driver’s seat. When the door slammed shut, everyone was jolted awake.

“What the hay man?” Rainbow asked. “It took you three hours to give the dog back?

“Um… not exactly,” Ace responded.

Just then, Spike began to sniff the air with his keen dragon sense of smell.

“What is that smell?” Spike asked curiously. “It smells like sweat and shame.”

“… Yeah,” Ace responded.

Ace began to drive himself and the gang away from the house and back towards Miami. The Mane Six and Spike just sat in the back seat contemplating the events of the day. Spike was right when he said this was the wackiest start to ‘any’ of their adventures so far. It caused them to wonder just how much crazier this trip could get.

Oh… they don’t know Ace very well…

We probably should’ve explained it better.

… Yeah.

<>

Later that night, the moon shined brightly over the stadium of the famed Miami Dolphins football team, the only football team in NFL history to ever have a perfect season in the history of the sport. Inside this very stadium, no one could be seen throughout the entire arena… not even a security guard in sight. The only occupant at the moment was the mascot for the Dolphins himself: Snowflake the Bottlenose Dolphin. Snowflake swam peacefully around his giant tank in the arena without a care in the world. The one place in his lifetime he could call… home.

Suddenly, the water was illuminated by the headlights of an N.D. panel truck. The rear door slid open as two men jumped out in wet suits. They slipped into the water while a third waited outside the tank. Snowflake surfaced to check out the action and one of he men began to feed him fish. Snowflake eagerly took it, then shuddered as a large syringe struck into his back.

Snowflake thrashed around trying to escape his situation. Unfortunately, the needle had done its job and he quickly went limp. Snowflake was soon loaded into the back of the truck and his excited cackle turned into a painful whimper. The truck quickly skid away, passing the guard gate where the guard was hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself. And it was on this night that the worst moment in Miami Dolphins history would be recalled…

Snowflake, their most prized mascot, was kidnapped…

A New Case

Author's Note

First and foremost, a big thank you to the wonderful quotes that were posted in the forum that made it into this chapter.

A New Case

The next morning, the girls and Spike awoke to find themselves still in the car of Ace Ventura. The day before had already been quite the experience for them, ending with aiding Ace in rescuing a puppy from his abusive owner. All hell had broken loose in the expanse of only a half hour into this journey and they just knew there was already more still to come. Gazing out the car window, they noticed Ace walking out of a grocery store with a few bags in his hands. He quickly hurled the bags in his trunk and got right back into the driver’s seat.

“Okay man, what’s the deal here?” Rainbow asked impatiently. “You told us you’d take us to the police so we could ask for their help. And so far, all we’ve done is sleep in this car all night while you get your freak on and go grocery shopping!”

“All part of the job!” Ace responded. “Some people show their gratitude in different ways. As for the groceries, well… I’m low on stock.”

Spike took a quick peek inside the grocery bags. Most of what Ace had picked up turned out to be mainly… animal food?

“It just looks like you’ve mostly picked up a bunch of pet food,” He pointed out.

“Exactly!” Ace smirked.

This caused everyone to sigh and shake their heads.

“That’s great and all Ace, but we really should get underway!” Twilight spoke up. “If we’re going to have any hope of finding our friend, we probably should get to it.”

“Alrighty then!” Ace replied. “We just need to stop back at my place quickly to drop all my stuff and we’ll be off!”

“Seriously?” Applejack groaned.

“Yes-siree!” Ace nodded.

Ace put the pedal to the metal and the car zoomed off down the road. They rode on for a good while till Ace finally pulled into the parking lot of a U-shaped looking apartment building. A rather crappy looking joint, but the place he calls ‘home’ all the same.

Ace, the girls, and Spike hopped out of the car and Ace quickly grabbed the groceries from the trunk. Inside an open apartment along the ground floor, the landlord. Mr. Shikadance, sat back watching T.V., stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace grabbed a nearby brush and snuck past the door with the others following close behind.

“Is that really necessary darling?” Rarity asked.

“You betcha,” Ace nodded quickly. “I owe Mr. Shikadance rent, but don’t have any money until I complete a case. As you may recall, I took my payment for the last case in… another form.”

“Yeah, we know,” Rainbow acknowledged. “We were sitting in the car most of the night while you collected said ‘reward’.”

They finally made it up to Ace’s apartment and the man himself was just putting the key in the door. Just then, the landlord stepped up behind them. Ace was startled by the dreaded ‘Shickadance Rasp’…

Not unlike Linda Blair in ‘The Exorcist’.

Oh, that is BULL****!!!

“Venturaaaaa?”

The girls and Spike nearly jumped out of their skin at the sound of low raspy voice. Ace straightened up but didn’t turn around.

“Yes, Satan?”

Now Ace turned around in mock surprise.

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir,” He apologized. “You sounded like someone else.”

“Never mind the wisecracks Venturaaa!” Mr. Shikadance growled. “You owe me rent!”

“Mr. Shickadance… I told you, you’re my first priority!” Ace assured him. “Check this out!”

Ace then procured a poster from his pocket, of which showed a missing pigeon.

“That’s a real albino pigeon,” Ace informed him. “Some rich guy lost it and he’s offering a $25,000 reward for it. As soon as I find the white pigeon, you’re paid!”

Mr. Shikadance squinted his eyes at Ace for a moment before turning his gaze to Spike and the girls, who all just waved awkwardly at him.

“Who are these kids, Ventura? You know as well as I that only one resident can live up in an apartment here.”

“Oh no need to worry another then sir,” Ace assured. “They’re just a few business associates of mine. They’re just here to help me with work and they’ll be heading out.”

Shikadance turned back toward the girls and Spike, who simultaneously nodded over Ace’s words.

“That’s right Mr. Shikadance, sir,” Twilight nodded. “Just helping Ace locate that lost pigeon.”

“I’m very good at tracking lost animals,” Fluttershy added. “I take care of many little critters back home.”

“She practically runs her own sanctuary you could say,” Pinkie pointed out. “Had to ask one of our fellow po—polite neighbors to take over her shift while she’s here.”

Shikadance then turned his attention toward Ace.

“I heard animals in there Ventura! I heard ‘em again this morning, scratchin’ around.”

“I never bring my work home with me, sir.”

The landlord took notice of the bags of kibble in his hands.

“Oh, yeah? What’s all this pet food for?”

“… Fiber,” Ace answered.

“Doctor’s orders,” Spike emphasized.

The look Mr. Shikadance gave Ace told him that this landlord certainly wasn’t buying any of their rubbish.

“You wanna take a look for yourself?” Ace asked. “Go ahead.”

Ace rattled his keys in the door, then swung it open and turned on the light. The whole apartment seemed clear enough, aside from being a slight messy. Ace walked in as the landlord stood there snooping about and sniffing the air.

“Well… are you satisfied?”

It was pretty clear Mr. Shikadance was still rather suspicious of his rather cooky tenet. But ultimately, he seemed satisfied… for now.

“Yeah, but don’t ever let me catch you with an animal in there, that’s all!” He warned.

“Okay then!” Ace grinned. “Take care now. ‘Bye ‘bye!”

Ace slammed the door right in the landlord’s face, to which the whole group cringed from the action.

“LLOOSER!” Ace spoke quietly.

“Wow, and I thought Cranky Doodle was a grumpy pants!” Pinkie frowned.

“No kidding!” Spike nodded.

“Thanks for covering for us Ace,” Twilight thanked. “How can we ever repay you?”

“No problem,” Ace responded. “And pay no attention to Shikadance, you can stay here until you find your missing friend if you’d like.”

“Thank you very much darling, that’s very kind of you,” Rarity thanked.

Course, her expression changed as she cringed over the sight of the rather messy complex.

“Though I say your home could stand a bit of tidying up.”

“Yeah well had I known I’d expect to have company today, I probably would’ve cleaned up a bit,” Ace responded. “Probably would’ve had time to bake a cake.”

“Ah take it from what yer landlord done said, y’all live here by yerself?” Applejack asked.

“… Not precisely,” Ace grinned again.

He then turned toward the room and gave a shrill whistle. At that very moment, animals of all shapes and size literally burst out from every direction. Lizards crawled from drawers, the birds took to the air, and every single one gravitated toward Ace. Among numerous other animals, the entire group consisted mainly of dogs, cats, birds, raccoons, and surprisingly even penguins.

“Come to me jungle friends!” Ace commanded his flock.

All the animals gathered around Ace, as the Mane Six and Spike watched in both absolute shock and amazement. More so than any of them, Fluttershy couldn’t help but admire the sight.

“Oh… my… Faust!” She smiled.

“Pretty cool huh?” Ace asked her.

Fluttershy merely nodded and knelt down alongside him. Soon enough, many of the animals gathered around her as well.

“Hello little friends,” She greeted them all. “Oh, this reminds me so much of my cottage back home in Equestria.”

The name caused Ace to face her with a trace of confusion.

“Equestria?” He asked. “Never heard of such a place before. Is it European?”

Fluttershy turned back toward her friends and they all looked back and forth toward one another before confirming with a set of nods. If they meant to stay with Ace and work with him to help recover one of their missing friends, a friend of which they barely knew, they may as well be completely honest with him. They all turned back toward him, ready to reveal a startling truth.

“Mr. Ventura…” Twilight began.

“Please… Mr. Ventura was my father’s name,” Ace smirked. “Call me ‘Ace’.”

“… Ace, there’s something you need to know about us,” Twilight told him. “Now, this might shock you a bit, so we need you to promise not to freak out.”

“I can do that,” Ace nodded.

“Oh no, no, no, no, no mister,” Pinkie shook her head. “You must do the ‘Pinkie Promise’. Now… do exactly as I do.”

Pinkie began the process of her signature promise. Soon as she finished, Ace mimicked the steps exactly as he saw them.

“’Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye’,” He recited.

The girls and Spike then lined up and joined hands as a bright light encased them all. When the light faded, they once more assumed their pony and dragon forms. As they opened their eyes, they noticed Ace staring at them with huge bug eyes.

“Well… I certainly didn’t expect that to happen today,” Ace spoke, in shock.

“Guess it’s not every day you see a bunch of colorful, talking ponies huh?” Rainbow asked.

“Same could be said for everyone we’ve met on our other adventures,” Pinkie giggled. “Granted most of them nearly screamed, fainted, almost ran away… or all of the above.”

It took a moment before Ace could finally find any words to speak.

“So you’re all from another world right?” He asked curiously.

“Ya got that right partner!” Applejack nodded.

“And you’re here to find this missing friend, that somehow ended up here… by accident?”

“Indeed!” Rarity nodded.

“I understand if this is all too much for you to take in right now,” Twilight assured calmly.

“Oh not at all!” Ace smiled. “Matter of fact, it makes perfect sense.”

This caused everyone to look at him in such utter confusion.

“Seriously?” They asked in unison.

“Not really no, but probably just easier to go with it,” Ace responded. “Though, that does explain why you all smelled like cake frosting and… pony sparkle.”

“… Fair enough,” Twilight nodded. “At least your taking this better than everyone else we’ve met.”

“Well, I don’t know if you really noticed but… I’m not like everyone else,” Ace said, gesturing all the animals around him. “My whole world is a zoo.”

“Yeah… we figured that out ourselves,” Spike chuckled.

<>

Meanwhile, at the Miami Dolphin Stadium, tensions were running at an all-time high. As a matter of fact, things were certainly going crazy. In the very imposing office of Bobby Riddle, owner of the Miami Dolphins, he was currently yelling at Roger Podacter, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and Melissa Robinson, Podacter’s attractive assistant.

“Roger let me ask you one thing!” Mr. Riddle yelled. “How the hell do you lose a 500 pound fish?!”

Melissa looked as though she were about to speak but hesitated to do so. Unfortunately, Mr. Riddle had taken quick notice.

“What?”

“It’s not a fish, sir,” Melissa spoke quietly. “It’s a mammal.”

“Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Jacque Cousteau!” Riddle responded sarcastically.

“Bob, she didn’t mean anything by it,” Roger spoke for her.

After a moment, Riddle calmed down enough t speak in a much more ‘hushed’ tone.

“Listen, personally, I don’t give a good god damn about a fish,” He spoke. “Fry it and fast food it for all I care. All I care about is winning this Super Bowl! I want the players’ heads in the right place.”

He then looked directly at Roger.

“Shit, Roger, you’ve been in this game long enough, you know how superstitious players are. Our quarterback’s been putting his socks on backwards since high school. And I got a lineman who hasn’t washed his jock in two years because he thinks flies are lucky!”

While he spoke, Roger quietly and swiftly hid his lucky rabbit’s foot chain away. Melissa notied this and couldn’t help but smirk.

“I want that god damn fish on the field Super Bowl Sunday!” Riddle said loudly. “FIND THE FISH OR FIND NEW JOBS!!!”

After the meeting ended, the two officials emerged out of the office. It was plain to see they were clearly stressed out over the whole ordeal.

“Why did it have to happen now?” Roger asked. “I got three stinking years left till retirement.”

“I’ve got forty,” Melissa retorted.

“I’ll tell you who did it!” Roger pointed out. “It was those goddamn animal rights nuts! Always out there with their goddamn signs, ‘ANIMALS WERE BORN FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE!’ That goddanm fish lives better than they do!”

They stopped outside Melissa’s office by her secretary’s desk.

“The police are checking into the animal rights people,” Melissa assured, before addressing her secretary. “Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?”

“No, but I wanted to tell you,” Martha replied. “When I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.”

“A what?” Roger asked confused.

“A ‘pet detective’,” Martha reiterated.

“Thanks Martha, but we’d better leave this to professionals,” Melissa responded.

“Well actually, he was quite good,” Martha told her. “Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.”

<>

Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rarity stood together by the side of the apartment building, once again in their human forms. All eyes were gazing toward the roof.

“ACE, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA?!” Twilight shouted.

“I AGREE ACE, DEAR!” Rarity shouted as well. “THIS REALLY DOESN’T SEEM SAFE…”

But Ace was barely listening to them. For you see, he and Fluttershy were currently conversing with the rare albino pigeon he was trying to catch. Ace was making little cooing noises while Fluttershy spoke with the little creature.

“Just please stay right there, Mr. Frost,” Fluttershy spoke gently. “We will get you back to your owner in no—”

But just as she and Ace were a mere 12 inches away, Ace suddenly leapt forward trying to grab the bird… but he succeeded in scaring it and Mr. Frost flew out of the way.

“ACE! NO!” Fluttershy shouted.

As for Ace, he slid down the roof screaming until he fell off the roof and landed ‘luckily’ in a pile of trash.

“OH, DEAR FAUST!” Spike yelled.

“That looked fun!” Pinkie cheered, clapping. “Can I try it?!”

“NO!!!” The group said in unison.

Fluttershy quickly came down the fire escape to join her friends. Much to her relief, Ace was okay… barely.

“Dude, are you okay?” Rainbow asked worriedly.

“That was a mighty nasty fall yah took thar,” Applejack added.

“Believe it or not… I’ve been worse…” Ace groaned.

Suddenly, a beeping sound drew everyone’s attention. Ace reached for his pager to check and see who messaged him.

“What’s that?” Spike asked. “What’s it say?”

Ace slowly got back up as he looked down at his pager then to them.

“Guys… we got a new case…”

<>

“PINKIE PIE, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET DOWN FROM THERE AND GET BACK IN THE CAR?!” Rarity shouted.

“Um… Ace?” Twilight spoke anxiously. “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Of course, Princess!” Ace replied unconcerned. “What could possibly go wrong?”

“Where do I begin?” Spike muttered.

“How you doing up there, Pinkster?!” Ace called, looking up the roof.

While Ace was driving the car and everyone else were buckled tightly inside, Pinkie Pie currently stood on her hind legs on the roof of the car. Apparently, she’s been pretending that she was riding a surfboard!

“WHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!” Pinkie cheered. “LIVIN’ THE DREAM, ACE! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY HIGHWAY SURFING! LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN WHEN SAM AND MAX DID IT!!!”

“Who?!” Rainbow asked, confused.

“Ooop… this is our destination!” Ace called out.

He soon placed a hand onto his mouth as though he were speaking through a walkie-talkie.

“Dear passengers, we are making our descent to Joe Robbie Stadium.”

The Equestrians looked at each other heavily confused.

“Please put your seat belts back on as we are about to begin our landing,” Ace instructed. “Thank you and have a nice day.”

“Ah well, guess I should return to my seat,” Pinkie declared.

And just like that, she slunk through the window like a slippery snake and sat back down… on Rarity’s lap.

“Come here often?” Pinkie smiled, jokingly.

Rolling her eyes, Rarity used her own magic to casually position Pinkie into her own empty seat and set her seatbelt around her waist. While doing so, Ace’s clunker entered the parking lot passing by some real nice cars. Every employee was practically staring at the car, while Pinkie Pie casually smiled and waved at all the befuddled workers.

“YeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEAAAAALOOOOAAAAA….” Ace sang.

“rrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllllCOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLAAAAAA!!!!” Pinkie sung back.

The car soon swerved and waved its way through the parking lot until Ace spotted an open spot next to, and by, a nearby tree. He turned the wheel so greatly that the car suddenly performed a 180 degree bootleg turn till it skid to a stop and parked right against the concrete bar next to the patched spot of land surrounding the tree.

The Equestrians, minus Pinkie Pie, looked very disheveled and were clawing anything they could after Ace’s parking job…

Like Neal and Del from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles are going through and in-between two semi-trucks.

… We really should consider covering that movie.

I haven’t made a full commitment on that yet…

“LLLLLLLLLike a glove!” Ace smiled victoriously.

As Ace got out of the car and strolled toward the stadium, the girls and Spike finally snapped out of their shock and eventually piled out of the car one at a time.

“… If that had been on purpose, that would’ve been totally cool…” Rainbow strained.

“I think Ace needs to get that power steering fixed,” Twilight groaned.

“Tell me about it,” Spike groaned. “My part of the seat’s so jammed all the way to the front, my entire left side’s asleep.”

“Ooh, I know how to fix that!” Pinkie raised a hand.

Quickly reaching into her hair, Pinkie Pie pulled out a mallet and angled it right by Spike’s left foot.

“Pinkie, I really don’t think that’s a good—”

*BAM!!!*

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Meanwhile, a stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scanned each one with a security detection wand.

“Art Wheeler, sporting supplies,” One man introduced himself.

The guard scanned him and off he went.

“Tom Anderson, concessions,” The next man said.

The guard scanned him next, and off he went.

“Ace Ventura, Pet Detective!” Ace smiled. “And guests!”

The guard stared at Ace, accusingly. But he left him through all the same. Behind him, the Equestrians in their human disguises followed the Pet Detective… while a muttering Spike limped steadily as his left foot seemed to pulse… from an unmentionable attempt to wake it.

<>

Inside Melissa’s office, Martha soon entered.

“Ah… Mr. Venture to see you,” Melissa informed.

“Okay, send him in,” Melissa acknowledged.

And as soon as Martha departed, Ace and company soon entered the office.

“Hi, I’m Melissa Robinson,” Melissa introduced. “Did you have any trouble getting in?”

“No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle,” Ace replied casually.

“Yeah… perhaps a little too gentle,” Rarity added uncomfortably.

“Super Bowl week,” Melissa spoke apologetically. “Security’s tight.”

“Ooh… Super Bowl,” The Equestrians nodded understandingly.

But it was plain to see the group could barely hide the confusion.

“I beg your pardon, Melissa was it,” Twilight spoke up. “We’re strangers in this area, and don’t know the sports around here. What precisely ‘is’ a Super Bowl?”

“It’s the annual playoff championship game of the National Football League,” Melissa explained. “It’s the final game for every NFL season since 1966. The winning teams are awarded the Vince Lombardi Trophy, in honor of the coach who won the first two Super Bowls. We won at least twice back in the seventies.”

“Now that sounds like a game I’d love to see while we’re here!” Rainbow smirked.

“But enough with the history lesson, I’ll get right to the point…” Melissa continued.

She casually slipped a tape in the VCR and gestured for Ace and company to sit. Soon footage of the subject in question was before their eyes. While the footage itself mainly showed empty stands, there was plenty of action happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins were practicing. Dan Marino, their star quarterback, was in top form, hitting pass after pass.

“Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night,” Melissa explained. “Are you familiar with ‘Snowflake’?”

The tape showed additional footage, where behind one of the goal posts, the team’s mascot, a rare dolphin (Snowflake), wearing #4, was practicing his routine. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouted signals.

“Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!”

Snowflake swum over, snatching a small football out of the trainer’s hand, then swam the length of the pool, performed the endzone dance on his tail, and then returned the ball to the trainer.

“We’re not quite familiar with this sport or the mascot,” Applejack replied honestly. “But that there’s one mighty fine fish!”

“Mammal, actually…” Fluttershy corrected. “It’s a common mistake.”

“Just don’t ever let Mr. Finn Tastic hear you make that mistake,” Pinkie remarked. “Or, we’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Anyways… we got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium,” Melissa explained off-screen. “He’s a rare bottlenose Dolphin. That’s the new trick he was going to do during the half-time show.”

The trainer now set the ball on the dolphin’s tail and Snowflake ‘kicked’ a perfect field goal. The trainer blew a whistle and raised both arms.

While Ace studied the tape, he chewed sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.

“Would you like an ashtray?” Melissa offered.

“No, I don’t smoke,” Ash replied, adding more shells to the pile.

“Very bad for your health,” Pinkie added, blowing bubbles out of a pipe.

“… Gee I wish I was told that ‘years’ ago,” Spike remarked, in annoyance.

Poor Melissa was already wondering if she made a mistake hiring this group. The ‘Detective’ was clearly a lunatic, and his associates were more… stranger than appearances perceived.

“To be honest, Mr. Ventura. I’m pretty skeptical. Before today, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a pet detective.”

“That makes ‘two’ of us darling,” Rarity replied.

“Well, now that you do, you’ll know who to call if your Schnauzer ever runs away,” Ace replied optimistically.

“How did you know I have a Schnauzer?”

Ace pulled an invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off her blouse and presented it to her.

“He’s young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles…” Ace observed, sniffing the hair. “… Likes to chase cars.”

“Whoa…” The group gasped.

“Very impressive,” Melissa nodded.

“You should see what I can do with a good ‘stool’ sample.”

Rarity’s face turned to horror imagining the thought, she held a hand over her mouth as if something inside was threatening to come out. Applejack leaned Rarity onto her shoulder, patting her gently.

“Yeah… let’s ‘not’ find out,” Rainbow shook her head, gulping.

“Look, we’ve got a problem,” Melissa informed. “Can you help me or not?”

“Well, sea faring creatures aren’t really my expertise…” Ace replied coyly.

“We’ll give you three thousand dollars on delivery.

“THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!” The girls and Spike shouted.

“With all that money, I could retire and never do a lick of work ever again!” Spike replied, nodding his head.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Spike,” Twilight smirked.

Ace immediately became the narrator of a nature show

“The dolphin is a social creature. Capable of complex communication. Traveling in large groups or schools…”

“Mrs. Melissa, consider us on the case!” Twilight declared.

<>

A short time later…

The Dolphin players are practicing out on the playing field. A crowd of reporters were interviewing their top quarterback, Mr. Dan Marino himself.

(Grins widely) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

Oh no… he’s been fanboying since meeting him at the ‘Dan Marino Foundation’ dinner with the Mayor…

(Grins widely) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…

“We just choked in 82,” Dan Marino informed. “We had a chance to win it and we didn’t. Nobody’s gonna choke this time, and if they do, I’ll kill ‘em.”

Ace, the Equestrians, and Melissa made way for the snowflake’s tank.

