Butt! Butt! Butt!
In a hallway, Applejack giggled. “I have a butt!” she proudly proclaimed.
A bunch of mares all suddenly ran around her, giggling. “Butt! Butt! Butt!” they happily sang.
The farmmare slapped her flank. “Thick and juicy!”
“Shake that plot!” the mares cried. “Show ‘em what your mama gave ya!”
Applejack started twerking like no other pony could, then cooed gratefully as all the other mares came over and gave that big booty the spanking it needed.
“Butt!” she chirped happily.
“Butt! Butt! Butt!” the mares sang as they twerked in unison.
From a distance away, Twilight Sparkle stared as if her friend had gone mad. “What the hell is wrong with her?” she asked the others.
“Oh, it’s the traditional Apple butt dance, darling,” Rarity told her.
The group watched as three mares bounced their hindquarters off of Applejack’s own ample cushion. “Really? I have not heard Applejack mention this at all.”
“Wee, they do it every year for a bountiful crop and a successful harvest!” Pinkie supplied.
“Every year?” Twilight asked. “How the fuck did I miss this?”
“Well, you have been running around the country, taking care of various things on behalf of Princess Celestia,” the fashionista reminded her.
“Yes!” Pinkie chirped. “You missed a lot of episodes that way, but at least Hasbro didn’t have to pay your voice actor for that!”
Spike looked at the pink mare. “Pinkie, are you off your meds again?”
She thought about it. “Probably!”
In the distance, the dance continued.
“Who’s got the butt?” Applejack called out.
“Butt butt!” the other mares sang in unison.
“Sweet sarsaparilla!” Applejack counterpointed.
“Smack that booty!”
“Ah need it bad!”
“Give it to her!”
“Make my jello jiggle!”
Twilight covered her face. This was not happening. This was probably the diseased imagination of some freak somewhere and she was entirely too meta with her existence at the moment.
Rarity, continuing to watch the celebration with interest, now broke out a pair of binoculars. “Oooh!” she squealed. “Now you’re in for a real treat! I wonder who will be the shaker maker this year?”
“The what?”
“Oh, c’mon, Twi,” Spike said. “I thought you knew everything!”
Twilight rubbed her horn; the headache she felt was starting to grow. Being an alicorn was definitely not a thrill sometimes.
“I wonder if it will be Rainbow? She’s done it before.”
“No, she’s out of town training with the Wonderbolts for the past couple of weeks, remember?”
“That’s true. Well, what about Big Mac? He’s always been enthusiastic about it.”
Pinkie shook her head. “No, he’s not allowed to do it anymore, not after—” Pinkie’s eyes went wide and she immediately shut up.
“Why isn’t Big Mac allowed to do it anymore?”
Rarity looked at him. “You’re too young to understand.”
“Some things should just stay in the family!” Pinkie stated, then shut up again, covering her mouth this time.
A confused Spike just wondered.
Twilight’s jaw hit the floor.
“Don’t worry, we got her adequate therapy. I think she’s over it. Mostly,” Rarity mused.
“Butt!”
“Butt butt!”
“Butt! Butt! Butt!”
“Swing them cheeks!”
“Somepony kill me now,” Twilight asked.
“Didn’t you die to become an alicorn, Twi?” Spike asked.
“Somepony make it permanent this time.”
Continuing to look out the binoculars, Rarity’s brows shot up. “Oh my, how did they talk her into it?”
Coming out of the Apple Family barn and wearing a gimp mask and fetish gear, a familiar butter yellow pony walked out, carrying a large wooden paddle. Pointing at Applejack’s twerking form, Fluttershy shouted in a stentorian voice, “THIS BUTT IS MINE!”
Pinkie brought out her own binoculars. “Ooooh! Oak paddle! Nice choice,” she stated.
“I agree. I’m certainly glad that she went with that over the pine I used last year,” Rarity commented. “Applejack told me that left splinters and she couldn’t sit down for days.”
Twilight’s eyes nearly bugged out at that. Covering her ears, she said, “I can’t hear any more of this, not hearing it, lalalalalala!”
Spike borrowed Pinkie’s binoculars. “What’s the whip for?”
The young dragon was immediately teleported to his room in the castle.
Rarity looked at her, astonished. “Why, Twilight Sparkle! I am shocked! Shocked, I say! For somepony as knowledgeable as you to ruin a young dragon’s curiosity when trying to learn about this local tradition!”
“This isn’t a tradition!” Twilight argued. “This is a…a…I don’t know what to call it, but I don’t want Spike exposed to this!”
Pinkie tut-tutted. “Oh, Twi, it’s just a harmless thing. Nothing to get worked up about.”
Fluttershy got behind Applejack’s twerking butt. Raising the paddle to the air, she called out, “SPREAD THESE BABIES!”
“Butt! Butt! Butt!” the mares continued, prancing around the pair while twerking for all they were worth.
