Knife Ears

by Uh-hmmm

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 22432

Princess Ellowynelle may be stranded on a backwater plane, but she tries to make the best of it. If only the human would let her toy with him as is his place as a lesser race. (RGRE) {This story has two versions, second and first person POV}

Princess Ellowynelle may be stranded on a backwater plane, but she tries to make the best of it. If only the human would let her toy with him as is his place as a lesser race.
(RGRE)
{This story has two versions, second person POV and first person POV}

Published 2020-09-01 13:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-04 17:50:33 UTC

Chaper 2 (Second Person POV)

It's been year now since you landed in this bland little plane, and the lack of anything worth doing is getting to you. No hot guys to flirt with, no good books to read, magical research facilities so primitive you would have to single handedly make an entire laboratory from the ground up in order to make any sort of progress on your projects. And it's not like you know how to make the instruments you need, not to mention a lot of the magical ores are absent from this plane. On the plus side, you've made some summoning contracts with some of the milder horrors prowling the edges of nearby void planes. When you do get back home, they'll make good presents to smooth over this latest unannounced leave of absence. The worst part, if any part can be said to be worst, is the upcoming wedding.

Luna and Anon have been getting increasingly unbearable to be around, and now they alternate between getting stressed about the wedding and mind-numbingly lovey-dovey with each other. Celestia isn't much better company. She has retreated into formality, offering sincere if shallow congratulations, and drowning herself in paperwork. You suspect that may be part of why she doesn't delegate as much as you have been taught a ruler should. Working through the loneliness is probably such an ingrained habit that she doesn't notice it anymore. Once again, you are unpleasantly reminded of your mother.

As for yourself, you practice your spatial magic in one of the mostly desolate planes and tame your voidborne summons. Does that make you a screwy summon sorceress? You chew on your lip. You hope not, but you've heard stories of elves driven mad on the edge of civilization by the lack of access to the Great Web of Gossip. At least one benefit of being cut off from the mobius rumor mill is that you can wear whatever you want without worrying about how it will impact your reputation. This goes double for the ponies; they merely comment on how glad they are that you are no longer risking overheating. You roll your eyes at the idea that you could be bested by mere heat, but most ponies are genuinely relieved, so you let it pass. Part of you wishes someone, anyone, would actually react to you walking around in lingerie, but so far only Anon glares at you.

Like he is right now, at the quarterly princess meeting. You smirk, jutting your elegant chest out for his "benefit". Luna notices something amiss and pauses in her report on the state of Dreaming.

"Dearest, is something wrong?"

He hisses an answer.

"She's being slutty again!"

Cadance and Luna exchange a glance and roll their eyes. Celestia smirks a little, turning her head slightly so that Anon cannot see her expression. Twilight looks up from her notes.

"Really? She seems sensibly dressed to me."

Anon huffs and resolutely turns away from you.

"Not to me, and not even for where she's from."

Luna frowns.

"She's adapting to Equestrian culture, dearest. Perhaps you could consider following her example a little? I don't like how mares look at your clothes, even if I know it's just your culture."

Anon crosses his arms, not willing to argue against his fiancée, but too stubborn to make such a concession. You nod, your face a perfect mask of concern.

"Your face is quite red, perhaps you should take off your shirt to cool down?"

There is a general murmur of agreement, and Anon actually scrunches. You hadn't thought humans had the necessary anatomy to pull off that expression, but somehow, he manages it. Luna nuzzles his cheek.

"For me?"

At last, he sighs and shucks off his shirt.

"Only because it's you who is asking."

You leer at him.

"Much better."

He glares at you again, and Cadence gives you a flat look.

"El, you've had your fun, stop teasing him."

You adopt a more neutral posture and expression.

"Very well. I believe Luna was reporting on the dream realm?"

Celestial gives you an approving smile, and Luna shrugs.

"Not much more to say, just a slight uptick in nightmares due to a new horror book becoming popular."

Twilight makes a note of that, then straightens in her chair.

"My turn then. With the help of Princess Ellowynelle's expertise,"

You nod graciously in acknowledgement.

"I believe I have found the next crucial step towards finding his home dimension. If we are very careful, we can make a series of time travel loops around the time of Anon's arrival, and get enough readings for a thaumic signature, and maybe even what general direction his home is in."

The human looks interested, but not particularly eager. You can hardly blame him, if you had found a significantly wealthy, powerful, and loving partner here, going home would have a lesser appeal than what otherwise might be. Celestia frowns.

"What happens if something goes wrong?"

Twilight shrugs.

"If we get the sequence wrong, the pressure of a paradox will block any further time travel spells in the vicinity of that event. Worst case scenario is that we only get three readings instead of the scores the plan would allow for."

Celestia looks at you.

"Any other risks you are aware of?"

You shrug.

"I may be biased, having contributed to the plan, but it seems perfectly safe. We'll just be looking through portals, not actually going through. No interference, no anachronisms, should be good."

The princess of the sun nods decisively.

"Then you have my go ahead. Luna?"

She smiles a bit at being included.

"Mine as well. It would be nice to meet the in-laws before hitching to Anon's plow."

All of you stare at the man that shot through the portal, rupturing the spell. He reminds you of a dwarf: burly and short, with calloused hands from his craft. He also swears like a dwarf, so it takes some time for Anon to calm him down and explain things. Seems this Incognito is a sculptor or something and came from a different plane than Anon, but they seem to get along alright. Regardless, he doesn't have much magical potential, so you mentally slot him into the "to be toyed with" category. More interestingly, Cadance detects traces of love magic on him, even if they are rapidly dissipating. Not really useful to you, but interesting nonetheless.

It isn't long before you get bored enough to pay a visit to the newest interplanar castaway. He's in his workshop, chipping away at a block of marble. You lean against the doorframe, arching your back and lifting one leg.

"Would you like some help with that? I have a spell that will turn it into whatever you like."

Incognito doesn't even look up from chiseling.

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

You blink.

"What?"

He grunts.

"Anonymous told me about you. Said you were a huge slut."

You growl. You were looking forward to making a man blush again, but now it's all ruined.

"Of course he did. But you don't really believe him, do you?"

The sculptor snorts.

"I don't need to believe him; I've seen your type before. You care nothing for anyone other than yourself, always taking, never giving. And I want none of that. So once again, I'm not going to have sex with you."

You grit your teeth. He's wrong about you, of course, but the blunt suggestion that he is somehow not interested in you gets under your skin more than you would like to admit.

"Like you would be so lucky. I'm a princess and we have standards, which quite frankly, you don't meet."

With that, you teleport to Twilight's personal library in Canterlot. You select a book at random from her secret stash and settle in for some trashy romance. Your irritation gradually fades as you lose yourself in a world where a stallion surrenders himself to the powerful mare who deigns to love him. At least the literature on this plane is sensible, even if some of its recent inhabitants are not.

A few weeks later, you are eating breakfast in your favorite armored bikini. You look up at the sense of people approaching you. Anon and Incognito stand before you, shirtless and solemn. You quirk an eyebrow.

"Good morning?"

Synchronized, they raise their right arms to the side, their left arms bent, concealing their faces.

"We're not going to have sex with you!"

They say in chorus. Your face is a rictus of rage.

“Shut up! And stop that!"

"Not going to have sex with you!"

Luna, the traitor, is giggling. Celestia strolls in, her mane mussed. She takes one look and shakes her head in amusement.

"It's merely coltish whimsy, Lowyn. Pay them no mind and they'll stop soon enough."

Your eye twitches.

"I'd rather banish them to the void and let them choke on nothingness."

Celestia tuts.

"Now now, I know banishing your problems seems like a good idea, but they have a nasty habit of coming back when it's most inconvenient."

She sits down and thanks a waiter for the pancakes he sets before her. At least her arrival distracts the nuisances; Anon nudges Incognito. The sculptor takes a deep breath and walks to Celestia. She pauses at his approach, fork floating in midair. Incognito licks his lips.

"I am furious."

Celestia's brows draw together in concern.

"I'm sorry, what are you-"

He continues.

"I am furious about how perfect a horse you are."

She blinks.

"Thank... you?"

He clenches his fists.

"Your fur looks so soft and silky, yet no one is petting it."

Celestia is beginning to blush.

"Yes?"

Incognito glares at her.

"You've dedicated so much of your life to everyone else's happiness, thinking nothing of your own."

She smiles sheepishly.

"Well, I do have cake from time to time..."

He shakes his head.

"That's not good enough. You need someone to pet you, and tell you how good you are, and give you smooches, and warm your bed at night."

Celestia's face gets redder and redder as he goes on.

"Are you... volunteering?"

Incognito nods.

"If you'll have me."

Celestia's wings slowly extend, her tail lashing.

"Let us discuss this further... in private."

And then they both vanish in a flash of golden light. Meanwhile, Anon has made his way over to Luna's side, and they are nuzzling again. You banish your breakfast with a thought, your appetite ruined. You teleport once more to Twilight's library and bury yourself in soothing stories.

Chapter 3 (Second Person POV)

It's been two years since you got stranded on this elf-forsaken plane. Both Celestia and Luna are married now, and utterly insufferable to be around. Luna even has a child on the way. Luckily, that has distracted both humans rather thoroughly. Anon is fawning all over Luna, giving her massages and long, loving gazes. Meanwhile, Incognito and Celestia show up late to breakfast every morning, worn out but also glowing in a way that is painful to watch. For you and Twilight, at least.

Speaking of, she has become something of a friend or perhaps an apprentice. Her mind is sharp, and she has a natural intuition about magic that is second only to your own. Because of general...conditions in the palace, you have been spending more and more time in her library. It turns out, she has a second, more secret stash, cunningly hidden in a dimensional pocket, keyed only to her magic signature. You were rather moved they day she keyed your magic signature into the access permissions. Now you can read neighponese yowie dough gin sheets. If you are completely honest, the lack of bulky, muscular stallions is something of a disappointment, but you powered through for the sake of your schlick. The more you read, the more you grow to appreciate these lithe, tender males. Then you find a comic where a mare ruts the gay stallions straight, and you are hooked.

You spend days, locked in your room, filling the air with your personal scent. It's not like you actually have to do anything, so it's fine, right? Right. And this way, you don't have to see the other princesses grossly incandescent with marital bliss. There comes a knocking at the door, Twilight, going by the thaumic signature. With a wave of your hand, you clear the scent and the mess from the room.

"Come in, Twilight."

She complies, tail between her legs and her ears folded back. You frown as she closes the door behind her and starts casting privacy spells.

"What's wrong?"

As the last spell resolves, Twilight licks her lips.

"Do you remember the spell that brought Incognito to Equestria?"

You grimace.

"Of course. What about it?"

Your young friend nervously paws at the floor.

"Cadance determined that the rift is a natural resonance point in time and space for the currents of love in Equestria and a potentially infinite number of other planes."

You raise an eyebrow.

"So?"

Twilight rustles her wings.

"According to Cadance's theory, using time travel spells near it allows for the transfer of highly compatible beings from other planes. Like Anon for Luna and Incognito for Celestia."

You cross your arms.

"That's nice, but it doesn't explain why you are so stressed."

She sighs.

"We tried it again. A woman came out this time."

“Another human?"

The purple princess nods.

"Well, that would do it. Now they can have pure-strain humans instead of halfbreeds. So, do you need my help banishing her or something?"

Twilight looks at you, eyes wide in shock.

"That's not it at all! I'm just worried that I might be a lesbian and not know about it!"

You blink.

"Is that all?"

She frowns.

"I mean, if I ever get into a herd, I'm going to lend a helping hoof if needed, right? That's just being herdsisters. But only having a herdsister? I'm not sure I could do that."

You find your willingness to listen to her woes waning rapidly.

"So, you want to know if you can be a lesbian?"

Twilight chews her lip.

"Essentially."

You shrug.

"Easy enough. I'll summon a succubus for you and an incubus for me."

She leans back in alarm.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? Summoning demons..."

You scoff.

"I have done it for hundreds of years. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

You gesture to the floor and two magic circles appear.

A snap of your fingers grabs twelve eggs from the kitchen and sets them at points on each circle. Twilight has thankfully settled down as she watches you perform magic. It's kinda cute.

"Hear me, Adoraleth, Adonadek. By the life of the neverborn I give you asylum."

The eggs crack, their insides smoldering and smoking, condensing into your favorite infernals. Adoraleth raises her eyebrows at your current room, her gaze lingering on some discarded dough gin sheets laying on the floor. Adonadek smirks at you, hands on his hips.

"Hey Lowyn. Did you gain some weight since last time?"

You are equal parts mortified and furious.

"Shut up, Nads! My figure is perfect as always!"

You suck in your gut a little.

"Any ways, Dora, go help my friend Twilight here figure out if she's a lesbian or not. Nads, the usual."

Twilight is staring at Dora with wide eyes and a light blush. She'll be fine, probably. Nads clears his throat.

"About that. I'm afraid Twilight will have to cover the charge for both of our services. You're out of eggs, Lowyn."

Your blood runs cold.

"That can't be, I should still have around one hundred!"

Adonadek shrugs.

"You summon a lot while drunk."

You sit down heavily on your bed. You still have millennia to go before you die, and now you won't get your bicentennial demonic pick-me-up ever again. Twilight makes that creaky noise she makes when she is trying to not freak out.

"Eggs, as in..."

