Rainbow Dash cried in pain and tried once more to tug at her injured wing which was trapped fast under the cold, hard boulder. “It’s not fair!” she gasped, flopping down in defeat, staring up at the cold night sky and preparing to die. The only noise was the wind whistling through Ghastly Gorge, like a mocking laughter cackling all around.
“How could this happen to the same pony twice?” Rainbow Dash gave another pained pull at her wing, to no avail. She had been practising her flying through this dangerous terrain when a freak rock fall had knocked her to the ground and trapped her wing. Again. “Curse you, rock, curse you!” she swore, punching it as hard as she could with her forehoof. The large brown rock stayed silent, slowly crushing the life out of her wing.
“I don’t want to die here!” she wailed to the heavens. Her voice was already hoarse from shouting; nopony would come and rescue her, not this late at night. She was doomed. “Someone, anyone! Save me!”
“I’ll save you!” A strange booming reply rang out, causing Rainbow Dash to crane her neck up painfully to look about. There was no-one there though, only rocks. With a sudden rumble like thunder another rock tumbled down the side of the gorge towards her. “Avalanche!” she screamed helplessly, trying to shield her face for all the good it would do her.
The rock spun down the crevasse, skipping and bouncing towards Rainbow Dash, who gritted her teeth, steeling herself for the end. It didn’t come. The rock collided with the boulder pinning her wing, sending it flying like a billiard ball.
“I… I’m free?” She slowly sat up with a wince, looking down at her tattered wing. It was squashed badly, but nothing she hadn’t handled before. She looked around for her mysterious rescuer, seeing only the walls of the gorge, dappled blue by the moonlight. “Thank you!” She called out. “Whoever you are!”
“That’s okay Rainbow Dash! But you must leave, you’re in great danger!”
Rainbow Dash turned, mouth agape at the source of the voice. There was no denying it – that strong, booming tone came from the rock that had tumbled down the cliff. A strangely familiar rock…
“Tom?” She gasped in recognition. There was no other explanation – it was Tom the rock, Rarity’s once-friend. “You… you can talk?”
“Of course Rainbow Dash!” The rock vibrated slightly as it spoke, Rainbow Dash sidling up to it staring with unbridled curiosity. “But my name is not Tom.”
Rainbow Dash leapt back with a squeal as the rock started to shudder and shake before suddenly exploding upwards as it seemed to open up, panels sliding back to reveal gleaming metal limbs until before her towered a large humanoid creature, half rock, half metal. “My name is Prince Boulder!” the rock announced. “I am a Rock Lord!”
“Is that like a Transformer?” Rainbow Dash’s eyes sparkled with excitement.
Prince Boulder frowned. “…S-sort of. We’re more like Go-B-” He trailed off, a large stubby blaster appearing in his fists as he whirled around. “You must escape, Rainbow Dash. You have found yourself in the middle of a war beyond good, beyond evil, beyond your wildest imagination!”
“I’m not scared!” Rainbow Dash puffed her chest out, but inwardly she was shaking slightly at the sudden revelations. She stretched her battered wing with a yelp.
“Die, Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow Dash and Prince Boulder turned as the brown rock that had pinned Rainbow Dash down suddenly returned with a vengeance, rolling across the flat ground like a freight train before it too transformed to reveal a powerful, stocky frame and a snarling green face. Also he had a Mohawk.
“Magmar!” Prince Boulder hissed, stepping defiantly in front of Rainbow Dash, his gun raised. “I should have known!”
“Yes, it is I, Magmar, leader of the Evil Rock Lords!” Magmar grinned, revealing razor-sharp teeth. “Step aside Boulder. The Evil League of Evil has decided that Rainbow Dash must die! She is the only one who can stop us!”
From the shadows stepped a cowled figure, followed by a dozen hovering silver robot henchmen. “Yes!” The figure cackled, raising a staff above its head. “Surrender now, or face the consequences!” A sudden flash of lightning illuminated the figure for a moment, revealing a not a face, but a yellow skull.
“Skeletor!” Boulder cried. “I should have known!” He turned to Rainbow Dash, a pleading look in his eyes. “Rainbow Dash, we’re outnumbered, you need to escape! You’re our only hope!”
