RING!!!!
The loud ringing of an alarm clock jolted a certain draconequus of a pleasantly chaotic dream. Sticking a talon from under the sheets, a giant mallet in his grip, he proceeds to smash the alarm clock into a permanent ‘snooze’. The sheets fold aside as Discord, the Lord of Chaos, rises like he just woke from the dead and stretches his limbs with a deep yawn.
“Morning already?” Discord thought, scratching his back. “Just a second ago I had gone to sleep. Guess having nearly limitless physic bending power wears you out after a while.”
Yawning, Discord casually floats out of his bed which folds and squishes into a square. He makes his way toward the mirror hanging over the wall, seeing his tired reflection with very messy hair. With a snap of his fingers, a pink comb appears which quickly combs those big bushy eyebrows into shape, while he uses his paw to straighten his beard. As he grooms himself, a small picture hangs itself next to the mirror showing three figures: The Princesses, Celestia and Luna, along with a very happy Discord, smiling together.
Please don’t ask ‘when’ this was taken, Discord’s secrets are ones he’ll never tell.
It was a funny thing he thought about, the moment he first arrived in Equestria. Back then, all Discord cared about was wreaking pandemonium everywhere he went, which comes with the job of being the spirit of chaos. Not like he ever tried to hurt ‘any’ pony; it just took away the fun if there weren’t ponies to mess with. But, with a little persuasion, it was Princess Celestia herself who convinced him to put a limit on his powers (That and the time he shared with Fluttershy added to the condition).
In the end, even Celestia knew he could never limit Discord’s use of his powers for long. Every so often, she’d select a perfectly desolate region far from Equestria’s vast civilizations where he’d be free to do whatever he pleased, and no one gets caught in his shenanigans. After a thousand years, Celestia and Discord became pretty good friends, despite the rumors that would say otherwise. She’d even let him visit the castle once in a while, if only to catch up on old times.
As Discord slowly slithered his way toward the bedroom door, it suddenly dawned him as the realization hit the fan.
“You know what?” Discord asked himself. “I’m too relaxed to take the stairs this morning; I think we should change things up a bit.”
In quick fashion, Discord snaps his fingers and magically teleports himself downstairs. A ‘gasp’ to the side makes Discord twist his head as a burly-looking royal guard jumped in surprise. Though to be fair, when a draconequus materializes in front of a guard before their eyes, floating around in coiled circles, who wouldn’t be surprised?
“Sorry for the fright, my good sir,” Discord spoke slyly. “Could you be so kind as to point me in the direction to the castle kitchen?”
“Uh… That way, sir,” The guard replied.
The guard gestures toward the right hallway. Discord nods his head in thanks, before snapping his fingers once more and transports toward the right passageway. Once fully materialized, Discord looks around and was pleased to find himself inside the castle’s kitchen. And there before his very eyes, the kitchen’s refrigerator shined against the morning sun like the heavens themselves beckoned him toward it.
“Ah, my most mysterious trade partner,” Discord said, slyly. “Open those doors so I may unlock your secrets and exploit your riches.”
Using his magic, he extends his arm across the room and grabs onto the refrigerator’s door handle. Then he retracts, zipping the rest of his body toward the fridge. Discord was definitely a breakfast person; in fact, he was an every-meal draconequus. He almost always seemed hungry, probably the reason most of his chaos involves food, why he was so hungry he could eat a horse.
Not literally, of course.
Anyhow, Discord couldn’t wait to sink his one big tooth into the last piece of the magically delicious, ever so scrumptious, chocolate cake he baked with Celestia a few days ago. It was no ordinary cake, and even he wouldn’t just snap his fingers and make more. No, this cake was made with only the most extremely rare ingredients in all of Equestria. Not to mention the cake was specifically baked to be extra special.
Layers upon layers of moist, rich chocolate cake held together by smooth chocolate filling; an egg-based dish using the freshest beaten eggs for that aerated texture; a chocolate custard spread with crumbled walnut toppings; and each bite fill with chocolate ganache and frosted with that rich, creamy chocolate buttercream icing around the edge. All of which put together by the most powerful of baking magic. Just thinking of its texture and rich flavor made Discord’s mouth water. In fact, a literal waterfall of drool poured down his mouth.
