Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim (Closure Version)
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Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim
Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim (Closure Version)
The screeches of a heavy loaded bus can be heard as the passengers inside all started to exit the vehicle. The area was in a commercial district on the outskirts of Canterlot. A lot of stores and parks are around here-or rather were as gentrification has started to turn them into other civil projects. The people including me started to exit the bus as the area is the last stop on its trek. I should know because I used to work around the area where the old CD place was. It's where I listened to my first EDM artist called “Studio Killers™” and that was my inspiration in the genre. A great memory. It was a good time of my life. But… more about that later.
My name is Dorian, last name Phrygian but I am not that pretentious to use both when I introduce myself. I am wearing a full white assemble of street wear: A graphic tee that is yellow as the main color and a colorful image of two of my favorite comic book characters-who everyone ships back in the day-taking a selfie together as the boy transformed himself into a dog for the dog filter, some black jeans, and yellow and blue sneakers. It's my preferred aesthetic. I have wavy blue hair and my height is 5’6”.
Enough of an introduction? Good then let’s talk about how the rest of the day went as I wanted to look at this area of my teenhood where it all started. The memory that set me on the path to stardom and success because it gave me extreme focus. I am an overly-sentimental person, so I just find it hard to let go of the past even though I have my present to live. I remember I was just being pessimistic but really I was just being too innocent.
I walked around my old stomping ground near Canterlot High. The school was only a few blocks up north from where I am at. The park past the area where the old CD place was holds a lot of memories for me. Both good and bad, but memories nonetheless. I walked across the street to where the park entrance is. I see the rows of trees around the entrance gate, the benches that are used for rolling weed and chilling with friends. It was a time when I was alive back in my high school days. I giggled as a memory involving a friend of mine and Rainbow Dash busting their ass on the very same bench because they wanted to practice skateboarding tricks on it. The goofiness those two used to get into is enough to keep me laughing for a lifetime.
I sat down on that bench and relaxed into it. The soft breeze of the wind passed through as I reached under the bench and felt familiar scratches on the wood plank: “PPxLP.” The time Pinkie Pie and my old friend Laggy Playing got together and carved their names on this bench where they met and made out. I smile as I remember their amazing wedding on Social media. A sweet event for all of us in that friend group. That is what this bench was to me back in the day: A sweet memory to always have; a safe place from the drama of the world currently. It saved me and gave me a brief distraction from the pain of being a once socially awkward kid, but I have gained friends despite that.
I get up as I look at the bench one last time before walking over to the school. I walked straight up to the statue that is said to have magical properties, but I didn’t care about all of that. I stood in front of the marble sculpture and closed my eyes.
Back 7 years in the past when I was a senior in high school, I remember when I was hanging with the Rainbooms and my buddies Laggy Playing and Funky Fingers. We were an experimental electronic band that never got anything done because we were never serious, but it introduced us to the music scene of the school. We were hanging out and goofing around and talking about the day. I was chatting with Sunset Shimmer when a pink hair girl walked by me and she was chatting with my friend Funky Fingers. I saw her and blushed. Sunset Shimmer caught that and nudged my shoulder to get my attention.
“Well? Are you gonna finally man up and talk to her?” Sunset said with a sly grin as my blush deepens.
I started to mumble an excuse about how I am not sure what to talk about, but Sunset Shimmer cut me off before I tried to word my way out.
“Well then what are you gonna do? Wait until the universe pushes you guys together? You know the only way to confess is if you open your mouth and say the words right? The world can’t do that for you, you know?” Sunset said with a frown as I closed my mouth before I would say something else. She is right-no beyond right. I gotta tell her the truth about how I feel about her. If not because she is who I am crushing on, but as a friend who is entitled to know about my honest feelings. Socially awkwardness only makes this a bit harder to muster up the courage. I may need a little help to break the tension to grab her attention long enough for me to say anything to her. I ask Sunset if she can help me and she pats my shoulder as she gets up and walks over to the person in question.
