One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

by Short Story

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 3011

Fluttershy vs Berrypunch, the local town drunk, to a drinking game. Who will win?

Fluttershy is the Element of Kindness.

Sweet. Quiet. Emotionally Fragile.

So when she finds herself in a bar, against the hardest drinking mare this side of Manehatten, she'll have to hike up her boots is she even wants to try her wits at drinking this brand of mouthwash.

Applejack on the other hand, is less than thrilled.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-28 09:14:01 UTC

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer

"How long she been at it?" Applejack said, eye twitching. She could feel a headache already brewing.

Shrugging, Rainbow Dash drained her glass of Appleloosa whiskey before slamming it against the bar. "I don't know. Went to take a leak and when I came back she was already into her third shot"

"Third! Why in tarnation didn't ya stop her!"

"Oh c'mon AJ. She's Fluttershy, let her live on the wild side.”

"That's what I'm afraid of..."

A crowed had gathered around a few tables that had been pushed together to accommodate the growing number of empty bottles. Fluttershy, the normally quiet and reserved pegasus, was holding up a shot glass. At the rooting of other patrons, she gulped down another dose of amber liquid.

Sitting across the table, a cherry red mare was giving the delicate flower the stink eye.

Throwing her hooves up, she got the crowed going before taking two shots for her own and dumping them into her mouth at once. Wiping her chin, Berry Punch was pleased as her namesake. Her little display got enough cat calls to quantify.

So that's the game they were playing, huh.

Winking, the Element of Kindness’s head was already swimming nicely in a pool of intoxicating beverages. Enough to make an alcoholic jealous.

Oh right; that was the point wasn’t it?

Grabbing a mug mid sip from some poor stallion, Fluttershy held it up for all to see. In one fell swoop it was gone. With a little hiccup she chuckled.

There was a collective “Awww”

The pony's who drink was stolen whimpered; teary eyed as the cup was handed back over. He was patted on the back for his generous loss.

Berry gladly accepted the challenge.

Did this little pipsqueak even know who she was?  Her name was infamous for one reason. The one reason she had a fan club for.

No hero, model, or personal friend of some namby-pamby princess was about to change that.

This might have started as two ponies having a nice chat , one of then treating the other to a exciting new indulgence, but Berry wasn’t about to let some baby faced pony off the street one up her tonight.

Berry called over the bartender. Grabbing his ear she whispered something. Giving a sly smile, the unicorn asked her if she was sure. Nodding, he was back within ten second flat with some of the hardest legal drinks the bar carried.

There were a few ooh and aahs as the dangerous labels were read off.

Quarray Eel Ale

Chaos Chasers

Philomena Fire Brandy

Just to name a few of the lighter liquors of course.

The crowed cheered as the local drunk took the first without hesitation. “Take that!”

All eyes were on the yellow mare who sat silently, fiddling with her mane. Would she take the bait?

Fluttershy gave a sweet little smile. She stopped for a moment to test the waters, gingerly bringing one of the drinks to her mouth.

She was done with one and finishing off another with a satisfying lick before anypony could question if she was man enough.

Astonished, there was no doubt this little filly was made of sterner stuff.

Rainbow was holding her sides from laughter. Clapping her hooves together she gave a little shout. "Look at them go!"

"We should do something." Applejack sighed, rubbing her temples.

Taking these two with her for a late night apple fritter delivery had to be one of the worst ideas she ever had. Turning her back on them, Rainbow Dash to be more precise, was the fatal flaw that ended up with the group in a bar on the lower end of Ponyville.

Berrypunch was grinding her teeth. Oh no she didn’t!

Trying to keep a cool outer composure, she was struck with a truly evil idea. Fixing her eyes on a victim, she started flirting with an okay looking stallion. He wasn’t much to look at, but she had done way worse in her time. Taking one of the bottles she funneled it down his throat. She then sealed his mouth shut with a kiss.

His eyes started to water almost instantly, waving his hooves in a vain attempt to escape the cruel maneuver. When he looked close to passing out, Berry let the poor sap go.

He ran, screaming, from the bar.

With a toothy grin she turned to everyone “Lightweight.”

The bar erupted with applause that shook the very foundation of the little dive.

The vibe coming from inside was bringing in curious ponies right off the streets.

Rainbow Dash dove into the air, wondering what Fluttershy’s reaction would be. Applejack lost sight of the pegasi, having to climb onto the counter to see over the increasing swarm. She wasn’t about to lose them again.

Spotting her, Rainbow called out. “C’mon Fluttershy! When challenged to a duel, show them who rules!

Giving a slightly wavering air hoofbump, Fluttershy tapped her head, looking very cute as she did so. Where had she heard that before?

Then, with the help of a few gentlecolts who still had the courage to stick around, Fluttershy was helped up onto one of the tables. Taking two bottles, she held them with her wings before taking two more. Twirling around she held them out for all to see.

“That’s it!” Rainbow encouraged. “Give old drunky a run for her bits!”

In record time, Fluttershy downed the first two. Throwing them into the crowd, one was caught but the other wasn’t as lucky as it crashed off the wall next to Applejack. Before the farm pony could say anything about it the other bottles had been flung into the air, caught, and bone dry long before there could be a proper reaction.