Dora nods.

"Ovum. Baby batter receptacles. The besieged fortress of fertility. Spunk bucke-"

The mare is getting more and more flustered the more euphemisms are listed.

"I got it! I got it; you take eggs in payment. I'm going to decline your offer; the price is too steep for what I want."

Adoraleth pouts.

"Are you sure? I know all sorts of ways we could have fun together~"

Twilight nods.

"If I'm going to find out about how I feel about Femanon, then I should be talking to her, not summoning demons."

Dora and Nads give you an apologetic smile, then vanish in a puff of sulfur. You try to muster some passion, but your heart is not in it.

"In case you were wondering, demon dick feels amazing."

Twilight looks at you with a measure of pity you rather resent. She used to look at you in awe and with vast respect for your magical knowledge and prowess. Now, she sees a woman worn out and used up by her vices. Unlike many you have met, she sees the real you, with all your flaws and virtues.

You hate it. You teleport away, to your workroom. You have a new purpose, a new project, and it will be amazing. It has to be.

The resource gathering phase was simple enough if somewhat time consuming. Lumber, mushrooms, clay, and a frog are easily acquired in the wilderness outside of Canterlot. Finding a gem with the right length was a little more difficult, but the third mineral wholesaler had what you needed. You are whittling down the emerald when Twilight drops by again.

She sighs. You adjust the gem, rotating it slightly. Not looking up from your work, you attempt a consoling tone.

"I take it she didn't fall madly in love with you?"

"Not me, no. Turns out, Femanon has a passion for childcare and miniature wargames, so she's joining my brother's herd."

You will an absolute edge of mana to carve another facet.

"Huh."

You hear a sniffle. You pause in your work to see Twilight trying not to cry. You smile at her.

"Now you know how I feel. A little relieved because who actually wants to fuck a human? But also really frustrated because of how long it's been since you've had something between your nethers that isn't composed of mana."

She looks shocked at your incredibly accurate read of her emotional state.

"No, I- she could have been my true- I'm a virgin!"

Oh. This poor girl.

"That just makes it worse, doesn't it? I tell you what, once I'm done making this, I'll make one for you too."

Twilight seems to snap out of it, and properly looks at the emerald you are whittling.

"What are you working on?"

You grin, glad to distract her from her virginity and glad to show off.

"This is going to be the core of a boletulus, something like a more elfoid version of a timberwolf."

She frowns.

"Are you making an uncontrollable, intelligent monster that reproduces by gathering debris?"

You roll your eyes.

"I'll be its creator; it will have to listen to me. Not to mention, it doesn't need to be particularly intelligent, I just want something that will ravage me whenever I want and survive in a pocket dimension when I don't need a good, hard dicking."

Twilight blushes at your choice of language, no doubt imagining the possibility of having her own on-demand dicking dispenser golem.

"I think I will stick to inanimate objects for now, cucumbers generally don't go on rampages."

You shrug.

"Suit yourself."

She'll come around sooner or later. You finish cutting the last facet and smooth the surfaces of the emerald. A gesture banishes the shards and gem dust to a random plane nearby. Twilight ends up sitting across your worktable from you.

"Is there a purpose behind the shape?"

You smirk. Gottem. You turn the nearly cylindrical rod of emerald in your fingers.

"Each surface has a corresponding surface on the other side. The are 42 pairs, meaning that only 16% of the mana that enters escapes. And when you add mana like so,"

You flick a mote into the rod and it immediately starts vibrating.

"You get a good, scalable vibrational frequency."

Twilight furrows her brows.

"For a time keeping function?"

You shake your head at her relative innocence. How could a mare who reads that much porn be so clueless?

"This will go in the dick."

She blinks. Then you see the dawn of comprehension in her eyes, complemented nicely by the reddening of her cheeks.

"That's...a good idea? I got to go, you know, update some lists. See you later!"

You wonder if she will try to innovate on what little you've shown her or strike out for virgin territory on her quest for pleasure aids. You can't wait to see what she comes up with.

You take a moment to admire your creation. Pleasant green skin, the color of moss, of life. A bald head, perfect for stroking and occasionally using for a divinatory focus. A bulky, working man's build, strong enough to hold you down even with your best strength enhancements. A long, girthy member to fill you up completely. Now to start it up. You breathe out, infusing your breath with mana. It washes over your boletulus, seeping into its skin, then sucked into its nose with a snort. Your creation opens its red eyes and furrows its brow in confusion.

"Wutz all dis?"

You grin.

"I am your master, Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. I have created you for a great and noble purpose, to pleasure me with your body."

It blinks.

"Nah, you ain't za boss. Too tiny."

It grabs your waist with one large hand and lifts you in the air effortlessly. You are so wet right now.

"That's right! Ram me onto your dick! Assert your dominance!"

It scowls, then presses your face against the door. You can hardly wait.

"Wutz dis?"

...

No.

"I'm your creator! You must do as I say!"

It pulls you back, then bonks your head on the door.

"I said, wot iz dis?"

You slump, horribly blue beaned.

"It's a door. If you go through it, it goes to another place."

Your creation takes a moment to comprehend your revelation. Then it charges right through the door, splintering it. It's trivially easy for your personal protection spells to tank the damage. You consider cutting up your creation and starting over, but you still kind of like being manhandled like this. Your boletulus shoves your face into a vase, dashing it to the ground and shattering the thing.

"Heh heh, good smash."

Perhaps you should have made it a little more intelligent. Or much less.

After spooking a lot of servants, smashing 14 vases, and crashing through 3 walls, your creation meanders into the throne room. Celestia is holding court, Incognito seated in a much less ornate chair by her throne, absently petting her back. Day court comes to a halt as the boletulus stomps up to Celestia and shoves you in her general direction. You speak without prompting.

"Apologies, Princess. This is my boletulus, though I'm afraid it has escaped my control. Boletulus, this is Princess Celestia, the ruler of this land."

Celestia raises her eyebrows at you, while Incognito rolls his eyes.

"I... see. is he your friend, then?"

You glance at the mushroom lifeform and sense its neural hyphea catch up with your introductions. It glares at Celestia and takes a deep breath. Oh shining isles, it's going to yell.

"I'Z DA BIGGEST SO I'Z DA BOSS."

Celestia's mild smile disappears. She slowly stands up from her throne, her fur poofing out, her wings extending completely. The colors of her mane shift to oranges and red and her horn shines with a baleful light. You can feel the heat through all of your environmental enchantments. The Celestia starts bobbing her head in a circular motion like a weirdo. She speaks in her Royal Canterlot Voice.

"I AM BIGGER THAN YOU, STRONGER THAN YOU, AND CAN BURN YOU TO A CINDER WITH A THOUGHT. I AM THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES."

The boletulus salutes with the hand holding you, accidentally flinging you against a pillar.

"Youz da boss! Good fires, boss!"

Celestia nods firmly.

"That's right. Now, what is your name?"

It blinks.

"Uh, dunno, boss."

Celestia sighs.

"Go sit in a corner and try to think of one."

The boletulus salutes again and lumbers over to a corner and scowls at nothing
A servant trots over to whisper to Celestia, who frowns. As you stand up, the sun princess makes her way over to you. Her disapproving look weighs more heavily on your heart than you would care to admit.

"Lowyn, you've been a decent guest, but I cannot allow this. Do not create artificial life while you are on this plane."

You nod contritely.

"You have my word."

She doesn't smile, but her frown eases a bit.

"It has also come to my attention that your experiment has caused some damage to the palace. You will be repairing all of it by yourself."

You nod again.

"I'll have everything fixed within the hour."

Celestia gives you a measuring look.

"By hand. No magic."

You pale.

“But that will take forev-"

Celestia glares.

"It will give you time to reflect in your actions and their consequences."

You hold in a sigh. There's no talking back to mo-Celestia when she is like this.

"I understand."

She doesn't look convinced, but lets it go.

You don't find out the worst part of your punishment until months later, as you finish painting over the last of the repaired walls. A servant gives you a letter from some pony named Fluttershy. She writes about how useful Krork is with helping wrestle large animals for treatment, gushes about how gentle he is when brushing her mane, and thanks you profusely for installing a vibrating function in his dick. She also promises to take responsibility and will be marrying him by the end of the year. She also includes an invitation to the wedding.

You crumple the letter and set it on fire. It's your first time being on this end of things, and now you understand why so many mothers don't like you. You spent hours designing, crafting, and breathing life into a perfect body and a perfect cock, and then some other woman who had no hand in its creation gets to enjoy getting every hole used and vibrated. It is the ultimate cuckoldry, as a wizard and as a woman. You resolve to dedicate more time to leaving this terrible place. You're bound to find a way back to civilization sooner or later.

You hope.

Chapter 4 (Second Person POV)

Three years into your exile, and you think you are finally making progress. You moved your workshop to Manehattan, to distance yourself from all the sickeningly sweet matrimony in Canterlot. You have a small army of mares scrying through the dimensions, yielding some interesting finds. A plane of elemental water, for instance. Now you can drink pure, slightly magically charged water whenever you want. You even found a promisingly open stretch of planes in the direction of the Prime.

One even has elves! Primitive, inbred, and spouting some nonsense about destroying the world to wake the dreamer, but elves! You make a note to come back to them in 50 years or so and reign over them as a wrathful queen goddess. Hopefully, they will have figured out cleaning spells by then. No respectable queen goddess cleans her pleasure slaves herself, after all. You are roused from your idle fantasy by your ward pinging with a familiar thaumic signature. You warp to the door and open it.

“Princess Twilight, it's good to see you again."

Your...friend, maybe best friend shifts nervously. She clears her throat.

"It's good to see you too, Lowyn. Could I come in? I have some news for you."

You raise your eyebrows, but nod. You lead her into one of your favorite sitting rooms where a servant has prepared fresh tea. You sit down and take a cup, and Twilight does the same. For some reason she is looking downward more often than usual. You gesture with your cup to her.

"So, what is this news that has you so nervous?"

She sips her tea to wet her mouth.

"You remember when we summoned Femanon?"

You nod, suppressing a grimace at the memories of that time. Twilight continues, "We've refined the spell some, and well. I believe I summoned my soulmate."

You feel a faint pang in your heart, but you smile at her.

"Congratulations! I must confess, I am rather curious what they are like. Will I be meeting them soon?"

Your friend ruffles her wings.

"There's more. He's, well, an elf."

You feel like you are struck by lightning without wards. You surge to your feet, your tea spilling.

"Is he from the Prime? Does he have a way back?"

Twilight leans back in surprise, then laughs weakly.

"He is from the Prime, but he's as stuck as you are."

You drift back to your seat, heart light with relief. An actual civilized elf! Then a thought occurs to you. Twilight wouldn't be this nervous if she was just letting you know she got a boyfriend. You swallow. You look into her eyes.

"Are you here to invite me to herd with you?"

If he is good enough to be her soulmate, he can't be too bad. Twilight looks a little sick at the thought.

"No! That's, I mean you and he..."

Some of the hurt you are feeling must have shown on your face, because she climbs into the chair with you and wraps a wing around your back.

"I would never ask you to herd with your brother. It wouldn't be right."

You blink.

"My what?"

A figure erupts from Twilight's shadow. Despite that nostalgic signature, you throw a firebolt at it. Lellmaeo snuffs it out with his hand and grins.

"It's good to see you too, sister!"

You try to scowl at him, the idiot is still wearing his skimpy drow costume, but it's no use. You practically tackle him and cling to him with all your strength as sobs escape your throat. You feel him tense.

"Woah, there there. Um."

You sniffle, the cosmetic enchantment banishing your tears and snot as you hold onto an achingly familiar piece of home. Your brother hesitantly wraps you in a loose embrace and rubs your back. You breathe deep, inhaling the scent of mushrooms and artfully musky male elf scent. Then you feel yourself melt down there, and you hurriedly push yourself away from him. You stare at his bewildered expression and blush at losing your dignity to such a degree.

"It is good to see you, Maeo."

He smooths down his husbandbeaten top awkwardly.

"I take it you've had a hard time out here? I haven't seen too much of the plane, but it seems... minimalistic."

You glance at Twilight, who is rolling her eyes at your brother.

"Let's just say I've had more than a few setbacks. At least I've been able to make a friend."

Lellmaeo sits down in a spare chair.

"You too, huh? I guess the curse did affect the whole family."

You blink.

"We've been cursed?"

Maeo shrugs.

"Remember four or five years ago, when Father made an eclipse because he was hungover? Turns out Lumena, Goddess of Light, took offense to that."

You facepalm.

"Dad..."

Your brother chuckles.

"Yeah, so our family was cursed with bad luck. Then she sent some human archmage as her champion, who promptly seduced Father's advisors and deposed him. Last I heard, he is living in exile with an orc mistress."

You can't help but laugh.

"Dad, of all people, race mixing?"

Lellmaeo shrugs.

"He didn't have much of a choice, at least at first. By the time the binding on his magic wore off, he didn't want to leave what's her name."

Twilight pales.

"That's horrible! I am so sorry for your family!"

You exchange a glance with your brother.

"It's not so bad, Twilight. If dad really didn't want to be an orc's sex slave, he'd just kill her. At least it's easier on the royal funds than a drow mistress."

Lellmaeo blushes. Twilight stares at him.

"...do I want to know?"

He smiles sheepishly.

