Celestia shoots everything and everyone.

by MLG Hard

Rating: mature
Tags: Death, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm, Starlight Glimmer, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, Violence
Length: 3260

Celestia shows up to Ponyville with a gun, thus chaos insures and the story spirals out of control.

Celestia, goes utterly mad, so she takes a gun to Ponyville and starts shooting, then she begins duplicating for some unknown reason, then the story spirals out of control into madness.

Published 2020-08-21 19:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-14 00:52:48 UTC

The first and last chapter.

“Hello, Celestia, why have you come to Ponyville?” Twilight Asked, as Celestia had shown up without any explanation.
Celestia took out a shiny, mostly tubular piece of metal, and she cried “EAT LEAD, MY FAITHFUL STUDENT!”
Twilight felt several points of hot agony pierce through her, she writhed and cried in pain.
She quickly gathered magic in her horn and teleported across Ponyville, but Celestia was somehow already there, in fact: multiple Celestias were there, and they sprayed more pain into her, she screamed.

“wOaH wHaT aRe We DoInG HeRe?” Discord asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Celestia responded by spraying him with lead, as well.
“A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A H” Twilight screamed out her parched throat.

Celestia’s clones then duplicated again, and again,soon they numbered in the millions, they spread over Equestria like a plague of locusts, unloading obscene quantities of lead into everything they came across, yet nothing died, these bullets seemed to only induce pain, not actual damage.

The Celestias then spread into space, they continued their process, they sprayed enough lead to create a blackhole.
“YARG!” Captain Celano cried in pain as the Celestias yeeted her with 384623845637784564374543787734548576748549595879364385637889485674! Bullets. (The ! is for factorial, not an exclamation).

“OH YES HARDER!” Luna yelled as 1462967482754628 Celestias simultaneously shot her up.
“Not again,” Cheerlie sighed as she experienced her ninth school shooting today, “Okay,you know the drill, use Apple Bloom as cover.”
Eventually the swarm found their way into the human world…

“ZOUCH!” Cried the entire population of The Czech Republic.
“Hey you gonna eat that?” Bob Murray asked Celestia, gesturing towards her lead bullets.
“No, go ahead and eat some.” she said as she brought her gun to bear on Bob.

Celestia then loaded her 747 and shot it at every single tower in existence, making Andrew Yang catch on fire, which Celestia put out by shooting him with an incendiary round.

“We’ve got to stop Celestia, she’s gone too far!” Applejack shouted over the din of constant gunfire.
“I agree, we should gather the elements.” Said Fluttershy, who for some reason wasn’t being shot at.
Fluttershy then galloped off.
“DON’T LEAVE ME WITH THIS MADPONY!” Applejack shouted, but it was too late Fluttershy was already gone.

“MUAHAHAHA!” Celestia283 cried with glee from the highest tower of canterlot.
“Hey, Celestia, there’s one thing you didn’t account for!” Fluttershy interrupted her.
“Oh, and what’s that, pray tell?” she asked.
“THIS!” the doors of the balcony behind her opened and out rolled The Panzer Of The Lake.
“You!” Celestia locked onto the Panzer with malice burning in her eyes.

“You didn’t drown me, I survived in the lake, biding my time, giving wisdom to those who passed by, I am invincible.” He stated.
Celestia let out a yell of pure rage and shot a fireball towards the Panzer.
It deflected off his armour, he responded by shooting Celestia, she died instantly.

The Panzer then flipped off the Balcony into the Streets of Canterlot, which was very impressive, considering that he was a tank.
“F A C E M E !” he yelled in an amplified voice over all of reality, all of the Celestias flew towards him at FTL speeds, but he had learnt to reload in a Planck time, so he instantly defeated them all, all of them but one…

“Please forgive me, I was not myself.” She croaked.
“What you did was unforgivable, and I shouldn’t do so…” The Panzer spoke.
“But?,” Celestia seemed to look into that Panzer for any mercy he possessed.
“I won’t.” The panzer fired a single shell, a shell to end this.

Celestia died without a sound, the ponies that had stood captivated stood shocked for a moment, then they began to clap, and cheer, the roar of the crowd grew.
“You did it!” Rarity congratulated The Panzer Of The Lake.

“Equestria no longer has a leader!” The Panzer announced to the crowd, they very quickly fell silent. “You are leaderless, therefore I nominate myself to lead!”
The crowd roared and cheered, it seemed none would oppose him.
“No, the last thing we need is another tyrant!” Twilight tried to say, but her voice was washed away by the crowd.

