Don't Invite Witches to Weddings

by MagnetBolt

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sunset Shimmer, Queen Chrysalis, Slice of Life
Length: 2559

Sunset Shimmer had an exhausting misadventure in Saddle Arabia and can't wait to get caught up with Princess Cadance and talk about her upcoming wedding!

Queen Chrysalis is the most perfect, brilliant, intelligent foe Equestria has ever faced, and in just a few days she's going to unleash her plan to conquer Canterlot, and then Equestria, once and for all. At this late stage, nothing can stop her! She can just sit back and enjoy herself until the moment comes to drop the hammer.

Sunset Shimmer isn't perfect, but she's had once heck of a time in Saddle Arabia and can't wait to tell Princess Cadance all about it!

They'll get along like a house on fire.

A one-shot sequel to The Witch of Canterlot.

Published 2020-08-30 21:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-08-30 21:10:02 UTC

Less Than Perfect

It was a perfect day.

I tried a few smiles with the pink, soft face that greeted me in the mirror. They came so easily that they were very nearly genuine. Everything had gone according to plan - I’d thrown one alicorn into the lightless pits under Canterlot and the other two were so stupid that they hadn’t even noticed anything was wrong.

In just a few days, I’d make my move and Canterlot would fall. I could almost taste victory already, and it tasted lovely.

The pony in the mirror was Princess Cadance, but my name is Queen Chrysalis, and I am the greatest infiltrator in the world. I’m also the most clever creature. And the best at lying. And those are only some of my many peerless skills! Soon, among my other titles and accolades would be ‘ruler of Equestria’.

But only until I changed the name of the country. I had a shortlist of ideas already. For some reason, I was growing fond of Doppelpoppilus. There was something pleasing about the, if you’ll pardon the pun, cadence of it.

There was a knock at the door. I already knew my disguise was perfect, because I was perfect, but I checked in the mirror anyway before answering.

“Yes?” I asked, trying to sound like a soft, sweet pony princess. I absolutely nailed it, of course.

“Ma’am, a visitor for you,” the guard said, after cracking the door open and giving me a salute that made me wish my own hive was half as well trained. That was one thing I’d give the ponies - they could keep their troops from acting like idiots even when a fool like Shining Armor was in charge of them.

“Is it one of the wedding planners? I didn’t think they’d be coming yet.”

“No, Ma’am. It’s, uh…” he sounded unsure for a moment, then straightened up after coming to some kind of internal decision. “It’s Lady Sunset Shimmer.”

I paused. The way he said it made it seem like I should know the mare. I could taste some kind of emotion in the air, but couldn’t quite place it yet.

“Fine, send her in,” I said, waving a hoof dismissively. A tip for any future changeling infiltrators - when in doubt, just act like nothing’s wrong. And if you were really in trouble, start crying. Ponies have no idea how to handle it when the mare in front of them starts weeping.

The guard stepped out of the way, and Death trotted into the room.

I don’t know how I hadn’t sensed it before it walked into the room. Shrouded in funeral black, it trotted inside past the guards. Why weren’t they stopping it? Couldn’t they sense it? The horrible pressure. Standing in front of Celestia was like being in full sunlight, overbearing and warm, and given to causing heatstroke in sensitive ponies. Luna’s aura was like being in a starlit field and catching glimpses of something predatory watching you from the corner of your eye.

This was like being in the middle of a burning building, with no escape in sight. A haze of power that blotted out everything around her.

She threw back her hood.

“Cadance!” she said, with a big grin. “You didn’t tell me you were getting married!”

“W-well, it was all so sudden, I didn’t have much time to tell anypony,” I said, trying to keep calm. She wasn’t attacking immediately. She seemed friendly. I could get out of this. I was, after all, the most perfect, cleverest, and deceptive creature in the world.

“I guess I can’t give you too much grief. I was overseas and -- wait, did Celestia tell you yet?” She narrowed her gaze. “No, she couldn’t have. Otherwise, you’d be teasing me already. Do you have anything to drink? We’ll need drinks to get through my story.”

“I think I have some wine…” I said. Who was this pony?

“Perfect,” she said, sweeping over to a low table and settling down at it. “My leg’s all stiff. I hope you don’t mind if I sit first.”

“It’s fine,” I said. I cleared my throat. I had to get control of the situation. She clearly knew me, or rather, knew Cadance, so I was going to have to play this carefully. “You must have just gotten back to Canterlot.”

It was an easy guess. If she hadn’t been out of the city, I’d have noticed her, and she’d already know the news about my upcoming wedding-ceremony-slash-hostile-takeover.

