Birdstrike got her cutie mark the first time she crashed into an airship. Ponies thought she was just blubbering nonsense after a head injury, until they realized she’d been pointing out all of the airship’s flaws. From a single impact, Birdstrike determined that the engine needed an oil change, that the envelope needed reinforcing, and that the gondola needed a fresh coat of paint.
Don’t ask how she knew all of that information from a single impact. Cutie marks are weird like that.
Also interesting was the fact that the white-coated, white-tailed, red-maned pegasus had a chicken as her cutie mark. Nopony was sure how the egg-laying animals related to airship testing. Perhaps there was some strange significance, hidden somewhere in an ancient library or a magical mirror.
Sadly, Birdstrike’s cute-ceañera was delayed by a few weeks. Just because she was talking sense after the impact does not mean she escaped all injury. There was a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, and a bent flight feather. But that delay just allowed ponies to make her cute-ceañera all the more fun, with an impressive guest list. Birdstrike wondered how Mom and Dad had gotten Equestria’s leading engineers to come, until she was told that they’d practically invited themselves.
After all, Birdstrike’s talent was extremely useful, and unique. It could save lives, making sure that airships didn’t fail mid-flight. It saved many mind-wracking and eye-straining hours of quality control. Airships were a recent discovery, and Birdstrike could make sure nothing went wrong.
But for Birdstrike’s talent to truly be effective, she’d needed to hit the airship with enough force that she would injure herself. Fearing for her well-being, Birdstrike’s parents sought far and wide for protective equipment that would work. First tested was a simple helmet—it helped a little, but Birdstrike was still getting concussions. Her parents figured that the Princess probably used the best products, so they managed to “procure” a royal guard helmet. (This involved an elaborate heist, a key to the armoury, and several hundred bits worth of chocolate-frosted cherry custard cake.) But the guard helmet had performed worse. That’s when they learned about the phrase “lowest-bidder government contract.”
So they kept searching.
Reaching an unique level of desperation, Birdstrike's parents ended up contacting a professional bodyguard for advice. To their surprise, the unicorn Ice Box had a solution: a special personal protective spell. It prevented any changes from occurring to the physical body, but allowed the target to remain conscious. With this, Birdstrike could exercise her talent without injury.
The spell came with new problems, however. It prevented the target from moving, which meant Birdstrike couldn’t fly into the airship as usual. Her parents suggested that Birdstrike could build up speed first, before the unicorn cast the spell. Ice Box vetoed the idea; it would be easy to miss, and then Birdstrike would have to spend another few weeks in the hospital.
That risk was not acceptable. Birdstrike's safety came first.
So, a cannon was acquired. (From a circus; they had learned their lesson about Guard-surplus from the helmet.) Ice Box would cast the spell on Birdstrike, before placing her in the cannon. After that, aim the cannon at the airship. Done. Even if they missed, Birdstrike would simply land in a faraway field, uninjured. Ice Box just needed to get Birdstrike back.
Only Ice Box could cast that protective spell, so Birdstrike’s parents hired her (and her team—every good bodyguard has a team) to act as Birdstrike's security detail. Birdstrike and Ice Box enjoyed each other’s company, which was probably why they started one together. That unicorn mare led her team to work with Birdstrike over the years, and helped Birdstrike with many aspects of the business.
And thus Birdstrike’s career was born. She’d worked at her craft for decades, and this is one of her stories.
“Hey, you’ve got that pegasus booked yet?” A gruff voice rang out in the tiny office.
“Not yet, boss. Birdstrike’s agent says her schedule’s pretty tight. Apparently she’s got some assignments down south, way out of Equestria. It’ll be a while before she gets back.”
The minotaur snorted. “Well, Iron Will’s got nothing if not patience. Keep at it, Level Ledgers. It’ll be no time before the Princess Cruise takes off!”
The minotaur’s assistant, a dull white earth pony, nodded. “Sure thing, boss.”
“Hey, who is this? Is it Birdstrike?” Level Ledgers asked. “Iron Will’s been expecting you.”
“Not exactly,” a smooth voice replied. A light blue unicorn, with a pink mane and a pink bubble as her cutie mark, stepped into the office. “I’m Birdstrike’s agent. She’s around. Can you take me to Iron Will?”
“Sure thing,” Level Ledgers replied. “He’s over at the docks, making sure everything’s set up for the test.”
Ice Box arrived at the docks, led by the dusty white earth pony. He seemed to be a secretary of some sort. Birdstrike was still with her security detail, while Ice Box scouted out the area. One of her pegasi—Swift Sentinel, her fastest flier—had already scanned the area, but Ice Box wanted a second eye. Swift Sentinel was currently hovering above the airship, keeping a lookout for civilians and other unwanted guests.
The airship seemed innocuous enough. It had a sharp spike at the bow, which could have made a dangerous ram if it weren’t constructed of flimsy plywood. A multitude of speakers hung from the framework. Ice Box made a personal reminder to inspect the interior of the airship for potential dangers.
The dock was empty of potential obstacles or hiding spots, providing a clear space to conduct testing.
A notable threat was the grey minotaur that stood near the airship. He had an impressive physique, and those horns served as potent weapons.
“There’s Iron Will,” the white earth pony stated, pointing a hoof at the minotaur. Ice Box nodded.
Iron Will walked forward to greet them. “You are Birdstrike’s agent? Pleased to introduce. Iron Will is Iron Will, captain of the Princess Cruise.” He stuck out his… hand?
Ice Box refused the proffered limb, instead looking straight into the minotaur’s eye. “I will need to make sure the airship is cleared of ponies before testing. For safety reasons.” She wasn’t one to care for the nuanced use of "ponies" or "creatures." She also didn’t specify whose safety she was concerned about.
