The Basement

by PoniWryter

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Anthology, Narcotics, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sex
Length: 4130

If the Gallery contained my best stories, then the Basement is where the dark things go.

If the Gallery contained my best stories, then the Basement is where the dark things go.

A collection of short stories, panic fictions, and other things that did not pass my curation list for publishing. Enjoy this series of rather incoherent ramblings, dotted by the occasional comedy that just didn't make the cut.

Most of these were written for the Quills & Sofas Speedwriting group. Feel free to join us! As always, a huge thank you to every writer there who have given me the support I needed - here's to a hundred more stories, and a hundred more panics.

Published 2020-08-10 17:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-10 17:50:00 UTC

PANIC: Assassination via Cuisine

“Ooooh, that was veery tasty!”

Pinkie Pie set the plate down on the table with a loud clang, and then licked her lips in pure satisfaction. “You guys are incredible chefs! More - give me more!”

Wing looked to her partner - the patisserie, chef of this… seven course meal, and expert on unorthodox assassination methods - and glared at her.

Horn looked to her partner - master planner, con-artist, trickster, and all-around charismatic infiltrator - and glared back with even more intensity.

“One second, please, Miss.” With that, Horn dragged Wing by the hoof and stormed back into the kitchen. The door slammed shut with a satisfying thud.

The moment the door closed, Horn and Wing immediately let go of their shapeshifted forms. Wing hissed at Horn, but her expression was interrupted by a chitinous hoof to the neck. The back of her head hit the wall as she was pinned back against a kitchen counter.

“Wing! What the hell?!” Horn’s hoof put more pressure onto her changeling friend. “How have you not killed her yet?”

“Well, what should I do? I didn’t think she could eat over three kilograms worth of sugar and icing!” Wing slapped the oppressive hoof aside, and then made her way to the disastrous array of pots and pans, huffing all the while. “You see this? The pans are all glued with sugar! It’s so damn sticky I could call it glue-cose! If you think that dish wasn’t enough to kill a pony, then you’re so wrong. I’ve killed an entire hall of ponies with a third of what we’ve served!”

“Ohhh, Queen Chrysalis will be super mad at you.”

Wing drove her hoof across the occupied stovetop, sending the pans crashing onto the floor. “Well, she’s not here, is she - so let’s just try ONE more dish.”

“We’re out of pans.”

Wing looked back to glare at Horn before realizing that she was right. With a groan, she whizzed around the room, looking for more cooking apparati. All she could find was a single non-stick skillet.

“Here. This will do.” She tossed the pan onto the stovetop, then set it to max heat. “What ingredients do we have left?”

Horn looked into the bag that they brought with them - the ‘patisserie assasination’ bag, as Wing loved to call it. “We…’re out of cyanide, we’re out of icing, we’re out of flour. We have… a kilo of lemon left, along with some instant pancake batter, and we have mayo.”

“Mayo?”

“Yeah. Mayo, ketchup, basil.” Horn looked at the only chef in the room, and said, “I don’t think you can cook anything with this.”

Wing looked back and raised her eyebrow. “Oh, is that a challenge?” A devilish smirk crept up her face.

Horn shrugged. “Nothing else we’ve made has killed her. You think this last one is gonna work? Let’s just give up, Wing.”

“No. What did we try last time, again?”

“A cyanide-laced, soy-sauce-filled omelette with a medium rare steak marinated in pool ammonia and Hoofalette dry wine. Topped with two kilograms of icing. Yeah, two. That’s like, six cans or something.”

Wing shook her head. “Okay. One more time. Let’s make the most horrific dish imaginable.”

With wings buzzing and hooves deftly moving, she brought up the pony burger patties, the mayo, the ketchup, the lemon, and the sugar, all onto the kitchen island. “We… are going to make something so horrific, Pinkie will die - not of indigestion or poisoning, mind you - but of pure shock.”

“Yeaaaah, if the last four dishes hadn’t shocked her, I find it hard to believe this one will.”

