The first thing Applejack did upon stepping onto her land was to send Apple Bloom to her room with a promise she wouldn't tell Granny Smith what she'd been up to in exchange for Apple Bloom doing the elder sister's chores tomorrow. The second thing she did was walk towards the barn, passing the tall, wide trunked trees which were her livelihood. The bushy leaves sheltered her as Celestia's sun lowered, leaving the land shrouded in darkness.
It should be about an hour until supper time. She had an hour to do...something. Anything really. The adrenaline of the day's events, panicking about Apple Bloom's safety and fighting the chimera was fading. Melancholy was taking its place. She didn't like melancholy. She longed to move, to do something. She didn't like to think or feel. She could help Granny Smith with the cooking, should really, but she didn't feel like that.
She shook her head. Me not wantin' to cook? What's goin' on with me? She didn't want to be around others. There were no chores left for her to do. Apple Bloom had taken care of quite a bit, much to her credit. Maybe there was some wood for her to chop. Without even thinking about it, she realized she had been walking to the barn. She pushed it open and strolled onto the hay covered floor. Big Mac must've chopped up all the wood already. She laid down on the scratchy hay, nibbled a bit at the bale. Not being particularly hungry, she stopped.
There had to be something for her to do, other than sit here and think or worse, feel. She rapidly blinked her eyes. Images flashed before her mind. Seeing that demon spring. How close had Apple Bloom come to being a meal? How close had she come to losing yet another family member she cared about?
Too close. This time, it had been too close. Letting her stay home alone had been a mistake, she was convinced of that now. Apple Bloom was still too young. Yet, she couldn't help but feel that part of this had been her fault. She'd over-reacted. Driven Apple Bloom away. And if Apple Bloom had gotten hurt...
Her breath hitched and she pulled up the axe. With a mighty heave, she swung it down. The barn shook and a piece of wood was reduced to splinters. She grabbed up a second piece of wood, similarly splitting it apart. Splinters sprayed all along the ground.
She grabbed up a third one, let it fall from her hooves. Let the axe fall from her mouth. She was unable to continue to deny the tears welling up in her eyes. Those memories kept flashing before her eyes. The chimera lunging for Apple Bloom, its claws out.
There were other memories too, older memories pricking at scars she'd thought were long healed. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she pressed her face into the hay, hoping that it would muffle the sounds of her sobbing.
The door creaked open and Applejack jumped up, whirled around. Big Mac stood at the threshold. Applejack sniffled, wiped at her eyes. "I'm gettin' a cold. Too much darned hay in here." Her face screwed up like she'd bitten into a lemon.
"Eenope. Apple Bloom told me all about today."
"Really?"
"She seemed to have learned her lesson. Don't know if you did."
"What do ya mean by that?"
She was shocked when she felt his forelegs envelop her in a hug. "Are you alright, Sis?"
Her first instinct was to pull away, insist she was fine, but she found that she couldn't. His embrace was so warm. Comforting. He ran a hoof through her mane. She leaned into his chest. "I'm fine."
"No, you're not. Let it out, Applejack."
Applejack bit her lip. "No, no, I can't."
He rubbed her back. "You're gonna have to. You're gonna fall apart eventually, so it might as well be now."
She furiously shook her head. "N-no. I can't. I gotta be strong."
"Nope. Not all the time." He held her closer.
She struggled against his embrace, trying to break away from the gentle giant's hug. Like when she was a filly, she found it was impossible. He held her effortlessly, not even struggling to keep her close to him. His scent was familiar and comfortable. It reminded her...it reminded her...it was like being held by another older stallion.
One that would never hold her again.
The tears sprang to her eyes again, but she wouldn't let them fall. She was too strong. She couldn't cry. Not in front of him. She'd start to cry and never stop, drown in her sorrow. "W-why's it still hurt? It's been so long, why does it still hurt?"
He ran his hoof through her mane, said nothing. Perhaps he had no answers either. The tears were welling up, finally spilled down her cheeks. Sobs ripped through her frame, her entire body shuddering as she unabashedly sobbed on Big Mac's shoulder. He continued to rub her mane as she wept against him, shaking in his embrace. "I was so scared today." The words were broken, muffled by sobs. "Sh-she coulda been hurt. I-I didn't even h-have the heart to y-yell at her. I-I was just so happy she was alive." She took in a deep, shuddering breath. "It-it woulda been my fault."
He brushed away her tears. "Nope."
She pushed him away, for all the good it did. He didn't even react to her pounding her hooves against his chest. "It woulda been! I acted like a crazy Pony today! Of course she ran off!"
He lumbered towards her, stroked her cheek. "Eenope. What she chose to do was her own choice."
"I sure as Tartarus helped!" Applejack stomped her hoof. "I drove her away!"
"It wasn't your fault. It never was."
The unspoken took her breath away. Silence descended between the siblings. It was dark in the barn, only shafts of silver moonlight peeking through the window and the cracks in the barn walls. Her shoulders started to heave, her chest aching with sobs. Not that he could see it. It was okay to fall apart in the darkness.
