Life Is Like A Box Of Active Grenades!
Disclaimer: I am not currently affiliated with the Fox Broadcasting Company or Hasbro Studios.
Intro
“Brian, I need you to take me to the mall.”
Brian looked over his computer and frowned, “Stewie I can’t, I’m trying to find a new idea for my upcoming book.”
“Brian, I’m ordering you to take me to the mall, this is more important than that time I thought the Cookie Monster finally overcame his addiction,” he paused and went to shut down Brian's computer.
“Stewie! What the hell!”
“Listen Brian, two weeks ago I signed up for the lottery at the mall, and I'm pretty sure I will win it.”
Brian jerked back a bit, “you used your time machine right?”
Stewie nodded, “mhmhm, I just wait to see the look of fools on everyone's face, it'll be better that when Taylor Swift was interrupted by the president.”
“You mean Kanye West?”
“That's why the president.”
Realization overcame Brian's senses, causing him to smile.
"Alright, I'll take you on the condition that you will give me some of the money."
“You know we're gonna have to go through the bureaucracy, right?”
“Alright,” Brian turned his computer on again, "find someone else to take you, plus I don't think they'll give the prize to a baby."
Stewie frowned, “Fine, but you only get one share of the prize.”
“How much is the money anyway?”
“100,000 thousand.”
“Stewie that’s great!” Brian beamed thanks to the news, “with just a little bit of that I can advertise my books into another level.”
“And I’ll have an unlimited source for gay clubs…”
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
Brian closed his computer again and placed it aside, "we should get going, I don’t want to get late for that.”
“You know Brian, even if I give you 10,000 dollars you should spend it better on someone who's willing to write your stories for you.”
Someone rushed down the stairs, “someone said 10,000 dollars?!”
Peter appeared out of the kitchen with a frown.
“Shut up Meg- I mean Chris.”
Chris started sniffing and went back up the stairs, “mom! Dad called me a Meg!”
Silence elapsed for five seconds, interrupted by Peter of course, “I heard you're going to the mall, what are you going to do there?”
The two locked gazes before they turned to look at him again, “uhhh, I was going to take Stewie to the mall, for the-”
“Controversial exposition, yeah I was planning to go to it with the guys.”
Peter got down on his knees and started stroking Stewie, "who's my big boy who's going to see his first controversial steps."
“NO, don’t touch me fatman, I order you, AHHHHHH!”
“Just like a little Jeffrey Epstein.”
“Uhhh Peter, I don’t think you are supposed to say that.”
He lowered his head, “awwww I thought that outside of Fox we could finally say provocative things,” he quickly turned back and started crying, “Louis! The author doesn’t let me say controversial things!”
--//--
Quahog Mall
“Look there it is,” Stewie pointed to a large crowd, and the two increased their pace.
“Good afternoon I’m Tom Tucker, I'm right now in the Quahog Mall where a large crowd is waiting for the announcement of the mall’s lottery,” he moved to the right, “let's talk to someone of the common folk here, tell me sir if you win the lottery what will you do with the money?”
“Well my wife’s credit card was stolen the other day.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that sir.”
“Yeah, I haven’t bothered reporting it though, because the thief spends much less than my wife, he has even sent gifts to me, if I win this lottery there is a chance that I actually will become rich!”
“Well, thank you for your worthless commentary that will surely be forgotten unless you are a celebrity on tv,” the news reporter moved to his right again, “talking about celebrities, we have many of them this day.”
The camera turned to face a line, “here we have Homer Simpson from the Simpsons, Dexter from Dexter’s Lab, Littlepip from uhhh Fallout Equestria, Donald J. Trump from the White House sitcom, a guy making robot noises, a stickbug trying to burn down the mall, Eric Cartman from South Park, Discord from-what?”
He paused and looked at the camera again, “sorry folks but I was just told it's too early to reveal this character, but continuing with the line at the end of it there's a white pony with a blond mane- what?.... oh I was just told that it’s too controversial to even mention that character, alright then, let’s interview this fat kid.”
“Ay! Goddamnit!”
“Tell me fatboy, what are you doing here?”
“What the beep dude, they told me they were going to bias Family Guy if I accepted to appear on it, they also said that I could ask some questions to Arya-”
“Sorry Eric, but it seems that the lottery results will finally be revealed in this ironic moment.”
Stewie went to the front of the crowd, “oh I’m so excited! This is better than the time that kid from Malcolm in the Middle lost to a sock.”
“Also, I want to thank cheesegod.com for their Family Guy joke generator, now the author can make jokes as clever and funny as the ones you find in Family Guy.”
The announcer tapped her microphone several times-
“START SPEAKING NOW!”
She cleared her throat, “the winning numbers for the lottery are, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, and 06.”
