Human Technology

by Completely Insane

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1854

In an attempt to show off his obvious superiority and impress the locals, the new human in town shows off his fabled human technology.

Anonymous, having recently arrived in Equestria, has decided to show off the powerful technology that human ingenuity has brought to the world. In doing so, he plans to assert his dominance over the locals and earn some money.

Unfortunately(?) for Anon, things don't go exactly as planned.

Amazing Audio Adaptation by Steam Writer

Published 2021-01-20 22:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-20 22:40:00 UTC

The Peak of Human Ingenuity

"We just need to grab a few more bottles of vinegar, and then we'll be all set for the picnic later today!" Twilight replaced her list in her saddlebags and began to trot across the marketplace. She was stopped only a moment later when Spike grabbed her tail and tugged on it.

Twilight turned around, annoyed and ready to reprimand him, but saw the dragon pointing at something they must have missed on their way through the market when they passed through earlier.

Standing at a mass of wood and nails that vaguely resembled a stand and wearing what looked like a black, shiny sack, was the local oddity: the human Anonymous. He'd shown up a little over a month ago, apparently from another world, and Twilight, as the Princess of Friendship, had helped him settle into Ponyville and did her best to introduce him to Equestria. Unfortunately, she hadn't seen much of him since, as he had locked himself up in his house and never seemed to leave.

However, it seemed he'd made an exception for today, and as he noticed her staring he quickly smiled and waved her over. "Hey, Twiggles! Lizard boy! Come be the first to see and buy real human technology." Anon gestured to his stand, where a few contraptions were laid out. "This stuff is beyond anything you've ever seen before."

At the mention of advanced technology from another world, Twilight's interest was piqued. When he had first arrived in Equestria, she and the other princesses had asked him some questions about both himself and his homeworld. Although the majority of his answers didn't particularly interest her, mostly being about his life in his mother's basement, his descriptions of his world's technology fascinated her. Anon had talked for a while about what he called "the boring stuff," which consisted of gadgets like communication devices, self-driving carriages, and flying machines, before going on about sabers of light that could cut through anything and vacuum cleaning devices that could also administer "the good succ," whatever that was.

Upon hearing her chance to see some of Anon's technology, she trotted over to his stand with Spike in tow, who was muttering about being called a lizard. However, when she got closer to the table where the so-called wares were laid out, her excitement was replaced with confusion. Most of what she could see on the table was everyday odds and ends, stuck together with lots of tape and glue.

Her brow furrowed and she looked up at Anon with a slight frown. "Sorry if I'm mistaken, but isn't this all just stuff you can get at any store?" She took a closer look at Anon's strange outfit. "And... are you wearing a trash bag?"

Anon laughed loudly and exaggeratedly, catching the attention of a few other passersby. "And that kind of primitive thinking is exactly why humans are so much more advanced than you! We take things and we improve them! Innovating on what we already have is the only reason we made it so far."

Anon smiled at the gathering crowd and walked over to where Spike had picked up one of Anon's gadgets. Snatching it from the dragon and giving him a shove on his head, he held up two paper cups connected by a string. Gazing at the ponies now surrounding his mess of a stand, he announced, "Who would like to volunteer to be the first to use futuristic long-ranged communication technology?"

A few murmurs from the crowd were interrupted by a pink mare bouncing up and down and shouting, "Ooh, me, me! Pick me!" Pinkie Pie materialized in front of Anon and waved her hooves in front of him.

Anon gave one of the cups to Pinkie Pie, who suddenly went still in awe of the power she held in her hooves. Gesturing to the cup still in his hand, he once again addressed his audience. "Before humans created the smartphone, we used these to talk with each other from far away! For thousands, no, millions of years, the primary method of distant communication was this."

His voice took on a hushed tone as he spoke reverently. "One of the most amazing human inventions of all time: Two Cups and a String (Unofficially patented by Anonymous' Amazing Ammunition and Automation)."

The human's theatrics garnered several gasps from some of the ponies around the stand, but also some quizzical stares from others. Pinkie Pie was among the former; she squealed in joy and began to jump around again. "Oh my gosh, this is so exciting! How does it work?" She thoroughly inspected the cup held in her hooves, going so far as to almost stick her muzzle in it.

A boop from a reprimanding finger caught her attention as Anon shook his head at her and sighed. "Unfortunately, due to my strict budget, I didn't have enough string to make the Two Cups and a String (Unofficially patented by Anonymous' Amazing Ammunition and Automation) work at extreme distances, but we can still do a demonstration with what we have."

He lifted his cup up to his face, which tugged on the foot of string between his and Pinkie Pie's cup and making the party pony rear up to keep holding her cup. Anon turned to the crowd again and spoke loud enough for everypony to hear.

