How to only look forward (not diagonal)
Cozy Glow’s attention was diverted for just a second…
And suddenly, she found herself not forcibly gazing at the picturesque surroundings of the Canterlotian Gardens anymore.
H-Huh? I mean, any change of scenery is good I suppose after decades staring at the same neglected hedge maze, but why now? And what’s with all these squares…?
She wasn’t wrong. There were sixty-four of them in total, and from her vantage point in the corner she could see each one was a distinct shade of black or white.
Tirek and Miss Chrysalis also seem to have gone, but at least I’m not alone. There’s a nice horsie nearby for me to talk to! Hi there, friend! What’s your name… wait. I still can’t move!
If Cozy thought that being transported to this weird chequered board-like structure would afford her more freedom, she was sorely mistaken. She was just as paralysed as before.
It ain’t fair. Just when things are starting to look up, I’m still in this torpid state of total inertia. At least in the old gardens, I could see my two buddies were just as miserable as me. But here…
Cozy glanced beyond her equally static equine companion, seeing nothing but featureless pawns. Why a valuable piece like her shared living space with these losers, who can say.
Hang on. Did I just refer to myself as a ‘piece’? Why does my head feel so bumpy? Since when do I have an ‘hourglass’ figure? How age-inappropriate! What is going on around here? Answer me, you pointy-hatted old fool!
The ‘fool’ Cozy was currently remonstrating stood proudly two squares to her left, obviously too busy praying to respond to such blatant rudeness. She was about to get really upset, when...
Aha, what’s that I spy with my beady eye? Right in the central squares: that’s a power couple if ever I saw one! The size of those crowns… if I can curry favour with those eccentric royals, freedom will be mine!
Alas, the aristocrats Cozy referred to there remained blissfully unaware of her existence, and now a bigger problem began to emerge. The horse adjacent to her unexpectedly jumped up, and left her all alone.
Hey, I didn’t give you permission to leave! How impolite… and there I was about to give you a pivotal role in my plans for world domination. You can forget it now, selfish idio… Golly! What’s happening?
Without any further warning, the previously motionless figurines became alive. First, a few of the ‘useless’ pawns inched forward. Afterwards, the religious zealot sidled off diagonally, no doubt on some hapless crusade. Then…
Whoosh, guess it’s my turn. And joys of joys, it looks like I’m getting to meet his Highness! It’s a true pleasure, your majest… hey! Don’t just nudge past me like that! You didn’t even give me chance to manipulate you yet! Grr!
Cozy now stood in the middle of an unappealing aristocratic sandwich, with a king to her right and a queen to her left. Neither paid her the slightest bit of attention though, and this grated with Cozy far more than she was prepared to admit.
Fine then. I’ll escape from this bizarre flat prison all on my own. I don’t need the help of some stuffy royals either, Cozy Glow: Empress Of Friendship is the only title that matters. Now, for a cunning little plan…
Glancing all around once more, it was increasingly clear that the previously peaceful milieu was quickly turning into a bloodbath. Pawns were being picked off one-by-one, The bishop was about to say his last rites, and the horsie…
Ha! Serves you right for pretending I don’t exist! That’s you out of the ‘game’, and I hope your twin brother follows you off to Tartarus soon enough. It looks like the competition is thinning out, this might be my chance to make a run for it.
Less concerned with defeating the opposition that were presently crushing her ‘side’ than escaping, Cozy Glow waited patiently for a gap to appear in the enemy lines that she could nip through.
It’s such a pain that I can only trot horizontally or vertically though, it’s like I’ve got blinkers on or something. Why can’t I be one of those queenie thingies, who seem to have the ability to move wherever they want?
As if in answer to her question, one of the ‘useless’ pawns from the other team breezed past her uninterested self to reach the exact spot where she’d begun… and was promptly promoted into one of the aforementioned senior royals.
W-What the? But I was always taught you had to be born with undeserved privilege, or at least betray and slaughter a whole bunch of other creatures to become Queen! All I ever had to do was just cross the street? Why does nopony tell me these things?!
She reasoned that if a meagre pawn could become a mighty ruler (hopefully not a king though, who noticeably only staggered drunkenly forward one space at random) by carrying out this simple ritual, then an infinitely more valuable piece like her might become a goddess!
Or, something.
This is it. The sea of carved imbeciles is parting, and I have a clear run into the endzone. Take that, fate! Now I’ve got here at last, this monochrome world of miniature mannequins will be mine for the taking! Bwhaha… oh no!
Cozy realised too late that her designated position of ‘rook’ had no special bonus for crossing over, at the same time the pawn-turned-queen on the other side moved eight diagonal squares to occupy her spot.
Unfortunately, this meant it was ‘Game Over’... though luckily her abject failure at achieving her evil goal was somepony else’s fault.
No, really. For once it wasn’t just a lame excuse to make her fragile ego feel better.
Wonder of wonders.
………………………………..
“Checkmate! Another game, sister dear?”
“You know you’re just going to beat me again, Luna. After all, you practiced speed chess every day of the thousand cycles you were on the moon, whereas my skill is comparable to that of my… umm…”
“The word is ‘acting’, Celestia. Don’t worry, Twilight told me everything. It’s nothing to be ashamed of: you ought to see what a klutz I am at Twister!”
“Be that as it may Luna, I still see no reason why I should squander my precious retirement playing a game I have no aptitude for. Now if you don’t mind, I have some begonias in the backyard that need a bit of sprucing up.”
“Tell you what Celestia, we'll make it interesting. This time, I’ll have that castle piece with the impetuous squirt’s face on, you can use that withered old centaur king…”
“Tirek will be glad to hear you say that sis, but he’s actually more of a ‘lord’.”
“Whatever, Celestia. We’ll toss for the deposed changeling ‘queen’... unless the fact she no longer holds that position offends. What do you say? Double, or quitsies!”
“Okay Luna, fine. But this time, we won’t wipe their memories afterwards. Who knows… they might learn something, and this could work as a new efficient method of punishment followed by rehabilitation!”
“Yeah, I hope it all works out. So, what do you wanna be, Celestia? White, or black?”
“White, sis. I’m always white.”
“Ha, ha, ha. That joke never gets old, Celestia. Seriously.”
Author's Note
Hope you enjoyed that slight slice of strangeness. More soon, of something maybe a little more down-to-earth... 