“The police were here this morning,” Melissa informed. “Apparently, the kidnappers used the back gate.”

Ace bent down to look over some tire tracks on the field.

“They said some kind of a—”

“Four while drive fan…” Ace observed. “Loaded from the rear.”

Ace proceeded to sniff the turf, while the Equestrians stood awkwardly not knowing what to make of his antics. Podacter entered nervously.

“Oh, hi, Roger,” Melissa greeted. “How are you holding up?”

“Well if it looks like I’m walking funny it’s because I have a bunch of reporters up my ass!” Podacter complained. “They’ve been asking me about Snowflake all day. Who’s this?”

“Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. Ace is our pet detective… and the kids are his crew.”

“Sup!” Rainbow greeted.

“Howdy!” Applejack tipped her hat.

“Salutations!” Rarity curtseyed.

Podacter proceeded to shake hands with each of the members.

“Nice to meet you,” Podacter replied. “Martha Metz recommended you very highly.”

“Martha Metz?” Ace spoke. “Martha Metz. Oh yeah, the bitch.”

“What?” Podacter spoke aghast.

“Ace?!” Twilight gasped. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Podacter. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it—”

“Pekinese!” Ace continued. “Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her. Is that the tank?”

The two followed Ace as he made a B-line for Snowflake’s tank, the rest of the Equestrians followed after.

<>

Moments later…

They all stood before the now empty tank, formerly the home of one Snowflake the Dolphin.

“Cops drain it?” Ace questioned.

“Yes,” Melissa nodded. “This morning.”

Ace soon hopped onto the ladder.

“What on Earth are ya doin’ now?” Applejack asked.

“If I’m not back in five minutes… call Lloyd Bridges!” Ace called out.

“Hey wait for me!” Pinkie called out. “I want to do the Scooby Doo thing too!”

Before any of the Equestrians could raise an objection, Pinkie Pie scurried into the tank following the eccentric ‘Pet Detective’ inside the tank. The rest of the group just stood there, completely flabbergasted.

“If this is the process of finding a Dolphin, our friend is doomed…” Rainbow groaned.

“Well, not unless…” Rarity pondered, then regretted it. “Yeah… he’s doomed…”

<>

Few more moments later…

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examined the tank while Pinkie sniffed around the bottom floor like a search dog. Then wearing some funny goggles, Pinkie zoomed the specs upon some scratches where the hand banged against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, Ace sung a bastardized version of the ‘Flipper’ theme while Pinkie merrily hummed along.

“… Wonderful Flipper… glorious Flipper… magnificent Flipper… the flippiest Flipper…”

“Oh, I ‘know’ we’d have so much fun doing that movie…” Pinkie replied. “Who doesn’t love Elijah Wood when it comes to movies?”

The Equestrians, Podacter, and Melissa watched from the rim, all looking at each other.

“What have we gotten ourselves into?” Rainbow asked aloud. “Someone had to say it…”

Just then Podactor spotted something.

“Oh, great!”

A hoard of reports were heading their way toward the tank, and the Equestrians’ friends were still in the tank.

“Oh my… we can’t let them catch our friends like this!” Fluttershy spoke worriedly.

“I’ll try to head them off!” Podacter continued.

“Get out of the tank!” Melissa called out.

“The paparazzi’s coming!” Rainbow hissed. “You want another Gabby Gums incident?!”

“… Can’t here you Flipper, Flipper…” Ace kept singing. “Lookin’ for Flipper, gotta find Flipper…”

“Look around your world, pretty baby is it everything you hoped it’d be?” Pinkie sung. “The wrong guy, the wrong situation, the right to roll to me…”

“Pinkie Pie, please get out of the tank!” Twilight begged desperately. “… Now!”

As the reporters drew closer, Podactor headed them off.

“So where’s Snowflake?” One reporter asked.

“Ah… Snowflake is just, ah, not available right now,” Podacter responded nervously.

“Come on, I’m supposed to get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.”

“What? Is he sick?” A second reporter asked.

Soon other reporters chimed in, asking so many questions. ‘Did something happen to Snowflake?!’ and ‘What’re you hiding…?!’, among a million other questions. Melissa and Podacter clearly didn’t know what to say. Then, a strange voice was heard.

“How cun I be getting zis vork dun mit all da shouting?!” Ace shouted, with a german accent.

“Control de shouting!” Pinkie Pie spoke, in an accent.

“Who the hell are they?” One report asked.

“That? Those are us…” Melissa thought nervously.

Then all of a sudden, Ace and Pinkie burst from the top of the tank.

“Heinz Kissvelvet!” Ace introduced. “I am trainer of dolphins.”

“Christina Gisela!” Pinkie spoke, wearing funny glasses. “Assistant to Heinz. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to us!”

“What happened to the ‘regular’ trainer?” A reporter asked.

“Vat happened to him? Vat happened to us?! Seven years we was wit Siegfried!”

Ace held up only four fingers, which Pinkie helped by holding up three fingers.

“Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger and ze shtuffing in de pands und den I’m gone!” Ace continued.

“Where is Snowflake?” The Reporter asked skeptically.

“Vy do you care about Snowflake?” Pinkie asked suspiciously. “Do you know him? Does he call you at home? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN?!?!”

“To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin!” Ace explained. “You must be getting oonside ze dolphin’s head! Just yesterday, I’m asking Snowflake… ‘Akay!... Akay, Akay, Akay?’ und he said…”

Ace proceeded to point to Pinkie Pie.

“Akay! Akay!” Pinkie imitated the Dolphin.

“Und he is up on ze tail…” Ace continued.

“EEEEEEEEEE!!!” Ace and Pinkie squeaked, while up on their toes.

“Und you can quote him!” Ace concluded, as he & Pinkie spit.

… I don’t know if I should be ‘amused’… or ‘offended’.

“Gentlemen, please,” Podacter jumped in. “Coach Shula’s press conference is just about to begin. Why don’t I take you over there and let, ah, Heinz…”

“Und Gisella…” Pinkie raised a finger.

“And Gisella… do their job,” Podacter concluded, ushering the press away.

“Go to ze conference!” Ace shooed the reporters.

“Go to it!” Pinkie waved her hands. “Shoo! Shoo!”

“Are you finished, Heinz?” Melissa asked.

“Not yet!” Ace replied.

“BRB!” Pinkie smiled.

Ace and Pinkie proceed to work toward the filter just outside the tank. Opening the tank, they proceeded to pour out its contents – mainly leaves and some small twigs and assortment of gunk. The Equestrians looked anxiously as Ace and Pinkie rooted through it.

“Hey, look at this!” Pinkie pointed.

Pinkie Pie soon noticed a very tiny amber stone. Picking it up with her fingers, she eyed it closely as it gleamed off her gaze.

“Pretty…” Pinkie sighed, passing the stone to Ace.

“Pinkie, my dear!” Ace smiled. “Saddle up your friends! We’re finished!”

Lois Einhorn

Later that very same day, following their little excursion to the Miami Dolphins Stadium, Ace Ventura and the Equestrian Heroes found themselves in his car driving down the highway. Shortly after Ace uncovered his little clue in Snowflake’s tank, he wouldn’t tell the others ‘what’ it was or ‘why’ it was so important in the first place. ‘Why’ that was… they weren’t sure.

“So… Ace,” Spike spoke, from the back. “Whywon’t you tell us what it is that you found?”

“It’s on a ‘need to know’ basis,” Ace responded.

“Well, we ‘are’ your partners in this whole thing,” Rainbow snarked. “I’m pretty sure we fall under the ‘need to know’ part!”

“Where are we even going anyway?” Rarity asked.

“You said you wanted to head over to the police department, didn’t you?” Ace replied, with a smirk.

“And we’re only doin’ that now because…?” Applejack asked.

“I have my reasons.”

Eventually, Ace pulled right up to the police station and skidded the car to a stop in one of the parking spaces (Much to Spike and the girls’ shock). Pushing through the front door of the facility, Ace confidently strolled into the precinct with his companions following behind him. As they walked, the girls (And Spike) could hear a few cops snickering and making comments.

“Lassie must be missing,” One cop joked to another.

“My, how rude!” Rarity whispered.

“Don’t worry about it Rarity,” Twilight whispered back. “Let’s just get the information on Snowflake, ask about Phantom Dragon, and we’ll be underway.”

“I do hope we find him,” Fluttershy spoke worriedly. “I can’t stand the thought of him out there, all alone and afraid. He must be so worried.”

“When you say ‘him’, do you mean Phantom-Dragon… or Snowflake?” Spike asked curiously.

“… Both.”

“Ahh don’t worry Flutter Butter!” Pinkie replied, placing an arm around her friend. “We’ll find them, or my name isn’t ‘Pinkamena Diane Windowshade Cabrera Chesterfield Pie’.”

“… You never told us that was your full name,” Rainbow pointed out.

“I did now…”

As they walked, an older-looking rotund cop, Aquado by name and one who rather dislikes Ace, stepped up behind them.

“Hey, Ventura!” He called out. “Make any good collars lately?”

“Or were they leashes?” Another cop joked.

The police officers all burst out laughing over the joke they made at Ace’s expense. Spike and the girls just rolled their eyes and shook their heads. As for Ace, he just gave his own sarcastic laugh as Aguado potted a bug upon the group. The big man abruptly stepped on the bug, much to Fluttershy’s dismay.

“Homicide, Ventura!” He mocked toward Ace. “How you gonna solve this one?!”

While all the cops kept laughing, Fluttershy quickly raced forward and knelt before the squashed bug. True, it was a small insect and no doubt there were millions of these species. But still… it hurt her immensely to witness a little creature harmed in such a way.

Meanwhile, Ace turned back toward Aguado after sarcastically laughing.

“Good question, Aguado,” He responded. “First, I’d establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug’s dick and became insanely jealous.”

The other cops reacted with shock, along with Spike and the other Equestria girls.

“Then I’d lose thirty pounds… porking his wife!”

“Oooh!!!” The girls and Spike leaned back.

Aguado, suddenly losing it, swung a fist toward Ace. However, at lightning speed, Fluttershy jumped up and grabbed Aguado’s arm. She proceeded to twist it behind his back, with Aguado cringing his pain. She forced his face toward the ground where the dead bug laid before him.

“How dare you hurt an innocent little bug like that?!” She spoke loudly and angrily. “It was a harmless little creature that did absolutely nothing to you!”

“I wholeheartedly agree!” Ace nodded. “Now kiss and make up!”

That’s when the others felt it was time to intervene as they came up and quickly pulled Fluttershy off of Aguado.

“Alrighty Fluttershy, y’all done made yer point,” Applejack told her.

“But he just…”

“We saw what happened,” Rainbow interrupted Fluttershy. “We know you love all kinds of animals, but we need you to remember the task at hand. We can’t find Phantom or Snowflake if we’re in jail.”

Eventually, Fluttershy calmed down and Ace led them all away while Aguado picked himself back to his feet. Eventually, they approached the desk of Emilio Echavez, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace, with a silly impish expression on his face, turned toward the others.

“If you’ll give me a moment, there’s something I gotta do!” He spoke devilishly.

“What are you doing Ace?” Twilight asked suspiciously.

Ace gave no answer as he crept behind Emilio and, for some odd and no apparent reason… he turned and grabbed hold of his rear to make it look like it was talking.

“Excuse me!” He spoke deeply. “I’d like to ass you a few questions!”

Rainbow, Spike, and Pinkie tried so hard to contain their laughter over the humor, while Rarity was rather appalled by such a display. As for Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack, they merely turned away out of embarrassment (Applejack tipping her hat over her eyes). Emilio turned back and rolled his eyes over his friend’s antics.

“It’s not a good time, Ace,” He spoke. “If Einhorn sees me talking to you, or your ass, I’m gonna be history!”

“I think I can keep him under control,” Ace reassured. “But you’ll have to tell me who’s working the Snowflake case.”

“Hey man, I can’t say anything. My hands are tied.”

Not liking the answer he received, Ace turned back around… right back to ‘Mr. Ass’.

Billy Gunn?

NO… Not ‘that’ one!!!

“Alright, that’s it; now it’s my turn,” Ace/Mr. Ass spoke. “Five minutes along, that’s all I need.”

“Alright Ace, you’ve made your point,” Twilight sighed.

Just then, a cop approached Emilio’s desk with a hint of fear upon his face.

“Look alive, Einhorn’s on her way down.”

This caused Emilio to grow concerned as well as Spike and the girls tried to convince Ace to quit his antics.

“Seriously Ace, this is quite immature!” Rarity said.

“What’s wrong Rarity?” Ace/Mr. Ass spoke. “Afraid I’ll make a stink?”

Rarity quickly backed away with her jaw dropped in disgust, as Ace kept trying to get information out of Emilio. Until at last, he finally relented.

“Alright, Aguado is working the case man,” Emilio sighed in defeat.

“Aguado?” Ace spoke, with an eye roll. “Good call.”

“That guy is such a poor excuse for a cop,” Rainbow chuckled. “He’s pimple juice; the poster child for lead paint chip eaters.”

It was then Emilio first actually took notice of the group of teenagers.

“And… who are these kids exactly?” He asked Ace.

“My new assistants,” Ace responded simply. “They’ve agreed to help me work the case.”

Emilio turned back toward the group, who all nodded their heads in agreement.

“That’s true Mr. Emilio, sir!” Twilight agreed. “We’re here to help Ace any way we can in finding the missing dolphin.”

“But y’all are kids!” Emilio said skeptically.

“We may not look like much sir,” Fluttershy spoke. “But I happen to have a knack for finding animals.”

“And Applejack over there is quite the expert at herding animals,” Spike added.

“It’s true!” Applejack nodded.

“So if there’s anything you can tell us about the case, we’d be super-duper happy and very appreciative,” Pinkie smiled. “I’ll even bake you a cake!”

“I’m sorry to tell you, but we don’t exactly have a whole lot of information,” Emilio responded. “We’re a little busy with murderers, robberies, and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn’t exactly a high priority.”

“What you’re saying is… you ‘have’ the information, but you can’t tell us,” Rainbow emphasized, staring daggers. “Or you won’t… we can play hardball too, you know?”

The elevator was getting closer and the fear in Emilio’s gaze only increased by the second.

“Ace, gimmie a break will ya?” Emilio begged.

Meanwhile, Ace nonchalantly sat back in a chair, popping a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracked it loudly.

“Tick tock Senor Emilio,” Pinkie clicked her tongue.

“Okay, okay!” Emilio answered quickly. “We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we’re running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.

“Any unusual bets being made?” Ace questioned.

“Ace, it’s the Super Bowl, of course there’s bets being made.”

I can vouch for that one…

“What’d you find out about the tank?” Ace questioned further.

“Nothing weird,” Emilio answered. “Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn’t see anything.”

“That’s it?” Applejack asked, raising a brow. “Are ya sure?”

“That’s it!” Emilio answered nervously. “I swear. Now Ace, please go away!”

“You know something?” Ace asked impishly. “YOU’RE NICE!”

Ace got up and left the room, as the Equestrians watched. Just as Emilio sighed with relief, Ace popped back in.

“What about crazy Philly fans?” Ace asked.

*DING!*

The elevator bell rang. Out stepped police lieutenant Lois Einhorn, mid-30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs… and a bad attitude.

“Holy Testicle Tuesday!” Ace shouted.

“Dude!” Spike shouted, staring at Ace. “Was that really necessary?”

“What the hell is he doing here?” Einhorn asked Emilio.

“I came to confess,” Ace replied humorously. “I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.”

“… I don’t get it,” Twilight spoke.

“Spare me the routine, Ventura,” Einhorn rolled her eyes, annoyed. “I know you’re working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We’ll find the porpoise.”

“Wheww… now I feel better!” Ace replied, with mock relief.

Ace turned to go when Pinkie Pie looked up at the ceiling, smiled mischievously, and raised her fingers.

“Three… two… one…” Pinkie counted, pointing at Ace.

“Of course, that might not do any good,” Ace continued. “You see, nobody’s missing a porpoise. It’s a ‘dolphin’ that’s been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin.”

“The Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage,” Fluttershy added, then turned away. “But… I’m sure you already knew that.”

Fluttershy again hid her face behind her hair, a piece of which she fidgeted between her fingers. Ace, meanwhile, turned toward Fluttershy with a look that screams ‘Alrighty then’…

“That’s what turns me on about you,” Ace replied. “Your attention to detail.”

*Growls* Watch it, buddy…

Einhorn leaned closer until everyone could see the heated scowl upon her face. If looks could kill, Ace would ‘surely’ be six feet under by now.

“Listen, pet dick!” She growled. “How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?”

“Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship Lois but thank you for asking,” Ace smirked. “Hey… maybe I’ll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!”

Einhorn huffed and was about to leave when Twilight Sparkle quickly stopped her.

“Excuse me, Lieutenant Einhorn ma’am,” She interrupted.

“What do you want?!” Einhorn practically spat in response.

“Um well, you see… it’s about our friend. He’s currently missing and we…”

“If you want to file a missing person’s report, talk to internal affairs,” Einhorn responded.

“That’s the problem ma’am, he kind of went missing… outside of this area.”

“Then unfortunately, there isn’t anything I can do about that,” Einhorn spoke, walking away again. “Now if you’ll excuse me—”

“Oh please Miss Einhorn!” Rarity begged. “We need to find him; we can’t go back home without him. At the very least, could you tell us if you hear anything about him? His name is Phantom Dragon.”

All of a sudden, Einhorn froze in her tracks as she slowly turned back around.

“Well… I suppose I can have my men keep an eye out,” She answered. “However, I won’t make any promises. This is a big city, after all… people go missing every day.”

“I understand, we just hope that…”

“I said we’ll do what we can!” Einhorn spoke loudly. “Now please leave the precinct immediately… or else!”

She quickly turned heel and made her way out of the area as quickly as possible. With that, Ace departed from the room with the Mane Six and Spike following behind. They emerged from the precinct and piled back into the car one-by-one. With the police unable, and also unwilling to lend a hand in finding Snowflake or Phantom Dragon, they realized they needed a new course of action.

“What do we do now?” Rainbow asked. “Those bonehead cops aren’t going to do buck at all to help us!”

“Rainbow, language!” Rarity scolded.

Rainbow merely brushed her off and huffed in annoyance.

“Ah know one thing fer sure,” Applejack told them. “That there Einhorn sure knows something ‘bout this whole humdinger.”

“Are you sure?” Twilight asked.

“Course ah am. When we was askin’ her ‘bout Phantom Dragon or Snowflake, ya could see she was clearly trying tah hide something.”

“She certainly did seem on edge,” Spike agreed. “Even I could tell she was doing everything possible just to avoid the question.”

“Well don’t you all worry nothing,” Ace smiled. “Because I still have a few Aces up my sleeve.”

He proceeded to reach right up his sleeve and pulled out a few pictures of himself as a joke. Pinkie Pie was the only one who really seemed to enjoy the joke as she laughed.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” She laughed. “That is so funny!”

“But seriously, do you have ‘another’ plan?” Twilight asked, straight to the point.

“Of course I do!” Ace nodded. “We gotta go see a buddy of mine. He knows any and ‘all’ things related to finding animals. Buckle up!”

The remainder of the group wasted no time in buckling themselves up as Ace floored the gas pedal and peeled right down the highway en route towards their new lead in this case.

<>

Later that night, the gang pulled up before a wild thrasher club and walked inside. An incredible thrash band was on stage cranking, as a whole bunch of kids jumped wildly into the mosh pit. Everyone walked inside and saw a burnout at the bar, whose head circled insanely to the music.

“Well this is definitely not where I expected we’d end up,” Twilight spoke truthfully, looking around.

“Oh yeah, now this is my kind of place!” Rainbow said excitedly. “Crank up the jams bro!”

Ace proceeded to approach the guy thrashing his head around wildly.

“Excuse me?!” He shouted. “Is Greg here?!”

The burnout’s head thrashed on with the guy having no acknowledgement of Ace.

“Thank you!” Ace shouted again.

Ace made way for the basement stairs with everyone else following closely behind him. As they walked, Spike stopped abruptly as he felt a shooting pain in his head. He quickly clutched his head and started to stumble. Twilight quickly rushed up to check if he was alright.

“Spike, what’s wrong?!” Twilight asked in concern. “You alright?”

“Ahh—it’s—it’s nothing,” He replied shakily. “Whoa… yeah, I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not,” Twilight responded. “I can tell those headaches of yours are getting worse!”

“Don’t worry Twilight,” Spike responded, holding his head. “The music’s just too loud. Just gimme a minute and I’ll be alright. I promise.”

Twilight Sparkle, while certain Spike was just covering up as he always did, nodded her approval, and waited for Spike to catch his bearings. Eventually, the headache slowly started to recede… but then something really weird happened. All at once, Spike started hearing… ‘voices’ inside his own head.

You don’t need her!
You’re stronger than her!
Burn her to a crisp!
Fry her!

Spike merely shook his head quickly until the voices quickly went away. Once he was calm, he turned back toward Twilight.

“Are you alright now?” She asked.

“Uh—y-yeah, all good,” Spike responded, with a small smile. “C’mon… we’re wasting time.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes for a moment before turning around, following the rest of the group to the basement. Spike soon followed after while clutching his head. Ace descended toward the stairs until he stopped upon a large steel door. Ace banged on it three times and a voice was heard from inside.

“What’s the password?!”

“New England Clam Chowder!” Ace responded.

“Is that the red or the white?”

“Ugh!” Ace groaned. “I can never remember that part!”

“White!” Pinkie answered enthusiastically.

The door started to slide open as Ace and the others faced Pinkie with surprise.

“How did you know that was the password?” Rarity asked.

“I didn’t!” Pinkie responded, smiling.

With a shrug, Pinkie skipped along inside while everyone stared after her for the longest moment. But eventually they followed her inside, not even bothering to reward that with further questions. Inside the room it resembled some giant lab of some sorts with Green Peace ‘Save the Whales’ posters abound. Greg a.k.a. Woodstock, a laid back, ex-hippie with long gray hair, sat upon a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.

*Thud*

A thud above drew Pinkie Pie to look above. Part of the ceiling was made of metal grating, so one could see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy’s face got smashed into the grate. In which case, it was the burnout from the club.

“Aw… poor man must’ve partied himself too hard,” Pinkie shook her head.

“Hey Woodstock!” Ace greeted.

“Hey! St. Francis! How’s it goin?” Woodstock responded.

“Super and thank you for asking. Hope you’re having a nice day.”

“Do you?”

“Don’t I?”

Woodstock soon took notice of the rest of the group.

“Who’s the rest of these little birdies?”

“We’re new colleagues of Ace,” Twilight responded. “We’re helping him find the missing dolphin.”

“Well ain’t that great?” Woodstock responded, joyfully. “Nice to see kids taking an interest in helping the animals. Not like those damn spring breakers that come here and pollute our ecosystem.”

“And… what are you up to, Mr. Woodstock sir?” Fluttershy asked curiously.

“Just watching the fishies, little bird,” Woodstock responded.

*BLIP!*

A sound from the computer screen drew Woodstock to roll his chair over to observe. He gestured for Fluttershy and the others to come over, which they did. It showed a map with several ships on the ocean. He quickly tapped in some commands and the ships started sailing in all directions.

“You see those blips?” Woodstock asked.

“I certainly do,” Fluttershy nodded.

“That’s a Norwegian whaling fleet. I’m sending them new directional coordinates… they’ll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.”

“Groovy!” Ace smirked.

“Jimmy… Hoffa?” Spike asked curiously.

