Gallus took a sip from a cup of water, perking up as a familiar ringtone played from his new computer. He spent a few minutes rifling through his multiple torrenting, downloaded old movies, Antivirus services, and emulator tabs he had open before finally unearthing his buried Discord group chat. A black window at the top indicated an incoming call, which he happily accepted
"Greetings, whore." Gallus affectionately flirted. The rest of his friend group on video chat responded with passionate and loving T-Poses.
Sandbar sat at his desk in his warm and cozy cottage in Ponyville, sipping from a glass bottle of cherry soda. Smolder appeared to be in a cave somewhere, resting her laptop on her knees and illuminating the dark stone walls with the bright screen. The brown blob Gallus could only assume was Yona waved at three frames per minute through her dying CRT monitor. Ocellus rested in a hammock of vines and moss hanging from another cave deep inside her hive, lit by glowing mushrooms and insects crawling along the walls behind her. Silverstream's screen flashed in and out of existence, corrupted to the point of begging for death hundreds of leagues underwater, only ocassionally electing to show her face pressed up against her phones camera instead of colorful glitching lines.
"Thought I'd hold one last video chat before we go back to school tomorrow- back to a haven of disease, death, and careless leaders dictating capitalism get a move on already." Sandbar raised his bottle like a 40 year old alcoholic toasting to death. "How were y'all's summers?"
"Awful. I can't wait to get back with you nerds. Had to hole up at a friend of mines the entire time since I came back." Gallus muttered, fighting off spam and porn links in another tab while idly complaining. Smolder furrowed her brow.
"Gallus, you live in one of the most impoverished and diseased parts of the country. how did your governor even let you back?"
"Grandpa Gruff's the closest thing we have to a leader here. When asked about it, I believe his exact words were 'Children can suck a wet fart directly out of my avian ass' before setting the town hall on fire and leaving."
Dead silence met him. He looked back and forth between everyone's stares, perplexed, before speaking up again.
"Do you ever... Hear something terrible and not think anything of it until you repeat it to your friends?"
"Do you... Want to tal-"
"Nope!" Gallus cheerfully cut off Ocellus, taking a bite out of a dry scone on his desk.
"Well, I had a great time!" Silverstream's muffled and blubbed voice shakily crawled out of the speakers as she swam through what seemed to be a large coral, happily gabbing into the phone held tight in her fins.
"We can tell. I regret teaching you how to use Instagram. Why do you keep making accounts to re-like posts?" Sandbar patiently asked as Smolder and Gallus quietly took bets on how much longer the phone would last under the water pressure before it gave into the light.
"You don't understand, Sandy; one like meant one prayer. I had to save Shutterstock."
"Who?"
"The cat. I think their owner branded it's name across it's face. Do any of you guys do that in your cultures?"
"We tend to just eat them. Hey, speaking of which, Silver, did you ever play that game I sent y-?" Smolder butted in, biting her lip to stop a smile, before being promptly interrupted.
"Wait, go back, should I be worried for my safety?" Gallus raised a claw questioningly.
"I tried eating you once. You tasted bad."
"Is that... Is that a euphemism?"
"No, I took a chunk out of your leg while you were sleeping." She replied matter-of-factly, slipping her claw under a gem buried in the wall beside her and wrenching it out, popping it into her mouth.
"Oh damn. I figured that was just a bad case of trench foot or a tropical ulcer I caught while walking on the streets barefoot over here." Gallus surmised. Sandbar nervously looked back and forth between the predators, noticing how much squishier he was than them.
"Hey, Silverstream, you got any cat genes in you? ... Silverstream?" Smolder looked up from her gem, sighing at the low static emitting from the hippogriff's end.
"If we go by Price is Right rules, I won the bet. I was closer." Gallus bargained.
"I guess Silverstream's out. That being said, are we all ready to march into the Elephant's Foot tomorrow? We all have our wills written down?" Sandbar recomoposed himself, electing to run one last check before they signed off.
"Body fed to carnivorous friends, Riches distributed among all friends and family!" Yona cheerfully yelled.