Without further ado, Discord swung the refrigerator’s door open and there before his gleaming eyes was a giant tray covered by dome with a handle. Discord reaches for it, the tray beneath his paw and his talon ready to lift it open.
“Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found…” Discord sung, lifting the tray.
Discords reaches his talon for that very last slice of the delicious cake…
“… You?” Discord raised an eyebrow.
For some reason, all Discord grabbed was air. Discord looks down and to his shock, there was not a single slice to be found… Not even a speck of crumbs. Worriedly, Discord searched every last inch of the tray even searching through the entire fridge, moving items around. But it was no use.
“My cake… It’s gone!” Discord spoke, baffled. “Not the chocolate, creamy, frosted goodness! It was just here last night!”
“Oh… Discord…”
A familiar voice made Discord froze in place. He swung his head around as slowly as an owl until his eyes focused on the culprit: Celestia, the Ruler of Equestria and Princess of the Sun, her hooves under the plate holding the very last slice of cake Discord sought for. To his dismay, a giant bite had been taken from it and chocolate frosting was on her upper lip.
“Looking for this?” Celestia asked, coyly.
“HEY!” Discord exclaimed angrily. “That was MY slice!”
“Really? I don’t recall seeing your name on it.”
“Hellooooooo?!” Discord points out.
Practically crafted on the surface of the lid, there were the words ‘Property of Discord’ written in colorful letters. Discord had every right to be annoyed with the seemingly ‘picture-perfect’ Princess. True, he always knew Celestia could be a bit of a troll, they’ve known each other for thousands of years. But for the princess to get her hooves on what should be ‘his’ cake, and taking a bite out of it, now that was going too far.
Yet there she was, Princess Celestia, aware of his fondness for cake as much as she. Only now, she was eating that slice right in front of him, casually tucking a forkful of cake into her mouth and chewing with the most mischievous grin the draconequus had ever seen.
“You want this cake?” Celestia chortled jokingly.
“Yes, I want it!” Discord cried, aggravated. “I’ll have you know I was saving it; I was nauseated by that precooked mini-mall rotisserie chicken the other day!”
“Oh… That’s too bad…”
A stare down commenced between Discord and Princess Celestia, the two figures staring each other like a scene reminiscent of a western. Discord glares intently, as he flexes his fingers waiting for the first move. Celestia merely smiles toward the draconequus, slowly piercing a fork with her magic into the cake, picks up a piece, and slowly tucks the piece into her mouth. Discord’s right eye twitched as he watched her slowly chew it, the tiny crumbs dropping from her mouth.
“So… Good…” Celestia sighed.
This only further irked the spirit of chaos even further. It drove him nuts watching the princess indulging on that cake, as if just to mock him when he was used to it being the other way around.
“Tia… I’m going to say this… Just this once,” Discord said, slowly. “Give… Me… The cake!”
“… No,” Celestia smiled.
“GIMMIE THAT CAKE!!!”
Impatient, Discord lunged toward Princess Celestia, who just stands outside the kitchen with a smile. Piercing the fork back into the cake, she uses her magic on the door…
WHAM!!!
Celestia watches as a face-print of Discord pushes from the door and a groan is heard from the other side. Celestia giggles to herself and walks away with the cake levitating beside her. Back in the kitchen, Discord was pressed so deep onto the door that he was as flat as a pancake. His body slides down onto the floor before peeling back and falling down.
His flat body rises up as an annoyed look is on Discord’s face. He takes his talon, sticks it into his mouth, and blows until his body is fully inflated to his old self like a balloon.
“Well played, Tia,” Discord sighed. “Game on!”
<>
Meanwhile, Celestia is casually strolling down the halls with the cake and makes her way to a nearby door. She opens the door, only to see a desperate discord standing in front of her.
“I want that cake!”
“No!”
Celestia slams the door on Discord and proceeds to teleport both herself and the cake to another part of the castle. She releases a sigh as she thinks she’s secured and far from the draconequus as possible. She strolls down another hall with suits of armor lined in a row on both sides. One of chest plates opens, as Discord’s head pops out.
“I want that cake!”
“No way!”
WHAM!!!