Iron Will held both his hands out. “Oh, no! The Princess Cruise has state-of-the-art innovations, and boasts a best-in-class sound system! Iron Will does not let ponies just walk willy-nilly into this airship. But there’s nothing to fear, ‘cause that airship is clear.”
Ice Box turned and began to walk away. Though she would not usually turn her back on a potential threat, she decided that the minotaur was rather low-risk. Still, her ears were perked and a defensive spell was prepared.
“Wait, where are you going?” she heard the minotaur shout behind her. “We have a contract!”
Ice Box spoke without turning to face Iron Will. “Then I will inspect the ship. At my own pace. No compromise.” She’d learned her lesson down south, where the Storm King had tried to capture them. Ice Box and her team had barely managed to get out with Birdstrike.
There was a pregnant pause, and then the pause had given birth.
“Fine,” Iron Will grumbled. “You can inspect the ship. But I will accompany you.”
That pesky unicorn had finally determined the airship was safe, though it required a great deal of poking around. Iron Will was tired of waiting. She had gotten on his nerves when she demanded to check every single nook and cranny. As if Iron WIll would lie about having cleared the airship! She even took a dive into the pool to make sure nothing was underwater.
An unfamiliar pegasus had hovered above the airship the entire time. The light blue unicorn had informed him that the pegasus was there to ensure her and Birdstrike’s safety. What did that pony think she was, a soldier deep in enemy territory?
They strolled down the gangway, and Iron Will briefly considered pushing the unicorn off. Though that pegasus would probably swoop in and catch her. Maybe the unicorn’s fears weren’t so unfounded after all.
Iron Will turned to the unicorn. “You can start testing now. Iron Will is getting impatient.
The unicorn simply waved a hoof, and the hovering pegasus landed.
“Area is clear,” the unicorn said tersely. “Get Birdstrike over.”
The pegasus took off.
The light blue unicorn turned to Iron Will. “I will stay here during testing. I need to cast the protective spell on Birdstrike.”
Iron Will could not bear being in the company of this unicorn for any moment longer. “No. Just cast the protective spell and leave. Iron Will would rather you stay out of the testing.”
The unicorn frowned. “Usually I am present during the entire testing process to direct the procedure, and to provide added security. Birdstrike’s safety comes first.”
Iron Will was indignant. “Do you not trust Iron Will? No harm will come to Birdstrike.”
Another pause, where the unicorn was contemplating her options.
“You sure you don’t need my help?” the unicorn asked.
“Do not doubt Iron Will!” he thundered. “Everything will be in order.”
For some reason, the unicorn smirked. “Fine. I’ll cast the spell, then I’ll be back at the office. I’ll need to tell my team about this adjustment.”
The group of ponies choose that moment to arrive, carrying various equipment in carts and boxes, most notably the impressive-looking blue cannon.
Ice Box’s team had laughed when she informed them of the plan. Everypony had agreed to play along, and accepted the potentially longer day. Birdstrike found it especially hilarious. So she cast the freezing spell on Birdstrike, and retired to her office. Her team knew enough to run the operation by themselves, and to secure a perimeter. A pegasus would fly back and inform her in case of any potential developments.
She was relaxing in the office, and had been for a few hours now. The white earth pony was away, probably to take notes for Iron Will. Ice Box smirked again. There was no way Iron Will was getting anything out of Birdstrike.
Swift Sentinel flew in. “Iron Will’s still firing Birdstrike at his airship,” he reported.
“You guys still stringin’ him along?” Ice Box asked.
“Yep,” the pegasus said. “We’re just playing dumb and saying that this had never happened before.”
Ice Box nodded. “Get back out there, and enjoy the show.”
The next time the pegasus entered, he could barely breathe.
“Iron Will can barely stay on his hooves!” Swift Sentinel wheezed out. “He’s been saying things like ‘Iron Will ain’t gonna need help from some half-horned unicorn!’ Seems like you struck a nerve with him, Box.”
“Yeah. He was eyeing me on the gangway,” Ice Box said. “Thought he was gonna push me off.”
“Saw that too,” the pegasus said. “I was ready to catch you.”
Ice Box thought it was a good thing Iron Will didn’t try.
“So Iron Will’s apparently gone crazy,” Ice Box said. “How’s the earth pony doing?”
“I think he’s gone through a full notebook already,” he replied, “and more quills than I have feathers.”
They shared a moment of laughter.
“Eh, think it’s about time to call it a day. Birdstrike’s probably getting bored, stuck in that freeze spell this whole time.” Ice Box sprung up from her seated position, and made her way back to the docks. “Time to put ’em out of their misery.”
Ice Box found the white earth pony at a canter, lips moving before he was quite within earshot. Iron Will was following behind at a slower pace. The rest of her team were still at their posts, guarding the perimeter or the machinery, and Birdstrike was discarded beside the cannon.
“… everything, but Birdstrike can’t give us any information!” the earth pony said. “We tried changing the firepower of the cannon, Birdstrike’s orientation, and the target location on the airship, but nothing’s worked! Do you know what went wrong?”
Iron Will stepped up as well, head bowed. “Fine. You were right; I needed your help. So, what are we missing?”
Ice Box grinned. “You want to know? Well, your mistake was not having me on site. You need me to thaw the pegasus first!”
Author's Note
Well, this story doesn’t really live up to the crackfic premise. Hope you enjoyed it anyways! Throw down a dislike if you didn’t.
Special thanks to Estee (and the Fimfic Discord server) for making a blog post with this idea.
Who wants to write the world’s most painful punchline?
Thanks to other members of the Fimfic Discord for helping me out! (SockPuppet and Mykola)