"A boot to the head for all who attend my funeral, delivered in increasingly comedic and bait-and-switched fashions." Smolder affirmed.
"A mysterious treasure map hinting at buried gold given to all of you, Spike Jones to be played at the ceremonies, and a mysterious man to attend my funeral, standing several feet away from the mourning in a trenchcoat under the shade of a tree at all times so people think I had a dark and shady past. Which I did, but none of the people from that time are willing to do this for me. Also, Eric Andre describes my life, if you can get him." Gallus recited off the sticky note attached to his desk.
"I... Don't have anything... How long have you guys been preparing for death?" Ocellus worriedly asked, beginning to fret for the mental health of her friends.
"It seems we're all ready. Synchronize your death watches, men, women, and whatever Ocellus feels like being today, because tomorrow we go dark, in a world that cares for us like it cares for the breezies it steps on."
"You can stop passive-aggressively shaming me for that, I apologized to that breezie a million times." Smolder growled.
"I'll see you when it's all over, soldiers. I love you all, no homo."
A chorus of 'goodnight' 'good luck' and 'i love you no homo' rang out before they logged off one by one, save for Yona, who forgot to turn the call off and left it running until 3 AM the next morning when it died and never turned on again.
---*---
"Be not afraid, comrade."
Gallus approached Sandbar with one of their traditional greetings, trotting up to him on the path leading up to the School of Friendship with the average modern student's survival kit; a backpack, iced coffee, and massive plague doctor mask obscuring his entire head. In a normal everyday situation, Sandbar would respond to the greeting by somersaulting onto his hind legs and performing the default Fortnite dance, but this time he just inhaled sharply upon seeing his friend, mulling thoughts over and biting his lip before finally speaking hesitantly.
"Good... Morning, Gallus."
"Morning Sandbar." The gryphon nodded, nearly impaling Sandbar with his mask's oversized beak.
"You... Ready for school?"
"Yep, of course. Got all my equipment." He lifted a cane adorned with a metallic hawk head at the end off his back, followed by a large sack with an herbal scent powerful enough that Sandbar nearly collapsed.
"That's... Um, dude, you got a little something..."
"Nice mask, Gallus." Smolder casually complimented, walking towards them with a small bag of rock candy, tossing pieces into her uncovered mouth.
"Thank you!"
"Guys..." Sandbar felt his resolve crumbling as his eyes darted between the both of them. "I think... We might need some remedial education on-"
"He-Hey guys!" Ocellus fluttered down to the three from the air, stumbling upon landing but managing to recover before she toppled, beaming up at them with a wide smile. Sandbar buried his face in his hooves.
"Ocellus... Buddy... You live in an ant hive..." He exasperatedly tried to explain. He didn't get far into it before a pair of claws grabbed him, pulling him into familiarly soft pink feathers.
"Silverstream!" He shook her talons off quickly, breathing heavily and scooching away from her confused and unmasked beak. "Why aren't any of you-"
"FRIENDS!"
Sandbar paled at the sound, throwing himself to the pavement and covering his head, preparing for Yona's trademark bone crushing hug. When it didn't come, he looked up cautiously, scrunching his nose upon seeing her sitting on her haunches six feet away from him, muffled happy panting barely audible through her facemask.
"Actually... You did a good job, Yona. But the rest of you!"
The other four turned to look at him blankly, no sign of bother or concern present across their faces.
"I'm just checking... You guys all have masks, right?"
Confused murmurings and awkward shuffles replied, before Ocellus eyes suddenly lit up in recollection, turning to Smolder sheepishly.
"That reminds me, i accidentally slept in and had to rush over here, so I sort of skipped breakfast. Would you mind-?"
"Oh yeah, sure."
Smolder leaned down, sinking into a deep and passionate kiss with Ocellus, lasting a solid minute before they finally pulled apart, casually turning back to Sandbar. His eye twitched.
"How are you guys this stupid?" Sandbar blurted out, gripping his head in a desperate attempt to keep his brain from liquefying out his ears.
"Yona have mask! Why friends all think Yona unintelligent?" The yak behind him pitifully muttered the last part, leaving Sandbar feeling rightfully bad.
