And Also Her Butt Plays Music Somehow?
Applejack Is an Alicorn Now, I Guess, and Also Her Butt Plays Music Somehow?
by Present Perfect
The pony lifts her head and turns it toward you. Her expression of surprise melts into a warm smile.
"Oh, sorry," she says, voice friendly, "didn't see ya there. Howdy! I'm Applejack."
She could have fooled you. Despite the familiar down-home accent, three-apples cutie mark and long, blonde mane, her coat is an eye-searingly vibrant shade of magenta. Also, she has a horn. And wings. Applejack is supposed to be an orange earth pony, any dummy knows that.
Applejack, it would seem, is not just any dummy.
"Judgin' by yer expression, I gotta assume you're a mite confused as to why I'm here lookin' the way I do." She gives a breezy laugh. "Well, it's quite the story, and I don't mind tellin' it. See, it all started when Rainbow Dash and me got divorced..."
"All rise!" the bailiff cried.
Everypony in the courtroom stayed exactly where they were because ponies don't use chairs, they just stand all the time.
"The Honorable Judge Grand Gavel presiding!"
A portly stallion in a black robe and white powdered wig emerged from somewhere behind the wood-panelled walls and took his position at the high bench. "You may be seated," he huffed.
Literally nopony did anything.
"First case on the docket is Apple v. Dash, divorce proceedings. Will the plaintiff please make her statement?"
"Yer honor," said Applejack, "I aim to make my position clear and plain.
"Some ponies are born gay, like that snivellin' wreck over there."
Applejack looked over to Rainbow Dash, standing next to Flim Flim-Flam, who had apparently conned her into thinking he was a lawyer. Her soon to be former wife's face was covered in tears and snot. As Applejack watched, she burst into a fresh round of tears.
Applejack never had been able to teach her how to cry on the inside.
"Some ponies are born zebras," she continued. "Like, uh, zebras I guess. No offense."
"A strange yet obvious claim you make," said somepony in the back. "There is no offense that I can take."
Applejack slammed her hoof on the table in front of her, and the whole courtroom quieted, even Rainbow. "But there ain't, I repeat, there ain't no excuse for thinkin' LaCrop sparklin' water tastes good!"
A shocked gasp ran round the courtroom. The judge stood stock straight, eyes locked on to Applejack's.
"That is a serious accusation! Tell this court, in your own words, what happened."
"It went like this, Yer Honor..."
"You should try some of this stuff, beb," said Rainbow Dash as she cracked open a can and took a swig out of it. She also kicked the refrigerator closed with one hoof while balancing a spinning plate on her head, because even at fifty years of age, Rainbow Dash was fucking extra about everything. She was also the kind of pony who said 'beb' instead of 'babe'.
"It's pretty awesome, though not as awesome--"
"As you, yes," groused Applejack. "Ain't like a day's gone by in twenty years you ain't said that 'bout yourself."
She wiped the sweat from her brow and tucked a few loose strands of mane back up under her kerchief, the one Granny Smith had willed her when she passed. Applejack had been rolling a pie crust by hoof while stirring a pot on the stove, doing the farm's taxes and cradling a baby that had come from somewhere. Unlike certain pegasi who would remain nameless, Applejack was not extra; she was literally the only pony who did any work around here, and work sometimes meant a little brow-swipe now and then. Mostly, she sweated on the inside.
But she certainly could go for some refreshment. She tossed the baby into the soup and took the can from Rainbow. The swirly colors and bold brushed "LaCrop" logo told her nothing of the horrors that lay within.
Effervescence tickled her nose immediately upon her lifting it to her face. She just barely held back a sneeze as she took a long sip.
Instantly, she was coughing and gagging.
"Sweet Celestia's asscheeks, Rainbow, how in Tartarus can you stand that?" She spat out a mouthful of saliva, which rolled underneath the stove, never to be seen again until a dark and stormy night. "It's like a pony with a vague foalhood memory of what candy tastes like tried to make a sports drink outta pure, unfiltered dust!"
Rainbow gave her an I-am-too-awesome-for-you-to-be-kidding-me look, because that was what most of her looks were like. "What? It's blackberry cucumber! I think it tastes good! And Celestia's not princess anymore, you can't swear on her butt."
Applejack gaped at her wife as more drool tried to escape her mouth. "Dash, only a mad pony would think those flavors go together! You actually drink this?" She stamped around, as though she could make the horrible taste leave her soul through physical labor.
"I mean, yeah?" Rainbow scratched the back of her head. "What's the big deal? It's refreshing and all-natural, and it doesn't weight me down with sweeteners. LaCrop sparkling water! Naturally essenced, bold aromas! Hashtag Live LaCrop!"
She gave a sharp laugh and shook her head. "You're acting like this is worth getting a divorce over or something."