"We never did anything, since she was there for Father, but she showed me some training exercises and gave me a few books."

Twilight glances at you. You smirk.

"It was rather cute, like a duckling following a dragon. Glamour your fur black and your mane white and he'll be putty in your hooves."

Twilight looks at Lellmaeo thoughtfully.

"I'll have to try that."

His blush deepens. You blink.

"What about mom?"

Maeo takes a deep breath.

"Well, when the Champion of Lumena deposed Father, he sorta...took her as his chief concubine."

He visibly braces for your reaction.You frown.

"Is she...happy?"

Lellmaeo looks at you in surprise.

"Uh, yes, actually."

You stare at him.

"She actually said that?"

He shrugs.

"Apparently, every night is like a sleepover with the other concubines, the human cuddles after...and uh, he has a big d-"

You clap your hands over your ears.

"Enough! I really don't need to know about that. At least she is happy."

Maeo laughs, and Twilight is smiling. You let out a weary chuckle.

"So when are you two getting married or whatever?"

Your brother looks at Twilight. She puffs up her tuft and looks you straight in the eyes.

"As the oldest reachable mare in his family, I am asking you for his hand in marriage."

Oh, right. You straighten up and assume a stern expression.

"Do you promise to take care of him when he is being an idiot, and to cherish him despite his weird fetishes and obsession with drow culture?"

Maeo squawks in protest, but Twilight nods gravely.

"I swear by my horn and heart, I will rein him in when needed and I always wanted a big testes goth coltfriend."

You lay a firm hand on her withers.

"Then I grant you my blessing to marry him, just don't come running to me about your sex life."

Twilight hugs you, nuzzling against your cheek.

"Thank you, this means a lot to me."

You give her a quick hug, then let her go.

"You're welcome."

Lellmaeo smiles fondly at you.

"The rural life agrees with you, sister. You are far more relaxed than I have ever seen you."

You shrug.

"It's not all bad out here. Once I find a way back, I think I will live here semi-permanently, just to escape the public eye if nothing else."

In the following month, you met with Cadance a few times, memorizing the spell matrix for summoning a soulmate from across the planes. You find it fascinating, the way it slips in and out of the four dimensions, incorporating familiar and utterly alien components. At long last, you are ready. You prepare an isolated room with cushions, snacks, alcohol of various types, and three different flavors of ice cream in a cold enchanted box. You open a portal to the patch of forest and cast the spell. At once, a roiling rift of pink plasma opens in the air, and you see shadows of countless figures flicker around it.

You stare anxiously for something, anything, to appear. Nothing. Not for the next five minutes, or the ten after that. You retreat to a luxurious chair and start sipping a wine that is half as old as you are.

An hour later, you have started in on the snacks, only keeping the rift in the corner of your eye. Three hours after that, the sun is beginning to set, and nothing has come out of the rift for you. You refuse to name the fear in your heart. When the moon rises, you haven't fully given up, but you are eating ice cream and reading neighponese comics by the pink light of the rift.

You wake up the next morning, not remembering when you fell asleep. You look around to find yourself completely alone, the rift and portal having closed when you lost consciousness. Your heart sinks. Across a nearly infinite number of planes, is there not one soul to complement yours? Are you still cursed, even though everyone else in your family has found happiness? Are you completely unlovable? Something inside you breaks.

You fall back on a cushion and tremble as tears are banished by your cosmetic enchantment. In a fit of pique, you dispel the enchantment. The warm, wet feeling of tears streaming down your face is oddly satisfying. You conjure a mirror and stare at it. You turn your head to the right and the left, admiring the glistening trails on your face. You are objectively beautiful; of that you are absolutely sure.

"I am beautiful. I have friends and family that care for me. I am powerful. I am brilliant. I am sexy."

Even as you say the words, they are as hollow as they are true. You dismiss the mirror, suddenly sick of seeing your face. You lay back on the cushion and close your eyes.

That is how Lellmaeo and Twilight find you an hour later. Your brother zaps you with a sobering spell, which does almost nothing except make you sigh. Twilight looks at you in concern.

"I know you don't really deal well with seeing other ponies happy, but we still would love to see you at our wedding. You mean a lot to us, Lowyn."

Maeo nods seriously.

"We really need someone to spike the punch and harass the waitstaff, and you're the best woman for the job. Come on, put those years of apprenticeship under uncle Mordy to use."

You chuckle at that and slowly get up. You banish whatever residue accumulated on your skin overnight and summon your bridesmaid dress directly onto your body.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go."

You put on a smile that has a smidgeon of sincere emotion behind it. Twilight and Maeo exchange a glance, then give you a big hug. You sigh again, but with less ennui. When they let go, you give them a genuine smile, then teleport the three of you to the venue. The sooner you are done with this, the better.

After walking your brother down the aisle, the ceremony was pleasant, if boring. At the reception, you make sure to avoid the humans and your sto- liberated creation. For their part, they are happy to do the same, starting an arm and/or hoof wrestling tournament off to the side. Celestia is the first to come your way, her face a careful mask in front of all the nobility mingling around.

"I do believe this is the first Equestrian wedding you have attended. What do you think so far?"

Is that a hint of censure? It's impossible to tell, Celestia has too much practice in statecraft. You smile faintly.

"Every bit as tedious as elven ceremonies, though less ornate."

Celestia nods.

"...It's good to see you being social again. I had worried...well, perhaps we can meet for tea sometime and catch up."

You smile fondly at the old mare. She is far too much like your mother for her own good. You put a hand on her withers.

"I would like that. Maybe sometime next week? I'll have my secretary meet with yours."

Celestia looks at you in surprise, then with a subtle undercurrent of joy.

"I'm looking forward to it."

At that moment, you hear splintering wood, and Celestia sighs.

"I should go and tend to my husband's bruised hand and ego. See you next week."

You give her a pat on the neck.

"Until then. Good luck."

Moving on, you find Luna watching Krork suspiciously as Anon steps to the newly repaired table. You sidle up to her.

"There's no shame in losing to a golem in a test of strength."

Luna snorts.

"I am aware. But I suspect Krork is taunting them."

You nod.

"I have noticed humans can be... easily provoked."

She sighs.

"I suppose that is the price I pay for a husband so eager in the bedroom."

You'd rather she not expand on that sentiment, so you subtly lead her to the refreshments, which just so happens to have a punch bowl. You look at Luna with a gleam in your eye.

"Shall we see how refreshing the offerings truly are?"

You subtly flash a vial of 150 proof rum in the palm of your hand. Luna smirks, producing a hip flask from the pit of her wing. You cast an illusion to obscure your movements and pour your contribution into the bowl while Luna does the same with her booze. You take the ladle and stir the punch. Luna coughs.

"Sister is coming this way, act natural."

You drop the illusion and banish the vial. You idly wonder if the debris you scatter to random planes will seed them with life. Maybe you should do so more deliberately, so that future generations will benefit from more interesting wildlife to harvest. By the time you decide it would be too much trouble, Celestia is eyeing you and Luna with suspicion from across the table.

"Having fun?"

You are so glad your cosmetic enchantment banishes your nervous sweat.

"So far. Have you tried the cake?"

Luna snorts. Celestia shoots her a look.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I would definitely recommend it."

Then Celestia picks up the ladle with her magic and pours the punch into her cup. Luna's legs are tensed to run, and you can practically taste the charge running under the surface of her horn. You aren't much better; you have your teleportation spell primed and ready. Celestia takes a sip and her eyebrows rise.

"This is quite good."

Then she winks at you and strolls away. You let out a long, slow breath as the adrenaline drains from your body. Luna chuckles ruefully.

"I'll get her next time."

You pat her neck.

“I'll be rooting for you."

The reception is markedly more enjoyable with most of the guests stumbling around drunkenly. Twilight and Maeo give you a grateful wave as they slip out in the confusion. You decide to follow their lead and head out. Canterlot at night is fairly pleasant, and you take a moment or two to admire Luna's work. If you are being quite honest with yourself, that wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

But when you lower your eyes from the night sky, you still feel that emptiness in your heart. Your eyes fall on a bar called "Rolls and Barrels" and you go inside to check it out. True to the name, the scent of alcohol and baked goods suffuses the barroom. As you walk inside, you vaguely recognize an earthpony stallion at the bar. You think you remember him from one of the families of Twilght's friends.

Compared to the rest of the bar, this island of familiarity felt a little more comfortable, so you sit by him and order a scotch whiskey. He glances at you as the bartender places the glass in front of you. You make a small gesture and reach into a rift to drop two ice cubes of elemental water into your drink. Gratifyingly, the stallion is visibly impressed. You smirk at him.

"I am Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. Who might you be?"

He blushes and looks down at his martini.

"I am Caramel, your royal highness. I make confections in Ponyville."

Looking at him, he's not that bad. Lithe around the barrel, with a candy-maker’s thick thighs. Stars, all those dough gin sheets have warped your tastes in males.
Fuck it. You don't have a soulmate, so there's nothing wrong with playing around a little.

"A sweet name for a sweet stallion. Do you like seeing magic?"

He looks at you sidelong, trying to be coy.

"I may be an earthpony, but I live close enough to Canterlot that ordinary spells won't impress me."

You grin and spin a spell circle in the air and blow into it. Your breath is converted into a swarm of multicolored glowing butterflies, swirling around him, and settling on his face before dissolving into motes of light. When the last fades, he stares at you in wonder.

"That was beautiful, I've never seen magic like that before!"

You preen a little at the compliment.

"Thank you, I composed the spell myself."

Caramel shifts a little on his stool.

"I'd love to see more, if you have the time."

You knock back your whiskey and stand up.

"Come on, I can't show you my best spells indoors."

As you lay on the grass beside Caramel, you set the sparks to gently rain down on the two of you. It's a nice break from the gouts of fire and shards of ice you were throwing around artfully, not to mention your other flashier spells. Caramel sighs happily.

"I don't think I'll ever forget this night. "

You wonder if he'd let you squeeze his butt now. He licks his lips.

"I don't think I told you why I like seeing spells like this, did I?"

You blink and try to pay attention.

“No, you haven't."

"Mom left when I was born, and Dad had to hire a babysitter for me while he worked. He was a unicorn, and he would practice spells while he babysat me. Little things like making my teddy bear dance or writing my name in glowing lines."

Caramel smiles fondly, staring into the night sky.

"He once spent an entire month working on a spell to make shadow puppets perform my bedtime story."

Then Caramel sighs.

"And when I turned ten, his family moved back to Canterlot. Dad said I was old enough to take care of myself, and I was. But that didn't make home any less lonely."

You reach over and hold his forehoof. You say, "I know a little of what that was like. My parents were too busy ruling the kingdom to take care of me when I was young, so I was raised by the servants until Uncle Mordy took me on as his apprentice. Maybe that's why..."

Why you are too broken to have a soulmate. Caramel turns to you and squeezes your hand with his hoof-grabby-field.

"I think we turned out alright. I'm a successful business stallion,"

“And I'm stranded far from home because I got drunk while showing off."

He reaches over and boops your nose.

"And you're the personal friend of the princesses, not to mention your thriving divination business. You should be proud of yourself."

You blink.

“I should be proud of myself, shouldn't I."

Caramel nods firmly. You smile at him and rub your thumb over the soft flesh of his hoof
He shivers, and not from the cold of night. You turn over and put your hands on either side of his head. He stares up at you, blushing demurely. You lean down and kiss his lips, long buried hopes and emotions rising like a tide within you. He tastes sweet, his clever tongue brazenly meeting yours for a passionate dance. You place a hand on his firm barrel, feeling his warmth and his racing heartbeat as he loses himself in the kiss. Eventually, you break the kiss and lean down to whisper in his ear.

"Shall I teleport you to my place? I have all sorts of spells I just know you want to...experience."

Something bumps against your elbow. You glance down to see he is out of his sheath. Caramel whimpers longingly.

"Take me."

You grin and teleport the two of you directly to your bed. You're going to have fun

You wake up the next morning sticky all over, sore in a pleasant sort of way that you have missed these three long years. You glance over at your bedmate and give him a kiss on the nose. He scrunches in his sleep but doesn't stir. Adorable.

You really wore him out, didn't you? You gracefully shuffle out of bed and clean the worst of it off your body with a simple spell. Then you conjure hot, lavender scented water into the wide tub and ease yourself in. You feel at one with the heat, utterly relaxed, practically melting. Then a ward pings, and you wave to let the auditory projection through.

"Good Morning, Cadence. I trust the wedding wrapped up well?"

"No thanks to you."

You can hear the amusement in her voice. She continues,

"Speaking of which, I had wanted to talk to you. I noticed you cast the Amore Infinitum spell last night, but you came to the wedding without a date. Why didn't you bring your destined mate?"

You groan and sink a little deeper in the water.

"Didn't work."

"...The spell fizzled?"

You sigh.

"No, it did everything it was supposed to do, except fetch me someone to love from across the multiverse. Apparently, I don't have a soulmate."

"Lowyn, what are you talking about? If no one came through the rift, that just means your mate is on this plane. Besides, I can feel your bond from here, you already consummated with your destiny."

What-

That-

You actually-

You start trembling, your mind whirling at the revelation.

"Lowyn? Are you alright?"

You laugh shakily.

"I met him in a bar. My soulmate."