Lights popped on in houses all over the area as the noise level increased tenfold.

Yelling her voice horse, Applejack was barking at Rainbow Dash to get down. She had had enough of this stupidity. Somepony, most likely herself, was going to get hurt it this wasn’t stopped. Even the bartended wasn’t realizing how dangerous this show was, too busy pedaling drinks back and forth.

By itself, the building capacity must be way pass mark.

Somewhere, somepony had gotten there hands on the music system cranking up the bass till it was peeling wallpaper. The music ran right through your stomach. It was like someone had turned a dishwasher into a freakin stereo.

Berrypunch was pulling her mane out. Impossible, she thought. She was loosing. She had only ever lost a drinking game once in her life. Once! She rather never speak of it again, a sore subject indeed. But among hundreds, maybe thousands of these battles her opponent was curled up sleeping in there own vomit by now.

This was maddening to the earth pony that was being crushed at her own talent. For Celestia’s sake she had waited until her twenty-first birthday for the taunts of blank flank to finally end!

The unspeakable, untouchable big guns were the last things in her corner that could stand a chance of saving her reputation. If that’s what it was going to take Berrypunch was more than willing. “Flair Ale! Get your flank over here!”

“Damn it girl! Don’t you see I’m making a killing right now! What you want!

“I want IT! Bring me IT!”

“Whoa, are you crazy! You saw what happened to the last mare who tried that stuff. Her eyes! Did you see her eyes!” Flair Ale shivered. “I still have the nightmares!”

Having enough of this wimp’s talk, Berrypunch grabbed the barkeep by the shirt color, shaking him as she yelled over the music. “I don’t care how much your therapist is making off of you! You bring me what I want right now or by the end of this night I will make it my agenda to see that you become a gelding! You hear me!”

The whole time as he had been trying to free himself, dangling in the air under the drunken grip of the mare, Flair Ale was too terrified to listen. The last sentence sunk home though. Violently nodding yes, he was dropped.

Jumping to his hooves, he raced into the back storage area. Taking the key that he kept hidden under his clothes, he unlocked the basement’s cellar door.

He had been told never to open it, but here he was, the second time in his life disobeying that order.

“Her funeral” he mumbled as he descended down the pitch black stairs.

Back where the party was in full swing, Fluttershy was downing a whole keg to the tune of “Chug! Chug! Chug!” on repeat.

As soon as it was empty, the inebriated pegasus rolled off onto the floor giggling like some dumb Flight School wannabe cheerleader who just got a jock’s attention. It was sickening to watch.

Even Rainbow Dash was growing concerned for her friend’s wellbeing. All this booze on someone who would turn down soda because she was afraid it would make her burp; no way was this going to end without a hospital visit.

Diving in, Rainbow beat her way though the mass of ponies till she came upon a yellow and pink lump rolling around on the ground. “Uncool.” She muttered, disappointed in herself for having dragged another of her friends on a wild misadventure.

A swinging door slammed against the wall silencing the room. All attention was on Flair Ale, as he reentered carefully guiding a gold plated tray with two ornately adorned tankards. He was keeping it a fair distance from himself with his magic. His legs felt like they were about to shatter under the painstakingly difficult task of not spilling on single drop.

The crowed parted like the red seas as he walked forward, eyes unable to peel themselves away from the strange bumbling, oozing concoction of rainbow colored slime. Just being in the proximity of it made ponies’ manes frizz up.

When somepony suddenly sneezed, glares bore into him. They gave their best apologetic smile before makeing a beeline for the door.

Flair Ale pulled himself together after the scare, checked the tray, and marched on like a solider headed for battle.

Gingerly placing the drinks down, no one seemed to want to be in a ten meter radius of those things.

Only Berrypunch, with it now right under her nose, was willing to sit before it. But by the sweat growing on her brow, would she drink it was another issue altogether.

Having to sign a waiver didn’t instill any confidence, that’s for sure.

A few ponies tried placing bets, two brothers who had been hiding in the crowed up till now, but were hushed. Cursing their luck once more, they became faceless once again in the crowd.

This wasn’t the time or place for that junk.

Here was some serious business that deserved some form of derange respect.

Respect that Berrypunch had been clawing for all night.

It didn’t belong to her though, but instead to what she was about to willingly consume.

To say she was having second thoughts would be a huge underestimate. Being sent to the moon seemed more pleasant then having to drink IT.

Now while everyone was very busy being thoroughly distracted, Applejack had pushed her way to the front of the crowed, discovering Rainbow Dash trying to drag the limp blob of pony flesh that was supposed to be Fluttershy.

She was in a bad way.

Even Prince Blueblood wouldn’t touch her at this point, and that was saying something.

“Oh Sugarcube….”

Without any more words the two friends each took one of Fluttershy’s arms, slung them over their shoulders and started hauling her to the door. They could have made a clean getaway, everypony staring at those drinks like they were a million bits between the claws of discord himself. If only, if only by some miracle, Applejack hadn’t caught the glimpse of something spark colors out of the corner of her eye.