“I am?” Rainbow Dash skittered backwards in shock, before shaking her head and fixing herself in a defiant pose. “Rainbow Dash doesn’t abandon friends, Boulder! Bring it on!” The two nodded between each other and raced forward into battle. Rainbow Dash headed straight for the skeleton creature, which gasped in surprise as it was knocked backwards by the force of her leap. Her victory was short lived through as a laser blast scorched through the air, hitting her straight in the back.
“Good shot, Cobra Commander!” Skeletor cackled as helmeted, blue-jacketed humanoid stalked into view.
“Indeed, Skeletor!” The figure known as Cobra Commander leaned down to study Rainbow Dash’s face, tickling a hand under her chin. “Finally, Rainbow Dash is in our evil clutches! Finally we ca-”
He was cut off as with a roar of jet engines, a large red winged chariot swooped down from the sky and snatched up the stunned Rainbow Dash from the arms of Cobra Commander. Amidst a hail of laser fire it curved back into the air, spewing out jets of flame as it roared away.
“W-where am I?” Rainbow Dash clutched her head groggily as she took in her surroundings. She was strapped down securely with a belt in a plush chair, inside some sort of metal box. Besides her was sitting another humanoid creature, this one wearing some sort of grey uniform with a large metal helmet. “He-hey!” She tugged on the belt in frustration. “Just what’s going on? Whose side are you on?”
The figure turned and gave a quick salute, before giving a sharp turn on the wheel in front of him. The metal box shifted, and from out of the window, Rainbow Dash could see they were high in the air, flying closer and closer to Ponyville.
“Don’t worry Rainbow Dash!” the figure boomed. “We’re all in this together. My name’s Matt Trakker, I work for an organisation called M.A.S.K. and this is my car, the Thunderhawk. I’ll explain more when we land!”
The Thunderhawk shifted again suddenly, and Rainbow Dash pressed her nose up against a window, seeing a pair of missiles spiralling away from behind them to explode harmlessly like fireworks in the air. “That’s not good!”
“No!” Matt Trakker twisted the wheel of the craft again, banking steeply to turn and bring his own weapons to bear, sending out bright laser bolts into the night sky. “Curses!” he exclaimed as a trio of metal wedges blazed into view. “Decepticon Seekers!” He craned forwards as more figures came flying towards them from all angles. “…And they’ve teamed up with Skeleton Warriors! Hang on, Rainbow Dash!”
The Thunderhawk swept through the air as it was followed by the Decepticons, who let loose with volley after volley of missiles. Turning the Thunderhawk at a sharp right-angle confused the missiles, which span off into space, impacting on a gaggle of Skeleton Warriors and causing a shower of evil bones to fall from the sky. They were not out of danger however, as a flock of strange dragon-like creatures, each with a black-cloaked rider, hovered into view.
“Ring Wraiths!” Matt Trakker’s voice was tinged with fear. Rainbow Dash looked around desperately through each window. On one side were the Decepticons, on the other were flying skeletons, and completing the trap were the wraiths. “Be brave, Rainbow Dash,” Matt Trakker pulled off his helmet to wipe away his tears. “It’s the end!”
It was not to be. A blazing rainbow of light exploded from the darkness, instantly evaporating the evil Ring Wraiths as it touched them. Matt Trakker punched the air in delight, revving up his engines. “Yes!” he cried. “Reinforcements have arrived! It’s Rainbow Brite and the Care Bears!”
Sliding down the rainbow beam of light came a small girl in multi-coloured garments, waving a magical wand at the enemies who now started to try to flee in confusion. Their attempts at escape were thwarted by an armada of cloud-cars, each carrying a small fuzzy bear that shot rainbow lasers from their chests.
“I could do that!” Rainbow Dash muttered, sinking into her chair uselessly. “I just don’t want to.”
***
The Thunderhawk sped away from the pitched aerial battle, before touching down with a hiss of rocket exhausts in a quiet clearing just outside of Ponyville. Rainbow Dash leapt out of the door, craning her neck high as she watched the exchange of laser fire and rainbow bolts. “Awesome!” She marvelled at the free light show, before turning to Matt Trakker with a suspicious scowl. “Okay, just what’s going on?”
