We all go through grief and loss at some point in our lives...
The night I learned that my brother was dead was, and will be, the worst of my life. I am certain that nothing will ever compare to this pain. Losing him has been the most painful experience imaginable. The death of my only brother left me with an open wound that will never heal. It's a feeling like having to continue on with life, with only half a heart. Nothing I do in this moment, aside from hurting myself or others, is wrong. I screamed the word 'no' for hours until my voice was gone.
I've always wondered how would it be after someone died, would it be peaceful? Or would it be painful? There are those people on TV who claim they've came back to life, and know everything about it. But I still didn't get any answers. Oh well...
Somehow I realized when I got myself to bed that this was the first night I would not awaken at 2 AM, wondering where my brother was. Exhausted and mentally and physically sick, I fell asleep for 10 hours, and did not even turn over.
I just sat alone in an empty white room. The light from the morning sun gave the room the light it needed, it was like somehow God tried to cheer me up with His creation. Sadly, I wasn't in the mood. Whether He wanted me to smile or help me from the feelings I had, I didn't seem to care. I did was just a staring contest with the wall in front of me. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to think about it anymore. My brain was tired beyond all reason. It used to think of something ridiculously funny or just being a total asshole. But after my brother's death, it couldn't think of anything. Not even cheer me up with those random shits it somehow could give me whenever I was sad. But I believe it too tired from all the grieves and loses and challenges that has been given to me for this past months. My eyes were sure heavy as hell. I could feel the bags under my eyes, but I couldn't get to sleep. All of this... it made me sick. Honestly, I once really thought about ending my life. With letting this cancer spread back throughout my body and took control of me until I couldn't give a damn about life anymore. But I know, my parents didn't want me to die like that. Or at least giving up. I know my brother would tell me the same thing too. He always told me to stay strong. Stay positive.
As I look at my surroundings, now... without him... it seemed... very empty. But I could still hear his voices when he read the story for me. I could still see his silhouette, sitting on the chair next to me, sleeping, waiting for me to get up. Good ol' days eh?
Three knocks disturbed me from my thoughts as I stare at the door in annoyance; but confused at the same time. Usually, the nurse or doctor would just came in to the room without even knocking. Eh, maybe a visitor right?
"Come in." I said while looking at the door.
The door opened ever so slowly, as if whose behind it was very shy to come inside. I waited patiently until the door opened to reveal the person behind it. No. Pony behind it. There, standing on the doorway, was the most adorable pony I have ever seen. I know what it was, no... who she was. But my brain was just turning on its system for the answers for this situation. Is it really her? I blinked several times, but the image was still the same. She clearly was standing on the doorway, with a soft smile from her lips, looking directly at my eyes. I rub my eyes one more time, but she was still there!
Brain.exe not found
Oh great
"Hey." The purple alicorn said as sweet as possible. I just stare at her. For real I just stared at that pony. What else could I do anyway. No way I'm going to jump out of the window. Let alone the window, I couldn't even walk. I was so sure it was just a dream until I did something I regret. I pinched my arm so hard, only to yelp from the pain. She looked at me with confusion and concern in her eyes, I could tell. She waited patiently at the doorway, waiting for my response.
Not wanting to be rude, I decided to reply, "H-hey." I internally cursed to myself of how sore my throat was.
She closed the door behind her with her magic and trot over to me, still giving me that smile that somehow managed to make my heart relax for a bit. She stood next to my bed, still looking at me. When I just stared at her, she decided to say something but I cut her off.
"Why are you even here?"
She looked at me in confusion when I asked that. Tilting her head to the side, she answered, "You need help, right?"
I frowned upon hearing those words. I looked away from her and sigh. "No, I don't need any help."
She placed a hoof on my left arm, looking at me with concern. "You sure? 'Cause I don't think so."
"How the hell do you know that I need it?" I asked, turning my head to see her in the eyes. "And how are you so sure that I need any help?"
She shook her head slightly. "That doesn't matter. Please, you need help."
I raised an eyebrow. Not wanting to make things sense anymore, I looked away again. "Why the hell you want to help me anyway?" I asked, my emotions were starting to flood again as I could feel tears in the corner of my eyes.
Don't cry you pathetic fuck
Yeah, I have to convince her that I'm okay. I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems. Let alone a pony from God knows where like her. So why the hell would she travel to this planet to just make me comfortable again?
"Because you need it. I know what you have gone through. I've seen it all. And I'm here to help you to get through it."
That's it. Lo and behold, I couldn't hold the tears any longer. Looking away from her, tears starting to made their way down my cheeks. I hate to admit it, but I cried. Fuck, I cried. I seriously didn't want to think any of it. But that she was here, she made me to remember all of the things that I've lost. My parents, my brother. I couldn't blame her though, she just wanted to help. And by letting out my emotions to someone else is a way to get better. It's a small step, but better in any way. I placed my hands to cover my face as I cried harder.
"Hey, hey," Twilight rubbed her hoof back and forth on my arm, "It's okay... let it all out."
I couldn't fight back the tears. Damn, I wish I could. They just keep flowing down my cheeks as I sob into my hands, hoping that something would just end this all for me. Everything was hollow. Everything. I then felt a wing wrapped around my shoulders. Pulling me close to her, Twilight let me leaned on her.
"You don't have to talk about it. Just know that I'm here for you." She said as she continued to rub my arm and pull me closer to her. Finally, after what felt like hours, the tears finally stop. God, my eyes.
Through my sobs, I could only choke one word to her. "Thanks..."
She smiles warmly at me. Though, I still feel this isn't over yet. Cause when she leaves, I could only sense one thing that's always present in this room. Alone. I don't want to be alone. But when it comes with the virus, everyone is too scared to go outside. Even if they want to. I put my both hands on my thigh and stare blankly at the ceiling. Wondering what next activity will be. Though, I already know the answer. Eat, sleep, cry, repeat.