The Panzer Of The Lake wasted no time making himself the Totalitarian Dictator of Equestria, the ponies grew accustomed to his rule, but he spent more and more on building more panzers… until 20 years later.
“The Panzer says he’s going to build a grand panzer army.” Rainbow Dash reported, flying back from Canterlot.
“His spending is growing more and more ridiculous.” Applejack sighed.
“Nopony can oppose his might.” Twilight stated.
“EXCEPT ME!” Said Celestia6367, coming out of nowhere.
“AAAAAHH! NOT YOU AGAIn!” Rarity shouted.

“FCUK! I’VE BEEN ALIVE ALIVE ALL THIS TIME HAHAHAHA SHE SAID.” She said, incorrectly. “GEORGE YOU ASSHOLE!” She added at the asshole.
“What?” Twilight asked, clearly confused.
“Nothing, just this asshole is being a fucking bitch to the author.” she stated.
“You know, some walls are meant to stay intact¿” Twilight said.
“Well, I can defeat the Panzer now, because I have an anti-tank rifle.” She told them all.
“Why should we trust you after what you did to us all?” Twilight Asked.
“Ummm… I actually can’t answer that question.” She said.
“Twi, this is our only chance, I say we go with her.” Rainbow commented.
“Okay, let’s do it.” Twilight says reluctantly.

The ponies show up in Canterlot.
“Oh, you survived, nice,” The Panzer said, “well, I’m going now.”
The Panzer then rolled away from Equestria without another word, never to be seen again.
“Wait, we didn’t even need to kill him?” the ponies all asked, clearly confused.
“I say we never speak of this again.” Rarity said.

They all agreed to never mention this event, Celestia erased all mention of this from everypony’s memories, and life continued as before.

Author's Note

I was bored, and I felt like writing anything, so I spewed this out, I hoped you enjoyed, I don't think I'll ever revisit this, now if you excuse me, I have several terrorist attacks that need organising.*

*To those who think I'm serious: https://www.dictionary.com/browse/joke

Fine, I lied, there's more of this story.

“Hey, you guys remember that super fun time that we had yesterday?” Celestia asked.
“We have no idea what you’re on about.” The Mane Six responded.
“Oh, yeah, I had to erase it from your memories, but I promise it was super action packed.” She went on.
“Well, if we agreed to that, then it’s probably best not talked about.” Twilight said.
“Well, I would’ve but, apparently, chapter 1 wasn’t 1000 words of story content.” Celestia said as she rammed her head into your computer screen.
“WOAH, NO, DON’T INTERACT WITH THE AUDIENCE!” Rainbow cried, clearly distressed.
“Why is your [redacted] out? You’re seriously [redacted] to this? You are sick.” Celestia spoke.

Twilight sighed, and said “Just please stop.”
“In fact, I’m going to go threaten the author until he makes a third chapter, bye for now,” with that, Celestia disappeared in a flash of magical light.

“Do we go after her?” Fluttershy contributed to the conversation, for once.
“Nah, when she starts on something like this, it’s best we let her go ahead with it, besides I remember what happened yesterday, you see: Alicorns are unaffected by memory removal.” Twilight stated.
“So, what can we do?” Applejack asked.
“Finish what Celestia started: stare at the audience really intensely.” Twilight said.

They all turned and started at you really intensely, turning this from a 3rd person narrative to a 2nd person narrative. Their stares seemed to be intensifying factorially, you felt really, really uncomfortable, like really: you had never felt this uncomfortable in your life ever before.

It felt like they had been staring at you for years, in fact: they probably had been, you chuckled, it was an uncomfortable sound, it hitched in your throat and made you uncomfortable. But the thing that made you really uncomfortable was that the author was dedicating this much of the story to having the main characters do naught but stare at you.

“Woah, what are you guys doing? You’ve been gone for 3 days, I came to check on you- wait, were you staring at the audience again?” Starlight said, walking in.
“Yes.” They all replied in the most Wojak Chad voice they could muster.
“I’m not a virgin!” Starlight said, clearly irritated at what they had all implied, “I’m a Snitch Harnet’s Nest, too.”