"Well, that's how about half of ponies do it nowadays, yes. You should bring him over to the palace, I'm sure the girls and I would love to see you two together."

You rub your face.

"Sure, sure, I'll see you later. And thanks, Cadance. I...had sort of lost hope."

"You are more than welcome. There's nothing better than helping my friends and family find love."

The projection dissipates, and you lay your head back. A few minutes later, you hear the clopping of hooves on tiles.

"Mind if I join you?"

You wave absently, and feel the waters rise as Caramel slides into the bath. You raise your head to look at him, memorizing his contented face. You won't have as much time to spend looking for a way back home, but that's alright. You have a perfectly good home right here, with all you have ever truly wanted.

Chapter 1 (First Person POV)

I am Princess Ellowynelle, stranded on a lesser plane after a crazy night of flexing on some human mages. The barbarians didn't even know how to summon a wine elemental. Things get a little hazy after that demonstration. I would think that I would have picked a nice, civilized plane to portal to, even when affected by strong spirits. But no, drunk me decided to go so far down from the Prime Material that there are no elves, or even portal shunting areas. So I ended up flying like a servant out of an enchanted or perhaps cursed forest. Spying the only place worthy of my dignity, I teleport to what I find out is the local princess's balcony. Say what you will about these uplifted unicorn creatures, but they have a perfectly regal and accommodating royal.

Princess Celestia herself shows me to an adequately decorated room, and has a servant prepare an unfamiliar, yet fragrant tea. I had worried that she would have difficulty understanding my situation, but that was not the case, exactly.

"Ah, another traveler from another world. Are you human as well?"

I blink. My instincts from courtly intrigue tell me that she means no insult, despite her words. This really is a backwater plane.

"No, I am an elf. We live much longer, are more magically potent, and generally superior to humans."

Princess Celestia looks surprised.

"How much longer, would you say?"

What an odd question.

"They wither away in a century, maybe two if they are lucky and magically inclined. I will most likely see two millennia pass by before I go to the Shining Isles."

Princess Celestia brightens at that. Literally, her fur coat begins emitting a faint glow.

"It will be good to have some new company for the centuries, then. Assuming, of course, that you don't find your way home by then."

In that moment, she reminds me uncomfortably of my mother when I returned to the palace after a 50 year apprenticeship under my uncle Archmage Mord Ih'Kai. Desperately eager for my company, yet resigned to how fleeting our time together may be. I attempt a sincere smile.

"I'm sure once I find a way back, I'll visit from time to time. We princesses have to stick together."

Princess Celestia relaxes the tiniest bit, and I feel a little guilty about probably lying just now. Ugh, maybe I will make it a truth eventually. Regardless, there are more important things to worry about.

"Speaking of royalty, will I have to worry about meeting the King or Queen? Or regent, perhaps?"

Princess Celestia sighs, and I sense this is a question she has answered far too many times.

"I'd like to say that you are already meeting with the regent, but it's unlikely that my sister or I shall have the opportunity to step aside for another. I took the title "princess" in hopes that my little ponies would choose their own ruler, or perhaps as a signal that they are collectively the Queen over me. Instead they just praised my humility and gave me more power than I ever wanted."

I am somewhat unfamiliar with the concept of "more power than I wanted", but I put on a sympathetic expression.

"At least they can't argue as much when you choose to delegate?"

Princess Celestia huffs.

"To my face, they don't."

Ah.

She shakes her head to banish her growing foul mood.

"I'm afraid we've gotten off track. I'll have my top magic researchers assist you in any way they can, of course, but given how little progress they've had with getting Anon to his home world, I suspect their coordination will be more valuable than their expertise."

I tilt my head forward slightly to acknowledge the point.

"That may be, but magic practitioners can vary greatly among the myriad planes. I may yet learn something from them."

She takes a sip from her teacup, eyeing me speculatively.

"Could I ask a favor of you?"

I raise an eyebrow.

"You may ask."

Celestia sets the cup down without a sound, a small frown forming on her mouth.

"Anon has isolated himself, ever since he arrived. Not going to slumber parties, throwing away the monthly spa pass, just working at his forge all the time. While you are here, could you check on him from time to time, maybe see what is wrong with him? Since you have more experience with humans, perhaps you'll have more success than me or my little ponies."

And now the resemblance is uncanny

”El, could you talk to your brother? He's been reading Drow philosophy books again, and the servants report the smell of sulfur coming from his room. It's only a phase, but he's going to be utterly unmanageable for the next decade if you don't talk some sense into him.”

I repress a sigh at the memory and bow my head slightly.

"I'll see what I can do."

It's not like I have to actually do anything, according to this oral agreement.

As it happened, the researchers are worse than useless. They think the multiverse is arrayed like a sea of bubbles, rather than the infinite strata of segmented membranes radiating from the Prime. And they completely lose focus when a stallion servant walks in with a tray of snacks. At least the pastries are good here; they are seasoned with a nice, subtle flavoring. After an entirely wasted hour of trying to teach the basics of interdimensional physics, I pretend to be exhausted from my ordeal and excuse myself. Rather, I am more restless than anything.

I wander the streets of Canterlot, taking in the rustic charm of the city. All these little three-story mansionettes, winged servant ponies flitting about with packages and ornamental armor. Everyone around me trying to be discreet about gazing in wonder at my perfect figure. And nothing fun to do anywhere. After patronizing the third barely acceptable tea shop, I am quite done with this plane. I fly up to a handy rooftop and meditate, casting lines of magic through the local membrane, sending a spark of awareness along each one.

I’m not surprised to find that I don't recognize any of the neighboring planes, but what is surprising is that so many above and around are nearly empty voids. The few that have significant thaumic readings also are riddled large dead areas. It's as if something very large had grazed on the thaumic field. That complicates things. I won't be able to merely face due Prime and jump, I'll have to map out the voids and thread my way through this tattered patch of the multiverse until I get out of the damaged area. It's going to be like navigating a three-dimensional maze while only being able to see a foot in front of me.

...

This sounds like a problem for future El. Besides, I have to pee.

I cast the sanitizing spell a second time on my room's bathroom, and cancel the silencing spell from when I was relieving myself. I may have to apologize to Mother when I get back, I did end up using spells from the Standardized Maid Spellbook. To be fair to my past self, there is no way I could have known I would end up in such a humble, backwards plane. I flop onto the bed and stare at the gilded ceiling. A decade or three of this. I allow myself one sigh, then I stand with a firmness of purpose. I am going to do what I always do when I am bored and restless.

I find Anon readily enough, the ponies are all too happy to direct me to the unusual smith. On the outskirts of the city, the shop is built with rough slabs of granite and a lighter grey mortar. Smoke drifts in a lazy column from the back of the shop. The door is closed and presumably locked, considering the "closed" sign. Not that it will stop me. I teleport inside and look around. Swords, spears, and hammers hang from the wall, with little paper price tags on loops of twine. It's all terribly rough and primitive, a perfect reflection of their maker. I smirk at the imagined slight.

"Looking to protect yourself or deal some damage?"

I turn my head sharply to find the human leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. I sniff.

"I can do that just fine on my own. I am Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. And you are?"

I wonder how badly he will mangle his etiquette.

"Anonymous. I don't claim to be the best blacksmith in Canterlot—, Yore Land's got that honor. The mare's steel is legendary. All I ask is a fair chance."

I narrow my eyes at him. Every instinct is telling me he's making fun of me, but I don't know in what way.

"For the last time, I'm not interested in whatever passes for blacksmithing around here-"

"Got some good pieces out here, if you're looking to buy. More inside."

I scowl at him.

"You done?"

He grins.

"Need something?"

The only thing keeping me from burning this place to the ground is my desire to stay on good terms with Princess Celestia. And the only thing keeping me from teleporting or otherwise storming out is the knowledge that it’s exactly what he wants. Thankfully, magic has a solution, like it always does. I cast a simple truth-compelling spell on him, the bolt of silvery light getting a satisfyingly alarmed reaction out of him. It will wear off within the hour, less if he has any sort of magical training.

"Wha-"

"Are you alright, Anonymous?"

He scowls.

"I'm pretty worried about whatever spell you threw at me, but otherwise I feel fine."

The human blinks, obviously unpleasantly surprised at being compelled into honesty. I smirk.

"It seems your friends are worried that you aren't taking enough time off for yourself. Why is that?"

He clenches his jaw, and I can feel the spell strain under his willpower. Admirable, for one of such a lowly race.

"Should they be worried, yes or no?"

He nearly spits his answer out.

"No."

I wave my hand, dismissing the tattered remnants of the spell.

"Good enough. Maybe talk to your friends more, and we won't have to do this again. Goodbye, human."

And then I teleport back to my room to giggle endlessly. Oh, how I miss being able to toy with people like that. No thaumic oversight to abide by for my public image, the freedom is nearly worth being on such a backwater plane. Nearly.

Six months later, and I am getting severely irritated. Finding a path back to the Prime is proving to be far more difficult than I expected. It seems a chaos spirit ran wild here a few times, and that is playing havoc with the membrane boundaries. Any given membrane has at least six different planes it borders instead of the usual one, with irregular cycles that I have yet to find the pattern to. So I am taking a break, hanging out with Celestia's sister. Who also reminds me of family, but uncle Mord Ih'Kai this time. Luna takes a swig of milk, waving a half-eaten chocolate donut in her forehoof.

"Those legs, it's enough to turn a mare to sin!"

I nod along, feeling nostalgic as I half-listen to the lustful ranting.

"Begging for it, practically."

Luna snorts.

"World's too soft, practically rotten. Used to be, I could pay his guardians his groom's price, and ride a stallion until sunrise. Now..."

I swallow the bite of my bovarian cream. Say what you will about the rest of the plane, but the food here is pretty good, provided you don't eat the stuff with hay in it.

"Now you can't even slap an ass without getting reprimanded."

Luna nods gloomily. I’m not much happier, Celestia lectured me for hours on being respectful to stallions, though I still don't understand why that would be. It doesn't help that I’m not getting the looks I used to. There are still some ponies that haven't seen anything like me before, but they are getting rarer and more obviously curious, rather than awed. I’m not used to being ignored like this. Oh, hold on, Luna is ranting again.

"I looked, he doesn't even have ball bras!"

That is kind of odd.

"The slut!"

Ball bra enchantments are actually pretty intricate, I often find myself trying to figure out the specific variation of the array, to the disgust of the stallion. Luna growls.

"Stars have mercy on him..."

She stills, memories of her exile haunting her eyes. She whispers,

"Stars have mercy on me..."

The chocolate donut crumbles in the grasp of her hoof.

"But Anon will be mine, or he will burn!"

Hold on.

"Anon? As in, Anonymous?"

Luna comes down from her throes of passion.

"Yes, him! Haven't you been listening?"

She actually looks a little hurt, and I feel that weird para-familial guilt again.

"Sorry, I just didn't catch when you first mentioned his name. But it makes sense that he doesn't wear a ball bra, that's a piece of clothing local to this plane."

Luna accepts my apology easily enough, wiping the crumbs from her hoof on a napkin.

"Then you will help me woo the tempter, won't you?"

I resist the urge to groan. How does Luna even have that same terrible taste in romantic prospects?

"A mare like you has much better options than some sooty, sweaty ape."

She bites her lip.

"Mmm, sweaty, dirty Anon..."

I don't know why I even try.

"Let's get this over with."

Anon pours the iron into the cast, then sets his tools aside.

"What can I do for you, your honors?"

I snarl,

"Your majesties."

He shakes his head.

"I'm just a humble blacksmith, not a royal."

Luna's tuft is fluffing in a way that tells me her brain is running from the secondary control room in her ovaries. She licks her lips.

"I could make you a royal, if we had foals, because consorts are honorary-"

Anon raises his eyebrows at her.

"Are you seriously proposing to me?"

Luna tries to smile confidently, but she is too busy being worried and glancing at the crotch of his pants. I roll my eyes.

"She's mostly in it for your body."

Luna blushes, but nods.

"I like long legs, I cannot deny."

Anon rubs his chin.

"How about friends with benefits? I am rather curious what it's like to fuck a princess."

Luna's wings extend instantly, smacking into my face. I rub the impact site and scowl at her. Credit to Luna, Mord never got this far with a woman, though humans are notoriously promiscuous, so it's not as surprising. My best friend on the plane gives me an apologetic smile.

"Sorry about that, Lowyn. But now we are sexfriends with a hot stallion!"

I tilt my head.

"We are?"

Luna looks at my face, then Anon's.

"He just offered, not a minute ago."

Anon opens his mouth in realization.

"You were asking for the two of you? I just thought... well. Do I have to include the knife-ears in this?"

I bristle.

"Have to? You ought to be in rapture of the idea of earning my slightest affection. Fortunately for you, you don't have to worry about proving yourself worthy of me, since I refuse to so much as touch you!"

He scoffs.

"Who'd want to touch a skinny, flat-chested bitch with more bile than blood?"

The air around me crackles with my arcane fury.

"Just because your pitiful human eyes can't see-"

"ENOUGH!"

Luna's roar reverberates in the smithy, tools and weapons rattling on their hooks and in their drawers. And there's the archmage side of my uncle, reflected in Luna. She is projecting mana into the air at a nearly suffocating density. I reflexively abandon all spellshaping I was doing. Anon merely pales. Luna glares at me, Anon, and back at me.