Wing hummed as she cooked, using the sound of her voice and the sizzling on the pan to ignore her partner’s disturbingly unsupportive voice. She was annoyed. No, enraged, even. Actually - peeved might be the most extreme word she could use to describe her current situation. Nopony else had ever failed to buckle down and die under her concoctions, and after the first three proper(ly poisonous) dishes were promptly ignored, she had already lost all inhibition.

With a dash of magic from her horn, Wing finished the dish. “Ta-dah,” she said, presenting it onto a platter in front of Horn.

“WING! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”

“Oh! This is my ‘I-give-up’ dish. It’s a pony burger patty with a nice mayo filling,-”

“-what the hell-”

“-served alongside lemon pancakes dipped in soy sauce, chili oil, and dressed in even more mayo-”

“-what the fu-”

“-and, to top it all off, it’s got basil dressing with ketchup on the side and non-scented cleaning detergent-”

“WING. This isn’t even FOOD.”

Wing chuckled. “Oh, I know. It’s not meant to be.” Her ears perked up, and then, quickly, “Shapeshift back,” she added.

The door slammed open to reveal a rather excited Pinkie Pie. She looked delighted to see the two ponies in this room, but more importantly - she looked at the poison on the platter like a predator did to its prey.

“Thanks, girls. I’ll take it from here!” With that, she took the plate by the hoof, and swallowed it all down.

Horn and Wing’s jaws dropped. “Wh- wh- what- how?!”

“Oh, girls, you’re all so silly!” The pink pony picked up a pan.

“HORN!”

Wing reached out to push her partner away, but already, the pan was too swift. A solid hit to Horn’s head knocked her out.

“You sick… creature! What the hell are you?!”

“I should ask that to you, silly! I know you’re changelings!”

Wing’s jaw dropped. Again. “You- you-”

“Oh, and I asked Twilight to add a catalyzer spell into my stomach. I can process anything I eat for a full day now!”

The pink pony, pan in hoof, moved closer.

“Soooo… I’m like, really really really energized right now.”

The circular shadow of a non-stick skillet moved over Wing’s head, and Wing could only cower in response.

“Will you stay here and cook for me?”

PANIC: Cocktail Attack!

“Rarity, this is not the place to be asking for cocktails.”

Indeed it wasn’t. The interior of Donut Joe Jr.’s emporium of delicious donuts was all but silent, as the children, families, and strangers milling about stopped to observe the unkempt mare demanding for cocktails in a family establishment.

Rarity didn’t care. She glared at Twilight, milkshake mug in hoof, and then slammed down the cup on the counter with a bang. “I can have a cocktail anywhere and anytime I want, Daaarliiing~”

“Rarity, what’s gotten into you?” Twilight grabbed her friend by the shoulder and pulled her off the barstools. “Last week you were complaining that alcoholism was a plague-”

“Oh, it most certainly isssh-”

“You’re hammered right now. And we’re supposed to be meeting with the Council of Friendship in thirty minutes!”

“OH! That’s greaaat.” Rarity tripped onto the tiled floor, and then hobbled out of the establishment. “Joe Jr. wouldn’t serve me a Moskva Mule - I’ll just ask… Aaaaplejack for some of her haaard cider-”

The cold wind of midnight Canterlot struck Rarity dead center, and suddenly she could feel something bubbling up.

“Oh, dear - Twiliiiight?~ I think I’m, uh… a little unsettled right now. Would you please - ugh - step to the right a little bit-”

Twilight did not have enough time to process what came next, nor could she dodge the incoming projectile.

“Oh, so you’re saying you’re better at the dishes, eh, Applejack?”

“Yes, Dash, ‘ah am. And ‘ah can betcha three hundred bits-”

BANG. The door slammed open.

“Twiliiiiight, please. I’m fiiine.”

Applejack looked left to face the interruption. The two mares’ jaws gaped open as they found their old friend in the Princess’ telekinetic grip.