“Some labor union leader who served as president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters,” Pinkie answered. “Disappeared back in the seventies and was declared legally dead by 1982. He was believed to have been murdered by the Mafia… but that part remains up for debate.”

The rest of the group turned toward Pinkie Pie in confusion, but as usual refused to reward that with any further questions.

“It’s a wonderful thing you’re doing,” Fluttershy smiled. “Helping those poor whales and all.”

“I certainly try my best.”

“Hey, would you mind If I try something Woodstock?” Rainbow requested.

“Go ahead,” Woodstock gestured.

Rainbow Dash approached another monitor. More computer graphics popped up on the screen, as Rainbow rapidly tapped the keys.

“What’re you doing?” Twilight asked suspiciously.

“Changing the formula for this ‘Purina’s Puppy Chow’ thing,” Rainbow replied, facing Applejack. “Too much filler, you know what I mean?”

“I’m very attracted to ya right now,” Applejack smiled.

“Are you?”

“Ain’t I?”

“Get a room, you two…” Spike shook his head.

“Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply stores in the area?” Ace asked.

“Of course I can,” Woodstock replied. “Why?”

“I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin with the past few months…”

“C’mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…”

Woodstock started hacking away as large lists started popping up along the screens.

“Okay then, try to remember the sixties!” Ace suggested.

“Wow! Good one!” Woodstock smirked. “Let’s see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank…”

They all kept looking through the screens, seeking anything that might be a possible clue. All of a sudden, after a few moments, something caught Woodstock’s eye.

“That’s it!” Woodstock pointed. “I fund the culprit.”

“Who is it?” Fluttershy asked curiously.

“… Sea World,” Woodstock answered dramatically.

“… Really?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

“Hang on, hang on…” Woodstock tapped a couple keys. “Well, what do we have here? That’s a lot of equipment for a civilian.”

The printer spat out some data and Woodstock ripped off the page, handing it to Ace.

“Ronald Camp? The billionaire?” Ace questioned.

“Billionaire and rare fish collector,” Woodstock nodded.

“RRREHEHEALLY!” Ace smirked.

“I’m guessing you’re not a fan of this Mr. Camp?” Rarity pointed out.

“You got that right missy,” Woodstock nodded. “That, my friend, is the face of the enemy. Always tryin’ to get his hands on endangered species…”

“How terrible!” Fluttershy gasped.

Newspaper articles rapidly fill the screen. One showed a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

“Hold on, this guy’s connected with the Dolphins?” Twilight observed.

“Camp donated the land the new stadium’s built on,” Woodstock informed. “And look at this, he’s throwin’ another, ‘I’m the richest man in the universe’ party.”

Ace and the rest of the group faced each other as it has become apparent that they just found themselves a new lead on the case.

“Well, that’s certainly something worth looking into at the very least,” Twilight told them.

“I completely agree Twilight,” Ace nodded. “Looks like we’re partying tonight ladies and gentleman.”

“You had me at party!” Pinkie squealed with delight. “Ooh! One of us should remember to buy some chips and dip!”

“I hate it to break it to you Ace darling,” Rarity pointed out. “But if you really think about it, this man has a great deal of money and I’m certain he only throws the most riveting parties for the elite. How do you propose we get in?”

Ace thought about the question, as a smile spread across his face.

“Hmm… looks like it’s time to get myself a date.”

Chaos at Camps House

Author's Note

A big thanks to our #1 dress designer, cheerful09, for the amazing works of art at the beginning of this chapter. And as always to my amazing editor Dramamaster829 for his amazing work. And to all the quotes used in this story, thank you those who wrote them

Chaos at Camps House

The night of Ronald Camp’s party arrived; it was sure to be the height of class and sophistication. It’s a magnificent home indeed, with an extremely formal party in progress. People arrived from all around just to attend the grand event, dressed in the finest attire and driving the most luxurious vehicles. Twenty to thirty people were having champagne, caviar, and hot air. One such person in particular was famed Miami Dolphin quarterback, Dan Marino, who was just telling folks about the upcoming Super Bowl game as they sat together.

“We just choked in 82,” He explained. “We had a chance to win, and we didn’t. But nobody’s gonna choke this time; if they do, I’ll kill ‘em!”

This caused everyone to laugh, while everyone else entered the mansion.

Meanwhile, another group of individuals made their way into the party. The first of the group were the Mane Six and Spike themselves. Thanks to Rarity, they were all once more dressed in amazing dresses and a tuxedo.

Behind them Ace Ventura and Melissa Robinson followed behind, the latter reluctantly agreeing to accompany them for this event. Ace wore a white ivory suit jacket and black pants while Melissa wore a simple low cut black dress. As the group made their way towards the party, they all couldn’t help but marvel at the sight of Camp’s home.

“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity marveled. “What a lovely mansion. If we weren’t here to investigate Mr. Camp’s involvement in the missing dolphin, I’d ask him for the number of his contractor.”

“Take it easy, Home Improvement,” Rainbow jested. “We’re here to work, not stare.”

“Well, I don’t understand why we can’t do both!”

“Ooh, I bet Mr. Camp has loads of super-duper fun parties in a place this big!” Pinkie smiled widely. “But I’m sure if he puts up a bunch of streamers, party balloons, and hires a wicked D.J., maybe it can be close to the parties I’d throw.”

“Ah’m pretty sure this here Camp feller don’t throw them kinda parties Pinkie,” Applejack told her.

Pinkie proceeded to gasp rather loudly, and dramatically, in shock at what her country friend told her.

“No streamers?!” She gasped. “No balloons?! No D.J.?! No cake and ice cream?! I don’t even want to begin to think about that!”

“Who else but Pinkie Pie?!” Spike shrugged.

Ace and Melissa climbed the impressive stairway leading to Camp’s mansion behind the Mane Six and Spike.

“Again Melissa, I want to thank you for coming on short notice,” Twilight thanks her.

“I’m really going out on a limb here, Twilight,” Melissa retorted. “Camp’s social events are strictly A-list.”

“’Well, Chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up’,” Ace quoted ‘Love Connection’.

Love Connection?

A T.V. dating show that ran for eleven seasons starting in the 80s.

Oh…

Anyways… Melissa rolled her eyes, then tapped a huge door knocker before turning back toward Ace.

“I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp…”

“You mean like this?”

Ace started doing a spastic body convulsion, making all sorts of weird noises, much to the annoyance of Melissa and a majority of the girls.

“Honestly Ace, would it kill you to show some class and sophistication?” Rarity groaned.

“Aww come on Ms. Grumpy Pants,” Pinkie spoke, placing an arm around her friend’s shoulder. “Have a little fun in your life.”

Just then, a bald-headed butler, resembled Gavin McCloud, opened the door. Ace doesn’t notice till Melissa struck him with her purse.

“Owwe!!!” Ace screamed.

It was then Ace saw the butler and still proceeded to act like a total goof.

“Oh, hi Captain Stubing,” He spoke jokingly.

Melissa just stormed in, already pissed with the rest of the Mane Six and Spike, who were rather annoyed, following behind. As the group entered, they gazed in amazement over the house’s interior. Hundreds of patrons filled the room, all conversing and enjoying the festivities. Meanwhile, Camp himself noticed the group entering and immediately greeting them.

“Melissa!” Camp greeted, kissing her hand. “Glad you could make it! Oh, and who are your companions for this evening?”

Melissa faced the group and first decided to introduce them, since she wasn’t ashamed of being seen with them.

“Ron, these are my friends Twilight, Rainbow, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Spike,” She introduced.

“My what exquisite names,” Ron smiled, shaking each hand individually. “I am glad to meet you all and I hope you enjoy tonight.”

“Thank you very much Mr. Camp,” Twilight responded gratefully.

Melissa turned to Ace, albeit more reluctantly.

“This is my date,” She said hesitantly. “He’s a… lawyer.”

“Well, does he have a name, or should I call him ‘Lawyer’?” Camp asked.

Ace couldn’t help but laugh, as did Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. This caused a few flares to fly their way from Melissa and the rest of the group.

“Oh come on, that was a good one!” Rainbow shrugged.

“I’m sorry, it’s Ace – ah, Tom Ace,” Melissa stammered

Ace, very unimpressed with her lying ability, quickly jumped in.

“Tom Ace,” He introduced himself, shaking Camp’s hand. “Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific.”

“Ah, well, thank you,” Camp responded awkwardly.

“I was just telling Melissa that one of the first lessons we learned at Standford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law firm with little else.”

Ace proceeded to laugh casually causing the others to laugh as well, though much more awkwardly.

“How is everyone feeling tonight?”

“Very well, thank you,” Camp responded nervously. “Please, come in.”

Ace boldly proceeded to lead Melissa away over to the hors d’oeuvre table. This left the Mane Six, Spike, and Camp standing there with awkward expressions over their faces.

“Oooookay… that was weird,” Rainbow remarked.

“No kidding!” Applejack agreed.

“I do apologize for our friend, Mr. Camp,” Rarity apologized. “He’s a little eccentric, but he means well.”

“We’ll just leave you now sir,” Twilight smiled. “Have yourself a good rest of your evening.”

They all proceeded to quickly follow Ace, along with a rather embarrassed (and pissed off) Melissa.

“Are you insane?” Melissa asked irritated. “There’s no way that Camp stole Snowflake.”

“Will you just keep him occupied, while I work my magic please?” Ace replied.

“And exactly what are you going to do?” Spike asked.

“I’ll act like I have stomach issues,” Ace explained, spreading pate’ on a cracker. “I’ll head off to the bathroom and sneak out to find Snowflake.”

Then, within a split second, Spike suddenly clutched his head as another splitting headache started to course through his mind. As if that wasn’t enough, the sinister voices started to torment him again.

Destroy them all
Roast them
Incinerate them
They’re nothing to you…

“Actually… I better go with you,” Spike groaned. “I’m not doing so well myself.”

“Are you alright?” Twilight asked concerned.

“Yeah, sure!” Spike assured her. “I just need some air… I’m fine.”

Though Twilight was unconvinced, not to mention very worried about her teenage assistant, she nodded in understanding and lead Melissa and the other girls to distract Camp.

Meanwhile, Ace just started stuffing food into his mouth, crunching the cracker in his mouth. A man in a tux beside Ace was spreading pate’ on his own cracker and stared at Ace.

“Smooshy, isn’t it?” Ace asked, with a mouthful.

Suffice to say the stuff man merely left with a ‘harumph’, all the other guests had their backs turned away from all the weird faces Ace made. As Spike made his way to the restroom, eventually Ace walked over and lightly tapped on Camp’s shoulder.

“Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom?” Ace told him, palming his stomach.. “I think it’s the pate’.”

“Um, it’s just over there,” Camp pointed out.

“Thanks,” Ace nodded. “Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?”

“Just please go Ace,” Rarity groaned.

Ace laughed, slapping Camp hard on the back and headed for the bathroom.

<>

Inside the bathroom, Spike splashed cold water on his face from the sink and shook his head trying to relieve himself of these headaches.

“Get it together Spike,” Spike told himself. “You’re just hearing things. These adventures are starting to get to me… maybe I do need a vacation from these vacations…”

As he kept splashing water onto his face, he looked up to gaze himself in the mirror and screamed. For right in the mirror, his eyes widening with fear, Spike saw an unforgettable figure standing directly behind him… Malakai Black…

SOON…

Spike quickly spun around in shock, only to see he was the only one in the bathroom. There wasn’t even a sign anyone ever entered at all. Breathing heavily, Spike clutched his head and shook it a few times before dunking his face in the cold water filled in the sink. The sound of the bathroom door opening caused Spike to jump and look up.

Ace was wasting no time entering the restroom. Soon as he locked the door, Ace turned and noticed the dragon boy’s face, all drenched with cold water. Suffice to say, Ace looked very confused, if not concerned.

“You alright little buddy?” Ace asked him.

“Uh—yeah!” Spike nodded, scrubbing his face. “Just a little groggy is all… nightmares.”

“Well luckily for you, I’ve got something that can help you with that,” Ace smirked.

“Aspirin?” Spike asked nervously.

“Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh… no. How would ‘you’ like to help me look for clues about Snowflake?”

“Me? You’re asking for my help?” Spike asked, surprised. “Eh… yeah! Why not? Maybe it’ll take my mind off… stuff.”

“Alllllllrighty then!” Ace grinned.

Ace wasted no time putting the plan into action. He turned on the water faucet and stepped onto the toilet seat, opening and climbing out a window. Spike climbed out behind him as Ace dropped to the ground. They followed a pathway, through a gazebo and into the doorway, all the time Ace quietly sung the musical score to ‘Mission Impossible’.

“What the hay is he doing?” Spike whispered to himself.

Finally, Ace threw open a door next to the pool area and the two quickly slipped inside. Ace browsed through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt-water tanks, still singing. They’re all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. They continued towards a large door and Ace promptly swung it open.

Inside, they spotted a huge above-ground tank covered with curtains to discourage onlookers.

“Now that is certainly big enough to hold a dolphin,” Spike observed in amazement.

“Exactly!” Ace smirked.

“… Groovy!”

Ace climbed a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now with Spike close behind. The ladder lead to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabbed a feeder fish from a pail and walked carefully out there.

He looked into the dark pool but saw nothing. Now he stopped singing, quietly squatting down and dangled the fish over the water.

“Snowflake… here, Snowflake… Snooowflaaaake…” Ace called out.

“We got a little snack for you!” Spike added, whistling.

Just then, a massive Great White Shark jumped out of the water and snapped it’s giant teeth right in front of the boys. Ace screamed in panic before he reeled back, falling off the catwalk and into the water.

“ACE!!!” Spike yelled.

<>

Meanwhile, back inside the mansion, Melissa and the girls admired the many exotic fish in the aquariums. Camp came up alongside them and looked in as well.

“Wonderful, aren’t they?” He asked.

“Yes, they’re incredible,” Melissa responded nervously.

“I’ve never seen so many wonderful, exotic fish in all my life,” Fluttershy spoke amazed. “We have plenty back home, but none like these.”

“A magnificent collection, Mr. Camp,” Rarity agreed.

“No matter what is going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be completely at peace,” Camp said poetically.

Applejack noticed Twilight staring toward the restroom with concern upon her face.

“Ya alright there Twi?” She asked.

“I’m just worried about Spike,” Twilight responded. “Something’s been going on with him since we got here. Whatever it is, it just seems to be getting worse.”

“Ah wouldn’t worry ‘bout Spike too much hon,” Applejack assured, placing a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “If there’s one thing ah know ‘bout Spike, ain’t nothing that dragon can’t handle.”

<>

“Oh, man! What am I gonna do?!”

Spike had finally gotten over the shock of the shark in the tank, now he was frantically looking around for Ace, who fell in the opposite side of the tank.

“Oh, man!” Spike gasped loudly. “ACE! Ace… where are you?”

The water was still for a moment. Then, Ace broke the surface and finally came back up with a gasp of air.

“AAAAAH, ho! It’s not Snowflake…” Ace sputtered frantically.

“ACE! There you are!” Spike sighed with relief. “Are you alright?”

“It’s not Snowflake…”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Spike said, lending out his hand. “Now quick, grab my hand and let’s get you out of there before something else goes…

But just as Ace grabbed Spike’s hand, he was suddenly pulled back in by the shark, who returned and indirectly pulled Spike into the water.

“WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNG!!!”

*SPLASH!!!*

There was now a water version of a fight cloud, as Ace and Spike were thrashed back and forth, all over and around through the water and the entire length of the pool by the shark’s rampage.

“IT’S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!!” Ace yelled.

“MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!” Spike yelled.

“IT’S NOT SNOWFLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

<>

Back inside Camp’s mansion, a line formed outside the bathroom. Camp, Melissa and the girls sat nearby as they waited for Spike and Ace’s return. The man in question was growing curious.

“Are you sure your date is all right?” Camp asked Melissa. “It’s been an awfully long time.”

“Who, Tom?” Melissa asked. “Oh, I’m sure he’s fine.”

“I’m sure Spike is just helping him make sure his problem is…” Fluttershy began.

But just then, Ace and Spike suddenly opened the bathroom door and stood there, completely drenched from head to toe, with Ace’s pants in shreds and Spike’s tuxedo jacket shredded as well (Even a bite mark on the left shoulder). Everyone stopped and froze as they stared at the duo in amazement. The girls looked on with wide eyes.

“… Ooooh, hayburgers…” Twilight gasped.

“DO NOT GO IN THERE!” Ace shouted loudly, fanning the air. “Whewww!!”

He opened his jacket, slapped his fancy Hawaiian shirt’s pocket and it squirted out some leftover water, which splashed upon the floor as he walked back toward the group. Spike shook and shivered from both the ‘now’ cold water all over him and the horror of what he’d been through in there, slowly following Ace out.

“Spike!” Twilight yelled concerned. “What in Equestria happened in the—”

But Spike slapped a hand to her mouth and shushed her down.

“Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh… not… another… word… for the rest of the night!”

And as he made his way out the front door with Ace, the girls looked at each other with confusion as they walked beside him trying to comfort him.

“So… many… teeth…” Spike stammered.

As everyone left the mansion, Camp stopped near the doorway.

“I’m very sorry, Mr. Ace,” He apologized sincerely, yet still confused. “I’ll have the plumbing checked immediately.”

“Be sure that you do,” Ace responded. “If I had been drinking out of that toilet, I might have been killed!”

Ace shook Camp’s hand and noticed his ring. He held on for a better look. It’s a very distinct, commemorative ring. Camp wanted his hand back, but Ace wouldn’t let go. Melissa finally dragged Ace away.

“Stop it!” She yelled. “Y’know, I don’t even want to know why your pants are missing! I don’t care what happened! You could have cost me my job.”

“… Yeah, we should get going,” Twilight spoke. “Thank you for welcoming us, Mr. Camp.”

As the group left, Camp looked on and just shook his head.

<>

A little while later, the group had arrived back at Melissa home. While Ace was thinking, to suggest that Melissa was pissed was an understatement.

“I was wrong about Camp,” Ace explained, on his own wavelength. “He’s breaking the law, but he’s not our guy.”

“It’s a sure thing!” Melissa argued, mocking Ace. “It’s definitely him! Just get me in there! Let me work my magic!”

Ace took the stone out of his pocket and studied it intensely.

“What is that Ace?” Twilight asked curiously.

“This is the key,” Ace responded. “Right here!”

“Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made!” Melissa groaned irritably.

“So small! So unnoticeable! Yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle!”

Melissa stared at Ace like he’s gone crazy.

“So, you found a pebble in Snowflake’s tank. Excuse me while I call CNN.”

“I found it in the filter,” Ace corrected. “And it’s not a pebble. It is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber.”

Ace handed Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.

“Okay well that’s great and all Ace, but what does it have to do with this investigation?” Rainbow asked.

“Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp’s ring,” Ace answered.

Ace found a book on the Dolphin team and flipped through it.

“I thought you said he didn’t do it,” Pinkie said, scratching her puffy hair in confusion.

“No, Camp’s clean,” Ace assured. “His ring wasn’t missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.”

“Wait a second,” Melissa interrupted. “What ring?”

Ace handed her the book, now open, to a photo of…

“The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship ring,” Ace said.

Melissa held the stone up to the picture and sure enough, it’s a perfect match.

“I find the ring with the missing stone, I find Snowflake.”

“And if we’re lucky, we could very well find Phantom Dragon as well,” Twilight realized.

“Well that certainly does make sense,” Rarity nodded. “But that still leaves one question: How exactly are we supposed to find out which ring is missing that stone?”

To which, Ace faced Rarity with a great, wide smirk.

“Simple.”

Death of a Sports Director

For the next few days, following the events of Camp’s party, things grew hectic for Ace Ventura and the Equestrian Heroes. After Ace informed them about what he discovered in Snowflake’s tank, with a good idea about ‘where’ it came from, it was finally time to start looking into it further. Ace managed to compile a list of the members of the 1982 Miami Dolphins, with intent to check them all out one by one. It would only be a matter of time until they found the person they were looking for. Sounds easy?

Well… not really…

<>

One day, Ace and Rainbow Dash found themselves running a jogging track to catch up to one of the members who frequented the field for his cardio practice. Rainbow had no trouble keeping up with the big man, but Ace was wheezing and gasping for air trying to keep up. It was extremely difficult for them to even get a good look at the ring on the guy’s hand.

“Come on Ace, keep up!” Rainbow shouted at Ace.

“I-I-I’m trying!” Ace wheezed.

<>

The following day, Ace and Rarity found themselves sitting and waiting in a shoe store. The store manager, an ex-player for the ’82 team, set several shoe boxes down before them. Ace inspected the ring on his finger; again, no luck with the missing stone.

“Sorry, don’t see anything I like,” Ace told the guy, walking away.

“Pardon me darling, you wouldn’t happen to have any designer stilettos by chance would you?” Rarity asked seriously.

The man just rolled his eyes and shook his head while walking away.

“A simple ‘no’ would’ve sufficed, thank you!”

<>

The other day, a few kids received autographs from Dan Marino and other players at a local hotel. Ace dressed like a particularly bad version of a teenager, much to the horror of Fluttershy, who accompanied him on this venture. While the players signed, he checked all their rings yet once again was disappointed to find they all had the stones. Ace groaned as he turned around.

<>

Ace and Rainbow again tried catching the large man on the track. This time, just as Ace drew near, the man left him in the dust. Rainbow, not abut to be beaten in a race, rushed forward to keep up with him just as Ace finally collapsed from utter exhaustion.

<>

On Thursday, two big guys finished arm wrestling at a local bar as Ace stepped up to challenge with Applejack alongside him. He spent an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checked out the ring. Ace finally got set and gave the ‘Go Ahead’ nod… and was instantly thrown across the room. Applejack walked alongside him and shook her head.

“That there was pathetic,” She spoke disappointed.

“Oh, like you could do better?” Ace scoffed.

Taking him up on his challenge, A.J. approached the table and sat across the big guy.

“How ‘bout takin’ me on partner?” She offered.

“You serious?” The guy chuckled. “Alright doll, don’t worry I’ll take it easy on you.”

A.J. frowned with a death glare on her face as she got ready and locked hands with the guy. With the ‘Go Ahead’ sign, A.J. easily flipped the guy right over the side and through a table. Holding his arm, the guy looked up at her with complete shock as she wiped her hands casaully.

“Don’t ever call me… doll,” Applejack spoke, tipping her hat.

“… Yes ma’am…” The big man squeaked feebly.

<>

On Friday, Ace drove his car down the highway with Twilight Sparkle and Spike in the backseat when they came upon another former Dolphins member driving along. Ace tried to get a good look at his ring but was unable to.

“So what’s your idea this time, Ace?” Twilight asked.

“This…” Ace replied simply.

Ace suddenly swerved the car, trying to cut the other guy off. Thankfully the man swerved as well.

“Hey loser!” Ace called out. “Why don’t you learn how to drive pal?!”

Ace continued swerving and trying to piss the guy off. Meanwhile, Twilight and Spike held on for dear life in the backseat.

“This is his idea?” Spike asked fearfully. “How exactly is road rage going to get us anywhere?”

As Ace swerved, eventually the guy flipped him off from his car and Ace used his binoculars for a good look at the ring. Unfortunately, his ring, much like all the others, had all its stones intact.

“Damnit!” Ace groaned.

“Okay, his ring is completely intact it seems,” Twilight sighed in relief. “Now can we please get off the highway and… out of the car?”

“Fine!” Ace sighed.

With that, Ace pulled off the highway and began to contemplate his next form of action.