"...and that," said Applejack, "was the best idea Rainbow Dash ever had. I didn't marry no corporate shill."
The judge sucked in a long breath through his clenched teeth, motioned at Rainbow Dash with his gavel, and murmured, "Big oof, bro."
"Objection, Your Honor!" shouted Flim, trying to show some backbone. "The plaintiff was flashbacking in a flashback!"
"Overruled," said the judge. "The counsel will refrain from breaking the fourth wall in my court."
"In conclusion, Yer Honor," said Applejack, tapping some papers together in front of herself even though they had no bearing on the proceedings, "likin' LaCrop is a choice, one that I frankly think is wrong and a sin in the eyes of Celestia."
"Objection!" shouted Flim again. "Celestia is no longer the princess, the plaintiff cannot swear by her name!"
"Overruled," said the judge with a sigh, "on account of that is completely irrelevant and the counsel is an idiot. Do you even have a lawyer's license?"
"Yes!" said Flim, sweating bullets. He did a quick slight-of-hoof, passing a piece of paper from one shirtsleeve to the other and flashing it at the judge. "Rrrright here, Your Honor!"
The judge shrugged. "Eh, good enough for me. Does the defendant have anything to add on her behalf?"
"No, Your Honor," sniffled Rainbow Dash. "What Applejack said is basically how it went." She coughed. "ExceptthatIwastwentypercentmoreawesomerthewholetime." Her head drooped, and she sighed. "But the court probably doesn't care about that."
"Darn right it doesn't," said the judge. "This court hereby doth do find the plaintiff has every right to be pissed at her spouse. By the power invested in me by Celestia and the state of Equestria, I now pronounce you hors d'oeuvres."
Applejack looked at Rainbow Dash, who was giving her the a look of confusion that mirrored her own. "Uh..."
"Sorry," said the judge, "I meant horse divorce. You may now punch the defendant."
"Thank ya kindly, Yer Highness," said Applejack, who did not punch Rainbow Dash, opting to simply walk out of the courtroom while Dash bawled her eyes out in the 'comforting' embrace of Flim.
Applejack was not a pony who gloated. Not on the outside, at least.
The next morning, Applejack realized there was something wrong. Yes, she'd had to get used to the idea of not sleeping next to another pony that night, but she'd spent nine seasons not doing that, it wouldn't take much effort to go back to.
No, the problem was that she woke up on the floor, which smelled like a quenched campfire and into which some darn fool had burnished an image of her cutie mark. She'd have to get Big Mac to help her sand that out.
Then she had a hard time getting through her bedroom door. Everything was smaller and twelve, whatever that meant. She couldn't make it into the bathroom for some reason, so there was no morning ablutions or checking herself out in the mirror for an easy answer to what was going on. She tripped going down the stairs because her legs got all tangled up in each other, while something on her back kept flipping her end over end as she flailed for her life. At least when she finally landed, it was in the kitchen doorway, where Big Mac, Sugar Belle and their kid were all preparing breakfast.
"Aunt AJ," said her nephew, whatever his name was, "are you feelin' okay?"
Her brother and sister-in-law just stared at her.
Applejack picked herself up off the ground somehow and shook her head. "Can't rightly say I am," she said. "Had an awful weird dream last night, though. I was up in Pony Heaven with Princess Twilight, and she sang me a song. How'd it go, let's see... Oh yeah, it was something like:
You fiiiiinally got divoooorced
This waaaas the best thing, of coooourse
'Cause Dash was bad for yooooou,
But now you are both freeeeee,
So now you can dooo meeee...
"...Cuz it's time to somethin', somethin', aw, I forget the rest." Applejack shook her head and ambled toward the table, banging into the chandelier overhead.
"Super gross, Auntie!" said the heretofore unnamed kid, who went back to his pancakes or whatever.
Applejack grunted as she tried to settle herself into a chair. Yes, I know what I said earlier; I meant they don't use chairs in court. Anyway, she was grunting and groaning to herself, like, "Ding-dang chair, it's gotta be your fault I don't fit, ain't no way I'm gettin' fat, I'm only fifty-two..."
And then Sugar Belle shouted, "Applejack, you dingbat, you're an Alicorn and also pink!"
"Say what now?" was Applejack's witty retort.
Big Mac just held up a shiny, reflective saucepan to her big, dumb face.
Applejack's scream could be heard for miles.
An emergency meeting of the Friendship Council was called by Princess Twilight, Ruler Supreme of Equestria, Raiser of the Sun and Moon, Protector of the Realm, Commander of Ships, Grand Sky Admiral of the Equestrian Sky Navy, Friend of Dragons, Friend of Yaks, Friend of Changelings, Friend of Hippogriffs, Bearer of the Element of Magic, Wielder of the Rainbow Power Forgotten, Three-Time Trivia Trot Champion, 53/F/Eq but still Thrilling Thirty at Heart!, and so on and so forth. The attendants included:
Applejack, who was the aforementioned Alicorn.