Celestia slams the chest plate shut leaving the shape of Discord’s head as it slammed onto him. Celestia proceeds to spread her wings and fly away with the cake in her grip. She just lands by the front doors of her palace, taking deep breathes, when she hears a knock at the door. Groaning in annoyance, Celestia opens the door furiously.
“WHAT?!?!”
But Celestia’s expression changes when she sees it isn’t Discord. Instead, it was Derpy Hooves, Ponyville’s mail pony, dressed in uniform, a clipboard gripped by one of her wings, and a package by her side.
“Oh, excuse me your highness,” Derpy apologized. “Your package just came by and I was merely dropping it off.”
“Oh…” Celestia said, awkwardly. “Oh why yes, of course. Thank you my dear.”
“Just sign at the bottom line please.”
Celestia takes a pan handed to her by Derpy’s other wing. She proceeds to sign her initials along the dotted lines before handing the pen, a quill in this case, back to the cross-eyed Pegasus.
“Have a muffin day!” Derpy said cheerfully.
Derpy Hooves proceeds to fly away leaving the package for the Princess herself to collect. Curious, seeing as how there wasn’t an address on the box only that it was sent to her name, Celestia cautiously inspects the box. She taps on the side with her hoof, but no response came. With her other front hoof, she shakes the box side-to-side despite the ‘Fragile’ warning on one side. Celestia then slowly uses her magic to strip the tape holding the lid together and tucks one side open for a quick peek.
Suddenly, smoke explodes, and confetti fires out as Discord, with coconut shells on his chest and a bright orange wig. Celestia expression is wide-eyed as the lad pops out like something similar to a giant cake. But with so much red lipstick on his lips and one false eyelash, he’d make for one ugly woman.
“I… Want… That…”
BANG!!!
Discord was interrupted when a mallet from out of nowhere bashes his head like a ‘Whac-A-Mole’ game. Discord’s head soon bounces like one half of an accordion, the music itself in the background, while he had the dopiest expression on his face.
“Nice try, Discord… But no,” Celestia said.
Taking the fork out of the cake, she bites another piece of the chocolate cake with an ‘Mmm’. She then turns around, flicks her tail at the draconequus’, before walking away and closing the door behind her. Discord whips himself back into shape, cricking his neck.
“Ooh…” Discord groaned, glaring. “Okay, Tia… This means war!”
<>
“TEN-HUT!!!”
A spotlight shines upon a giant flag with Equestria’s emblem smack dab in the center. Then Discord marches into the light, garbed in a military uniform with a corn-cob pipe in his mouth. He turns towards his army, in this case an army of duplicate ‘Discords’ all dressed like they are going to battle.
“Aw’right men!” Discord spoke, mimicking a general. “You all know why we’re here!”
“Yeah! The Princess took our dessert!” Another Discord spoke.
WHAM!
The Discord who spoke gets awarded with a folding shovel thrown directly at his head. The soldier Discord falls backward onto the ground, seeing images of tiny Princess Celestia’s flying all around him as the General Discord spoke.
“No! You’re wrong!” The real Discord shouted. “We can live without dessert! We are RED BLOODED AMERICANS! We have the eye of the tiger… The heart of a lion… The wings of an eagle! The big muscular arms of a panther man…”
As the real Discord rambled, one Discord leans toward the one beside him.
“Um, he does know most of the Equestrians are portrayed by Canadians, right?” He asked.
“Forget it!” The other Discord brushed off. “He’s on a roll.”
“For our great country of Equestria is built on one thing and one thing only!” The real Discord continued. “Freedom, Liberty, and homemade pastry!”
One of the Discords starts counting his talons, as if trying to get the math right. Around that time, the General Discord was just wrapping things up.
“I have devised a plan to steal the enemy’s cake!”
With a snap of his talons, a black board appears behind the ‘real’ Discord. He flips the board, which spins for a second or two, until it stops with a strategy with the title in bold letters…
Discord’s Secret Plan to Destroy 'Pony Life'
There is awkward silence amongst all the Discords in that room, as they all stared at the board blankly. Few of them blinked, but that’s about it. A bead of sweat drops down the real Discord’s brow as he realizes what just happened. He quickly flips the board to reveal the ‘actual’ plan, complete with a complex series of symbols and numbers entitled:
Operation: Steal Celestia’s Cake and Get Away With It!