“Do you prefer red or white?” I asked, picking up a few bottles. They were tokens of affection from well-wishers who wanted to beg the Princess of Love for help with their own romantic problems. I had a list of the names. Once things were under my control I was going to do something suitably ironic with them.

“If I close my eyes I really can’t tell the difference,” she said. “Whatever you don’t mind opening, I guess.”

I couldn’t tell the difference either, truth be told. I was a master at deception and I suspected ponies were plying at my trade when they pretended to say clever things about bottles of spoiled grape juice.

“Red, then,” I said. Even if I couldn’t tell the difference, I was going to be decisive about it. I popped the cork and poured two glasses, resisting the urge to poison one. I had to play this carefully, and that meant no bodies to dispose of.

“Thanks,” Sunset Shimmer said. I sat down across from her and watched her drain the whole glass the moment it was offered to her. “So, this is going to sound crazy, but I ended up engaged while I was gone.”

“Engaged?” What idiot would propose to a walking disaster?

“Yeah! To a princess!” She laughed and I took the opportunity to refill her glass. “I know, I know. It sounds bad. I have no idea what kind of news came through, but I bet it wasn’t good. I’d give you the long version but it’s twistier than Pinkie Pie’s mane.”

“...Who?”

“Pinkie Pie. You know, from Ponyville.”

“I meant ‘which princess’,” I lied. “I don’t remember Princess Luna or Princess Celestia announcing anything.”

“Princess Shahrazad of Saddle Arabia,” she said.

“Congratulations,” I said, offering a warm smile and trying to force it to reach my eyes.

“Oh, don’t congratulate me yet,” Sunset said. “This mess is your fault, you know!”

I froze a little. “My fault?”

“It was supposed to be your mission!” Sunset complained, draining half of her second glass in one long sip. “I was an idiot for taking it from you.”

“I take it you’re not entirely pleased with the arrangement?” I asked.

“Cadance, you can sense love. You tell me.”

“If this is a professional consultation, we shouldn’t be drinking,” I said. Not that I’d even had a sip.

“Alright so,” Sunset said, putting her glass down and almost spilling it in the process. Did her being tipsy mean she was more dangerous, or less? A chill went down my elytra. “At first, she seemed super nice, right? Obviously, she’s attractive. Like, you’d have a hard time pulling off her look.”

“You might be surprised,” I retorted.

Sunset smirked. “I’ll have to ask your fiancée. Say, where is he?”

“He’s busy. Guard stuff.” I laughed mildly. “I’m not really sure about the day-to-day of it all.”

“Ugh, it’s all paperwork, you know,” Sunset said. “So, Shahrazad. She’s putting some moves on me, and I’m thinking it’s because I saved her from an assassination attempt. You know, the kind of stuff that happens in bad romance stories.”

“But never in real life.”

“Exactly!” Sunset nodded and pointed at me like I’d scored a major point. “Never! She just happens to walk out in front of my parade float and then assassins go after her in public in front of a crowd? Where were her guards? Why wouldn’t the assassins wait for a better time? Lots of questions I should have asked, and didn’t, because I wanted to be a big stupid hero.”

“If you ended up engaged, you must have impressed her.” I paused. “Or you intimidated her enough she wanted to find some way to control you.”

“Two good guesses, both of them wrong,” Sunset smirked. “See, it turned out that my fiancée wasn’t who I thought she was!”

I swallowed. My throat felt dry. Like all the slime in my body had hardened. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. It turned out that she was just a two-faced liar.”

She was smiling. I couldn’t read her at all. Was she looking right through my disguise? I started to remember half-heard conversations, insignificant ponies talking to each other in passing. I had heard her name before. I hadn’t paid attention then.

“See, she arranged the whole thing,” Sunset continued. “She thought she’d rope me into a marriage, or a fake one really, and then use me to take over Saddle Arabia! It almost worked, too. I totally fell for her innocent princess act. It turns out she was a totally different pony than I thought.”

“And… how is she now?” I asked. Dead? Turned to stone? Turned to stone and locked in a cage and thrown into the ocean to serve as a garden ornament for the seaponies?

“Well she almost got killed,” Sunset said, with a mild shrug. “As I said, things got really twisty. I think I almost toppled their government by accident. There were secret police and ponies that might be immortal and a djinn.” She waved a hoof dismissively. “The important thing is, I got back just in time!”

“Just in time,” I repeated.

“I wouldn’t want to miss your wedding!” She smiled sharply.