"Now, Pinkie Pie will hold her cup to her ear —" He waited until Pinkie had stuffed her ear in her cup "— and I will speak into my cup. Due to the science that I have used in making this device, she will be able to hear me!"

He then aligned the cup with his mouth and proceeded to scream into it just a foot from Pinkie's ear, "BUY WHILE SUPPLIES LASTS! ONLY 999 BITS PER CUP! STRING SOLD SEPARATELY."

Pinkie Pie, who could not stand having her ear violated in such an abrasive way, shot into the air before deflating onto the ground, where she lay unmoving. The sudden and unexpected noise also startled the rest of the ponies in the crowd, causing a commotion as those standing too close to the sonic weapon that was Anon tried to escape with their lives, or more accurately, their eardrums.

Anon, suddenly noticing the chaos he had caused, chuckled and held his hands up, dropping his cup. "Sorry folks, just a slight miscalibration in the science on my part. I guess I made it too powerful to be used at close ranges like this. But at least we know it works!"

Twilight, having silently observed Anon's spiel about his "futuristic human gadgets" and the assault on her friend, not to mention her own aching ears, finally spoke up. "Anon, this isn't technology! It's just a bunch of random pieces of trash thrown together!" She flew up in front of him and pointed an accusing hoof at him. "I can't believe you're trying to rip ponies off with this."

Applejack, who was also standing among the spectators when Anon demonstrated his product, stepped forward as well, a stern look on her face. "Ah can't believe ya either, Anon. Why, it's just like those Flim 'n' Flam brothers that were here a while back. Sellin' things that ain't doing what they should. You should be ashamed o' yourself."

Anon, fuming from the criticism from his audience, shook his head. "What is wrong with you all?" He glared at Applejack and Twilight before shaking a fist at them both. "Here I am, giving you the future of your world, and you're just throwing it, no, ME, away?"

He huffed, silent for a moment before a smirk slid across his face. "You don't think my Cups (Unofficially patented by Anonymous' Amazing Ammunition and Automation) are technology?" Anon stepped back to his stand, where he picked up a spray can and another small object. "You don't think I have technology? Well, I'll show you technology!"

Anon held his device up to Twilight and laughed maniacally. "Behold, an all-powerful human weapon: the flamethrower!"

He flicked the small object in his left hand, which produced a small flame which he held up to the spray can. With one push, the spray can unleashed what became a torrent of flames. The fire shot out and nearly scorched Twilight, who teleported out of harm's way.

As the flames grew, Anon laughed harder and louder, shouting to the ponies that fled the marketplace in terror. "YOU DON'T WANT MY TECHNOLOGY? FINE! I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO GIVE IT TO YOU!" He sprayed the flames out of his flamethrower onto the nearby houses, which instantly caught fire. Amid the screams of terror and the roar of flames, the hoofsteps of six ponies could be heard approaching Anon.

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and the reinvigorated Pinkie Pie stood in the middle of the burning town, with Twilight casting a protective bubble around them to keep the flames out. With her friends all by her side, Twilight stepped forward and called out, "You don't have to do this, Anon. We can talk this out or something!"

Seeing ponies still not bowing before him and begging for his marvelous human technology, Anon snapped even further. He ran over to the remains of his stand to where Spike was still nervously standing. Anon shoved the baby dragon to the ground and held his flamethrower up, pointed directly at the dragon's face. He looked at the six ponies, and with spittle flying from his mouth he roared, "IF YOU DON'T BOW BEFORE ME RIGHT NOW, I'LL BURN HIM TO A CRISP!"

The six friends shared a confused look among themselves, while Spike ceased his crying and whimpering to look at Anon as if he had lost his mind (which he had). A few seconds passed, and when Anon did not see any bowing or groveling he smiled evilly.

"Say hello... er, goodbye to your little friend." He sprayed his flamethrower onto Spike, who was silent as the fire washed over him. An awkward silence fell over the town as Anon continued to shoot fire onto Spike for over a minute until his spray can sputtered and stopped. Anon, breathing heavily, turned to stare at the six ponies, who stared back with dumbfounded expressions. He looked back down at Spike, who looked almost bored, just lying there on the ash.

Anon looked at the flame thrower in his hands and the ruined town around him. Around them, the fires that had spread had been put out by pegasi and rain clouds, but the damage was still severe. Several houses had been burned down, and the marketplace was an absolute mess.

Standing up, Anon discarded his weapon and dusted off his somewhat melted ~~trash bag~~ futuristic suit. He gave a small grin to the six mares standing nearby, who did not seem amused. A royal carriage approaching from the sky made the human's smile turn into a frown, and he shrugged at the ponies and held his hands up in a placating manner. "I may have gotten a little carried away..."