"So it's fine. Neither of you is interested in the other. Lowyn, how about you go back, and Anon and I will talk."

I press my lips together in a flat line.

"Fine."

Luna eases off the pressure, and I teleport back to my room in a huff.

Fucking humans.

Chapter 2 (First Person POV)

It's been year now since I landed in this bland little plane, and the lack of anything worth doing is getting to me. No hot guys to flirt with, no good books to read, magical research facilities so primitive I would have to single handedly make an entire laboratory from the ground up in order to make any sort of progress on my projects. And it's not like I know how to make the instruments I need, not to mention a lot of the magical ores are absent from this plane. On the plus side, I've made some summoning contracts with some of the milder horrors prowling the edges of nearby void planes. When I do get back home, they'll make good presents to smooth over this latest unannounced leave of absence. The worst part, if any part can be said to be worst, is the upcoming wedding.

Luna and Anon have been getting increasingly unbearable to be around, and now they alternate between getting stressed about the wedding and mind-numbingly lovey-dovey with each other. Celestia isn't much better company. She has retreated into formality, offering sincere if shallow congratulations, and drowning herself in paperwork. I suspect that may be part of why she doesn't delegate as much as I have been taught a ruler should. Working through the loneliness is probably such an ingrained habit that she doesn't notice it anymore. Once again, I am unpleasantly reminded of my mother.

As for myself, I practice my spatial magic in one of the mostly desolate planes and tame my voidborne summons. Does that make me a screwy summon sorceress? I chew on my lip. I hope not, but I've heard stories of elves driven mad on the edge of civilization by the lack of access to the Great Web of Gossip. At least one benefit of being cut off from the mobius rumor mill is that I can wear whatever I want without worrying about how it will impact my reputation. This goes double for the ponies; they merely comment on how glad they are that I am no longer risking overheating. I roll my eyes at the idea that I could be bested by mere heat, but most ponies are genuinely relieved, so I let it pass. Part of me wishes someone, anyone, would actually react to me walking around in lingerie, but so far only Anon glares at me.

Like he is right now, at the quarterly princess meeting. I smirk, jutting my elegant chest out for his "benefit". Luna notices something amiss and pauses in her report on the state of Dreaming.

"Dearest, is something wrong?"

He hisses an answer.

"She's being slutty again!"

Cadance and Luna exchange a glance and roll their eyes. Celestia smirks a little, turning her head slightly so that Anon cannot see her expression. Twilight looks up from her notes.

"Really? She seems sensibly dressed to me."

Anon huffs and resolutely turns away from me.

"Not to me, and not even for where she's from."

Luna frowns.

"She's adapting to Equestrian culture, dearest. Perhaps you could consider following her example a little? I don't like how mares look at your clothes, even if I know it's just your culture."

Anon crosses his arms, not willing to argue against his fiancée, but too stubborn to make such a concession. I nod, my face a perfect mask of concern.

"Your face is quite red, perhaps you should take off your shirt to cool down?"

There is a general murmur of agreement, and Anon actually scrunches. I hadn't thought humans had the necessary anatomy to pull off that expression, but somehow, he manages it. Luna nuzzles his cheek.

"For me?"

At last, he sighs and shucks off his shirt.

"Only because it's you who is asking."

I leer at him.

"Much better."

He glares at me again, and Cadence gives me a flat look.

"El, you've had your fun, stop teasing him."

I adopt a more neutral posture and expression.

"Very well. I believe Luna was reporting on the dream realm?"

Celestial gives me an approving smile, and Luna shrugs.

"Not much more to say, just a slight uptick in nightmares due to a new horror book becoming popular."

Twilight makes a note of that, then straightens in her chair.

"My turn then. With the help of Princess Ellowynelle's expertise,"

I nod graciously in acknowledgement.

"I believe I have found the next crucial step towards finding his home dimension. If we are very careful, we can make a series of time travel loops around the time of Anon's arrival, and get enough readings for a thaumic signature, and maybe even what general direction his home is in."

The human looks interested, but not particularly eager. I can hardly blame him, if I had found a significantly wealthy, powerful, and loving partner here, going home would have a lesser appeal than what otherwise might be. Celestia frowns.

"What happens if something goes wrong?"

Twilight shrugs.

"If we get the sequence wrong, the pressure of a paradox will block any further time travel spells in the vicinity of that event. Worst case scenario is that we only get three readings instead of the scores the plan would allow for."

Celestia looks at me.

"Any other risks you are aware of?"

I shrug.

"I may be biased, having contributed to the plan, but it seems perfectly safe. We'll just be looking through portals, not actually going through. No interference, no anachronisms, should be good."

The princess of the sun nods decisively.

"Then you have my go ahead. Luna?"

She smiles a bit at being included.

"Mine as well. It would be nice to meet the in-laws before hitching to Anon's plow."

All of us stare at the man that shot through the portal, rupturing the spell. He reminds me of a dwarf: burly and short, with calloused hands from his craft. He also swears like a dwarf, so it takes some time for Anon to calm him down and explain things. Seems this Incognito is a sculptor or something and came from a different plane than Anon, but they seem to get along alright. Regardless, he doesn't have much magical potential, so I mentally slot him into the "to be toyed with" category. More interestingly, Cadance detects traces of love magic on him, even if they are rapidly dissipating. Not really useful to me, but interesting nonetheless.

It isn't long before I get bored enough to pay a visit to the newest interplanar castaway. He's in his workshop, chipping away at a block of marble. I lean against the doorframe, arching my back and lifting one leg.

"Would you like some help with that? I have a spell that will turn it into whatever you like."

Incognito doesn't even look up from chiseling.

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

I blink.

"What?"

He grunts.

"Anonymous told me about you. Said you were a huge slut."

I growl. I were looking forward to making a man blush again, but now it's all ruined.

"Of course he did. But you don't really believe him, do you?"

The sculptor snorts.

"I don't need to believe him; I've seen your type before. You care nothing for anyone other than yourself, always taking, never giving. And I want none of that. So once again, I'm not going to have sex with you."

I grit my teeth. He's wrong about me, of course, but the blunt suggestion that he is somehow not interested in me gets under my skin more than I would like to admit.

"Like you would be so lucky. I'm a princess and we have standards, which quite frankly, you don't meet."

With that, I teleport to Twilight's personal library in Canterlot. I select a book at random from her secret stash and settle in for some trashy romance. My irritation gradually fades as I lose myself in a world where a stallion surrenders himself to the powerful mare who deigns to love him. At least the literature on this plane is sensible, even if some of its recent inhabitants are not.

A few weeks later, I am eating breakfast in my favorite armored bikini. I look up at the sense of people approaching me. Anon and Incognito stand before me, shirtless and solemn. I quirk an eyebrow.

"Good morning?"

Synchronized, they raise their right arms to the side, their left arms bent, concealing their faces.

"We're not going to have sex with you!"

They say in chorus. My face is a rictus of rage.

“Shut up! And stop that!"

"Not going to have sex with you!"

Luna, the traitor, is giggling. Celestia strolls in, her mane mussed. She takes one look and shakes her head in amusement.

"It's merely coltish whimsy, Lowyn. Pay them no mind and they'll stop soon enough."

My eye twitches.

"I'd rather banish them to the void and let them choke on nothingness."

Celestia tuts.

"Now now, I know banishing your problems seems like a good idea, but they have a nasty habit of coming back when it's most inconvenient."

She sits down and thanks a waiter for the pancakes he sets before her. At least her arrival distracts the nuisances; Anon nudges Incognito. The sculptor takes a deep breath and walks to Celestia. She pauses at his approach, fork floating in midair. Incognito licks his lips.

"I am furious."

Celestia's brows draw together in concern.

"I'm sorry, what are you-"

He continues.

"I am furious about how perfect a horse you are."

She blinks.

"Thank... you?"

He clenches his fists.

"Your fur looks so soft and silky, yet no one is petting it."

Celestia is beginning to blush.

"Yes?"

Incognito glares at her.

"You've dedicated so much of your life to everyone else's happiness, thinking nothing of your own."

She smiles sheepishly.

"Well, I do have cake from time to time..."

He shakes his head.

"That's not good enough. You need someone to pet you, and tell you how good you are, and give you smooches, and warm your bed at night."

Celestia's face gets redder and redder as he goes on.

"Are you... volunteering?"

Incognito nods.

"If you'll have me."

Celestia's wings slowly extend, her tail lashing.

"Let us discuss this further... in private."

And then they both vanish in a flash of golden light. Meanwhile, Anon has made his way over to Luna's side, and they are nuzzling again. I banish my breakfast with a thought, my appetite ruined. I teleport once more to Twilight's library and bury myself in soothing stories.

Chapter 3 (FIrst Person POV)

It's been two years since I got stranded on this elf-forsaken plane. Both Celestia and Luna are married now, and utterly insufferable to be around. Luna even has a child on the way. Luckily, that has distracted both humans rather thoroughly. Anon is fawning all over Luna, giving her massages and long, loving gazes. Meanwhile, Incognito and Celestia show up late to breakfast every morning, worn out but also glowing in a way that is painful to watch. For me and Twilight, at least.

Speaking of, she has become something of a friend or perhaps an apprentice. Her mind is sharp, and she has a natural intuition about magic that is second only to my own. Because of general...conditions in the palace, I have been spending more and more time in her library. It turns out, she has a second, more secret stash, cunningly hidden in a dimensional pocket, keyed only to her thaumic signature. I was rather moved they day she keyed my thaumic signature into the access permissions. Now I can read neighponese yowie dough gin sheets. If I am completely honest, the lack of bulky, muscular stallions is something of a disappointment, but I powered through for the sake of my schlick. The more I read, the more I grow to appreciate these lithe, tender males. Then I find a comic where a mare ruts the gay stallions straight, and I am hooked.

I spend days, locked in my room, filling the air with my personal scent. It's not like I actually have to do anything, so it's fine, right? Right. And this way, I don't have to see the other princesses grossly incandescent with marital bliss. There comes a knocking at the door, Twilight, going by the thaumic signature. With a wave of my hand, I clear the scent and the mess from the room.

"Come in, Twilight."

She complies, tail between her legs and her ears folded back. I frown as she closes the door behind her and starts casting privacy spells.

"What's wrong?"

As the last spell resolves, Twilight licks her lips.

"Do you remember the spell that brought Incognito to Equestria?"

I grimace.

"Of course. What about it?"

My young friend nervously paws at the floor.

"Cadance determined that the rift is a natural resonance point in time and space for the currents of love in Equestria and a potentially infinite number of other planes."

I raise an eyebrow.

"So?"

Twilight rustles her wings.

"According to Cadance's theory, using time travel spells near it allows for the transfer of highly compatible beings from other planes. Like Anon for Luna and Incognito for Celestia."

I cross my arms.

"That's nice, but it doesn't explain why you are so stressed."

She sighs.

"We tried it again. A woman came out this time."

“Another human?"

The purple princess nods.

"Well, that would do it. Now they can have pure-strain humans instead of halfbreeds. So, do you need my help banishing her or something?"

Twilight looks at me, eyes wide in shock.

"That's not it at all! I'm just worried that I might be a lesbian and not know about it!"

I blink.

"Is that all?"

She frowns.

"I mean, if I ever get into a herd, I'm going to lend a helping hoof if needed, right? That's just being herdsisters. But only having a herdsister? I'm not sure I could do that."

I find my willingness to listen to her woes waning rapidly.

"So, you want to know if you can be a lesbian?"

Twilight chews her lip.

"Essentially."

I shrug.

"Easy enough. I'll summon a succubus for you and an incubus for me."

She leans back in alarm.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? Summoning demons..."

I scoff.

"I have done it for hundreds of years. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

I gesture to the floor and two magic circles appear.

A snap of my fingers grabs twelve eggs from the kitchen and sets them at points on each circle. Twilight has thankfully settled down as she watches me perform magic. It's kinda cute.

"Hear me, Adoraleth, Adonadek. By the life of the neverborn I give you asylum."

The eggs crack, their insides smoldering and smoking, condensing into my favorite infernals. Adoraleth raises her eyebrows at my current room, her gaze lingering on some discarded dough gin sheets laying on the floor. Adonadek smirks at me, hands on his hips.

"Hey Lowyn. Did you gain some weight since last time?"

I am equal parts mortified and furious.

"Shut up, Nads! My figure is perfect as always!"

I suck in my gut a little.

"Any ways, Dora, go help my friend Twilight here figure out if she's a lesbian or not. Nads, the usual."

Twilight is staring at Dora with wide eyes and a light blush. She'll be fine, probably. Nads clears his throat.

"About that. I'm afraid Twilight will have to cover the charge for both of our services. You're out of eggs, Lowyn."

My blood runs cold.

"That can't be, I should still have around one hundred!"

Adonadek shrugs.

"You summon a lot while drunk."

I sit down heavily on my bed. I still have millennia to go before I die, and now I won't get my bicentennial demonic pick-me-up ever again. Twilight makes that creaky noise she makes when she is trying to not freak out.

"Eggs, as in..."

Dora nods.

"Ovum. Baby batter receptacles. The besieged fortress of fertility. Spunk bucke-"

The mare is getting more and more flustered the more euphemisms are listed.

"I got it! I got it; you take eggs in payment. I'm going to decline your offer; the price is too steep for what I want."