A watch as Sunset talks to both Fluttershy and Funky Fingers without hesitation. A talent I wish I had when needed for situations like these. I saw Funky Fingers look at me for a second and the realization hits him as he now has an idea what is going on. He smiles and wraps his hand around Sunset Shimmer and walks off with her. Now Fluttershy is alone and I suck up the air in my breath and say a simple hello. She shyly does the same and a small awkward pause hits us as I thought of another thing to say to break the growing tension. A went with an all-out confession like an idiot instead. I confessed about my admiration of her talents. Her beautiful looks, and her amazing song-writing skills. The only answer I got was an intense blush before she excused herself from the area and I was a nervous wreck.
The whole week was an emotional rollercoaster, but one night. I received a text from her saying that she felt the same and her answer was yes. I smiled so hard the next day that it literally stayed that way overnight.
My mind wraps up the thought as I am brought back to the present with a soft voice. A familiar voice that brought back pain and mixed emotions all at the same time. I turn my head around to see the source of the voice and my blood turns into cold ice.
Fluttershy.
“Dorian..? Is that really you..?” Fluttershy said with her hand over her mouth and I was transfixed on her. She was...bigger. Her breasts are doubled in size and her hips are wide. Her hair is longer and her dress is spectacular.
But…
Her hair is frizzled and dull and her eyes.. Her eyes are red and have black rings around them, The cruel reality brings me back to my senses and an intense stare of disappointment came from me. I looked at her with all the hurt and pain I have been holding for years and I started to walk away from the school area. I walked towards the area of the park, but I didn’t go far as I felt a hand grab my wrist. I immediately jerk my arm up and out of the grasp and I try to walk away again, but a yellow arm wraps around my waist and I try jerking and thrashing.
“Stop it, Dorian! Please let’s just talk!!” I hear Fluttershy yell as jerked out of her grasp as I turn to face her. What is there to talk about? She knows what she did and that I will never forgive her. Why talk about the past now when she had 10 years to do so? I demanded an answer from her but she can only look at me as I said that statement to her. She had a tired, but sad expression on her face as she looked at me. A look that I can only describe as her way of saying to continue expressing my feelings that I have bottled up before I lose my mind.
“Go ahead. I know you have a lot more to say.” Fluttershy said as she looked me dead in the eye and I felt the chains on my mind grow loose and I am finally able to let out my anger about all of the years of hurt she gave me. How she lied to me, treated me like trash, and played me for a boy-toy fool. I said all of the things I had at the top of my head as I was huffing and puffing hard. She patiently waits for me to calm my ass down before saying anything else because I was in no mental mood for a conversation, not even with her.
“I know I am the last person you wish to see and I know all of those things are true. But I am surprised to see you here and..now is the only time I can truly apologize to you. I...have been thinking about it for all of these years and I never had the chance to face you. But please Dorian...Can we just...talk?” Fluttershy said in a voice that made me think that she was sincere, but I didn’t want to talk. Not after what happened. Not after-
“When you saw those videos from Funky. I know and that’s what I want to talk to you about.” Fluttershy says as she looks at me with tears in her eyes as my face grows silent with anger. You know the type of anger where you are too emotionally unstable that your mind goes blank and you retreat from reality? The kind that has you listening to all of your favorite albums until you go into an apathetic state? That is how I feel right now.
I knew I should have said no back then because she didn’t deserve to make her peace with me, but I was a foolish boy who cared too much. Now for the rest of this memory to continue, I must warn you that my world and my past was far more complicated then I had originally thought. I wished I didn’t have to go through a painful memory again, but that was back when I believed in the phrases of healing and getting closure like a boy. I wish now that I could tell myself that there is no healing; scars remain to teach you about the pain. Thinking that this person can bring me solace was a disappointment that I should have prepared for. After all, disappointment is like opening a mystery gift when it's the only one you received for Christmas. You have no hope that there is nothing for you specifically, knowing full well that there’s nothing inside...but you hoped there was anyway. Now back to the past and what happened that day as I remember it in current tense.
