Back in the Day

by TheKMExperience

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Starswirl the Bearded, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2850

Behold his "awww"-some power!

Over a thousand years ago, an incredibly gifted wizard traveled far and wide in search of a rare ingredient needed for his mystical endeavors

The trek was rough, perilous and fraught with danger at every turn.

Luckily, he had a little help...

Published 2021-01-03 21:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-28 16:49:55 UTC

...It Was A Weirder Time

What was my greatest solo adventure?

I've gone through many journeys back in my day. Some effortlessly simple, some life-threateningly dangerous, some that result in me missing countless library fees.

Ooooh, all the library fees......

Anyways, I'm getting off track.

While all of them were good times, this particular mission is one that I remember the most fondly of. One that I faced completely solo. For the most part...

My perilous, yet bizzare quest for the Rosewood Crystal.

Many, many, manymanymany moons ago, I braved the foggy bogs of MuchSmellia one humid afternoon, having followed a withered path for hours in hopes of finding myself a place to rest. The only thing in my possession was a large wicker basket full of, let's just say, the bare necessities.

My wavy, luxurious beard waved on in the cool wind as I scuffed the gnarly moss from my hooves. There, I see upon the horizon, a quiet little village. Not one of the best looking villages out there, but nopony's perfect.

It had been quite a hectic morning, so I decided to take a rest stop at a nearby saloon.

Once I stepped inside, however, a part of me preferred the bog.

The place was crawling with sneaky, flea-bitten vermin and the heinous aroma of a poorly managed stable filled the room. The shady exchanges and boisterous roaring of the patrons grinded to a halt as I trotted over toward the bar, everypony's eyes locked onto me.

"What can I get for ya, stranger?" the barkeep asked, scrubbing the dirty counter with an even filthier rag.

"Do you have any bread by any chance, my good stallion?" I asked. "And some water would be nice."

"Comin' right up."

As I patiently waited for my refreshments, I noticed a dark unicorn mare fashioning a live cobra around her neck staring daggers at me a few stools away.

"Afternoon, madam." I uttered.

Her stern frown remained still as her cobra hissed at me and proceeded to devour the shot of cider on the counter beside it.

"Nice chatting with you both."

After some rather awkward silence, the barkeep finally returns with three slices of bread and a glass of water.

"Here ya go, mate."

"Much appreciated." I nodded, levitating two bits on the counter before taking my meal.

I cautiously stepped my way around the unidentifiable messes strewn across the wooden floor toward a clear table in the corner of the establishment, bread and water in my magic. Keeping to myself, I took a seat, tore two chunks from a slice of bread and dropped them along with the cup of water into the opened basket resting beside me.

Suddenly, a rather putrid odor assaulted my nostrils as the shadow of a tall figure towers over me.

"How's it goin', gramps?" a stallion in grimy clothing cleared his raspy voice with a toothy smirk. "What brings you here?"

"I'm a V.I.W." I stated bluntly.

"A wha?"

"A very important wizard, my good boy."

"Pffft, yeah right. Nice outfit, 'wizard'."

The stallion pulled the brim of my hat over my eyes with a deep, buffoonish chortle.

"As much as I would love to chat, sir," I sighed, lifting my hat up from my line of vision. "I'm trying to enjoy my lunch here, as you can clearly tell. I've been traveling for quite a long while and would like to rest right now."

"Ooh, ya hear that?" the brute scoffed loudly, getting everypony's attention. "Oldie here has been traveling for a 'long' time. From here to the outhouse, I bet!"

Hearty laughter and heavy stomps from the bar's patrons flooded the room while I kept my composure.

"Ya know, I've been givin' you a hard time," he continued. "Here, have a drink. It's on me!"

The rowdy crowd's laughter and cheers grew twice as loud as the dirty hooligan cruelly pours a mug of frothy cider upon my jingling hat, soaking it along with my cloak and fur.

There, I feel a single drop of the lukewarm beverage slither down my cheek and stain my signature BEARD.

"I must say," I said sternly. "You have made quite a mess."

"Oh, please," the stallion blew a raspberry. "What are you gonna do about it, huh? Why don't you go tend to your back pains?"

"Very well then." I nodded, delicately closing and carrying the basket in my magic.

I rose from my seat and casually headed for the exit, keeping my head low to avoid the filthy mugs and crummy poker cards carelessly being thrown around.

"Panthenol, citric acid, and jojoba oil," I said, sliding a large barrel up against the bar's wooden doors. "You know what they all have in common?"

Everypony's harsh and juvenile remarks are quickly silenced as I flip a table high with my magic, expertly placing it atop the barrel.

"W-What are you going on about, you old coot?" the rude stallion gulped, backing away from me.

"They're all found inside conditioner," I continued. "Hair conditioner, to be exact. The kind of hair that's both luxurious and sacred. Like my beard for example, which you have tarnished with your ignorance. I wouldn't use the term 'old', but rather......'experienced'."

My mighty horn shined a bright white that lit up the relatively dim establishment, astonishing all that witnessed its hypnotizing glow.

"What are you gonna do with that thing?!" the stallion grunted.