Matt Trakker placed his helmet on the back of his vehicle, and snapped his fingers. From the undergrowth, more creatures emerged. Some were humanoids like Matt; others were strange metal creatures and bizarre animals. “Equestria is in the middle of a war, Rainbow Dash. A war that only you can stop!”
“Sorry we’re late!” A humanoid in a cowboy hat staggered stiffly up to Matt Trakker. “The enemy deployed several Pop-Up Pirates and a unit of Hungry Hippos. GI Joe and Action Force are still pinned down. The Centurions are moving in to support them though, but we lost the Visonaries to a surprise ZOID ambush.”
“Thank you Marshal Bravestarr,” Matt shook his head grimly at the news before turning back to Rainbow Dash. “Our leader is here, he can tell you more.”
Another figure stepped from the shadows; a tall black human creature wearing a loose fitting vest. This was a face Rainbow Dash recognised instantly.
“Michael Jordan!” she squeaked, backing away as she patted imaginary pockets. “I’m sorry, look, I don’t have any drugs!”
Michael Jordan shook his head and flashed a smile. “No, Rainbow Dash, I’m here on business this time. It’s going down, Rainbow Dash.”
“You mean…” Rainbow Dash’s mouth fell open as she tried to comprehend what was happening.
“Yes,” Michael Jordan nodded firmly. “Another Space Jam. And this time, the enemy aren’t using a basketball as the ball.” He pointed up into the night sky.
At first Rainbow Dash couldn’t understand what he was pointing at. It was just the moon in the sky. And… another moon. There were two moons! “It can’t be…” Rainbow Dash mouthed as she realised what the second moon was. “The… the Death Star?”
“Yes, that is the ball in the second Space Jam!” Michael Jordan knelt down to ruffle Rainbow Dash’s hair. “Rainbow Dash. The only thing that can defeat the enemy is an artifact of great power that was hidden amongst the possessions of Twilight Sparkle.”
Rainbow Dash frowned. “Hang on, I thought I was supposed to be the hero? Why don’t you just get Twilight to-“
“No, Twilight cannot know!” A booming voice rang out, and with a grinding of gears, Matt Trakker’s Thunderhawk twisted and turned, revealing arms and legs until a large shining robot stood towering above them. “Twilight must never know!” it cried.
“Oh wow, are you a Transformer?” Rainbow Dash forgot the sudden danger and looked up at the robot with a filly-like sparkle in her eyes.
“Uh. Yeah. Kinda.” The robot rubbed the back of its neck awkwardly. “I’m a Go-B- That doesn’t matter now!” it pointed a finger at Rainbow Dash sternly. “Nopony must know of this secret mission, only you, Rainbow Dash, only you!”
“It’s true!” Matt Trakker smiled grimly. “Twilight Sparkle is actually the Master but under a strong hypnotic spell. Any knowledge of the events of this night will break the spell and turn her into her true evil self!”
“I see…” Rainbow Dash realised the true weight of her task. “But… what does this object look like? And I’m injured!” She flapped her broken wing weakly. “I can’t possibly do much good with this!”
“The object is a magical helmet,” Michael Jordan replied. “Disguised as a normal object of clothing, it is in fact a powerful device which the wearer can use to stop all evil. And don’t worry about your injuries.” He picked up a large satchel stuffed full of bottles and hooked it over Rainbow Dash’s back, which sagged suddenly under the weight. “Our best scientist, Doc Brown, has developed a magic potion with the help of Gandalf. If you drink enough it will fix your wing.”
Rainbow Dash pulled one of the bottles out of the satchel, turning it over in her hooves. “Hey, it says ‘hard cider’!” She exclaimed, before taking a hesitant swig.
“Of course!” Michael Jordan continued. “The magic potion has been stored in bottles of hard cider so that any pony who sees you wandering through Ponyville drinking at night will think you’re just having a merry evening, not drinking magic potion on a secret mission for the forces of good.”
Rainbow Dash finished the bottle and wiped her mouth with a satisfied smack of the lips. Already she could feel the feathers on her wing mending themselves. “Great stuff!” she announced happily. “I’m ready!”