Twilight notices my expression as she looks at my face, then to my lap. Slowly as to not hurt my sore body, she climbs onto my lap, sitting on it. I didn't notice it at first until she begins to nuzzle my chest. I look down at this tiny pastel pony, who is pressing her cheek deeper onto my chest. The warmth she's giving me makes me feel... safe. Makes me feel more comfortable than before. On their own accord, my arms instinctively wrap around her. Pulling her close to me, I sob quietly. Her fur is so soft, it's better than this bed sheet. She doesn't protest, instead, she nuzzle the crook of my neck and let out a satisfying sigh.
I don't know how long I sit here with her. Minutes? Hours? Frankly, I don't even care. Her soft fur, her warmth, her steady breath somehow makes my pain and grief vanish slowly. I wish I could be like this forever. Finally, I stop sobbing. But I'm still trying to calm myself down.
"Oh, Twilight," I manage to speak up, feeling a bit guilty for her. "I'm so-"
She cut me off by putting her foreleg on my lips. "Shh... no need."
I hold her hoof and bring it away so I can speak. "But... why? Why you travel all way to here? Don't you have an important mission right now instead of this?"
She chuckles adorably. "This is my mission silly. To help you feel happy." I look at her as she gives me that warm smile again. "Don't worry, you may think that you're alone. That your family had passed away, leaving you all alone. But when you cry all night, I'll make sure to be here for you. I'll rearrange my schedule and sleep here with you so you don't feel lonely anymore. How's that?"
I couldn't believe what I've just heard. All this times, only my brother that came to visit. But when he's gone, no one came anymore. No one even bother except for the doctors and the nurses. They always tried to cheer me up but to no avail. But this alicorn right here, she's showing it from her heart. Truly, from her heart. I pull her close again, cherish every moment of me being with her.
"Yes, yes, of course you can come here. Any time." I say as a tear manage to make it's way down my left cheek. But I know this isn't a tear that all those nights I cried. No. This is tear of joy. Finally, from all those days, I can feel hope rise again inside me. I have found a spark that I've been searching for so long. I have found a friend that truly care about me. And here she is. Her name, is Twilight Sparkle. And I will never, ever, lose a friend like this.
"Lay down." She says with caring tone. I comply, I slowly lay on my side; my back is pressing against her. The lavender alicorn get hold of the sheets with her magic and wrap them around the both of us, using her wings as she wriggle herself into me so that I'm cocoon within her embrace.
It is really astounding to know that somewhere out there, there is some world full of colorful magical talking equines. Somehow with the technology or magic to interdimensional travel. All of it seem too good to be true, but then I realise something. It's 7:32 AM and I'm shock that I'm able to read the clock. Without even realising, I had done a reality check, this is real, all of this is really happening!
Her little lavender paws are wrapping around my chest, her tail coil between my legs gently stroking them with a swishing motion. I feel her wet button nose touch my back, and it is really cute. Another tear begin to fell from my eyes as I smile happily, I had never felt so loved in all of my life if I may honest. The warmth that was created between us is perfectly incredible, her soft silky fur caressing my skin, making my insides turn to mush. But this is unfair, so I turn around from I once assumed spooning position to bring her into the folks of my arms, something about her give me the sense that even Princesses need a special cuddle too, and she definitely seems to like this. A lot.
I begin to pat her head and scratch behind her ears, she lets out this adorable little purring sound as I gently rub the back of her head and down her mane, the whole motion flowing perfectly in time. All of the aches and pains from before have been completely replaced with a ball of fluffy snuggles and purring ecstasy. For the first time in my life, this is the most blissful moment I have ever been. The little alicorn let out soft little licks of my hand, her ears twitching every now and then in a playful manner.
"Thank you, Twilight... thank you." I say as I pull her even close. She proceed her licks on the crook of my neck and nuzzle it. I feel my eyes are heavier than before. With a yawn, I put my head on her mane and close my eyes for the blissful slumber. Because I know, if she's nowhere to be found tomorrow, she'll always come back for me. Keeping me company when I was feeling lonely. Because I knew, a true friend, would never leave their friends alone.
Before I fell asleep under her wings, I could hear her said a few words very calmly and motherly. "Sweet dreams."
We will not get over our grief, we will not go through our grief. Our grief becomes part of who we are. Living with the pain slowly becomes the new normal. If we are lucky we will find a counselor or a support system that will keep us safe and moving forward. Over a period of time which is different for everyone, the pain softens and becomes a room in our heart. The door to this room must stay open. We must visit it and work with it regularly. If we shut the door, the pain may leak out in unexpected and unhealthy ways.
We all have opinions on the worst days, the best days, the best and worst years on this path. Unquestionably the anniversary of our loved one's death is the worst day of the year. It is good to plan the day - a ritual of candles and family (which I don't have anymore), a walk in nature, placing flowers, something that acknowledges in a meaningful way the transition. You will find a way.
This is for you, brother...
In loving memory of
MorningShield
20 April 2000 - 29 July 2020
May God have mercy on your soul
Author's Note
Approximately:
Writing time: 2 hours 10 minutes
Editing time: 15 minutes
As I write this, it has been two weeks since my brother died. I do not go a week without tears. Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner, cause I really had a lot of things in my mind. There is a place inside me that carries the weight of a headstone. But I am stronger for it. And occasionally now I find moments of joy. And I'm happy to be here. On this site, where my friends truly care about me. Even though I can't see you guys in person, at least I know your spirits are here with me. And I'm happy for that. Thank you guys... Thank you...
Also, if you don't mind me adding this music, you can listen to it. This one always makes my heart at ease.