Rainbow Dash, who was the aforementioned corporate shill.
Rarity, who was always fabulous.
Pinkie Pie, Cheese Sandwich and Lil' Cheese.
Fluttershy and Discord, who were not a couple.
Big Mac and Sugar Belle, who were.
Maud Pie and Mudbriar, who also were.
Not Spike (he was out being diplomatic).
Starlight Glimmer and Sunburst, but not Trixie. She was having issues that day. She was always having issues.
Gallus, Silverstream, Ocellus, Smolder, Yona and Sandbar, not that anyone cared.
Luster Dawn probably.
King Thorax I guess.
Goddamn, there's a lot of major characters by the end of this show.
Anyway, the castle meeting room was super crowded by this point, but literally everycreature was like, gasp, stare, why is AJ pink and also Alicorn? Some of them in fact had never ceased staring and/or wondering aloud at her status since they entered the room.
Twilight pounded a gavel against a table because those were things present in this place. "Order in the... here! Everyponycreature shut up!"
They did that.
"I know you have all a lot of questions," Twilight continued.
Applejack raised her hoof. "I sure as sugar do."
"Right. Yes. Okay, here's the deal. You getting divorced from Rainbow Dash unlocked the final well of potential in your soul and raised you up to the Realm of Alicorns, where I was able to meet you and upgrade you into an Alicorn yourself. Also, you rejected my advances for some reason, which should not have happened, because I worked on that song for like three months until it was perfect."
"Huh," said AJ, rubbing her chin and ignoring most of what Twilight said. "It's like I was never meant to be married to Rainbow in the first place..."
Rainbow Dash did not cry.
"What are you the Alicorn of?" asked someone in the room. It didn't matter who.
"What?" Applejack was really not paying attention.
"I think what that unnamed individual meant, darling," darling'd Rarity, "is that, regardless of royal status, each Alicorn represents some aspect of the world."
"Like how Celestia is the Alicorn of the Sun!" cried Pinkie.
"Or Cadence is the Alicorn of Love," added Fluttershy.
Maud did a blink. "And Flurry Heart is the Alicorn of the End Times."
"Hallowed Be the Dark One's name," chanted all present.
Rarity leaned over and pressed her hoof to Applejack's shoulder. "The question now, darling, is, what kind of Alicorn are you?" Everyone ignored the Pokémon reference, thank God. "Though I would perhaps be more inclined to ask why you've changed colors, it would appear that I am literally the only one who cares about that."
"What kind of Alicorn am I?" Applejack put on her thinking face. It was bright pink, like the rest of her. "That's a real good question..."
It was some days after that august conclave that Applejack found her answer, quite by mistake as a matter of fact. She had fallen down the steps again when it happened. Immediately after the incident, and fending off the questions and fearful shrieks of her family, Applejack ran to Carousel Boutique because she hadn't figured out flying yet. It was usually Rainbow Dash's job to train new Alicorns, after all, but, uh, you might see where the problem could be there.
When she arrived, Applejack was reminded that it was no longer Rarity who lived there, but Yona. Thankfully, yak give good directions, so Applejack went to the train station and had a very unremarkable journey up to Manehattan to visit the actual boutique.
When Coco Pommel opened the door, AJ was afraid for a split second that she'd have to make another boring trip somewhere else, but then Rarity was all, "Coco, darling, who is it?" since ponies don't usually, yaknow, knock when entering a business, and Coco was all, "It's a giant pink Alicorn, mistress," and Rarity was all, "Ha ha, not in front of the customers, dear." So then Applejack and Rarity got to talk. Finally.
"Rarity," said Applejack to Rarity, "I've been doin' some thinkin', but the answer to your question finally hit me!"
Rarity gave her a blank look, so she said, "Y'know, what kind of Alicorn am I?"
"Oh, I love Pokémon!" said Coco. She withered at Rarity's glare and slunk back into the boutique.
"Do go on, darling," said Rarity.
Applejack made a clicking noise in the back of her mouth and whipped both hooves to point at Rarity. This would have had more meaning in Humania, where finger-guns are an acceptable if cheesy gesture in these sorts of situations.
"I'm the Alicorn of Fallin' for Those Sparklin' Blue Eyes." She winked.
Rarity stared at her for a moment. Then she tittered, because a lady does not laugh. "Oh, Appleja-ha-hack! Surely, you can't be serious!"
Applejack drew her voice down to a husky moan. "Oh, but I am, Rarity. It all makes sense. I got out of a bad ship so's I could get into a good one, and now? This here form is proof positive that I'm finally on the right track. Also, don't call me Shirley."