Me and Fluttershy walk over to the park where we sit on a random bench. Luckily it wasn’t the bench that had only good memories attached to it because I would have personally moved away from it. We sat next to each other and the moment was filled with intense silence. No movement of leaves or laughter of children. Just us in this space of the world. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I should not be nervous over something that has been done in the past, but let’s be honest, does anyone really get over being cheated on? Especially in the way that I was? Or maybe I am just one of those who can’t move on from the painful memory? I don’t know the answer to this seemingly simple question, yet I am also curious as to what went wrong? What did I do that could have avoided this situation? These are only natural concerns that people wanna know when in this situation. Not knowing any other way to ask, I went with the blunt question: Why did you cheat on me?
Fluttershy’s eyes become lidded with pain as she breathes in a deep breath. She simply answers like this: “I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you. It...happened and I was so ashamed of it when it did but...I didn’t know how to tell you.” Fluttershy says to me as she looks at me.
What? You didn’t know how to come out? What the fuck does that mean?
“I didn’t know how to tell yo-”
You didn’t know how to tell your own partner that you were fucking someone else?! That you had another cock inside you?!
“What would you hav-”
I would have fucking told you because I trust you! Even if you would have been mad at me.
“Well that’s how you would have handled it, but it was different for me.”
Different? How the fuck was it different for you? How is admitting that you cheated is different for-
“BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED!” Fluttershy yells out loud as tears fall from her eyes freely.
I sat there with a neutral look on my face. Not a shocked look, not a sad look, but a neutral one. I felt disgusted as she thought I would fall for such a sick and cruel joke. You mean to tell me that you enjoyed it? That some sick fuck fucked you and sent me a damn video to my phone? While you enjoyed it? How can you think I can buy such a mental story? I look at her as she starts to cry more hysterically. She is wailing out as she starts to shake from the revelation. I cannot take the sight anymore and I start to get up, but as soon as I did Fluttershy grabbed my hand. I demand that she let go of me before I got really upset, but when I looked at her...my heart dropped to my stomach.
Scars. All around her bosom and arms. She must have rolled up her sleeves to show me the cruel hard evidence and I immediately started to get a strong sense of dread in my body. I start to believe that she is not lying and I should give her a chance to speak out the truth of what happened. Just a chance. I am in shock to even ask her how she got them, but I sit back down in silence.
“It started the week after you confessed to me. I..I went to the gym storage closet to find a spare basketball for the court, the one that was always outside near the soccer field? By the bleachers? Anyway, I went inside of the closet and I was looking for the ball until I heard a strong creak noise before the door closed. It was too dark to see but I knew someone else was there. I got the ball before the person grabbed me and...and..we fucked. It was rough and hard and painful, but somewhere in my mind that I liked the forcefulness. The rough feeling of being penetrated...I got lost in the pleasure. After it happened, I tried to think about what is gonna happen now. I admitted that I loved it and that person knew about it. He had everything against me: We were both 18 and the new landmark hearing left me powerless.”
Landmark hearing? What the hell are you referring to?
“The trial of Cinnamon Warp v. Cluster industries. The ruling was that any person without evidence of sexual assault that has either party saying no to sexual encounters while on file cannot be exonerated with allegations or word of mouth.” Fluttershy says as I look at her like a complete dumbass.
“It means that without physical evidence without me saying no to the sexual encounters...I couldn’t use it against my aggressor.” Fluttershy finishes as I listened in silence.
A landmark decision that has stripped away all sexual assault victims of going after their aggressors? It..just seemed…overly convenient for her to say. A random as landmark hearing that basically allowed this relationship with your aggressor to continue? I can’t believe it because it's so random and weak. However at this point, if she wants to spew legal bullshit that shouldn’t matter, then let her continue her disrespect. I say that to her as started to treat all of her communication as lies and just shitty attempts to sweep my pain underneath a rug.