“TA-DA!!!” Discord cheered, arms out. “Here’s the plan!”
Of all the depictions on the black board, a complex series of steps on how to pull off the plan, the one image that got all the Discords’ attention is a very detailed, very captivating depiction of that ever-elusive piece of cake.
“Chocolate cake?!” A Discord shouted. “Yeah, I hear that’s got chocolate in the chocolate.”
“Chocolate frosting… Chocolate glaze… A blend of white-chocolate chips with regular chips… The Chocolate mousse filling…” The real Discord listed. “In other words: You’re darn right! It’s the greatest dessert in all of Equestria, and the Princess is eating it to the last crumb!”
“I don’t know about y’all,” A Discord spoke, in a Southern accent. “But I’m fixin’ to get me some cake!”
“FORWARD MEN!!!”
Soon, the entire army of Discords charge their way out of the room determined to get their clutches upon that last piece of Chocolate Cake at all costs.
<>
Meanwhile, Princess Celestia was strolling through the castle halls. The plate of that chocolate slice hovered in front of her. She was casually chewing on a forkful of the chocolatey goodness, casually minding her own business while humming a tune. She just turned the corner when all of a sudden, she stops to a screeching halt.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Celestia groaned.
Ahead of her, an army of Discords stood poised to charge with a single step. To her left, several Discords appear from the pillars or zipped down from the ceiling. To her right, some Discords slithered through the stained-glass windows before assuming their true forms before her. Then she suddenly turns behind her to find…
Four of her Royal Guards standing there in confusion. Celestia breathes a sigh of relief, thinking some back-up had come for her. But then the Guards, two males and two women, give an evil smirk as their eyes glow… And tear themselves of their disguise revealing four Discords… One of them dressed in a pink-buttoned shirt and tighty-whities. The other three Discords turn toward the odd one of the Discords, with weird looks on their faces.
“What?” The one Discord asked.
There is an awkward pause for everyone in the room until…
“ATTACK!!!” Discord shouts.
All the Discords charge in, shouting and waving their arms like mad men. From all sides, they rush towards Celestia completing surrounding the Princess. It all felt like a slow-motion sequence, all the Discords running from all sides, their arms our and some with their tongues flapping. All gunning for that floating plate carrying the cake. Celestia stands there with her usual stoic expression before a slight smirk escapes her lips.
WHAM!!!
It all happened so fast: Celestia zoomed up to the ceiling so fast, that all the Discords piled into each other in comedic fashion. Hovering with her wings flapping, Celestia flew off from the pile and lands delicately on her hooves.
“AAH-AH-AH-AH!!! AHH-AH-AH!!!”
Celestia turns as a Discord, shouting at the top of his lungs like a jungle man (With a leopard-skin loincloth to match) hurdles down from the ceiling with a vine. Celestia stands there for a moment, watching the Discord swing toward her. But then she casually steps to the side, as Discord, wide-eyed, finds himself swinging toward a pillar.
“AAAAAH-AAAAAH!!!”
BAM!!!
Discord crashed into the pillar so hard, cracks formed from the impact. A moan muffles it’s way out of the draconequus as he slowly slides down to the ground. Celestia sighs with relief and turned to leave when suddenly she felt a raindrop hit her head. A drizzle soon appears from nowhere and suddenly it begins to pour around the princess. She takes her hoof and licks the liquid slowly.
“Chocolate rain…” Celestia muttered.
AHEM!
Celestia turns as suddenly the scene turns black-and-white. One of the Discords stands in front of her, poised in a black suit with sunglasses. Another Discord positions behind her, ready to make a move. Like two Secret Service men surrounding the Princess, as her eyes flick side to side. She holds her ground, waiting to see who makes the first move. The sleek chocolate rain slides along her body, as her eyebrows furrow, one of her hind legs slide slowly…
Celestia (Sings):
I’m singin’ in the rain,
Just singin’ in the rain…
Discords (Sings):
What a glorious feeling,
I’m happy again…
Out of nowhere, the moment Celestia starts breaking out in song and doing a dance, the whole scene becomes colorful. So catchy, even the two Discords break into song-and-dance side-by-side with the Princess herself. The song itself is upbeat with a quick tempo, like referencing the opening of an old classic.