<>

In a random men’s room, one huge lineman was currently using the urinal. Spike, using the one next to him, nonchalantly tried catching a glimpse of the man’s hands. The Lineman had a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changed to a ‘come on’ smile. Spike’s eyes widened with utter horror, slowly looking toward the screen.

“Mother…” Spike squeaked.

<>

Once again, Rainbow raced alongside the same big guy on the track field. Suddenly, Ace ran behind him, a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leapt onto the man’s back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gave up the fight and collapsed. Ace casually checked the ring, only to walk away disappointed.

“Seriously Ace?” Rainbow asked in disbelief. “Surely there was a better way to do this than committing criminal acts.”

“We’re running out of time and options,” Ace replied, frustrated.

<>

As the week met it’s end, the entire group met up at Melissa’s house to discuss what had been found so far. Currently, they sat in the backyard in awkward silence (Spike rocking back and forth, muttering to himself) while Melissa looked across toward Ace, who hardly said anything since arriving. No doubt after a week of dead ends, it was pretty clear he was pissed off. Pinkie, being her usual self, was the first to try breaking the awkward silence.

“So… nice weather we’re having, huh?” She asked smiling.

This caused everyone to look toward her with serious, dead-eyed expressions.

“I mean… it’s so nice and warm in Florida,” Pinkie continued. “It gets nice and warm in Equestria too sometimes, but it also gets really cold too. Brr! Does it ever snow in Florida?”

When no response came, all eyes staring at her, Pinkie finally decided to just back down and sit back in her chair. Meanwhile, Melissa decided to talk to Ace.

“Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere,” She informed him. “An earring, a necklace, a pendant even—”

“It came from an ’82 AFC Championship ring,” Ace spoke grumpily.

“Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an animal rights group,” Melissa suggested. “Have you heard of F.A.N.?”

“’Free Animals Now’?” Ace responded sarcastically. “Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, Fisher Gamble? Over half a million members from Florida to Finland? No. Who are they?”

“Okay Ace,” Twilight spoke up. “Let’s just keep our cool here for a minute. Maybe Melissa’s onto something.”

“Di you know that last year they sent letters to 127 college teams, demanding the release of their mascots?” Melissa continued. “At last count—”

“What do you feed your dog?” Ace asked.

Melissa noticed the dog laying at his feet; she groaned to herself as she rubbed her temples.

“Ah… dog food, why?”

“He’s miserable,” Ace answered.

“I don’t think so, Ace,” Fluttershy said. “He seems alright to me.”

“What are you talking about?” Melissa asked.

“He’s just very unhappy, I feel sorry for him,” Ace replied. “Bad diet, isolated environment. It’s amazing he’s still alive.”

“You’re just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn’t work out and you don’t know how to express your anger!” Melissa argued.

“Yeah?” Ace grinned. “And you’re ugly.”

“Ace!” Rarity gasped in horror.

Everyone could clearly see tensions were getting really high at the moment, and it was nly a matter of time before it boiled over completely.

“I’m not even gonna’ talk to you, please leave!” Melissa demanded.

“What, so you can beat him? Fatty!” Ace retorted

Before the arguing could go further, the sound of the ringing phone inside the house drew Melissa’s attention.

“You… are unbelievable!” She half-growled. “Hiring you was a huge mistake!”

She got up and walked back into the house, slamming the door in the process. This left Ace and the Equestrians all outside with the ponies and Spike looking at Ace quite angrily.

“That was nicely handled!” Twilight spoke sarcastically.

“You know Ace, she’s right about you,” Spike added. “You’re acting like a huge jerk just because you’re upset we haven’t found the supposed ring with the missing stone. You don’t have to take it out on people trying to help you; we’re ‘all’ busting our flanks trying to solve ‘your’ case!”

“You like her, huh?” Ace asked seriously.

“She might be a right stick in the mud sometimes,” Applejack responded. “But she’s at least tryin’ tah help us.”

“Yeah, she’s alright,” Ace nodded in agreement.

“And you certainly were acting like quite the ruffian,” Rarity spoke crossly. “Now you best walk right in that house and apologize to her immediately… or we’ll handle our missing friend case alone.”

“She’s right Ace,” Pinkie nodded. “No pony likes working with a grumpy pants.”

Feeling guilty, Ace nodded in agreement once more before hopping up and walked into the house. The rest of the crew followed closely behind.

“Look Melissa, I uh—”

Ace stopped when he saw Melissa. She sat, holding the phone in her lap. A completely stunned look was upon her face; something was very wrong.

“Miss Melissa, are you alright?” Fluttershy asked concerned. “What happened?”

Melissa whipped a tear running down her face before turning back to her friends.

“It’s… it’s Roger,” She choked out.

“What about him?” Twilight asked. “Did something happen?”

There was a long pause before Melissa finally told the bad news.

“… He’s dead.”

<>

Later that very same evening, the group found themselves outside a luxury condo complex in Miami. Dozens of police cars and officers ran all around the facility. There were also a variety of news vans, every reporter in the city out to cover the story.

“We’re here live at the Miami Luxury Complex where Roger Podacter, head of operations for the Miami Dolphins, has apparently committed suicide. Allegedly leaping to his death from his own fifteen story apartment.”

Ace, Melissa, and the Equestrians could see Roger Podacter’s body being taken away in the midst of all the chaos, away from the crowds of people and into an ambulance.

“You okay?” Ace asked Melissa.

Melissa nodded bravely as Emilo walked up to join them.

“What’d you find Emilio?” Twilight asked him.

“Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide,” Emilio responded. “He was alone. He’d been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.”

Melissa and a few others shuddered as Ace gave Emilio the ‘Way to go!’ look.

“Sorry,” He apologized.

<>

The group soon entered the apartment complex, catching the elevator to take them up to Roger’s apartment. The whole way up, Melissa tried to make sense of the whole thing.

“It just seems so out of character,” She spoke. “He was going to retire in two years.”

“Did he leave a note or anything that would explain it?” Rainbow asked.

“No,” Emilio shook his head. “That’s nothing unusual. Some do, some don’t. He didn’t.”

When the group finally entered Roger’s apartment, they were immediately bombarded by a bunch of police officers.

“Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson,” Emilio introduced Melissa.

“Evening, ma’am,” Carlson greeted. “I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?”

While this went on, Ace and the others slipped away listening in on another conversation. This was between another officer and Podacter’s next door neighbor.

“I told you,” The neighbor explained. “I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…”

The manager reiterated her story to the cops, the manager herself appeared as though she were over a hundred years old.

“… The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room,” The manager added. “Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…”

“Well, isn’t that quite a way to word this whole terrible event?” Rarity replied.

Ace studied the scene around him, noticing a bunch of officers coming in and out of the sliding door to the balcony. Strangely enough, he heard no sound from the officers on the outside. Suddenly, he smelled a familiar stench in the air and followed it to a dog cowering in the corner.

“Hey, fella, have a bad night?” He asked the dog calmly.

Fluttershy approached his side and examined the poor animal.

“Oh, the poor dear,” She spoke. “He’s so frightened…”

All of a sudden, the dog started barking. Ace and Fluttershy looked up to two feet, belonging to Einhorn, who stood right in front of them.

“So it’s true,” Ace smiled. “Animals can sense evil.”

“Who let Dr. Dolittle in?” Einhorn asked angrily.

“Ah, Lieutenant,” Emilio stepped in. “He came with Miss Robinson—”

“This is official police business,” Einhorn scowled at Ace. “We’ll let you know if the coroner find any ticks.”

Then Einhorn looked over toward the Equestrians, who stood close by.

“As for the rest of you, I don’t recall calling you as witnesses. Leave now or you will be arrested!”

Many of the cops snickered, while Ace gave another sarcastic chuckle.

“I just thought since Melissa –” Emilio began.

“E, forget it. She’s right,” Ace relented. “Besides, I wouldn’t want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made. Twilight, care to give me a hand?”

“Sure thing Ace,” Twilight nodded.

“I told you to leave!” Einhorn warned.

“Apologies Lieutenant,” Twilight replied. “But we came to find our missing friend and that’s ‘our’ business.”

The two made their way onto the balcony and began to investigate themselves. Ace observed the side of the balcony which looked down over a lengthy drop to the surface. While he did just that, Twilight took a look for anything else that might have been overlooked. As she studied the scene, something caught her eye.

Approaching a potted plant near the ledge, Twilight knelt down and reached inside. Pulling her hand out, she looked at the tiny, folded piece of paper between her fingers. She quickly hid it in her pocket, as Einhorn made her way out onto the balcony in hot pursuit.

“Oh, so, you don’t think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?” She asked Ace.

“Well, I wouldn’t say that…” Ace responded. “Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.”

Einhorn approached the balcony; sure enough, there was a tiny spot of blood. Einhorn glared at a couple nearby cops who merely looked down.

“May I tell you what I think happened?” Ace asked, with a smirk. “Alrighty then!”

Ace moved back into the apartment as he spoke, with Einhorn and Twilight trailing behind him.

“Roger Podacter went out after work,” Ace explained. “He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn’t alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn’t commit suicide. He was murdered.”

“You know Ace… that actually sounds like a great theory!” Rarity spoke, impressed.

“Well, that’s a very entertaining theory, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call ‘evidence’,” Einhorn countered.

“That’s… also a good point,” Spike pointed out.

“Who’s side are you on?” Rainbow asked.

“Ours, obviously… I’m just saying she has a point.”

“Well, at least one of you has some sense in their heads,” Einhorn smirked.

Ace picked up a lottery ticket on Podacter’s desk and became a condescending kid show host.

“Let’s take a trip to clue corner, shall we?” He announced. “Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I’ll bet if we put our thinking caps on we’ll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive! NEXT TIME YOU DON’T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!”

Everyone looked toward Einhorn for her response.

“Not a bad try for a pet detective,” She replied. “But not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.

“First, people buy lottery tickets every day. It’s a habit. It doesn’t prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn’t suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn’t jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. I.E. plaster from the balcony.”

Einhorn showed Ace the paramedic’s report and everyone, minus the Equestrian heroes, were impressed with Einhorn.

“So much for your murder, Ventura,” Einhorn smirked.

“Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush,” Aquado laughed. “Maybe someone lost their turtle?”

Everyone laughed while Ace looked utterly beaten.

“Well, maybe I’m just a little out of my league, here,” Ace admitted, holding out his hand. “Einhorn… good work.”

Einhorn shook Ace’s hand as the Equestrians looked on silently. Ace and Melissa made for the door but were stopped soon as the Equestrian heroes blocked the doorway.

“That’s it?” Spike spoke you. “You’re just giving up?”

“Not quite,” Ace grinned. “There is just ‘one’ more thing, Lieutenant. This man is Roger Podacter’s neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?”

“That’s right,” The neighbor nodded.

“And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?” Ace asked the manager.

“Yeah,” The manager agreed.

“You’re certain you had to open this door?” Ace reiterated, walking toward the balcony door.

“What’s the point, Ventura?” Einhorn asked irritated.

Ace stepped outside the balcony and turned back as he grabbed the sliding door.

“Only this… AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW…”

Ace sustained an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opened and closed the glass door between them. With the door closed, nothing could be heard until finally… he stopped.

“This is double paned, sound-proofed glass,” Ace pointed out, tapping the door. “There’s no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream she heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the murderer closed the door before he left!”

Ace began to celebrate in the only way Ace Ventura could… ‘insanely’.

“Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Looser!”

“GET HIM OUTTA HERE!” Einhorn yelled.

Aguado began to push Ace out of the room, while the madman continued to call out ‘Loohooser’. Melissa and the Equestrian heroes continued to follow them out of the apartment before Twilight stopped them dead in their tracks.

“Hold up a minute guys,” She whispered. “I found something back there.”

“What do ya mean Twi?” Applejack asked.

“When Ace and I went out onto the balcony, I saw a crumpled piece of paper in a plant,” Twilight explained. “My guess is that it was strategically placed there by someone else.”

“Who would do that?”

“Only one way to find out I guess,” Twilight responded. “We read it.”

Twilight unfolded the little piece of paper, and everyone looked down to see words written on it which read:

Up and down the fields of time,
Racing towards the finish line

P.D.

The Equestrians looked toward one another with surprise on their faces. The message had come from their missing friend. How was that even possible? That was the question. Nevertheless, regardless of the possibility, it gave them the one thing they’ve needed just to find him.

Hope…

A Colossal Clue

Later that evening, after the group departed from Podacter’s apartment, they piled together in Ace’s car. Currently, as the car sped down the highway, the Mane Six and Spike sat together in the backseat overlooking the piece of paper Twilight found. Clearly this message had to come from Phantom Dragon, but there was just so much unknown about it. After all, it wasn’t like he’d given them a location or who might be with him. The only thing on the paper was a riddle they were supposed to figure out. At the moment… they were failing.

“This just doesn’t make any sense,” Twilight spoke, shaking her head. “First of all, time isn’t up and down. It goes around in a linear circle. Secondly, racing towards the finish line has nothing to do with anything so far.”

“Maybe we have to compete in some race to find him,” Rainbow suggested. “If that’s the case then we have it won. Just throw me in there against anyone and I’ll wipe the floor with those chumps!”

“Ah’m pretty sure that ain’t it hun,” Applejack disagreed.

“Perhaps we’re going about this completely wrong,” Rarity spoke up.

“Oh, I love a good ‘Hi-Diddle Riddle’!” Pinkie giggled. “Check this out: What has a head and a tail but not any legs? A coin!”

Everyone just stared at Pinkie, who gave them all her biggest smile and tiniest wave of her hoof.

“Not the time Pinkster,” Rainbow told her, calmly.

“Perhaps the up-and-down is a metaphor for something,” Fluttershy suggested. “It may not be time itself.”

While they were in the process of figuring out their own dilemma, Ace Ventura and Melissa sat in the front seats of the car. The whole time, Ace stuck his head out the window feeling the wind brushing across his face.

“What are you thinking?” Melissa asked him.

“I’m thinking this whole thing is connected somehow,” Ace responded, frustrated. “I’m thinking I want to find that other ring!”

“Ace, you checked all the rings.”

“I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?”

“No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.”

As they continued down the hallway, Ace was suddenly struck by another idea.

“… Receipts!” He concluded. “There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.”

“Ace, this has been a really tough day,” Melissa sighed. “Can’t we do this in the morning?”

Ace quickly eyed his watch before smirking a slight.

“Absolutely,” He said.

A little while later, Ace’s car screeched to a stop before the Miami Dolphins headquarters. Ace jumped out, followed by Melissa and the Equestrians.

“I thought you said we could do this in the morning,” Melissa complained.

“Check the time,” Ace smiled. “According to my watch, it’s now 1 am, which means it’s morning.”

“… He does have a point,” Twilight replied.

Ace began to walk towards the building, while Melissa rubbed her aching head from the headache building up inside. She used her key to let them in, knowing she was never getting home nor getting any sleep till this case was over. All was dark inside the office; team pictures adorned the walls. The team started going through the files of any and everything related to the 1982 season.

“These files go back to seventy-eight,” Melissa told him.

“Alrighty then,” Ace smiled. “Everyone, grab a folder and start researching.”

Everyone grabbed a file and began skimming through the contents. All the while, Melissa looked at Ace with a smile on her face. The way Ace flipped through a file cabinet, looking at the receipt, anyone could see that perhaps she was actually starting to warm up to him.

“That was pretty impressive,” She complimented. “What you did back at the apartment.”

“She’s absolutely right, Ace,” Spike agreed. “The way you were able to come up with a pretty good hypothesis from so little evidence is pretty cool.”

“Maybe you should have joined the police force…” Rarity suggested. “You’ve already got the makings of a real detective.”

“I don’t do humans,” Ace shook his head.

Everyone chuckled a tad, as Melissa drew herself closer.

“You really love animals, don’t you?” She inquired.

Ace put his search to a hold, gazing his attention toward her eyes.

“If it gets cold enough,” He joked.

Once again, Ace’s humor made everyone laugh all the while the man kept speaking.

“No, I feel a kindship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?”

“Sure,” Melissa nodded.

“Whatcha got fer us partner?” Applejack asked.

Everyone gathered around Ace, as he started to tell them his story.

“One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… but no matter how far I ran he just kept gaining on me. And just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up and felt the back of my neck… check this out.”

Ace motioned for Melissa to feel the back of his neck. But when she does, he snapped at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.

“ARARAR!!!”

“AHHHH!!!”

Melissa jumped out of her skin as does everyone else at the sudden action. Twilight held her now furiously beating heart, Rainbow and Applejack held each other tightly, Fluttershy hid behind Rarity, and Spike rocked back and forth in a fetal position. The only that wasn’t fazed was Pinkie Pie, who burst out laughing.

“HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! That was classic!” She laughed. “Good one Ace!”

Ace laughed as well, giving Pinkie a high five/hoof.

“Ohhh! You bastard!” Melissa chuckled.

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t stop myself,” He said. “You really wanna know why I do what I do?”

“Suddenly, I don’t think we really want to know anymore,” Twilight replied, calming down.

“Agreed!” The group added, in unison.

Ace and Melissa both looked at each other and, for reasons the group couldn’t understand, just stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. This did not go unnoticed by Rarity and Pinkie Pie.

“Ooh la-la!” Rarity winked at Pinkie. “Looks like those two are starting to warm up to each other.”

“Don’t you just adore ‘romance’?” Pinkie responded. “It’s like the warm ooey-gooey center of a molten chocolate cake. So good!”

This went on until Ace finally broke himself away, now looking somewhat nervous.

“So—um—are these all the receipts?” He asked nervously.

“Oh, yeah,” Melissa responded, mildly annoyed. “I don’t know.”

“There’s only a dozen of them here.”

Ace turned from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa began to clean up his mess.

“Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn’t put the files back when he was…”

“Who the hell is that?” Ace interrupted.

“What?” Melissa asked.

Ace crossed to a big picture of the ’82 team hanging on the adjacent wall and pointed out one player.

“That!” He emphasized. “Who the hell is that?!”

He quickly pulled out his crossed-out pictures of the whole team, comparing the two pictures.

“Oh, that’s Ray Finkle… the kicker,” Melissa explained. “Don’t you know who Ray Finkle is?”

“No!” Ace shook his head. “How come he’s not in this picture?!”

Melissa checked Ace’s photo, noticing the differences.

“This was the picture you were using?” She asked. “This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn’t added to the roster till mid-season.”

A look of realization began to dawn on Ace’s face.

“He’s the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year,” Melissa continued. “Cost the Dolphins the game.”

“But he got himself a ring, didn’t he?” Ace smirked.

“Definitely,” Melissa nodded.

Not only that, but Twilight also looked as though she was starting to figure something out amidst this whole scenario.

“Wait a minute!” She spoke up. “Can I see that picture?”

Melissa handed the picture to Twilight, who stared at it intensely. It was as though she were trying like hell to figure something out. While doing so, the others approached Twilight’s side looking at her with great concern.

“You okay there, Twi?” Rainbow asked.

“I don’t know how I didn’t think of this before,” Twilight whispered.

“Think of what exactly?” Rarity asked.

“The riddle!” Twilight responded. “Up and down the fields refers to a football field. As for racing towards the finish line, when you’re rushing to the end zone to score, it’s a race against ‘time’.”

“She’s right!” Rainbow realized. “It’s like Buckball back home. You run up and down the field to make it to your end zone to score and you’re on a time clock between quarters.”

“If that’s the case, wherever Phantom Dragon is, it has something to do with football,” Spike concluded.

The girls and Spike turned toward Ace and Melissa (And vice versa).

“Maybe this Finkle feller’s got somethin’ tah to with all this,” Applejack hypothesized.

“Is there anything we can find about Finkle?” Rainbow asked.

“We’ve got records in the computers,” Melissa responded.

Not too long later, the entire group searched through all the files on any and everything surrounding Finkle. Newspapers, various articles, headshots, and just about ‘anything’ that would give some form of hint as to Finkle’s connection with the whole case. Until at last, they found something that would grant them an idea as to what’s going on.

“’Replacement Kicker Having Great Year’… ‘Ready for Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts’,” Melissa read.

“’Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl’,” Ace read.

“’The kick heard round the world’,” Melissa finished. “That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.”

“Huh. So a cocky upstart goes into a season with a full head of steam and chokes when it matters most?” Rainbow asked.

“Sounded an awful lot like y’all when yah wanted to be a Wonderbolt,” Applejack chuckled.

“Hey, I did become a Wonderbolt in case you forgot,” Rainbow argued.

“Not the time guys!” Twilight shushed.

Another headline hit the screen: ‘FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED’.

“Poor guy,” Melissa spoke sadly.

“Poor guy with a motive, baby,” Ace smirked. “Where is he now?”

“Last I heard, he went back to his hometown, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.”

“REHEHEALLY,” Ace pondred.

“So the answer is simple,” Twilight piped in. “We go to Collier County and find out all we can on Finkle. My hunch is when we find him, we’ll find Snowflake and Phantom Dragon.”

“Can you drop me off before you go?” Melissa asked.

“No way!” Ace shook his head. “It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn’t be left alone.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Well… you could always bunk out with me tonight,” Ace grinned.

“Oh—uh—I don’t know,” Melissa chuckled nervously. “Don’t you already have a house full?”

“Oh yeah, that reminds me,” Ace grinned, handing his credit card to the Equestrians. “Why don’t you guys take this and get yourself a hotel room tonight? I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning and we’ll head to Collier County.”

“Well… okay,” Twilight answered awkwardly.

Once Twilight Sparkle had the card, the whole group proceed to depart from the Dolphin Headquarters and piled together into Ace’s car one-by-one. Soon they sped off down the highway until Ace eventually pulled the car to a screeching halt in front of one of the local hotels and allowed the Equestrians out.

“I’ll pick you guys up here tomorrow at 8,” He told them.

With that settled, the tired peeled rubber and the car sped off down the street again. The Equestrian group coughed heavily as the exhaust pipe released a large puff of smoke in their faces.

“What is *Cough* he *Cough* in such a rush for?” Fluttershy asked, clearing her lungs.

“*Cough* Trust me Flutters, you don’t want to know,” Rainbow responded. “What that man wants, none of us want to be around for it.”

“Wait, how do you know what he’s up to?” Spike asked.

“Trust me, I know,” Rainbow responded.

<>

The sheets bounced up and down in repeated fashion. Skin, sweat, and even the sheets themselves fly as Ace and Melissa rolled back and forth along the bed. It was plain to see that Ace was taking no prisoners in this case.

Fifty or so animals sat at the bottom of the bed, eyes as big as silver dollars, all watching them with silent fascination. Between the furious lovemaking and the staring animals, Melissa and Ace simultaneously reached the pinnacle of ‘pleasure’.

“Oh man… oh man!” Melissa gasped, totally amazed and exhausted. “Oh wow!”

“I’m sorry… that’s never happened to me before,” Ace mocked embarrassment. “I must be tired.”

<>

The whole team shuddered over the very thought, but they were all in agreement that it would be something Ace Ventura would do. The fact that Melissa would even agree to it… that was another story.

“Yeah… you would know that…” Spike nodded in agreement. “Considering you and A.J. are always at it on nearly every adventure.”

On ‘that’ fact even Twilight and her friends nodded with Spike, sharing a few ‘Oh yeah!’, and ‘Totally agree’, and ‘So very often’, among other forms of exchanges. To which their two friends glanced at Spike in annoyance.

“Now Spike, we don’t do it all the time,” Applejack replied.

“And even when we do, we always washed the sheets after every practice,” Rainbow added.

The group murmured amongst themselves over the matter (‘Sure you do.’), and it’s plain to see they weren’t entirely on board with that argument.