“By Luna’s mane, no…..”  Throwing Fluttershy at Rainbow Dash, Applejack charged back in, franticly trying to once again plow her way through the crowed.

“Thanks” Rainbow garbled out, crushed under the dead weight.

Tapping her hoof nervously against the grain of the wood table, Berrypunch was biding her time. She was in a grave predicament with all escape routes blocked. If she didn’t perform, her reputation was in the gutter.

She had spent many nights calling that a bed already.

“Now or never” She whispered, trying to win herself over into thinking it was no big deal.

Taking the tankard between both hooves, she picked it up, amazed at how lightweight it was. It seemed even worst now, the bizarre drink entering into a whole new level of insanity.

If she did this, not one pony after tonight would dare question her drinking skills. Her very talent!

Closing her eyes, Berrypunch only had one thing to say as the rim of the pitcher met her lips. “Through the teeth, over the tongue, look out stomach, here it comes.”

The music died instantly, violently, sending a loud screeching shrill into eardrums across the bar. Ponies ducked under chairs and into potted plants from the fright.

Applejack pulled her hoof out of the innards of a large stereo which was dying with one long last defiant hiss.

She could have killed herself if the damn thing hadn’t been messed with magic earlier in the night to make it so loud, accidently creating a cushion against the electric flow.

She hadn’t known that.

Her only initiative was to stop Berrypunch from taking one sip of that demon water.

With everyone interest directed at her now, Applejack stared at Berrypunch, the drink frozen in front of her face.

“Now, do y’all know what you have there?”

By the dumfounded looks, Applejack guessed not.

“Well let me tell y’all something. Long time ago, my family fooled around in the drinking business. It’s why we’ve got that cider we do now.”

There were a few nods of recognition.

“When my Granny Smith was just a filly, her family was indebted to the Princess. Princess Celestia I mean, seeing as there are now two of them running round. When she got word of the moonshine she requested something be made just for her.”

She started to trot forward; making eye contact with anyone she passed by.

“I guess being immortal and all, the regular stuff just doesn’t cut it. So my ancestors came up with something that only was fit for the likes of her. Something that would make a timberwolf run with its tail between its legs, and Tartarus shut its gates.

No creature other then Celestia could dare flavor it if they wanted to keep there head screwed on straight.

Those that have, at best I reckon live difficult, but good lives. Others aren’t so lucky. Y’all be surprised how many ponies in the madhouse got themselves there because of this stuff”

Berrypunch distance the pitcher from herself, terrified it might go off like a bomb.

“They had an interesting name for it too. Got the Princess’s seal of approval believe it or not. It was called….”

Taking a lesson from Rarity’s playbook, Applejack paused for theatrics.  She was about to drill into these pea sized brains a horror that would follow them all into eternity.

“Molestia’s Revenge”

Ponies just about trampled each other trying to get out, the near mention of that legendary name inciting fear beyond comprehension. Sure enough, some even peed themselves or downright fainted.

Berrypunch was the only one left at the table when the orange farm pony leaned a elbow down, resting her head.

“So sugarcube, want to wager how much of that you can drink. Thousand bits says you can’t even take a taste.”

Looking to the cup, then to Applejack, then back to the cup, Berrypunch placed it down. It wasn’t worth it.

Applejack smiled.

“I-I won!” Fluttershy hollered, before vomiting on Rainbow Dash’s mane, adding a whole new level to the rainbow. The sickened pony then promptly passed out again, leaving her drowned friend shuddering.

“I think I deserved that.”

Laughing, Applejack was caught off guard by the clanking of metal.

It was empty.

The whole tankard dried!

“You didn’t….”  AJ was dumfounded

Grinning, Berry held out her hoof. “Now, how about my moooonnnnyzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Staring into a flash grenade didn’t even compare to the sudden burst of light Berrypunch was greeted with. Her whole world seemed to explode, her throat burning as if she had just swallowed the sun whole.

Then it stopped.

From out of the lights a figure approached. Elegant and graceful in its soundless movements. It tried to speak sweet nothings to the little pony, but it came out as the sound of angels dancing on lyres. Leaning in close, only its smile was visible.

A wide mischievous smile.

No one could hear the silent screams.

* * * * * * *

Fluttershy woke with a groan, her eyes stinging at the slivers of afternoon sun drifting into her cottage. Her brain felt like someone had let Gilda play hoofball with it. Rolling over she was met with the face of an incredibly angry little fuzzball.

Blinking, Fluttershy was startled.

“Angel? What’s wrong?”

The little rabbit pointed to a note taped to her chest.

Dear Fluttershy,

Stay indoors. Me and the girls will take care of this mess.

Ps. The doctors say Berrypunch will live.

Pss. You’re also banned from drinking in Equestria.

Love,

Applejack ( & RD )

~ Authors Note ~

This was my first fan fiction.

I hope it was enjoyable to read, but even I’m not blind that I need some major improvement. I would love for creative criticism so in the future I could hone my skills to create truly wonderful adventures for these characters that have grown dear to me.

Just look at how horrible I butchered Applejack’s accent.

In the end, it also starred more of Berrypunch then Fluttershy. Go figure.