“There was nothing I could do, Dorian.” Fluttershy said as sniffled, but I got angry as that was a bullshit excuse. She could have told her! I would do something about it, but instead you did what? Just kept silence and continue to have sex behind my back over a secret you thought I couldn’t handle?
“You are shaking Dorian. If this is how you act now...imagine how you would have acted if we were back in high school. You can’t handle it and I am sorry for being cruel, but you can’t handle the truth. If I told you the truth Dorian...what would you have done and what have you done? You are just...an emotionally weak person.” Fluttershy says that shit after all of these years? You have no right to say such things is what I told her. How can she claim that when you never trusted me enough to believe in me? You thought I could not help you in that situation? Like we couldn’t go to an authoritative figure for help? You were being used! You were being raped or-
“I consented to all of it, Dorian. Every last act.” Fluttershy said to me as my heart grew heavy.
She sits upright and continues to talk to me after that. She went on to talk about all of the acts of depravity she did with this person. From anal beads to vibrators. From exhibitionism to the video that was sent to me. I asked about the dreaded video where the dude in question had a mask on his face as he did all kinds of debauchery with Fluttershy. Did she really consent to such a cruel act of disloyalty and disrespect to me? All because of it being sexually pleasing? Fluttershy starts to talk about that video.
“He texted me that night and asked me to come over to his place..he did what he usually did: Teasing me, talking about how you can’t please me, and all kinds of psychological forms of harassment. When he started touching me and brought me to an orgasm..my mind went blank and it was filled with an addiction to the pleasure. I..I had to do whatever it took to please him to experience that kind of pleasure over and over again. It was a rush and..when I saw that he had a camera set-up behind us..I knew just what he was going to do” Fluttershy says as her head lowers down so that it was looking at her lap.
“The sex and stuff continued after the video was sent and...eventually... I got pregnant with his baby..” Fluttershy finished as the final nail was struck on my mind.
She was pregnant..? She…
I didn’t even ask her more about that because it was too painful and it was not my business going further. I let her continue with her speech
She continued to tell me that she was drunk on the pleasure she said and overtime...I became an afterthought. No remorse or shitty apology. She admitted that cheated on me with no regrets even though that first encounter was forced. The excitement just consumed her mind and she was a slave to the orgasms that she had experienced. The law being used as leverage piece her and her body being conditioned by pleasure, there was nothing of mercy. She fucked because she loves to fuck. Her lust for the events are so intense that she never revealed the guy’s identity. She simply had no reason to. She was afraid that if she did that, I would do something drastic because of her claiming I have no control over my own fragility. Though looking back on it now, she was right about that. I would have shot him dead with a bullet to his brain, cut off his cock, and pray that I will have relief and no regrets. However, as if it was an act of mercy, Fluttershy said that she didn’t want to see my life ruined over a love gone terrible over a person like her.
My mind an angry mess and me wanting closure for the way I treated her, I asked her one question that has been on my mind for the past 10 years. Well at that point it was 10 years. I asked her the long winded question of did I do right by her? Did I ever truly treasure her enough for her to have never gone down that route? If I was stronger, then maybe she wouldn’t have done that to me? All the men who know self-doubt and the painful questions of why and what ifs can sympathize with these questions where you wonder how things could have been different if you were a different person. A person who was able to truly fit her. I hated myself for asking those questions because I cried while doing so. I couldn’t even stomach myself after I showed weakness to my abuser, my source of pain. Like a scared little boy confronting his father who has power over them. I demanded an answer so that maybe...I can have peace.
Fluttershy said to me last before we truly went our separate ways. “You were the kindest boyfriend in the world. You treated me like I was your world and I was the most beautiful thing in it. No amount of sorrow can ever make up the pain I put you through. After we graduated from high school, I started...to cut myself after the video. A part of me knew deep down that I was the worst kind of filth in the world for doing such a horrible thing to a person so undeserving. I learned that after you left, but I cannot change the past. I did everything I could to not disturb you or your life. I stayed away from your events and everything-and yes. I know about your musical achievements. I smiled when I heard you won the EDM awards. However, I...I had to move on with my life knowing full well that I have left scars on you mentally as well. I deserve every ounce of your hatred and pain, but please...for what it's worth. You must move on. You have to forgive your past. You don’t have to forgive me, but forgive yourself so that you can truly be free. Free of the pain that reminds you of what old happiness you could have had. Because...You deserve to be happy too. With or without me.”