Adoraleth pouts.

"Are you sure? I know all sorts of ways we could have fun together~"

Twilight nods.

"If I'm going to find out about how I feel about Femanon, then I should be talking to her, not summoning demons."

Dora and Nads give me an apologetic smile, then vanish in a puff of sulfur. I try to muster some passion, but my heart is not in it.

"In case you were wondering, demon dick feels amazing."

Twilight looks at me with a measure of pity I rather resent. She used to look at me in awe and with vast respect for my magical knowledge and prowess. Now, she sees a woman worn out and used up by her vices. Unlike many I have met, she sees the real me, with all my flaws and virtues.

I hate it. I teleport away, to my workroom. I have a new purpose, a new project, and it will be amazing. It has to be.

The resource gathering phase was simple enough if somewhat time consuming. Lumber, mushrooms, clay, and a frog are easily acquired in the wilderness outside of Canterlot. Finding a gem with the right length was a little more difficult, but the third mineral wholesaler had what I needed. I am whittling down the emerald when Twilight drops by again.

She sighs. I adjust the gem, rotating it slightly. Not looking up from my work, I attempt a consoling tone.

"I take it she didn't fall madly in love with you?"

"Not me, no. Turns out, Femanon has a passion for childcare and miniature wargames, so she's joining my brother's herd."

I will an absolute edge of mana to carve another facet.

"Huh."

I hear a sniffle. I pause in my work to see Twilight trying not to cry. I smile at her.

"Now you know how I feel. A little relieved because who actually wants to fuck a human? But also really frustrated because of how long it's been since you've had something between your nethers that isn't composed of mana."

She looks shocked at my incredibly accurate read of her emotional state.

"No, I- she could have been my true- I'm a virgin!"

Oh. This poor girl.

"That just makes it worse, doesn't it? I tell you what, once I'm done making this, I'll make one for you too."

Twilight seems to snap out of it, and properly looks at the emerald I am whittling.

"What are you working on?"

I grin, glad to distract her from her virginity and glad to show off.

"This is going to be the core of a boletulus, something like a more elfoid version of a timberwolf."

She frowns.

"Are you making an uncontrollable, intelligent monster that reproduces by gathering debris?"

I roll my eyes.

"I'll be its creator; it will have to listen to me. Not to mention, it doesn't need to be particularly intelligent, I just want something that will ravage me whenever I want and survive in a pocket dimension when I don't need a good, hard dicking."

Twilight blushes at my choice of language, no doubt imagining the possibility of having her own on-demand dicking dispenser golem.

"I think I will stick to inanimate objects for now, cucumbers generally don't go on rampages."

I shrug.

"Suit yourself."

She'll come around sooner or later. I finish cutting the last facet and smooth the surfaces of the emerald. A gesture banishes the shards and gem dust to a random plane nearby. Twilight ends up sitting across my worktable from me.

"Is there a purpose behind the shape?"

I smirk. Gottem. I turn the nearly cylindrical rod of emerald in my fingers.

"Each surface has a corresponding surface on the other side. The are 42 pairs, meaning that only 16% of the mana that enters escapes. And when you add mana like so,"

I flick a mote into the rod and it immediately starts vibrating.

"You get a good, scalable vibrational frequency."

Twilight furrows her brows.

"For a time keeping function?"

I shake my head at her relative innocence. How could a mare who reads that much porn be so clueless?

"This will go in the dick."

She blinks. Then I see the dawn of comprehension in her eyes, complemented nicely by the reddening of her cheeks.

"That's...a good idea? I got to go, you know, update some lists. See you later!"

I wonder if she will try to innovate on what little I've shown her or strike out for virgin territory on her quest for pleasure aids. I can't wait to see what she comes up with.

I take a moment to admire my creation. Pleasant green skin, the color of moss, of life. A bald head, perfect for stroking and occasionally using for a divinatory focus. A bulky, working man's build, strong enough to hold me down even with my best strength enhancements. A long, girthy member to fill me up completely. Now to start it up. I breathe out, infusing my breath with mana. It washes over my boletulus, seeping into its skin, then sucked into its nose with a snort. My creation opens its red eyes and furrows its brow in confusion.

"Wutz all dis?"

I grin.

"I am your master, Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. I have created you for a great and noble purpose, to pleasure me with your body."

It blinks.

"Nah, you ain't za boss. Too tiny."

It grabs my waist with one large hand and lifts me in the air effortlessly. I am so wet right now.

"That's right! Ram me onto your dick! Assert your dominance!"

It scowls, then presses my face against the door. I can hardly wait.

"Wutz dis?"

...

No.

"I'm your creator! You must do as I say!"

It pulls me back, then bonks my head on the door.

"I said, wot iz dis?"

I slump, horribly blue beaned.

"It's a door. If you go through it, it goes to another place."

My creation takes a moment to comprehend my revelation. Then it charges right through the door, splintering it. It's trivially easy for my personal protection spells to tank the damage. I consider cutting up my creation and starting over, but I still kind of like being manhandled like this. My boletulus shoves my face into a vase, dashing it to the ground and shattering the thing.

"Heh heh, good smash."

Perhaps I should have made it a little more intelligent. Or much less.

After spooking a lot of servants, smashing 14 vases, and crashing through 3 walls, my creation meanders into the throne room. Celestia is holding court, Incognito seated in a much less ornate chair by her throne, absently petting her back. Day court comes to a halt as the boletulus stomps up to Celestia and shoves me in her general direction. I speak without prompting.

"Apologies, Princess. This is my boletulus, though I'm afraid it has escaped my control. Boletulus, this is Princess Celestia, the ruler of this land."

Celestia raises her eyebrows at me, while Incognito rolls his eyes.

"I... see. is he your friend, then?"

I glance at the mushroom lifeform and sense its neural hyphea catch up with my introductions. It glares at Celestia and takes a deep breath. Oh shining isles, it's going to yell.

"I'Z DA BIGGEST SO I'Z DA BOSS."

Celestia's mild smile disappears. She slowly stands up from her throne, her fur poofing out, her wings extending completely. The colors of her mane shift to oranges and red and her horn shines with a baleful light. I can feel the heat through all of my environmental enchantments. The Celestia starts bobbing her head in a circular motion like a weirdo. She speaks in her Royal Canterlot Voice.

"I AM BIGGER THAN YOU, STRONGER THAN YOU, AND CAN BURN YOU TO A CINDER WITH A THOUGHT. I AM THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES."

The boletulus salutes with the hand holding me, accidentally flinging me against a pillar.

"Youz da boss! Good fires, boss!"

Celestia nods firmly.

"That's right. Now, what is your name?"

It blinks.

"Uh, dunno, boss."

Celestia sighs.

"Go sit in a corner and try to think of one."

The boletulus salutes again and lumbers over to a corner and scowls at nothing
A servant trots over to whisper to Celestia, who frowns. As I stand up, the sun princess makes her way over to me. Her disapproving look weighs more heavily on my heart than I would care to admit.

"Lowyn, you've been a decent guest, but I cannot allow this. Do not create artificial life while you are on this plane."

I nod contritely.

"You have my word."

She doesn't smile, but her frown eases a bit.

"It has also come to my attention that your experiment has caused some damage to the palace. You will be repairing all of it by yourself."

I nod again.

"I'll have everything fixed within the hour."

Celestia gives me a measuring look.

"By hand. No magic."

I pale.

“But that will take forev-"

Celestia glares.

"It will give you time to reflect in your actions and their consequences."

I hold in a sigh. There's no talking back to mo-Celestia when she is like this.

"I understand."

She doesn't look convinced, but lets it go.

I don't find out the worst part of my punishment until months later, as I finish painting over the last of the repaired walls. A servant gives me a letter from some pony named Fluttershy. She writes about how useful Krork is with helping wrestle large animals for treatment, gushes about how gentle he is when brushing her mane, and thanks me profusely for installing a vibrating function in his dick. She also promises to take responsibility and will be marrying him by the end of the year. She also includes an invitation to the wedding.

I crumple the letter and set it on fire. It's my first time being on this end of things, and now I understand why so many mothers don't like me. I spent hours designing, crafting, and breathing life into a perfect body and a perfect cock, and then some other woman who had no hand in its creation gets to enjoy getting every hole used and vibrated. It is the ultimate cuckoldry, as a wizard and as a woman. I resolve to dedicate more time to leaving this terrible place. I’m bound to find a way back to civilization sooner or later.

I hope.

Chapter 4 (First Person POV)

Three years into my exile, and I think I am finally making progress. I moved my workshop to Manehattan, to distance myself from all the sickeningly sweet matrimony in Canterlot. I have a small army of mares scrying through the dimensions, yielding some interesting finds. A plane of elemental water, for instance. Now I can drink pure, slightly magically charged water whenever I want. I even found a promisingly open stretch of planes in the direction of the Prime.

One even has elves! Primitive, inbred, and spouting some nonsense about destroying the world to wake the dreamer, but elves! I make a note to come back to them in 50 years or so and reign over them as a wrathful queen goddess. Hopefully, they will have figured out cleaning spells by then. No respectable queen goddess cleans her pleasure slaves herself, after all. I am roused from my idle fantasy by my ward pinging with a familiar thaumic signature. I warp to the door and open it.

“Princess Twilight, it's good to see you again."

My...friend, maybe best friend shifts nervously. She clears her throat.

"It's good to see you too, Lowyn. Could I come in? I have some news for you."

I raise my eyebrows, but nod. I lead her into one of my favorite sitting rooms where a servant has prepared fresh tea. I sit down and take a cup, and Twilight does the same. For some reason she is looking downward more often than usual. I gesture with my cup to her.

"So, what is this news that has you so nervous?"

She sips her tea to wet her mouth.

"You remember when we summoned Femanon?"

I nod, suppressing a grimace at the memories of that time. Twilight continues, "We've refined the spell some, and well. I believe I summoned my soulmate."

I feel a faint pang in my heart, but I smile at her.

"Congratulations! I must confess, I am rather curious what they are like. Will I be meeting them soon?"

My friend ruffles her wings.

"There's more. He's, well, an elf."

I feel like I am struck by lightning without wards. I surge to my feet, my tea spilling.

"Is he from the Prime? Does he have a way back?"

Twilight leans back in surprise, then laughs weakly.

"He is from the Prime, but he's as stuck as you are."

I drift back to my seat, heart light with relief. An actual civilized elf! Then a thought occurs to me. Twilight wouldn't be this nervous if she was just letting me know she got a boyfriend. I swallow. I look into her eyes.

"Are you here to invite me to herd with you?"

If he is good enough to be her soulmate, he can't be too bad. Twilight looks a little sick at the thought.

"No! That's, I mean you and he..."

Some of the hurt I am feeling must have shown on my face, because she climbs into the chair with me and wraps a wing around my back.

"I would never ask you to herd with your brother. It wouldn't be right."

I blink.

"My what?"

A figure erupts from Twilight's shadow. Despite that nostalgic signature, I throw a firebolt at it. Lellmaeo snuffs it out with his hand and grins.

"It's good to see you too, sister!"

I try to scowl at him, the idiot is still wearing his skimpy drow costume, but it's no use. I practically tackle him and cling to him with all my strength as sobs escape my throat. I feel him tense.

"Woah, there there. Um."

I sniffle, the cosmetic enchantment banishing my tears and snot as I hold onto an achingly familiar piece of home. My brother hesitantly wraps me in a loose embrace and rubs my back. I breathe deep, inhaling the scent of mushrooms and artfully musky male elf scent. Then I feel myself melt down there, and I hurriedly push myself away from him. I stare at his bewildered expression and blush at losing my dignity to such a degree.

"It is good to see you, Maeo."

He smooths down his husbandbeaten top awkwardly.

"I take it you've had a hard time out here? I haven't seen too much of the plane, but it seems... minimalistic."

I glance at Twilight, who is rolling her eyes at my brother.

"Let's just say I've had more than a few setbacks. At least I've been able to make a friend."

Lellmaeo sits down in a spare chair.

"You too, huh? I guess the curse did affect the whole family."

I blink.

"We've been cursed?"

Maeo shrugs.

"Remember four or five years ago, when Father made an eclipse because he was hungover? Turns out Lumena, Goddess of Light, took offense to that."

I facepalm.

"Dad..."

My brother chuckles.

"Yeah, so our family was cursed with bad luck. Then she sent some human archmage as her champion, who promptly seduced Father's advisors and deposed him. Last I heard, he is living in exile with an orc mistress."

I can't help but laugh.

"Dad, of all people, race mixing?"

Lellmaeo shrugs.

"He didn't have much of a choice, at least at first. By the time the binding on his magic wore off, he didn't want to leave what's her name."

Twilight pales.

"That's horrible! I am so sorry for your family!"

I exchange a glance with my brother.

"It's not so bad, Twilight. If dad really didn't want to be an orc's sex slave, he'd just kill her. At least it's easier on the royal funds than a drow mistress."

Lellmaeo blushes. Twilight stares at him.

"...do I want to know?"

He smiles sheepishly.

"We never did anything, since she was there for Father, but she showed me some training exercises and gave me a few books."

Twilight glances at me. I smirk.

"It was rather cute, like a duckling following a dragon. Glamour your fur black and your mane white and he'll be putty in your hooves."

Twilight looks at Lellmaeo thoughtfully.

"I'll have to try that."

