Isn't That Cute... BUT IT'S WRONG!
Isn't That Cute... BUT IT'S WRONG!
Author's Note
(This is the seventh piece of super garbage that I wrote to amuse myself.)
A little kernel of inspiration brought this popcorn into being. Not much else to say about it.
Isn't That Cute... BUT IT'S WRONG!
Twilight Sparkle was at the market early one morning, appraising some cabbage, when she heard someone shout, "Hey! Purple Pony Reader!"
Recognizing the voice, she rolled her eyes and looked down the street, where she saw Anon running toward her, wearing nothing save his boxers. He wasn't running very fast or well, however, because he had to do it while crouching, due to the fact that one of his legs was now a pony's, albeit one without fur. In addition to that, his two arms were now the forelegs of a pony as well, and his ears had migrated a bit upward and had undergone a similar transformation into equinehood.
When he got close enough to start slowing down, he stumbled and fell upon his face at her hooves. "@#$%!"
Seeing his remaining human leg become a pony leg, she shook her head and tiredly said, "Anon, I've told you to not refer to me that way."
"What do you mean?" Anon said, as he raised his head and looked up at her innocently. "'Hey' is for ponies, isn't it?"
Twilight Sparkle gave him a half-lidded stare.
"Never mind that!" Anon suddenly exclaimed before struggling to get onto his hooves, which became marginally easier once he realized that he no longer had any human limbs. "Ever since I woke up this morning, I can't say stuff like @#$% or @#$% without getting censored," his dark hair became a mane and a tail shot out of his backside, "and each time that happens a part of my body becomes a @#$%ing pony's!"
Cocking an eyebrow, Twilight Sparkle watched his skin become covered in a green coat before dryly suggesting, "Have you ever considered, I don't know, not swearing?"
Anon looked at her as if she had said something unbelievably dumb. "Have you ever considered never reading a book ever again?" Not waiting for an answer, he added, "I didn't @#$%ing think so."
Absently noticing his torso change into a pony's, Twilight Sparkle sighed and said, "Well, if you want the spell to be broken, you have to go a full day without swearing. Otherwise, you'll keep changing until you become a cute pony."
Eyes widening in horror, Anon yelled, "Are you @#$%ing serious!?" His nose and mouth became a muzzle. "I'll never be able to do that!"
"Maybe next time you'll think twice before hollowing out one of my favorite books and putting a glitter bomb in it," came Twilight Sparkle's unsympathetic response. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to get all of the glitter out of my wings, and how irritated it made them?"
"I just wanted to see you sparkle," Anon defended himself unrepentantly. "Besides, I only knew that Celestia's Guide to the Solar System was one of your favorite books — and thus one you'd read sooner rather than later — because of how worn it was, despite how well you preserve your books. I mean, Jesus @#$%ing Christ." His eyes became much bigger. "Do you know how @#$%ing creepy that level of obsession is?" His head reshaped into a pony's. "If anything, you should be thanking me, 'cause that @#$% can't be healthy."
Losing her patience, and some of her composure, Twilight Sparkle turned away from Anon, who had become a complete pony after his neck changed, picked a cabbage and gave the vendor a few more bits than it was worth. "I don't know why I even try to reason with you."
Completely misreading the response and thinking he'd outwitted her, Anon became hopeful and asked, "So you'll remove the spell you put on me?"
Twilight Sparkle suppressed the urge to vocally express her aggravation before turning away from him and walking away.
"Sheesh," Anon muttered. "What a sore loser."
An hour later found Twilight Sparkle lying on her bed while enjoying one of her other favorite books, The Unbridled History of Princess Celestia, which she held above her in her magic while she lay on her back. She had just gotten to the part where the princess went to Prance and met Queen Mare Luncheonette, the one who made cakes so delicious that the princess had been hooked ever since.
She was so invested in that part of the princess' history, to the extent that her cheeks were flush and breathing labored, that she did not catch the sound of running hoofsteps as they became louder and louder. So it came as a surprise when the door to her room was suddenly slammed open, making her scream, jolt, and accidentally launch her book through a window and toward the distant horizon.
"Eggplant head!" The intruder yelled, obviously panicked. "My @#$%'s gone! How could you be so @#$%ing cruel!?"
If not for the nickname and censored words, Twilight Sparkle wouldn't have known who the mare with the robin egg blue coat and pastel pink hair was, but she became certain of their identity when their eye color changed to a warm, sunshine yellow and their muzzle became more rounded and less pronounced. "Anon?"
"Who the @#$% else would I be!?" Anon screeched, before her height notably decreased. "This is what you @#$%ing wanted, isn't it!?"
Twilight Sparkle hopped off of her bed and cautiously approached the upset human-turned-mare, whose physique became more curvy and svelte. With her brow furrowed, she replied, "Actually, I thought you were finished changing when we parted ways earlier."
"So you made a mistake?" Anon said, who didn't take long to find an angle that she could use with that information. "Then you better do the right thing and fix this bull@#$%!"
After Twilight Sparkle watched her become several years younger, she absently said, "Yeah, sure..." She stroked her chin while looking at Anon thoughtfully, making her priorities evident when she continued and spoke to herself. "But why are you still changing? You should have stopped when you became a pony." A look of realization bloomed on her face. "Unless..."
"I don't @#$%ing care!" Anon declared, who became younger still, now appearing to be no older than a young teen. "Just change me back, @#$% it all!"
With a teasing smile, Twilight Sparkle suggested, "Can I do it after we see how cute you can get?"
"@#$% no!" Anon immediately rebuffed, becoming a pre-teen filly. "No one will think I'm a cool bad@#$% again if they see me like this!"