I left that day back to my condo in Trottingham. I cried my heart out and broke a lot of things in my own home. I was filled with so much hatred and anger that I didn’t even know where to direct it at. I started making my third album as the feelings were still fresh and it felt good..but eventually the anger became poisonous. After a while, I started to learn how to be happy again despite the pain of the past. It is a hard road and it will continue to be for a while, but the other direction is more positive than the one going backward. I haven’t truly forgiven myself or what happened...but the first step is always the hardest because it is the start.
Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim (Painful version)
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Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim
Closure of an ex-Netorare Victim (Painful version)
The screeches of a heavy loaded bus can be heard as the passengers inside all started to exit the vehicle. The area was in a commercial district on the outskirts of Canterlot. A lot of stores and parks are around here-or rather were as gentrification has started to turn them into other civil projects. The people including me started to exit the bus as the area is the last stop on its trek. I should know because I used to work around the area where the old CD place was. It's where I listened to my first EDM artist called “Studio Killers™” and that was my inspiration in the genre. A great memory. It was a good time of my life. But… more about that later.
My name is Dorian, last name Phrygian but I am not that pretentious to use both when I introduce myself. I am wearing a full white assemble of street wear: A graphic tee that is yellow as the main color and a colorful image of two of my favorite comic book characters-who everyone ships back in the day-taking a selfie together as the boy transformed himself into a dog for the dog filter, some black jeans, and yellow and blue sneakers. It's my preferred aesthetic. I have wavy blue hair and my height is 5’6”.
Enough of an introduction? Good then let’s talk about how the rest of the day went as I wanted to look at this area of my teenhood where it all started. The memory that set me on the path to stardom and success because it gave me extreme focus. I am an overly-sentimental person, so I just find it hard to let go of the past even though I have my present to live. I remember I was just being pessimistic but really I was just being too innocent.
I walked around my old stomping ground near Canterlot High. The school was only a few blocks up north from where I am at. The park past the area where the old CD place was holds a lot of memories for me. Both good and bad, but memories nonetheless. I walked across the street to where the park entrance is. I see the rows of trees around the entrance gate, the benches that are used for rolling weed and chilling with friends. It was a time when I was alive back in my high school days. I giggled as a memory involving a friend of mine and Rainbow Dash busting their ass on the very same bench because they wanted to practice skateboarding tricks on it. The goofiness those two used to get into is enough to keep me laughing for a lifetime.
I sat down on that bench and relaxed into it. The soft breeze of the wind passed through as I reached under the bench and felt familiar scratches on the wood plank: “PPxLP.” The time Pinkie Pie and my old friend Laggy Playing got together and carved their names on this bench where they met and made out. I smile as I remember their amazing wedding on Social media. A sweet event for all of us in that friend group. That is what this bench was to me back in the day: A sweet memory to always have; a safe place from the drama of the world currently. It saved me and gave me a brief distraction from the pain of being a once socially awkward kid, but I have gained friends despite that.
I get up as I look at the bench one last time before walking over to the school. I walked straight up to the statue that is said to have magical properties, but I didn’t care about all of that. I stood in front of the marble sculpture and closed my eyes.
Back 7 years in the past when I was a senior in high school, I remember when I was hanging with the Rainbooms and my buddies Laggy Playing and Funky Fingers. We were an experimental electronic band that never got anything done because we were never serious, but it introduced us to the music scene of the school. We were hanging out and goofing around and talking about the day. I was chatting with Sunset Shimmer when a pink hair girl walked by me and she was chatting with my friend Funky Fingers. I saw her and blushed. Sunset Shimmer caught that and nudged my shoulder to get my attention.