“We did!” Rainbow insisted. “Besides, with everything happening on this crazy adventure, we’re actually going to take it easy this time. A.J. insists we take it… nice and slow…”

<>

Sudden gasps and moans filled the room, with heavy commotion taking place beneath the sheets of one of two beds in a slightly cramped motel room. On the other bed, Rarity laid back against the bed frame taking deep breaths all while Twilight Sparkle, sharing the bed, tried to keep herself distracted the only way she can… reading a book she brought for the trip. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie took whatever sheets the motel would allow, along with a few pillows, and laid casually on the floor like they were having a sleepover.

As for Spike… he sat on the one chair in the room, trying to keep himself comfortable laying his chin on one hand.

“’We’re going to take it easy’ she said,” Spike murmured. “’Nice and slow’ she said…”

<>

The following day, Ace and the Equestrians sped down Highway One en route to a ‘Deliverance’ type town somewhere deep within the Everglades. They passed a faded, old, and barely legible sign which read: “WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE”, only the ‘F’ in “FINKLE” had been replaced with “ST” in spray paint.

Twilight soon noticed the sign and attempted to bring the others attention.

“Did any pony else see the welcome sign vandalized back there?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, that’s definitely a red flag,” Spike replied.

“So what?” Pinkie remarked, unworriedly. “Just because a sign got spray-painted like that, it doesn’t mean the whole town’s suffering because of the ‘Kick Heard ‘Round the World’ thing.”

Eventually, they came upon another sign which read ‘Gas – Food – 2 Miles’, only the word ‘Food’ was crossed out. A pitifully sad country tune played on the radio of a joint called ‘Bilbo’s Gas Station’. Fern Bilbo, the supposed owner, sat at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. The man struggled to reach the trigger.

Through the glass behind him, Ace’s car pulled up to the only gasoline pump.

*DING!*

The bell rang. Fern Begrudgingly took the gun out of his mouth, set it down, and got up from his desk to walk out.

Ace emerged from his car, honking the horn a couple times while opening his mouth in tune. The Equestrians rolled down the windows, or what was left of them.

“Excuse me, sir,” Twilight called out. “Do you know where we can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?”

“Do I have a ‘kick me’ sign on my back, son?” Fern asked.

“I wouldn’t know anything about that,” Ace replied. “But if you could point me toward the bar—”

All of a sudden, Fern broke down sobbing.

“They all left me… all of them!” Fern bawled.

All the girls started to feel uncomfortable watching the sad scene. But leave it to Pinkie Pie to figure out a means of getting into the bar.

“Well… hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar,” Pinkie spoke. “How would they have gotten ‘there’ from ‘here’?”

“’Bout two miles down and take the first left,” Fern answered.

“Thanks a lot—” Ace began.

“Thanks very much!” Pinkie cut in. “Take care now, ‘bye ‘bye then!”

“Hey, that’s what I was going to say,” Ace remarked.

Without another word, Ace got into his car and pulled out.

Fern soon re-entered the gas station and took his seat at the desk. He placed the end of the shotgun in his mouth once more, reaches for the trigger and…

*DING!*

Another car pulled up to the pump. Exasperated, he removed the gun out of his mouth… again.

“Can’t get anything done around here…” Fern murmured to himself.

<>

The Pigskin Sports Bar, a weather dive in the middle of a swamp. That was where Ace parked the car. If depression had a home, this would be it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sat around the bar. A couple hapless guys played a round of pool while another three played darts. That was all they could see as Ace and the gang entered this firm establishment, the man popped a sunflower seed into his mouth as he addressed the room.

“Excuse me, guys?!” Ace spoke up. “My name is Ace Ventura, I’m a pet detective. These are my associates, the Equestrians. I’d like to as a few questions if I could.”

But not a single soul dared even look at the man.

“Well, don’t jump in all at once,” Applejack piped in. “Just a few questions, that’s all.”

But still… no reaction. Not a murmur, not a glance… not even a ‘whisper’. Just deathly silence.

“Who wants gum?!” Pinkie offered, with a stick from her mane.

But again… no reaction. Ace released a loud *Phew!* as he and the gang walked over to the bartender and slid a five across the bar.

“I’m looking for a guy who used to work here,” Ace spoke.

“That right?” The Bartender replied, taking the money.

“He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.”

A pool ball flew by Ace’s head, shattering a mirror just behind the bar. The Equestrians yelped out of fright. All eyes were now on Ace, as he picked up the thrown ball.

“That would be a scratch,” Ace spoke, to the guy who threw it.

“I’d say seven years bad luck…” Pinkie pointed to the mirror.

Several undesirables surrounded Ace, including a giant of a man with little to no teeth.

“You a friend of Finkle’s?” The toothless giant asked.

“… Yes?” Rainbow answered.

*SNAP!* *CRASH!*

The giant smashed his pool stick in half against his knee; his opponent merely tossed his aside.

“Sorry… she has ‘say the opposite of what you mean’ disease,” Ace apologized, on Rainbow’s behalf.

The giant’s partner smashed a bottle, pointing the broken end towards Ace.

“… It’s the Thug Tug all over again…” Fluttershy whimpered nervously.

“Oh, you want to play with glass huh?” Ace challenged.

“ACE, DON’T PROVOKE THEM FURTH—” Twilight warned.

But Ace started to play with eye like he were taking out some contact lens. He then picked up a tiny piece of broken glass that resembled a small broken contact lens from the bar. Spike facepalmed himself upon seeing how much trouble they were in.

“COME ON! FFFAT BOY!” Ace called out.

And he started to pretend jab it in the bottle man’s face. The rest of the hicks moved closer in a rather threatening manner.

“That bastard ruined this town,” The Toothless Giant growled.

“Eww… I hate that!”

“We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl, and that son of a bitch gagged!” One Hick spoke.

“What a jeeerk!” Pinkie feigned shock.

“Yeah, shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!” Another hick yelled.

“Death to Finkle!” Ace called out. “Death to Finkle!”

The bartender stepped in just as things were growing serious.

“We had a hell of a thing going here,” The Bartender spoke menacingly. “Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle’s hometown. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.”

The bartender pointed to a payphone. Sure enough, it had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you could every imagine, what with all the graffiti around it and the tons of bullet-holes not to mention the adjoined wall.

“Did he ever come back?” Fluttershy asked nervously. “I-I-I mean… after the Super Bowl?”

“Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn’t welcome,” The Bartender answered.

“Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle!” One Hick called out.

Laughter erupted from that remark, while some of the Equestrians stared at them blankly… as if they were either processing the meaning or found the joke rather disturbing.

“What’s the difference between Finkle and a jackass?” The toothless giant asked. “A jackass can kick!”

“Hey!!!” Pinkie frowned. “I have friends who resemble that remark!”

“Wait… I know this one,” Ace spoke facetiously.

“He didn’t!” A hick remarked. “And I’ve got the hair on my bumper to prove it!”

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensued as a whole mob shouted ‘FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!’ over and over. It was plain to see that the once hometown hero had quickly turned into the butt of everyone’s jokes. A moment of glory stolen from him, in favor of being made the subject of ridicule.

“Well… it’s good that you’re dealing with the anger…” Rarity spoke, disturbed.

“So… I don’t suppose anyone’s seen him lately?” Ace asked feebly.

“Perhaps… where he is right now?” Twilight added.

The guys all looked toward Ace and the group.

“No… but we know where his parents live!” The bartender spoke. “Don’t we boys?!”

“Yeah! We sure do!” The hick remarked.

The entire bar started to laugh insanely, while Ace munched on some sunflower seeds in the midst of all the calamity.

“Okay…” Pinkie spoke up. “I’m starting to come around the idea of red flags surrounding this town.”

“I don’t want to have to say I told you so,” Spike began. “But… I told you so!”

Tracking Ray Finkle

Following a hectic, and frankly violent start, Ace Ventura, along with the Mane Six and Spike, continued their investigation for any clues surrounding Ray Finkle. Eventually, they found themselves pulling up just outside a two-story stilt house, which they assumed to be the Finkle household. The place was completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Looking around, they saw toilet paper strewn through the trees. As the car came to a complete stop, Ace stepped out of the car and the Equestrians followed suit.

“Well, here we are,” Ace announced. “Ray Finkle’s childhood home.”

To say the Equestrians were anxious was an understatement. They couldn’t take their eyes off all the graffiti messages all over the house saying, ‘Finkle stinks!’, ‘Choke’, etc.

“… Very atmospheric…” Spike spoke nervously.

“You guys think this could be the decollate farmhouse the local mobs at the bar were wailing, stammering, and shouting about?” Pinkie asked rapidly. “The one that belongs to the Finkles, ranting about it as they were going to the pitchforks and torches store?”

“Noo…” Rainbow groaned sarcastically. “We think this rundown house on the outskirts of town, vandalized beyond belief, is a five-star hotel.”

“Oh… well that’s a relief!” Pinkie giggled.

Rainbow rolled her eyes with a hoof-slap to the head.

“So easy…”

“Think we’ll find answers about Ray Finkle here, Mr. Ventura?” Fluttershy asked Ace.

“Well, my inter-dimensional Watsons… only one way to find out,” He responded.

Ace approached and knocked against the door as the Equestrians followed close behind. A wooden peephole slid open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.

“Uh… good morning…” Twilight waved awkwardly.

“Hi!” Ace greeted. “We’re looking for Ray Finkle…”

A double barrel shotgun suddenly slid straight into Ace’s face, while a ‘cocking’ sound was heard. The Mane Six and Spike were stiff as boards, staring down the barrel of the gun before the detective’s face.

“… And a clean pair of shorts.”

“Ditto!” Spike gulped.

An old man’s deep gruff voice emerged from inside.

“What do you all know about Ray Finkle?”

Ace and the Equestrians took a huge breath before replying in turn.

“Southpaw soccer style kicker…” Twilight began.

“Graduated from Collier High in June 1976…” Spike added.

“Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980…” Applejack included.

“Holds two NCAA division one records…” Fluttershy listed.

“One for most points in a season, one for distance…” Rarity piped in.

“Former nickname ‘The Mule’…” Rainbow continued.

“The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County,” Pinkie smiled.

“And one hell of a model American,” Ace finished.

Everyone took another breath and let it out for relief.

“Did we miss anything?” Pinkie asked curiously.

After a beet, the shotgun reeled back into the peephole, and it closed. The door slowly creaked open revealing Mr. Finkle, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

“Are you another one of them ‘Hard Copy’ guys?” Mr. Finkle asked.

“No sir,” Ace shook his head. “We’re just very big Finkle fans.”

“This is our Graceland, sir,” Pinkie teared up. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.”

The remainder of the ‘Mane Six’ and Spike shook their heads with a roll of their eyes over their pink friend’s over-exaggeration. While doing that, Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman came over and pulled the gun away from her husband.

“Will you put that gun down?!” She said. “The children are fans of our son. So nice to meet you all. I’m Ray’s mother, and this is Ray’s father.”

“It’s a real honor,” Ace smirked.

“If you call nearly getting your face blown off by a player’s father an honor,” Rainbow muttered angrily.

“Now hun, don’t let yer anger get the better of you again,” Applejack whispered to her.

She then placed her hands along Rainbow’s shoulders, slowly massaging them in an attempt to calm her marefriend. Rainbow released a slight groan, not out of pain… but rather relief as she felt any knot slowly falter.

In the meantime, Mrs. Finkle led the group right into the house.

“Well, it’s an honor to have you all in our home,” She spoke kindly. “My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He’ll be so pleased you stopped by.”

“Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?” Twilight asked curiously.

“Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute,” Mrs. Finkle nodded. “Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.”

“YYYYYUMMIEEEEE!!!” Ace & Pinkie spoke in unison.

“I wouldn’t mind a little snack myself,” Rainbow nodded.

“How very kind of you,” Rarity commented.

Mrs. Finkle hurried off toward the kitchen. Ace and Pinkie are the only ones who actually smiled toward Mr. Finkle, while the others were in a state of awkward silence. In their eyes, the guy was essentially a walking corpse. He just stared back at the group, almost as if attempting to judge them one by one.

“Wow… Ray Finkle’s house!” Ace admired. “I can’t wait to meet him!”

“We heard he has quite the reputation,” Fluttershy spoke nervously.

“If you and yer wife don’t mind, we’d like tah ask him some questions about his recent behavior,” Applejack spoke.

“Ray ain’t comin’ home,” Mr. Finkle responded.

Everyone blinked twice, shifting their eyes at one another before turning back toward Mr. Finkle.

“I beg your pardon?” Rarity spoke confused.

“But your wife said you expect him home any minute,” Ace added.

“She expects him home any minute,” Mr. Finkle emphasized. “See, the engines runnin’ but, uh—there’s no one behind the wheel.”

“Uh—Mr. Finkle—we don’t quite understand,” Twilight spoke up. “Where exactly is Ray?”

“Ten years ago, our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa,” Mr. Finkle answered. “They’re still buggin’ us to pick up his stuff.”

“Whoa, whoa, hold up!” Rainbow interrupted. “Did you just say… mental hospital?”

“You mean… Ray was committed?” Fluttershy asked.

“For what?” Spike added, curious.

Mrs. Finkle soon returned with a plate of football decorated-and-shaped cookies.

“It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that!” She spoke sweetly. “If he had held the ball laces out, like he’s supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would anyone like a cookie?”

Gonorrhea?

A sexually transmitted bacterial infection… usually affects the urethra, rectum or throat… take your pick.

Uh… no!

The Equestrians look on with concerning wide-eyed faces as they and Ace took a cookie.

“Hmm… what do ya know,” Ace held one up. “They’re little footballs. Ha-ha-ha.”

“How… festive!” Pinkie smiled awkwardly.

“Laces OUT!” Mrs. Finkle spoke sweetly.

*CRASH!!!*

“AAH!!! ASSASSINS!!!” Fluttershy squeaked, ducking behind Rarity.

Sure enough, a large stone smashed through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drove by yelling their Finkle chant.

“FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!” The mob chanted.

“I told you he had a lot of fans,” Mrs. Finkle replied.

“Shouldn’t you be calling the police or something?” Spike pointed out.

“We could… but…”

Mrs. Finkle picked up the rock and hurled it straight out the broken window. It struck one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peeled away. The group stared wide-eyed at the scene as they slowly arched their heads toward Mr. Finkle.

“She got the arm; the boy got the leg,” Mr. Finkle spoke dryly.

“Good to know…” Rarity spoke nervously.

“Um—Mrs. Finkle—before we go, may we at least see Ray’s room?” Twilight asked.

“What for?” Mrs. Finkle asked suspiciously.

“We figured Ray might have come back here to retrieve something, a personal belong he may have left behind in his haste. It would really help us locate his whereabouts.”

“Well, of course!” Mrs. Finkle smiled. “Anything for true fans of our son.”

Mrs. Finkle proceeded to lead Ace and the group up the staircase. Soon enough they were walking down the hallway leading straight to Ray’s room.

“When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he’ll never even know he was gone,” Mrs. Finkle spoke, mid-walk. “I kept his room just the way he left it.”

“Just the way he left it?” Twilight asked curiously.

Mrs. Finkle nodded as she opened the door to Ray’s room. Ace stepped in, along with the group, who suddenly went bug-eyed!

“OOOOH…” Fluttershy gasped.

“MYYYYY…” Spike spoke wide-eyed.

“FAAUUSSSST!!!” Twilight finished.

To say Ray Finkle’s room belonged to someone clearly and ‘very’ mentally unhinged would’ve been the understatement of the century. It’s a death shrine to Dan Marino himself. Complete with life-size cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, others hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls were disturbing phrases including: ‘Death to Marino!’, ‘Marino must die!!!’, and other… unmentionable terms.

“Well… I think it’s safe to say Ray Finkle has officially secured taking the #1 prime suspect position on our list,” Pinkie pointed out.

“Gee, no kidding!” Rainbow remarked sarcastically.

“What gave you that there idea?” Applejack added.

“I’ve seen terrible things from the Ministry planning horrible acts at Wrestlemania,” Fluttershy trembled, hiding in her mane. “But this… this really scares me.”

“I agree,” Rarity commented. “This positively takes revenge to a whole new level.”

“… Ooh boy,” Ace gasped.

“What a sports nut, huh?” Mrs. Finkle asked.

“You got the ‘nut’ part right,” Rainbow muttered.

Within the center of the room was a movie projector.

“May I?” Ace asked.

“Oh yes, by all means,” Mrs. Finkle nodded in approval.

Mrs. Finkle shut the lights off. Ace turned on the projector and the group gathered together to watch. The film flickered over the ‘Marino must die!!!’ graffiti. It’s the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino took the snap, Finkle kicked, and the ball sailed wide. The film repeated itself to infinity, as the group looked on worried and concerned. As the realization swept over their faces, Twilight spoke up.

“Girls… Spike… I think we found our motive,” Twilight pointed out.

<>

Later on, following their excursion in the Finkle house, the Mane Six, Spike, and Ace Ventura found themselves back at the Balbo Gas Station. Ace was currently in the payphone trying to calm Melissa, who sounded pretty stressed on her end. After everything they witnessed and learned, the group couldn’t possibly get out of that crazy place fast enough. Now it was a race against time to prevent what was coming next.

“Melisa, it’s Ace,” Ace spoke over the phone.

“Ace? Where are you?”

“I’m in Psychoville and Finkle’s the Mayor. Where’s Dan Marino?”

“Marino? Why?”

“Because he’s about to join Snowflake,” Ace responded. “I gotta know where he is.”

“Okay, hold on…”

Ace waited impatiently, as he could hear Melissa checking what she needed to find.

“Come on…” Ace muttered impatiently. “Come on…”

As Ace waited, two paramedics departed from the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covered the face was a giant red spot. The Mane Six and Spike watched wide eyed as the paramedics loaded good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drove away, ringing the station bell one more time.

“You know what? After everything we’ve seen, this just feels like a warning of things to come,” Rainbow spoke nervously.

“That’s not disconcerting at all,” Spike remarked sarcastically.

As they watch the paramedics climb aboard the ambulance, Twilight noticed something very ‘ominous’ in the background.

“Guys… what is that?” She pointed out.

Everyone (Minus Ace) turned toward the direction Twilight was pointing to. They noticed what resembled a figure in a dark cloak, standing there… staring at them. It was clearly female, if the slender frame and long silver hair protruding from the robe didn’t tell them anything. The figure reached their arms out from their cloak and produced an hourglass which they flipped over so the sands would fall. They placed the hourglass upon the ground and looked back toward the group. Though the figure was a good distance away, Twilight could hear them speak through her magic.

“The end is near… the end is near…”

In a quick blink of an eye, just like that, the figure disappeared. Everyone looked around in confusion, trying to see where the figure had gone off to. But they found nothing… absolutely nothing.

“Wut in the name of Faust was that?” Applejack asked.

“Boy, this adventure gets weirder and weirder,” Spike commented.

Meanwhile, Melissa had just gone back on the phone with Ace.

“Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.”

“Where is that?” Ace asked.

“It’s on Route One by the Six cut off. Thirty minutes outside of town.”

“Okay, that’s about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.”

“Ace, tell me what’s going on… Ace?”

The payphone dangled off the hook, as Ace and the Equestrians were in the car racing out of the swampland, the detective’s head now back out the window so he could see. They left a faded, old, barely legible sign in their wake: the ‘F’ in ‘Finkle’ replaced with ‘ST’ in spray paint.

<>

Meanwhile, at Prescott Studios, Dan Marino was in the process of filming a commercial for ‘Isotoners’. The all-star was completely oblivious to the fact he was in mortal danger, as he continued with his rehearsal for his advertisement.

“Hi, I’m Dan Marino. If anyone knows the value of protection, it’s me. So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.”

Five linemen proceeded to grab Marino and ran off the camera, just as the commercial came to an end.

“Good. Remember, exit camera right,” The director instructed. “That’s to your left. Alright, let’s get ready to shoot this. Helmets on this time!”

The linemen grunted as they dispersed.

<>

On the busy streets, Ace sped through a red light causing several cars to skid in every direction. The Equestrians watched the devastation before them, their eyes wide with horror.

“Yep… their weekend is officially ruined,” Rainbow concluded.

“Agreed!” The group nodded quickly.

<>

Back at Prescott Studio, Marino was sitting in the make-up chair while a girl applied some make-up on the all-star athlete.

“See, in 82 we just choked,” Marino informed the make-up girl. “We had a chance to win it and we didn’t—”

“Dan, are you ready?” The director called out.

“Ah, sure!” Marino answered, facing the girl. “I’ll tell you later.”

<>

Cops were racing onto the lot as quickly as they could, just as Marino was on center stage for another take. All was quiet on the set… cameras were rolling… speed applied…

“… And action!” The director cued.

“Hi, I’m Dan Marino,” The athlete smiled. “If anyone knows the value of protection, it’s me…”

An old clip of Marino getting sacked played on the ad. Cops scrambled on foot to the sound stage. The commercial was winding up, as the linemen readied themselves.

“… So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners!”

Once more, the five linemen grabbed Marino and ran off camera.

“And cut!” The director yelled. “That was good. Again from one.”

But two of the linemen kept running, with Marino in their grasp…

“I said cut!!” The director yelled.

… and they kept running…

“What the hell are they doing?!” The director called out.

… right out the studio door. It was then the cops finally arrived and raced after them. The two linemen, the real ones, stumbled out of the dressing room clutching their hands in pain. Ace, the girls, and Spike skid around the corner right toward the studio, looking ahead and spotted the two kidnappers in Dolphin uniforms dragging Dan Marino to their getaway vehicle.

“THERE THEY ARE!” Spike pointed.

“LET’S GET ‘EM!” Rainbow yelled.

“How do such burly men manage to move so fast in those uniforms?” Rarity asked curiously.

Everyone, minus Ace, stared at Rarity with confusion.

“Actually, that is a reasonable question,” Pinkie piped in.

They turned their attention back to the studio, as Marino was shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drove off just as the cops emerged out of the building on foot. They were too late. Ace was already in hot pursuit, nearly running the cops down.

“Ace… ACE… ACE!!!” Fluttershy screamed. “LOOK OUT!”

But Ace merely plowed through them as the officers cried out.

“S’cuse me, gentleman! … Pet Detective!”

“Official Freelance Police Business!” Pinkie added.

“I hope one of them was Aguado,” Rainbow chuckled.

“Agreed,” Spike nodded.

The car eventually caught up with the kidnappers’ vehicle. Ace head was out the driver’s window through the entire chase. Just as he was gaining up on the bad guys, that was when the shooting began. Ace wisely tucked his head back in the car.

“They’re shootin’ at us!” Applejack yelled.

Unfortunately, due to Ace being unable to see through his broken windshield, he poked his head out again. The kidnappers were shooting again, forcing Ace to swerve and dodge the bullet shots.

“COME OOOOON!!!” Ace called out. “WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YAH?! CAN’T C’YAH HIT ME?!”

Rainbow joined in, sticking her head out and calling out through her window.

“YEAH! I’VE SEEN BETTER SHOOTING FROM A.J. WHEN SHE AWESOMELY BUCKED THOSE APPLES INTO THOSE TARGETS ON THE TREES!”

Applejack blushed over her marefriend’s compliment, as Rainbow pulled her head back inside and looked back at her marefriend with a playful smirk and wink. The kidnappers shot again; one bullet was about to hit Ace in the face.

“ACE! LOOK…” Twilight began.

… But Ace actually ‘caught’ the bullet in-between his teeth.

“… out?”

Ace proceeded to take the bullet out of his mouth.

“Dude! That was AWESOME!” Rainbow cheered.

“Nice catch Ace!” Pinkie smiled.