“Go!” Matt Trakker cried out as from the south there came a massive explosion and a roar of engines. “They’ve found us, Rainbow Dash! Run, run to Ponyville! We’ll hold them off!”
With that, Rainbow Dash ran as fast as she could.
***
Rainbow Dash swigged a third bottle of magic potion as she raced into Ponyville. Her wing was still aching, though it was starting to feel much better. She gave it a hesitant flap, before recoiling as jolts of pain rolled down her spine.
“You seem to be in trouble there!” a voice hissed from the shadows.
“Ming the Merciless!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as a green-skinned oriental figure stepped into view. Before the galactic overlord could raise his hand to blast her with his magic ring, Rainbow Dash leapt into action, throwing her empty bottle at Ming’s head. It hid him dead-on, rebounding off his face and smashing the window of Daisy’s house.
“You fool!” Ming fell to the ground as around him soldiers clad in blue uniforms that bore the legend ‘COBRA’ raced onto the scene. “Get her!”
A volley of shots rang out from a nearby rooftop and three of the Cobra soldiers instantly fell down. Four cowboy-hatted figures stood proudly against the night sky. “Run, Rainbow Dash, run!” one of the figures called down.
“Thanks, Galaxy Rangers!” Rainbow Dash quickly gulped down another bottle of potion, throwing the empty glass bottle at Ming again. This one missed, hurtling instead into the window of the Mayor’s house. Without looking back, Rainbow Dash scurried into a nearby alleyway away from the intensifying laser-fight. She panted to catch her breath. Unfortunately there was no such respite.
“Die, Rainbow Dash, die!” From the darkness a small pink tentacle creature leapt at her, curling its tentacles around Rainbow Dash’s throat and gnashing its evil teeth. Rainbow Dash found herself staring into the face of evil itself.
“Krang!” she hissed, struggling with the tiny tentacle alien warlord. She staggered backwards, knocking down a nearby fence as the two grappled with each other. Rainbow Dash tripped over, her hooves unable to gain traction on the alien as it reached for her throat. From the corner of her eye, she could see she had ended up in Carrot Top’s garden. With a supreme force of will, she stood up and propelled herself forwards into Carrot Top’s greenhouse, letting Krang take the brunt of the blow. As the glass dug into Krang’s back, the slimy pink tentacles unfurled, and Rainbow Dash could finally breathe again.
“Better luck next time, loser!” Rainbow Dash sneered down at the twitching alien, before swigging down another bottle of magic potion. Her wing in much better shape now, she gave a hard flap, helping to propel herself over the next fence and back into the street.
As the ponies of Ponyville slept soundly in bed, the town became a warzone. Bodies lay everywhere as the forces of good and evil played out the final battle. Rainbow Dash gingerly stepped over a Glo-Worm as it grappled in mortal combat with a living Rubik’s Cube. Street Sharks were bare-fist brawling with Biker Mice from Mars. In front of the town hall, the Real Ghostbusters fought furiously with the Filmation Ghostbusters, and at the far end of town she could see that GI Joe had arrived, but obviously out of ammunition, they had instead turned to toilet paper, throwing reel after reel of pink roll at the enemy.
“Quick, Rainbow Dash!” Michael Jordan shoved a stack of toilet paper into Rainbow Dash’s hooves. Rainbow Dash instantly sprang into action, lobbing the paper into the air like a giant paper streamer. It hit a Ring Raider which had come in for a strafing run, causing it to explode, the remaining toilet paper landing atop a lamppost.
Rainbow Dash quickly drank another bottle of potion, hefting the bottle and throwing it at a helmeted figure which was about to launch a roll of toilet paper at the back of the Thundertank. The figure fell over with a crunch.
“Finally!” Rainbow Dash jumped upon the figure, pinning him down with her two front hooves. “Now it’s just you and me, Cobra Commander!” She yanked off Cobra Commander’s faceplate with a victorious cry, before recoiling in shock.
Under the helmet, her own face stared back at her.
“Yes, I was you all the time!” the face of Rainbow Dash sneered up. “I am Rainbow Dash Two, your dark side! There are many Rainbow Dashes throughout the multiverse, each with their own unique number!”