“Well? Are you gonna finally man up and talk to her?” Sunset said with a sly grin as my blush deepens.
I started to mumble an excuse about how I am not sure what to talk about, but Sunset Shimmer cut me off before I tried to word my way out.
“Well then what are you gonna do? Wait until the universe pushes you guys together? You know the only way to confess is if you open your mouth and say the words right? The world can’t do that for you, you know?” Sunset said with a frown as I closed my mouth before I would say something else. She is right-no beyond right. I gotta tell her the truth about how I feel about her. If not because she is who I am crushing on, but as a friend who is entitled to know about my honest feelings. Socially awkwardness only makes this a bit harder to muster up the courage. I may need a little help to break the tension to grab her attention long enough for me to say anything to her. I ask Sunset if she can help me and she pats my shoulder as she gets up and walks over to the person in question.
A watch as Sunset talks to both Fluttershy and Funky Fingers without hesitation. A talent I wish I had when needed for situations like these. I saw Funky Fingers look at me for a second and the realization hits him as he now has an idea what is going on. He smiles and wraps his hand around Sunset Shimmer and walks off with her. Now Fluttershy is alone and I suck up the air in my breath and say a simple hello. She shyly does the same and a small awkward pause hits us as I thought of another thing to say to break the growing tension. A went with an all-out confession like an idiot instead. I confessed about my admiration of her talents. Her beautiful looks, and her amazing song-writing skills. The only answer I got was an intense blush before she excused herself from the area and I was a nervous wreck.
The whole week was an emotional rollercoaster, but one night. I received a text from her saying that she felt the same and her answer was yes. I smiled so hard the next day that it literally stayed that way overnight.
My mind wraps up the thought as I am brought back to the present with a soft voice. A familiar voice that brought back pain and mixed emotions all at the same time. I turn my head around to see the source of the voice and my blood turns into cold ice.
Fluttershy.
“Dorian..? Is that really you..?” Fluttershy said with her hand over her mouth and I was transfixed on her. She was...bigger. Her breasts are doubled in size and her hips are wide. Her hair is longer and her dress is spectacular.
But…
Her hair is frizzled and dull and her eyes.. Her eyes are red and have black rings around them, The cruel reality brings me back to my senses and an intense stare of disappointment came from me. I looked at her with all the hurt and pain I have been holding for years and I started to walk away from the school area. I walked towards the area of the park, but I didn’t go far as I felt a hand grab my wrist. I immediately jerk my arm up and out of the grasp and I try to walk away again, but a yellow arm wraps around my waist and I try jerking and thrashing.
“Stop it, Dorian! Please let’s just talk!!” I hear Fluttershy yell as jerked out of her grasp as I turn to face her. What is there to talk about? She knows what she did and that I will never forgive her. Why talk about the past now when she had 10 years to do so? I demanded an answer from her but she can only look at me as I said that statement to her. She had a tired, but sad expression on her face as she looked at me. A look that I can only describe as her way of saying to continue expressing my feelings that I have bottled up before I lose my mind.
“Go ahead. I know you have a lot more to say.” Fluttershy said as she looked me dead in the eye and I felt the chains on my mind grow loose and I am finally able to let out my anger about all of the years of hurt she gave me. How she lied to me, treated me like trash, and played me for a boy-toy fool. I said all of the things I had at the top of my head as I was huffing and puffing hard. She patiently waits for me to calm my ass down before saying anything else because I was in no mental mood for a conversation, not even with her.
“I know I am the last person you wish to see and I know all of those things are true. But I am surprised to see you here and..now is the only time I can truly apologize to you. I...have been thinking about it for all of these years and I never had the chance to face you. But please Dorian...Can we just...talk?” Fluttershy said in a voice that made me think that she was sincere, but I didn’t want to talk. Not after what happened. Not after-
“When you saw those videos from Funky. I know and that’s what I want to talk to you about.” Fluttershy says as she looks at me with tears in her eyes as my face grows silent with anger. You know the type of anger where you are too emotionally unstable that your mind goes blank and you retreat from reality? The kind that has you listening to all of your favorite albums until you go into an apathetic state? That is how I feel right now.