With that, Fluttershy swung away with the paddle with abandon, striking against orange fur. “SING THE SONG!”she ordered.
Applejack winced, but complied.
“I got a butt butt butt butt butt
It’s the buttiest butt
That ever did butt
It’s the juiciest butt that ever did butt
And it’s all yours!
“These apples are so red and fresh
Filled with flesh
To refresh
They’re the juiciest cheeks that ever did squeak
And they’re all yours!”
Twilight glared. “Enough of this! I don’t know what’s going on, but this is…this is…I don’t have any words for it! Have you all lost your minds?”
Rarity sat up and glared crossly at her friend. “And you’re supposed to be the Princess of Friendship! And here you are, refusing to support your friend and instead you’re making snide remarks about our town’s traditions! I’m ashamed of you, Twilight!”
“And that goes for me, too!” Pinkie agreed. “Twi, you’re being silly about this – and believe me, I know silly!”
“But she—”
“SAY IT!”
“You’re the Lord of My Butt! You’re the Lord of My Butt!”
“Butt! Butt! Butt!”
This was too much for the young alicorn. Shocked beyond her core, she did the only thing left that made sense to her: she passed out.
Twilight Sparkle finally came to in her room. “Ugh…it was just a weird dream,” she said, sitting up and pulling the bedsheets off her. Her mind suddenly changed on this thought when she realized her friends were there, all looking at her.
Rarity’s face was uneasy. “I’m…sorry, Twilight, dear,” she said. “I should have let you know about the festival in advance. I’ve lived here for so long that I forget that it’s easy for ponies not brought up in the local culture to misunderstand things and thus….” She shrugged.
Pinkie’s hair was wilted, but she went over and glomped Twilight, tears running down her cheeks. “Oh, Twi! I forgot about my first time too, so I’m really to blame!” she moaned. “I hope you can forgive us!”
Fluttershy, back to her normal (lack of) attire, stood there as well. “I’m to blame as well. I’m still not quite used to it, but Applejack is a friend and said that she couldn’t turn to anypony else for help.” The shy pegasus hid behind her hair and said, “Even though I didn’t like it, I thought it was important to help a friend.”
“No, it’s my fault, girls,” Twilight said sadly, shaking her head. “You’ve all been here longer than I have and have acclimated to the local customs, but that’s still no excuse for my behavior. I should have been there to help and support Applejack but I wasn’t. And I’m sorry. I need to apologize to her.”
“Well, I’m sure she’ll understand,” Rarity said. “As it is, she’s busy with part two of the tradition, and so she and Big Mac will be busy for a while.”
Twilight’s hackles started radiating again. “Big…Mac?”
“Well of course, darling. He is an Apple, after all. I mean, they haven’t had their two children yet, so it would be unfair of him to go anywhere else right now.”
“Wait – what?” Twilight, ever the thinker, put two and two together. “Wait, I thought Apple Bloom was—”
Rarity laughed it off. “Oh, that’s just something they tell the children until they’re ready. It’s why I didn’t say anything to Spike.” She sighed. “Though, if Applejack has another filly, I could be waiting some time before I come up on the optional list.”
Pinkie looked at her friend. “Have you asked your dad?”
“He told me that after Sweetie Belle was born, he didn’t feel like having children anymore. He did say, however, that he had an affair a couple of decades back and that Goldengrape is my older half-brother, so I need to talk to him soonest.”
“Lucky you. I asked my dad and he said I needed to burn in Tartarus like the whorse I am.” Pinkie scoffed. “No sense of tradition. So far, I’ve been trying to find if I have any male cousins, but no luck. I might just have to go with Cheese Sandwich after all,” she said morosely.
Rarity patted her friend on the withers. “Maybe you’ll luck out, dear. You never know.”
“Better than me,” Fluttershy sighed. “My brother’s only got eyes for Rainbow, as opposed to where he should, you know? And I’ve been trying to get his attention ever since he last came to visit.”
Twilight looked at all of her friends as if they’d gone completely insane. “Wait – are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”
“Of course we are!” Fluttershy said with a smile. “Applejack’s fertility ritual went off wonderfully, and we have to plan our own. We’ll be happy to help you with yours as well.”
“That was a fertility ritual? I thought that was a harvest thing, like for zap apples?”
Pinkie looked at Twilight oddly. “Uh, Twi? Why would fruit need some sort of weird dance and ritual? They grow normally! No, that was Granny Smith’s annual attempt at her fertility rite, but she thinks Big Mac didn’t perform as expected. Hate to be the one to tell her she’s past her prime.”
Twilight’s creep sense started going off. “But…but…but….”
Rarity laughed, as if wondering how her friend could be so mistaken. “Of course, darling – as a young mare, don’t you wish for a foal of your own?” Then it hit Rarity. “Oh, that’s correct: your brother married Princess Cadance. Pity. Well, I would say Spike, but I don’t know if ponies and dragons are compatible and in any case it would weaken the bloodline.”