“Uh, Twi? Care to explain what’s goin’ on?”

With a thud, Rarity fell onto the ground. Twilight’s horn stopped glowing, and immediately the scowl on her face concerned the other mares in the room.

Her eyes narrowed, and immediately the air in the room dropped thirty degrees. Celsius.

“Which one of you challenged Sandbar and Yona to a drink-off?”

“Twi, you don’t have to use the Royal Canterlot Voice on us-”

Her glare stiffened. “Oh, really? After dragging an extremely hammered, completely unsalvageable mare through the streets of Canterlot? Befitting of a Princess, don’t you think?”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, sheepish grin and wide eyes locked in a silent panic. “Ah…”

“Oh, Applejack, you must tell Sandbar that his cocktails are just… wonderfulll. Thank you for showing him your incredible drinks.”

Applejack let the red on her cheeks respond for her.

“And Raaainbow Daash! Daarling, you and Yona have such great tolerance. I really envy you.”

Rainbow’s wings suddenly stood on guard, ready to lift her away from this disaster.

“Oh, most certainly~, Darling. When I saw the four of you truly enjoying yourselves in the Canterlot Boutique, well - I felt - I feltttt, aaaaaah.” She stopped for a moment to think. “Jealous.”

Twilight’s face softened for a moment. “Rarity, the reason they don’t ever want you drinking with them is because…”

“Hm? Because whaaat, Darling~?”

“Because-”

“Because you’re a lightweight, Rares!” Rainbow Dash’s hoarse voice cut through the throne room’s air.

“I’m a whaaat? A lightweight?! Oh, you can’t most certainly think I’m light~”

“Ah, Rarity? Ya can’t even stand up straight after a margarita. And ya ain’t supposed to get drunk after… a cocktail.” Applejack sheepishly raised her hoof to her head, trying to hide the blush. “Ya… really don’t remember what happened, didya?”

“What? What happened?”

“The night you found us drinking in the Boutique’s lounge room? The morning after?” Dash facehoofed. “You really don’t, do you.”

Rarity cocked her head sideways. “Well, I most certainly don’t-”

She stopped.

Her eyes shrunk and widened.

If she could glow brighter than metal after a furnace heating, then she was doing so right then and there.

“Oh. That’s why I was drinking the morning away.”

With that, fair lady Rarity, mare of only the most polite, fashionable, prim and proper, fainted upon remembering the sad truth of her non-existent tolerance - that she could never enjoy a good, simple drink.

And that she could be a particularly sultry mare come alcohol.

With a thud, her body registered its last movement for the night.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Is there anyone else with a bedroom story strong enough to jeopardize a council meeting?”

The Princess is Dead!

The Princess is Dead!

“Okay. So… you're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today,” Spike began. “I know it’s not every day that I personally convene the Council of Friendship, but… this is particularly important.”

To his front, sat around the round table, were the five heroines of the Twilight Era. Or… at least, just their seats, for now. Only Rarity and Fluttershy had arrived in a timely manner. They sat in their respective chairs.

The white, purple-haired mare smiled at her old friend as she opened her backpack. “That’s no problem, darling. I received the letter, I came as fast as I could.” She pulled a piece of parchment out to show it to the group. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Our pleasure, Spike.” Fluttershy nodded with her in agreement. “Where’s Twilight, Spike? And where are the rest? I feel awfully sorry that only we could make it in time.”

“Well - well, no problem! Yeah… uh.” Spike scratched his head and sheepishly smiled. “This is going to sound terrible, but - actually, let me answer the second question first.”

“The others are late, and Twilight is… gone.”

Fluttershy raised her eyebrow. “What do you mean, gone?”

“Yes, darling. Do explain, please.”

Spike stood silent for a moment, then cleared his throat. “Ehm. Well… uh. Twilight is, in her own words… dead.”

Rarity dropped her backpack. “TWILIGHT IS DEAD?”

The silent look of horror on the two mare’s’ faces made Spike even more anxious.