Celestia & Discords (Sings):
I’m laughin’ at clouds,
So dark up above,
The sun’s in my heart,
And I’m ready for love!
Let the stormy clouds chase,
Everyone from the place…
As they sing and dance, Celestia is eyeing the Discords seeing how distracted they are before casually stepping aside from she sings. The other Discords were too caught up, showing off some of their moves, they got lost to the rhythm as the Princess gave them the slip.
Discords (Sings):
Come on with the rain,
I’ve a smile on my face!
I’ll walk down the lane,
With a happy refrain
Just singin’
Singin’ in the rain…
It was only when the two Discords made a turn that they noticed that the Princess had disappeared, leaving them soaked and covered in chocolate.
“Ooh… That’s cold!” One of the Discords muttered.
Meanwhile, Celestia tried to make a quick getaway from the area while the other Discords were distracted. Suddenly, she turns forward and screeches to a halt at the sight in front of her. Another Discord stands before her, only this time he was dressed like a heavily exaggerated martial arts ninja. He slowly makes stances, flailing his legs and swinging his arms like a martial artist. And to further show off, he summons ‘nunchaku’ (Actually two churros with red licorice in between) and flails them over his head and under his arms at rapid speeds.
Celestia just stares blankly at the display before her horn glows… And she quickly zaps that Discord backwards sending him flying backward, screaming comically. But she doesn’t have time to breathe when suddenly dozens of Discords pile on top of her. They all swarm around her, shouting and reaching for the cake floating beside her, but she swung her head knocking some aside and tried blasting them off with her magic. It is completely chaos as flying Discords soar all over the place and the shouts fill the castle.
“SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
They all suddenly freeze, some discords still holding onto Celestia (One of them holding her like a bull-rider) and even Celestia turns to the sound wide-eyed. They all turn to the source of the shout, a feminine one, as Princess Luna, Celestia’s sister, stands at the open doorway with bags under her eyes shouting with the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“I’M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!”
“Sorry Luna…” Celestia & The Discords apologized, in unison.
"Sorry, Lulu," One Discord said.
They stand there in awkward silence as Luna frowns before them all. She slowly steps back, closing the door as it screeches to a close. They wait until the coast is finally clear…
And resume their zany antics, all the Discords once more trying to reach for that cake. Celestia kept struggling to keep the cake out of reach from all the grabby Discords, yelping when one of the Discords grabbed her the wrong way. Frowning, her magic aura builds up until she could no longer hold it in.
“ENOUGH!!!!” Celestia shouted.
The Royal Canterlot voice breaking out from Celestia, one of the rare moments for her, and her magic exploding ten-folds, a large light shrouded across the room sending all the Discords flying. For a brief moment, Canterlot Castle lit up and rumbled as Celestia’s voice echoed all over Equestria, drawing many eyes toward the castle and sending birds flying from the trees. As the light slowly settled and as the Princess breathed in and out, she looks about the center of the room.
All the Discords laid about on the ground, groaning in pain. Some were stacked atop each other in piles, others wrapped their lanky bodies along the pillars. There was one Discord who tried to puff some air into a flat Discord trying to restore him to full size, and another just walking around dizzily and spouting gibberish. Seeing the results of her actions, Celestia chuckles to herself and grabs the cake with one hoof, slowly leaning it toward her mouth.
Unbeknownst to her, a Discord’s talon slowly lifts up as he eyes her angrily. A snap later and Celestia bites the cake….
BAM!!!
Celestia’s eyes widen as she cringes in pain. Her jaw starts to sting as she realized she just bit into a rock, shaped like Celestia’s cake. She bit so hard, the enamel… No, the teeth themselves began to form cracks as a tear slowly falls from her eye.
“OWW!!!!” Celestia cried, holding her jaw.
As she groaned in pain, clutching her mouth, a maniacal laugh escapes from Discord as all the duplicates disappear one-by-one. Until all that remained was the real Discord, eyeing the pained Princess.
