The Royal Vault was a massive room. Nearly two hoofball fields wide and the same deep, the vaulted ceiling rose so high that it was nearly impossible to see it in the torchlight. The room was so large that if one were to walk from one side of it to the other, it would take a good three minutes to do so.

And that was if the room was empty.

Almost every square inch of the Vault was jam-packed with not only the funds of House Empyrean, but the collection of rare and potentially dangerous magical artifacts that Empress Celestia had acquired throughout the centuries. Rubies and sapphires, emeralds and diamonds, silver and gold—treasures from lands untold, many of which had faded from history and from memory. Mountains of gold coins and silver bars and copper blocks. Mithril and orichalcum, sky-iron and abyssal protodermis, cold-iron and fire-steel. There were more than just precious metals too; hundreds of scrolls, tomes, and papers littered the edges of the room—hundreds of years worth of knowledge, written in dozens of different languages.

There was so much stuffed into the room that the only way to move around was through narrow passageways carved through the hoard. Sometimes these channels turned into tunnels where various pieces of treasures had partially collapsed, creating make-shift ceilings. And dotted throughout the maze-like passages were cleared alcoves that held glass curious, which contained the rarest of the mystic artifacts.

All-in-all, the room reminded Gleaming of one of her old foalhood teacher’s houses. The one that used to collect everything and anything she could get her hooves on in order to compensate for her husband’s untimely death. At least, until the city declared her house a public hazard and had it condemned due to all the animals that had taken up residence within the mess.

As she patrolled through the labyrinth of treasure, Gleaming couldn’t help but wonder what kind of creatures—if any—might be inside this particular hoard. This was the first time she’d ever been inside the Royal Vaults, and to be honest it was kind of freaking her out. It didn’t help that her sleep-deprived mind was maliciously finding ways to mess with her. The light from her horn danced across the various metal surfaces, causing the shadows to dance and skitter, and allowing her imagination to run wild. Every so often she’d stop, straining her ears to hear even the faintest sounds of movement. Only the oppressive silence answered.

Trying to take her mind off of her paranoia, she instead focused on her task. Lieutenant White Out had been very helpful when she had explained Gleaming’s job. “Just patrol around the vault and make sure all of the artifacts in the curios are still there. Keep an ear out for intruders. Repeat as needed until your shift is over.” She did as instructed, moving from one clearing to another with the help of a somewhat useful map that White Out had sketched out for her. It wasn’t completely to scale, but it helped her navigate through the twisting and turning passages well enough.

As she checked on the curios, she couldn’t help but stare at each new item in awe. Within one of the many glass cabinets was a pony skull made of obsidian, which had a glowing orange flower growing out of one of the eye sockets. In another one was a massive cleaver-style greatsword that appeared to be made out of crimson dragonhide, and the edge of which crackled with Dragonfire. And in a third, there was a scroll made out of papyrus, which bore the etching of a scarab on its face and glowed with dark, necrotic energy as it floated in its case.

“Wow,” Gleaming breathed as she passed by each new object. Some of them she had read about in history books in school, while others were completely foreign to her. Her exhaustion was almost completely forgotten as she explored deeper and deeper into the vault. Thank Celestia for the Lieutenant. If she hadn’t assigned me to this post, I don’t know what I would have done. Probably fall asleep, actually.

Taking a few seconds to observe a hoofheld mirror whose glass surface seemed to swirl like a whirlpool, Gleaming squeezed her way into a particularly tight passage. Her armor scraped against the object around her, and she had to lower her head in order to duck beneath a large picture frame that had fallen across the path. And then lower still to get beneath a large crystallized skull that looked like it could have belonged to a dragon. And even lower until she was crawling through a tunnel so narrow that she had to turn her head to the side in order to fit.

I’m not even claustrophobic and this is getting a little too much! Gleaming thought as she worked her way through the tight space. Just when she thought she was going to get stuck or have to figure out how to back up, the tunnel began to expand again.

“I’m taking a different route back,” she muttered to herself. With one last push from her hind legs, she heaved herself out of the hoard and into the open clearing of an alcove. Thank buck, I thought I was going to be stuck until somepony found me. Dusting herself off, she took a moment to compose herself before glancing over at the curio present in the middle of the clearing.

Only to find herself staring into the surprised eyes of a pony who was in the process of cutting a hole in the glass case.

Clad in all black, the stranger looked almost like a shadow came to life. Black hoof covers wrapped around their forelegs, and a black cloak with purple trim covered their body. An oni mask covered their face, the forehead etched with a strange symbol: an eye surrounded by a sideways crescent moon, with two wings flaring out on either side. A horn emerged through a hole in the center of the eye.

Only the stranger’s eyes were visible—a deep yellow with slitted pupils. They stared at Gleaming in surprised horror, the pupils shrunken to mere slits. For a moment, the two just looked at each other, both frozen in shock.

Then, without warning, the world dissolved into chaos.

“Oi!” Gleaming shouted.

The stranger’s horn lit up and they ripped the glass cover completely off the curio. They hurled it at Gleaming with surprising strength. She barely had time to erect a barrier in front of her before the glass impacted the magic, sending a shower of broken shards cascading across the floor.

Not waiting for the second salvo, Gleaming charged at the intruder as they were reaching for the now-freed object—a glowing amulet with a large gem embedded in the center of it. She collided with them, and they all went crashing to the floor, amulet and all.