“Ah… yes? But wait, it’s not as bad as it-”

Rarity leapt up and went straight for Spike. “And you didn’t bother to include it in the LETTER you sent?!” Her horn glowed, and the dragon found himself rooted to the ground, unable to move his arms or legs.

“No, no! It’s- it’s- well, she’s “technically alive but stuck someplace else” is what her note saidshe left me, and I really, really don’t-”

“So she’s not dead? Oh, dear Celestia!” The tears that were about to roll down Fluttershy’s cheek promptly stopped. “You had me so worried! Why tell us she was dead?”

“Let me explain!” Spike forcefully pushed his limbs out to break Rarity’s telekinetic grip, and he fell to the floor, panting. “Well, that’s what… - ugh, Rarity, your magic is strong - that’s what she left me in her note that she placed in her bedroom!”

Fluttershy cocked her head, more confused than shocked. “So she says she’s dead, but she isn’t dead?”

“No! She wrote in her note something about ‘temporarily dead in the event of accident X with the Necrosphere’-thingy yadda yadda, I can’t remember.” The dragon turned to look at Rarity, who was now standing on the round table, slightly hyperventilating. “And of course I couldn’t say ‘she died’ in the letter, that would cause a royal panic! I had to wait for you guys to come here.”

“Wait. How did she die?”

“There’s this weird machine in her room and I have no idea what it does. I think that’s what… uh, ‘killed’ her.”

“Well, come on then!” Rarity leapt past Spike and ran off, Fluttershy trailing behind her. “Let’s go to her bedroom!”

“Waaait, wait wait wait up!”

The guards gawked in confusion as they watched the hulking dragon chase after the two Element Bearers. Rarity bucked down the doors to Twilight’s room, and it swiftly opened with a bang.

“Hey, be careful!” Spike shouted out. “Canterlot Castle stuff isn’t cheap- woah, hey.”

The machine in the center of Twilight’s bedroom glowed and rattled. It was a giant, mechanical steel orb, orbited by a good number of concentric steel rings with runes sketched all over. The entire contraption was elevated by a pedestal, and a large circular rune on the floor marked the device’s limits. The deep purple light coming out of the whole setup turned the room gloomy, as did the closed curtains blocking out the sun.

“It… uh, wasn’t doing that this morning.”

Rarity gaped at the sight of the device’s violent shuddering, and then looked back. “Spike!” she called out over the racket. “How does this thing work?”

“I- I don’t know, how am I supposed to know?”

Fluttershy grabbed Spike by the ear. “Spike. Listen very carefully.” She pulled his face with her other hoof, and then stared at him point-blank. “Do you have any idea what this thing does?”

“Well, uh, it sucks things up?”

“That’s NOT particularly helpful, Spike!” Rarity turned around and approached him. “Where was that note that you spoke of? The one Twilight left you? Surely she would have left some instructions or a further message?”

“It, uh…” Spike looked left and right, then back at the two. “It got sucked up?”

“Spike. Seriously.” Rarity planted her hoof on her face. “What happened?”

“Well, I was reading it, and… It had instructions, yes. Instructions to convene the Council just in case she got sucked in and went ‘temporarily dead’. But I don’t know what she wrote next! The paper got sucked in, too!”

“Ugh, Spiiiiikey-wikey!” Rarity lit up her horn. “No problem - I’ll just shoot down this device the old-fashioned way, and maybe Twilight will come out then!”

Fluttershy raised her eyebrows at that. “Um… Rarity? I’m not so sure that’s such a-”

“Don’t worry, Darling. I’ve got this.” With that, she fully charged her horn and sent out a beam of light straight into the contraption. It struck dead-center, and the machine stopped its violent reverberations.

A violet visage started to fade in.

“Twilight!”

“See, Fluttershy? Everything went just dandy.”

“Uuugh… that hurt.” The phantom slowly opened her eyes, rubbing her hoof on her temples in pain. “Ouch… Spike? Is that you?”