Everyone in the crowd groaned in unison.
“What?!” Stewie looked down at his ticket.
07
“No! I planned this cautiously! How it went so wrong.”
“Oh don’t worry Stewie,” Brian placed a paw on his friend’s back, “surely there was an error in the past, it’s not your fault you we-you didn’t win, I mean, after all it was for only one number.”
“I don’t understand why it went so wrong,” he tapped his chin before his eyes widened in realization, “of course! Time must be variable in our two timelines.”
“What?” Brian askes with a raised eyebrow.
“You see Brian, when talking about time we could say it is very unexpected, especially now that I realized that I should have jumped into a closer timeline in the past.”
“So… this is over, we should head back then.”
Stewie raised his left hand, “but no worries Brian, I have a backup plan.”
“You have?”
“That’s right! And I know what we need to do,” Stewie took a remote control out of his pocket, and turned it on with a small switch on the right side of it.
“Wait that’s the-”
“The multiverse remote control!” he said victoriously, “let me tell you a secret Brian, do you remember every time we have gone to the multiverse.”
“Yeah, of course, how could I possibly forget that.”
“Every time we went to another dimension, I always avoided one in particular, one Brian where anyone's dreams can come true, I like to call it, the luck dimension, and then victory shall be mine!”
“The luck dimension? Does that mean that people that leave there can acquire free luck?”
“No-no-no Brian,” he quickly interceded, “there’s no people there, just animals and a luck pond.”
“Just animals and a luck pond? That sounds like Florida to me.”
“No, there’s literal luck in that pond! you just submerge whatever you want to get lucky, and it'll give it.”
“So you’re planning to submerge the ballot, and win the lottery,” a smile appeared on his muzzle, “that means that if I submerge my computer there, I will get lucky with my books right?”
Stewie blinked, keeping a neutral mask, “ye-ye-yes of course Brian, yes yes,” he pressed the button of the remote control, “OOPS! I pressed the button, time to go Brian.”
“Wait!” Brain took out his phone, “I need to see-”
“No Brian, turn down the phone!”
"OH MY GOD! THE STICKBUG JUST DESTROYED THE TARGET!!!"
Chaos ensued.
Suddenly, Brian's phone exploded in his hands, startling both of them. The remote control seemed to be taking longer than expected, the world around them became blurry, and they began to feel like being washed in water.
“Stewie! What’s happening!”
“I do-n-n’t know!”
KABOOM!
Stewie slowly opened his eyes. His body felt heavy, and his mind was blurry.
He began to sit slowly while groaning. Suddenly, his eyes widened, "Brian."
He looked behind him, finding a field, "Brian, where are you?"
He stood up quickly and walked slowly into the woods ahead of him, "Brian, please say something!"
"I'm scared," he mumbled.
The forest was dark, and eyes seemed to be forming in the gloomy trees.
Something moved behind him, and his reaction was to pull out his ray gun, pointing it forwards.
"I warn you, I have two cards in my pockets, one from Geico and another one to redeem something at Victoria's Secret!"
A movement was heard again from behind.
"Why, of all places, why do people like to choose the Everfree Forest for an HiE?"
He stopped, and turned to see some blue flowers.
"Huh," his face fell to disinterest, "some neat looking flowers."
He knelt and picked one, his suddenly stomach grumbled, "oh my God, I haven't eaten anything since we left."
Looking at the flower with an appreciative look, he shrugged afterwards, "what's the worst thing that can happen."
He picked several flowers, and ate them all, licking his fingers afterwards.
"Huh, tastes like chicken."
He turned around, and put his ray gun away in one of his pockets. Instead of feeling the satisfaction that he wanted, his mind started to become fuzzy again. He fell to the ground, closing his eyes tightly while struggling.
"That's why-- kids can't use drugs."
His eyes closed, and he fell into the deep void of sleep.
"Lyra, can you tell me what we're doing at this hour in these woods again," the earth pony said irritably.
"Shhhh," Lyra put a hoof over her friend's mouth, "I saw something, I promise."
She rolled her eyes and kept walking forwards. The two abruptly stopped when they saw a yellow colt lying on the ground near a small field of poison flowers.
They both exchanged looks, and ran up to him, "awww poor thing, we have to take him to Ponyville now Lyra!"
"But-but, something weird happened here, I promise."
"He needs a doctor, look at him," Bon Bon placed him on her back, "we can't leave him alone, especially in this place, we have to get him to the hospital now."
Lyra was quiet for several seconds, sighing again, "okay... Let's go, but can we come back later?"
"Lyra!"
"Okay!" They both turned around and started galloping towards Ponyville.
A white figure appeared from the bushes, "Stewie, is that you?"
He slowly walked up to the flowers, and looked at them with a raised eyebrow, "huh, neat looking flowers."