“What catch?” Ace questioned.

The Pet Detective merely flicked the bullet out of his hand, as the Equestrians looked on with wide bug-eyes. Just then, as the kidnappers were shooting one bullet struck the front of the car and ricochets off the grill hitting the left tire. Ace started losing control.

“Ah, jeez!” Rainbow shrugged.

Ace’s car swerved off the road into a park, plow-knocked over some box poles and did a little job off a tiny mound of land making everyone float up for a split second.

The car landed back on the ground, smashing through several benches and tables. The various pedestrians scrambled out of the way as the vehicle flipped over a few times, before landing on its wheels with a horrid *SMASH!*. The girls and Spike clung onto anything that bolted onto the somewhat still-intact car; they were all petrified with mortal terror of surviving the crash. Ace, for the most part, was unfazed by it and released a sigh of passive aggressive annoyance.

“PPPHHHEEEEEEEW…” Ace sighed in relief.

Suddenly, Ace’s prized white pigeon landed on the car door right beside him. Ace cracked one eye and spotted the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successful trapped it within his grasp, forgetting all about Marino entirely.

“I did it! I did it!” Ace cheered. “I caught the white pigeon! I caught the white pigeon!”

Ace jumped out of his car and skipped around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. To the naked eye, he looked criminally insane.

Ace Ventura *Sings*
I caught the white pigeon,
I caught the white pigeon,
I caught the white…

Suddenly, Ace slowed down and looked around warily. There was now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park, along the monkey bars, and even the swings. The sky grew darker, as he slowly turned and tried getting back into the car. Suddenly, all the birds took flight.

Ace set the white pigeon free and started to run, but it was too late. The birds were on him now. Pecking, gouging, and ripping his flesh. Ten birds flew away with a leg; five flew away with an arm. Twenty others tried to take Ace’s left arm off, while half his face was missing…

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

<>

Ace was back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window; the Equestrians were staring through the busted window frozen in terror. A small boy pulled on it.

“Hey mister… hey mister…” The boy spoke.

Ace suddenly came to, staring at the boy with a crazed expression.

“That was a really neat crash, mister,” The boy continued. “Do it again.”

Once more, Ace breathed one more sigh of relief and then Ace the key to start the car up. The busted vehicle drove back onto the highway like nothing even happened. The Equestrians were still stuck in their terror-faced state.

“Okay, first off… how the Faust did we just survive all that?” Twilight asked. “Secondly… HOW IS THIS CAR STILL RUNNING?!?!?!”

“It’s the 1972 Chevrolet Monte Carlo,” Pinkie answered. “It takes a lickin’ but keeps oooooon tickin’!”

“No wonder folks complain about the driving in this state,” Spike groaned.

“… Can we go home now?” Fluttershy whimpered.

The Looney Bin

Later that same day, things grew more insane than they had been thus far on this adventure. Following the recent kidnapping of Dan Marino, the police station was in a frenzy. Police officers races all over trying to determine a solution to this mystery. Various headlines had already hit the newsstands: “MARINO KIDNAPPED”, “STAR QB MISSING”, DAN, WHERE ARE YOU?” and even the Global headline read: “MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!”. On the cover itself, Marino stood with several Space Aliens in football gear.

Not only that, but a mob of news reporters stood outside the doors seeking answers. Currently, Lt. Einhorn tried to make her way into the police station but was swarmed by zillions of reporters shouting all sorts of questions. It was complete, utter chaos.

“Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?” One reporter asked.

“There’s been no communication with the kidnappers at this time,” Einhorn responded casually.

“What’s going to happen to the Super Bowl?” Another reporter asked. “Will it be postponed?”

“As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.”

“Why wasn’t the public told about Snowflake’s kidnapping?”

“Secrecy was essential. We didn’t want any public interference.”

“Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter’s murder?”

“I’m sorry,” Einhorn spoke abruptly, having enough. “I can’t comment any further. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

Einhorn pushed her way through the crowd of reporters and into the police station. The moment she was inside, Einhorn barked out orders to the other cops on her way for her office.

“Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter!” She ordered. “Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press… and somebody get me a cup of coffee!”

Einhorn entered her office sighing in frustration, completely oblivious to the fact that Ace Ventura had hid behind the door.

“Tonight on ‘MIAMI VICE’, Crockett gets the boss coffee!” Ace spoke jokingly.

Einhorn turned toward the Pet Detective with such disdain. If looks could kill, Ace would surely be dead on the spot. Meanwhile, Ace just stood casually in the office, popping sunflower seeds.

“Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.”

Einhorn proceeded to walk toward the private bathroom in her office.

“Is it number one or number two?” Ace asked quickly.

Einhorn turned and glared at Ace once again.

“I just want to know how much time I have,” Ace spoke, throwing his hands up in defense.

Einhorn proceeded toward the sink and began washing her hands.

“Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing,” Ace informed her.

“Oh yeah?” Einhorn humored him.

“Yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?”

The water shut off and all was silent for a moment till Einhorn left the bathroom and sat in front of Ace.

“Alright Ventura, make it quick,” She spoke.

“I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake’s tank,” Ace informed her. “It’s from a Dolphin ’82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We’re talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy’s room… cozy if you’re Hannibal Lector.”

“So how does Roger Podacter fit in?” Einhorn questioned.

“My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle’s number and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.”

Einhorn seemed to listen with great interest as Ace continued his explanation.

“So where is Finkle, now?” She asked.

“He broke out of a mental hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He’s been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most… Super Bowl time! Man, I’m tired of being right!”

Einhorn took everything Ace told her into consideration and actually formed a small genuine smile. She proceeded to get up and walked right in front of Ace, sitting herself at the edge of the desk. Her demeanor now appeared much softer.

“Congratulations,” She smirked. “You’ve done some fine detective work… Ace.”

This actually caught Ace by surprise; Einhorn never called him by his actual name.

“Ahh, could you talk in my good ear?” Ace spoke, putting a hand to his ear. “I thought I heard you call me Ace.”

“Maybe I was wrong about you,” Einhorn answered seductively. “Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

Suddenly, something happened that no one would ever expect to happen in a million years. Einhorn crashed her lips on Ace’s and they both fell onto the desk in a heated make-out session. Objects fell off the desk as they leaned back. Eventually, Einhorn finally pulled away while biting Ace’s lip in the process.

“Your gun’s digging into my hip,” Ace told her.

“What’s wrong, Ace?” Einhorn asked. “Want me to read you your rights?”

“Maybe later.”

Ace finally pushed her off himself and tried to regain his composure.

“What is it?” Einhorn asked dejected. “That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?”

“No, you just don’t do anything for me,” Ace responded defensively.

He quickly adjusted his crotch to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdrew with a coy smile.

“I’ll be here if you ever want a real woman,” She suggested with a wink.

Suddenly, there was a sharp knock at the door.

“What is it?” Einhorn asked irritated.

In response, Aguado opened the door and walked in.

“Everything okay in here?” He asked. “Heard some commotion.”

“Fine, Sergeant,” Einhorn responded casually.

“You want me to throw him out?” Aguado glared at Ace.

“Why don’t you throw yourself out,” Einhorn responded.

“… Yes, ma’am,” Aguado responded awkwardly.

As a crestfallen Aguado left the room, Ace and Einhorn were alone once again.

“Ace, I want you to leave everything to us,” Einhorn told Ace sincerely.

“Can’t do that, Lieutenant,” Ace responded confidently. “I was hired to find Snowflake.”

“When we find Marino, we’ll deliver Snowflake.”

“When I find Snowflake, I’ll deliver Marino.”

Ace proceeded to work his way out of the office and leave the police station, all the while Einhorn watched his every step.

<>

Meanwhile, while Ace was at the police station, the Mane Six and Spike decided to visit Woodstock to determine if he had come up with anything regarding the case. A full on thrash metal band were cranking on stage when the group walked into the club. Kids leapt wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout still thrashed his head wildly to the music. Pinkie walked up and started thrashing her head along with him.

“Nice to see you again!” She shouted to him. “I bet the bands have been killer! You know, I’ve been thinking of starting my own band! Any advice?”

The Burnout just kept thrashing as the girls, and Spike, spotted Woodstock watching the band a bit further away. They quickly made their way to join them.

“Oh hey, little birds,” He greeted with a smile. “How’s it goin’?”

“I suppose you could say things have gone from weird to weirder throughout this entire mission, Mr. Woodstock,” Twilight responded.

“Anything new on that dolphin?” Woodstock asked.

“We’ve been trying our hardest to find him and our missing friend but with little success so far,” Fluttershy answered. “As for everyone else looking, all they’ve done is put his picture on some tuna cans. Seems no one else is taking this very seriously.”

As they spoke, a singer roared on stage, sounding like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.

“Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhh! Geroooghhh!”

The remainder of the group covered their ears with their hands, pressing with all their might.

“Sweet Celestia almighty!” Rarity cringed. “How can anyone call this noise music? Whatever happened to the fine art of opera?”

“I’ve heard better sounds from nails on a chalkboard,” Rainbow groaned.

“We once cared for a pregnant cat on the farm,” Applejack informed the girls. “She done made horrible sounds that didn’t even sound ‘this’ bad when she gave birth.”

“So, what can I do for you today?” Woodstock asked.

“We found our head suspect in this case,” Twilight told him. “Do you know anything about a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?”

“Sorry birdie, I can’t help you right now,” Woodstock apologized, mid-groove. “I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!”

“Are they?” Spike questioned seriously.

“Aren’t they?” Woodstock responded.

Everyone groaned in irritation over the fact Woodstock was so far not being helpful.

“Now what do we do?” Rainbow asked.

All of a sudden, an invisible lightbulb went off in Fluttershy’s head. The girl approached Woodstock with as much calm a face as she could muster.

“Alright, we understand,” She spoke casually. “I mean dolphins aren’t exactly an endangered species. It’s not like the whole food chain’s going to be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow, painful death! After all, if the band is loud enough, you won’t even hear its pitiful whimpering!”

Fluttershy soon performed her best suffering dolphin impression. All at once, Woodstock could no longer enjoy the band as he watched her.

“Alright, follow me,” He spoke, as he walked away.

Fluttershy winked over her shoulder toward her friends, who smiled back. There was no mistake that they were impressed with their usually shy friend’s cunning trick before following behind Woodstock.

<>

Down in Woodstock’s base of operations, the hippie fish protector was at his computer searching for any information on Finkle’s whereabouts. The girls and Spike stood behind him, looking over his shoulder as Finkle’s Social Security information appeared on the screen.

“This guy’s last reported income was September 1982,” Woodstock informed them.

“Okay, so we know he’s incredibly thrifty,” Twilight observed.

“Is he?” Woodstock asked.

“Okay, can we please stop with the whole ‘Are they? Aren’t they?’ thing already?” Rainbow asked. “The first time was funny, twice is alright, but now you’re just doing it over and over again! It’s ridiculous!”

“Is it?” Woodstock asked.

Rainbow groaned in irritation, slapping a hand over her ace. Again, Applejack started to give her a little shoulder massage to calm her down. Meanwhile, Woodstock typed some more information and Finkle’s TRW flashed on the screen.

“Well, I think we can be pretty sure he’s involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.”

“Really?” Rarity asked. “What makes you say that?”

“There’s ‘two-thousand dollars’ worth of smelts on his VISA card.”

“Who would buy ‘two-thousand dollars’ worth of fish?” Pinkie asked. “The only ones I know with even ‘that’ many fish would be griffins and even they sound as though they’d spend that much on them.”

“Pinkie, I think he was just kidding,” Spike spoke deadpanned.

“Ooooooooooooh!” Pinkie realized. “Now that makes sense.”

“Can ya please give us some information we can actually use here?” Applejack spoke up.

“Alright already,” Woodstock responded. “The last time this guy used his credit card was June, ’84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.”

“Anything else?” Rainbow asked.

“Nope,” Woodstock shook his head.

“Well… you did all you could,” Rainbow sighed. “Thanks for nothin’.”

“Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn’t exist.”

“Well, that doesn’t really help us out that much,” Spike spoke disappointed. “Either way, thanks for the help Woodstock.”

“No problem man,” Woodstock nodded. “Good luck finding your guy.”

The Mane Six and Spike proceeded to leave the basement and make their way back up top. It was then Ace Ventura walked into the club. The band was between songs, as Ace strolled by the burnout whose head had now stopped.

“Did you get all the spiders outta there?” He asked.

That’s when he noticed the Mane Six and Spike making their way towards him.

“Did you guys find any info from Woodstock?” He asked them.

“Your hippie buddy doesn’t have anything on Finkle,” Rainbow spoke irritated. “All he’s got is that he hasn’t had any income for the last few years.”

“How are we supposed to find anything on Finkle when no one has even seen or heard anything about him in forever?” Rarity asked.

“Um… guys?” Fluttershy interrupted.

“What is it Flutters?” Applejack asked.

“I think we have bigger problems,” Fluttershy pointed out.

Everyone turned toward the front door of the club where Fluttershy was pointing and noticed the two thugs that took Marino standing at the exit. They spotted Ace and started towards him, reaching inside their coats. Suddenly, the music started up again as the burnout’s head wailed. His manic gyrations interfered with the thugs long enough for Ace and the Equestrians to bolt. One of the thugs pushed the burnout violently against the wall as they pursued Ace.

“Thanks, man!” The burnout yelled. “You’re a great dancer!”

Ace pushed his way through the crowd, with the Equestrians following behind. The thugs were not far from the group. Ace neared the stage just as things turned wild. People dove off and were getting moshed. Just before the thugs could grab them, the group ran up and hurled themselves from the stage. The insane crowd began to pass them around their heads as Spike looked toward the thugs and shrugged with a sheepish smile. The thugs exchanged a look, then dove after Ace, and a ‘mosh’ chase ensued.

The group were passed back onto the stage as the song reached its end. The singer laid there exhausted. The heroes noticed the crowd was starting to put the thugs down. Thinking fast, Ace grabbed for the microphone off the floor.

“ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!” Ace screamed out.

The audience looked at Ace for a second, while the Equestrians gave credulous looks. Then, the band members exchanged a look and went for it!!

It’s a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sung like one of Satan’s minions. While the Equestrians stood baffled, the crowd seemed to understand. They threw the thugs high in the air again and moshed them away from the stage. All the while, the thugs shot stray bullets the whole time trying to hit their targets.

The Equestrians watched in astonishment as Ace incited the crowd further, with a punching gesture. The crowd followed their new leader, punching with one hand and moshing with the other. The thugs got the living crap ‘moshed’ out of them. Once the song ended, Ace raised his fists in the air in victory. The cheering crowd violently dropped the thugs and they’re out cold.

Ace and the Equestrians burst out the front door, collectively hopping into the car which peeled off down the road.

“Wow, that was crazy!” Spike spoke loudly.

“No kidding!” Rainbow agreed. “Luckily we got out of there.”

“Now what’re we supposed to do?” Twilight asked. “We still have nothing that could tell us where Ray Finkle is or where Snowflake, Phantom Dragon, and Dan Marino could be.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Ace smirked.

“What do ya mean Ace? Applejack asked.

“First things first… we need to pick up someone.”

<>

Later that night, Melissa Robinson was fast asleep in her bed after a long hard day. Ever sine Roger Podacter’s passing and the disappearance of Dan Marino, things at her job only grew far more hectic. Unfortunately, she found her sleep interrupted by a loud banging at her door. Melissa awoke, turned toward her clock which read 3:32 am. Reluctantly, she dragged herself to the door.

“Who is it?” She asked tiredly.

“Ira,” A voice responded from the other side.

“Ira who?”

“I refuse to do a ‘knock-knock joke’. Come on, open up!”

Melissa opened the door seeing Ace and the Equestrians standing outside. Pinkie was on the floor, rolling over with laughter at Ace’s joke.

“I refuse to do a ‘knock-knock joke’!” She laughed. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Where do you come up with this?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“Okay seriously Pinkie, it wasn’t really that funny,” Rainbow groaned.

“Ace, what are you doing?” Melissa asked. “It’s the middle of the night!”

“You have to commit me,” Ace responded with a smirk.

<>

The next day, the entire group found themselves driving down the highway in Ace’s car toward their next destination. The whole drive there, Melissa questioned the group about their plan and where exactly they were going.

“So what exactly is it that we’re doing again?” Melissa asked Ace.

“Finkle escape from Shady Acres in Tampa,” Ace responded. “They still have some of his stuff.”

“How do you know?”

“His parents told us,” Twilight answered. “Finkle blames the Dolphins’ Super Bowl loss entirely on Dan Marino and it sent him into a downward spiral into madness.”

“He’s completely obsessed with getting revenge on Marino and the Dolphins,” Rarity added.

“We hoping that whatever he’s planning, maybe he left some evidence in the mental hospital,” Fluttershy finished.

“So you think they’re going to let us just waltz in and look around?” Melissa asked skeptically.

“Not at all,” Ace answered. “Thankfully, I’m a master of disguise.”

“I can already tell this isn’t going to go well,” Spike sighed.

<>

Later, the group found themselves at Shady Acres Mental Institution in Tampa. It was a rather large, old building that was just crawling with many mentally unhinged people. Currently, everyone found themselves in the reception area where Melissa and the Equestrians were meeting with one of the head doctors.

“Mrs. Robinson? I’m Doctor Handly,” The Doctor introduced himself. “Now who is it that you’d like to have us look at?”

“My brother… Larry.”

Everyone turned back toward Ace, who sat in one of the seats. The man wore a tutu; his hair was insanely wild. He had a look of absolute insanity on his face as he stared back at the group.

“I’m ready to go in, Coach,” He spoke madly. “Just give me a chance. I know there’s a lot riding on it, but it’s all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.”

Ace struck a dramatic pose and froze with a manic look on his face.

“I’m gonna execute a button-hook pattern in super slow-mo!”

He proceeded to go forth and perform a whole bunch of crazy running motions in slow motion, much to the amazement (and also confusion) of the Equestrian heroes. He continued for a few moments before coming to a freezing halt.

“Let’s see that in an instant replay!”

Ace proceeded to do it all again in reverse before slumping back down in his chair and mumbling some incoherent things to himself.

“He’s a former football player,” Melissa explained to Dr. Handley. “Took a few too many blows to the head and now he’s declared clinically insane.”

“I see…” Dr. Handley nodded, noticing the Equestrians. “And how can I help you all today. Are you also here on behalf of Mrs. Robinson?”

“Oh no sir,” Twilight shook her head. “Actually, we were hoping you might be able to look at our friend Pinkie.”

Twilight pointed her thumb over her shoulder, and all eyes once more turned around. They saw Pinkie Pie sitting in a chair next to Ace. Only now, her hair was just as wild as Ace’s, and she had a look of pure insanity on her face. A little drool hung over her chin as she gently rocked back and forth in her chair.

“Bell-bell, make bad men go bye-bye!” She spoke insanely. “Bell-bell, make bad men go bye-bye. Bell-bell, make bad men go bye-bye!”

Everyone just stared at the insane pink girl rocking in her chair, as Rainbow Dash shook her head.

“Somehow I always knew we’d end up in this situation eventually.”

<>

Dr. Handley proceeded to give Melissa and the Equestrians a tour of the facilities, all the while explaining all the work they do at the hospital. While doing so, Ace and Pinkie both continued to act completely insane. After all, this was a role that they were both oddly well suited for.

“Your brother won’t be the first professional football player we’ve treated,” Dr. Handley informed Melissa.

“Is that right?” Melissa asked.

“Yes,” Handley nodded. “We’ve very sensitive to the emotion stress athletes have to endure.”

Ace raced across the grounds screaming ‘I’m open! I’m open!’ as if trying to catch a football. Meanwhile, Pinkie was on a nearby bench in a crouching position much like a cat.

“Gotta catch those crooks, I must!” She muttered. “Won’t let them get my treasure. No, no… I won’t. They’ll have to kill me first! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!”

She leapt off the bench and ran around in a circle, screaming at the top of her lungs. The rest of the group covered their ears from how loud she was being.

“Gotta give her credit,” Applejack said. “She’s one hay of a Bridleway actor.”

“We’ll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here,” Handley assured. “The same can be said for your friend, young ladies. We have a great staff well suited to handle any form of mental illness.”

“I’d sure love to see them even try to handle Pinkie,” Spike muttered.

“That’s a relief, Doctor,” Melissa smiled.

“It seems that your facility is very well suited indeed,” Rarity nodded.

Ace took a ‘snap’ from a three-foot hedge and dove over it into the endzone. Melissa and the doctor stopped to watch him.

“He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?”

“As long as I’ve known him,” Melissa answered truthfully.

“Same can be said for Pinkie,” Rainbow added. “I don’t even think mental illness are the proper words to describe her. We might have to make up a new one.”

Ace performed a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating, while Pinkie Pie ran up and rolled on the ground much like a dog.

<>

The tour continued with Handley leading the group inside, showing them the innards of the building. Ace walked alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads and Pinkie hopped along like a bunny rabbit.

“This is our therapy room… arts and crafts…” Handley explained, mid-walk. “That’s the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –“

Ace suddenly whistled loudly, gesturing like a referee.

“HALFTIIIME!!!” He yelled.

Ace stuck his head in the water fountain, then sat down on the bench outside the storage room. Pinkie soon walked up and observed a few birds flying outside the window.

“Ooh… look at the wee widdle birdies!” She smiled. “Ooh… maybe they’re looking for a statue to land on.”

She proceeded to freeze completely in place like a statue. Everyone looked at her and had to admire the fact she was completely unblinking and unmoving. It was like she was an ‘actual’ statue.

“He’ll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes,” Melissa assured, referring to Ace.

“And Pinkie won’t dare move until someone puts a bird on her head,” Fluttershy spoke up.

“Well, why don’t I show you the dormitories, then?” Handley suggested.

The girls and Spike nodded in agreement as they proceeded to follow the doctor towards the dorms. This left Ace and Pinkie utterly alone in the hallway. Ace suddenly snapped out of his insane act, as well as Pinkie. Together, they entered the storage room.

“Yowie wowie, that was fun!” Pinkie spoke cheerfully. “We should come back tomorrow and do this all over again!”

“First things first, we’ve got work to do,” Ace responded.

Ace performed a quick search, locating several boxes marked ‘FINKLE’. Ace searched through the first couple boxes only to find clothes. But by the third box, he hit the jackpot: He found sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino himself. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves, and even a little diary. Opening it up, they discovered ‘Laces Out!’ insanely scrawled on every page.

“Obsess much?” Ace said.

All of a sudden, the door opened, and a janitor was about to enter before getting into an argument with a fellow employee. Thinking quickly, trying not to get caught, Ace climbed half-hazardously into the box to cover himself up. Pinkie, unable to find a hiding place, once more resumed her statue-like composure. Thankfully, the janitor left just as the box holding Ace completely fell apart.

“Phew! That was super-duper close!” Pinkie sighed in relief.

While trying to pull himself back up, Ace found a newspaper clipping with a heading which read:

‘SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER’

“Hey Pinkie, take a look at this,” He ushered.

Pinkie quickly approached his side to gaze upon the newspaper as well.

“What is it?” She asked.

“’A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn…’” Ace read.

“’… a camper reported lost since Friday…’” Pinkie continued.

“Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls!”

Both Ace and Pinkie looked at each other, completely confused by the meaning of it all. Just then, something else caught Pinkie’s eye. Kneeling down, she picked up what resembled a letter of sorts and read it quietly to herself. Ace took notice and looked over her shoulder.

“You found something else?” He asked curiously.

Pinkie just read the letter before her eyes turned wide and she slowly turned toward Ace.