His blush deepens. I blink.

"What about mom?"

Maeo takes a deep breath.

"Well, when the Champion of Lumena deposed Father, he sorta...took her as his chief concubine."

He visibly braces for my reaction.I frown.

"Is she...happy?"

Lellmaeo looks at me in surprise.

"Uh, yes, actually."

I stare at him.

"She actually said that?"

He shrugs.

"Apparently, every night is like a sleepover with the other concubines, the human cuddles after...and uh, he has a big d-"

I clap my hands over my ears.

"Enough! I really don't need to know about that. At least she is happy."

Maeo laughs, and Twilight is smiling. I let out a weary chuckle.

"So when are you two getting married or whatever?"

My brother looks at Twilight. She puffs up her tuft and looks me straight in the eyes.

"As the oldest reachable mare in his family, I am asking you for his hand in marriage."

Oh, right. I straighten up and assume a stern expression.

"Do you promise to take care of him when he is being an idiot, and to cherish him despite his weird fetishes and obsession with drow culture?"

Maeo squawks in protest, but Twilight nods gravely.

"I swear by my horn and heart, I will rein him in when needed and I always wanted a big testes goth coltfriend."

I lay a firm hand on her withers.

"Then I grant you my blessing to marry him, just don't come running to me about your sex life."

Twilight hugs me, nuzzling against my cheek.

"Thank you, this means a lot to me."

I give her a quick hug, then let her go.

"You're welcome."

Lellmaeo smiles fondly at me.

"The rural life agrees with you, sister. You are far more relaxed than I have ever seen you."

I shrug.

"It's not all bad out here. Once I find a way back, I think I will live here semi-permanently, just to escape the public eye if nothing else."

In the following month, I met with Cadance a few times, memorizing the spell matrix for summoning a soulmate from across the planes. I find it fascinating, the way it slips in and out of the four dimensions, incorporating familiar and utterly alien components. At long last, I am ready. I prepare an isolated room with cushions, snacks, alcohol of various types, and three different flavors of ice cream in a cold enchanted box. I open a portal to the patch of forest and cast the spell. At once, a roiling rift of pink plasma opens in the air, and I see shadows of countless figures flicker around it.

I stare anxiously for something, anything, to appear. Nothing. Not for the next five minutes, or the ten after that. I retreat to a luxurious chair and start sipping a wine that is half as old as I am.

An hour later, I have started in on the snacks, only keeping the rift in the corner of my eye. Three hours after that, the sun is beginning to set, and nothing has come out of the rift for me. I refuse to name the fear in my heart. When the moon rises, I haven't fully given up, but I am eating ice cream and reading neighponese comics by the pink light of the rift.

I wake up the next morning, not remembering when I fell asleep. I look around to find myself completely alone, the rift and portal having closed when I lost consciousness. My heart sinks. Across a nearly infinite number of planes, is there not one soul to complement mine? Am I still cursed, even though everyone else in my family has found happiness? Am I completely unlovable? Something inside me breaks.

I fall back on a cushion and tremble as tears are banished by my cosmetic enchantment. In a fit of pique, I dispel the enchantment. The warm, wet feeling of tears streaming down my face is oddly satisfying. I conjure a mirror and stare at it. I turn my head to the right and the left, admiring the glistening trails on my face. I am objectively beautiful; of that I am absolutely sure.

"I am beautiful. I have friends and family that care for me. I am powerful. I am brilliant. I am sexy."

Even as I say the words, they are as hollow as they are true. I dismiss the mirror, suddenly sick of seeing my face. I lay back on the cushion and close my eyes.

That is how Lellmaeo and Twilight find me an hour later. My brother zaps me with a sobering spell, which does almost nothing except make me sigh. Twilight looks at me in concern.

"I know you don't really deal well with seeing other ponies happy, but we still would love to see you at our wedding. You mean a lot to us, Lowyn."

Maeo nods seriously.

"We really need someone to spike the punch and harass the waitstaff, and you're the best woman for the job. Come on, put those years of apprenticeship under uncle Mordy to use."

I chuckle at that and slowly get up. I banish whatever residue accumulated on my skin overnight and summon my bridesmaid dress directly onto my body.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go."

I put on a smile that has a smidgeon of sincere emotion behind it. Twilight and Maeo exchange a glance, then give me a big hug. I sigh again, but with less ennui. When they let go, I give them a genuine smile, then teleport the three of us to the venue. The sooner I am done with this, the better.

After walking my brother down the aisle, the ceremony was pleasant, if boring. At the reception, I make sure to avoid the humans and my sto- liberated creation. For their part, they are happy to do the same, starting an arm and/or hoof wrestling tournament off to the side. Celestia is the first to come my way, her face a careful mask in front of all the nobility mingling around.

"I do believe this is the first Equestrian wedding you have attended. What do you think so far?"

Is that a hint of censure? It's impossible to tell, Celestia has too much practice in statecraft. I smile faintly.

"Every bit as tedious as elven ceremonies, though less ornate."

Celestia nods.

"...It's good to see you being social again. I had worried...well, perhaps we can meet for tea sometime and catch up."

I smile fondly at the old mare. She is far too much like my mother for her own good. I put a hand on her withers.

"I would like that. Maybe sometime next week? I'll have my secretary meet with yours."

Celestia looks at me in surprise, then with a subtle undercurrent of joy.

"I'm looking forward to it."

At that moment, I hear splintering wood, and Celestia sighs.

"I should go and tend to my husband's bruised hand and ego. See you next week."

I give her a pat on the neck.

"Until then. Good luck."

Moving on, I find Luna watching Krork suspiciously as Anon steps to the newly repaired table. I sidle up to her.

"There's no shame in losing to a golem in a test of strength."

Luna snorts.

"I am aware. But I suspect Krork is taunting them."

I nod.

"I have noticed humans can be... easily provoked."

She sighs.

"I suppose that is the price I pay for a husband so eager in the bedroom."

I'd rather she not expand on that sentiment, so I subtly lead her to the refreshments, which just so happens to have a punch bowl. I look at Luna with a gleam in my eye.

"Shall we see how refreshing the offerings truly are?"

I subtly flash a vial of 150 proof rum in the palm of my hand. Luna smirks, producing a hip flask from the pit of her wing. I cast an illusion to obscure my movements and pour my contribution into the bowl while Luna does the same with her booze. I take the ladle and stir the punch. Luna coughs.

"Sister is coming this way, act natural."

I drop the illusion and banish the vial. I idly wonder if the debris I scatter to random planes will seed them with life. Maybe I should do so more deliberately, so that future generations will benefit from more interesting wildlife to harvest. By the time I decide it would be too much trouble, Celestia is eyeing me and Luna with suspicion from across the table.

"Having fun?"

I am so glad my cosmetic enchantment banishes my nervous sweat.

"So far. Have you tried the cake?"

Luna snorts. Celestia shoots her a look.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I would definitely recommend it."

Then Celestia picks up the ladle with her magic and pours the punch into her cup. Luna's legs are tensed to run, and I can practically taste the charge running under the surface of her horn. I’m not much better; I have my teleportation spell primed and ready. Celestia takes a sip and her eyebrows rise.

"This is quite good."

Then she winks at me and strolls away. I let out a long, slow breath as the adrenaline drains from my body. Luna chuckles ruefully.

"I'll get her next time."

I pat her neck.

“I'll be rooting for you."

The reception is markedly more enjoyable with most of the guests stumbling around drunkenly. Twilight and Maeo give me a grateful wave as they slip out in the confusion. I decide to follow their lead and head out. Canterlot at night is fairly pleasant, and I take a moment or two to admire Luna's work. If I am being quite honest with myself, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

But when I lower my eyes from the night sky, I still feel that emptiness in my heart. My eyes fall on a bar called "Rolls and Barrels" and I go inside to check it out. True to the name, the scent of alcohol and baked goods suffuses the barroom. As I walk inside, I vaguely recognize an earthpony stallion at the bar. I think I remember him from one of the families of Twilght's friends.

Compared to the rest of the bar, this island of familiarity felt a little more comfortable, so I sit by him and order a scotch whiskey. He glances at me as the bartender places the glass in front of me. I make a small gesture and reach into a rift to drop two ice cubes of elemental water into my drink. Gratifyingly, the stallion is visibly impressed. I smirk at him.

"I am Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. Who might you be?"

He blushes and looks down at his martini.

"I am Caramel, your royal highness. I make confections in Ponyville."

Looking at him, he's not that bad. Lithe around the barrel, with a candy-maker’s thick thighs. Stars, all those dough gin sheets have warped my tastes in males.
Fuck it. I don't have a soulmate, so there's nothing wrong with playing around a little.

"A sweet name for a sweet stallion. Do you like seeing magic?"

He looks at me sidelong, trying to be coy.

"I may be an earthpony, but I live close enough to Canterlot that ordinary spells won't impress me."

I grin and spin a spell circle in the air and blow into it. My breath is converted into a swarm of multicolored glowing butterflies, swirling around him, and settling on his face before dissolving into motes of light. When the last fades, he stares at me in wonder.

"That was beautiful, I've never seen magic like that before!"

I preen a little at the compliment.

"Thank you, I composed the spell myself."

Caramel shifts a little on his stool.

"I'd love to see more, if you have the time."

I knock back my whiskey and stand up.

"Come on, I can't show you my best spells indoors."

As I lay on the grass beside Caramel, I set the sparks to gently rain down on the two of us. It's a nice break from the gouts of fire and shards of ice I was throwing around artfully, not to mention my other flashier spells. Caramel sighs happily.

"I don't think I'll ever forget this night. "

I wonder if he’d let me squeeze his butt now. He licks his lips.

"I don't think I told you why I like seeing spells like this, did I?"

I blink and try to pay attention.

“No, you haven't."

"Mom left when I was born, and Dad had to hire a babysitter for me while he worked. He was a unicorn, and he would practice spells while he babysat me. Little things like making my teddy bear dance or writing my name in glowing lines."

Caramel smiles fondly, staring into the night sky.

"He once spent an entire month working on a spell to make shadow puppets perform my bedtime story."

Then Caramel sighs.

"And when I turned ten, his family moved back to Canterlot. Dad said I was old enough to take care of myself, and I was. But that didn't make home any less lonely."

I reach over and hold his forehoof. I say, "I know a little of what that was like. My parents were too busy ruling the kingdom to take care of me when I was young, so I was raised by the servants until Uncle Mordy took me on as his apprentice. Maybe that's why..."

Why I am too broken to have a soulmate. Caramel turns to me and squeezes my hand with his hoof-grabby-field.

"I think we turned out alright. I'm a successful business stallion,"

“And I'm stranded far from home because I got drunk while showing off."

He reaches over and boops my nose.

"And you're the personal friend of the princesses, not to mention your thriving divination business. You should be proud of yourself."

I blink.

“I should be proud of myself, shouldn't I."

Caramel nods firmly. I smile at him and rub my thumb over the soft flesh of his hoof
He shivers, and not from the cold of night. I turn over and put my hands on either side of his head. He stares up at me, blushing demurely. I lean down and kiss his lips, long buried hopes and emotions rising like a tide within me. He tastes sweet, his clever tongue brazenly meeting mine for a passionate dance. I place a hand on his firm barrel, feeling his warmth and his racing heartbeat as he loses himself in the kiss. Eventually, I break the kiss and lean down to whisper in his ear.

"Shall I teleport you to my place? I have all sorts of spells I just know you want to...experience."

Something bumps against my elbow. I glance down to see he is out of his sheath. Caramel whimpers longingly.

"Take me."

I grin and teleport the two of us directly to my bed. I’m going to have fun

I wake up the next morning sticky all over, sore in a pleasant sort of way that I have missed these three long years. I glance over at my bedmate and give him a kiss on the nose. He scrunches in his sleep but doesn't stir. Adorable.

I really wore him out, didn't I? I gracefully shuffle out of bed and clean the worst of it off my body with a simple spell. Then I conjure hot, lavender scented water into the wide tub and ease myself in. I feel at one with the heat, utterly relaxed, practically melting. Then a ward pings, and I wave to let the auditory projection through.

"Good Morning, Cadence. I trust the wedding wrapped up well?"

"No thanks to you."

I can hear the amusement in her voice. She continues,

"Speaking of which, I had wanted to talk to you. I noticed you cast the Amore Infinitum spell last night, but you came to the wedding without a date. Why didn't you bring your destined mate?"

I groan and sink a little deeper in the water.

"Didn't work."

"...The spell fizzled?"

I sigh.

"No, it did everything it was supposed to do, except fetch me someone to love from across the multiverse. Apparently, I don't have a soulmate."

"Lowyn, what are you talking about? If no one came through the rift, that just means your mate is on this plane. Besides, I can feel your bond from here, you already consummated with your destiny."

What-

That-

I actually-

I start trembling, my mind whirling at the revelation.

"Lowyn? Are you alright?"

I laugh shakily.

"I met him in a bar. My soulmate."

"Well, that's how about half of ponies do it nowadays, yes. You should bring him over to the palace, I'm sure the girls and I would love to see you two together."

I rub my face.

"Sure, sure, I'll see you later. And thanks, Cadance. I...had sort of lost hope."

"You are more than welcome. There's nothing better than helping my friends and family find love."

The projection dissipates, and I lay my head back. A few minutes later, I hear the clopping of hooves on tiles.