“Twilight! You’re back!”

A disembodied gasp echoed through the room. “I’m- I’m… what? I’m- oh, no. Oh, no no no no no.”

The orb contraption began spinning again - this time, more violently. Fluttershy pointed her hoof at the machine.

“Uh… girls?”

“Rarity, what did you do?!”

“What? What do you mean, what did I do?!”

“Only Unicorn magic could be eliciting such a response! Did you not- ugh, Spike?!”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Did you not read the NOTE I put on my desk JUST FOR YOU?!”

“I tried! But the machine sucked the note in!”

“Girls! The machine!”

Phantom Twilight heard Fluttershy call out, then looked back at her contraption. She groaned. “Ugh! Of course it did. Now it’s going to suck you two up, too!”

“It’s going to- what?!”

A purple glow began to encase Fluttershy and Rarity. “Spike? Twilight, Darling? What’s going on?! I can’t move!” The two mares began to shout and scream, flailing their hooves in the air as the machine moved them closer.

The phantom turned to look at Spike. “Spike, listen very carefully!”

“Okay!”

“Whatever you do, do NOT- aaah!”

A flash.

Spike shielded his eyes as the three ponies disappeared into the machine. When he opened them again, there was no one in the room.

“Holy smokes, Spike!” Rainbow Dash barged into the room, accompanied by Pinkie Pie. “I had to ask the guards to see where you guys went! Where’s Twilight- waait. What’s that?”

“Okay. This is gonna sound crazy-”

“Ooh! Ooh! I like crazy!”

“-but Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy was sucked into that machine right in front of you.”

“Whaat? That's crazy!”

Breaker of Dawn

Breaker of Dawn

“You can’t be serious.”

The old, frail mare rusheds to the door of her private study, covering it with hooves outstretched and wings unfurled. Her labored breathing summons wisps of cold, and her hooves tremble and quake, but she does not budge. “You can’t go out there!”

“No, Princess. I can. And I will.” Twilight buckles her saddlebags and tightens her parka, then steps right and left to try and slip through. The mare follows her movements. “Can you please stop blocking the doorway?”

The mare shakes her head. “This is not how I want you to die.”

“Your Majesty… if you would just step away,” a soft voice speaks from behind. “Please.” The pink haired pegasus moves over towards the door, and grabs the terrified elder’s hooves in an attempt to move her away. “We need to go. I’m sure you understand.”

From across the room, the fire of the furnace flickers. Another young pegasus pumps air into it to keep the flame going, her light blue hooves and rainbow hair soiled with the black of coal. “Can we please get a move on? I really can’t wait for much longer!”

“These… friends of yours. They’re insane. You’re insane for listening to them! No one has ever braved the cold and survived!” The old mare, frail as she is, stands straighter in a final show of desperation. “I won’t let my faithful student go on a suicide mission like this.”

“Our friends are waiting by the sled station, ma’am.” The yellow one starts to pull on the mare’s hooves harder. “I need you to MOVE. Now!”

“Aah!” With a yelp, the two of them come tumbling onto the floor. The younger mare falls onto her saddlebag, and manages to catch the Princess with her body. “Ow. That hurt, young lady.”

With a cough, the pink-haired mare stands up and steps aside, turning to nod to her friend. “Well, I’m sorry, but I warned you.” The door opens, and a colder breeze seeps into the room. She offers a hoof to the princess on the floor, who solemnly takes it, then turns to the doorway.

“Let’s go, Dash. Fluttershy.” Twilight takes the lead and steps into the hallway, leaving her teacher behind to stare at them as they go.

The hallway guards outside turn their heads to the opening doors, and nod at the Princess’ faithful protege and her entourage. Rainbow Dash opens the saddlebag and reaches for the map within, while Fluttershy adjusts her snow goggles and wing guards. Their collective hoofsteps echo through the grand wooden hall.

“Wait.”