"I'm just taking your advice to heart, son. I'm tending to the pains in my back!"

With a blinding pulse from my horn, the stallion was thrown into the bar counter with a loud CRUNCH, shaking the whole saloon.

When the dust settled, the large oaf rose from the cracked pile of lumber.

"Oooooh, now ya done made it personal." he hissed.

I smirked a glorious smirk before shattering a nearby glass mug against the lunging ruffian's noggin, forcing him to the ground with a triumphant hoof.

"Anypony else care to share their grievances?" I asked.

Just when I assumed the hostility cooled down-

PEW!

A golden beam of magic from my basket soared past me, striking a pony whom had attempted to strike at me and sent him crashing into a trash bin.

"Anyone ELSE have anything to say?

Everypony shook their heads.

For real this time.

"Good."

As I let out a satisfied sigh, I trotted over to the barkeep, placing a generous tip on the counter before him.

"I'm looking for a safe path to a mountain," I stated. "You have any maps on you by any chance?"

"O-Of course, sir," the barkeep squealed, rustling through a crate of old maps. "I gots all kinds of maps right here, mate. Where ya need to go? Oats County? Hoove's Pass? Luna Ray?

"Rosewood Mountain."

The bar was suddenly filled with gasps and murmurs from all sides.

"Sure about that one?" the barkeep asked, concerned. "Ya know that places mighty cursed, right?"

"I can manage," I said. "Curses are merely mouse traps compared to what I've been up against. Word of advice, buy more mouse traps. You desperately need them."

Rustling further, the stallion finally found the correct map. "H-Here you go then, on da house."

"Thank you."

I collected the map and headed out with my things.

"Farewell, gentlecolts," I nodded calmly, strolling out of the bar. "I do hope you've learned something on this day."

I left that quaint little bar with my horn, my hat and my pride held high.

Nopony messes with another pony's beard.

Ever...

There Was Danger Everywhere...

According to legend, the Rosewood Crystal is said to be one of the most difficult treasures to ever obtain, even by the most skilled adventurers. If you somehow manage to come across it, it was apparently quite impossible to leave the mountain with it in hoof. If the crystal by chance did leave the mountain, this "curse" would be lifted.

I, being the stoic sorcerer stallion that I ~~am~~ was, paid no heed to everypony's many warnings and pressed forward. Only thing that was on my mind was finishing my experiment.

I needed that blasted crystal, I just had to get my hooves on it. I just had to...

And no insignificant curse was gonna stop me.

It took me half a day to reach the desolate maple tree-covered mountain, and an hour or two to traverse it, for the mountain had a spell that rebuffed teleportation.

The hike itself was very......unnerving, to say the least. It was like a violent struggle had occurred long ago.

There were some cracked, faded pony statues scattered about in the grand woods, covered in vines and strange claw marks to the point of being unrecognizable. Chunks of stone were strewn across the dirt path and trees were snapped in half and left laying about. I needed to find that treasure and get out of there.

But then, I finally found it.

Standing tall before me was a large, stone totem, expertly carved and robust. Sticking out in the center of the base of the totem lied the Rosewood Crystal itself.

Crouched atop the mighty totem was a statue of a rather demonic figure, claws digging into the totem's top and razor sharp teeth bared. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a tad uneasy with it staring down upon me as I approached it.

As I got a closer look at the encased crystal, I notice a dirty scroll resting on the ground in front of the totem and examined it in my magic.

"Hmm, step one," I read to myself, following the scroll's instructions. "Turn crystal clockwise. Step two, twist crystal back counter clockwise. Step three, firmly dislodge crystal."

PLUCK!

I successfully tug out the pulsing crystal.

"Ha!" I exclaimed. "Success! Most glorious!"

Right there before my eyes, I witnessed a horrible red mist leaking out the foundation of the stone totem like a punctured dam as trails branch out and surrounding me.

"That doesn't look right..." I uttered, flipping the scroll around. "Step four, ignore step three and run like the Dickins?! Who gives instructions like this?!"

Whoever had the job to write those instructions like that definitely needed to be fired...

SLASH!

"AUGH!"

I shuffled back as something sharp swiped at my cheek.

The demonic statue had suddenly sprung to life and clawed at me, drawing a little blood from my cheek. It's haunting howls shook the earth as its stone skin chips off to reveal it's rough, red hide underneath. It's roar must've been the dinner bell, for dozens upon dozens of identically hideous demons had emerged from the red mist, surrounding me on all sides.

"Begone, ye spawn of evil!" I barked. "I have no business with you lot! I have the crystal in hoof, now return to the pit of hate from whence you came!"

The flock of demons spread their bony wings and take flight, hovering over me like vicious vultures waiting to strike. My horn warms up for the grisly assault that was soaring down upon me. With a swift nod, I blasted a dive bombing demon through the chest, reducing it to dark ash.

The rest of its bad brethren gnash their jaws and leap into action. Blast after blinding blast, swift buck after swift buck, I laid waste to the awful army, not letting them lay a claw on me or my luxurious beard!