"But Applejack, darling, sweetheart, lovey, you're so--" she twirled her hoof, looking for the right word-- "garish these days that I can hardly stand to look at you! And in my line of work, looks are everything."
AJ gave herself a once-over. "I mean, yeah, you kinda got a point there. But coat dyes are a thing, right?"
Rarity gave her a flat look.
"And, hey, check out my cool new Alicorn powers!" She gave a giddy little giggle, like a foal in a toy shop. "Discovered 'em by accident this mornin'."
Rarity raised her eyebrows in the most placating get-it-out-of-your-system-if-you-must expression ever.
Applejack jumped up and tried to flip herself over. She kind of missed and landed on her side. "Goldurn wings, hang on a second..."
She spent the next minute in the most undignified manner possible, scooting and scraping herself against the sidewalk like she had the mother of all itches, right there outside the store in the middle of the fashion district. The gawking passers-by appeared in droves, and Rarity found herself wishing she had invited the horrid distraction inside, where she could at least be mortifying out of the public eye.
Eventually, Applejack finagled herself to where she could smack her back against the ground. She had to do it a few times before anything happened; it had not, after all, happened the first time she fell down the stairs.
"All right!" she cried as the sound of hooves clopping against cobblestones filled the air from seemingly nowhere. "Here we go!"
"Applejack, what is--"
"Lookit mah butt!"
Applejack rolled into her hooves and thrust her posterior in Rarity's face. It glowed with a multitude of flashing lights. The butt, that is, not the face, though Rarity's coat was certainly the right color to reflect every one of said lights.
"What in blazes--"
There was a loud neighing. Rarity's face somehow paled.
"I do not know how you're doing this, Applejack, but that was extremely rude language! If... somewhat nonsensical."
"I know!" AJ bit her lower lip, excited. "Just wait, here comes the best part!"
With that, they were both treated to a rousing if tinny thirty-second rendition of the William Poll Overture, playing from somewhere in the vicinity of Applejack's bellybutton. Her butt coruscated with multicolored lights the entire time. Also for the entire time, Applejack gave Rarity the winky eyebrows.
When the ordeal had finally passed, Rarity said, "'Cool new Alicorn powers?'"
"Ain't they great? Don't they just make you wanna be my special somepony?"
Rarity did little to hide her disgust. "Applejack, as good a friend as you are, and as much as this... display was... tantalizing? I've been shagging Coco, Trenderhoof, Fancy Pants, Fashion Plate and Sassy Saddles for the last ten years, and two of those ponies aren't even into mares. I simply do not have room in my schedule. You understand, of course."
With a final "Ta-ta!" Rarity whisked back into her boutique, slammed and locked the door, and turned the "We're Open!" sign to "We're Closed".
Applejack frowned. She'd definitely pictured the end of this scene differently in her head on the train ride over.
"Stupid Alicorn powers," she huffed. "What good are ya? Can't even impress a mare...
"Well'p," she well'p'd, turning to the streets of Manehattan and beginning the trot back to the train station, "guess I'm destined to be tragically alone for the rest of my life."
Somepony above emptied their wastebasket out the window and onto her. Cupcake wrappers, apple cores, flowers and leaves all stuck to her coat because it just so happened to start raining at that very moment. She frowned.
"And covered in trash."
"...and that's basically how it went!"
Applejack gives you a knowing grin. Whatever hurt she might have felt in her past, it hasn't followed her here.
"O' course, we never did quite figure out why I'm pink. I think it had somethin' to do with first-generation cellular coverage?"
She shrugs.
"But anywho, turns out I'm actually the Alicorn of Apples, which suits me just fine. I still got my family, I still live and work on Sweet Apple Acres, and I still get to bang your waifu, cuz I just naturally attract garbage now."
She gives a hearty laugh. You know, deep in your heart, that she is right.
"If'n that talk with Rarity learned me anything, it's the value of havin' a hearty and active sex life when you're middle-aged!" She starts counting on her hooves; you don't know how it's possible. "I been with Starlight Glimmer, Zephyr Breeze, Chrysalis -- don't ask about that one -- Trixie and even Strawberry Sunrise!"
She taps her chin. "Come to think of it, maybe that's why me 'n Dash got together in the first place. Could that have somethin' to do with me bein' an Alicorn...?"
"Come back to bed, Shirley!" moans a sleepy voice from elsewhere in the scene.
"Oh, right." AJ winks at you and chuckles. "Well, thank Celestia kirins are colorblind, am I right?"
"Thank Kirinlestia!" shouts the other voice.
"Anyway, good luck livin' your life now. Kirinlestia knows you'll need it."
The Dumb End
Author's Note
It do be like that sometimes. Further inspiration for this piece came from here. Also just me venting about canon AppleDash. :'D
Thanks to kits and Hawthorn Bunny for feedback!