"Sandy, I went to a pony doctor for a cough once and their charts medically classified me as a fungus. I think I'll be fine, but if it makes you feel better..." Ocellus quickly licked leftover love off her lips before washing them off in blue changeling flame. When it dissipated, her muzzle was gone entirely. Sandbar begrudgingly accepted it, turning to the remaining three.
"Yes, everyone says that! Well, I'll be fine! But what about the rest of us? We won't be! And Gallus, I- I don't even know where to start with you. Do you know anything about diseases? Is this why Professor Sparkle had to pull you out of her class last semester to explain to you that Miasmatic Theory has been disproved for the last two centuries when you started complaining that Yona's stench was going to infect us?"
Gallus's cold, expressionless mask faced him without moving, and the earth pony could see his mental gears turning under it.
"Did you... Forget that was a thing that happened? Because we didn't."
"I... I think I need... To rethink some things."
"GET A FACEMASK!" Yona bellowed at him through her own, nearly knocking the gryphon off his paws and claws with it's force. Sandbar vibrated beside her, taking a step back from the angry yak and trying to recover
"Y-Yeah! That goes for all of you, guys! We're going to Professor Sparkle's right now to ask if she has spare facemasks! That includes you, Smolder! Everytime you fall asleep in class, you breathe smoke everywhere."
"Gee, thanks for bringing that up at every single opportunity you can. Really appreciate it you guys." Smolder folded her arms and rolled her eyes with a disdainment only a rebellious teenager could muster.
"Give us a break! How many of us have actually received a formal education before this?" Gallus complained, tearing off his facemask and coughing dry herbs onto the sidewalk.
"I... That's not a bad question. Raise your appendage if you've been to an actual school before this one!"
Ocellus sadly shook her head. Smolder glared. Silverstream and Yona both raised a claw and cloven hoof. Sandbar turned to Yona questioningly, and she stamped her hoof in frustration.
"This is what Yona talking about! Yak smart! She graduated from top Yayakistan college!"
"You're right, and I'm sorry. What did you major i- it was smashing, wasn't it?" Sandbar apologetically deadpanned.
"We called them Wrecktal exams!"
---*---
"So, is anyone gonna make the obvious bat joke about Professor Shy, or can I?" Smolder casually brought up in the middle of class, whilst fidgeting with her new facemask and holding a tiny pangolin in her other palm, contemplating the fragility of its life it trusts in her powerful claws, as well as idly wondering what it would taste like.
Fluttershy grabbed onto her desk for support, blinking. "How did you... Find out about that?"
"Dude, we all know. You broke into our dorms one night, hissed at us, and raided our minifridges of apples." Gallus added.
"Yak won't tell if Professor bite her next time!"
"Guys, it... It really doesn't work like that..." Shy muttered.
"Then what's the point of being a vampire?" Silverstream pondered. "Actually, why don't you own that aesthetic more often? We never see you sitting on thrones and monologuing. Ooh! Could we I record you in Batpony form reciting Alucard's speech from Castlevania so I can post it to Tik Tok?"
"Kids... Who's Alucard? What's Tik Tok?" Fluttershy exasperatedly asked, getting more confused by the minute.
"Wait, what are you guys talking about?" Sandbar finally asked. "Are vampires real? I feel like every week or so I find out a creature from mythology or folklore is actually real. I showed a Kirin friend of mine their article on Wikipedia and they spent the rest of the afternoon editing inaccuracies in Chinese mythology."
"Come to think of it, why was Castlevania made in the first place?" Silverstream pondered, shredding a pencil in her beak. "Is it considered rude or offending? Do vampires made videogames about mortals using the power of nukes to try and destroy the world and a vampire adventurer going to stop them?"
"Kids, I don't know. I don't fraternize much with other vamp-"
"Speciesist!" Yona hollered from the back.
"H-how are you all so okay with this? When my friends found out they spent the entire night trying to turn me back." Shy practically begged, feeling incredibly overloaded and confused.
