Why won't you leave me alone?
I blinked, hard. When I once more opened my eyes the view that met me had not changed. The same circular wooden walls , the same thick curtains flung across the windows, blocking out the daylight. I took a deep, ragged breath, at the same time as wiping a stray lock of hair from my face. I hadn’t taken care of myself, what was the point? It wasn’t like I was going to present myself anytime soon. I hadn’t left the library for, I don’t know how long now, it didn’t really matter anymore.
In the first couple of days my friends kept up a constant visit, taking it in turns to stay with me. They told me it was to make sure I was ok, but I knew it was so that I didn’t do anything stupid. I wasn’t going to do anything stupid though, she wouldn’t have wanted it. I gulped, the lump in my throat hurting as I swallowed it. I sat down on the couch, hooves gently massaging my temples as if I were deep in thought, which I guess I was.
After the first few days they realised that all I wanted was to be left alone, and they complied. They told me things like ‘It will all be ok’ and ‘It can only get better’, false words that cut me deep down, reminding me of the past, I would have preferred it if they stayed silence. But I couldn’t blame them, they just wanted what was best for me, but right now I don’t even know what is best for me.
I had been alone since that time, wandering aimlessly around the house, I wouldn’t eat or drink if I didn’t know that she would have wanted me to stay strong. I knew this because she constantly told me so.
“Come on my prized pupil, you need to eat some lunch.” A sweet, gentle voice told me off to my left.
I ignored it, holding my breath and counting to ten in my mind, like I was trying to get rid of hiccoughs. I started breathing again and glanced over at the source of the voice, in equal parts grief and relief I noted that she was still there.
I thought back to the first time I heard her, the day after my friends promised to stop visiting for a while. I had been lying on the couch, pillow pressed over my face like I was being smothered. I was breathing raggedly, each breath drawing out more tears, staining the pillow. It was completely silent, the only noise being a small, imperceptible ruffling as the soft summer breeze moved the curtains.
“Don’t cry Twilight.”
I jumped to my hooves, pillow flung to one side as I twisted my head around, searching for the sound of the familiar, warm voice. And there she was, standing regally by a tall oak bookcase, looking down at me in a motherly way.
I remember walking towards her and stretching out one hoof.
“You’re dead.” I had stated, more to confirm it with myself that to inform the mare in front of me.
“I know.”
“How?”
But she had just stood there smiling, I didn’t know it at the time but that was the first time of many that she neglected to reply. I had rubbed my eyes in an effort to get rid of the sleep and tears that had accumulated. When I looked once again she was gone. I had stomped my hoof in anger, lashing out against the nearest bookcase.
“Don’t do this to me...” I had said, taking deep, calming breaths. “I can’t handle it.” I had continued in a barely audible whisper.
She had reappeared with increasing regularity as the days wore on, no longer disappearing after a few seconds but never letting me near to her and never answering anything. I had learnt quickly to try and ignore her, not to even consider her, or I would quickly lose my mind, if I even had one left.
However, no matter how hard I ignored her, I could not disobey. I slowly rose to my feet, taking my time on the way to the kitchen. I hadn’t bought anything in weeks and I was down to just a few bits and pieces, but I didn’t care, food was food.
I also hadn’t cried in a while, that was a sign of improvement, or I could just have easily cried myself out.
“It’ll be ok Twilight.”
I snapped, I couldn’t take it anymore, enough was enough.
“ You’re not real!” I shouted at her, firing a pillow at her with my magic, but it stopped short in the air and fell to the ground.
She just stood there smiling, I had originally found that smile comforting, like she was letting me know everything was going to be alright. Now though, it just looked like she was mocking me, mocking the way I was slowly losing my mind, succumbing to the hallucinations that plagued me, always of her. The memories haunting me in day as well as even in my dreams. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“You have to be strong Twilight.”
I had lost count of how many times she had repeated that line, drilling it into my head, the words reverberating around, sapping my energy.
“No.” I stated firmly, not in response to her words, I don’t reply anymore. No this was in response to the entire situation, this entire stupid situation that left me alone in my house with my hallucinations. “You’re not real, I know you aren’t, I saw your cold, dead body.” I spat those last three words in the vain hope it would dispel the pony in front of me.
