Ponies go to North Korea

by Rallag

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure
Length: 1835

Or, "Equine Misadventures in the Glorious People's Democratic Republic"

Or, "Equine Misadventures in the Glorious Democratic People's Republic"

Remember kids, friendship is absolutely mandatory.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-06 19:50:02 UTC

A Different Sort of Adventure

Ponies go to North Korea

"States like these and their terrifyingly cool allies constitute an axis of awesome, rocking out to enhance the peace and overall awesomeness of the world."

-George W Bush

Warning: This parody makes reference to a variety of racial stereotypes. If you are offended by others making light of minority oppression,  check your taking offence privilege.

It was a rainy Tuesday morning, about as exciting as Tuesday ever gets, when Kim Jong-un had his greatest idea yet. But before we get into that, we must first set the scene.

Kim Jong-un was bored. The Supreme Leader of North Korea sat in his favorite armchair next to his favorite table, nursing his favorite brand of coffee in chubby fingers and contemplating the banning of Tuesdays.

He had checked and double-checked his schedule. Today was completely lacking in things to do. No petty politics to partake in, no state visits to make threats of nuclear destruction to foreign dignitaries during, and worst of all- absolutely no state executions. In fact, there were no state executions scheduled until next week!

Since landing in power after the death of his father last year, he had made the point of having state executions a bi-monthly event to keep the pesky citizenry in line. The downside of this being they only occurred on Thursdays and Sundays during the last week of the month. This was a crying shame and an affront to all connoisseurs of good state-sanctioned murder everywhere. He  would have to get it changed sometime.

Stretching stunted limbs from his position on the luxurious chair, the despotic midget feigned a long, drawn-out yawn of boredom. A moment later he called out, seemingly to himself as there was no one else present. "Hey! Chung! Get your razy ass rover here and ring me the remote!"

For a couple of seconds it would seem the squeaky Korean's request went unanswered, until a scantily clad young woman appeared, seemingly out of thin air. She carried with her a solid gold serving tray balanced precariously on one hand, on it lay a small electronic device with a multitude of buttons. Carefully she placed it atop the lavish mahogany side-table, then took a couple steps back and bowed deeply.

"Do you require anything else, oh wise and magnificent one? He who causes the mightiest of earthquakes, produces the most bountiful of harvests, hel-"

"Shurrup woman! I do not not pay you to ralk rith me! Now get out of my rite!"

The women momentarily flinched, and the atmosphere in the room visibly tensed. Kim briefly considered ordering a surprise state execution just for her, but the grovelling and the look of pure fear she was giving him while slowly walking away was satisfying enough for the short-in-stature tyrant.

(Publishers note: For the above line and similarly despicable insults maliciously placed throughout this text aimed at defaming our glorious leader, the author of this text was awarded with a state execution.)

Kim Jong-un, all-powerful protector of the Korean people, turned his attention back to the 90 inch Samsung plasma screen/home cinema setup that dominated the entire opposite wall. Absent-mindfully flicking through channels he had exclusive access to he came across his favorite, the children's network "The Hub". Much to his chagrin it was currently showing Barney and friends, and not his all-time favorite show "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic".

Once upon a time he had ruminated over the idea of kidnapping Lauren Faust and the voice actors working on the show in order to act out some of the clopfics he had written in his younger years, but one adviser had told him that this ingenious ploy might cause an international incident.

That adviser was given a state execution for his troubles.

Even so he didn't go through with the idea, but that didn't stop him watching reruns of My Little Pony for hours on end. The show embodied the core values of his beloved North Korea: hard work for the greater good of the collective, lack of free choice in careers, and most importantly unquestioning obedience to the omnibenevolent autocratic state. All in a child-friendly, exceedingly colorful and mindbogglingly cute format. In fact, Kim wouldn't have been surprised at all if he were to find out that Equestria was actually based off of Korea: they were both prosperous and peaceful nations built around principles of self reliance and moral strength.

It was after this brief half-hour of contemplation Kim Jong-un had his greatest idea yet.  If he couldn't enslave the humans working on the show- primarily due to fear of UN retaliation -why not kidnap the ponies instead? There would be no silly repercussions like trade embargoes and best of all, he could meet/enslave his favorite multicolored equines in the flesh!

Clapping his hand together he shot up from his relaxed position on the seat and rushed towards the intercom. "Hey Shin, ro something ruseful for ronce and get me my rinister of inter-dimensional ravel and free rhought repression!"

There was a few tense moments of static before a disembodied voice replied in a similarly ridicolous accent characterized by an excessive use of "r"; often a hallmark of those trying to be funny with a hilarious stereotype: "Res Mr Kim of rourse sir."