He lumbered towards her again. "We need to talk about this. We shoulda talked about this when you were a little filly. But you wouldn't. You were too wrapped up in your own pain." He hugged her again. She rested against him, too tired to argue.
In that safe space, wrapped up in his forelegs, she allowed the memories to flood her. That last trip with her parents. The earth suddenly shaking. She shuddered as memory overwhelmed her. Her mother turning around to scold her for poking Big Mac and then the land breaking apart.
The memories ceased there. There were other memories too, but she could never make then come. At that point, she was shaking against him. All he could do was offer her the solace of his presence.
"You know it wasn't your fault."
She shook her head. "I wanna believe that. But what if it was?"
"How could it have been? How can ye even think that?"
This time when she shoved him, it did move him back, if only about half an inch. "If I hadn't been messing around, if she hadn't been distracted, maybe she'd have noticed..." It was too painful to continue that though so she broke off into sobs. He approached her to hold and comfort her again, but she backed away. "What if it was my fault?"
"You were a child and what the hell could you have done about an earthquake?"
"Maybe, maybe..." She trailed off again. All those years that burden had laid on her back. That she had done something wrong and that's why her parents had perished. But what could she have done? "Maybe, maybe, they'd have been able to..."
He wrapped his forelegs around her again, nuzzled her. "It wasn't your fault. Please, Applejack, stop torturing herself."
"I was so scared." She trembled. "Goddess, Maccy..."
Big Mac hadn't heard that nickname since his colthood. He rubbed her mane. "Go on."
"The world stopped making sense after that. That's why I had to go away to Manehattan. I thought the world might make sense there."
"But it didn't, did it?"
She returned the embrace. "I wish I hadn't been actin' up. I wish Mama's last words hadn't been yellin' at me. I wish...I wish I could've told her one last time...how much I...how much I loved her..." She broke again, sobbing onto his chest. "I wish I could've h-heard her tell me o-one last time th-that she loved me."
"Don't ye remember her last words to us?"
Applejack found that she couldn't. Everything after the cart falling down the mountain was a blur. Earth Pony strength and resilience only went so far. They had fallen down.
Everything was black after that.
"You really don't remember? Mama's last words to you wasn't yellin'."
They hadn't been? Why couldn't she remember?
Two warm bodies rapidly growing colder, wrapping her up with her brother. Broken rocks all around them, but none on her. The rocks were crushing Mama and Papa, but not her. No. They were somehow standing over them while holding them in their forelegs. Blood was dripping down their lips, magic allowing them to stand. "Jaccy...Mac...w-we're gonna set you down. You gotta go."
"Mama! No!"
"Listen to your Mama." Papa panted. "You gotta go. Get help."
Mac's eyes were wide. "We can't leave ya!"
Mama panted. "We're sorry, Young'n's...we can't hold these rocks back for long..."
Her magic was rapidly fading and with it her life force. "We love ya. We always will."
"We love you." Papa echoed and they both kissed them. Then they had let them down. Big Mac grabbed Applejack and they ran as the rocks crushed their parent's bodies.
Applejack gasped. "Why didn't I remember?"
"Mind protects ya sometimes. Doesn't let ya remember things."
"They sacrificed their last bit of magic to save us."
"Eeyep."
Applejack shook her head. "If we hadn't been there, they could've..."
"Could've what? Holding back those rocks was it for their magic. They could've run-maybe-but they were too far gone. Why do you keep trying to blame yourself?"
"Because...because..."
"Because if it's your fault you can do somethin' about it? You can keep everyone you love safe? Guess what? You can't."
She gasped. "Yeah, I can. I can alright? I got to."
"No, ya can't. Granny's gonna die one day. Apple Bloom's gonna die one day. I'm gonna die one day. Fluttershy and Twilight and all of'em. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle are gonna die one day-hopefully a long, long time from now, but it's gonna happen."
She shook her head. "I know that! But, but I can keep this family safe!"
Big Mac sighed. "Sure ye can. But you can't be watching her every day. She's gonna get married one day. She's gonna wanna live with her husband, have her own family. Maybe she'll get hurt out there in the big, wide world, but you can't make her stay here. What would you do? Tie her up and toss her in the barn?"
Applejack actually laughed at the image. "I've thought about it once or twice."
"So have I after some of her dumber crusadin' ideas. But we can't. Eventually, she'd hate us even if she was safe."
"So, what can we do?"
Big Mac sighed. "Same thing I do. You know how worried I get every time you and the girls go out to fight some monster with those Elements of yours?"
Applejack nodded. "I'd never thought about it."
"I'm terrified every time. But I know I can't stop ye. It'd hurt you. Hurt Equestria. So all I can do is spend time with you and Granny and Apple Bloom and everyone else I love. That's all you can do."
A smile spread across her features. "Thanks, Big Bro. I...I needed this talk."
"I know. You've been needing it for a while." He squeezed her once. "Now let's get some supper."
She followed him out of the barn.