“Bloodlines?”
“Yupparooni!” Pinkie agreed. “Trust me, I thought that it was weird and icky, too. But then Granny Smith explained everything to me and I felt soooo better.” She thought about it a second. “Wait – I just remembered! I’m part of the Apple family, so I can just get with Mac! Yup! The bloodline is secure and we can fix the population imbalance!”
“Wait, is this what all of this is about? Bloodlines?”
“Of course, dear!” Rarity stated. “Everypony knows that ponies are on the verge of dying, because there are so many mares to stallions, and the imbalance just keeps getting larger. But Granny Smith told us that if we keep the bloodlines pure, we have a greater chance of birthing stallions, so ponykind can thrive!”
“That’s not how this works!That’s not how any of this works!” Twilight shouted. “And the population crisis is a myth, for crying out loud! There are whole towns in the west that are full of stallions begging for mares to move there!”
“Surely you jest,” Rarity stated. “If that was the case, I would have met somepony by now.”
“She’s just messing with us because she’s a princess and she’s not used to the way things need to be,” Pinkie told her friends. “Maybe we should have Granny Smith give her the special explanation? Maybe she’ll even make some of her special tea!”
“That sounds lovely,” Fluttershy said, “though for some reason after I drink it I always end up going after the first stallion I see. I’m always afraid I’m going to ruin the bloodline.”
“Well, just don’t forget to snuff out the impure,” Rarity said. “Only pure bloodlines can save our species.”
This isn’t real, Twilight told herself over and over again. Inbreeding? Bloodlines? Granny Smith orchestrating it all? This has to be one big joke, it has to be!
Just then, Rainbow burst into the room. “Girls, I did it!”
“Oh, so you got with Soarin’?” Rarity asked. “Congratulations.”
Twilight looked at Rainbow. “Rainbow, something weird is going on!” she said.
“Yeah, no kidding,” Rainbow scoffed. “At first I thought that Soarin’ qualified, being my cousin and all, but then I found out he was adopted. No ruining the bloodline for me! So I took Granny’s special drink and gave to my uncle and it’s been two weeks of absolute bliss!” She grinned. “I think I’m going to have twins!”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?”
“Seriously, Twi? You have that brother of yours and—”
“She doesn’t understand,” Rarity stated.
“She’s still used to the outsider ways,” Fluttershy added.
“Well, c’mon then! Let’s get her over to Granny Smith’s for the special lecture! And then somepony call Shining and tell him he needs to get here stat! The sooner we get them going, the happier Twi will be, right?”
“Right!” the other girls cheered.
Twilight’s eye twitched.
“So, not that I mind you staying with me, Twi,” Sunset Shimmer said as she pulled out the sleeping bag in her loft for Twilight, “but how long are you going to be here?”
Twilight gave an awkward smile. “Uh…about a thousand years? The Princess thanked me for finding the source of the old ‘population crisis’ myth and for breaking up an inbreeding cult, but she wasn’t happy about how I took care of it. Something about how the Princess of Magic isn’t supposed to cause a nuclear detonation in the middle of her hometown or something. So I’m exiled until the population forgets about ‘Midnight Sparkle’ or whatever they’re calling me now.”
“I see,” Sunset said, having been sent a message via the diary the day before. “Well, you’re my friend, so you’re welcome to stay here as long as you like. I already talked to Principal Celestia and she said you can start school on Monday, and they’ll have to figure out how to tell the difference between you and the local Twilight.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Twilight said, depressed. She loved her friends dearly, but the only way to save them from the cult had been to do what she did. She wasn’t proud of it, but when she found out that Granny Smith had been a secret Sombra worshipper and had hatched a long-term plan to bring him back via black magic and the darkest of bloodlines, well….
There was a knock at Sunset’s door, and a second later, Applejack came in. “Hey, Sunset, y’ were right!” the farmgirl said. “All I had t’ do was get all sexy an’ Big Mac and I just…well, now I gotta worry if we had protection.”
Twilight looked at Applejack, screamed, and ran out the door.
“What the hell’s with her?” Applejack asked. “You’d think she’d be happy I got a boyfriend.”
Sunset sighed. “AJ, did it ever occur to you that your boyfriend Cheesy Macaroni having the same nickname as your brother might cause some confusion?”
Author's Note
Blue Bastard
Today at 5:29 PM
TIL Wolf endorses the Apple Fertility Ritual
Shinzakura
Today at 5:29 PM
Wolf: Decider of Worthiness of Butt Dances.
So, Wolf: Oak, elm or birch? Clearly not pine, as it leaves splinters.
And what exactly is the whip for anyway?
WhitewolfStormrunner
Today at 5:42 PM
Birch.
And wouldn't you like to know?