"I was gonna stop you, but I figured it would be better to just go back to sleep and not talk about it." Ocellus admitted.
"OCELLUS!" Sandbar blew up, upon noticing her mouth again. "Either ditch the respiratory system or go get a facemask!"
"That mouth thing was just temporary!" She explained quickly. "I've been spending the last few hours rearranging my immune system and antibodies to defend against COVID. Now that it's done, I can just breathe normally now, and nobody has to get sick!"
She beamed, expecting praise. Sandbar felt one of his few remaining fuses blow like a desperate Hooters waitress.
"YOU HAVE AN ANTIBODY IN YOUR BLOOD?"
"I... Yes?"
He stared at her deadly for what felt like an eternity, before turning back to Fluttershy.
"Do the bat thing! Now! We need you to suck her, and fast!"
Outside, a passing student began walking faster as they caught the tail end of that sentence.
"I cant- I can't do it on command!" She sputtered, gripping her desk and rifling through the drawers for her inhaler.
"Then- is it a full moon thing? Or every night?"
"I doubt adding more bat would solve the problem." Smolder fist pumped under her desk, ecstatic at finally getting to make the obvious joke. Then the situation dawned on her. "Wait, what's happening with Ocellus's blood?"
---*---
Space warped and shifted, giving way to an endless black oblivion stretching beyond the veil of mortal comprehension at the end of a simple school hallway. And floating in the void, watching the mortals before them with seething fury, lay nothing less than the embodiment of a God; faceless, biomechanical, and covered in an unknowable amount of eyes and mouths. It raised it's arms, and the universe screamed in pain, becking to the call of their new overlord until the stats extinguished, one by one, leaving nothing but darkness and torment in their way.
Silverstream popped a wad of bubblegum, contemplating her next move beside her five friends, each facing down hell on earth with the courage only element bearers could wield, ready to die for Harmony's eternal balance, despite fear creeping in from all angles.
Behind them, a crowd of students and faculty watched, posing in front of the unfolded space time for social media and taking bets on how long it would take the young bearers to win.
Gallus yawned, cracking his claws as the bringer of despair prepared another onslaught, raising billions of arms to burn out sun's for their energy, directed at the six children before him. Gallus sidled up next to Sandbar, whispering in his ear.
"Hey, bro. Can animals catch COVID?"
"Ummmm... I believe so, yeah."
The attack launched, a beam of pure darkness slamming into the school's matter at incomprehensible speeds. At the last moment an ethereal hand raised to block it, absorbing the brunt of the attack. When it ended, the hand retracted, revealing a giant, translucent bipedal Alicorn behind it, summoned from the might of the many to do battle for the fate of existence.
"What about monsters? Like, uh, Timberwolves? Do they even have lungs?"
Sandbar took his time thinking, summoning the spirit of Harmony back to him and charging into the void, leaping off the end at the Harbringer, smashing powerful earth pony hooves together on each side of his head and stunning him for one turn. He then placed his hindhooves on two of it's many shoulders, pushing in them to somersault back into the hallway.
"I don't think so. I think they're just, like, magical wood."
"Looking cool, Sandbar!" Silverstream called out.
"Alright, but how about-" Gallus spread his wings, taking flight at one of the Beast's arms, running his claws in a deep gash along it, causing it's owner to cry out in pain, a deafening primal scream like the dying throes of the Dunwich Horror, calling out for a father with no form.
"How about transmission? Like, a friend of mine is still stuck in a Quarry Eel's digestive system from that trip to Ghastly Gorge. When they get out, should I worry about them having COVID?"
"I think you'll have other things to worry about by that time." Sandbar watched Ocellus transform into a female bugbear, roaring and charging down Divinity's Rejection. He mentally calculated hitpoints as she landed blow after blow, shrieking to match her foe.
"Alright, fine, one last thing."
"Make it quick, it's almost their turn again."
"Yeah, what about them? Should we stick with long range attacks so they don't get COVID?"
"If COVID helps them die, we probably want to give it to them. Speaking of giving it to them, HARMONY! BY MY SIDE!"