“Hey!” Celestia exclaimed. “You can’t do that!”
“HA-HA!!! Now we’re at a crossroads,” Discord chuckled. “If I can’t have the cake, neither can you!”
As the draconequus laughs hysterically, Celestia’s gleeful grin instantly turned into a displeased frown. All that stood between them is a cake now coated in rock, inedible to either of them.
“You see Princess, I can do whatever I want, when I want! I’m Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disorder! I have no idea why I even signed a contract with you in the first place. But from now on, chaos will rule Equestria once again!”
The statement emanating from the draconequus irked the princess further, as her horn began to glow a bright yellow. As Discord continued to laugh, mocking the Princess’s pain, Celestia charged her magical energy so great that bits and pieces of the castle, even the stone-encased cake, floated in mid-air.
In the meantime, Discord snapped his fingers furiously turning everything into complete disarray. The thrones turned purple, the ground hilly and plaid, a large hole forming in the ceiling, and grape juice rained from cloud-colored pillows in mid-air.
“Ooh! I’ve forgotten how good it feels to cut loose,” Discord snickered, fiendishly. “I love this job; it’s so much fun!”
Suddenly, without hesitation, Celestia suddenly shot a powerful yellow beam of magic out of her horn. It struck the laughing trickster with tremendous force, covering him in its radiance. The magic swept along him so fiercely, making the cheeks of his mouth flail backward (Even his eyelids). After a few seconds, the magic swept passed him and he waits in anticipation with his eyes closed. He peeks his eyes open, looks all over his body, then around him.
Everything around him seemed to turn back to normal, even the chocolate cake looked eatable once more. All was quiet in the room, but nothing else seemed to happy. He smirks as he turns toward the princess.
“HA… HUH?”
Confused, Discord suddenly flinches as his toe is frozen, as if his leg were falling asleep. He looks down and his eyes turn wide as his body slowly starts turning into stone. He tries to move away or snap his fingers, but his magic wouldn’t function, and bits of his body were covered in stone. Even his wings turned hard as rock.
“Wha—what did you do to me?!” Discord cried, trying to move.
“Just putting you on time out,” Celestia smiled. “That should hold you for, oh… A thousand years!”
Smirking, Princess Celestia approaches the chocolate cake forcing Discord to watch as she starts making quick work of the dessert before his eyes. And Celestia enjoys every moment of it as she slowly turns toward the door, without a single glance toward the slowly imprisoned spirit.
“This should teach you two lessons, old friend,” Celestia continued. “One, there is no bigger troll than me. And two… Nobody… Messes… With my… Cake!”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Discord screamed, before his face turns to stone.
<>
RING!!!!!!
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Discord screams, clutching his face as he lunged out of bed. He quickly grabs the alarm clock off the counter and hurls it straight toward the wall, smashing it into pieces as gears and springs popped out. Discord takes deep breathes, tracing his paw and talons around his body relieved to feel a fur coat, among other things. It was all just a dream, as Discord lays back onto the bed sighing in relief.
“Can’t I have a normal dream?” Discord asked to himself.
“May I have a normal dream?”
A feminine voice made Discord’s eyes widen as he slowly turns toward the left. To his surprise, even for him, lying right next to him with a mischievous smile was Princess Celestia, her colorful mane flowing without a breeze in the room. Discord was about to speak, when Celestia held her hoof to his lips silencing him instantly. Using her magic, she hovers a silver tray over toward the bed till it was positioned between the two, covered by a lid. Discord eyes Celestia suspiciously, but the Princess moves her eyes up and down, from the tray to Discord.
Discord cautiously lifts the lid off the tray… And a gasp escapes his lips. Before his very eyes was not one, but two slices of Chocolate Cake. He turns back toward Celestia, who nods silently with a smile. Discord snaps his fingers and summons two plates, one for himself and one for the Princess, who hovers each slice onto a plate. They pick up two spoons sitting on the tray, each scooping a piece of the chocolate dessert. They turn to each other, clink their spoons together, then reach to nab a bite…
Only for Celestia to lean forward and eat Discord’s bite, as he watches wide-eyed as the Princess giggles to herself. Discord faces toward the front, with an annoyed look on his face.
That princess really can be a troll…
