“And why, pray tell, does the marijuana business require the assassination services of the Great and Powerful Trixie?”
Tree Hugger tipped a little of the ash off her joint into a custom ashtray on her desk and addressed the visitor sitting across from her. “Like...who would suspect it?”
Trixie adjusted her position on the chair in front of Tree Hugger’s desk. “Yes, Trixie knows that she is the master of misdirection and subtlety, but the question was not why does she need to be involved, but why the agriculture sector needs to hire hits.”
“How much time do you have?” Tree Hugger asked.
“You’re literally paying Trixie to be here.”
“Oh, right. Well, so capitalism is the root of all evil.”
“You’re saying that as the founder of a billion-bit pharmaceutical company that just had a wildly successful IPO?”
“Yeah, that’s how I know.” Tree Hugger took a puff, holding the smoke in for a few seconds before continuing speaking. “So if I got myself into this situation, I have to take responsibility.”
“If you really think so.” Trixie waved a hoof.
“Yeah, so, now that I’m a capitalist overlord, I see and feel how the invisible hoof of economics works and how it gives and expects complete freedom to act and drive innovation. So I’m hiring you to kill my competitors.”
“What’s to stop them from doing it to you? Don’t get Trixie wrong, she would take their money too - capitalism you see - but she’s telling this to you now so that you may offer a higher price.”
“Well, yeah, that’s part of it, but also if I hire you to kill them first then they can’t hire anypony to kill me.” Tree Hugger clipped up the remaining fragment of her joint and continued smoking it.
Trixie frowned in thought. “But if they’re all dead and you have no competition left to kill, then Trixie is out of a job.”
“No, that’s the beauty of capitalism, there’s always innovation and competitors arising. If you kill off the big competitors, there will always be new upstarts to challenge the system and status quo. For example, what if conventional farmers decide to raze their apple orchards or whatever and start growing pot?”
“Trixie doesn’t know anything about farming.”
“Okay, well, food has to come from somewhere, right? At least cattle aren’t going to be out of work. They’ll just shift from the fertilizer industry to the dairy industry. As the marijuana business takes off, the world will need more cookies.”
Tree Hugger hit the button on a tape recorder sitting on her desk. “Note to self: Expand into the cookie market. Look into feasibility of eliminating competition from Pony Scouts.”
Trixie's brow furrowed. “...Alright. But with so much continuing work, what’s your plan for keeping this under wraps?”
“I thought you were the best.”
“Trixie is. But what if, for example, you were to get really stoned some day and let it slip that you’re hiring assassins?”
“The general public would have a chuckle over it.”
“What!?”
“Yeah, they would think it was a joke, or that I was just on drugs. I’ve been carefully planning my posts on social media for years to give the impression that I’m a wild, crazy off-the-wall personality who says things on a whim. With that kind of background, any rumors of scandals would be written off as a joke.” Tree Hugger finally finished her first joint and began a new one. “Also, that’s how I manipulate share prices.”
“You what!? Trixie owns shares in your company!”
“Well, then it’s good you understand how smoke and mirrors work so I don’t have to explain it.”
“Just…” Trixie shook her head and dropped her face down to her hooves. “Trixie needs a moment. Her worldview has been shattered today. Trixe has no say in moral matters - she's willing to kill people for money, after all - but it still came as a surprise to find out that you’re evil.”
“Oh no, I’m closer to neutral, myself.”
Trixie looked up.
“The company’s all about saving the environment and helping ponies relax.”
“By killing some of them.”
“Yeah, so it’s in balance, as all things should be.” Tree Hugger took a few puffs.
“It’s just...wouldn’t it be easier to balance if you didn’t do both extremes?”
“Maybe. Wouldn’t it be easier to do your job if you just let things be and didn’t ask so many questions? It’s like the old saying: would you rather know, or be happy?”
“Trixie struggles with this a lot, to be honest.”
Tree Hugger offered her the joint. Trixie hesitated, but then waved her hoof.
Taking the toke herself, Tree Hugger said, “I’m not telling you how to live your life or anything, but I do know a thing or two about letting things go. Don’t think of it as killing people. Think of it as removing organic obstacles to success.”
“It’s not like Trixie is trying to put it on a résumé.”
“Oh? How did I hear about you if you don’t have a documented body of work?”
“Er, Trixie is very good with presence.”
Tree Hugger smoked placidly, and asked, “So if you don’t have a résumé, how do I know that you’re actually who I’m seeking? Who have you killed before? Anypony I’ve heard of?”
“Well...Trixie wouldn’t want to kill and tell.”
Tree Hugger nodded. “A little bit of professional discretion goes a long way. It’s like lobbying the government for tax breaks.”
“You aren’t going to ask me to kill a politician, are you?”
“Nah, nobody sends hits after actual office holders. It poisons the well.”
Trixie was silent for a few seconds, taking everything in. She sat back in her chair and met Tree Hugger’s eyes. “Okay, after hearing all this, what stops Trixie from using it against you? You just said this was capitalism, after all, and high demands come with high prices.”
Tree Hugger pushed a button on her desk intercom. “Send in the next one.”
The door opened to reveal a new face. “Hi, I’m Lyra Heartstrings! I’m here about the assassin job?”
Tree Hugger gestured between her and Trixie. “Capitalism requires competition.”
Trixie blinked, stunned into silence for several seconds. “This is...really dark.”
“Why do you think I smoke so much?”
Author's Note
I don’t currently have the wherewithal to write a longer story about Lyra and Trixie competing to provide assassination services to Elon Hugger, but I would happily edit for anyone who wanted to.
This started out as an idea for a pun I had almost a year ago, and I'd like to thank Damaged, MitchH, and howard035 for contributions.