It was a beautiful Tuesday morning in all the lands ruled by Celestia, wherein Twilight and co were enjoying a picnic in the Ponyville park and catching up on an assortment of informal matters. It was just a friendly meet up; banter was thrown back and forth and frivolous gossip exchanged.

It was not long before the topic of conversation came upon Twilight's continuing studies, at which point Rainbow Dash started to snore softly, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie looked genuinely interested, Rarity pretended to be interested, and Applejack had no idea what anypony was saying. Experts speculate that  brains of the "Apple" variety of multicolored equine possesses functions that shut off non-crucial memory neurons whenever someone began to orate on a topic unrelated to the fruit  'Malus Domestica.'

"Hey girls, did I tell you about the pioneering research Princess Celestia has commissioned me to do? On inter-dimensional travel of all things! But who am I to argue against the princess- she's a princess after all." Twilight with a large, unconvincing smile. It was only then Spike choose to appear and serve as a minor catalyst to the story's plot.

"Yes Twi, you've said that three times in the past 4 minutes. Did miss the last time we told you we didn't care?"

"Shutup Spike, did I give you permission to leave the library? Now go busy yourself with some mundane and pointless task like cleaning, while the big ponies talk. Or I'll throw you out on the street with Scootaloo."

A thoroughly reproached young dragon gave a sullen look and trotted off in the opposite direction. Twilight watched until she was satisfied with his distance, then turned back to her friends."

"Anyway so what I thou-"

Rainbow lazily opened one eye to look at the purple unicorn, then interrupted her. "Don't you think you're being a little harsh on the kid Twilight? Not that I care, it's jus-"

"Rainbow, let me ask you something. Have you ever had a slave? No- oh you can't afford one? Shame. I don't tell you how to...how to nap all day ...or whatever else it is you pegasi do in your free time, so you don't tell me how to treat my slaves."

The pegasus in question looked to give a snarky retort to this, but thought better of it. Instead Twilight heard her mutter something about "high horse" and "a phallus attached to the skull".

"Anyway, before I was so rudely uninterrupted, I was telling you about what I've been doing all week. You probably wouldn't understand the specifics, being dirt ponies and all" She ignored Rarity's look of protest to being labelled as such "and I don't have the energy to explain it to you anyway. Suffice to say I have constructed a bridge to another dimension and am now attempting to establish diplomatic relations with the world known as North-Core-ea, a nation which encompasses a whole planet, and who I've been assured by Princess Celestia are perfectly amicable and reasonable ponies. Now all I need is one of you 5 -being expendable but also trustworthy- to enter through my portal and make first contact. This is non-negotiable and the only alternative is a long holiday on the moon, but I have decided to let you nominate one pony via democratic process."

Somehow Applejack awoke from her apple-deprived stupor to interject  "Wait an apple-bucking minute sugarcube, ah never agreed ta any of this!"

"Sorry Applejack, but there are no apples on the moon."

There was a sudden flash of bright purple light and the space between Rarity and Fluttershy was suddenly lacking an orange cowpony, and the moon had gained something that looked suspiciously like the shadow of a stetson on its surface. It was all cool though, she was quickly replaced by another background pony equally devoid of any personality or interesting character traits.

"Hello and welcome Luna, as I was just explaining to the others before little miss 'contracts are usually voluntary' over there interrupted me, you have been chosen for a mission to serve the greater good of Equestria, which will almost certainly leave you stranded on a potentially hostile world with no hope of ever returning."

Twilight was only stopped in her spiel when she realized the dark-blue alicorn had turned a bright shade of crimson and was shaking in rage.

"TWILIGHT. WE DEMAND TO KNOW  THE MEANING OF THIS TREACHERY. HOW DARE YOU SUMMONTH US DURING OUR NAP. OUR SISTER WILL BE INFORMED OF THIS."

At this Twilight smirked quite jewishly: "Oh but goyim, Celestia already knows."

With that there was a second purple flash of light, and before she was able to gasp in horror, the raiser of the moon and mistress of the night was trussed up like a turkey, writhing furiously but seemingly unable to escape the bonds that looked suspiciously like they were comprised of sunlight. Twilight turned back to address her friends.

"Ahem, yes, Celestia sent me these magically enhanced unbreakable bonds in advance, evidently suspecting her sister wouldn't be entirely compliant. Any other objections?"

The remaining elements that hadn't ended up on a different astral body shook their heads with great enthusiasm.

Twilight's horn lit up and she scrunched her face in an momentary expression of concentration. Once satisfied that the spell was mentally prepared, she cast portal in the appearance of a plain wooden door with slight purple luminescence, and proceeded to unceremoniously chuck Luna through it.

"The rest of you- follow" they hesitated,"c'mon, I haven't got all day."

They shuffled through the door one by one, crossing through a barrier that offered only slight resistance to their advance.

Now they were on a different plane of existence, but all Rarity could see was mud.