Gleaming grunted in pain as her helmeted head bounced off the flagstone. The intruder was less lucky, falling bodily into a large pile of coins that immediately collapsed on top of them in a shower of golden bits. As they struggled to free themselves from the avalanche, Gleaming staggered to her hooves.

“In the name of the Empress, you are under arre—” she started to say, only to be sent flying backward as she caught a magic bolt to the chest. The enchantment in her armor immediately short-circuited under the force of the spell. The breath left her lungs as she landed hard on her back, and stars exploded in front of her eyes. She wheezed for air, unable to breathe, as the intruder lunged for her, horn glowing maliciously.

Moving more on instinct than intention, Gleaming’s back legs stiffened and she pole-vaulted the pony over her body and into an armor stand. This in turn caused the stand to slam against the mound of treasure behind it, which immediately collapsed in a torrent of gems and jewelry.

By Celestia’s milky teats, their magic packs a punch! Pulling herself to her hooves, Gleaming glanced down at her breastplate. The front of it was dented in and smoldering, a charred, blackened ring where the enemies spellfire had hit her. I’m not going to last long in a one-on-one fight. She glanced up just in time to dive out of the way of a second bolt. It tore by overhead, ionizing the air around it as it roared by. Impacting a golden chest, it turned the metal to slag.

Scrabbling through the mess to find something to defend herself, Gleaming held up the first thing she managed to grab. The intruder, horn charged for another blast, stopped and stared at the item in bewilderment. Gleaming did the same.

They were a pair of gold-and-black panties.

“What the…?” Gleaming breathed, lowering the panties. They appeared to be a normal pair of panties at first glance, but upon closer inspection, there was some kind of shimmering cloth over the crotch. “What the buck are these doing in here?” she muttered under her breath. A sudden roar of magic caused her to yelp.

The intruder had grown tired of waiting.

“Oh buck!” Unable to move in time, Gleaming flinched, holding up the panties in a vain attempt to shield herself. The bolt of magic tore through the air towards her mercilessly and slammed into the crotch of the undergarment. And then nothing.

Confused, Gleaming cracked open an eye.

The panties were still in one piece, and there was no sign of the magic missile. Lowering the lingerie, she glanced around before giving the intruder a confused look; one that was returned in kind. Both of them stood there, unsure of what just happened.

“Uhhh…” Gleaming offered. “Heh heh eh…”

The intruder shrieked in pain as they convulsed suddenly. Smoke erupted from beneath their robes, flowing out from around their hind legs and tail. They collapsed, clutching at their groin.

Tossing the panties to the side, Gleaming rolled to her hooves and dashed forward. If she could just reach the intruder before they recovered, she might—might—just have a chance. Horn glowing, she lunged for the downed pony, only for her own trick to be used against her. Stiffening their back legs, the intruder launched her bodily overhead and sent her crashing into the ground a few meters away.

Gleaming winced as she landed hard on her shoulder, her pauldron digging into her flesh. Horn glowing, she fired a retaliatory salvo back, only for her magic to splash harmlessly off the intruder’s own barrier. Gleaming’s eyes widened in alarm. Shit! While she might not have studied magic as thoroughly as her sister, she did take one thing away from her classes: in a magic duel, power is everything.

And when it came to power, she was sorely lacking.

As if realizing their advantage, the intruder advanced (albeit on shaky legs), launching a third and fourth blast in Gleaming’s direction and forcing her to scramble for cover. In a desperate move to get some distance between the two of them, she pushed over a large statue of some ancient creature. It collapsed onto a pile of coins, sending an explosion of bits flying in all directions.

Both Gleaming and the intruder were knocked off their hooves, flying in different directions under the deluge of gold.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” Gleaming muttered under her breath. Rolling onto her stomach, she started to rise, only to pause. She blinked in surprise upon finding the amulet inches from her muzzle. For a moment she just stared at it, her mind working furiously. Intruder in the vault. Intruder wants the amulet. Can’t let them get it. Move, you idiot!

Snatching the amulet, she quickly stuffed it into the hidden pocket located on the inside of her breastplate. Once it was secure, she got to her hooves and threw her head back, horn glowing. Just as the intruder surged over the top of a pile of treasure, a ball of red light erupted from the tip of Gleaming’s horn. It soared through the air only to impact on the ceiling.

Instantly, a loud, keening wail filled the air while the room was filled with a pulsing red light.

“Now all of Canterlot knows you’re here,” Gleaming shouted over the cacophony. “Good luck finding the amulet before more guards show up!” She hoped she sounded more confident than she felt. Take the bluff, take the bluff, please take the bluff!

The intruder’s eyes darted about the catastrophic mess around them: a sea of gold, jewels, and dented items of various kinds. They both were buried up to their fetlocks in the disturbed treasure. Any chance of finding anything quickly in the chaos was absolutely zero.

Upon realizing this, the intruder let out a low growl. Before Gleaming could react, a bolt of magic caught her in the chest. It lifted her off her hooves and sent her flying backward into a curio. The wood collapsed under her weight and the item within—a large crystal heart—fell to the floor where it shattered instantly, releasing a pink cloud of dust.

The last thing Gleaming saw before darkness consumed her was the intruder’s cloak disappearing around the corner as distant shouts could be heard.

And faintly, somepony, somewhere, was giggling.

“Well, hello there~~~!”

Author's Note

not enough comedy in this comedy
comedic characters not even introduced yet
still setting up Gleaming's horrible life
lots of chapters to go
...
Papa Anon's heard you
introduce comedic character a little early to get ball rolling