“It’ll all be ok.”
I fell to my knees, wailing to the ceiling.
“Stop it, please!” I pleaded fruitlessly, “What did I do? What do I have to do? Why won’t you leave me alone?” I curled into foetal position, forelegs clamped firmly to my chest, mumbling questions that stayed un-answered.
My eyes stayed fixed on the figure, waiting for any sort of reaction, anything at all. She just stood there smiling, looking down at me on the floor and smiling. I hated that smile, why wouldn’t it leave me be?
“I hate that smile...” I whispered, stopping the stream of questions, “I hate that smile.” I repeated it louder, no longer rocking back and forth, “I hate it!” My voice raised, cracking slightly as I stood up, “I HATE YOU!”
I clamped a hoof over my mouth, what did I just say? I can’t hate her, no matter what, so why did I say that? I glanced nervously into her eyes for any sign that she had noticed what I said. I saw something, just the slightest dimming of her eyes, but her smile stayed put.
I backed up haltingly on three legs, one hoof over my mouth. What had I done? I had really messed up now. Even more than... No, that wasn't my fault, everyone said so, all of my friends, my assistant, my parents, even the figure’s sister. But I wasn’t so sure any more. I thought back to the events and shuddered, what if it was my fault? I lowered my hoof.
“I never got to say goodbye...” I whispered, fresh tears rolling un-noticed on my cheeks, falling to the floor below. “I loved you.” I sniffled, “You were like a mother to me.”
The figure blinked.
“It’ll all be ok Twilight.”
I blinked. The figure had gone with an air of finality that told me what I had suspected, that she wasn’t going to come back. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or sad. Mostly I was confused. Was she even a hallucination? What if it was her spirit come back, waiting for me to say goodbye? What if I was just insane, all of this just some crazy dream realm I had cooked up from the confines of the mental hospital? My perception of reality was shattered, memories and visual information from my eyes blending to become one big mess of hurt. I collapsed on the floor, hyperventilating, my lungs seemingly seizing up, I couldn’t get enough air it.
I awoke in a hospital, I wasn’t sure whether it was a mental hospital or not. I slowly blinked to clear my vision. I carefully lifted myself up from my lying down position to look around the hospital room. The entire place smelt of disinfectant. I glanced over to the door, when I turned back she was there. She was sitting like she had been there all this time, waiting for me to awake, but I knew she wasn’t there before.
“Twilight.” She began warmly, “You’re very ill.”
For the first time it wasn’t some message that everything was going to be fine, or that I should be strong.
“You’re not real...” I said, unsure if I really meant it anymore. The sound of the door opening drew my attention away, when I glanced back she was gone. I sighed heavily and scrunched up my eyelids. I would be able to deal with all of this if I was left to my mourning, I would be able to move on, the start anew, and even though I knew things would never truly be the same I would have been able to get on with my life. This on the other hoof was killing me. The whole ‘constantly haunted with hallucinations of the dead’ breaking me down, shattering my perceptions, making me insane.
A doctor walked over to my bedside, told me how good it was that I was awake, how ill I was, how I would be staying here for some time. I nodded distractedly, staring at the point where she had been just a few moments ago. I felt conflicted, did I really want her gone? It was almost comforting to have her there with me, even if she was a hallucination. A quick look at the doctor dispelled those thoughts though. I needed to get rid of these wretched hallucinations if I ever wanted to have any sense of normality back.
The doctor left me after taking readings and performing tests, shutting the door carefully. I watched him go, watch as he walked away looking at the results on his clipboard, I watched as he frowned. I knew he thought I was insane.
I looked back and sure enough, there she was, the smile back. Now it felt comforting, like a mother looking after their foal after they’ve fallen and grazed themselves. I closed my eyes once more.
I had a decision to make, and I knew that I was the only one that could make this choice. At one side, my friends called for me, wanting me back the way I was, wanting me to move on. At the other side was her, smiling gently. She would never judge me, she would never hurt me, she would look after me, but there was only one way to get to her.
“You’re not real.” I stated firmly, but I reached for the scissors none the less.