“You know, Lorx won’t read this story, so literally nobody will understand your comparison.” Twilight said with a straight face.
“Is this entire story filler content? I think the moderators might turn it down.” Starlight said.
“Well, it’s kind of a subtle comedy that contributes to the plot, although it’s entirely subjective, it depends on who you ask.” Twilight said.
“Uh, pardon me, but why are we still here, again?” Applejack asked.
“We’re waiting for Celestia to finish molesting the author.” Twilight reminded Applejack.
“Well, we can do that in Ponyville.” Starlight said.

Reverse card beating slovakia no rights later. (Hats off to you if you understand what that means.)

“I AM A NIGGER BRONY!” Yelled an OC that was completely out of place.
“Who are you?” Twilight asked.
“Yeet!” yelled the wild OC as it ran off.
“Well, that was weird.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Yes, t’was,” Said Twilight, who felt like suddenly using a contraction.

“I AM REDUNDANTLY SUPERFLUOUSLY BEHAVING AS A SESQUIPEDALIAN!” Celestia yelled suddenly, teleporting onto Pinkie Pie’s back.
“Ouch!” Pinkie exclaimed as she collapsed from the sudden force.
“Was that really necessary?” Starlight asked.
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!” Celestia said as she drop-kicked Spike into a mountain.
“Yeah I get he doesn’t have feelings, but that was just cruel.” Rarity said.
“I KNOW!” Celestia shouted, still unwilling to stop using all caps.
“Can you stop shouting?” Applejack asked.
“NO, I AM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE!” Celestia said as she threw her hoof in the trash can, “SCORE!” She exclaimed.
The mane 7 sighed.

Celestia was doing flips through the air, she was acting really hyper-active, ridiculously so, everypony was confused, then Celestia let out a large burst of energy and she shot off towards a mountain, she made no move to avoid it, everyone cringed.
At the last moment she snapped up in a 78921G turn.
“ZOUCH!” She cried.

“Why are we still here, there is no more story plot?” Starlight asked.
“Eureka!” Twilight spoke “I get it, we’re not in reality, we’re in a construct, a place of eternal confusion, we must break free!”
“How do we do that?” Starlight asked.
“We must travel to fight the creator, this will be a hard journey, but we must learn to not fall for his tricks, Princess Celestia would never act like that, we can’t trust anyone but ourselves.” Twilight said.
“How do you know we can trust ourselves? some of us might be implanted spies or something.” Starlight asked.
“We can’t” Twilight stated simply, then she turned, “let’s start now.”

The Mane 7 stood in The Friendship castle, overlooking the Cutie Map.
“The Cutie Map is the one thing that cannot be changed, no matter what demented place you might be in.” Twilight said.

Suddenly, everypony's' Cutie Mark started to glow the map zoomed out immensely and revealed a huge world that nopony had ever seen before, and their marks hovered over a small plateau at the top of a gargantuan mountain.
“I can magically display this map with my magic.” Twilight said.
Twilight’s horn glowed and a smaller replica of the map glowed in front of her.

“Well, we better get started then!” Rainbow Dash said.

Author's Note

Fimfiction removed this for not having a high enough word count, so I thought screw it, and I’ve just set this story out on the plan of a long adventure that I’ll never have the time or commitment to finish.
Please review feedback, I eat those, I don’t want to starve.

Chapter 3

The Mane Seven had boarded The Friendship Express to take them to the edge of Equestria, they would stop at a place called “The Southern Ice Plain,” which was odd, considering it was considered a desert.
They sat in the front carriage, there only was one, and it rarely had more than one or two passengers, due to the remoteness of their destination, the obscure rail branch was only still running because the rail owners hadn’t yet reviewed the amount of passengers vs the operating cost.

The trip took the better part of a week, and when they finally arrived they just found a small campsite and a path that led up a small mountain, which looked very out of place, considering it was the only mountain around, in all other directions there was naught but a desolate expanse of frost, at the top of the mountain, there was supposedly an isolated village, there they would stop and look at their current options.

There was a small group of ponies that were already starting up the mountain, so they decided to follow them.

~1 hour later.

They all emerged at the top, they saw a loose cluster of an odd dozen houses, in the middle sat a stout building, and there was sign that described the building as a tavern, it had a few beds, but there were rarely travellers that went this far out.
“So, do we just go in?” Fluttershy asked.
“I assume so.” Starlight responded.