“O-of course not!” I tried to match her smile. It was like clashing blades while holding my sword behind my back. The metaphor is awkward, yes, but so was the situation.

“I am annoyed you didn’t ask me to be your mare of honor,” Sunset continued. “But I’ll forgive you since I was out of the country when you were planning things.”

“It’s short notice, but I’m sure we can work you in somewhere,” I said. Maybe if I found a way to ambush her, that ‘somewhere’ could be banished to the same place I’d thrown the real Cadance. It was quieter than trying to fight her openly, and nopony could find their way out of those caverns on their own.

“Thanks,” Sunset said.

“Oh it’s no problem at all,” I said, trying to decide which poison would work best.

“You know the thing is,” Sunset said. “I did learn one really valuable thing in Saddle Arabia.”

“What’s that?” I raised the wineglass to my lips.

“You should always pay attention to the little details,” Sunset said. “Did you know Cadance’s magic is blue?”

I looked at the wineglass, outlined in my acid-green aura.

You would think being the most powerful pony in Equestria would make it easier to get wedding planning done. Even if the political power wasn’t enough, ponies should have been able to recognize that it was best to just do what I asked and I could be trusted to get the paperwork done later. A thousand years of service without skipping a day was impossible to beat on a resume!

But no, the caterers and decorators and musicians all wanted me to get the stamp of approval from the Royal Budget before they’d even begin. And since my niece had turned into a bit of a brat and a bridezilla lately, there were countless demands to take care of. It was enough to make me start considering other options. Perhaps I could convince my most faithful student to take on the burden? She loved paperwork even more than Luna.

And then there was the mysterious threat that the intelligence service had warned me about. It would have been more intelligent of them to actually find out what it was, but I suppose I could only ask so much of the ponies under my command. The intelligence service had suffered tremendously ever since I’d disbanded SMILE, and I was regretting the hasty decision. Even if their methods weren’t needed anymore with the Elements assembled, they could have assisted Twilight and her friends. Perhaps it was time to consider reforming the agency, if I could find the right pony to head the organization.

For now, Luna was having to pull double duty trying to suss out the nature of what threatened Equestria. She was away all day searching for clues and guarded Canterlot by night. I had no idea how she could function with almost no sleep, but it was taking a great burden from me, and I think it was knowing that she was taking on the burden that motivated her. Our relationship was stronger than ever, but she was still torn by guilt that I had yet to convince her was unneeded.

I was penning a letter to my student when my chamber door burst open.

My guards had fallen, collapsed under some magical attack. A horror buzzed into the room, a foe I hadn’t seen in centuries.

“Queen Chrysalis!” I gasped, standing and shoving my desk aside to face her. “I don’t know why you came here but--”

“Take her back!” Chrysalis yelled, throwing a bundle at me. It landed at my hooves, and Princess Cadance looked up at me, her coat and mane a messy disaster and her body wrapped in spider silk.

“...What?” I asked, confused.

“I’m done!” Chrysalis shouted. “This plan is a total wash! You bucking ponies are just so… so!” She growled and looked behind her. “Call off your attack dog!”

“What?” I repeated, dumbly. I heard distant fire alarms.

“Don’t make me beg!” Chrysalis snapped. “I surrender! I’m leaving! I learned my lesson. Look, I even gave your princess back!”

“I didn’t know she was gone…” I mumbled. Thankfully, Chrysalis didn’t hear me. She’d spun around and was staring down the hallway outside my room.

“She’s coming,” Chrysalis whispered. “Hide me!”

“Hide-- you’re an enemy of Equestria!”

“I claim sanctuary!” She shouted. Then she turned and shouted down the hall. “You hear that? Sanctuary!” She turned back to me. “That’s still a thing, right?”

“That’s… that’s never been a thing.”

“Buck!” Chrysalis looked behind her again, then darted for the balcony, shoving at the doors. I didn’t have time to tell her they opened inwards. She just blew them out with a wave of force and flew out, leaving me blinking and confused.

Sunset ran into my bedroom a few moments later, limping and sweating. “You’re cornered now!”

“She went that way,” I said, pointing at the broken window.

Sunset gave me a look that sent a shiver down my spine, then grabbed a book from my shelf without warning and threw it at me. I caught it in midair on reflex. She looked at the golden aura, nodded, then pointed to Cadance.

“Take care of that, okay?” she asked. “I’ll be back later.”

Sunset vanished in a flare of teleportation.

I sat down.

“I hate weddings,” I sighed.

Cadance mumbled something that sounded like agreement through her gag.

Author's Note

Just something quick I wanted to get out for fun.

Thanks to all my readers!