The Princess’s tired voice calls out. “Please, wait.” She begins to shamble ahead, and the guards rush to support her. “One last thing. Before you go.”

Rainbow groans in response. “Twi, do we really have to listen to her?”

Twilight stops, then takes a breath. She looks back to face her mentor. “One last thing, Princess.”

“Yes,” she responds. Her guards help her stand up straight, and she thanks them with a gentle nod. “One last thing.”

She looks straight at her student for a few seconds as her eyes begin to water. They plead a final request. “Promise me you’ll return.”

“I… I can’t do that, Princess.”

Twilight stares back for a moment, then looks away. Her right hoof fidgets on the floor. “I can’t promise you I’ll come back.”

The Princess sighs, and her tears begin to fall on the floor. “I knew you would say that.” She looks up and smiles at Twilight. “Come here, my child.”

Her student slowly trots over, and with both hooves outstretched, they share a final embrace. The Princess’ tears drip on her student’s jacket.

“So many students of my own have gone on to end this winter, you know. Over the years. Amore. Sunset Shimmer. Cadaence. And now… you.” She wipes her tears away with one hoof. “I thought that I could keep my final student away from the cold, harsh world out there. But perhaps it is fate that all I take under my wing end up leaving.”

Twilight says nothing as she lets go. Tears crest her muzzle, too. She gives her teacher one more soft smile.

The Princess watches as her student turns back and leaves for the last time.

“You three are going to break a curse older than even myself,” she calls out. “The Solar Magic, and the light of the stars, have been lost for thousands of years. Are you sure you are ready to wield such power?”

The pink haired mare answers. “We are, Your Majesty.”

“You will make many enemies throughout your mission. The coal magnates will not be happy, nor will the Seafarers be kind to ponykind crossing their land.”

The rainbow-haired one chuckles. “Well, the griffons and the seaponies can kiss my flank!” She looks back at the Princess, a brash grin plastered on her face. “Don’t worry, Your Majesty. You keep home safe, we’ll bring back that ancient power.”

The three ponies beckon to the guards to open the gate.

“Your friends are loyal and true.” The Princess smiles. “I bid you farewell, Twilight Sparkle. Break open the clouds of winter, return the warmth of the sun, and make way for the stars of the night to shine once more. I, Princess Luna, hereby give you my blessings. Stay safe, my children.”

“I will, Princess.”

The guards at the end of the hallway open the doors to the outside world, and a bitter cold wind blasts in. The three ponies hug their coats closer as they step out into the cold. The howling of the wind drowns the room as Luna watches her student’s silhouette fade into the dark, snowy midnight blizzard.

The door closes, and all returns to silence.

Luna sighs. “You are my last hope,” she murmurs to herself. “Find the Princess I never had the chance to know. Find my sister.”

She hugs herself with her hooves.

“Good luck, Twilight.”

“Did that really have to be so dramatic?”

Fluttershy groans. “Dash, be polite! The Princess cares for Twilight.”

Rainbow laughs. “Hah! Says the mare who wrestled her off the door,” she shouts. Fluttershy glares at her in response. “Hey, what? I’m not lying.”

“Shut up, girls.” Twilight takes the map from Rainbow dash and unfurls it. “Shining Armor and the rest will be waiting by the sleds. Let’s go.”

She rolls up the map and places it back in her saddlebagck. Together, they step into the blizzard, and head off into the cold, desolate unknown.

PANIC: There Once Was A Pony

There once was a pony,
Oh, so, very spooky
So spooky, that all would just flee

The pony, so scary
Did they feel so lonely!
As lonely as pony could be

But one day a p̶̥̀h̸̗͋a̸͔̍n̶͆͜t̵̤̀o̶̘͋m̸͈̎
Went up, a companion
Said, “Hey there, my buddy-to-be!”

And now, did the pony
Feel no longer lonely
For they were “a p̶̥̀h̸̗͋a̸͔̍n̶͆͜t̵̤̀o̶̘͋m̸͈̎ and me!”