They pushed open the door and went in, there they saw an assortment of villagers drinking alcoholic beverages.
“Oh, my, we haven’t had travellers here for a long time.” Said a mare sitting behind the counter, presumably an employee.
“Hello, we were looking for beds for the night, a stock-up of supplies, and a guide across The Ice Plain, if you have one.” Twilight said.
“We have beds and supplies, but none of us have gone very far into The Ice Plain, I’m afraid you’re on your own there.” She said.

After a slightly restless night sleeping in old, low quality beds, the Mane Seven set out again for the Ice Plain, they exited the building, but before they had made it halfway across the village, they were intercepted by a young mare.

“Please, take me with you!” She said.
“Woah, who are you?” Rainbow asked.
“I’m Moonlight Rose, this village is a boring place, there’s so little to do, I’ve been longing for a bit of adventure.” She said.
“And how can we trust you?” Rainbow asked.
“What do you mean?” She asked, moderately perplexedly.
“I think it’ll be fine, what’s the worst that could happen? Besides, we probably need some sort of guide.” Starlight said.

They agreed to take her with them, but they would all keep an eye on her, after all, she could be a servant to whatever cruel god had thrust them into this place.
After that short encounter, they went back down the mountain, taking considerably less time to get down than they took to make it up.

They stood at the base of the mountain, Twilight was reading her magical projection of a map for directions, when she finally spoke.
“That way,” she gestured over the plain of ice.
“Well, let’s make a start now.” Applejack said.l

The trek began, their full packs weighing on their backs, as they began across the desolate expanse of frost. They went on for hours, non-stop, nopony said anything, as there was no need for unnecessary speech, everypony was already dedicating their concentration to keeping their balance on the treacherous ice.

After what seemed like forever, Starlight spoke.
“How much longer should we have to go?”
“We’re going to have to go for several days, I’m afraid.” Twilight responded.
A collective groan could be heard amongst the ponies.

In an unknown location.

A child sat on a great throne, gazing through a purple flame at a projection of the ponies, it had a faint smile on its lips.
“I’m bored, they should face some monsters or something.” it said in a screeching tone.

Back at The Ice Plain.

The ponies trekked on for the remainder of the day, when the sun finally went down, they all ached all over, and were cold, Twilight told them to start a camp, preferably she would’ve picked a sheltered spot to protect them from the harsh wind that they were starting to feel more heavily as they were no longer moving.
The ponies pitched their tents quickly, and Starlight cast a heat bubble spell, everypony was instantly grateful for the warmth that now swept over them.
When all the ponies were about to go to sleep Twilight spoke up.

“We need a sentry to keep guard for any threats.”
Moonlight Rose hastily spoke up “I’ll do it!”
“I’ll relieve you at 9PM, Starlight can fill in at 12AM, and Rainbow at 3AM.” Twilight said, drafting Starlight and Rainbow.

The night was much uneventful until Starlight filled in, she was just settling into her post as Moonlight went to sleep, she saw something low on the horizon, it was low to the ground and slowly creeping, Starlight cast a spell of night vision, why didn’t she do this at the start of the watch? Because she simply didn’t think of it.
She immediately saw a large wolf-like creature, suddenly it started running towards the camp at a shockingly fast speed, and behind it formed up a rank of others like it.

“WOLVES!” She shouted, waking the camp, Rainbow was the first out, she looked around for a bit, and then she saw them.
“We’ve got to fight them!” She said.
Starlight kicked her hooves into the ground and launched bolts of magic in the vague region of the enemies as her friends got themselves out of the tent, the bolts that did hit dissipated off the fur.
“Damn it!” She said in frustration as the bolts didn’t seem to have an effect.

Then Twilight aided her bolts with her own magic, immediately the bolts started penetrating, one went down, then another, and by the time they arrived their numbered 4 out of their original 32.
Rainbow shot forward to intercept one, she kicked it on the top of its head, the beast tossed its head and Rainbow was flung upwards, but with a noticeable dent in its head.
Then it spoke.
“Hah, kill us if that is what you wish, but there will be more, they will be stronger and more numerous than us, your chances of survival are next to none.” It hissed, then the remaining pack ran off.

“Do we shoot them in the back?” Starlight asked.
“I doubt it’ll make a difference, besides don’t waste your energy, our first goal is to complete this quest of ours, there’s still time in the night, I think it’ll be restless, but we may as well try to continue to sleep.” Twilight said.

Author's Note

Due to not having the motivation to work on that novel I'm meant to be co-writing, I did this instead.