“No! No!” Rainbow Dash punched the air in anger. “I am not a number, I am a free mare!” She bounded away from the stricken Cobra Commander, and began to race towards the library. “Cover me, Michael,” she cried. “I’m going for it!”
“It’s time!” Michael Jordan shouted, curling one hand into a fist and lifting it into the air, his magic ring glinting. “Earth!”
“Fire!” shouted Matt Trakker, hoisting his own ring aloft.
“Wind!” cried Jem.
“Water!” bellowed Brian Blessed.
“…Heart!” mumbled Mr T, slightly shame-faced.
“By your powers combined…” A mighty voice shook out as five beams of light from the rings converged into the sky, and a blue and green figure blazed into existence “…I am Captain Planet!”
“No!” Cobra Commander was back on his (her?) feet now, somehow shaking a hand. “Godzilla! King Kong! Get over here!”
From the horizon came a terrible roar, and two massive beasts of destruction thundered into view. Michael Jordan threw another ream of toilet paper at Cobra Commander’s head before barking out the immortal order: “Gentlemen, combine into Voltron! And I’ll form the head!”
Rainbow Dash gazed up as the mighty Voltron formed in the middle of Ponyville, but then she turned back towards the library. She had a job to do! Sneakily smashing the glass in one of the windows, she crept inside with the minimum of fuss.
“Now…” she muttered, looking about the quiet library, being careful not to make any noise which would wake Twilight. “Where will I find the helmet?”
“Having problems?” Rainbow Dash turned in surprise to see a bulky, sugary-looking figure already in the library, moving towards her on thick legs which resembled liquorice. “Bertie Bassett!” she exclaimed at the evil creature made of sweets. “Don’t tell me you’re in the Evil League of Evil too!”
“Quite so, my dear!” Bertie Bassett would have snarled, but his face was fixed in a sugary grin. “Time to die, Rainbow Dash!”
“Not so!” Rainbow Dash tumbled towards a table on which stood a yellow bottle of lemonade. “Lemonade breaks down the chemical bond in sweets!” she exclaimed in victory as she shook the bottle, spraying the amber contents all over Bertie Bassett, as well as half the room in the process. She ran around and around as Bertie Bassett flailed in agony, drenching him, the sofa and the bookcases. Soon, he was nothing more than a pile of mush.
Rainbow Dash stepped around the soggy remains. “Sorry Twilight,” she muttered to herself. “But I’m sure you’ll forgive me for this!”
“Very clever, Rainbow Dash,” snapped a sharp voice, as from the shadows stalked a vicious creature from Rainbow Dash’s worst nightmares, all teeth and claws. “But how will you face me?”
“Jeff Goldblum Raptor!” Rainbow Dash tensed up, the hairs on her back prickling with fear. She kept her cool, trying not to show one quiver of fear in her voice. “One on one, Jeff Goldblum Raptor, after I’ve taken down all your friends? Do you really think you can beat me?”
Jeff Goldblum Raptor smiled. “Probably. But just to even the odds, I’ve brought some friends.” A claw reached over to a small metal panel and pressed a big red button. From out of the kitchen crashed a gigantic T-Rex bristling with lasers and cannons, along with several smaller dinosaurs, all similarly armed.
“Dinoriders!” Rainbow Dash gasped. “Have you no pity?”
“Let this be our final battle!” Jeff Goldblum Raptor pounced at Rainbow Dash, fangs bared. Rainbow Dash took another swig of magic potion, hurling the bottle across the room. It hit the T-Rex squarely in the face, causing its laser to fire and hit Jeff Goldblum Raptor in the back.
“It’s all about maths!” Rainbow Dash smirked smugly at the fallen raptor. But her foe was not yet done! With an almost superhuman effort, Jeff Goldblum Raptor struggled to his feet.
“I have more tricks up my sleeve!” he hissed, as his scaly body suddenly erupted with fine hairs, his eyes turning into massive orbs, and clear wings unfurling from his body. “Behold, my fly form!” Now sporting a proboscis instead of a mouth, the creature gave a deep breath before hurling a spray of deadly vomit at Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash leapt out of the way in the nick of time. She knew from her many studies that a fly’s greatest weapon was its vomit. Panting, she crashed into a bookcase, sending lemonade-soaked books everywhere as the vomit flew past her and hit the wall.