But with every demon I fought off, two more crawled out. And for every three I take out, another six appear. Twas one devastating slice at me after another, barely giving me a moment to defend.

They clawed at my face, at my hat, at my robe, at my body!

They nearly nicked my......my beard!

At that point, I knew I was clearly outmatched.

I quickly grabbed my hat and basket and crawled under the nearest pile of rubble, narrowly escaping the enemy's oncoming onslaught.

I had come this far on my journey, and that very moment felt like the perfect time to use my secret weapon. A handy technique for life-threatening occasions like this, one that's helped me through the stickiest of situations.

I put the crystal in ~~my beard~~ a safe place and carefully held my fragile basket close. I grabbed a small bag of sugar cubes from it and dropped a few inside.

With my two most trusted weapons loaded and ready for battle, I emerged from my hiding spot with a triumphant STOMP.

"Say hello to my little friends!" I bellowed in my epic wizard voice.

"Weeeeeeeeee!!!" li'l Tia squees.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!" li'l Luna cheers.

PEW! PEW!

It was glorious.

Strapped to my hooves in soft fabric were my two most valuable allies, little peppy Celestia, and little silly Luna, powered by child innocence and SUGAR!

"Woooooah!" li'l Tia squeaked.

"Yayaaaaah!" li'l Luna shouts.

There we were, horns burning bright and evening the odds. My little companions uttered little "pew" sounds with each magical blow, blissfully ignorant to the extreme danger that we were all in at the moment.

I pushed forward, however, dashing through on path down the mountain as the furious demons give chase. Dipping and dodging their swooping attacks, I maneuver through the rubble on the path and leap onto a large, sturdy log. Using my magic, I tuck the little ones safely under my hat and forced the log off the nearest cliff, taking the quick route down as the beasts flock after me.

On the bumpy way down, we had made an impressive streak of......what do you kids call 'em nowadays? "Head-shots"?

Suddenly, one sneaky demon steers the log off course and bounces it off the mountain, sending me tumbling against the boulders below.

"Bad dah!" Tia huffed, blasting the creature into dust.

I recovered from the disorienting fall, secured the children and crystal, and managed to reach the mountain's exit. As soon as I land safely, one determined beast lunges after us...

The CRYSTAL..." it hissed. Give us back the CRYST-"

Before turning to black dust mere inches away from us. The rest of the defeated army growl in defeat as they all melt into dust as well.

The struggle now over, and the curse finally lifted, I collapsed on the ground.

"Stah-Swah?" Luna chimed, hugging my face.

"Heh......I'm okay, little ones." I sighed with a smile. "Just a little exhausted, that's all."

"Cue!" Tia squeaked, clapping her little hooves. "Cue!"

"No more sugar cubes, I won't say it again, Tia."

"Myeh!"

I eventually got enough strength to stand, levitated my two allies onto my back, and head down the quiet path. I got what I came here for and I anticipated using it for my special project.

"Let's go home." I hummed.

"Yaaay!" the little fillies cheered.

My journey was finally over.
I'm too old for this...

But It Was Worth It In The End...

"And that, girls, is my most grand solo and two-halves mission ever."

"My, that was an incredible tale." Luna smiles. "I never knew I could be so helpful to you!"

"Speak for yourself, sister," Celestia giggles. "I saved our teacher!"

"You seem to forget, I helped him too, sister." Luna huffs, scrunching up her muzzle. "It sounded like he had more firing accuracy with me."

"Oh, that's nothing. I no doubt had the stronger beams."

"Well, I-I......I had the cutest 'pews'!"

"Girls, girls," Starswirl chuckles over the two sisters' bickering. "You were both equally helpful. Though, I have to ask, you two haven't been experiencing any odd...side effects, have you? Both of you came in contact with the crystal and I need to be sure."

"Not from what we recall, no." Celestia ponders. "What kind of side effects?"

"Oh, it could be anything. Twitches, multicolored tongues, magic deficiency, a frequent and insatiable appetite for cake..."

Luna snickers to herself as her sister attempts to hide her blushing cheeks.

"I think we're safe." Celestia chuckles sheepishly. "I've been meaning to ask, what did you use the crystal for?"

"Ah, I almost forgot."

The wise wizard hops out of his chair and pulls up a dusty brown box from his robe with a warm smile.

"I used it to make this."

Starswirl levitates a shiny, pink and blue star-shaped picture frame before the two sisters.

"The greatest project I've ever done. Which was taking care of you two..."

The two former princesses cover their mouths with their hooves as they begin to tear up.

"Oh, Starswirl..." Luna gasps.

"It's amazing." Celestia sniffles. "But......when did you make this?"

"Maaaaany years ago, actually. I meant to give it to you both alot sooner, but after the Pillars incident..."

"Ohhh..." the sisters sigh in unison, giving an understanding nod.

"But, that journey was worth it. In the end, I get to see my two best students smile."

The two sisters huddle up and pull their kind teacher into a warm, grateful embrace, finally seeing just how much their mentor cares for them.

"I love you." Starswirl says wholeheartedly.

"We love you, too." they say together.

Author's Note