The Alicorn spirit was brought forth into existence again, raising a hand and creating a magical shield around the party as the Death of Worlds summoned forth a barrage of stars to tear into their defenses. However, each one was frozen as soon as it hit the shield, creating a wall of blazing stars that shrouded everything outside of the hallway from view. Then, with a snap of Harmony's fingers, time unfroze, and the stars came barreling in- towards The Judge, Executioner, and Metric By Which The World Will Be Judged themselves. The Existence Eater That Death Forgot closed their eyes, kneeling in the eternal void at the mercy of their own attack.
"The enemy is down! Commence with an All Out Attack!" Ocellus screamed, transforming her forehooves into gorilla arms.
"I've been waiting for this!" Smolder smirked, feeling flame billow in her throat.
"Pick a God and pray!" Sandbar spat out, summoning his strength.
"YOU SEE ME BEAST? THIS IS YOUR DEATH!" Yona bellowed, happily ending with a heavy laugh before charging down her opponent with the spirit of her thousand warrior ancestors driving her forward.
The entire party leaped off the ledge into the world that never was, hitting the Final End with all they had, kicking, clawing, biting, and blazing until he finally let loose one last primal scream, and the portal to his dimension began collapsing, folding in on itself and crushing him like a grape beneath malfunctioning springlocks, they who were once a god now no less than a bug to existence's foot.
Students began filing out of the now-normal hallway, complaining that it wasn't very impressive for the first monster of the semester, and last semesters Hydra fight had been cooler.
The student bearers got up, catching their breaths and shaking themselves off. Gallus and Sandbar went in for a fist bump, before-
"Oh yeah. Hmm."
They cycled through clawshakes, high fives, hugs, belly bumps, Wakanda salutes, waving, Great Diamond Authority salutes, jazz hands, and deeply passionate and intimate kisses looking for a celebration that was both germ-free and satisfying before finally settling on the old reliable Default Fortnite Dance and walking to the next classes.
---*---
"Hey slut, get your fine ass over here, we're doing a disaster poll."
Gallus politely waved Yona over with a wing, gesturing to the whiteboard rolled in front of a set of bleachers. Students sat draped across the seats, casually watching Gallus add another entry to the list.
"Where Professor Dash?" Yona confusedly asked, trotting over to look at the list.
"No clue, but if she doesn't show up in ten minutes, we're legally allowed to leave. Now come on, cast a vote." Smolder added, fist/wingbumping Gallus as they passed each other to reach the opposite ends of the board.
POSSIBLE 2020 DISASTERS
- DIAMOND DOG INVASION
- DISCORD FUCKS SOMETHING UP
- STARLIGHT FUCKS SOMETHING UP
- TRIXIE FUCKS SOMETHING UP?
- THAT SATELLITE BOLD FUTURA SENT OUT FALLS OUT OF SPACE AND AWAKENS AN OLD GOD
- SCHOOL TURNS INTO A KILLING GAME
- GIANT MUTATED ANTS
- SOMEONES STUDENT FILM GETS INTERRUPTED BY THE OPERATOR
- TARTARUS OPENS
- MEGASPELLS
- GREY GOO
- FIRE
- ICE IS ALSO GREAT AND WOULD SUFFICE
- CULTISTS REBIRTH NIGHTMARE MOON
- MELANCHOLIA CRASHES INTO US
- BUNNYMAN
- RUTHORFORD GOES APESHIT AGAIN
- DOGS AND CATS GET GAY MARRIED
- SOMEONE ONLINE I IDOLIZE TURNS OUT TO BE RACIST/SEXIST/A CUNT IN GENERAL
- VIDEOGAME SUMMONS METEORS FROM SPACE
- PLANET DEMOLISHED TO MAKE ROOM FOR FREEWAY
- CYBERPUNK 77 GETS CANCELLED
- BETTY WHITE DIES
- DISNEY BUYS US OUT
- ~~ROKO'S BASILISK~~
- PROFESSOR DASH IS DEAD
"Remember guys, 'G5 is bad' won't happen in 2020, so it doesn't count. Also, 'bad guy from a thousand years ago comes back' Is a definite out. Too broad, too obvious, too generic, just no. And to whoever wrote... You know..." She tapped the crossed out entry in the list. "The thing with the guy and the snake, meet me after school so I can devour you for putting all of our lives at risk."