I knew I should have said no back then because she didn’t deserve to make her peace with me, but I was a foolish boy who cared too much. Now for the rest of this memory to continue, I must warn you that my world and my past was far more complicated then I had originally thought. I wished I didn’t have to go through a painful memory again, but that was back when I believed in the phrases of healing and getting closure like a boy. I wish now that I could tell myself that there is no healing; scars remain to teach you about the pain. Thinking that this person can bring me solace was a disappointment that I should have prepared for. After all, disappointment is like opening a mystery gift when it's the only one you received for Christmas. You have no hope that there is nothing for you specifically, knowing full well that there’s nothing inside...but you hoped there was anyway. Now back to the past and what happened that day as I remember it in current tense.
Me and Fluttershy walk over to the park where we sit on a random bench. Luckily it wasn’t the bench that had only good memories attached to it because I would have personally moved away from it. We sat next to each other and the moment was filled with intense silence. No movement of leaves or laughter of children. Just us in this space of the world. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I should not be nervous over something that has been done in the past, but let’s be honest, does anyone really get over being cheated on? Especially in the way that I was? Or maybe I am just one of those who can’t move on from the painful memory? I don’t know the answer to this seemingly simple question, yet I am also curious as to what went wrong? What did I do that could have avoided this situation? These are only natural concerns that people wanna know when in this situation. Not knowing any other way to ask, I went with the blunt question: Why did you cheat on me?
Fluttershy’s eyes become lidded with pain as she breathes in a deep breath. She simply answers like this: “I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you. It...happened and I was so ashamed of it when it did but...I didn’t know how to tell you.” Fluttershy says to me as she looks at me.
What? You didn’t know how to come out? What the fuck does that mean?
“I didn’t know how to tell yo-”
You didn’t know how to tell your own partner that you were fucking someone else?! That you had another cock inside you?!
“What would you hav-”
I would have fucking told you because I trust you! Even if you would have been mad at me.
“Well that’s how you would have handled it, but it was different for me.”
Different? How the fuck was it different for you? How is admitting that you cheated is different for-
“BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED!” Fluttershy yells out loud as tears fall from her eyes freely.
I sat there with a neutral look on my face. Not a shocked look, not a sad look, but a neutral one. I felt disgusted as she thought I would fall for such a sick and cruel joke. You mean to tell me that you enjoyed it? That some sick fuck fucked you and sent me a damn video to my phone? While you enjoyed it? How can you think I can buy such a mental story? I look at her as she starts to cry more hysterically. She is wailing out as she starts to shake from the revelation. I cannot take the sight anymore and I start to get up, but as soon as I did Fluttershy grabbed my hand. I demand that she let go of me before I got really upset, but when I looked at her...my heart dropped to my stomach.
Scars. All around her bosom and arms. She must have rolled up her sleeves to show me the cruel hard evidence and I immediately started to get a strong sense of dread in my body. I start to believe that she is not lying and I should give her a chance to speak out the truth of what happened. Just a chance. I am in shock to even ask her how she got them, but I sit back down in silence.
“It started the week after you confessed to me. I..I went to the gym storage closet to find a spare basketball for the court, the one that was always outside near the soccer field? By the bleachers? Anyway, I went inside of the closet and I was looking for the ball until I heard a strong creak noise before the door closed. It was too dark to see but I knew someone else was there. I got the ball before the person grabbed me and...and..we fucked. It was rough and hard and painful, but somewhere in my mind that I liked the forcefulness. The rough feeling of being penetrated...I got lost in the pleasure. After it happened, I tried to think about what is gonna happen now. I admitted that I loved it and that person knew about it. He had everything against me: We were both 18 and the new landmark hearing left me powerless.”