“I think I’ve found out how Phantom Dragon fits into all this,” She said.

She showed Ace the letter and they both read it:

The time has come to test whether or not you are worthy of joining our cause. We shall provide you with an escape but from then on, you will be solely responsible for the outcome of this endeavor. A friend of the Elements of Harmony will soon enter this world, your task is to capture him and keep him in a secure location until the time is right. When all is said and done, we will judge whether or not you are fit to join us.
- N

<>

At the police station, the telephone rang at Emilio’s desk, and he answered.

“Echavez,” He answered.

<>

Back at Shady Acres, Ace was on the phone in the hallways while some crazy guy hovered behind him.

“This is Chicken Little,” Ace spoke urgently. “The sky is falling.”

<>

“What?” Emilio answered confused. “I don’t get it. What’s it mean?”

<>

“It means she’s involved in this,” Ace explained. “The article’s dated the day before Finkle disappeared.”

“Before ‘who’ disappeared?”

“Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you’re supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn’t tell you, did she?”

“Hey, Ace. I see where you’re goin’ with this and you’re goin’ alone.”

A crazy guy stood next to Ace now, mimicking everything the man was saying.

“Come on, E!” Ace insisted. “I tell her about Finkle, she doesn’t tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta’ check her out—DO YOU MIND?!?!”

The crazy guy stopped and moved to one of the phones.

“Ace, I like my job,” Emilio explained. “I get health insurance and benefits.”

“I’m the Lindberg Baby,” The Crazy Guy spoke into a receiver. “Come and get me.”

“Emilio, Einhorn is involved,” Ace insisted. “You’re gonna’ have to decide here. Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.

It was then Melissa and the Doctor, along with the rest of the Equestrians, returned.

“Well, look who’s trying to use the phone,” The Doctor observed.

Ace covered the phone receiver and whispered to them in a heartfelt voice.

“Brian Piccalo is dead…” Ace whimpered.

As the man broke down, Melissa hung up the phone and lead him away. A thrash version to ‘Brian’s Song’ played as they left the hospital.

<>

Later that same evening, Emilio stood at the window watching Einhorn drive off. When the coast was clear, he snuck into Einhorn’s office. He rifled through her filing cabinet, tearing through all the papers. Then he searched her desk and sure enough stuffed in the back of the drawer he discovered a personal note. The signature upon it belonging to one Roger Podacter himself, written only just a day before his death.

<>

Meanwhile, Ace, Melissa, and the Equestrians pulled up in front of Melissa’s apartment.

“Good job today,” Ace complimented Melissa. “You’re quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.”

“Thanks,” Melissa replied flattered. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay here with me?”

“Nah, I got some thinking to do,” Ace responded. “Besides, you’d be safer with Salman Rushdie.”

“Okay.”

Melissa stepped out of the car, then turned and leaned through the window.

“Listen… I know there isn’t much time left,” She spoke softly. “The game is tomorrow. But I know you’ve done your best. It’s just an impossible situation. I don’t expect…”

“Hey…” Ace interrupted, leaning over for a kiss. “… bet on the Dolphins.”

After making contact, Melissa walked into her apartment as Ace and the others head back down the highway.

“That was quite the crazy day, wasn’t it?” Rarity asked.

“In more ways than one,” Spike nodded.

“I’ll admit it Pinkster, that was some nice acting back there,” Rainbow complimented, with a shoulder nudge. “You really had us going back there for a bit. Honestly, I thought you were going completely insane.”

“I was supposed to be acting?” Pinkie asked confused.

Everyone snapped their heads toward Pinkie with confusion.

“Ya didn’t know?” Applejack asked.

“Not at all,” Pinkie shook her head. “If I did, I would’ve acted completely crazy. Course, I’d need some cupcakes… and a volunteer… Rainbow…?”

“Uh… no!” Rainbow shook her head quickly.

“Wait a minute!” Spike spoke up. “You mean to tell us that everything you did today…”

Then before he could go on, they all came to a stunning realization: This was Pinkie Pie they were talking to. She was already crazy as it was just in a daily basis. With that in mind, they turned their heads forward as Ace continued driving down the road.

<>

Later…

Out of their human disguises, every pony (And Spike) sat in the living room of Ace’s apartment trying to figure out what they found at the hospital. Wiggles the dog approached the answering machine on the table and clicked the button with his little nose. The first message in the machine came from Mr. Shikadance, the landlord.

“Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You’re out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!”

The next message came from Emilo.

“Ace, it’s E. Got something you might find interesting. It’s a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. Something ain’t stirring the kool-aid man.”

“Wiggles, rewind,” Ace instructed.

Wiggles obediently hit another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace, popping sunflower seeds, held some evidence aloft thinking. A bird ate the seeds out of his naval.

“What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle?” Ace asked himself. “Come on, think!”

“Don’t worry Ace,” Twilight spoke comfortingly. “We’ll figure this out.”

“How?” Rainbow asked. “I mean sure we know Finkle is clearly behind this and ‘somehow’ he’s in league with the Dark Order. But none of it matters unless we know where the dude is.”

“Calm down sugar cube,” Applejack grabbed Rainbow’s hand. “We’ll figure it out like we always done before.”

“Hopefully soon,” Rarity sighed. “I dread being away from my family and my husband for so long.”

“Then let’s get thinking,” Pinkie smiled. “I know… what if we did a ‘Noodle Dance’?”

“NOOO!!!” The group groaned.

“Just a ‘suggestion’…”

Over the next few hours, Ace and the Equestrians worked endlessly to come up with some idea as to how it all fit together. Thus far, every idea they came up with started to sound more absurd than the last.

“Finkle and Einhorn…” Ace spoke to himself. “In it together. How? Why?”

“Where could they be keeping Phantom?” Twilight wondered.

“Why kill Roger Podacter?” Rarity questioned.

“And why can’t I get my exploding cupcake formula to work?” Pinkie asked herself.

A small monkey sat in the same position, as if mocking Ace for his own amusement.

Even later still, Ace paced while jumping up and down. The Pet Detective was trying ‘so hard’ to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey, likewise, jumped along the mantle.

“Alright!” He spoke determinedly. “Here we go! Answer’s right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!”

All the animals just watched him like he’s crazy.

<>

Eventually, the night turned to daybreak as Ace sat and stared at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. The man was totally spent, practically on the verge of tears. Most of the girls, Spike especially, had since fallen asleep… except for Twilight, who was wide awake going over a pile of notes.

“Oh no, that doesn’t add up,” She muttered. “What about… no. Or maybe… no, not that either. Urgh! What ‘is’ it?”

“Finkle and Einhorn…” Ace whimpered. “Einhorn and Finkle…”

He turned to see the monkey and the others crashed out in a heap on the sofa.

“Quitters…” He grumbled.

Wiggles jumped up onto the coffee table now. But Ace couldn’t be bothered with him.

“What do you want?” He asked irritated. “Huh? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food; I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don’t see any dolphins around here, do you?”

Wiggles whimpered at the tone of his voice, quickly hopping off before jumping up onto the coffee table and laid down. Ace slumped his head into his hands in defeat.

“Face it, it’s hopeless…” He whimpered, defeated. “Your master is a LOSER.”

“Don’t beat yourself up Ace,” Twilight told him. “There isn’t anyone who could do as much as you’ve done so far. You found the prime suspect, you determined the motive, you’ve basically solved the whole case and just don’t know it.”

Ace cracked a sarcastic smile as he looked toward Twilight.

“That’s all well and good Twilight,” He said sarcastically. “Why don’t I just pat myself on the freakin’ back for a job well ‘half’ done?!”

“Don’t get upset with me,” Twilight countered. “Especially to ‘us’, who have been ‘trying’ to help you ever since this whole case began? We’re the ones putting in the time for ‘your’ needs just as much as you put your time on ‘us’!”

Ace sighed as he slumped back onto the couch.

“I’m sorry,” He apologized. “I’m just so frustrated! The answer might be right in front of us, and we just aren’t seeing it. Maybe everyone was right; I am a loser.”

Twilight shook her head as she turned back toward her notes. However, as she did, something caught the corner of her eye as she slowly turned to the coffee table where Wiggles was laying. The way he laid, some of his fur covered the picture of Ray Finkle in a way that it almost made him look like…

It was then a lightbulb in Twilight’s head went off.

“LOO… HOO…”

“I’ve got it Ace!” Twilight interrupted loudly.

Her sudden outburst caused the rest of the team to wake from their slumber.

“What’s all the noise Twi?” Rainbow asked sleepily.

“I’ve figured it out!” Twilight responded.

“What?” Rarity asked, yawning.

“Why didn’t I think of it before? It all makes complete sense!”

“What are you talking about Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.

“Think about it,” Twilight answered. “That newspaper article said Lois Einhorn was lost while hiking a few years ago and yet she’s doing completely fine now. If she had ‘truly’ been found, why wouldn’t there be any news that she’d been found?”

“Uh… continuity error?” Pinkie shrugged.

“Not even just that… consider the fact Ray Finkle essentially hasn’t even existed since that article came out,” Twilight continued. “Not to mention Einhorn has bee trying to completely dissuade us from the entire case in general.”

Twilight approached the table where Wiggles laid, showing them all the picture of Finkle with the dog hair over it.

“Take a look at this picture. If you subtract the long hair, you can completely tell who you’re looking at. But add the hair… maybe a new look…”

Everyone took a long, hard look at the picture. All of a sudden, all eyes widened with realization.

“Oh… my… Faust!” Spike gasped.

“It can’t be!” Rainbow said bewildered.

“What the…” Ace wondered. “That’s it. That’s it!”

“Nope, I’m completely lost,” Pinkie giggled.

“Don’t you see Pinkie?” Twilight asked.

“Einhorn is Finkle!” Ace concluded. “Finkle is Einhorn! Einhorn is a man!”

Everyone looked toward Ace with a more sickened look on all their faces.

“Ace… didn’t ya say she done kissed ya?” Applejack pointed out.

Ace’s expression quickly turned sour as he realized what that meant.

“OH MY GOD!!!” He yelled. “EINHORN IS A MAN!!!”

Ace made a mad dash into the bathroom. Furiously he brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth with mouthwash, spat it out and gagged, and then burned all his clothes before hopping into the scalding shower. Slowly, he curled up into a ball under the steaming water, an expression of horror plastered on his face. From outside the bathroom, the Equestrians leaned against the door feeling sorry for the pet detective.

“You know girls… that’s ‘kind of’ similar to my experience when Pharynx tricked me into thinking he was Gabby,” Spike shuddered.

“Yeah… that joke is not going to age well in today’s media,” Pinkie shook her head.

Author's Note

One last chapter to go. Will they find Phantom Dragon and the others?

Cracking the Case

Author's Note

Be sure to send thanks to Mr Drama for his amazing work with helping me on this chapter. Also a thank you to everyone who gave us amazing quotes for this story.

Cracking the Case

Inside a house, a woman’s leg was being shaved. Then sexily, the woman proceeded to put on some nylons. Her hands squeezed along the perfume bulb, spritzing herself with the fragrant scent. A single hand positioned the AFC Championship ring over one finger… a single stone was missing.

<>

Later that same morning, following the shocking discovery the group made the night prior, they all sat together in Ace’s car. Currently, they were on a stakeout from outside Einhorn’s house waiting for Einhorn to emerge. The initial discovery that Lois Einhorn was actually Ray Finkle was most certainly a shocker for everyone. None perhaps more so than Ace Ventura himself.

The pet detective spent half the morning either throwing up, brushing his teeth, or scrubbing himself until he bled. However, regardless of the shock, the group knew that the only way to final solve this case was to catch Einhorn in the act. While they sat waiting, Ace stuck wads upon wads of gum into his mouth while watching the house like a hawk.

“Think you got enough gum there, Ace?” Rainbow asked.

“Nope…” Ace said, with his mouth full.

“Guess I don’t really blame you man. You did just find out that you kissed a maniacal transvestite. Not that there’s anything wrong with that or anything, but in your case… yeah, we can all understand. I mean after all—”

Applejack gently placed her hand over her marefriend’s mouth, preventing her from speaking further.

“Ah think ya done made yer point there hun,” She spoke.

At that moment, everyone noticed Einhorn emerging from her house and entering her car. As the car drove off, Ace spat his huge wad of gum into a giant wrapper before starting up the car.

“You’re gun is digging into my hip,” Ace grimaced. “Yeeeekkkk!”

“Oh get over it, Ace!” Spike groaned. “It happened. You already spent the entire morning cleaning yourself; I’m sure you’re fine now.”

“Let’s just follow her before we lose the trail,” Twilight informed.

Ace gave one final grimace at the memory before following behind Einhorn. The road was jammed in one direction; everyone was going towards the Super Bowl. All… except Einhorn, who drove in the opposite direction out of town. The gang tailed her from a safe distance, Ace’s head was out the window because… ‘of course’.

As this went on, various amounts of crazy fans piled into the stadium for the Super Bowl. Melissa, Bobby Riddle, and a bunch of guests were all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centered on the loss of Marino. Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops provided extra security for the box.

As the group followed Einhorn, driving further south out of town, they soon noticed the area was starting to become more desolate… remote even. Eventually, after turning down a deserted road, they followed Einhorn to a large, abandoned industrial facility at the docks. Einhorn parked her car and disappeared inside… a few beats later, Ace pulled the car up across the street.

“Well guys, I’m not exactly a betting man,” Ace informed them. “But if I was, I’d be willing to bet my nuts that your friend, Snowflake, and Marino are in there.”

“Ugh, seriously Ace?!” Rarity cringed in disgust. “Must you use such uncouth words?”

“Focus Rarity!” Twilight scolded lightly. “Does any pony have any idea how to get us in there undetected?”

Pinkie was the first to raise her hand high into the air.

“Oh! I know, I know, I know!” She said excitedly.

Then out of her hair, she pulled a sketch pad and pencil. Soon she began to draw out her plan as she explained to the baffled group.

“First, Ace strolls in disguised as a pizza delivery guy to deliver their pizza,” She explained. “While they’re distracted, Rainbow and Applejack will scale the building, ‘Die Hard’ style, and lower a rope for the rest of us to climb. Then Rarity uses her magic to cut a hole in the roof that we can all sneak in through. After that, we grab Phantom Dragon, Mr. Marino, and Snowflake and get them to safety. Then we bring Einhorn to justice, everyone is happy again, and we throw a huge celebration party with balloons, streamers, and pin the tail on the pony!”

She placed the sketch pad back in her hair and turned toward her friends with a huge smile, awaiting their reaction. To which they all just looked at her with such confusion. The only one who decided to speak up was Fluttershy.

“Well… that is certainly an… interesting idea,” She smiled awkwardly. “But I don’t think we have a pizza delivery outfit for Ace.”

“Aw pickles!” Pinkie pouted, with a snap of her fingers.

“Yeah, that’s what was wrong with the plan,” Rainbow scoffed.

“Anyone else got something?” Spike asked.

Everyone took a moment to think of a plan when suddenly Ace formed a devious smile on his face.

“Follow me,” He instructed.

Ace proceeded to sneak towards the industrial plant, singing the score to ‘Mission Impossible’ quietly. The rest of the group proceeded to follow behind him. They had no idea exactly what they were doing, but if it was going to help them rescue Snowflake, Phantom, and Dan Marino, then so be it.

<>

Ace and the Equestrians cautiously made their way through the desolate site, of immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons. They suddenly stopped when they heard the sound of legendary John Madden’s voice coming from a television.

“I particularly like the match-ups of the defense,” John’s voice said.

Ace and the others snuck forward a slight more before stumbling upon a strange sight: A giant T.V. projection screen turned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino was tied to a football tackling sled. Two thugs took turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time. Also tied to a tackling sled was none other than Phantom Dragon himself, though it was clear he’d seen better days. He had almost gone completely mad; his hair was wild as the west and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

“So that’s Phantom Dragon huh?” Rainbow commented quietly. “Not what I was expecting.”

“Were ya expecting him tah be taller or somethin’?” Applejack whispered sarcastically.

“No… just saner.”

“Will you two please hush up?!” Rarity scolded quietly.

“… But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it’s hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin’ himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna’ get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!...”

Marino stared incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake ‘watched’ from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

“Oh, the poor little dear,” Fluttershy whispered. “We have to find a way to rescue him.”

“We won’t rescue anyone once we’re caught because you were talking!” Spike warned.

Fluttershy squeaked quietly but shut up real quickly. On the television screen, inside the stadium, were various shots of fans standing at attention as Jon Bon Jovi performs the national anthem. Einhorn now stood in front of the big screen T.V., singing the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The two thugs, named Vinnie and Roc respectively, are behind her standing at attention. Eventually the song ends and the crowd cheers wildly.

In a sultry fashion, Einhorn circled Marino.

“I just love Super Bowl Sundy, don’t you, Dan?” She asked, sultry yet maliciously. “A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!”

“Look lady, if you want tickets, you’re going about it in the wrong way,” Dan groaned.

“Do I look familiar to you, Dan?” Einhorn asked him. “Does it seem as if we’ve met someplace before?”

“I don’t know… I get hit in the head a lot!” Marino responded seriously.

On the T.V., the ref made an announcement: The Eagles threw a tails off the coin toss to start the game and would receive. Dan was really struggling now.

“Oops. Looks like we’re going to have to kick, Dan,” Einhorn grinned. “Kick-off, my favorite part of the game.”

Einhorn stepped behind a football set up along a tree.

“Laces Out!” She growled.

And in perfect sync with the kicker on the T.V., she botted the ball through a window of the warehouse. Marino didn’t know what to think. Phantom Dragon… looked as though he wasn’t thinking at all.

“The Jabberwock whose eyes aflame, jaws that bite and claws that catch,” He muttered insanely. “Beware the Jabberwock my son, and the frumious Bandersnatch.”

Dan Marino just glanced at the crazed man beside him before Einhorn came back up and got in his face.

“I made some refreshments, Dan,” She said through grit teeth. “Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I’ll be right back, Daaaan!!”

All of a sudden, Einhorn quickly lunged forward and kissed Marino viciously before pulling back and walking off. Marino just shook his head as she left, quickly looking over at the two hired goons.

“Look, I don’t know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it,” He offered.

“Sorry, Danny boy,” Vinnie chuckled. “Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.”

Vinnie grabbed a feeder fish and enticed Snowflake to the surface. Roc raised a football.

“Hey, Marino, check it out,” He spoke in amusement. “I’m throwin’ passes to a Dolphin!”

He chucked the ball and struck Snowflake… hard. The two thugs laughed hysterically while Fluttershy was practically seething in her hiding spot.

“Why those good for nothing… scumbags!” She whispered.

She immediately slapped both hands over her mouth, unable to believe she had just said that. Snowflake made an angry leap and drenched the thugs. This caused the Equestrians and Ace to giggle from their hiding place. Suffice the say, the thugs were furious.

“Get some more fish!” Vinnie ordered angrily.

Roc walked off to another part of the facility and Ace grew a big smirk on his face.

“Now we divide and conquer,” He smirked. “I’ll go take care of the big dumb guy and his little friend while you guys go and save the others.”

“Ooh, ooh, can I come with you Ace?” Pinkie asked with glee.

“Sure, why not?” Ace nodded. “Let’s do this thing!”

The girls and Spike nodded in agreement, as Ace and Pinkie snuck off to deal with the thugs. Roc walked behind a big piece of machinery, reaching down for the pail of smelts… only to spot nothing.

“Where the hell’s the smelts?” He asked irritated.

He stood up straight and they hear that familiar *POP!* of a sunflower seed cracked open. Roc’s eyes widened as he turned and saw Ace coyly smiling at him, then blew the sunflower shells into his face and *CLANG!*. He whacked Roc in the head with a pailful of fish.

“BANZAAAAAAIIIIII!”

Roc’s eyes widened as a wild, pink haired girl and landed on the goon’s stomach with a belly flop. The force of the impact made the man release a wide gasp of air, his eyes went wide, and then he fell into unconsciousness as the girl picked herself casually off the goon and brushed off some dust off her clothes.

“You always were a crack shot for landing a crockpot on a crackpot, little pink buddy!” Ace smirked.

“Try saying that 3 times fast…” Pinkie replied, facing the camera.

“He slept with the fishes,” Ace spoke, in a Brando impersonation.

Having heard both the sound of the bucket and a gasp of air, Vinnie grabbed and cocked his gun as he slowly started towards where his partner had gone.

“Hey Roc, what the hell was that?” He called out nervously.

Vinnie rounded the corner, only to find nothing. Walking a slight further, he noticed a trail of smelts lined along the ground. He followed the trail around a corner, and spotted Roc, unconscious and moaning. He sat against the ground, his legs spread apart, and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts lead straight to his… crotch. One was halfway into his zipper, its tail flipping. Vinnie took in this sight, then rushed over to Roc and helped him stand up.

“Hey man! What happened? What’s goin’ on…?”

Just then, a light tapping upon his shoulder made him turn around quickly. Before his very eyes, Pinkie Pie sat behind him with the biggest smile on her face.

“What the hell is this?” He asked Roc.

“Hi mister, I was just wondering something,” Pinkie spoke innocently. “Can you do… this?”

Pinkie then proceeded to stick out her tongue wide and spun it about like helicopter blades. The motion actually lifted her slightly off the ground, much to the amazement of the thugs, before finally dropping back down and giving a ‘ta-da’ stance.

“What was that supposed to be?” Roc asked, confused.

“That my dear goon is what I call… a distraction,” Pinkie giggled.

Her eyes turned up slightly toward Ace, who stood at the top of a giant machine. The Pet Detective took aim with a 200-pound steel hook, which hung on a chain from the ceiling.

“Guess what, boys, it’s nap time!” Ace smirked.

Ace gently released the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turned to look, the iron hook sheared both their heads clean off. Two headless bodies fell to the ground, in slow motion, blood gushed out of their necks. Some of which splattered onto Pinkie’s face, her eyes widened with shock and horror.

“Holy… fried… twinkies!!!” Pinkie shouted.

Bursting from their hiding spaces, Twilight Sparkle and her friends stood before the headless bodies of the fallen goons. They looked down upon the bleeding corpses upon their feet.

“Oh my Faust!” Rarity gasped, facing Ace. “What in Celestia’s good name did you do to these men?”

“I didn’t mean to—” Ace stammered, horrified. “Oh man!!!”

Ace held his hand and danced about; the man was completely freaking out for what he had done. He turned his head up to the ceiling, as if looking toward God.

“Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!” Ace prayed, then pondered. “Is that murder? I don’t know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn’t… but they tried. That’s self-defense. That’s it!! I have nothing to worry about—”

“Would you get down here already!” Spike called out.

“Right!”

<>

A short while later, Ace Ventura and the Equestrians regrouped on the floor of the Ironworks Factory. Ace nervously whistled while wiping his fingerprints off the hook.

“Oh sure… that’s going to help,” Rainbow muttered sarcastically.

In the meantime, Fluttershy approached the tank to check up on Snowflake, who greeted her with a clicking noise.

“Don’t worry Snowflake, you’re in good hands,” Fluttershy cooed. “We’ll have you out of here in no time.”

As Fluttershy comforted Snowflake, Ace Venture approached Dan Marino. He gave a signal for Dan to keep quiet, then began to untie him. Spike and the others proceeded to help Phantom-Dragon out of his bonds.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Phantom Dragon darling,” Rarity assured. “We’re here to bail you out of this mess.”

“What took you so long?” Phantom Dragon muttered.

“Who are you?” Marino whispered.

“Ace Ventura,” Ace whispered. “Pet Detective… and associates.”