“You can’t escape that easily!” Jeff Goldblum Fly burbled, letting loose another spew of vomit. This time Rainbow Dash rolled out of the way and the vomit impacted harmlessly with Twilight’s sofa.
“I can’t keep this up forever!” Rainbow Dash grunted, as from the corner of her eye she saw the Dinoriders moving in for the kill. Jeff Goldblum Fly stalked closer too, but Rainbow Dash saw he had made a terrible mistake – because the dinosaurs had moved, the door to the kitchen was now unguarded! Pausing only to drink another bottle of magic potion and throw it at the evil fly, she raced towards the kitchen, not stopping as she threw open all the cupboards to spill their contents everywhere until she had found what she was looking for.
“Strawberry jam!” She grinned, hefting the jam in her hooves as she threw it as hard as she could at the dinosaurs. It exploded, covering the saurians with delicious sticky jam.
“No, jam, my only weakness!” Jeff Goldblum Fly tried to fight his natural fly urges but was unable to as he was inextricably drawn towards the dinosaurs, leaping upon them in order to greedily suck up all of the jam.
In the confusion, Rainbow Dash darted across the room, not caring that her coat was covered in unsightly lemonade and icky fly vomit. She slowed down as she hit the stairs, creeping as quietly as she could into Twilight’s room. Her ragged panting was masked somewhat by Twilight’s snoring, as the purple pony slept soundly in her bed.
Rainbow Dash risked a quick glance out of a window. In the centre of Ponyville, Voltron and Captain Planet were battling Godzilla and King Kong. In the distance she could see the massive forms of Unicron and Galactus approaching. She knew there was not much time left!
“Come on, come on, think!” Rainbow Dash started to pull open Twilight’s drawers and closets, frantically throwing out all her clothes as she searched for the magical helmet. Feeling a twinge in her wing, she gulped down another bottle of potion, unceremoniously hurling the bottle onto the floor. There would be time for niceties when the entire world wasn’t in danger.
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash gasped out as she touched an item of clothing. The magical aura it gave off was apparent even to her; it had to be the helmet! Carefully, she pulled the item out and examined it. The magical helmet was well disguised. To any other pony it would look like Twilight Sparkle’s underwear, but Rainbow Dash knew it held far more secrets. With a solemn look, she pulled the underwear over her head, instantly feeling the power coursing through her body.
With a cry of “sorry, Twilight, no time to lose!” Rainbow Dash crashed through Twilight’s window, flapping her wings to escape the shards of glass as she hit the ground, rolling to a stop. Before her, the desperate battle for Equestria raged. In the sky, the Death Star started to glow as its weapons powered up. Rainbow Dash scrunched up her eyes, channelling the power of the helmet. A pure beam of energy lanced from her and into the night sky, before night was temporarily turned into day as the Death Star exploded.
Godzilla paused, one of his tiny arms in mid-punch as he looked up at the bright sky. Cobra Commander, riding on Godzilla’s back gave a cry of defeat. “Retreat!” he wailed out. “Curse you, Rainbow Dash One!”
Rainbow Dash felt her knees give way as exhaustion finally overtook her and she collapsed in the town square. She looked up to see the smiling face of Michael Jordan above her. “Well done, Rainbow Dash, you saved the day!” he beamed. “Now I must go, my planet needs me!” A flash of light enveloped him and the other champions of good, and they vanished.
Rainbow Dash rolled onto her back, letting her satchel spill open and the remaining bottles roll out. “I did it!” she moaned, punching the air weakly. Her coat was still matted with the fly vomit and lemonade. Around her Ponyville lay in ruins, covered in toilet paper, the streets littered with broken windows and smashed bottles. But she had done it. She had saved Equestria.
She was a hero.
“…And that, officer,” Rainbow Dash tapped her hooves on the interview room’s table, giving a hopeful smile to the unimpressed police sergeant, “was the reason you found me passed out in that state in the middle of Ponyville the next morning.”