Landmark hearing? What the hell are you referring to?
“The trial of Cinnamon Warp v. Cluster industries. The ruling was that any person without evidence of sexual assault that has either party saying no to sexual encounters while on file cannot be exonerated with allegations or word of mouth.” Fluttershy says as I look at her like a complete dumbass.
“It means that without physical evidence without me saying no to the sexual encounters...I couldn’t use it against my aggressor.” Fluttershy finishes as I listened in silence.
A landmark decision that has stripped away all sexual assault victims of going after their aggressors? It..just seemed…overly convenient for her to say. A random as landmark hearing that basically allowed this relationship with your aggressor to continue? I can’t believe it because it's so random and weak. However at this point, if she wants to spew legal bullshit that shouldn’t matter, then let her continue her disrespect. I say that to her as started to treat all of her communication as lies and just shitty attempts to sweep my pain underneath a rug.
“There was nothing I could do, Dorian.” Fluttershy said as sniffled, but I got angry as that was a bullshit excuse. She could have told her! I would do something about it, but instead you did what? Just kept silence and continue to have sex behind my back over a secret you thought I couldn’t handle?
“You are shaking Dorian. If this is how you act now...imagine how you would have acted if we were back in high school. You can’t handle it and I am sorry for being cruel, but you can’t handle the truth. If I told you the truth Dorian...what would you have done and what have you done? You are just...an emotionally weak person.” Fluttershy says that shit after all of these years? You have no right to say such things is what I told her. How can she claim that when you never trusted me enough to believe in me? You thought I could not help you in that situation? Like we couldn’t go to an authoritative figure for help? You were being used! You were being raped or-
“I consented to all of it, Dorian. Every last act.” Fluttershy said to me as my heart grew heavy.
She sits upright and continues to talk to me after that. She went on to talk about all of the acts of depravity she did with this person. From anal beads to vibrators. From exhibitionism to the video that was sent to me. I asked about the dreaded video where the dude in question had a mask on his face as he did all kinds of debaucherous acts to Fluttershy. Did she really consent to such a cruel act of disloyalty and disrespect to me? All because of it being sexaully pleasing? Fluttershy starts to talk about that video.
“He texted me that night and asked me to come over to his place..he did what he usually did: Teasing me, talking about how you can’t please me, and all kinds of psychological forms of harassment. When he started touching me and brought me to an orgasm..my mind went blank and it was filled with an addiction to the pleasure. I..I had to do whatever it took to please him to experience that kind of pleasure over and over again. It was a rush and..when I saw that he had a camera set-up behind us..I knew just what he was going to do” Fluttershy says as her head lowers down so that it was looking at her lap.
“The sex and stuff continued after the video was sent and...eventually..I got pregnant with his baby..” Fluttershy finished as the final nail was struck on my mind.
She was pregnant..? She…
My mind was a mess after the revelation and reflecting on it now, I deserved to be angry and prejudiced...It was filled to the brim with all kinds of anger and pain, but that was the one thing I could not have comprehended. My mind wasn’t ready for that news and...I started to lash out against her. I yelled some more, called her all forms of names from slut to bitch. I was furious...but mostly sad. I didn’t know back then that I had lost everything before it even started. I thought it was a cruel joke, but I couldn’t stomach her anymore and I walked away after I expressed my inner hurt. I didn’t care about anything anymore and the bitch who continues to haunt my pain...I just can’t believe that I have been tortured, betrayed, and abused by her and the world that we both live in. I wish this pain on nobody else. Because there is no coming back from that. Nothing...can stop the ebbing of the mind when it was abused when vulnerable. Nothing. She doesn’t deserve to make peace with me and I didn’t deserve such pain. Fuck that “it is in the past” bullshit because the past is what got you to the present in the first place. So to ignore the pain that you once came from is impossible. Especially when the pain keeps stabbing you in the back.
It is what makes you stronger..the pain that you must never forget because when you do...it will come back far worse than when it stayed.
