Opposite Day

by Ficta_Scriptor

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Nurse Redheart, Random, Discord
Length: 1104

Chaos soon consumes the land, conjured up from Discord's hand. There's really nothing else to say, for you see, today is opposite day!

For those of you who feel inclined,
To lay back and expand your mind,
This poem aims to make you smile,
So line up, readers, single file,
Into a world beyond compare,
No sense or logic anywhere,
There's really nothing else to say,
For you see, today is opposite day.

Published 2020-08-29 23:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-29 23:50:00 UTC

Opposite Day

The alarm clock rang, fell down and broke,

And from his slumber, Discord awoke.

He had dreamt of kittens with laser eyes,

And roguish mares with supple thighs.

He yawned and outstretched all his limbs,

Pondering his daily whims.

An idea sprang into his mind,

That surpassed all others combined.

“Oh my,” he said, with unbridled glee,

“This one’s just the job for me.”

He snapped his claws upon each hand,

And magic spread across the land.

As chaos reigned by unpopular vote,

The Draconequus began to gloat.

“I’ve outdone myself, I have to say,

For you see, today is opposite day.”

~

The Canterlot guards patrolled the halls,

Adhering to the protocols.

To the princess, vowed to stake their lives,

Through heaven or hell, through guns and knives.

Their loyalty was absolute,

So the day’s events did not compute.

For into the barracks, who dared to come,

But Celestia, with a bottle of rum.

She spat out curse words one after another,

And made sexual advances on Twilight’s brother.

The guards were stunned, watching from the steps,

As she vomited on the delegates.

“My bottle’s empty,” Celestia slurred,

Her legs unstable and her vision blurred.

“Get me some whiskey, you lazy buffoon,

Or I’ll send you to the flippin’ moon.”

Unable to make a hasty retreat,

They tried calming her with her favorite treat.

Celestia denied the strawberry cake,

And tossed the guards into the lake.

“It’s boring here,” Celestia said,

And to the pub, she turned and fled.

Her gallop soon turned to a crawl,

After a rather violent drunken brawl.

“I want to curl up in my bed!”

Celestia cried as she clutched her head.

The citizens could do naught but pray,

For you see, today was opposite day.

~

A chilly breeze passed through the reeds,

As dandelions spread their seeds,

Over the hills to a land beyond,

Circling a furtive pond.

Fluttershy hid behind a tree,

Cackling in a fit of glee.

Some swans were swimming by the shore,

The creatures she used to adore.

But now a plan hatched in her mind,

That many would see as unkind.

Springing forth beside a duck,

She then asked, “Hey, d’you wanna play?”

The game she had in mind was cruel,

As from her mouth she starts to drool.

Back home she has an iron pot,

The water inside boiling hot.

“Why spend time flying to and fro,

When in my tummy you must go!”

Craving now, this thirst was new,

For hoisin duck or rabbit stew.

In the oven she would bake,

A pigeon roll or lizard cake.

The animals all shrieked in fear,

From raccoon, mouse, to toad and deer.

They ran and flew to save their life,

From a hungry mare with a butcher’s knife.

From dawn to dusk she chased them round,

Snarling like a rabid hound.

The beasts and birds stayed out of reach,

Despite her efforts to beseech,

‘Til finally she gave up hope,

Of feasting on an antelope.

She stopped, admitting her defeat,

Failing in her hunt for meat.

“You didn’t end up on my plate,

But Angel bunny tasted great!”

Predator to every prey,

For you see, today was opposite day.

~

In hospitals, injured and sick,

Asthmatics and the anemic,

Relied upon conversant staff,

To save them from an epitaph.

Their hopes and dreams were crushed for sure,

As Nurse Redheart stepped in through the door.

To those with acute abdominal pain,

She recommended cellophane.

“Wrap it around your nose and mouth,

And watch an episode of Journey South.

You’ll be cured in fifteen seconds flat!

If not, eat half a baseball bat.”

The patients started to freak out,

Their fragile minds now plagued with doubt.

“I know what I’m doing!” Redheart said,

Treating syphilis with a loaf of bread.

“Butter it up and stick it in,

Then down a whole bottle of gin.

Do that nineteen times a day,

And it’ll clear your passageway.”

For twisted hooves and broken back,

She prescribed an aphrodisiac.

The stallions were hard as rock,

As their children sat upon the bed,

Try as they might to hide their shame,

They brought disgrace upon the family name.

“Take these pills to cure your AIDS,”

She said, prescribing razor blades.

To those with water on the brain,

She injected ten grams of cocaine.

To a frostbite victim, she said thus,

“Hurl yourself under a bus.

Forget your indomethacin,

The wheels will moisturize your skin.”

The patients cried out in dismay,

For you see, today was opposite day.

~

Chaos spread across the land,

And things got rather out of hand.

Applejack kept spouting lies,

In a fiendish ploy to advertise.

“Our apples make you rich, I’m told,

They’ll turn your wares to solid gold.

When juiced, they turn to lemonade,

And explode when thrown, like a grenade.”

Rarity had also changed,

Though not that she’d become deranged.

She did what no-one could expect,

And treated Spike with some respect.

“I’ll give you anything you need!”

She cried, continuing to plead.

The dragon wished to know the reasons,

She’d cock-teased him for seven seasons.

And when the mare spilled out her heart,

She welcomed Spike as her sweetheart.

Curled next to him, her body limp,

Spike turned her down. “I ain’t no simp.”

Twilight caught some worried looks,

As she took part in burning books.

“These stacks of paper filled with words,

Are only good for lonely nerds!”

Pinkie Pie just moped around,

Dragging her hooves along the ground,

While Maud Pie sang throughout the street,

With lyrics I cannot repeat,

And Rainbow Dash, with all her power,

Barely broke two miles an hour.

It’s worth noting that she wasn’t gay,

For you see, today was opposite day.

~

Discord hummed a pleasant tune,

As he envisioned the resulting doom,

From a world to which he could enhance,

But still, he was pulled from his trance.

There was a time, he was carefree,

Daydream would be reality.

He’d had a change in point of view,

And couldn’t bring himself to do,

The things he conjured in his mind,

For doing so would be unkind.

As much as it would make him laugh,

He pledged to act on friends’ behalf.

Their actions had since touched his heart,

And he couldn’t bear to be apart.

This God of chaos, thus resigned,

To watch out for all ponykind.

Opposite day would never come,

A nicer creature, he’d become.

And so he shrugged and shook his head,

And to his inner self he said,

“All things must come to an end,”

For you see, he’d made some wonderful friends.