“Hey, big fans!” Rainbow replied casually. “We’ve been sent here to deliver a very special play.”

“That’s a fancy way of naming a rescue,” Applejack remarked.

“Okay girls… and Spike,” Ace began. “Time for the Quarterback sneak—”

*CLICK!*

“Penalty. Too many men on the field.”

The group froze in place and collectively turned around, slowly. Einhorn stood before them, holding a gun just from the other side of Snowflake’s tank.

“Well… what do you know?” Einhorn smirked. “The benchwarmers of the Dolphin’s cheerleading bootcamp. I warned you about interfering in this case… especially you, Ventura.”

“What happened to ‘Ace’?” Ace asked innocently.

“Good question… now, what to do with all of you?”

“It’s over Einhorn!” Twilight warned. “We know your dirty little secret; you won’t get away with this.”

“Oh… I already have. And you’re one to talk about keeping secrets, aren’t you… Twilight Sparkle?”

She proceeded to pull out the cellular phone and proceeded to dial a number.

“Be careful with that phone, lieutenant,” Ace spoke up. “We wouldn’t want you to get a tumor.”

“Seriously, Ace…” Spike groaned.

“Sergeant Aguado, it’s Lt. Einhorn,” Einhorn spoke through the phone. “Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I’ve got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It’s Ace Ventura. He’s killed Marino and Snowflake.”

Einhorn smiled, as she placed the phone away.

“I think you forgot to mention… our names?” Pinkie pointed out. “We are eyewitnesses!”

“Oh… I’ve got special plans in store for all of you,” Einhorn replied. “What happens next will be worse than the fate of that idiot Pet Detective!”

“I’m standing right here!” Ace pointed out.

“Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!” Einhorn called out.

A very guilty impression formed upon Ace’s face, while some of the group whistled innocently and Pinkie not-so-subtly tried to wipe off a speck of blood off her cheek.

“Um… who?” Pinkie asked innocently.

“You mean there’s other people here?” Ace asked innocently.

“Twilight… we do remember that we still outnumber this psycho, right?” Spike pointed out quietly.

“One wrong move and Einhorn might pull the trigger before we can act,” Twilight warned. “We have to plan carefully.”

“… My heroes,” Phantom Dragon uttered, dazedly.

<>

Meanwhile, at the police station, a battalion of cop cars screeched away toward the ironworks factory.

“Attention all units,” The radio dispatch announced. “Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…”

<>

In the owner’s box of Bobby Riddle stadium, the cops and Emilio heard the dispatch through their ear pieces.

“… Suspect’s name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian,” The dispatch continued. “He is armed and dangerous…”

“It’s Ace,” Emilio nudged Melissa. “Let’s go.”

Through the hallways, Emilio was high tailing out of there as fast as he could. The officer dodged concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc. Melissa raced behind him, trying her best to catch up.

“Emilio, is he in trouble?” Melissa asked, breathlessly.

“Don’t worry, there’s nothing Ace can’t handle!” Emilio assured Melissa. “And besides, he’s got his own back-up. How much trouble can he get into?

<>

Back at the Ironworks factory, Einhorn cocked her gun toward the group’s direction. While the majority of the Equestrians stood bravely in the face of danger… the faces of Ace and Pinkie glistened with tears. For lack of better terms, they were a complete wreck.

“PLEASE! Please don’t kill me sir—I mean ma’am, I mean—they?” Pinkie blubbered, like a baby. “I got a mother… I’ve got a father… I’ve got a husband… and I have three sisters!”

“We’ll never tell anyone, I swear!” Ace cried, pointing to Dan Marino. “He’s who you want! Kill him!”

“Ace?!” The Equestrians shouted.

“No, no! Kill him!” Dan replied.

“DUDE!” Spike frowned.

“Kill him!” Ave Ventura spat.

“Kill him!” Ace and Dan pointed at P.D.

“WHAT?!” Phantom-Dragon cried, in outrage. “NO! Don’t kill me! I’m just a victim of circumstance!”

“He’s the detective!” Dan gestured to Ace.

“He’s the witness!” Ace pointed at P.D.

“I’ve got a wife!” Phantom-Dragon screamed in desperation.

“He held the ball, remember?” Ace pointed back at Dan. “Come on, look at him!”

Having grown impatient, Einhorn fired a shot in the air, and the three men immediately shut up.

“Crybaby!” Dan mocked Ace.

“Jack!” Ace spat.

“Wimp.”

“Musclehead.”

“Overrated comedian,” Phantom-Dragon added.

“Shut up, Doc!” Ace spat.

“I… AM… NOT… A DOCTOR!!!”

“Shut up!” Einhorn shouted.

“You’re messing with powers far beyond your control,” Twilight warned Einhorn. “Even you aren’t insane enough to know who you’re dealing with.”

“I spent a fraction of my life trapped with the worst scum of the state,” Einhorn remarked. “Nothing would surprise me.”

Twilight Sparkle looked around toward all her friends surrounding her, then once more faced Einhorn. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and proceeded to conjure the magic within. Their frames started to glow and after a brief flash of light, where a group of girls and a teen boy once stood… ponies and a dragon took their place. Einhorn was a slight surprised, yet still kept the gun on them. Even Marino couldn’t believe it himself.

“You’re… ponies?” Einhorn spoke slowly. “And a dragon?”

“You were right before about us being strangers here,” Twilight spoke up. “You’ve got your secrets; we have ours.”

“And we’re here to stop you’re insane vendetta against the Dolphins,” Rainbow added. “Oh… and to rescue our friend too.”

All heads turned toward where Phantom-Dragon sat tied up, only now he was no longer in human form… but his pony form.

“Surprise!” Phantom-Dragon spoke meekly.

“Now we know each other’s secrets,” Applejack pointed out. “What’re you gonna do to us now; kill us?”

“No… I’m gonna kill the dolphin first,” Einhorn retorted, facing the group. “I wouldn’t want you to miss that.”

Einhorn walked to the edge of the tank and proceeded to take aim toward Snowflake.

“NOOO….!!!”

*BANG!*

The gun fired a shot… only it missed Snowflake… yet the bullet didn’t even hit the water. Einhorn was pounced to the ground by one of the ponies… and surprisingly, it was Fluttershy out of the entire group.

“I won’t let you hurt, Snowflake!!!” Fluttershy shouted, her eyes flaming.

“Whoa…!” Rainbow reeled back.

“Oh, you’ve done it now…” Spike added.

“Why you little…” Einhorn snarled.

Einhorn shoved the yellow Pegasus off her and Fluttershy proceeded to fly wildly. Einhorn took aim at her fun and proceeded to fire again. *BANG! BANG! BANG!* But with every shot she fired, Einhorn missed… surprisingly Fluttershy was flying much faster than her friends usually saw in their friend. But knowing that even Fluttershy couldn’t keep this up for long, the group knew they had to act fast.

Suddenly…

“Blue forty-two!!” Ace hollered.

Einhorn turned toward Ace.

“SHUT UP!!” Einhorn shouted.

“BLUE FORTY-TWO!!” Ace responded.

Einhorn shot towards Ace, who quickly dove out of the way. Rarity squeaked and ducked, as the bullet barely sent a piece of her mane flying.

“HEY! WATCH THE MANE!!!” Rarity shouted.

“HUT! HUT!” Ace shouted.

Suddenly, Snowflake leapt out of the water and took the gun out of Einhorn’s hand, much like a trick from earlier. Snowflake swam about the pool with the gun in his mouth.

“Yes. The highly trained dolphin,” Ace remarked smugly. “Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom.”

“Fun facts, hot shot,” Pinkie added. “Snowflake knows exactly what we needed him to do, as if our minds are somehow in complete synchronization.”

“They have been known to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.”

“Come here, Snowflake! Give Auntie Pinkie the gun!”

Pinkie Pie proceeded to make dolphin noises, with Ace Ventura joining in. Much like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swam around the tank, passed the pair, then handed the gun back to Einhorn. He finished with a tail wink.

“Why that stupid fish…” Rainbow muttered, under her breath.

“He’s not a fish!” Fluttershy called out. “He’s an aquatic mammal; big difference!”

On the television, the Miami kicker proceeded to boot a perfect field goal from fifty yards away.

“He got all of his leg into that one!” John Madden announced.

The field goal kicker was hugged by his teammates, as the group watched the scene.

“Good to see someone who doesn’t buckle under the pressure?” Ace asked Einhorn.

“Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…” Marino added.

“You blame all your problems on Marino all those years,” Spike pointed out. “You refuse to take responsibility for your own game.”

Einhorn merely walked toward Ace and put the gun against his head.

“What would you know about pressure?” Einhorn sneered.

“Well, I’ve kissed a man,” Ace answered.

“We can vouch on that one,” Rainbow nodded quickly.

“Of course, there’s never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard ‘round the world…” John Madden announced.

The famous footage aired on T.V., and all eyes turned to watch.

“… I mean, it’s clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.”

“The laces weren’t out,” Einhorn growled. “THE LACES WEREN’T OUT!!”

Einhorn took a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden’s forehead. Ace used this moment to smack the gun out of her hand. Soon the Equestrians became witnesses to a huge, no-holds-barred fight. Ace and Einhorn punched each other about, in the face and toward the stomach. One punch from Einhorn, and Ace was sent tumbling down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leapt toward and tackled her. They both crashed into some old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. While they were busy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash struggled to untie the bonds off Phantom-Dragon’s hooves while Spike was working on Marino’s knots. Einhorn kicked Ace, sending him flying towards Marino.

“Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?” Marino asked sarcastically.

“You don’t understand,” Ace gasped, out of breath.

“It’s a funny story actually,” Spike added. “You see, she’s actually—”

*WHAM!*

A single fist from Einhorn sent Spike reeling backward and he clutched his forehead, groaning in pain.

“SPIKEY-WIKEY!!!” Rarity wailed, rushing towards him.

Einhorn proceeded to grab Ace, throwing him into a headlock and began wailing on his face. Twilight was about to aim her horn for a good shot at Einhorn, when a shadow briefly caught her eyes. Twilight looked up and her expression widened.

Cops started to arrive, SWAT team members dispersed onto the catwalk as the fight continued… appearing just as Twilight and her group reverted back into human forms (Even Phantom-Dragon). They tried but couldn’t get a bead on Ace as the two rolled around the floor throwing more punches. They took their fight upon a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn were slugging it out as equals. Aguado just caught up with the cops, just in time to see the fight commence.

“Get him, Lois!” Aguado shouted.

“I really don’t like that jerk!” Rainbow groaned.

Soon the pair crashed through a plate glass window together. Ace got to his knees first and wobbled toward the gun. By now it was the first clear shot the SWAT team had.

“Shoot him! Shoot him!” Einhorn screamed.

The guns cocked one by one. Ace was just within the rifle sights. All fingers twitch on the triggers.

“No wait!” Twilight called out. “WAIT!”

“DON’T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!”

All eyes turned as Emilio appeared, clutched under the hold of… Melissa! Surprisingly, she had a gun under his chin.

“Put down your guns or this cop gets it!” Melissa shouted.

The SWAT team hesitated at first, even the Equestrians were confused by this display.

“She wouldn’t—” Rarity spoke, while comforting Spike.

“I mean it!!” Melissa shouted, cocking the gun.

“She would…” Applejack grimaced.

“Ah… Melissa? That’s a hair trigger,” Emilio whispered, then loudly. “She’s not joking!”

The SWAT team leader signaled his men, then they proceeded to lower their guns. Einhorn got back to her feet.

“He kidnapped Snowflake,” Einhorn accused. “He killed Roger Podacter, and now he and his followers were about to kill Dan Marino and me!”

“Kill… Dan Marino?” Spike spoke dizzily. “I barely even know him…”

“Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun!” Ace remarked. “But I find the reference section much more enlightening.”

“For instance, if you were to look up ‘professional football’s all time bonehead plays’,” Pinkie began, ala Clarence Darrow. “You might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.”

“What you wouldn’t read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!” Ace concluded in one breath.

Ace gasped for air, as Pinkie stood beside him patting his back. To suggest that everyone was totally confused was an understatement.

“What they hell are you trying to say?” Aguado asked incredulously.

“She’s not Lois Einhorn!” Twilight spoke up. “She’s Ray Finkle, the former Dolphins kicker.”

“She’s lying!” Einhorn yelled. “Shoot them!”

“Let’s just see who’s lying,” Ace spoke, approaching Einhorn. “Would a real woman have to wear one of these?”

Ace dramatically tugged Einhorn’s hair, thinking it were a wig. Einhorn’s head flew back; the hair was real. Ace kept tugging it. All the while, the SWAT team readied themselves again.

“Wow… that’s really on there!” Pinkie remarked.

“But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!” Ace continued.

Ace ripped open Einhorn’s blouse, revealing two beautiful breasts. Twilight and her friends slapped their foreheads in embarrassment. The sharpshooters were tensing. Ace laughed nervously now.

“Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend!” Ace replied. “But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!”

Ace ripped off Einhorn’s skirt. Einhorn now stood there fully nude… sort of. And yet, she appeared to own the perfect figure of a woman.

“This is just painful to watch…” Spike moaned.

“Ooh boy…” Ace gasped.

Ace faced Melissa and Emilio and shrugged his shoulders. Then, just when it seemed all was lost, Dan Marino, who was back behind Einhorn, motioned for Ace to come over.

“Psst… Ace!” Marino whispered. “Kids… come here!”

“Could you excuse me just a second,” Ace informed everyone.

Ace and the Equestrians approached Dan, while Melissa still held Emilio hostage.

“Shoot them,” Einhorn ordered. “Shoot them, now!!”

“Don’t anybody make a move!” Melissa warned the cops.

Marino whispered something in Ace’s ear, while gesturing his head to the group. The group slowly turned their eyes, and their faces went wide… the answer suddenly clear. Ace, meanwhile, looked confident again. Once more, he addressed the crowd.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention,” Ace informed everyone. “Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!”

Ace spun Einhorn around now, exposing to the world… a healthy set of male genitalia… that Finkle learned to keep tucked between his legs. Everyone gasped at the sight, all the cops started to spit with disgust. Then Emilio spat… and Marino spat. Proving that all of them had kissed her/him/it… even Snowflake blew his spout. The girls and Spike tried to hold back their lunch just to keep themselves from hurling.

Finally, Finkle dropped the façade.

“It was Marino’s fault,” Finkle spoke, in a deeper voice. “The laces were in… they were IN!!!”

“It’s over, Finkle!” Twilight spoke. “All your plots… all your follies… they’re all exposed!”

“In more ways than one you wacked out fraud!” Rainbow smirked.

“… You’re the frauds!” Finkle growled, pointing accusingly. “They… are the phonies! They’re magical ponies! I’ve seen them talk! Them… and their little dragon friend too!”

“And you guys always tell me I’m cuckoo for coconuts!” Pinkie giggled, whistling. “One ticket aboard the ‘loco’ motion boys!”

“Somebody read it its rights,” Ace added, cracking a sunflower seed.

And low and behold… Lois’s plan… Finkle’s plan… foiled by the stupid detective and those colorful ponies playing dress-up. A plot which they’ve been planning for years: Exact revenge on Dan Marino… foiled. All completely spoiled, but… they weren’t going down just yet. If they fell, Ace and the meddling ponies… and the dragon… they’d be joining them. They picked up a sharp piece of broken glass and raced towards the pet detective, ready to stab him through the heart.

“DIE ANIMAL BOOOOOOYYYY!!!” She screamed.

The girls and Spike quickly took notice of the raging woman and just what she was about to do.

“ACE!!! LOOK OUT!!!” Twilight shouted.

“Quick decision!” Ace declared, calmly yet cheerfully.

Ace proceeded to grab the killer by the waist and hurled them head first into the frigid water of Snowflake’s tank. The others sighed with relief knowing Ace was safe. After a few seconds, Finkle’s heard emerged from the water, spitting some out from their mouth as they fought and thrashed their way around the surface, helplessly.

“Help, I can’t swim!!!” Finkle gasped for air.

Finkle went under again, sinking to the depths below. Snowflake swam toward them, allowing Finkle to grab onto his fin and pulled Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle laid there completely exhausted. Soon, Ace stepped on their right hand and removed the ’82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle’s finger, a ring with the missing stone. Ace replaced it with the stone in his pocket, which fit perfectly… before kicking Finkle in the face.

“I WOULD’VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU MEDDLING PET DETECTIVE AND YOUR FILTHY COLORED RATS!!!” Finkle shouted.

Snowflake then proceeded to kick the football from the water, which landed on Finkle’s head and gave them such a splitting headache. Fluttershy hovered toward the dazed criminal.

“Snowflake just wanted you to know we’re not rats…” Fluttershy corrected.

Then in a flash, much to the astonishment of the SWAT team and police, the girls and their friends reverted back to their Equestrian forms.

“We… are… ponies!” Twilight concluded.

“And dragon!” Spike added.

“Nice one dude!” Rainbow Dash smiled, high fiving the dolphin.

“AAAAAAAAA LOOOOSSEER!!!” Ace spoke mockingly. “LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERRR HERR!!!”

“Case of the Missing Dolphin… CLOSED BABY!!!” Rainbow exclaimed excitedly.

“Also murder and kidnapping case closed as well,” Rarity added.

“Either way, ah’m glad we done got it done with!” Applejack sighed with relief.

“Boy, I can’t even begin to tell you how great it feels to have my head back on straight again,” Phantom Dragon spoke, with relief.

Meanwhile, Melissa still held the gun against Emilio’s head.

“Melissa… you can give me back my gun now,” He told her nervously.

As a matter of fact, Melissa had quite forgotten she even had the gun. She proceeded to hand it to Emilio and fainted in his arms. Now Aguado appeared beside Ace and the others.

“So it’s true…” Aguado spoke. “You really are talking ponies… and a dragon.”

“What do you want now Aguado?” Spike asked. “More insults now that you know the truth?”

“Nah…” Aguado shook his head. “Actually, I wanted to apologize to all of you. I really misjudged you, all of you.

“You were acting like a real big grumpy meanie pants,” Pinkie responded.

“I know, but you all proved me wrong. I don’t know how you did it, Ventura… but what you and your team did… that was damn good police work.”

“Thank you Mr. Aguado,” Fluttershy thanked him. “We may have gotten off on the wrong hoof before, but I’m glad we’re finally on a good one.”

Fluttershy reached out her hoof to which Aguado happily accepted with a handshake. One by one, all the others shook his hand before he turned back toward his fellow officers.

“Alright guys, let’s wrap this up!” He called out.

The police proceeded to lead Einhorn (And what was left of her goons) out of the facility, locking them in the back of the police car as the group watched in satisfaction.

“Glad to finally see that creep taken down,” Phantom Dragon commented. “Holding me hostage in this place for days… I just about lost my freaking mind.”

“From where we ere standing dude, looks like you didlose your mind,” Rainbow told him.

“You couldn’t just play along for a second, could you?”

“Not really, no.”

Then Marino looked down at the watch on his wrist and realized just what time it was.

“Ah crap!” He exclaimed. “Halftime is almost over. If I don’t get to the stadium soon, we might just lose the Super Bowl.”

“Need a lift, Dan?” Ace asked, gesturing to his car.

Everyone proceeded to hop in the car, with Marino And Ace up front. They all proceeded to drive down the highway with a police escort. Twenty or more police cars in single file providing more than ample escort for the group in Ace’s Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both Ace and Marino had their heads sticking out so they could see. Marino had a wad of gum in his mouth.

“Hey, Ace?” Marino called out.

“Yeah, Dan?” Ace responded.

“Got any more gum?”

“That’s none of your damn business and I would appreciate it if you stayed out of my personal affairs.”

<>

At the stadium, the Super Bowl Halftime show was in process. Marino stood in uniform, warming up for the game. Emilio drooled over the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa stood near the fifty-yard line taking in the awesome spectacle. Some fireworks went off around the tank, while a marching band played a triumphant tune.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show… Snowflake!!!” The announcer proclaimed.

Down in his tank, Snowflake was happy to be back to his home once more and really excited to perform his halftime trick. Helping him out was none other than Fluttershy, in pony form, offering him some smelts and affectionate head rubs before he kicked a field goal. The crowd goes wild. And as they roared, Melissa turned toward Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kissed.

As they kiss, the prized ‘White Pigeon’ landed on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spotted it and started to make a move. Just as he closed in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot walked up for a drink and shooed the pigeon away. This infuriated Ace…

“You idiot!” He yelled. “Do you know what you’ve done?!”

The giant eagle head looked toward Ace.

“Huh?” He spoke confused.

“You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!” Ace seethed.

“Yeah, blow me!” The mascot responded.

“REE-HEE-HEE-HEELYYY?!!!”

Ace then shoved the mascot, who in turn shoved him right back. Soon all hell broke loose as Ace threw a massive punch which sent them into a brawl across the sidelines. Ace tackled the mascot to the ground and proceeded to pound on him as the girls and Spike watched from the side.

“Oh it is on now!” Rainbow commented.

“Shouldn’t we step in and stop them?” Rarity suggested.

“Nah, ah think that there feller had it coming,” Applejack shook her head.

“Hey guys, check it out!” Pinkie smiled, pointing up.

Everyone looked up toward the fight now taking place on the jumbo screen for all to see. Melissa, the girls, and Spike couldn’t help but chuckle at the display.

“The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake. A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!”

Having heard his name being yelled out to the field, Ace put a halt on his beatdown of the mascot and smiled happily for the camera. Eventually, he finally got off the mascot and walked back toward his group of friends and his girlfriend.

“Dang Ace, you really put a hurting on bird brain over there,” Spike chuckled.

“That’s what happens when you cost me twenty-five grand,” Ace replied.

Just then, a sudden wind picked up and soon the crystal portal back to Equestria opened up. Everyone looked on in shock, except for the ‘Mane Six’ and Spike.

“It’s time to go,” Twilight pointed out.

“Aww, but I thought we’d stay for the rest of the game!” Rainbow pouted.

“Come along darlin’,” Applejack smirked. “If we leave now, we might be able to have time for a little game of our own…”

“… SEE YA SUCKERS!!!”

Rainbow raced for the portal with Applejack close behind. The rest of he group walked toward the portal, just as Ace approached to offer one final farewell.

“I’ll miss you guys, especially you, Pinkster,” He told Pinkie. “Never thought about having a partner in my detective work, but I might have reconsidered if it was you.”

“Yeah, that would’ve been so fun,” Pinkie replied. “But I’ve got a family to get back to.”

She reaches into her mane, pulls out a locket and shows him a picture of her, Cheese Sandwich, and their son.

“Oh my gosh, your son’s adorable!” Ace smiled. “And your hubby plays the accordion?! You got the coolest family, Pinkie! Say, if ya ever come back, you have to bring ‘em along next time! Just imagine the four of us on a case!”

“NOPE!” Twilight yelled.

Twilight grabbed Pinkie with her magic and floated her back over to the others.

“The multiverse is in enough danger as it is!” She said. “Let’s go home!”

With that, the group quickly made their way through the portal and back to Equestria where they belong. No matter what they thought about their time in this world, one thing was for sure:

This had been some of the most fun they’ve ever had.

<>

Meanwhile, outside the stadium, the woman in black from earlier stood in the parking lot looking towards the stadium. Suddenly, another figure walked up beside her. A man wearing a dark leather jacket with a matching dark look etched on his face.

“Did you send them the warning?” The man asked.

“Indeed I did,” The woman replied. “Soon enough, the sands of time will run out and all worlds will be judged for their sins.”

The man gave a low chuckle as he placed an arm around the shrouded woman.

“Doomsday is upon us…”

The End…?