"No pony thought that description fit you to begin with," Twilight Sparkle thought to herself. Regardless, she was about to relent and release the spell, but she paused when she saw Anon's next change.
Anon paused as well when she felt where the next change took place, and her eyes went wide when she saw that she now had a pair of wings. Not wanting to miss out on an opportunity to fly, she excitedly exclaimed, "Hold on," before turning her attention to Twilight Sparkle. "Change me back after I try these bad boys out, okay? Walking on clouds that one time was pretty cool, but no way can it beat flying!"
Seeing nothing wrong with that, Twilight Sparkle sat on her haunches and watched as Anon began to flutter her dainty wings. Within seconds she was in the air, and in no time she was buzzing around the room with a big smile on her face, totally forgetting that she had an audience. Said audience momentarily allowed the fact that the flying filly was actually an obnoxious, patience-testing human, who also happened to have a foul mouth, to slip her mind as she looked on fondly.
It wasn't long before Twilight Sparkle was reminded of that fact, however, when Anon squealed, "@#$% yeah!" A small horn poked through her mane. "This is so @#$%ing awesome!" Her hair became a voluminous mass of springy curls, whose weight and movement was enough for her to notice, and slowed to a hover in response. "What the @#$% happened to my hair?"
While Anon was undergoing a more widespread yet subtle change that increased her overall cuteness, Twilight Sparkle's attention was riveted to the new horn, which effectively made her an alicorn. While she could understand the unintended vagueness of the spell's goal making more changes than expected, she never would have expected her spell being capable of that. Surely the horn was just decorative...
Still, just to be on the safe side, since she didn't even want to contemplate a scenario where Anon had the power of an alicorn and was unhappy about being one, she pointedly suggested, "Perhaps you'd like to have the spell dispelled now?"
"Might as well," Anon sighed, clearly disappointed about cutting her flying experience short as she came to a somewhat graceful landing. "But, man, that was the @#$%! I'll have to bother you to—"
While Anon paused to investigate the strange sensation on her flanks, Twilight Sparkle's eyes widened in shock as she saw light and energy beginning to emit there from a familiar source of magic, one that every pony was connected to. It was then that she realized how it would be possible to become an alicorn, when there was a spell that built upon a certain quality until it not only became the most defining one for the individual, but exceptionally so in comparison to others.
Anon was clearly confused and alarmed when the building magic surrounded her in a bright aura and lifted her from the floor, who was unable to say much because now she couldn't even make a sound when she swore, and it certainly seemed like she was trying to swear a lot. Twilight Sparkle's motive for trying to cancel her spell was certainly mixed, and would likely be ineffectual, but she tried anyway... and sent an apologetic look to Anon when it did nothing to stop what was happening.
There was a bright flash, which Twilight Sparkle barely managed to shield her eyes from with a wing. A few seconds later she lowered her wing and watched a dazed Anon slowly drifting back down to the floor as the aura around her faded away to nothing. After moving closer to her, she looked down at her flank and saw that her cutie mark was a fancy tea cup on a saucer, which had a Q-shaped handle and a question mark-shaped wisp of glittery steam above the unseen brew.
Anon groaned as she rubbed the spot between her closed eyes, which she soon opened and focused on Twilight Sparkle as she asked, "What the hay happened?" Her brow scrunched in confusion, which looked really cute. "The hay?" Her eyes widened in alarm. "Sugar! Fudge nuggets! Dingleberry!" She began to hyperventilate. "What is this horse-pucky! Now I'm saying silly-willy words!?"
Twilight Sparkle, feeling guilty about what happened, awkwardly laid a hoof on her shoulder and smiled weakly as she said, "It's going to be okay, Anon... You just became an alicorn and got your cutie mark, that's all."
"That's all?" Anon echoed, finding Twilight Sparkle's attempt at calming and comforting her very unconvincing, which worked to a small degree only because it quickly reminded her of who she should be angry at. Swatting at the princess' hoof, which was removed by its owner instead of from the force of the blow, she yelled, "If that's all, then change me back into a human dude, dagnabbit!"
Rubbing the back of her head sheepishly, Twilight Sparkle replied, "Uh... Can you wait until I can figure out how to do that?"
Anon puffed out her cheeks cutely before her rage exploded, whereupon she leapt into the air and kept herself aloft with her wings as she tried to pummel Twilight Sparkle's noggin, who ducked under a foreleg to avoid the harmless assault. "You big, dumb, stinky, poopy head!"
"I'm really sorry, Anon!" Twilight Sparkle sincerely apologized. "It was an honest mistake! I'll do all I can to change you back and make it up to you!"
Ceasing her limb-flailing, Anon flew back a bit with a sniffle, tear tracks clear on her cheeks. "You mean it?"
Unable to help herself, Twilight Sparkle reached out for the cute alicorn filly and drew her into a hug without resistance. "I promise. I'll even ask for Princess Celestia's help right away, alright?"
"And you'll take care of me?" Anon inquired, with large, imploring eyes.
"Of course," Twilight Sparkle readily agreed, so overwhelmed by Anon's pitiful and cute expression that she totally forgot who she was talking to as she hugged her again. "You can stay and eat here, and I'll be available if you need any help."
Tucked beneath her chin once more, where she couldn't see Anon, said pony grinned evilly, which looked too cute to be sinister, and rubbed her forehooves together in anticipation. Not only would she see to it that Twilight Sparkle made everything up to her, but she totally intended to use her cuteness to pull more pranks, now that she'd seen someone vulnerable to it.
She giggled with glee at the thought, which should have been a dark chuckle. She frowned after she heard it, and had a feeling that she was pouting cutely instead.
"Fiddlesticks!"