A zebra filly with pink dyed hair raised her hand in the back. "How about aliens? Has anyone predicted aliens?"
"The... Destroy... All... Humans... Remake... Was... A ... Prophecy..." She scribbled with her tongue between her teeth. "Got it. What else?"
"I hear bird flu is getting pretty bad!" A tiny breezie alighted on the end of Smolder's masked snout, raising her voice to be heard.
"This is for 2020, not 2068." The dragoness deadpanned.
"Also, I can personally confirm that's true." Gallus added on.
The breezie began fluttering back to the bleachers, only to get caught in the liquid body of a kelpie as she suddenly raised a hoof. "Whatever the hell happened in The World Ends With You!"
"Collective unconsciousness fails, got it." Smolder adds it, before turning to Yona again. "You?"
She scrunched her muzzle, thinking hard about how to put it.
"Yona think that world not perfect right now, and things will only get worse before they get better. Yona also think that world, like all things, destined to end in one final glorious smash. But Yona also believe that world will get better! Creatures out fighting for freedom all around the world, from prejudice and corruption and suppression of earth-given freedom! And Yona think that cynicism is a philosophy for those unable to believe that the world is green, beautiful, and prosperous. Yona know that today will suck, but tomorrow might be better, and the only way creature can find out is by being there, and living in each glorious moment as it comes to pass WAIT YONA THINK NEW THING! YONA CHANGE MIND! PLANET IS GIANT BASEBALL, AND WILL BE DESTROYED BY SPACE GOD TO SCORE THE WINNING HOMERUN FOR THE MILKY WAY BASEBALL TEAM!"
"The world is not, in fact, a vampire, and is actually a baseball! Go Yona!" Smolder sped to jot it down, underlining it twice for good measure. The crowd cheered. Dash never showed up and was revealed the next day to have died in her house by accidentally knocking a bottle of wine off her shelf and shattering it on her head.
---*---
"So, did we learn anything at school today?"
The gang regrouped at their fancy treehouse, resting on and around branches and balconies outside the main room, mulling over their day, save for Silverstream, currently messing around on Smolder's laptop.
"Not really. Just more ponies surpassing Dunbar's number." Smolder stuck out her tongue.
"Yeah, it must be, like, Pi for them at this point." Gallus surmised.
Yona scrunched her muzzle again. "Three ponies and... a black hole?"
"My Brother, My Brother, My Brother, My Black Hole and Me; a talk show for the Hawking era." Smolder deadpanned improvisationally.
"Gal, Pi isn't... Just... A really big number. I think I seriously might have to give you some tutoring in basic mathematics and physics." Sandbar pointed out, scratching the back of his head.
"Fair enough. The point is, as weird as it is, it doesn't seem like life has changed much. It's just as strange as ever, even despite such a terrible tragedy going on to this day. All we can do is... I guess just breathe a weary sigh and keep going, because what other option is there? In that way, life never changes. Not in a way that matters." Gallus contemplated, thinking things over.
"But... Nothing in life matters." Yona added. "Nothing but the things creature makes matter, be that dumb humor or games or friends. We have to make our own reasons to keep living, and come hell or high water, all that's left are those things that matter."
"You're forgetting one thing, though." Ocellus fluttered down from the branch she had settled on, coming to a rest between all of them, sitting on pillows laid out on the balcony.
"The other thing that matters in life is making others happy. Making them feel that life is worth living too, so we can keep moving together. And to that end, I want to say that I love you guys."
Flames washed over her, transforming her into the fluffiest Ursa Minor she could muster, and she pulled them all into a hug, squishing them lovingly against her fur. They sat like that for a few minutes before she put them back down again, transforming back.
"Oh, by the way, anyone want to play Minecraft tonight? I found a cool bedwars server." Sandbar added.
A chorus of agreements met as they returned to their positions to continue relaxing, watching the horizon.