"Mind if I join you?"

I wave absently, and feel the waters rise as Caramel slides into the bath. I raise my head to look at him, memorizing his contented face. I won't have as much time to spend looking for a way back home, but that's alright. I have a perfectly good home right here, with all I have ever truly wanted.

Chapter 1 (Second Person POV)

You are Princess Ellowynelle, stranded on a lesser plane after a crazy night of flexing on some human mages. The barbarians didn't even know how to summon a wine elemental. Things get a little hazy after that demonstration. You would think that you would have picked a nice, civilized plane to portal to, even when affected by strong spirits. But no, drunk you decided to go so far down from the Prime Material that there are no elves, or even portal shunting areas. So you ended up flying like a servant out of an enchanted or perhaps cursed forest. Spying the only place worthy of your dignity, you teleport to what you find out is the local princess's balcony. Say what you will about these uplifted unicorn creatures, but they have a perfectly regal and accommodating royal.

Princess Celestia herself shows you to an adequately decorated room, and has a servant prepare an unfamiliar, yet fragrant tea. You had worried that she would have difficulty understanding your situation, but that was not the case, exactly.

"Ah, another traveler from another world. Are you human as well?"

You blink. Your instincts from courtly intrigue tell you that she means no insult, despite her words. This really is a backwater plane.

"No, I am an elf. We live much longer, are more magically potent, and generally superior to humans."

Princess Celestia looks surprised.

"How much longer, would you say?"

What an odd question.

"They wither away in a century, maybe two if they are lucky and magically inclined. I will most likely see two millennia pass by before I go to the Shining Isles."

Princess Celestia brightens at that. Literally, her fur coat begins emitting a faint glow.

"It will be good to have some new company for the centuries, then. Assuming, of course, that you don't find your way home by then."

In that moment, she reminds you uncomfortably of your mother when you returned to the palace after a 50 year apprenticeship under your uncle Archmage Mord Ih'Kai. Desperately eager for your company, yet resigned to how fleeting your time together may be. You attempt a sincere smile.

"I'm sure once I find a way back, I'll visit from time to time. We princesses have to stick together."

Princess Celestia relaxes the tiniest bit, and you feel a little guilty about probably lying just now. Ugh, maybe you will make it a truth eventually. Regardless, there are more important things to worry about.

"Speaking of royalty, will I have to worry about meeting the King or Queen? Or regent, perhaps?"

Princess Celestia sighs, and you sense this is a question she has answered far too many times.

"I'd like to say that you are already meeting with the regent, but it's unlikely that my sister or I shall have the opportunity to step aside for another. I took the title "princess" in hopes that my little ponies would choose their own ruler, or perhaps as a signal that they are collectively the Queen over me. Instead they just praised my humility and gave me more power than I ever wanted."

You are somewhat unfamiliar with the concept of "more power than you wanted", but you put on a sympathetic expression.

"At least they can't argue as much when you choose to delegate?"

Princess Celestia huffs.

"To my face, they don't."

Ah.

She shakes her head to banish her growing foul mood.

"I'm afraid we've gotten off track. I'll have my top magic researchers assist you in any way they can, of course, but given how little progress they've had with getting Anon to his home world, I suspect their coordination will be more valuable than their expertise."

You tilt your head forward slightly to acknowledge the point.

"That may be, but magic practitioners can vary greatly among the myriad planes. I may yet learn something from them."

She takes a sip from her teacup, eyeing you speculatively.

"Could I ask a favor of you?"

You raise an eyebrow.

"You may ask."

Celestia sets the cup down without a sound, a small frown forming on her mouth.

"Anon has isolated himself, ever since he arrived. Not going to slumber parties, throwing away the monthly spa pass, just working at his forge all the time. While you are here, could you check on him from time to time, maybe see what is wrong with him? Since you have more experience with humans, perhaps you'll have more success than me or my little ponies."

And now the resemblance is uncanny

”El, could you talk to your brother? He's been reading Drow philosophy books again, and the servants report the smell of sulfur coming from his room. It's only a phase, but he's going to be utterly unmanageable for the next decade if you don't talk some sense into him.”

You repress a sigh at the memory and bow your head slightly.

"I'll see what I can do."

It's not like you have to actually do anything, according to this oral agreement.

As it happened, the researchers are worse than useless. They think the multiverse is arrayed like a sea of bubbles, rather than the infinite strata of segmented membranes radiating from the Prime. And they completely lose focus when a stallion servant walks in with a tray of snacks. At least the pastries are good here; they are seasoned with a nice, subtle flavoring. After an entirely wasted hour of trying to teach the basics of interdimensional physics, you pretend to be exhausted from your ordeal and excuse yourself. Rather, you are more restless than anything.

You wander the streets of Canterlot, taking in the rustic charm of the city. All these little three-story mansionettes, winged servant ponies flitting about with packages and ornamental armor. Everyone around you trying to be discreet about gazing in wonder at your perfect figure. And nothing fun to do anywhere. After patronizing the third barely acceptable tea shop, you are quite done with this plane. You fly up to a handy rooftop and meditate, casting lines of magic through the local membrane, sending a spark of awareness along each one.

You aren't surprised to find that you don't recognize any of the neighboring planes, but what is surprising is that so many above and around are nearly empty voids. The few that have significant thaumic readings also are riddled large dead areas. It's as if something very large had grazed on the thaumic field. That complicates things. You won't be able to merely face due Prime and jump, you'll have to map out the voids and thread your way through this tattered patch of the multiverse until you get out of the damaged area. It's going to be like navigating a three-dimensional maze while only being able to see a foot in front of you.

...

This sounds like a problem for future El. Besides, you have to pee.

You cast the sanitizing spell a second time on your room's bathroom, and cancel the silencing spell from when you were relieving yourself. You may have to apologize to Mother when you get back, you did end up using spells from the Standardized Maid Spellbook. To be fair to your past self, there is no way you could have known you would end up in such a humble, backwards plane. You flop onto the bed and stare at the gilded ceiling. A decade or three of this. You allow yourself one sigh, then you stand with a firmness of purpose. You are going to do what you always do when you are bored and restless.

You find Anon readily enough, the ponies are all too happy to direct you to the unusual smith. On the outskirts of the city, the shop is built with rough slabs of granite and a lighter grey mortar. Smoke drifts in a lazy column from the back of the shop. The door is closed and presumably locked, considering the "closed" sign. Not that it will stop you. You teleport inside and look around. Swords, spears, and hammers hang from the wall, with little paper price tags on loops of twine. It's all terribly rough and primitive, a perfect reflection of their maker. You smirk at the imagined slight.

"Looking to protect yourself or deal some damage?"

You turn your head sharply to find the human leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. You sniff.

"I can do that just fine on my own. I am Princess Ellowynelle, highest mage of the Silver Willow Order of Magi, mistress of all disciplines. And you are?"

You wonder how badly he will mangle his etiquette.

"Anonymous. I don't claim to be the best blacksmith in Canterlot—, Yore Land's got that honor. The mare's steel is legendary. All I ask is a fair chance."

You narrow your eyes at him. Every instinct is telling you he's making fun of you, but you don't know in what way.

"For the last time, I'm not interested in whatever passes for blacksmithing around here-"

"Got some good pieces out here, if you're looking to buy. More inside."

You scowl at him.

"You done?"

He grins.

"Need something?"

The only thing keeping you from burning this place to the ground is your desire to stay on good terms with Princess Celestia. And the only thing keeping you from teleporting or otherwise storming out is the knowledge that it’s exactly what he wants. Thankfully, magic has a solution, like it always does. You cast a simple truth-compelling spell on him, the bolt of silvery light getting a satisfyingly alarmed reaction out of him. It will wear off within the hour, less if he has any sort of magical training.

"Wha-"

"Are you alright, Anonymous?"

He scowls.

"I'm pretty worried about whatever spell you threw at me, but otherwise I feel fine."

The human blinks, obviously unpleasantly surprised at being compelled into honesty. You smirk.

"It seems your friends are worried that you aren't taking enough time off for yourself. Why is that?"

He clenches his jaw, and you can feel the spell strain under his willpower. Admirable, for one of such a lowly race.

"Should they be worried, yes or no?"

He nearly spits his answer out.

"No."

You wave your hand, dismissing the tattered remnants of the spell.

"Good enough. Maybe talk to your friends more, and we won't have to do this again. Goodbye, human."

And then you teleport back to your room to giggle endlessly. Oh, how you miss being able to toy with people like that. No thaumic oversight to abide by for your public image, the freedom is nearly worth being on such a backwater plane. Nearly.

Six months later, and you are getting severely irritated. Finding a path back to the Prime is proving to be far more difficult than you expected. It seems a chaos spirit ran wild here a few times, and that is playing havoc with the membrane boundaries. Any given membrane has at least six different planes it borders instead of the usual one, with irregular cycles that you have yet to find the pattern to. So you are taking a break, hanging out with Celestia's sister. Who also reminds you of family, but uncle Mord Ih'Kai this time. Luna takes a swig of milk, waving a half-eaten chocolate donut in her forehoof.

"Those legs, it's enough to turn a mare to sin!"

You nod along, feeling nostalgic as you half-listen to the lustful ranting.

"Begging for it, practically."

Luna snorts.

"World's too soft, practically rotten. Used to be, I could pay his guardians his groom's price, and ride a stallion until sunrise. Now..."

You swallow the bite of your bovarian cream. Say what you will about the rest of the plane, but the food here is pretty good, provided you don't eat the stuff with hay in it.

"Now you can't even slap an ass without getting reprimanded."

Luna nods gloomily. You aren't much happier, Celestia lectured you for hours on being respectful to stallions, though you still don't understand why that would be. It doesn't help that you aren't getting the looks you used to. There are still some ponies that haven't seen anything like you before, but they are getting rarer and more obviously curious, rather than awed. You aren't used to being ignored like this. Oh, hold on, Luna is ranting again.

"I looked, he doesn't even have ball bras!"

That is kind of odd.

"The slut!"

Ball bra enchantments are actually pretty intricate, you often find yourself trying to figure out the specific variation of the array, to the disgust of the stallion. Luna growls.

"Stars have mercy on him..."

She stills, memories of her exile haunting her eyes. She whispers,

"Stars have mercy on me..."

The chocolate donut crumbles in the grasp of her hoof.

"But Anon will be mine, or he will burn!"

Hold on.

"Anon? As in, Anonymous?"

Luna comes down from her throes of passion.

"Yes, him! Haven't you been listening?"

She actually looks a little hurt, and you feel that weird para-familial guilt again.

"Sorry, I just didn't catch when you first mentioned his name. But it makes sense that he doesn't wear a ball bra, that's a piece of clothing local to this plane."

Luna accepts your apology easily enough, wiping the crumbs from her hoof on a napkin.

"Then you will help me woo the tempter, won't you?"

You resist the urge to groan. How does Luna even have that same terrible taste in romantic prospects?

"A mare like you has much better options than some sooty, sweaty ape."

She bites her lip.

"Mmm, sweaty, dirty Anon..."

You don't know why you even try.

"Let's get this over with."

Anon pours the iron into the cast, then sets his tools aside.

"What can I do for you, your honors?"

You snarl,

"Your majesties."

He shakes his head.

"I'm just a humble blacksmith, not a royal."

Luna's tuft is fluffing in a way that tells you her brain is running from the secondary control room in her ovaries. She licks her lips.

"I could make you a royal, if we had foals, because consorts are honorary-"

Anon raises his eyebrows at her.

"Are you seriously proposing to me?"

Luna tries to smile confidently, but she is too busy being worried and glancing at the crotch of his pants. You roll your eyes.

"She's mostly in it for your body."

Luna blushes, but nods.

"I like long legs, I cannot deny."

Anon rubs his chin.

"How about friends with benefits? I am rather curious what it's like to fuck a princess."

Luna's wings extend instantly, smacking into your face. You rub the impact site and scowl at her. Credit to Luna, Mord never got this far with a woman, though humans are notoriously promiscuous, so it's not as surprising. Your best friend on the plane gives you an apologetic smile.

"Sorry about that, Lowyn. But now we are sexfriends with a hot stallion!"

You tilt your head.

"We are?"

Luna looks at your face, then Anon's.

"He just offered, not a minute ago."

Anon opens his mouth in realization.

"You were asking for the two of you? I just thought... well. Do I have to include the knife-ears in this?"

You bristle.

"Have to? You ought to be in rapture of the idea of earning my slightest affection. Fortunately for you, you don't have to worry about proving yourself worthy of me, since I refuse to so much as touch you!"

He scoffs.

"Who'd want to touch a skinny, flat-chested bitch with more bile than blood?"

The air around you crackles with your arcane fury.

"Just because your pitiful human eyes can't see-"

"ENOUGH!"

Luna's roar reverberates in the smithy, tools and weapons rattling on their hooks and in their drawers. And there's the archmage side of your uncle, reflected in Luna. She is projecting mana into the air at a nearly suffocating density. You reflexively abandon all spellshaping you were doing. Anon merely pales. Luna glares at you, Anon, and back at you.

"So it's fine. Neither of you is interested in the other. Lowyn, how about you go back, and Anon and I will talk."

You press your lips together in a flat line.

"Fine."

Luna eases off the pressure, and you teleport back to your room in a huff.

Fucking humans.