Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I have always hated that clock.
Something about its constant and unwavering ticking made me nervous. Like something bad was about to happen. Nothing could overshadow it, and it never stopped when you wanted it to.
How on earth she put up with it, I have no idea.
I stared at the open casket. A few that I had seen come through cried at the sight. Some couldn’t bear to look more than a few seconds. All left looking sorrowful.
Not me.
Yet I had looked the longest.
I hoped my brooding expression didn’t make anyone uncomfortable, but they weren’t here to look at me.
I took a second to look around the room. Almost everyone else has vacated and gone outside. Maybe they felt it was happier outside. Only two ponies remained, other than myself.
I looked back to the casket. Beautiful flowers surrounded each side, and some were even placed on top or inside.
I took a sip of my water. The previous hour swirled inside my head. I wasn’t new to this sort of situation, but this one was definitely different. The detachment I felt wasn’t really what I was expecting.
It wasn’t a detachment from sadness. I had felt that before. This was of indifference.
Do you want to say a few words?
No.
Are you sure? You won’t get another chance.
I’m positive.
Positive was a strange choice of word. I certainly wasn’t feeling positive.
I wasn’t feeling negative, either. I momentarily thought of how I would look to the others if I didn’t say anything, but the thought passed rather quickly. I wouldn’t see them again anytime soon, so I didn’t really care how they viewed it.
So many of them still came up to me and said the same old line.
I bet this is so hard on you.
I know this is tough, but it’ll be alright.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.
I’m sorry.
Sorry?
I didn’t know for what. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I didn’t need any of that. But that’s not what you do at these times. It raises questions inside of them that they can’t build up the courage to ask.
It’s so much easier to just go along with it. There’s no strings attached with just saying I know. Or I’ll just need some time.
And then there’s the ones who know.
They know better than to say something like the others.
Hey. What do you think?
I think I don’t want to be here.
I know. But you know how that would look.
Does it look like I care?
I furrowed my brow. Perhaps I was a bit too bitter that I had to be here. They wouldn’t take no for an answer. I guess it really wouldn’t hurt me to take a few days away from the norm to be here, but there were many other things I would much rather be doing.
Sup dude! You want to come over this weekend?
I uh… can’t.
Why not? Everyone else is gonna be there!
I have ...something of an emergency to take care of.
Can’t ya share?
I…
We’ve shared everything since elementary! You know I won’t be mad if you got a hot date or something!
It’s nothing like that. It’s a family thing.
Oh… something bad happen over there? Is it… y’know?
It’s a funeral.
Oh… I’m sorry, dude. Who was it?
Don’t be. It was…
I’m sure that weekend visit would’ve been ten times better than sitting here in a stuffy suit drinking water and eating mints by the dozen.
At least I loved mints.
“Hey.”
I looked up as a hoof was placed on my shoulder.
“What are you thinking?”
No talk of how I was doing, how sorry he was, or if I was alright. My brother probably already knew the answer to all those questions anyways.
“That time with ‘em. So many years ago. Would’ve been like fifteen years ago, huh?” I downed the last bit of my water.
“Yeah. I’m surprised you remember that. No one else does.” He sounded rather angry with that last part. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to remember.
“How could I forget when it’s one of the few interactions we had?”
“Mmm.” He took a long sip of his own water before continuing. “You know, they aren’t happy that we didn’t say anything.”
I narrowed my gaze on the casket.
“I told them you were just taking it hard. It got them off your back. Not quite mine though. But I can take it.”
“I could’ve too.”
“Yeah, but who wants to deal with them.” He popped a mint into his mouth. “You’re the one who has to see them sooner than me.”
I snorted in amusement. “Thanks anyways.”
“No problem. I’ll be back in a minute.” With that, he strode back towards the front door.
I ruffled my wings. Not happy, huh? No one was less happy than me right now. I wish I could all give them a taste of reality. Nothing would please me than spilling all the juicy details of every bad moment to all them when they were all gathered.
It wouldn’t matter, though.
Besides them all denying it regardless, it would only hurt me. Or rather, my image. It would probably be cathartic as all hell to let it all out. Like I said, they weren’t gonna see me anytime soon.
But I held it back. I wasn’t going to make them feel worse than what they already were. Even if I thought that the truth might make them more sympathetic.
I should have just told them when they were alive. I could spend hours thinking of exactly how they would react, what they would say. I would love to.
But I won’t ever get the chance. I at least get the consolation of knowing they were just as bitter as I was.
I should feel guilty about that line of thought, shouldn’t I? Yet, I don’t. Spite is overwhelming, isn’t it?
“Want to go get a beer or something?”
I didn’t answer at first.
I just stared at the casket a little while longer.
But I hated feeling this way. I hated having these thoughts.
And the longer I stared, the more the hate built inside me. Worse and worse scenarios come to the front of my mind, mixing with the vile memories that already plagued that area of my brain.
And they all stopped when I looked away and considered his offer.
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
I got up and joined him in walking over to his special somepony. I needed to get out of this house. There was nothing here for me anymore. And it would be the last time I set hoof here.
But one more thing stopped me as we were about to exit through the door.
I turned back around and look at the sad display in the casket one last time.
I could have swore it had an evil grin on its face. As if they had had the last laugh, tormenting me even in the afterlife.
Afterlife.
I looked down at the floor.
What was really after death?
Was there judgement?
Was I to be judged for all the vicious thoughts I had had back in the chair?
I don’t know.
I shook my head and stepped outside. I heard the door shut behind me, but I didn’t bother to see who closed it.
The three of us walked slowly all the way to the end of the road leading to the house in silence.
I touched the decrepit mailbox. It wouldn’t serve much of a purpose anymore, at least for a while.
But maybe it could send one last message for me.
“Maybe you can answer some of my questions when I see you again,” I said softly to the mailbox bearing the homeowner’s name.
I wasn’t sure I would like where those questions would be answered.
“Place isn’t far from here, if I remember. Ready to go?”
I looked towards the sky. I was ready from the moment I got here.
“Yeah. Let’s stop by the hotel first, yeah? I want to get out of this damn suit.”
He smiled and took to the sky. I followed close behind.
Author's Note
The title for this story doesn’t make sense, I know. Allow me to explain a stray thought I had.
We sometimes aren’t feeling indifferent when we say we are. It’s the same thing as people saying “I don’t care” when they very clearly care. I don’t know if it’s something to do with them trying to hide it, or if they really believe they are indifferent when they aren’t.
I’m guilty of this too. I can say I’m impartial on a subject, but I know I could really go on for hours on it. I choose not to. Each situation has a different reason to it, but usually it’s because I know the talk will inspire conflict.
I don’t want that kind of conflict.
Feel free to disprove, discuss, or support my train of thought.
